Nobodies (2017) s02e06 Episode Script

1 Ah, it's so beautiful out here.
What's that?! I wasn't talking to you! - That's nice.
- (HORSE SNORTS) - Whoo, Ulysses! - (NEIGHING) Ow! Ow! Hugh! Help! (NEIGHING) Hyah! - Hugh, don't leave me! - Hyah! - Hugh! Hugh! - Hyah! Hyah! Hyah! - I love you! - Hyah! - Hugh! - Hyah! Hyah! What are you maniacs doing? Watching me sleep? Were you having a sex dream? What?! You kept going, Hyah! Hyah! Well, not quite with that intensity, but - Do you have a boner? - What? No! Stop looking at me.
I just had a horrible dream about Sam.
We were riding the stupid horses, and then she fell off.
I just left her there and I rode away.
And then you had sex with her? It was not a sex dream.
It was disturbing.
You know, the latest dream research suggests that you're everyone in your dream.
So you're you but you're also Sam.
No, I think in this case, I was me and Sam was Sam.
You know, in most cultures, a horse represents good luck or prosperity.
So you just got that part in Larry's show, so that's what the dream was right there.
No, that's not what it was.
I think it means that I don't want to be with her anymore.
Now, I am the last person who should be giving you relationship advice.
But I don't like Sam.
I don't know if it's a combination of the height and the blonde hair, but she's a little Master Racy for me.
My suggestion is just rip the Band-Aid, get out of the situation.
And on that note, I am going to bed.
Guys, make yourselves at home.
And, uh, all the best.
I should've had you park in my spot.
- Oh - (HORN HONKS) Whoa.
(CAR RADIO) I think you know it's true Swimmin' with sharks Or Mark-Paul Gosselaar's spot.
- Hey! - You guys drove together, huh? Well, we live down the street from each other.
We carpooled.
Why'd you guys carpool? Hugh slept with me at Pat's last night.
I mean, he didn't sleep with me.
A little rocky situation with Sam.
Did you guys have a fight? Big fight.
Sorry.
Why's he wrapping this car? Is he gonna ship it somewhere? It's like super expensive.
How about you? Still nothing with Jen? I call her, she doesn't call me back.
I sent her an edible arrangement.
And it was a good one.
It had no cantaloupe.
Hey, the gang's all here! (LAUGHTER) - Oh! - Oh! Ah, now I'm in the gang.
This is gonna be great.
So do you guys like laugh all day? All day, every day.
Huh.
(CHUCKLES) Oh, Rachel, I forgot to give this to you yesterday.
It's for Lois.
You're gonna have to wrap it.
My God, you remembered her birthday.
- Of course.
- (MARK-PAUL) It's Lois's birthday.
Yeah.
Oh, I chipped in on that.
(WOMAN) My aunt, she's so (MAN) Hey, guys, this is our new casting director, Deborah Diamond.
Hi.
Debbie! Oh, look at you! Oh, you get more gorgeous every day.
(MARK-PAUL) I try.
You are going to be my Larry Dorf.
(CHUCKLES) Oh, boy.
What kind of a name is that? That is stupid.
Actually, it's my name.
That's my real name.
Who are you? Larry Dorf, creator of the show.
That doesn't really matter.
Oh, you're the neighbor.
I saw your tape.
Oh, you were so wonderful.
How come I've never heard of you before? Oh, well, uh, I got a late start and I don't try very hard.
Oh, I don't like the beard.
It ages you.
I'm sorry, were Curtis and Mary Ellen already cast? - Yes.
- Why was I not consulted about this? I'm the creator of the show! Because Melissa loves them? So, okay, so if Melissa McCarthy loves something and Larry Dorf doesn't, it's just done.
Uh, yeah, I think you know the answer to that.
Okay, uh, well, how about Jen? Let's get to her.
Great! I need to be a part of this.
So we've got Ashley Greene from "Twilight.
" She's hot, she got a great bod.
Yes, that's a huge compliment.
Jen would love that.
Has she done much comedy? What difference does it make? She's gorgeous! I don't know.
I-I-I I don't She's got, um Weird elbows? You know what? I think we keep looking.
What?! Hey, sorry, Chief, you've been overruled.
- But, uh, hang in there.
- (CELL PHONE CHIMES) Hey, Mark-Paul and Hugh? Wardrobe wants to see you for a fitting.
All right, come on, neighbor! Ah Are we gonna walk like this the whole way? I'm gonna go meet with the set designer, see what your house looks like.
Great, I will come with you.
Too many cooks, Larry.
Too many cooks? I am the cook! I'm the head chef! This is my kitchen! Uh-uh, that's Dave's office.
(WOMAN) Hmm I don't know.
I think I look too cool.
Well, a little difficult because you're so attractive.
Hm, thanks.
Let me pull something else.
You know what I'm talking about, right? I mean, isn't Larry a little more, I don't know lame? I don't want to say "loser.
" Oh, you can say "loser.
" I bet you're supposed to, you know, disrobe behind that curtain thing, but (WOMAN) What about this? (BLOWS RASPBERRY) I don't know.
I don't know, I think I should call Rachel.
Yes, good idea.
They always want the girlfriend's approval.
Hey, babe.
Yeah, could you come down and look at some of these Larry clothes? I just want your opinion.
Uh-huh.
(CHUCKLES) (LAUGHING) Okay.
Okay.
(LAUGHING) Okay.
All right, bye.
Oh, my God, I just love that woman.
Oh, I see myself marrying her.
I mean, I haven't said that about anyone, you know? Have you ever been married? - No.
- Hm.
Thinking about tying the knot with Sam, huh? Like, is that something I dream about? Uh, no.
Not really.
Don't settle.
I'm sure there's a Rachel out there for you.
- Whoa.
- Hmm? Uh, I'm sorry.
Why am I wearing a hat? Don't you worry.
I have a vision.
Larry, you're like T-shirts and cargo pants.
I don't wear cargo pants.
Like with a big pocket on the side? I've never worn that.
This is exactly why he shouldn't be asking you.
He should be asking for my opinion.
You don't have any idea how I dress.
Uh, not well.
Okay.
Normally I wouldn't cuff, but I can tell you get to the gym, don't you? - Mm-hmm.
- Those forearms.
- Oh, you look great! - Right.
Shouldn't I look a little nerdier? I don't think Larry's nerdy.
- Thank you.
- He's more schlubby.
- Yes, thank you.
- But Jen's schlubby.
No, Jen can't be schlubby.
How about cargo pants? That's what I said.
(LAUGHTER) (MARK-PAUL) Oh, my God! I was told Hugh's from Texas.
So that was my launching pad.
I was also told he has a particular fondness for spurs.
The Spurs.
It's a it's a basketball team.
Oh, and wait till you hear what a fun sound they make.
Go on, Hugh.
Give us a walk, darling.
Go on, right in a circle, go on.
(LAUGHTER) Listen to that jingle jangle.
It's gonna get a laugh even before he speaks, no? Rachel, this is insane, right? It's insane, but it's a multi-cam.
Maybe it's funny.
(LAUGHS) I trust this one.
(LARRY SIGHS) I mean, maybe it's good.
You know, the wacky neighbor.
That's something, right? What are you doing in here, darling? It's a small space.
Go around again, Hugh.
Go on, just do it.
Come on, like a pony at a birthday party.
Just circle right round.
Where's my phone? I feel so American, right? So funny.
Okay, stay still.
This is so depressing.
Pulling up to my own home to get clothes just to leave again.
Good luck.
- You wanna come in? - No.
I think I'm gonna call Sam.
You're gonna break up with her right now? Yeah, I can't take another second of this limbo nonsense.
All right.
Good luck to us both.
(CELL PHONE RINGING) Hey.
Hugh, it's Libby, Sam's assistant.
What? Oh, wait.
Why do you have Sam's phone? Is everything all right? No, dude.
Sam's in the hospital.
What?! Yeah, she broke her leg pretty bad.
They had to put a bunch of pins in it.
We're in the emergency room.
What happened? I guess she got thrown from her horse.
- (ENGINE STARTS) - I'm on my way.
(WEAK VOICE) I'm so happy to see you.
Dude, you are such a good boyfriend.
I wish I could find someone like you, but, you know, with a vagina.
Uh, just the one chair.
We could share if you want.
I'll, uh, see if I can get another chair brought in or We could probably use a Jell-O.
If you won't call me Then you can call And if you won't talk - Hey.
- Oh, hey.
Jen and Mary Ellen, they took the kids down to that, that hot dog place on Ventura.
That's where we take 'em.
Sit down.
Have a seat.
I've been married 43 years.
You think that's been easy? Ha.
Marriage is peaks and valleys.
Heterosexual marriage, I don't know what the queers do.
Christmas 1978, Mary Ellen told me, "Take a walk.
I don't wanna see you again.
You're a piece of human garbage.
" I had a choice.
I could've said, Okay, I shit the bed.
My wife doesn't love me anymore.
What's done is done, and I'll try harder the next marriage.
Or I'm gonna fight like hell.
I'm gonna win her back.
That was the best decision I ever made.
Well I'm doing the best I can.
I don't know what else I'm supposed to do.
You gotta fight! A fruit basket isn't fighting.
Hell, there wasn't even any cantaloupe.
Come on, get up.
I know you got it in you.
Come on, you Jews are tough.
Get up.
Come on, get up! You got toughness in you.
Hit me.
I'm not gonna hit you.
Oh, go on, hit me.
Come on, you got it in you.
Come on, hit me.
- There.
- Oh, hit me harder than that.
Come on, hit me harder! Tough little queer.
Tough queer, huh? Don't call me a queer.
You little Hollywood queer! Ahh! All right, all right, all right.
That's enough.
I'm an old man.
You know what? You're right.
You're absolutely right.
I'm gonna fight.
I'm gonna fight for my wife.
- I'm gonna fight for my marriage.
- Good.
'Cause I want to go back to Long Beach.
Happy birthday dear Lois Happy birthday to you (CHEERING) Happy birthday! Should we open the presents? - Yes! - Yes! This is from me and Moddy.
My other daddy.
What is it? It is a Louis Vuitton travel bag.
Whoo.
And I know you're a little young for this right now, but believe me, when you're older, you'll love it.
And until then, I'll use it.
What? - You got 'em?! - Yes.
(CHUCKLES) - What?! - What are they tickets for? "The First Gentleman on Ice.
" - It's an ice show now? - Yeah.
It's becoming like "Harry Potter.
" You've would've been billionaires.
It must rankle.
Your sweater looks like diarrhea.
Your face looks like diarrhea.
Oh, your face looks like diarrhea.
You're both diarrhea.
Okay, here, look.
Who's this from? That one's from Hugh.
A magic set! I wanted a magic set.
I told him last year on my birthday.
Wow, how did he remember that? Yeah, this one is from me, kiddo.
How nice is that?! Wow! Oh.
- Look how pretty she is.
- Yeah.
I picked the one that looks like her.
It looks just like you.
Lois, honey, what do we say when someone gives us a gift? Thank you.
You're welcome.
(MACHINE BEEPS) (WOMAN ON PA) Dr.
Valentino to the O.
R.
, please.
Oh, God.
I'm sorry it took me so long to get here.
My God, how did this happen? I thought it was just a broken leg.
They think maybe a piece of bone broke off and and got into her bloodstream and then it went into her heart.
And I was here.
I-I I couldn't do anything.
It's not your fault.
(EXHALES) I love you, Hugh.
I love you, Rachel.
Hm, you were having a dream.
Was I talking? Did I say something? No.
How are you feeling? Like I like morphine.
(CHUCKLES) Oh, my God, I gotta get to work.
Okay.
I'll see you tonight.
Hey, you don't have to keep staying here.
I'm here as long as you are here.
(CHUCKLES) I love you.
Oh, I love you, too.
Hey.
Where is everyone? Hugh and Mark-Paul are rehearsing and Dave's meeting with the composer about the theme song.
Are you kidding me?! And what are you doing? Dave asked me to write some alt jokes for the run-through.
- So why am I here? - (CELL PHONE CHIMES) Why do I even come to work anymore? Who's that? CBS promoting you to head of CBS? It's Kristen Wiig.
Name-drop much? You asked.
She's inviting me to her one-woman show, but I can't go 'cause Mark-Paul's coming over tonight.
Oh, my God! Jen would love it if she were played by Kristen Wiig.
She's been obsessed with her since Groundlings.
When we first started dating, Jen saw me do a show and I was doing a sketch with Kristen, and she said that's when she first fell in love with me.
This is how I fight for my marriage! Get Kristen Wiig to play my wife! Larry, this is perfect.
I know! Oh, wait, except Kristen hates you.
Well, she doesn't hate you.
- You ask her.
- No.
- Rachel! - No! Fine.
You know what's gonna happen? They're just gonna find another one of these.
There's a million of these hot young things roaming around Hollywood, and they're all dying to work with this guy, the recovering sex addict.
And sooner or later, he's gonna give in to temptation and they're just gonna (GROWLING, MUNCHING) But Kristen Wiig, your friend, is someone you can trust.
Fine, maybe I can go tonight.
(SAW WHIRRING) (SIGHS) So you're building the set yourself? Yeah, yeah, I mean, it's a one-woman show.
I wanted to embrace the whole one-woman aspect of it, you know? I'm building the sets, sew the costumes, I wrote the script.
(CHUCKLES) Speaking of writing - Oh, yeah, your show.
That CBS - Yeah.
So, anyway, it's about a husband and wife.
- Um, you'd be the wife.
- (NAIL GUN FIRING) And your parents move in to help with the kids.
Is this Larry's show? My agent sent me this script and I fired her on the spot.
Look, I'm sure it's really funny if you wrote it, but I would never, ever, ever work with that man.
I would have to be insane.
Never! 'Kay.
Who's playing Larry, by the way? Mark-Paul Gosselaar.
Mark-Paul Gosselaar? - Cute.
- Yeah.
In fact, I'm - You know, I slept with Mark-Paul.
- Oh.
You could throw a rock down any street in Los Angeles from 1990 and today and you would hit women that slept with Mark-Paul Gosselaar.
- (CELL PHONE CHIMING) - Sorry, one second.
Box office.
(WHISPERS) I'm also doing the box office.
(SILENT MOUTHING) Great.
Four tickets? Of course.
Yeah.
Um, oh, uh, would you like best available or would you like me to explain the seating configuration? It's one row, then the next row and then there's Best available, okay.
Oh, I should give you a disclaimer.
There will be no late seating.
Oh, and there will be partial nudity.
Possibly full nudity.
(WHISPERS) I haven't written the script.
(NORMAL VOICE) Great, and your name? My in-laws are driving me crazy.
That's somethin' no man has ever said.
(LAUGHS) Actually, hold on.
I want to try something, buddy.
I think it could work.
Oy gavult.
My in-laws are driving me crazy.
Right? Like I mean, Larry's Jewish, right? Does he say "oy gavult"? Uh Larry, would you say "oy gavult"? No! Unbelievable.
- (CELL PHONE CHIMING) - Oh, that's Rachel.
What did Kristen Wiig say? No! No, she doesn't want to do it? What other "no" is there? So you just gave up? Thanks a lot, Rachel.
I guess I have to fight for my own marriage.
Oy gavult.
Here lies the old me.
The girl that said no when she could've said yes.
The girl that said yes when she didn't know what to say.
The girl who just wanted to say, "I'm hungry.
" Bye, Kristen.
And now, here stands the new me.
Bold and unafraid.
Love yourself much, Kristen? Thank you.
The gumbo recipe's in the back of the program along with all my personal information.
Larry.
Kristy! (CLAPPING) I loved every word.
I loved every gesture.
I loved every moment.
I'm not doing your stupid show.
You look beautiful.
This is the prettiest you've ever looked.
No offense, but I wasn't a fan of the short hair.
Just gorgeous.
Get out.
Okay.
Oh, this is from your dad.
He says, "You've always been my shining star.
" (WHISPERS) Papa.
Where are you? Thanks for coming.
Thanks.
Kristen.
Larry, I am gonna call the police.
You don't understand! My marriage is on the line.
Someone married you? Please, I'm begging you.
Larry, your hand's all wet.
I'm sorry, they're always a little wet.
Kristen, if you care at all about me I don't care about you.
Kristy, please.
They're really, really wet.
I'm sorry, I'm nervous.
I need this! Okay, can you just please leave? I'm serious, get outta here.
I can't.
You valeted my car.
Give me your ticket.
- Yay! - Wow, great job! How are you doing that? So good! (RACHEL GIGGLES) I'm gonna get a little more water.
(ETHAN) Let's do something with these.
Oh, is this one of those like hide-the-ball things? (HUGH) How's this? (LOW GROANING) How's that? Is that okay? - Yeah, yeah, thanks, thanks.
- Yeah? You're so good to me.
I never thought I'd end up with a good guy, but you really are one of the good guys.
Oh let's get the TV on for you, huh? Listen, Hugh, I'm really not used to people taking care of me, so I'm probably gonna be - pretty awful over the next few months.
- Oh.
We'll get through it.
- All right? - Okay.
We'll get through it, okay? Let's get some tea.
Looks like this "Bridesmaid" is about to be a bride.
Yeah, a fan captured this magical moment when Kristen Wiig said yes to her special fella.
I guess it's "Love from New York, it's Saturday Night" for this "SNL" alum.
The question is, who's the lucky guy? Because we have never seen him before.
That's what makes Kristen Wiig so relatable.
She doesn't need the good-looking TV star.
She likes a regular nobody like this guy.
Congratulations to the happy couple.
Okay, Dorf.
You just messed with Kristen Gloriana Van Wiig.
And now you're gonna get burned.
Aiy! Ow! Ow! Oh! Ow! My crotch.
Oh, my God, my crotch.