Offspring (2010) s02e06 Episode Script

I don't think we have a future together.
It's not his fault.
I should have known better.
Yes.
I am very much open to it.
We're gonna have some sperm.
When you smiled at the idea of sleeping in a chicken coop I knew I could be with you forever.
She's wrong for you.
If you marry her, you'll be making the biggest mistake of your life.
- Do you like Tammy? - I don't warm to her.
- Where are you going? - Moving out.
- I'm sorry we overstayed our welcome.
- No, Jimmy, I don't want you to.
No, no, no.
Don't use the home line.
Better if he sees your name flashing up.
And, of course, don't sound angry.
But don't sound apologetic either.
Your father always traded in cheap apologies.
Would you like to call? I don't know why my family always recruit me to have the difficult conversations.
It's not like I've ever been any good at it.
Mum, Billy and Stacey have been arrested for shoplifting and indecent acts in the Safeway frozen food section.
Oh! She's got your entire vinyl collection.
And unless you clean up this mess she's gonna break a vintage Ray Charles.
On the hour, every hour.
I delivered a baby boy yesterday and it turns out it's Dad's kid.
Maybe they assume you get some sort of special training as a doctor.
A degree in tough conversations.
"Hey, it's Jimmy P.
Leave us a message after the beep.
" It's no special skill.
It's just fumbling out the difficult words and bracing for the fallout.
Hi, Jimmy.
It's me.
It's been almost two weeks, please call me back.
We we just feel terrible about everything.
And we want to figure it out, somehow.
Please don't cut us off.
Hmm.
If you want to call him, you're welcome to.
I quit! I'm staying out of this shit fight.
Mick, there's no escaping the shit fight.
We live in the shit fight.
Actually, Jimmy and I are cool.
- Have you spoken to him? - No.
How do you know you're cool if you haven't spoken? Because if we weren't cool, he'd call me and say, "You're fucked.
" Well, go ahead and ring him, then.
- No.
- Why? Because that would be uncool.
That sounds like a fabulous relationship.
Two men, not communicating with each other, just in their respective zones maintaining coolness.
Yeah.
It's kinda comforting.
- Oh, sorry.
- Could you shut the door, please? - Are you alright? - I'm fine.
- Can you just - Let me see, please.
I'm fine.
- No, you're not.
You need sutures.
- No, I just need to re-dress it.
No, you need sutures and antiseptic and a new dressing.
Do you want my help? Do I have a choice? - Ah! - Just hold still.
How'd you get this? Is it something to do with your sister's situation? It's fine.
Then why am I stitching up your head? Oh, sorry.
Let me tell you something about human nature.
When there's blood and injuries and people in trouble, other people get concerned.
- They just do.
- Sure.
But not everyone's so keen to get involved.
Wow! Offensive.
Offensive on so many levels.
You have to admit you do get abnormally involved in other people's dramas.
You'd have to admit you do get abnormally cagey about your dramas.
Not everyone likes to parade them around the hospital.
Are you saying I do that? No.
I think your caginess is a bit of an act, really.
Ow! I think you just want to make people beg to help you.
You pretend you're avoiding attention but actually you're desperate for it.
That's what I think.
Maybe.
You're pleased with yourself, aren't you? Happy that you found another problem.
- Shut up, or I'll injure you.
- Oh, yeah? Then you'll have something else you can fix.
Shut up! I prefer a softly softly approach.
Oh, yes.
Put your head in the sand, as usual, Darcy.
I'd go the Ray angle.
Tell him Ray's been calling out for him every night.
His only words are "Mama", "Dadda" and "Ball".
Yeah, and now "Jimmy".
It just amps it.
Tell him Rocket's dead.
- What?! - It's a dog! Mum! What are you?! Fine.
Sick, then.
Maimed.
- Oh, too far.
- I need to be with Rocket.
Oh, for goodness sake.
Hey.
Jimmy, it's Cherie calling.
I just wanted to let you know that that I miss you and I love you.
Well, that's that, then.
Up to you.
Why does it always have to be me? Mmm! Shh! Jimmy! Yeah, good, good.
It's really good to hear your voice.
Ah, yep.
I'm working in the afternoon.
Morning? Mm-hm.
Nicholson Street Backpackers tomorrow morning.
Yep.
OK.
Yes.
Yeah, I will.
See you then, Jimmy.
Bye.
Mick Micky Sweetie.
Mm! My temperature's up.
What? I think I'm in the zone.
I thought it was in a couple of days, but it's now.
I think we've gotta call Andrew.
He's gonna be in the Yarra Valley but I don't think till midweek.
There's always such a long time between the end of urination and the flush.
What happens in that time? Billie, I thought we weren't doing this till next month.
No.
What gives you that idea? Why would you think that? Because we haven't talked about anything.
No.
Andrew's all set.
He's been abstaining for two days.
What? You need a backlog to get the count up.
You've been setting this up the whole time with Andrew? Yeah.
Just a bit.
Just for working out the mechanics.
OK, so when are we going to talk about the big stuff? The arrangement? How are we gonna work all this? We can't hit him with that now.
He'll freak out.
Ah! Confirmation! Whatever.
I guess you don't need me, anyway.
Mick, Mick, Mick.
No.
You are essential.
This absolutely cannot happen without you.
Mmm.
And almost every website says that the chances are higher if the woman hits orgasm, so we need you.
And I need you to be on your game.
Andrew, Tina's gone 'Nutbush'.
See you at lunchtime.
You developed a code? - Neens.
- Mm? How's Jimmy? Ah, sort of OK.
They were couch surfing, now they're at a backpackers' trying to figure out the next step.
Is he still furious? - You look busy.
- No.
What is it? If I tell you this, will you promise - Forget it - You have to say now.
This will be my worst secret-keeping effort of all time.
What is it? I said, "Don't tell me anything you don't want all the family to know.
" - But - What?! Jimmy and Tammy are getting married - today.
At the city registry office, What?! Hi.
Do you know where Jimmy Proudman is? - He's up in room one.
- Oh, OK.
All the lights go down as I crawl into the spaces If I died on the screen Life tearing at the seam Way-ay-ay-ay-ay, I don't ever want to be here She told you.
- Nina, this is Victor, Theodore - Hello.
- Erasmus.
- Hi.
- Guys, it's OK, you don't have to - No, no.
It's OK.
- Morning.
- Morning.
You were gonna get married and not tell anyone? Jimmy, this is too much.
Not having any of us there when you get married, it's It's not about you.
It's Tammy's day and I don't want her round people who don't like her.
It's not that we don't like her.
- That's what you said! I asked you - No, no, I said I didn't warm to her.
And I also said that I'd support you whatever you want to do.
- I don't remember that.
- I said that, Jimmy.
I was probably in shock because two seconds before you said you hated her.
- Putting Tammy aside - Yeah, you'd like that.
That first night back here, Tammy and I were still awake at 4am, jet lagged, checking your stuff out in your apartment.
All your books and your CDs.
And she said to me you were even more incredible than what I described.
When Tammy really loves something she calls it 'amazeable'.
Like when she finds a dress she really loves or a song.
I never heard her say it about a person before.
But she said it about you.
You were amazeable.
Then you spent the next month asking us to move out.
- Then you said you hated her.
- Didn't warm to her! - Where is Tammy? - Getting her hair done.
Jimmy, please.
If I can make it up to Tammy, will you please let me come to your wedding? Wait here.
Wait! Hey! - Hey.
Nina's here Great, another impossible conversation.
"Tammy, can we just develop amnesia about the last month? "Can we all just mutually agree to pretend for the next 50 years? "Can we just wipe everything away with a group hug, case of wine?" Hi, Tammy.
Like to go for a walk or something? Oh, I can't.
Tammy, I feel terrible about about everything.
I feel terrible that you haven't felt welcome.
We just love Jimmy so fiercely.
This was very sudden, and we reacted badly.
- I love Jimmy too.
- I know.
I know you do.
I get that you're, like, single and, like, older and that Jimmy's kind of the man in your life.
But I never wanted to take him away from you! I wanted us to be sisters.
That's what I want too.
So, if there's any way that you can forgive me, I really want to be there at your wedding today.
We all want to be there at your wedding.
- Even Billie? - Even Billie.
- Hey? - Yeah.
Do you think he'll want to deliver in the lounge room or the bathroom, do you think? I have no thoughts on the subject.
- Will you ask him when he gets here? - Why do I have to ask him? I thought you wanted in on negotiations.
- Not this one.
- He's your brother.
Yeah, like it's an easy subject for brothers.
Well, I could talk masturbation with Nina.
What about Jimmy? We can't be in any way squeamish about this.
We have to think about this as though we're all cooking a meal together.
Yeah, that image doesn't really work for me.
I see us all standing around a big mixing bowl.
Just think about it as if we're we're cooking a barbecue.
Andrew's inside marinating the meat.
And I'm outside cooking the barbecue.
OK.
And what am I doing? You're the fire starter.
That's not even a job.
A fire starter is a smelly cube of accelerant that comes out of a pop-out packet.
The point is, no squeamishness.
I He's part kelpie.
Yeah.
Well, kind of kelpie/heeler cross.
Right.
Yep.
Well, um I might leave you boys to discuss the day.
Do you want to go down the pub? Mick, I really think it's better if we get this going now.
I thought it would be good to have a drink.
Maybe even have a laugh.
It's just marinating meat.
He's just marinating meat.
I reckon Why don't you two head upstairs, get rolling.
I'll deliver down here, get the baster ready.
Then I'll knock on the door, leave it on a dish outside.
Over to you.
How's that sound? - Yeah.
Sounds good.
- Yeah.
Sounds good.
There.
Billie, please call me.
The good news is I've made some ground with Jimmy.
We're talking.
And the bad news is Well, it's not necessarily bad news.
But the somewhat surprising news is that Jimmy's getting married today.
At the city registry office at 2:30pm.
And I've said we're all gonna be there.
So, please call me! Just call him in.
It's not like he's got anything social on.
Interesting.
You seem to know a lot about Dr Clegg's movements, Cherie.
It's Clegg.
He doesn't do anything but work and sleep and propagate African violets.
Really? Hey.
- Where are you? - Just leaving.
Um, Kim's gonna take my shift and I'm pretty sure that Clegg is going to take yours.
It's just Zara.
She's doing that cheeky, soft, smooth voice that she does but I don't know why.
I think you do know why, Cherie.
I can't get onto Billie or Mick.
I've tried them about three times.
Is there any chance you can swing by the house for me? Yeah.
- Hello, my lovely.
- Dad.
Jimmy's getting married in two hours at the city registry office.
What? - What, today? - In two hours.
- To Tammy? - Yes.
To Tammy.
I've told him the whole family will be there and we'll all be supportive and accepting.
- Our Jimmy? - Yes, Dad.
Focus.
I need you to go to Mum's, tell her and take her there.
Look, I think we should have a gentle conversation as a family with Jimmy.
It's beyond that, Dad! I need you to go to Mum's and tell her.
No, love, look, I really think this would sound better coming from you.
No.
You you can do it.
Just remember you need to tell her in person because she'll react and try and call Jimmy and say something ridiculous.
- Do not let her call Jimmy.
- OK.
In fact, take her phone off her before you say anything.
- OK.
- And give her a G & T.
Not red wine.
She goes maudlin on red wine.
Give her a G & T.
And get her dressed.
And take her to the city registry office by 2:30a.
m.
A.
m.
?! P.
m.
! p.
m.
! I have to go, sorry.
Got to help Tammy.
Bye.
Sorry.
- You told them? - Mm-hm.
And? Well, it was just like I knew it would be.
As soon as they heard you were getting married, everything faded away.
They all want to be there to support you.
OK! We need to go now.
I've been indicating for some time.
- Love you.
- Love you.
Love you, love you, love you.
- Oh! Bye, almost-husband.
- Bye, almost-wife.
Bye.
Oh, my God.
I am so happy you are here.
Yeah.
I am too.
I've got a problem.
Please don't tell Jimmy about any of this.
What? My half ex-fiance Noel has flown into town and he's really, really furious and he keeps calling and texting me.
And now he's saying he's going to crash the wedding.
- Your half ex-fiance? - Promise me you won't tell Jimmy.
Yep.
- I reckon we should check him.
- What? It's been, like, almost 20 minutes.
How long should it take? Let's wait half an hour, then we'll check.
I don't know whether I should be, like, at level 5 or at level 9.
- Well, let's offer mid-range.
- OK.
Yeah, I know.
I know.
Let's go see Aunty Billie, hey? Shit.
That's him.
Open up.
Piano fingers.
Piano fingers.
Billie! Mick! Is everything OK? Yeah, everything's fine.
As you were, as you were.
Bad, bad time.
- Jimmy's getting married.
- What? Jimmy's marrying Tammy in an hour.
What?! We've got to go to the registry office.
No, I can't.
Not right now.
- OK! - Oh! Get the dog, get the dog! Rocket, down.
Get down! Have you got it? Careful.
Yeah, I've got Rocket.
Got the dog? I've got him.
OK, Mick.
Let's go.
Jimmy and Tammy are getting married today? Try not to think about that.
Upstairs now! - Kit off! - Yep.
I'm coming.
Sorry, Cherie.
- You must be Andrew.
- Yes.
Um, Cherie.
I'm Darcy's Yeah, Darcy's friend, Billie's I'm just a friend.
Um Should we Come on.
Look at this guy.
Front yard.
The coat.
It's far too warm to be wearing a coat that thick.
I don't like it.
And look at this woman.
Who goes to a house inspection wearing aerobics gear? My darling, could I have your phone for a moment? Mm.
Why? I'll explain it in a minute.
Our son is getting married in about an hour.
So what we need to do is pop inside, find you a lovely dress, head to the registry office and be there for Jimmy.
Why would he get married? God knows we've given our children a 30-year demonstration of the futility of marriage.
Is it to spite us? Is he doing this to spite us? I think he's really in love.
And, if it's any consolation I have always thought that you would make a particularly sexy mother of the groom.
You find everyone sexy, Darcy.
That's your problem.
Oh! Excuse me, I've got to change.
Um, I don't think you're supposed to be Trust me.
It's an emergency.
Uh, found them.
Slight problem.
They're kind of, uh Well, they're trying for a baby.
Literally.
Right now.
Maybe give me a call.
You look lovely.
- Oh, thank you.
Hi.
Um I have a booking under 'Proudman' for the Thomas Hyde Room.
And then he started sending them, like, every hour.
"You invade my soul.
" - "You have shat on my heart.
" - Eugh! "I will love you forever.
" "You are a whorebag slut.
" - Whoa! Naked pictures.
- Oh, yeah.
He's trying to prove he's gotten thin.
Not that I have a problem with fat people or fat.
It's just that I think if you're going to have a kid with someone - That's probably him.
- What? What?! It's the third floor.
Did you give him my address? Better having it out here than at the wedding.
No! - He would have crashed the wedding.
- He'd do that.
He just does not care what he looks like.
Can you stay? Please? He would be less weird if there's someone else around.
I don't think you should see ex-boyfriends on the day of your wedding.
No, please! Even if you just could stand somewhere where he could see you.
So he knows that you're here.
I'm not Oh, my God! Oh! Hi.
Fraser.
Hi.
Hi.
You guys look amazing.
It's Tammy's wedding.
I'm a bride! - Really? Today? - Yeah, it's mental.
Good mental.
Oh, congratulations.
Come in.
Come in.
You alright? Um, yep, no Uh, it's the third floor.
We'll just let's you and I go out on the balcony and let Tammy No, no, no, please.
I need you guys here.
Wh what's going on? It's fine.
It's just the last minute Tammy! Oh, my God, you totally are thin.
I did it for you.
- I did it all for you.
- Oh, no, please, no.
I have eaten nothing but lentils and sweet potato.
Hey, mate.
Don't grab her like that, yeah? It's not cool.
- She is my wife! - No, no, no.
That's not Jimmy.
It's not him.
- Your wife? - Not legally.
Oh! Have you laid out my black and white dress? - Yes.
- The crossover shoes? Yes.
And there's a tub of hot water and a washcloth in the bathroom? - Yes! - My make-up bag? - In the car.
- No! I wanna stay still for the full half hour.
- Oh, shit.
The song.
- What? Tammy asked me ages ago to write a song for the wedding.
It's only half finished.
OK.
Let's go, go, go, go.
- Yah! - Yep, yep, yep.
- Bathroom.
- Watch your head.
Watch your head.
Ow! If we can just find that one thing.
That one positive thing.
Shut up, Darcy.
Maybe just the fact that he's feeling so much love.
Stop talking, please.
Alright, no need for us to go Just stop.
Hey, Jimmy.
What can I say? I'm just so Thanks, Dad.
Oh, he's on his knees.
That's not a good sign.
Now he's crying too much.
Crying's not gonna help his case.
Whose side are you on? Oh, I don't know.
Maybe I should give them a 10-minute warning.
Yeah, uh, before you do, um Oh, what's this? The card's kind of concise.
I hope it doesn't sound like, um attitude, like angst.
No.
I wrote massively longer versions, but it all pretty much boiled down to, "Thanks for everything.
" or, "Sorry for everything.
" There's no reason to say sorry.
No, there is.
Uh, there is.
- Fraser, I I really care about you.
- Uh, don't.
- I do.
I really do.
- Don't.
It's, um, been hard enough to get my head together about all this, so Let's just Yeah, you got another bit in there.
Uh, it's Italian lessons.
Eight Italian lessons.
I remember you said you wanted more time for stuff like that, so Yeah, and now you've got no excuse.
Thanks.
Excuse me.
Um I just wanted to apologise for the um moment.
We'll of course pay for any damage to your furniture or ornaments.
It's fine.
And Tammy wanted me to apologise for saying, "She's my wife.
" I should clarify.
She isn't.
I mean, there was an evening in the duty-free section of Buenos Aires airport that was really meaningful for me.
But whatever we said that night doesn't mean anything legal.
And so Tammy wanted to apologise because she's now thinking, given everything, it's probably best not to go through with the wedding today.
Tammy.
Tammy.
I just really need some time out right now.
What? What? This is your wedding day.
I am not good at dealing with aggro, so if you could just please Just open the door.
I'm really freaking out right now.
Tammy! What are you saying? Just really confused and I don't think I should be making any big decisions.
My brother is standing there waiting to pledge his life to you! I'm definitely not saying I won't marry him ever, it's just that What?! That is not what you said to me.
- I did.
- You said we would take it slowly.
I said that we'd take it one step at a time Please, if you could just tell Jimmy that I-I'm sorry and that I'd see him tonight.
No.
I'm not speaking on your behalf.
Hey! Tammy! If I can face him physically, I don't even know what I'd say.
You just say the words, Tammy.
That's all there is to do.
You just face him and you say the words, and then you deal with the fallout.
Now, go and get your things together.
Hi.
Penelope Stanlake, marriage celebrant.
You must be Jimmy? - Yeah.
- Lovely to meet you, Jimmy.
- You look wonderful.
- Thank you.
- Penelope Stanlake.
- Darcy Proudman.
Pleased to meet you.
You too.
Well, it's a windy old day, isn't it? - Mmm.
- I'm Geraldine.
Hi, Geraldine.
- You must be very proud.
- We are.
Gorgeous, gorgeous boy.
She's a lucky girl.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- Hey, uh we're cool, aren't we? - Yeah.
Totally.
See? - Told you.
- Where's Billie? Uh, she's on stand-by.
- Hi, I'm Penelope Stanlake.
- Hi, I'm Cherie.
Hi, Cherie.
Is that your little baby? - Yeah.
- Oh.
Tammy's not here yet.
So you've got a bit more time.
- Is Mum there? - Yes.
How does she look? Say A, for depressed.
B, for angry.
C, for drunk.
Or D, for all of the above.
Right.
You ready? Could you bring him out here? Please, I I just, uh I don't think I could face the whole family.
Mmm.
She's here.
Quick.
Shit.
Hang on.
It's just Nina.
There's no sign of Tammy.
Hang on.
Why no Tammy? I'm Penelope Stanlake, marriage celebrant.
- Oh, hello.
- Where's Tammy? Uh, she's could she just see you for a moment? She's waiting outside.
Why no Tammy? Uh, sorry.
Sorry.
Neens, what is it? Nina? What? What? Yep.
They're right in front of me.
Oh, looks like Nina's having a meltdown.
She's upset.
There's no Tammy.
No.
And Neens, well, she's pacing, she's What's going on? Oh, um Jimmy's asking her something.
Oh, she looks like she's gonna be sick.
What's going on? Neens, what's going on? Oh, she's just she There's nothing you can do.
Nothing but say the words.
Jimmy Tammy said that she she can't go through with it today.
- Her ex-boyfriend arrived.
- What? And she was upset and confused.
She said she can't go through with it.
I'm so sorry.
Jim Neens, what happened? Jimmy.
She's not at either of our places.
Not at yours? - No.
- Have you been able to contact Nina? Uh, no oh, yeah, yeah, but I left a message saying we were here.
Are we horrible people? In what way, my love? Were we horrible to Tammy? - Well, you weren't exactly welcoming.
- Oh, thanks very much.
Mum, why ask questions if you don't want to hear the answers? Look, don't take this the wrong way, but I reckon it would be tricky coming into the Proudman family as a daughter-in-law.
What's that supposed to mean? Well, I was welcomed with open arms right from the start.
Yeah, but that's not 'cause you're a man, that's 'cause you were Penniless? And shoeless.
And irresponsible.
With ridiculous hair.
I guess we can be a little formidable.
- At times.
- Shut up.
What's happening? Cherie's found him.
He was at the backpackers'.
- She's bringing him here.
- What the hell happened with Tammy? Was it because of us? No.
- Tammy's ex-boyfriend arrived.
- What?! There was an emotional reunion.
- She got cold feet.
- Ohh - You are kidding! - I'll kill her.
I will kill her.
Is he alright? Cherie just said not good.
I WILL kill her! Just no-one say, "We told you so," or anything judgemental about Tammy.
I'm sure he's feeling horrible enough as it is.
We don't need lessons on how to speak to Jimmy, Nina.
I know.
I'm just saying.
Giving us a lecture on how to conduct conversations.
- OK.
Just say what you like.
- Well, thank you.
What? Drink? Jimmy? Did Cherie tell you that she walked right in on Mick and Billie doing the turkey baster? We weren't doing the turkey baster.
I did see the syringe, though, when Rocket tried to eat it.
- Oh, dear.
- Honestly.
When we were getting ready, your mother forgot it was an open house, and she started undressing in front of a Sri Lankan family.
I didn't forget.
And I gave them plenty of warning.
Billie insisted on being carried around horizontally all afternoon.
That's totally unscientific.
Mum's in one of those moods when she's tipsy but she gets really angry when you say she's tipsy.
I'm not tipsy.
Well, my day's been uneventful.
Uh, a few weeks ago I was asked to write a song for a wedding.
I called it 'It's Beautiful To See You In Love'.
Now, that song has undergone some substantial last-minute rewrites, so please forgive some of the dodgier rhymes.
Love, you fall in love and then that's that Start off thin and then get fat Then somebody buys a cat What's the use of falling in love? It's like getting slowly eaten by a bear Start buying liquid soap and kitchenware And shaving off your pubic hair What's the use of love? Because first You're having sex like it's a career Next you're stuck in fucking IKEA How you got there you've no idea Oh, Jimmy, you're brilliant You're one in a million If someone breaks your heart then I'm willing to kill them You've got a manzilian, dude Haven't you suffered enough? - Hello.
- Hi.
Nina, it's Patrick Reid here.
Oh, you sound formal.
"Patrick Reid here.
" Yep.
And, uh, you sound like you're having a good time.
It's possible I'm a bit drunk.
- How's your head? - It's good.
Thanks.
That's why I'm calling.
- Oh.
- Look, you were right this morning.
Uh, it is related to my sister's situation.
She filed for divorce and her husband reacted badly.
I also reacted badly.
Hence the wound.
Is your sister OK? Yeah, yeah, she is, thanks.
Um, I'm also sorry for you know, some of the things I said.
I was out of line.
Thank you.
I just, um you know, I find some conversations difficult.
Everyone does.
- Really? You don't seem to.
- I do.
I always do.
I find virtually every conversation difficult.
There's a difference between finding conversations difficult and making them difficult.
Excuse me? Are you saying I make conversations difficult? Sometimes.
- Me? - Like right now.
It's a simple conversation - I ring to offer an apology, somehow it got difficult.
Because you are completely maddening, Patrick.
And insulting.
Well, perhaps if I say absolutely nothing this conversation would be easy for you.
Ha, Patrick, thanks for your call, II appreciate the apology.
It's amazing.
I'm glad your sister's OK.
Is it safe for me to speak now? - Goodbye, Patrick.
- You see? Difficult.