Only Fools and Horses (1981) s02e06 Episode Script

- Poxy weather! - Yeah.
Wish I was chairman of Pac-a-Mac! Hmm! Oh, by the way, a Father's Day card arrived for you this morning.
Is it Father's Day? It's a pity we don't know where Dad's living - we could send him a letter bomb! Er, Father's Day card? Hang about I'm not married! Oh no! I wonder what that could mean then? Well, I know what it could meanit means! Oh no, no, no, she told me - she definitely You dozy little git! You nearly gave my heart a connery then.
Cor dear.
Well, I just wanted to liven us up a bit didn't I.
I mean, for the past four days we've been hanging around in pubs and cafes waiting for this rain to leave off.
'It's just a summer shower Rodney' you said.
'Red sky at night and swallows flying backwards, that's a sure sign of a heat wave Rodney' you said.
Alright - alright, don't go on about it! Where d'you think I work, the metaphorical office or somewhere? No, it'll soon be over.
Don't worry.
Who's that on there? You is it? No it's you.
- Anyway, what d'you want to drink? - I'd better have just 'alf a lager.
Yeah, well, the way business has been going this week I think I'd better join you.
- Hello - how's it going Alex? - Hello Del.
Want a drink? Oh well, go on then, I'll, um, have half a lager.
Half a lager.
Yeah, and I'll have a large Drambuie with lime - with er - topped up with soda, lots of ice, slice of lemon and a little cherry on the top.
Two halves of lager, luv.
Done much today? What in this weather, you must be joking.
I wouldn't send a dog out in this, would you? No, I'll send Rodney out later on.
See what he can do.
What are you doing? Have you still got that travel agent's? Yeah, it's not doing me no favours though! I thought I'd clean up on that World Cup but I couldn't get no bookings.
Honest Del, I've got thousands of pounds worth of holidays just laying about.
But everybody's skint.
I tell you, this recession's going to be the end of me! Well you want to cut down on your prices then don't you, Alex, me old mate.
I'd lose money! No way - you'd have some coming in wouldn't you? I mean, I'd rather lose a thre'penny bit than a fiver, wouldn't you? Well that's true, yeah.
I mean, listen, I don't care what the papers say, there's still plenty money about.
You know - if you know where to get it.
I mean, you want to find some way of hooking the punters.
You know, you - you want - you know, a bit of a gimmick.
Such as? Ah? Well.
You put it round the manor, right, that the very next customer in your shop is going to get the biggest cutprice 'oliday in the history of travel.
No - no - listen and I mean really cheap Alex right.
I mean something like anywhere in the world and you'll knock off 80 per cent of the price.
Eh, no 80 per cent, now listen - listen.
But only to the very next customer right.
So that they'll be doing see - they'll be fighting each other to get in your shop.
Now once they're in there you sell the rest of them their holidays at the - the normal price don't you.
Eh? This time next year you'll be a millionaire.
D'you know that's not a bad idea Del.
Come to think of it, it's a belting idea! I tell you that's what I'm gonna do, exactly what you told me.
Thanks for the advice, mate.
That's alright, don't mention it pal.
I'll see yer around alright? Right.
- Fancy an 'oliday? - We can't afford an 'oliday.
Yes we can.
Alex, special offer, anywhere in the world - 80 per cent off.
He'll go bust! Yeah I know he will - I know - that's what I told him but he wouldn't listen, you know what he's like Ah, what about it then Rodney, eh? Me and you, eh? What up into the wide blue yonder.
Yeah, get a bit of the currant bun on our backs, eh? Oh yeah, I'll have some of that Del, yeah! You go down the road and knock out a bit of that gear and I'll do the old bizzo with Alex.
Right? Yeah right! Oi, wait a minute! It's peeing down out there! Yeah well - you want some spending money for yer duty frees don't yer? Well yeah, oh I'm never gonna be able to sell this stuff.
Of course you are my son.
Remember me motto.
He who dares wins! Yeah right! See you later.
See you later good boy.
Here, Alex.
Abut that offer! Genuine Italian sun hats.
Made in Roma! - I could die you know! - More than likely! I mean, fancy sending me out in weather like that.
Been raining has it? Been raining? Why don't you stick your nose out of that door once every so often, eh? It's been raining non-stop for four days! I've done it Rodney - done it.
I've booked our holiday.
Here you are, my boy.
That's it - there it is all in there.
We're going somewhere different, we are away from the tourists.
Yeah - where? Benidorm! It'll be fantastic Rodney, we'll have a great time won't we - eh? All that blue sea, the sunshine, dancing with all them foreign sorts! You know Viva Espania.
Yeah! That's what it's all about innit? When do we go Del? Eh? Er, in three weeks' time Grandad.
It's goodbye Luton airport, hello Benidorm Um, yeah, well the thing is Grandad I've always wanted to go to Benidorm.
Where is it? It's in Spain, ain't it.
Spain? I've been to Spain before! Oh, oh, well you wouldn't wanna go again then, would you, it'll be the same old thing! I ain't never been to Benidorm! It'll make a nice break.
Yeah! Yeah, the thing is Grandad – I tell you what, um, er, well look, why don't you go out in the kitchen, you know, and knock us up a nice Spanish omelette – you know, help us get in the mood.
Oh! I've only got three eggs left and one of them's on the turn.
Still, if I put a lot of pepper in.
Great - triffic.
Are you gonna tell him? Oh Rodney, how can I tell him, look at him, he's got his heart set on it ain't he? We can't take him with us Del, he'll cramp our style won't he? I mean you could bring a bird back to the room, go to pour her a Sangria or something and find his false teeth in the glass.
Yeah, that would upset the romantic ambience somewhat, wouldn't it? Well, what we gonna tell him then? Er, say the food won't agree with him! No that won't work, you know him, he's got a stomach like a rubbish skip! Er, the change of climate! Now the last holiday we had the change of climate upset him didn't it and we'd only gone to Bangor! Good one! Like it.
No, I can't Rodney.
No look it's gonna break his heart.
Alright, Del, well if you can't tell him, then I will! Alright.
Just a minute - just now.
If you're going to tell him now, do it gently will you.
You know - I mean - he's family.
- You just - just leave it to me Del.
- Alright, good boy Rodney.
Er, Grandad, could I have a word? Oh Alex? Hello it's Del Boy.
Look about that holiday I booked with you this morning? Yeah - listen - um, d'you reckon the hotel could put another bed in our room? Only Grandad's coming.
Oh nice one Alex.
Right, yeah I'll pop that kite round to you in the morning.
Alright, see you around pal.
Well? Oh, look, couldn't the hotel put another bed in our room? Eh no, Del, I couldn't have told him, it'd broken his heart! You're just like the man at the top you are ain't yer, you're utterly ruthless! - I can be when I want to! - Oh yeah.
I can - I've just this minute told Grandad I don't like Spanish omelettes! Oh yeah - I mean - that's really being ruthless that is innit, eh? I also told him that you love 'em, so you've got two! You Careful Del, there's a bowl down there Now then what do you want Oh God! - 'Ere, hang about.
Oi girls.
- Wendy it's alright he's asleep.
Now come on, listen 'Ey, watch it.
There you go Del.
Oh, cheers, this is the life, eh Rodders? When we become millionaires we'll move out - get a villa Get Grandad one of them little old folks' homes that they have out here.
What old folks homes they have out here? You know, we saw 'em in the holiday brochure.
What d'they call 'em? Pensions! Grandad I got yer lager! Grandad! Yoohoo.
Grandad, Rodney has a lager! You oughta act yer age a bit more.
That could have blinded me! Come here.
I don't want nuffink to drink.
I'm going back to the hotel to have a fiesta.
Hey, d'you reckon he's alright? He's been acting all edgy and nervous ever since we got here.
Maybe it's all that squid he ate The grub in the hotel ain't up to much is it, eh? Oh you can say that again! Here about that soup last night! Called it oxtail - it's more like foxtail weren't it, eh? You don't reckon he's sickening for anything do you? No! It's probably just the heat, he's not as young as he used to be is he.
'Ere Rodney, put some of that oil on me back will you.
Oh Del I'm sorry.
Sorry I thought it was oil.
Childish that.
Probably marked now, is it? You don’t 'alf go on don't yer? I said I'm sorry! Look, I'll go up to the room and get you a fresh shirt.
Alright? Yeah, why don't you do that small thing Rodney, alright.
Bon soir.
Oh bonjour M'sieur.
Vous restez a l'hotel? Defense de fumier! Avez vous Dubonnet? Oui, oiu, merci Garcon, dos Dubonnet pore favore.
Danke schon.
De quelle partie de la France etes-vous? Oui! Er, je t'aime, je t'adore? Sur le pont d'Avignon! Pardon M'sieur! - Hey Jackie! - Hi! Join me for a drink? Oh, I'd love to but I think I got stuck with that little French feller over there.
I wouldn't worry about him.
Pull up a pew - he won't bother you with me around.
Je suis frontieres.
Thank you waiter! I hope he doesn't kick sand in my face.
Shut up! What's up with you? I was just about to pull a French sort.
Look you've got to come with me now.
Come on.
- What's the matter? - It's Grandad! Grandad? He's ill ain't he? I told you there was something the matter with him but you wouldn't listen to me would you.
- He's not ill! - Well what's up with him then? - He's been arrested! - Arrested! Well come on! Veesitors! Huh, it's you two! Yeah, good afternoon Grandad, how are you? Settled in alright? Quo vadis senor.
You know, quo vadis! Took yer time getting here didn't yer? Now don't you start getting stroppy with me you ungrateful old git! I've been running round this town – I've been running about here like a tit in a trance looking for you! I went to the police station, they knew you'd been arrested - but they couldn't remember what they'd done with you! Yeah.
And for the last four hours I've been phoning round trying to get hold of a consul! Oh charming! So while I'm banged up in here Rodney's out trying to hire a car! Not that sort of consul, you daft old git.
I mean the British consulate! Well why didn't you bring him then with you? Well why did you get yourself arrested? Sssh! Keep your voice down.
You'll get him chucked out of here! Just - just keep calm will you, everybody please.
Just nice and calm and easy.
Right, what happened? Nothing! I was just crossing the road to the hotel, when this police car squinched up to me nearly running me over - next thing I knew I was banged up in here! They ain't even charged me with nuffing! No - no - look you must have done something Grandad! You went back to the hotel for a little kip right, 'alf hour later you're doing porridge! Now think hard Grandad.
Have you done anything remotely out of order? I mean, did you get drunk and disorderly.
Did you have a punch up with the Kuwaiti supporters' club.
Did you goose the maid? No! Wellthere was a little incident Del.
It didn't happen today though! Now we're getting somewhere.
Alright, come on.
Tell me when did it happen? You know for a moment there I thought you said 1936! That's funny that but so did I! In 1936 I was deported from Spain! And all her territories and dominions! Would you, er, would you consider it nosey of me if I were to ask you the reason why.
Do you really wanna know? Well nowe're just curious that's all! Yeah, you know, well we just wondered.
WellI were up to no good weren't I! Well I didn't think they got ruddy well deported for doing missionary work id I? So what happened in 1936? The Spanish Civil War happened, that's what happened! The Spanish CivilThis gets worse Rodney! Oh look, it's a long long story! Well according to Manuel the guard you may have a long long time to tell it in! So let's hear it.
Well in 1936 the family was living in Peabody Buildings, Peckham Rye.
Oh it was terribly hard times! We had no money - no food - no future! There was millions of unemployed on the dole.
Excuse me.
Just a minute - just a - sorry - just a minute.
I mean, excuse me, I may be being a wally or something, but you - can you possibly explain to me what a dole queue in Peckham has got to do with the Spanish Civil War! I'm building up to it Del! Having a conversation with him is like the slow death innit? One day me and my mate Nobby Clarke, we decided we had just about had enough of it.
So we run off to join the Foreign Legion! The Foreign Legion? You don't mean the British Legion? The French Foreign Legion! Camels and forts, you know! So we hitch-hiked to Southampton.
That's where their headquarters was? No! That's where we tried to get aboard a boat! Well, eventually we stowed away on a tramp steamer.
We hid under the tarpaulin in the lifeboat.
But oh – the voyage was terrible, there was storms and gales.
Us Trotters have never made good sailors! Now Nobby was - he was alright on the water, I think it comes from the time when he was a caretaker at a seamen's mission in Grimsby.
Oi oi, I don't want to worry you, you know, but our plane leaves in three days.
What happened in Spain? Well I'm just coming to it! Oh now where was I! You and the Fisherman's Friend were under a tarpaulin in the lifeboat.
Oh yeah! Well, when the ship finally docked guess where we were? - Spain! - No, Tangiers! Grandad, is it worth me making any plans for my future? I mean what has all this got to do with the Foreign Legion? Tangiers was one of their main bases wasn't it.
You see any normal person who wanted to join the French Legion would have gone to France, wouldn't they.
Not him, no! Well we jumped ship and made our way to their barracks.
When we got there we couldn't believe our eyes.
They were the biggest band of cutthroats, villains and murderers you could ever hope to see! They was the scum of the earth! So you didn't join? We tried but they wouldn't have us! Well, now me and Nobby was in dead lumber.
We had no money, we had nowhere to sleep and we was a thousand miles from home! But then we had a bit of luck, well it were more a quirk of fate really.
We bumped into an Arab and he offered us a job.
He said he'd pay us to take his motor launch over to the Spanish coast and deliver aa cargo.
- What sort of 'cargo'? - Guns.
You mean you were gun-running in the middle of the civil war? Well that's the best time to do it Rodney, supply and demand! You dirty little mercenary! Oh we didn't do it purely for financial gain! Oh no, we both felt a deep commitment to a political cause! Which side were you selling to? Well whichever side had the most money really.
Oh no, no - it's alright Rodney.
No, I mean, you know a conscience is nice but business is business, right.
Well it was after the seventh trip when it happened There was government troops, lying in wait for us.
They arrested us and they took us to this little prison outside a town called Tarifa.
They took Nobby away andtortured him! You could hear his screams echoing through the night! Woke you up at one point didn't it? The last thing on my mind was sleep Rodney! But no matter what they done to him Nobby wouldn't say a word! I bet he didn't ever have his Callard and Bowser to suck did he! Then it were my turn! Theythey tortured you? No! But they would have done if I hadn't told them everything I knew! Well, a couple of days later these government geezers arrive with our deportation orders, and well, well, that's about it! Are you sure that's about it? I mean you haven't forgotten any little minor details have yer? Like, I mean, you didn't pop over to Honk Kong and become an opium peddler or you didn't get a Saturday morning job as a white slave trader did you? No - I just went back to Peckham Del, put me name down on the housing list.
Grandad, why the hell didn't you tell us all this before we left home? Well, I was gonna tell you but I thought it might spoil the 'oliday! Spoil the 'oliday! Well what do you think this has done? We'd have been better off with that caravan in Buenos Aires now, wouldn't we.
Well it happened a long time ago.
I thought the Spanish authorities would have forgotten it by now! Forgotten about it? Forgotten about it.
You're most probably on their ten most wanted terrorists lists – you're probably somewhere between Carlos the Jackal and the Black November! - September! - What? It's September.
The Black September! You said November! Gordon Bennett Rodney, we haven't got time to stand about here discussing signs of the bleedin' zodiac! We've gotta think of a way of getting the Red Shadow out of here! It's no sweat, they'll just deport him again! Just deport him.
You're joking of course.
They've just held the World Cup here haven't they, they've got 'arf of Manchester and Glasgow to get rid of first! By the time we get him back he'll be eating paella and calling us gringos! There's gotta be a way! Now there's always a way! Hello, visiting time's over.
Here - listen, oi you two - now you keep schtum.
Let me do all the talking alright.
Ah hello Juan! Just the one I wanted to see.
Yeah, well, um, no I just wanted to say like my grandfather here was telling us about the charming reception that he's received in your charming bijou nick! What ees thees you say to me, eh? You take thee peees yes? I'm not taking the piss, au contraire - au contraire Juan.
No I was, um - the thing that I wanted to say to you - was Oi Del! What the bloody 'ell do you think you're doing! I told you keep schtum! Pardona Monsieur, El Wally.
I've been racking my brains to find a way that I could possibly repay you, you know for all the good work that you've done.
And I thought that perhaps you might give this to the charity of your choice, know what I mean? - The charity of my choice? - Yeah.
- Gracias senor.
- Granada.
Gracias! Now listen Juan, now - now we're such close friends, I was just wondering if you - you know, that you could pull a few strings and get me old Grandad out of this khazi? Ce senor! You can go! - What - go! What, just like that? - Si! You are free to go.
Um, excuse me Juan, er, shouldn't you like, clear it with the Guv'ner first, you know what I mean.
There's no need senor, I have hees release papers here! You mean that you were going to let him go anyway? Si senor! Nice one.
Nice one Juan! Yes - yes a couple more years and you could be in charge of yer own borstal couldn't yer.
How come you're letting me go so soon? You done nothing - it's a little offence.
How you say - a traffic violation.
You crossa the road almost causing the car to crash! But we make no charges - bad for Angelo-Spanish relationships! Yeah, well, don't think you're getting Gibraltar back just 'cos of this! You - well, it appears you walked across the road Grandfather! You were done for jay-walking you stupid old berk! Well I didn't know Del Boy.
When they screeched to a halt I thought they'd captured me! Gracias once again senor.
The charity of my choice will ve very pleased.
I bet she will Juan, I bet she will! Well I suppose we'd better stop off at the drug store and get something for Grandad's cuts and bruises.
I ain't got no cuts and bruises! It's early yet!