Outnumbered (2007) s02e06 Episode Script
The Football Match
I don't care, Karen, you shouldn't have done it.
Well, Ben did it first! Well, if Ben stuck his head in the oven, would you do that? No, because if Ben's head would be in the oven there wouldn't be room for mine.
Karen.
I couldn't possibly get my head in the oven without cutting my head off.
And then I'd be dead, so I couldn't close the door.
Do you think you could stop being so cheeky? Do you think you could stop asking stupid questions? Do you Pete, can you talk to her.
Why me? Because she listens to you.
No she doesn't.
She does.
All right.
Karen don't talk back to your mother.
There, see Well, you didn't try very CRASH FROM UPSTAIRS Ben?! What have you broken? Karen did it.
Karen's down here! Well, she did it earlier and, it's only just dropped off.
Oh, for God If I get up there and find a huge mess when we're all trying to get out of the house This is crap.
So's that.
And that really is crap! Good God Almighty! What's that woman doing? Why why is she starring at the contents of that bloke's toilet? That's Dr.
Gillian McKeith, Grandad.
Eh? That's what she does.
She looks down people's toilets.
Oh, yeah, we had a bloke like that in the Army.
Well, the good news is he's developing a real passion for medieval history.
And the bad news is he's made a trebuchet, with which he is launching tennis balls at the lamp.
Impressive.
You're look smart.
I've got a bad feeling about this interview.
I just don't think I'm his kind of person.
Well, Tyson says that you can be any kind of person that you want to be.
Tyson's an idiot.
Well, he's the best boss I ever had, and I think what he's trying to say is that it's all about self-belief I mean mentally, I just don't think I'm ready Well, OK, come on, let's have a quick rehearsal.
I'll be the erm the Headmaster, and you be you.
Come on.
Ah Pete, come in, sit down.
Not there.
There.
What are you doing? Just getting into it.
Oh, for f Now Peter, give me 3 good reasons why I should appoint you as our new Head of History? OK One, I want the chance to create the next generation of winners.
Good, very good total bollocks, but it's very good.
Number two, I have passion for my subject, and three, I am very ambitious.
That's good.
Just one tip though.
Don't lean back away from him when you say it, because it looks a bit negative, I read it in that body language book.
Don't believe everything you read in the toilet.
I wish people would scrape their plates before they put them in the dishwasher.
Cos it's this stuff that means that I have to call out Mick the plumber, and listen to him banging on about his villa in Umbria, and it's bloody olive grove.
Sue, you've got a dollop of, er CAR ALARM WAILS Not again, that bloody alarm a leaf's probably landed on the bonnet.
Bollocks! Bollocks! Bollocking Bollocks! ALARM STOPS Hi, Sue.
Hello, Sue.
Hello, Sue.
Hi, Barbara.
Hi, kids.
How's things? Good! All biked up I see.
Yeah, Martin and I just decided it was time to stop copping out and taking them to school in the car.
So it's "on yer bikes".
Yeah, we're going to start doing that.
Really? Great! Yeah we're We just have to get Ben's bike out of the pond.
Here's a good fact for you.
Did you know ants can survive in a microwave? Right? Because the waves are big and ants are small, so the waves go over the ants, and that means ants can survive in a microwave.
Really? Yeah, but woodlice can't.
Nice Oh, my God! Ben! It's science! It is not science, it is roasting insects! Ben, come here.
ARGUING ON TV I am having my daughter's boyfriend's baby.
Ben! No more experiments with the microwave.
Fine.
Are you going to watch me play football this afternoon at school? As long as you don't embarrass me with all that diving again.
It has been a while since you picked me up from school.
Yeah, well, for a while it hasn't really been advisable.
Why? Because all the kids at your school are scared of me, and we both know why that is, don't we.
Do we? Ben, you told them that I'd killed a man.
Oh, yeah, sorry But that wasn't my fault.
Well, that's not That's cos Ross was boasting about his Dad, cos he says his Dad is a champion at archery, and his Dad eats really, really, really, really hot curries so I said that you'd strangled a man with your bare hands and that shut him up.
Why would you? But it's all right now because Mrs Pearson got up in Assembly and explained that you weren't a murderer.
You must have been very proud.
Have you really never killed anyone? Not yet And it'll be good practice for the sponsored cycle for Bangladesh, that we're all doing.
What a great idea.
Have a lovely day! Yeah, will do.
Bye! Bye! CHILDREN: Bye Sue! Right Was that Barbara? Yes, sweetheart.
I like Barbara.
Do you, that's nice.
Everybody likes Barbara.
She's lovely, always lovely and calm.
Yeah, lovely and calm.
And I think she's a bit like a princess because she's so pretty and her hair's always perfect.
Permanently perfect! Why are there never any pens in this house? You've got some jam on your head.
What? Jam On your head.
Oh, no! Karen, go and get your shoes on.
All right, Jakester? Yeah.
Are you all right? Yeah, I was just, er checking some e-mails, see whether any needed action.
So you weren't checking up on Mum's new boss again, then? Yeah, well it was just a misunderstanding, I, er, I was you know, researching some unrelated topics on the computer and I just happened to stumble across some stuff about Tyson, that's all.
Yeah, do you want another go at that? Look You might have told me I had jam on my head.
Well, I did I've just spent the last couple of minutes talking to Barbara, looking like a Victoria sponge.
Did Barbara point it out then? No, she'd be too nice to do that.
Yes, Barbara's far too nice Why do none of the pens in this house ever write? OK, I'm outta here.
We're all going to be out for a bit, so I need to write Dad a note.
I need to remind him not to get involved with any strangers coming to the door selling things.
God knows what I'm going to do with 13 pairs of oven gloves.
Look, Sue, about your dad I know, I know, we're going to have to make a decision.
It's just checking out those nursing homes I mean, he's still pretty lively, isn't he, he could stay with us for a while yet, couldn't he? Well I mean, our Grandad lived with us when we were little he had the same thing, they just didn't have a name for it then but we managed I dunno, this is really starting to get to me.
I just feel so guilty.
About what? Oh nothing, darling.
It's about the jam on your forehead, isn't it? No.
Come on, get your shoes on and let's get ready to go to school.
I never hear her coming.
No, neither do I.
'22 people are receiving hospital treatment' DOOR SLAMS It's me! Good day? Fine.
'It's not thought that any of the injuries are serious.
' You all right? This is terrible.
What is? There's been three train crashes.
All of them in Kent.
No, Grandad, that's rolling news.
Eh? News 24.
It's when they show the same stories over and over again.
So there's really only been one train crash in Kent, but you've seen it three times.
Ohoh.
I thought it was a bit of a coincidence.
When's Daddy going to be home? Cos I want to show him my picture.
Oh, that's nice.
What is it? This is Satan, and this is Jesus, and this is a zebra.
And this is Satan trying to persuade Jesus to jump off the end Well, that's lovely.
Who told you that story? Miss Braebrook.
And she says that Satan's everywhere.
Not just in hell hurting people.
And Miss Braebrook teaches you RE, does she? No, numeracy.
Well, er McDonalds might be a viable sponsor for our metal detector and um yeah, and in design terms, they they could maybe echo the golden arches.
Yeah.
Yes, absolutely.
OK, yeah bye.
Bye.
Peter.
Let me say first that I was very pleasantly surprised that you're putting yourself forward for this post, because, to be perfectly up-front with you, I wasn't sure if you had enough self-belief to do this.
I actually have quite high levels of self-belief.
Good, that's good.
Now, the last couple of years have been a bit of a learning curve for you, haven't they? We've talked about the dangers of using irony with parents, especially when they are making a complaint.
And work for the Daily Mail but that's all in the past, and the past is the past.
So now, Peter, I want you to give me nine good reasons why you should get this job.
Nine? Yup, off you go, champ.
That's just Miss Braebrook's opinion.
It doesn't necessarily mean she's right.
Are you calling Miss Brabrook a liar? I'm just thinking, even most Christians probably don't believe in a hell where people get hurt.
They're the sort of people that will be going to hell, that's what Miss Braebrook says.
I think you'll find Satan's not real.
But, then if he wasn't alive then how would people know how to draw him? No-one's ever seen Satan.
I've never seen Satan.
He doesn't exist.
Miss Braebrook has.
She said that when she was just getting ready for bed, and she took her tablets and everything, Satan appeared, and he was he was sitting on her on her wardrobe, looking down at her, and Do you think that you could point Miss Braebrook out to me in the playground tomorrow? And, nine I have worked at this school for quite a while now so I know where everything is.
OK OK, thank you for that.
Now, Peter, let me tell you what I'm looking for - commitment.
Your commitment to our raft of rolling initiatives going forward Good, good.
Well, in that case, you see, I've been busy evolving the new school prospectus, and I had asked Mr Bentley to process the statistics for me, but I'm not sure he's presented the figures in the most positive, er formulation, so I was wondering whether you would like to have a crack at it for me, as a way of demonstrating your commitment.
Eh, what exactly wasn't positive enough about Mr Bentley's formulation? Well, eh oh, it's just a little thing but, for instance, in the exam results section, I'm not sure there's any point factoring in Year 9.
I think we're all aware that that particular year is something of a an anomaly.
An anomaly? Yeah, and actually when you come to go through it all in detail you may well find there are a few anomalies that could do with ironing out.
Right.
Karen! What are you doing? I'm having a wee.
Can you try not to pee like a boy again, please! Mum.
Yes.
Grandad's memory's just going to keep getting worse, isn't it? I'm afraid so, yeah.
Do you think he'll get to a stage when he won't be able to remember who we are? Nah He'll always remember us Who could forget us? OK, put your dirty things in the laundry.
I'm not listening to a word you say! Hello Can I write my Christmas list? Well Yeah, I suppose so but, y'know, I've been thinking it might be a good idea not to ask Father Christmas for quite so many presents as last year.
Cos it's heavy for the reindeer.
Well, then how many can I have? Oh, I dunno Four? Four?! Well, you know, baby Jesus only got four, didn't he? The gold, the frankincense, the myrrh and the little lamb Then can I have a little lamb? Do you know, Santa doesn't deliver livestock.
They tend to panic in the chimneys.
We've still got money trouble then? with Santa bringing me my presents? Yes, Jake, how could that have anything to do with Father Christmas and the presents HE brings.
Get a grip, mate.
Hiya! Good day? No I'm shattered.
How was your interview? Well, I'm definitely in with a chance, according to the Head.
Because I am a team player! That's great, isn't it? How was work? Oh, it was fun, yeah.
Tyson took us all out for a fancy lunch.
Spontaneously? Yeah.
That's nice.
What's that? That is a draft school prospectus.
The Head's asked me to "reformulate" bits of it.
Well, why you? Because Alistair Campbell isn't available and Goebbels is dead.
Well, hang on Oh, hi.
How was your game? Are you OK? Ask him! The referee didn't show, they asked if a parent would volunteer and I stepped up to the plate.
And, well, the match wasn't without it's controversial moments and to cut a long story short He sent me off! Yes, I did.
That's right.
He sent off his own son! Well, I couldn't show him any favouritism, that would have weakened my authority.
Oh, Pete.
I'm sorry, Sue, but three times I warned him about diving.
The third time would have made even Ronaldo blush.
He left me no wriggle-room.
My mates all think you're an idiot.
Yes, I know that, they expressed that opinion quite forcibly.
Mind you, they won't be doing that again in a hurry.
Why not? Because he sent them off too! All of them! You sent off the whole team? You can't give in to mass dissent, Sue.
That is the start of the slippery slope.
It's nothing to do with slippery slopes.
You were in a bad mood since the moment you arrived, you stupid pillock! You're stupid! Stupid pillock Y'see? That is the kind of thing I had to put up with.
You sent off an entire team of eight-year-olds.
They have to understand that actions have consequences.
I sent the goalie off twice.
What, little Ashley? For foul language, and then threatening behaviour.
You see, they just copy what they see their favourite star doing on television.
I reckon Ashley is probably a Joey Barton fan.
Anyway, I If anyone's going out, could they get me a bottle of Mackeson's, only I think I need the iron.
Yeah OK, Frank.
PHONE RINGS Hello Oh, hi, Ashley, Ben's upstairs shall I Oh, OK He wants to talk to you.
Hello, Ashley, have you phoned to apologise? No, that is where you are wrong actually, Ashley.
You can get two red cards in the same game.
Pete! Well, then your dad knows the rules about as well as you do.
Pete! Well, you may think I am a rubbish referee.
Ashley, but I don't think you're much cop as a goalkeeper.
Pete! Am I? Well, for the record, Ashley, I think you're a bit of a tosser as well.
PETE! For.
.
You cannot back down in the face of that stuff, Sue, that's where Neville Chamberlain went wrong.
He's not Neville Chamberlain, he's eight.
He's not Chamberlain in that analogy, he's Fascism.
He's eight.
You cannot let them get away with it.
He's eight.
Ashley is Fascism.
He's eight.
Oh, hello.
Is that Strictly Come Dancing? We, we would like to vote for Anton and Kerry please again, yes, thank you very much, thank you, Brucie.
That was Brucie? Yeah, he sends you his very best wishes.
When you dialled it you didn't press green I don't think.
I did.
No, you didn't.
I wouldn't have got Brucie.
Don't put the saucepan in the dishwasher, it won't fit.
I bet I can make it fit.
Can you just take it out and wash it up nicely.
I don't know why you're making such a fuss.
Barbara's children next door have a washing-up rota.
Yeah? Is that right? And they do their own sewing.
Yeah, OK, I don't think comparisons are useful.
How was this lunch of yours, then? Did Tyson take you in his sports car? He's got a sports car, has he? It's a Porsche 911 Turbo.
It's wicked, I've had a ride in it.
Well, Tyson took him for a spin around the block when he dropped that stuff off the other day.
I see.
Doesn't sound very safe does it, our son being whizzed around in a sports car, by a stranger.
Well, it's got seat belts and Tyson's not a stranger.
No, you've known him for all of two weeks.
That car's cool.
Tyson's cool.
Why can't you be cool, Dad? Daddy is cool.
No he isn't.
Yes, he is, he fixed my scooter.
That's not cool.
Cool is when you can go to the arcade while people think you're at school because you put a dummy in there, and also No, cool means those cars that have seats in the boot so that you can look out, and You're talking rubbish.
Well, you're not cool.
You've got hair like a girl.
SHE SCREAMS All right! He splashed me deliberately! My hand slipped.
All right, all right Congratulations, Ben, cos you've now done such a bad job, I'm almost certainly not going to ask you to do it again which is probably part of your evil master plan.
Can I watch telly? Yes, but you'll have to negotiate with Grandad.
Can we watch something? In a minute, when I've finished watching this.
What is it? Er, it's about the sixties.
The Beatles! Oh, yeah, the Beatles.
Who's your favourite Beatle, do you think? Ringo Starr.
Why? He's called Ringo Starr.
Who are they? They're the hippies.
Hippies.
Oh, that's horrible! Hippies being shot.
Yeah That is horrible.
A hippy's been shot.
Cos he tried to stop the war and he got shot.
What a stupid hippy, running up to an army man saying, I am one thousand years old.
No you're not.
I knew all the great people in history.
OK Fine.
What were all the names of King Henry VIII's wives? Yeah, there was a couple of Catherine's, Bertha Big Bottom THEY LAUGH Queen Fatty Knickers Queen Bonkers and Queen Derek.
Oh, that was funny.
Big Henry Yeah, I knew him.
And the way you said it was funny.
Ben only has odd socks, I swear he must eat one of every pair just to wind me up.
Here you go.
Thank you.
Listen, about your dad, I've been thinking if you want him to stay here with us, then that is fine, Nooo, don't say that! Why? myself that you were right.
Yeah, but you got me thinking with that stuff about your Grandad living with you and people did that.
I know, but he's going to need constant supervision and he's going to need a proper routine Oh, we can't both be right that would destroy the universe.
Oh, get a room.
Actually this is a room, that had a door, that was closed.
I didn't realise it was your love-nest.
It's not our love Where's Djibouti? Well, why are you asking us? Is the internet down again? Yeah, where is it? It's in South America.
The south of France.
It's a country, it's not a city.
It's a region, of France.
No it isn't in France, it's It's not in South America is it? I mean Brilliant, how come I get lumbered with the thick parents? DOOR SLAMS Look we don't need to panic about your dad.
We don't need to make a decision now.
Well, I think we have, haven't we? Come on Are you sure? No, but let's do it before I chicken out.
Dad? You know Ashley's Dad, who you were so rude about, to Ashley on the phone? I wasn't rude about him, I was honest.
Well, he's a paratrooper.
Right, yeah No, he is.
Yeah.
He's just come back from fighting the Taliban.
Yeah, well I'll be all right, because thanks to you, he probably thinks I'm a killer.
No, I told Ashley you worked in a cake shop.
A cake shop? Yeah.
Why on earth Don't get involved.
Karen, do you think it's time you ought to be starting bath and bedtime? But, I'm watching Strictly Come Dancing, which I missed last Saturday when you said "Let's go to the Museum".
Karen.
But Grandad was Mummy and I need to have a quick word with Grandad, about grown-up stuff, up you go.
Is it about how to make a baby? No, up you go.
Cos I can tell you that.
Yes, we know that.
You told us yesterday.
In fact you told most of Sainsbury's.
She reminds me of you when you were that age.
Listen, Frank we need to talk to you about your, um accommodation.
Accommodation? You see Dad, the thing is is you have certain needs and requirements, and you will continue to have certain needs and requirements, and increasingly as time goes by The thing is Frank, we're not sure that this house really best meets those requirements, and we were wondering whether, possibly a Residential home of some sort, might be better suited to them.
You're saying I should go into a home.
On balance, Frank, yeah.
Oh, thank God! I have been worrying so much about how I was going to break it to you, I can't live here! There's to much noise and confusion.
I don't know how you two stand it, to be honest.
Mind you, mind you don't get me wrong, your kids are lovely, lovely and sweet, good in Well, Sue's already found one that's quite nice.
Perhaps we could take you to have a look? Is it full of rich, sex-starved old women? Oh, honestly Dad, you're Exclusively.
.
.
a terror.
DOORBELL RINGS Are you sure you're all right with this, Frank? You're not saying this just to let us off the hook, are you? Nah, don't be silly.
It's for the best.
Right.
Oh, Barbara, are you all right? Yeah, I'm fine.
Just having one of those days.
Well, do you want to come in and No, I'm fine.
You know the spare key you've got to our place Yes Well, could you replace it with this one? I've had to have the locks changed.
Oh, right, OK.
Oh, and um if I'm not in, and Martin calls asking to borrow the spare, um could you not give it to him? Just tell him I didn't give you one.
All right.
Thanks.
Yesss!
Well, Ben did it first! Well, if Ben stuck his head in the oven, would you do that? No, because if Ben's head would be in the oven there wouldn't be room for mine.
Karen.
I couldn't possibly get my head in the oven without cutting my head off.
And then I'd be dead, so I couldn't close the door.
Do you think you could stop being so cheeky? Do you think you could stop asking stupid questions? Do you Pete, can you talk to her.
Why me? Because she listens to you.
No she doesn't.
She does.
All right.
Karen don't talk back to your mother.
There, see Well, you didn't try very CRASH FROM UPSTAIRS Ben?! What have you broken? Karen did it.
Karen's down here! Well, she did it earlier and, it's only just dropped off.
Oh, for God If I get up there and find a huge mess when we're all trying to get out of the house This is crap.
So's that.
And that really is crap! Good God Almighty! What's that woman doing? Why why is she starring at the contents of that bloke's toilet? That's Dr.
Gillian McKeith, Grandad.
Eh? That's what she does.
She looks down people's toilets.
Oh, yeah, we had a bloke like that in the Army.
Well, the good news is he's developing a real passion for medieval history.
And the bad news is he's made a trebuchet, with which he is launching tennis balls at the lamp.
Impressive.
You're look smart.
I've got a bad feeling about this interview.
I just don't think I'm his kind of person.
Well, Tyson says that you can be any kind of person that you want to be.
Tyson's an idiot.
Well, he's the best boss I ever had, and I think what he's trying to say is that it's all about self-belief I mean mentally, I just don't think I'm ready Well, OK, come on, let's have a quick rehearsal.
I'll be the erm the Headmaster, and you be you.
Come on.
Ah Pete, come in, sit down.
Not there.
There.
What are you doing? Just getting into it.
Oh, for f Now Peter, give me 3 good reasons why I should appoint you as our new Head of History? OK One, I want the chance to create the next generation of winners.
Good, very good total bollocks, but it's very good.
Number two, I have passion for my subject, and three, I am very ambitious.
That's good.
Just one tip though.
Don't lean back away from him when you say it, because it looks a bit negative, I read it in that body language book.
Don't believe everything you read in the toilet.
I wish people would scrape their plates before they put them in the dishwasher.
Cos it's this stuff that means that I have to call out Mick the plumber, and listen to him banging on about his villa in Umbria, and it's bloody olive grove.
Sue, you've got a dollop of, er CAR ALARM WAILS Not again, that bloody alarm a leaf's probably landed on the bonnet.
Bollocks! Bollocks! Bollocking Bollocks! ALARM STOPS Hi, Sue.
Hello, Sue.
Hello, Sue.
Hi, Barbara.
Hi, kids.
How's things? Good! All biked up I see.
Yeah, Martin and I just decided it was time to stop copping out and taking them to school in the car.
So it's "on yer bikes".
Yeah, we're going to start doing that.
Really? Great! Yeah we're We just have to get Ben's bike out of the pond.
Here's a good fact for you.
Did you know ants can survive in a microwave? Right? Because the waves are big and ants are small, so the waves go over the ants, and that means ants can survive in a microwave.
Really? Yeah, but woodlice can't.
Nice Oh, my God! Ben! It's science! It is not science, it is roasting insects! Ben, come here.
ARGUING ON TV I am having my daughter's boyfriend's baby.
Ben! No more experiments with the microwave.
Fine.
Are you going to watch me play football this afternoon at school? As long as you don't embarrass me with all that diving again.
It has been a while since you picked me up from school.
Yeah, well, for a while it hasn't really been advisable.
Why? Because all the kids at your school are scared of me, and we both know why that is, don't we.
Do we? Ben, you told them that I'd killed a man.
Oh, yeah, sorry But that wasn't my fault.
Well, that's not That's cos Ross was boasting about his Dad, cos he says his Dad is a champion at archery, and his Dad eats really, really, really, really hot curries so I said that you'd strangled a man with your bare hands and that shut him up.
Why would you? But it's all right now because Mrs Pearson got up in Assembly and explained that you weren't a murderer.
You must have been very proud.
Have you really never killed anyone? Not yet And it'll be good practice for the sponsored cycle for Bangladesh, that we're all doing.
What a great idea.
Have a lovely day! Yeah, will do.
Bye! Bye! CHILDREN: Bye Sue! Right Was that Barbara? Yes, sweetheart.
I like Barbara.
Do you, that's nice.
Everybody likes Barbara.
She's lovely, always lovely and calm.
Yeah, lovely and calm.
And I think she's a bit like a princess because she's so pretty and her hair's always perfect.
Permanently perfect! Why are there never any pens in this house? You've got some jam on your head.
What? Jam On your head.
Oh, no! Karen, go and get your shoes on.
All right, Jakester? Yeah.
Are you all right? Yeah, I was just, er checking some e-mails, see whether any needed action.
So you weren't checking up on Mum's new boss again, then? Yeah, well it was just a misunderstanding, I, er, I was you know, researching some unrelated topics on the computer and I just happened to stumble across some stuff about Tyson, that's all.
Yeah, do you want another go at that? Look You might have told me I had jam on my head.
Well, I did I've just spent the last couple of minutes talking to Barbara, looking like a Victoria sponge.
Did Barbara point it out then? No, she'd be too nice to do that.
Yes, Barbara's far too nice Why do none of the pens in this house ever write? OK, I'm outta here.
We're all going to be out for a bit, so I need to write Dad a note.
I need to remind him not to get involved with any strangers coming to the door selling things.
God knows what I'm going to do with 13 pairs of oven gloves.
Look, Sue, about your dad I know, I know, we're going to have to make a decision.
It's just checking out those nursing homes I mean, he's still pretty lively, isn't he, he could stay with us for a while yet, couldn't he? Well I mean, our Grandad lived with us when we were little he had the same thing, they just didn't have a name for it then but we managed I dunno, this is really starting to get to me.
I just feel so guilty.
About what? Oh nothing, darling.
It's about the jam on your forehead, isn't it? No.
Come on, get your shoes on and let's get ready to go to school.
I never hear her coming.
No, neither do I.
'22 people are receiving hospital treatment' DOOR SLAMS It's me! Good day? Fine.
'It's not thought that any of the injuries are serious.
' You all right? This is terrible.
What is? There's been three train crashes.
All of them in Kent.
No, Grandad, that's rolling news.
Eh? News 24.
It's when they show the same stories over and over again.
So there's really only been one train crash in Kent, but you've seen it three times.
Ohoh.
I thought it was a bit of a coincidence.
When's Daddy going to be home? Cos I want to show him my picture.
Oh, that's nice.
What is it? This is Satan, and this is Jesus, and this is a zebra.
And this is Satan trying to persuade Jesus to jump off the end Well, that's lovely.
Who told you that story? Miss Braebrook.
And she says that Satan's everywhere.
Not just in hell hurting people.
And Miss Braebrook teaches you RE, does she? No, numeracy.
Well, er McDonalds might be a viable sponsor for our metal detector and um yeah, and in design terms, they they could maybe echo the golden arches.
Yeah.
Yes, absolutely.
OK, yeah bye.
Bye.
Peter.
Let me say first that I was very pleasantly surprised that you're putting yourself forward for this post, because, to be perfectly up-front with you, I wasn't sure if you had enough self-belief to do this.
I actually have quite high levels of self-belief.
Good, that's good.
Now, the last couple of years have been a bit of a learning curve for you, haven't they? We've talked about the dangers of using irony with parents, especially when they are making a complaint.
And work for the Daily Mail but that's all in the past, and the past is the past.
So now, Peter, I want you to give me nine good reasons why you should get this job.
Nine? Yup, off you go, champ.
That's just Miss Braebrook's opinion.
It doesn't necessarily mean she's right.
Are you calling Miss Brabrook a liar? I'm just thinking, even most Christians probably don't believe in a hell where people get hurt.
They're the sort of people that will be going to hell, that's what Miss Braebrook says.
I think you'll find Satan's not real.
But, then if he wasn't alive then how would people know how to draw him? No-one's ever seen Satan.
I've never seen Satan.
He doesn't exist.
Miss Braebrook has.
She said that when she was just getting ready for bed, and she took her tablets and everything, Satan appeared, and he was he was sitting on her on her wardrobe, looking down at her, and Do you think that you could point Miss Braebrook out to me in the playground tomorrow? And, nine I have worked at this school for quite a while now so I know where everything is.
OK OK, thank you for that.
Now, Peter, let me tell you what I'm looking for - commitment.
Your commitment to our raft of rolling initiatives going forward Good, good.
Well, in that case, you see, I've been busy evolving the new school prospectus, and I had asked Mr Bentley to process the statistics for me, but I'm not sure he's presented the figures in the most positive, er formulation, so I was wondering whether you would like to have a crack at it for me, as a way of demonstrating your commitment.
Eh, what exactly wasn't positive enough about Mr Bentley's formulation? Well, eh oh, it's just a little thing but, for instance, in the exam results section, I'm not sure there's any point factoring in Year 9.
I think we're all aware that that particular year is something of a an anomaly.
An anomaly? Yeah, and actually when you come to go through it all in detail you may well find there are a few anomalies that could do with ironing out.
Right.
Karen! What are you doing? I'm having a wee.
Can you try not to pee like a boy again, please! Mum.
Yes.
Grandad's memory's just going to keep getting worse, isn't it? I'm afraid so, yeah.
Do you think he'll get to a stage when he won't be able to remember who we are? Nah He'll always remember us Who could forget us? OK, put your dirty things in the laundry.
I'm not listening to a word you say! Hello Can I write my Christmas list? Well Yeah, I suppose so but, y'know, I've been thinking it might be a good idea not to ask Father Christmas for quite so many presents as last year.
Cos it's heavy for the reindeer.
Well, then how many can I have? Oh, I dunno Four? Four?! Well, you know, baby Jesus only got four, didn't he? The gold, the frankincense, the myrrh and the little lamb Then can I have a little lamb? Do you know, Santa doesn't deliver livestock.
They tend to panic in the chimneys.
We've still got money trouble then? with Santa bringing me my presents? Yes, Jake, how could that have anything to do with Father Christmas and the presents HE brings.
Get a grip, mate.
Hiya! Good day? No I'm shattered.
How was your interview? Well, I'm definitely in with a chance, according to the Head.
Because I am a team player! That's great, isn't it? How was work? Oh, it was fun, yeah.
Tyson took us all out for a fancy lunch.
Spontaneously? Yeah.
That's nice.
What's that? That is a draft school prospectus.
The Head's asked me to "reformulate" bits of it.
Well, why you? Because Alistair Campbell isn't available and Goebbels is dead.
Well, hang on Oh, hi.
How was your game? Are you OK? Ask him! The referee didn't show, they asked if a parent would volunteer and I stepped up to the plate.
And, well, the match wasn't without it's controversial moments and to cut a long story short He sent me off! Yes, I did.
That's right.
He sent off his own son! Well, I couldn't show him any favouritism, that would have weakened my authority.
Oh, Pete.
I'm sorry, Sue, but three times I warned him about diving.
The third time would have made even Ronaldo blush.
He left me no wriggle-room.
My mates all think you're an idiot.
Yes, I know that, they expressed that opinion quite forcibly.
Mind you, they won't be doing that again in a hurry.
Why not? Because he sent them off too! All of them! You sent off the whole team? You can't give in to mass dissent, Sue.
That is the start of the slippery slope.
It's nothing to do with slippery slopes.
You were in a bad mood since the moment you arrived, you stupid pillock! You're stupid! Stupid pillock Y'see? That is the kind of thing I had to put up with.
You sent off an entire team of eight-year-olds.
They have to understand that actions have consequences.
I sent the goalie off twice.
What, little Ashley? For foul language, and then threatening behaviour.
You see, they just copy what they see their favourite star doing on television.
I reckon Ashley is probably a Joey Barton fan.
Anyway, I If anyone's going out, could they get me a bottle of Mackeson's, only I think I need the iron.
Yeah OK, Frank.
PHONE RINGS Hello Oh, hi, Ashley, Ben's upstairs shall I Oh, OK He wants to talk to you.
Hello, Ashley, have you phoned to apologise? No, that is where you are wrong actually, Ashley.
You can get two red cards in the same game.
Pete! Well, then your dad knows the rules about as well as you do.
Pete! Well, you may think I am a rubbish referee.
Ashley, but I don't think you're much cop as a goalkeeper.
Pete! Am I? Well, for the record, Ashley, I think you're a bit of a tosser as well.
PETE! For.
.
You cannot back down in the face of that stuff, Sue, that's where Neville Chamberlain went wrong.
He's not Neville Chamberlain, he's eight.
He's not Chamberlain in that analogy, he's Fascism.
He's eight.
You cannot let them get away with it.
He's eight.
Ashley is Fascism.
He's eight.
Oh, hello.
Is that Strictly Come Dancing? We, we would like to vote for Anton and Kerry please again, yes, thank you very much, thank you, Brucie.
That was Brucie? Yeah, he sends you his very best wishes.
When you dialled it you didn't press green I don't think.
I did.
No, you didn't.
I wouldn't have got Brucie.
Don't put the saucepan in the dishwasher, it won't fit.
I bet I can make it fit.
Can you just take it out and wash it up nicely.
I don't know why you're making such a fuss.
Barbara's children next door have a washing-up rota.
Yeah? Is that right? And they do their own sewing.
Yeah, OK, I don't think comparisons are useful.
How was this lunch of yours, then? Did Tyson take you in his sports car? He's got a sports car, has he? It's a Porsche 911 Turbo.
It's wicked, I've had a ride in it.
Well, Tyson took him for a spin around the block when he dropped that stuff off the other day.
I see.
Doesn't sound very safe does it, our son being whizzed around in a sports car, by a stranger.
Well, it's got seat belts and Tyson's not a stranger.
No, you've known him for all of two weeks.
That car's cool.
Tyson's cool.
Why can't you be cool, Dad? Daddy is cool.
No he isn't.
Yes, he is, he fixed my scooter.
That's not cool.
Cool is when you can go to the arcade while people think you're at school because you put a dummy in there, and also No, cool means those cars that have seats in the boot so that you can look out, and You're talking rubbish.
Well, you're not cool.
You've got hair like a girl.
SHE SCREAMS All right! He splashed me deliberately! My hand slipped.
All right, all right Congratulations, Ben, cos you've now done such a bad job, I'm almost certainly not going to ask you to do it again which is probably part of your evil master plan.
Can I watch telly? Yes, but you'll have to negotiate with Grandad.
Can we watch something? In a minute, when I've finished watching this.
What is it? Er, it's about the sixties.
The Beatles! Oh, yeah, the Beatles.
Who's your favourite Beatle, do you think? Ringo Starr.
Why? He's called Ringo Starr.
Who are they? They're the hippies.
Hippies.
Oh, that's horrible! Hippies being shot.
Yeah That is horrible.
A hippy's been shot.
Cos he tried to stop the war and he got shot.
What a stupid hippy, running up to an army man saying, I am one thousand years old.
No you're not.
I knew all the great people in history.
OK Fine.
What were all the names of King Henry VIII's wives? Yeah, there was a couple of Catherine's, Bertha Big Bottom THEY LAUGH Queen Fatty Knickers Queen Bonkers and Queen Derek.
Oh, that was funny.
Big Henry Yeah, I knew him.
And the way you said it was funny.
Ben only has odd socks, I swear he must eat one of every pair just to wind me up.
Here you go.
Thank you.
Listen, about your dad, I've been thinking if you want him to stay here with us, then that is fine, Nooo, don't say that! Why? myself that you were right.
Yeah, but you got me thinking with that stuff about your Grandad living with you and people did that.
I know, but he's going to need constant supervision and he's going to need a proper routine Oh, we can't both be right that would destroy the universe.
Oh, get a room.
Actually this is a room, that had a door, that was closed.
I didn't realise it was your love-nest.
It's not our love Where's Djibouti? Well, why are you asking us? Is the internet down again? Yeah, where is it? It's in South America.
The south of France.
It's a country, it's not a city.
It's a region, of France.
No it isn't in France, it's It's not in South America is it? I mean Brilliant, how come I get lumbered with the thick parents? DOOR SLAMS Look we don't need to panic about your dad.
We don't need to make a decision now.
Well, I think we have, haven't we? Come on Are you sure? No, but let's do it before I chicken out.
Dad? You know Ashley's Dad, who you were so rude about, to Ashley on the phone? I wasn't rude about him, I was honest.
Well, he's a paratrooper.
Right, yeah No, he is.
Yeah.
He's just come back from fighting the Taliban.
Yeah, well I'll be all right, because thanks to you, he probably thinks I'm a killer.
No, I told Ashley you worked in a cake shop.
A cake shop? Yeah.
Why on earth Don't get involved.
Karen, do you think it's time you ought to be starting bath and bedtime? But, I'm watching Strictly Come Dancing, which I missed last Saturday when you said "Let's go to the Museum".
Karen.
But Grandad was Mummy and I need to have a quick word with Grandad, about grown-up stuff, up you go.
Is it about how to make a baby? No, up you go.
Cos I can tell you that.
Yes, we know that.
You told us yesterday.
In fact you told most of Sainsbury's.
She reminds me of you when you were that age.
Listen, Frank we need to talk to you about your, um accommodation.
Accommodation? You see Dad, the thing is is you have certain needs and requirements, and you will continue to have certain needs and requirements, and increasingly as time goes by The thing is Frank, we're not sure that this house really best meets those requirements, and we were wondering whether, possibly a Residential home of some sort, might be better suited to them.
You're saying I should go into a home.
On balance, Frank, yeah.
Oh, thank God! I have been worrying so much about how I was going to break it to you, I can't live here! There's to much noise and confusion.
I don't know how you two stand it, to be honest.
Mind you, mind you don't get me wrong, your kids are lovely, lovely and sweet, good in Well, Sue's already found one that's quite nice.
Perhaps we could take you to have a look? Is it full of rich, sex-starved old women? Oh, honestly Dad, you're Exclusively.
.
.
a terror.
DOORBELL RINGS Are you sure you're all right with this, Frank? You're not saying this just to let us off the hook, are you? Nah, don't be silly.
It's for the best.
Right.
Oh, Barbara, are you all right? Yeah, I'm fine.
Just having one of those days.
Well, do you want to come in and No, I'm fine.
You know the spare key you've got to our place Yes Well, could you replace it with this one? I've had to have the locks changed.
Oh, right, OK.
Oh, and um if I'm not in, and Martin calls asking to borrow the spare, um could you not give it to him? Just tell him I didn't give you one.
All right.
Thanks.
Yesss!