Portlandia (2011) s02e06 Episode Script
Cat Nap
Hi, guys.
This is our store.
Two girls, two shirts.
Tell them about the shirts.
This one is blue.
The other shirt's gray.
Two girls, two shirts.
The door's unlocked, right? I-I think so.
There's a lot of traffic.
It's in such a great location.
You'd think even by accident, someone would come in here.
One Two Two girls, two shirts.
One Two-two-two Two Two girls, two shirts.
Are we trying to get customers? We don't care.
Ok.
One Two-two-two Two Two shirts.
I have an idea which would be to add more items.
Oh, when I lived in New York, the only stores that had, like, a lot of items were Costco.
I would love to have people in here.
Remind me again-- have you been to New York? I don't remember.
No, I don't think you have.
I think I would know if you had.
How long were you there? Just, like, a handful of years, on and on.
Like, 11 months.
It was, like, 5 years.
It was less than a year.
You called me every day.
Ok.
Two-two-two-two Two shirts.
So excited about all this free time we have.
I know.
It's so much responsibility to have a store.
Next.
Welcome to One Guy, One Vintage Tube Amp.
Next! And there won't be no busy signals 'Cause busy signals don't exist anymore They don't exist anymore Anymore, anymore Not anymore, anymore, ah Ah, forget it.
This is, like Just forget it.
I'm just bummed about-- I know, but-- Last night, no one came to our show.
I know, but, Gil-- And we told everyone about it, and there was stuff online.
We were trying to get everyone out, and there was nothing.
It's like only in our heads, "That was our new album.
" It's like for who? I mean, we're making good music.
I just think the thing is there's too many bands now.
That's the bottom line.
Like, I go to a record store, I haven't heard of half the bands.
We need something that sets us apart.
It bums me out because I feel like we're really good.
I know.
Our songs are good, but we don't have a thing.
We don't have a gimmick.
We could get, like, I don't know.
Like, maybe there's That's like Polyphonic Spree Right.
What if we sing a made-up language? That might be kind of cool.
Sigur Rós.
We could do something where I pretend you're my sister.
Please.
We know who did that.
All right.
I feel like it's all been done.
I don't know.
I just want something that sets us apart from other bands so that when people hear our band, "That's the band with the" Hey, Kevin.
Hey, Kevin.
Hey, little guy.
How you doing today, buddy? Want to be in a band? Actually, that's not an insane idea.
It creeps out in the dark of night Cat claws are the way we walk Meow is the way we talk Whisker patrol, whisker patrol This is where you come in, Kevin Right now on the 1, 2, 3, 4 Where you going, buddy? Come back so we could practice.
Hey, that sounded really--What? Are you hearing yourself? Keep playing.
Keep playing.
Keep playing.
Is that better? Ok, that sounds better.
Ok, turn your chorus pedal on.
Whisker patrol Nice, Kevin.
Whisker patrol Cat scratch fever is the way-- Ha ha.
Nice.
Go, buddy.
Whoo, yes.
Hi, Dad.
I need money for my new music video.
Please click the link to contribute.
Come on and take my hand It feels so fine Runnin' around Hey, everyone.
What's up? I'm Jayde from Jayde Speaks Sevyn, and thanks for watching this.
We're trying to raise money for my next music video, and I'm making that video with the very talented director--Gahvin Quin.
I'm kind of heading in a new direction.
And that's something that Gahvin's incorporating in the video.
And as far as we're concerned, that's never been done before.
Um really excited about-- the prospect of doing this music vi deo.
Um we're trying to raise $25,000, and it'll be worth it because it'll be so cinematic and so beautiful.
We're gonna have a real light built sort of-- that's gonna open up, and there'll be an elevator with an elevator bellman there saying, "Last floor, the sun.
" The lights will dim, but there will be that one lantern, and the lantern will be held by the wise man who knows nothing.
She'll come down on a glass staircase.
When she touches the glass, we'll realize it's made out of ice, so she'll slip on it, but because-- For just a dollar You get a half-price download of half of the song that you'll be able to listen to once.
Then for $100, you'll get a set visit.
We won't be there, but, uh If you've never given to a charity before, I urge you to please contribute.
She's just buzzing around.
She's touched so many books already.
Are we paying her? I think an internship is unpaid.
Who pays her? She gets paid by gaining experience.
I could've used that when I was growing up and going to school.
Really? That would've been great.
What would you have wanted to intern in? Martial arts.
Yeah.
Let's go talk to her.
Hi.
Hey.
Very quickly you've been working.
Oh, thank you so much.
I've just been sort of working to reorganize a little bit of what you have going on here.
It's very hard for us, because we don't know where you're putting things, and we're gonna lose track of where all the books go.
It really won't be that difficult.
All we have to do is sort of take all of these books out on the shelves and rearrange them by the author's last name.
No.
It's much easier.
There's categories, anyway, so Yeah.
Political cartoons, lady artists.
Softball: 1980 to 1989.
The best years.
Queer horror.
If that ends up in here, all these teenagers are gonna come in for their queer horror, and it won't be there for them.
Ok.
Let's say you're a customer.
Ask us where a book is.
Hi.
I'm looking for the book-- How did you get in here? Our doors aren't open yet.
What are you doing here? I have a hard time finding the book that I need because nothing's in alphabetical order.
You're yelling at us.
That's a very aggressive tone, and we don't know if we want you in our store.
Sorry, other customers.
We have a very angry, angry guest.
Please return to your shopping.
I apologize, so I would-- What's that? You want? Oh, it's back there.
Pardon me? Thank you.
Oh, it was made by a friend of mine.
Oh, well, yes.
Can I finish putting these books away first? No.
I'll put those away.
You know, one of the things that I was thinking about for this store would be marketing.
We do plenty of marketing.
We have an ad.
We have a sign out front.
We're here.
Well, what do you think of maybe--I had written down an idea, like, an in-store party? You know, like a mixer.
A mixer? What's a mixer? What are we mixing? Alcohol.
You're mixing people.
We can have a vodka sponsor.
Why vodka? Why not milk? Why not cream? Why not soy milk? Why not tea? Mm-hmm.
You could do those, but vodka's fun.
Vodka's fun? You should meet my brother.
We go to weddings, and, oh, he likes vodka.
It's a lot of fun.
Ok, I'm-- He ended up in a wedding dress before it even started Do you know what that looks like? He made 17 toasts.
Full volume.
He's got a ridiculous haircut.
It's frizzy and straight at the same time.
It looks almost like a clown without make-up.
He wouldn't be coming to the mixer.
If he heard about it, oh, he'd be here.
Remember that Dracula phase he went through? Uh I still have the bites on my neck.
He put in these buck teeth, and he was some kind of nerdy Dracula thing.
Yeah.
He's in bad shape.
So no vodka.
Great.
We did it.
And you can organize it.
Ok.
Let's get a drink.
Right now? Yeah.
It's 1:00.
Someone's happy somewhere.
Let's go.
We'll just leave the front door open.
Whisker patrol, whisker patrol Cat scratch fever is the way we roll Whisker patrol Thank you.
We're Catnap.
Whoo-hoo.
Thanks.
That was amazing.
Kevin, good job tonight.
Oh, my gosh.
Kevin was great.
Good job, buddy.
Hi.
You guys were great tonight.
Thank you for coming.
How'd you get in here? I can't believe I'm meeting you guys.
It's so crazy.
We really appreciate it.
What's next for you guys? 'Cause you guys are really selling out shows and becoming really popular.
More shows.
We want to record in a month or so.
Stay in Portland.
We're gonna put out a full-length album and go on a bunch of tours.
Stick around, touring just around Portland at different bars and stuff? Kevin wants to get out.
Kevin? What are you talking about, Kevin? He's never seen New York.
We want to take it as far as we can.
I think you guys are gonna stay here because you're my band and you're not going anywhere.
You don't think we should go on tour? Ok.
Maybe we won't.
I followed other bands in the past, and they've gone mainstream and left me here alone and We really appreciate you coming, and we got a lot of stuff to do.
I got to take down my equipment and so does Gil, so Don't you get what's gonna happen? You guys are gonna be this huge band that everyone knows about, and all stupid college jocks and bimbos are gonna like your music.
Our music's more tailor-made than that.
It's specific.
It's for a niche audience.
Don't engage her.
What do you mean, don't engage her? I can hear you.
I used to watch Pink play on a little crappy wooden plank outside of a gas station.
It was just her and her guitar.
I was the only one out there.
She had long hair.
Who, Pink? Yeah.
That's how you know her.
I know her as her real name.
Which is? Ok? Barbara.
Barbara.
Barbara Jean.
By the way, I'm Gathy.
Cathy, nice to meet you.
It's Gathy with a "g.
" We're sorry for your loss.
Seems like you have a lot going on.
You guys are going with me, and so is Kevin.
Watch this.
Whoa.
Yeah, now hi, right? Do you know how to use that thing? Uh, yeah.
Look.
Oh, shit.
It's loaded.
Kevin, call 9-1-1.
Kevin, don't call 9-1-1.
You get back up there.
Someone smart.
Sorry, Kevin.
You're gonna stay in Portland, and you're gonna play here, and you're not gonna leave me.
Do you understand, Kevin? Leave him alone.
I'm not gonna have another Pink situation.
Do you understand? I am not gonna have another Barbara leave me.
So you guys are gonna get in my van right now.
Do you hear me? Your van? My van! Kevin.
What's he doing? What's he trying to get out of that box? Nothing.
He's doing the merch.
Let's go.
Just do it.
Walk together.
Let's go.
Go, get in my van.
Go.
Don't shoot us.
Kevin? Yeah.
My van! My van! My van! So what are you gonna get done? I think I'm just gonna keep it the same pretty much.
Just, like, a little something.
Hey, I like your necklace.
That's really cool.
Thanks.
Where'd you get it? My sister made it.
She made it? Yeah.
Wasn't she working at an event-planning place or something? Yeah, like, 3 years ago.
Then she was delivering groceries to the elderly.
And then she was, like, landscaping.
But she finally figured out what she wanted to do.
What's that? She's making jewelry now She's got her own website She crafts each piece by hand and On the dining room table at night and-- Wasn't your sister going to massage school for a while? I don't know.
I thought she'd do something in politics.
She was always really into Kucinich, remember? Yeah.
Yeah, she was so into it, but She's making jewelry now After she had her kids, she kind of didn't want to go back to having a job.
We're so happy 'cause she's not floundering around anymore.
Yeah? What's she doing again? She's making jewelry now She's got her life on track We don't have to worry now 'Cause she got that arty spirit back and She's making jewelry now So how much does something like a necklace cost? Anywhere from $80 to $200.
Really? I mean, yeah.
I been trying to figure out what to do next.
I have that little workspace.
You know what I should do? What? He's making jewelry now He's got his life on track He's making jewelry now She's making jewelry now We're making jewelry-- "Hi.
Sorry to inform you I've been waiting for 6 weeks for my couple of necklaces.
Where are they?" I have no idea.
What time does the post office close? Maybe I should just apply to grad school.
Smooth Moovers.
- Come on in.
- Hi.
How are you? There's about 5 rooms in the house.
2 bathrooms.
The majority of the work is pretty much done.
You have the keys to the new place and everything? You're all set to go? Oh, yeah.
Everything is ready.
Ready to get out of here.
Ok, perfect.
Good.
You got everything all set.
All right, great.
So you guys pull your truck up front and we can get started.
We're right there.
Yep.
We got a great spot.
We do everything by bicycle.
- You're bike movers.
- Yeah.
It's the same as a car.
It's actually more efficient.
And in some ways, much faster.
And it's environmentally friendly.
Smooth Moovers.
See? So The 2 "o"s-- that's the bicycles.
Right.
Yeah.
That one's an upside-down one, but that's like if we were to expand and go around the world, they'd be bicycles on the other side of the world.
If we were moving in Australia.
Southern hemisphere.
Yeah, I didn't get that over the phone.
We can go right through red lights.
It's, like, much, much faster.
You go through red lights with people's stuff? Mm-hmm.
And you're gonna-- couch, everything goes? There's a big bookshelf right behind you.
You want that moved? Yeah.
I need everything moved from this place to the place I'm moving.
Ok.
So the bigger stuff, too.
The chair.
Yes.
I'm gonna go do some work upstairs.
Ok, before you go Just write down 51.
Ok.
Oh, ok.
54, all right.
You know there's more stuff in the house, right? Of course.
Room by room.
Bye, Jamie.
See you soon.
All right, let's do this.
Left, left, left, left.
Aah! Ok, we'll just put it right back on again.
No, we're fine.
How's it going? This is not easy, right? You do know how to put those back together, right? Yeah.
I have a photographic memory, so I can, like, look at it and take a snapshot.
Except I probably should've done it before I cut some of these wires.
That's fine.
So you'll be done today, right? I think so, yeah.
Today or tomorrow.
Wednesday, Thursday.
How does the math work out? How much are we making per hour? Um--It is fun, right? Only this hour, like, not our work hours.
Yeah.
Like, this is like a lunch break.
This is like, "Oh, we're touring Portland.
" Then we're making a little more money.
Right.
We're getting pretty good at this.
Lean with me.
I think as long as we don't hit any bumps, this is gonna be secure.
Yeah.
I think something fell.
I couldn't have been from us, right? I don't think so.
I feel like it's taking kind of a long time.
I think we're gonna be fine.
I would not worry.
I had to pay another month's rent here.
I have a mortgage at the new place.
That's the thing.
We have a system.
Once this is loaded up, we go.
Then the trick we do is we come right back.
I think, eventually, we'll get it done.
Hey, how much for the telegraph? Hold on.
Jamie, someone's here for your garage sale.
Yeah, I'm not having a garage sale.
Oh, no? All right.
That's it.
Last load.
Here we go.
Ok, let's see if she's in.
Whoo-hoo.
Ok, great.
And we'll start-- Hey, I don't live there! What? Wait, is that her? I live over here! I live at 4715! Ok.
We'll be right over.
Are you kidding me with this? We'll give you $2.
00 off.
What is she doing in there? She's cooking or something.
It smells so gross.
Sorry.
Hey, little guy.
One of these days, we're gonna get out of here and go on tour again.
Almonds, putting almonds on green beans This is not what I imagined when I imagined us getting in a band.
I got to say, you guys have a real bad attitude.
You're right.
Tell you what-- you should let us go, I think.
And I'll tell you why.
I'll tell you why I won't.
Why? It's been a dream come true.
Having you guys live with me and sing to me in the morning.
Come on, you guys are-- Right? Yeah.
It's been a lot of fun.
You guys want to see an impression? This is my impression of someone with an STD.
- What happened? - It's really accurate.
It's, like, an ice-breaker.
Please let us go.
Kevin hasn't been outside in forever.
All right, listen, are you hungry? Yes.
All right.
I made these last night when I was on the toilet.
What--? One time.
One sitting.
I don't like to read on the toilet 'cause it makes me nauseous.
You don't like to read on the toilet 'cause it makes you nauseous? Makes me seasick.
What am I gonna do, just sit there? Who just sits there? Many people sit there.
I don't think so.
I do think so.
Sorry.
You got a smart mouth on you, let me tell you.
I don't know who we are anymore.
We're not a band.
We're just a guy, a girl, a cat, and a kidnapper.
Wait.
What did you just say? We're a guy, a girl, a cat, and a kidnapper.
I have an idea.
Gathy? Yeah? We're catnapped I'm Gil.
I'm Meryl.
That's Kevin.
On gun, that's Gathy.
Whisker patrol, whisker patrol Cat scratch fever This reviewer couldn't discern exactly what was happening that night.
He just knows it transcends music on literally every single level.
Whisker patrol, whisker patrol Hey, you guys? Uh, this band, Catnapped? Everything that can be said in music has now been said.
I think we're done.
We can shut the site down.
We did it.
Good job, everybody.
Shut down your computers.
Shut down the site.
Come on and take my hand There's gonna be a bumblebee and a grasshopper, and the grasshopper's gonna be driving through a, uh, underground tunnel, and he'll be stopped by the grasshopper police, who will have these uniforms, and they'll say, "Do you have your pass to get through?" And the grasshopper will suddenly become, as in nature, a beautiful butterfly.
Come on
This is our store.
Two girls, two shirts.
Tell them about the shirts.
This one is blue.
The other shirt's gray.
Two girls, two shirts.
The door's unlocked, right? I-I think so.
There's a lot of traffic.
It's in such a great location.
You'd think even by accident, someone would come in here.
One Two Two girls, two shirts.
One Two-two-two Two Two girls, two shirts.
Are we trying to get customers? We don't care.
Ok.
One Two-two-two Two Two shirts.
I have an idea which would be to add more items.
Oh, when I lived in New York, the only stores that had, like, a lot of items were Costco.
I would love to have people in here.
Remind me again-- have you been to New York? I don't remember.
No, I don't think you have.
I think I would know if you had.
How long were you there? Just, like, a handful of years, on and on.
Like, 11 months.
It was, like, 5 years.
It was less than a year.
You called me every day.
Ok.
Two-two-two-two Two shirts.
So excited about all this free time we have.
I know.
It's so much responsibility to have a store.
Next.
Welcome to One Guy, One Vintage Tube Amp.
Next! And there won't be no busy signals 'Cause busy signals don't exist anymore They don't exist anymore Anymore, anymore Not anymore, anymore, ah Ah, forget it.
This is, like Just forget it.
I'm just bummed about-- I know, but-- Last night, no one came to our show.
I know, but, Gil-- And we told everyone about it, and there was stuff online.
We were trying to get everyone out, and there was nothing.
It's like only in our heads, "That was our new album.
" It's like for who? I mean, we're making good music.
I just think the thing is there's too many bands now.
That's the bottom line.
Like, I go to a record store, I haven't heard of half the bands.
We need something that sets us apart.
It bums me out because I feel like we're really good.
I know.
Our songs are good, but we don't have a thing.
We don't have a gimmick.
We could get, like, I don't know.
Like, maybe there's That's like Polyphonic Spree Right.
What if we sing a made-up language? That might be kind of cool.
Sigur Rós.
We could do something where I pretend you're my sister.
Please.
We know who did that.
All right.
I feel like it's all been done.
I don't know.
I just want something that sets us apart from other bands so that when people hear our band, "That's the band with the" Hey, Kevin.
Hey, Kevin.
Hey, little guy.
How you doing today, buddy? Want to be in a band? Actually, that's not an insane idea.
It creeps out in the dark of night Cat claws are the way we walk Meow is the way we talk Whisker patrol, whisker patrol This is where you come in, Kevin Right now on the 1, 2, 3, 4 Where you going, buddy? Come back so we could practice.
Hey, that sounded really--What? Are you hearing yourself? Keep playing.
Keep playing.
Keep playing.
Is that better? Ok, that sounds better.
Ok, turn your chorus pedal on.
Whisker patrol Nice, Kevin.
Whisker patrol Cat scratch fever is the way-- Ha ha.
Nice.
Go, buddy.
Whoo, yes.
Hi, Dad.
I need money for my new music video.
Please click the link to contribute.
Come on and take my hand It feels so fine Runnin' around Hey, everyone.
What's up? I'm Jayde from Jayde Speaks Sevyn, and thanks for watching this.
We're trying to raise money for my next music video, and I'm making that video with the very talented director--Gahvin Quin.
I'm kind of heading in a new direction.
And that's something that Gahvin's incorporating in the video.
And as far as we're concerned, that's never been done before.
Um really excited about-- the prospect of doing this music vi deo.
Um we're trying to raise $25,000, and it'll be worth it because it'll be so cinematic and so beautiful.
We're gonna have a real light built sort of-- that's gonna open up, and there'll be an elevator with an elevator bellman there saying, "Last floor, the sun.
" The lights will dim, but there will be that one lantern, and the lantern will be held by the wise man who knows nothing.
She'll come down on a glass staircase.
When she touches the glass, we'll realize it's made out of ice, so she'll slip on it, but because-- For just a dollar You get a half-price download of half of the song that you'll be able to listen to once.
Then for $100, you'll get a set visit.
We won't be there, but, uh If you've never given to a charity before, I urge you to please contribute.
She's just buzzing around.
She's touched so many books already.
Are we paying her? I think an internship is unpaid.
Who pays her? She gets paid by gaining experience.
I could've used that when I was growing up and going to school.
Really? That would've been great.
What would you have wanted to intern in? Martial arts.
Yeah.
Let's go talk to her.
Hi.
Hey.
Very quickly you've been working.
Oh, thank you so much.
I've just been sort of working to reorganize a little bit of what you have going on here.
It's very hard for us, because we don't know where you're putting things, and we're gonna lose track of where all the books go.
It really won't be that difficult.
All we have to do is sort of take all of these books out on the shelves and rearrange them by the author's last name.
No.
It's much easier.
There's categories, anyway, so Yeah.
Political cartoons, lady artists.
Softball: 1980 to 1989.
The best years.
Queer horror.
If that ends up in here, all these teenagers are gonna come in for their queer horror, and it won't be there for them.
Ok.
Let's say you're a customer.
Ask us where a book is.
Hi.
I'm looking for the book-- How did you get in here? Our doors aren't open yet.
What are you doing here? I have a hard time finding the book that I need because nothing's in alphabetical order.
You're yelling at us.
That's a very aggressive tone, and we don't know if we want you in our store.
Sorry, other customers.
We have a very angry, angry guest.
Please return to your shopping.
I apologize, so I would-- What's that? You want? Oh, it's back there.
Pardon me? Thank you.
Oh, it was made by a friend of mine.
Oh, well, yes.
Can I finish putting these books away first? No.
I'll put those away.
You know, one of the things that I was thinking about for this store would be marketing.
We do plenty of marketing.
We have an ad.
We have a sign out front.
We're here.
Well, what do you think of maybe--I had written down an idea, like, an in-store party? You know, like a mixer.
A mixer? What's a mixer? What are we mixing? Alcohol.
You're mixing people.
We can have a vodka sponsor.
Why vodka? Why not milk? Why not cream? Why not soy milk? Why not tea? Mm-hmm.
You could do those, but vodka's fun.
Vodka's fun? You should meet my brother.
We go to weddings, and, oh, he likes vodka.
It's a lot of fun.
Ok, I'm-- He ended up in a wedding dress before it even started Do you know what that looks like? He made 17 toasts.
Full volume.
He's got a ridiculous haircut.
It's frizzy and straight at the same time.
It looks almost like a clown without make-up.
He wouldn't be coming to the mixer.
If he heard about it, oh, he'd be here.
Remember that Dracula phase he went through? Uh I still have the bites on my neck.
He put in these buck teeth, and he was some kind of nerdy Dracula thing.
Yeah.
He's in bad shape.
So no vodka.
Great.
We did it.
And you can organize it.
Ok.
Let's get a drink.
Right now? Yeah.
It's 1:00.
Someone's happy somewhere.
Let's go.
We'll just leave the front door open.
Whisker patrol, whisker patrol Cat scratch fever is the way we roll Whisker patrol Thank you.
We're Catnap.
Whoo-hoo.
Thanks.
That was amazing.
Kevin, good job tonight.
Oh, my gosh.
Kevin was great.
Good job, buddy.
Hi.
You guys were great tonight.
Thank you for coming.
How'd you get in here? I can't believe I'm meeting you guys.
It's so crazy.
We really appreciate it.
What's next for you guys? 'Cause you guys are really selling out shows and becoming really popular.
More shows.
We want to record in a month or so.
Stay in Portland.
We're gonna put out a full-length album and go on a bunch of tours.
Stick around, touring just around Portland at different bars and stuff? Kevin wants to get out.
Kevin? What are you talking about, Kevin? He's never seen New York.
We want to take it as far as we can.
I think you guys are gonna stay here because you're my band and you're not going anywhere.
You don't think we should go on tour? Ok.
Maybe we won't.
I followed other bands in the past, and they've gone mainstream and left me here alone and We really appreciate you coming, and we got a lot of stuff to do.
I got to take down my equipment and so does Gil, so Don't you get what's gonna happen? You guys are gonna be this huge band that everyone knows about, and all stupid college jocks and bimbos are gonna like your music.
Our music's more tailor-made than that.
It's specific.
It's for a niche audience.
Don't engage her.
What do you mean, don't engage her? I can hear you.
I used to watch Pink play on a little crappy wooden plank outside of a gas station.
It was just her and her guitar.
I was the only one out there.
She had long hair.
Who, Pink? Yeah.
That's how you know her.
I know her as her real name.
Which is? Ok? Barbara.
Barbara.
Barbara Jean.
By the way, I'm Gathy.
Cathy, nice to meet you.
It's Gathy with a "g.
" We're sorry for your loss.
Seems like you have a lot going on.
You guys are going with me, and so is Kevin.
Watch this.
Whoa.
Yeah, now hi, right? Do you know how to use that thing? Uh, yeah.
Look.
Oh, shit.
It's loaded.
Kevin, call 9-1-1.
Kevin, don't call 9-1-1.
You get back up there.
Someone smart.
Sorry, Kevin.
You're gonna stay in Portland, and you're gonna play here, and you're not gonna leave me.
Do you understand, Kevin? Leave him alone.
I'm not gonna have another Pink situation.
Do you understand? I am not gonna have another Barbara leave me.
So you guys are gonna get in my van right now.
Do you hear me? Your van? My van! Kevin.
What's he doing? What's he trying to get out of that box? Nothing.
He's doing the merch.
Let's go.
Just do it.
Walk together.
Let's go.
Go, get in my van.
Go.
Don't shoot us.
Kevin? Yeah.
My van! My van! My van! So what are you gonna get done? I think I'm just gonna keep it the same pretty much.
Just, like, a little something.
Hey, I like your necklace.
That's really cool.
Thanks.
Where'd you get it? My sister made it.
She made it? Yeah.
Wasn't she working at an event-planning place or something? Yeah, like, 3 years ago.
Then she was delivering groceries to the elderly.
And then she was, like, landscaping.
But she finally figured out what she wanted to do.
What's that? She's making jewelry now She's got her own website She crafts each piece by hand and On the dining room table at night and-- Wasn't your sister going to massage school for a while? I don't know.
I thought she'd do something in politics.
She was always really into Kucinich, remember? Yeah.
Yeah, she was so into it, but She's making jewelry now After she had her kids, she kind of didn't want to go back to having a job.
We're so happy 'cause she's not floundering around anymore.
Yeah? What's she doing again? She's making jewelry now She's got her life on track We don't have to worry now 'Cause she got that arty spirit back and She's making jewelry now So how much does something like a necklace cost? Anywhere from $80 to $200.
Really? I mean, yeah.
I been trying to figure out what to do next.
I have that little workspace.
You know what I should do? What? He's making jewelry now He's got his life on track He's making jewelry now She's making jewelry now We're making jewelry-- "Hi.
Sorry to inform you I've been waiting for 6 weeks for my couple of necklaces.
Where are they?" I have no idea.
What time does the post office close? Maybe I should just apply to grad school.
Smooth Moovers.
- Come on in.
- Hi.
How are you? There's about 5 rooms in the house.
2 bathrooms.
The majority of the work is pretty much done.
You have the keys to the new place and everything? You're all set to go? Oh, yeah.
Everything is ready.
Ready to get out of here.
Ok, perfect.
Good.
You got everything all set.
All right, great.
So you guys pull your truck up front and we can get started.
We're right there.
Yep.
We got a great spot.
We do everything by bicycle.
- You're bike movers.
- Yeah.
It's the same as a car.
It's actually more efficient.
And in some ways, much faster.
And it's environmentally friendly.
Smooth Moovers.
See? So The 2 "o"s-- that's the bicycles.
Right.
Yeah.
That one's an upside-down one, but that's like if we were to expand and go around the world, they'd be bicycles on the other side of the world.
If we were moving in Australia.
Southern hemisphere.
Yeah, I didn't get that over the phone.
We can go right through red lights.
It's, like, much, much faster.
You go through red lights with people's stuff? Mm-hmm.
And you're gonna-- couch, everything goes? There's a big bookshelf right behind you.
You want that moved? Yeah.
I need everything moved from this place to the place I'm moving.
Ok.
So the bigger stuff, too.
The chair.
Yes.
I'm gonna go do some work upstairs.
Ok, before you go Just write down 51.
Ok.
Oh, ok.
54, all right.
You know there's more stuff in the house, right? Of course.
Room by room.
Bye, Jamie.
See you soon.
All right, let's do this.
Left, left, left, left.
Aah! Ok, we'll just put it right back on again.
No, we're fine.
How's it going? This is not easy, right? You do know how to put those back together, right? Yeah.
I have a photographic memory, so I can, like, look at it and take a snapshot.
Except I probably should've done it before I cut some of these wires.
That's fine.
So you'll be done today, right? I think so, yeah.
Today or tomorrow.
Wednesday, Thursday.
How does the math work out? How much are we making per hour? Um--It is fun, right? Only this hour, like, not our work hours.
Yeah.
Like, this is like a lunch break.
This is like, "Oh, we're touring Portland.
" Then we're making a little more money.
Right.
We're getting pretty good at this.
Lean with me.
I think as long as we don't hit any bumps, this is gonna be secure.
Yeah.
I think something fell.
I couldn't have been from us, right? I don't think so.
I feel like it's taking kind of a long time.
I think we're gonna be fine.
I would not worry.
I had to pay another month's rent here.
I have a mortgage at the new place.
That's the thing.
We have a system.
Once this is loaded up, we go.
Then the trick we do is we come right back.
I think, eventually, we'll get it done.
Hey, how much for the telegraph? Hold on.
Jamie, someone's here for your garage sale.
Yeah, I'm not having a garage sale.
Oh, no? All right.
That's it.
Last load.
Here we go.
Ok, let's see if she's in.
Whoo-hoo.
Ok, great.
And we'll start-- Hey, I don't live there! What? Wait, is that her? I live over here! I live at 4715! Ok.
We'll be right over.
Are you kidding me with this? We'll give you $2.
00 off.
What is she doing in there? She's cooking or something.
It smells so gross.
Sorry.
Hey, little guy.
One of these days, we're gonna get out of here and go on tour again.
Almonds, putting almonds on green beans This is not what I imagined when I imagined us getting in a band.
I got to say, you guys have a real bad attitude.
You're right.
Tell you what-- you should let us go, I think.
And I'll tell you why.
I'll tell you why I won't.
Why? It's been a dream come true.
Having you guys live with me and sing to me in the morning.
Come on, you guys are-- Right? Yeah.
It's been a lot of fun.
You guys want to see an impression? This is my impression of someone with an STD.
- What happened? - It's really accurate.
It's, like, an ice-breaker.
Please let us go.
Kevin hasn't been outside in forever.
All right, listen, are you hungry? Yes.
All right.
I made these last night when I was on the toilet.
What--? One time.
One sitting.
I don't like to read on the toilet 'cause it makes me nauseous.
You don't like to read on the toilet 'cause it makes you nauseous? Makes me seasick.
What am I gonna do, just sit there? Who just sits there? Many people sit there.
I don't think so.
I do think so.
Sorry.
You got a smart mouth on you, let me tell you.
I don't know who we are anymore.
We're not a band.
We're just a guy, a girl, a cat, and a kidnapper.
Wait.
What did you just say? We're a guy, a girl, a cat, and a kidnapper.
I have an idea.
Gathy? Yeah? We're catnapped I'm Gil.
I'm Meryl.
That's Kevin.
On gun, that's Gathy.
Whisker patrol, whisker patrol Cat scratch fever This reviewer couldn't discern exactly what was happening that night.
He just knows it transcends music on literally every single level.
Whisker patrol, whisker patrol Hey, you guys? Uh, this band, Catnapped? Everything that can be said in music has now been said.
I think we're done.
We can shut the site down.
We did it.
Good job, everybody.
Shut down your computers.
Shut down the site.
Come on and take my hand There's gonna be a bumblebee and a grasshopper, and the grasshopper's gonna be driving through a, uh, underground tunnel, and he'll be stopped by the grasshopper police, who will have these uniforms, and they'll say, "Do you have your pass to get through?" And the grasshopper will suddenly become, as in nature, a beautiful butterfly.
Come on