Reno 911! (2003) s02e06 Episode Script

( jones ) is he about ready ? Yeah ? Hey, we're out here Testing our new high-tech bulletproof vest.
This vest, as the kids would say, is the shiznit.
Uh, junior will do the honors here.
Ready ? Clear ! Aah ! Aw, shit.
Shit.
Whoo ! Come here ! ( tires screeching ) Oh Ah ! Whoa ! ( growling ) ( sirens blaring ) ( siren wailing ) ( dangle ) I don't know if you know, but the mexican gentleman Who used to touch and hug the mannequins over at walmart Uh Died in cell number 4 last night.
What ? Yeah.
Mauricio.
Yeah.
I thought someone had fish.
No, no.
Yeah.
They think either nick the grip got him, Or it was autoerotic or something.
Oh, hey, quick update-- How many tickets to the policemen's ball Have people been selling ? ( williams ) zero.
Zero.
Either we're gonna really kick in And really try and sell some tickets, Or we're never going to have a fucking popcorn machine.
We're not moving them, sir, 'cause you know why ? ( williams ) "firemen's pancake dinner.
"Saturday, June 1, Tickets, $25.
$35 at the door.
" That's the same night as ours.
Why would they do that ? Why would they do that, unless out of spite ? It's the exact same night.
It's classic fireman bullshit.
Who eats pancakes for dinner ? I do sometimes.
Pancakes and dinner is, first off, an anachronism.
You can't have a dog around pancakes, That's not safe.
I was down on virginia street, And they had a wall That was just like five on top of each other All the way down the block.
It was just like-- it was like, "boom !" We'll go talk to them.
You mean you're gonna go talk to them, Or you mean you're gonna go "talk" to them ? We'll see how it goes, play it by ear.
They're trying to put out our fire of enjoyment On a night that we deserve For all the things that we do to help this community.
Flames don't jump at you At the speed a bullet comes at you.
Let's put it that way.
So who's more important in the community ? You decide.
And after you put out the fire, The fire don't go hire a lawyer and sue you.
Nobody talks about the fire's rights to be a fire.
Have you ever heard of a drive-by fire ? Nope.
No, you haven't.
Heroes, my ass.
Bastards.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, what's going on ? ( slurring ) I didn't do nothin' ! All right, whoa.
I'm doing nothin' wrong-- nothin' wrong.
Where's your clothes, sir ? Ain't no law that says a man has to wear pants.
Yes, there is, sir.
There is no law against a man not wearing pants.
( jones ) there are laws, sir, you cannot wear-- It was not explained to me.
It was not explained to me.
Don't ask, don't tell, don't do it.
Put on-- you put on your pants ! You put on your pants !! Sir, I have pants on.
You put on another pair of pants !! You put on two pair of pants !! What's that stuff on your nose ? I'm baking a cake.
You're baking a cake ? It's my mother's birthday, and I'm baking her a cake.
You sure that's not drugs, sir ? Ain't no law against drugs.
I know my rules.
I know my rules.
You give me three phone calls and two meals.
I get a last meal before you go.
Do I think the firemen moved their pancake dinner To the same night as the policemen's ball To spite us ? Is the pope friends with mel gibson ? Yes, they did it to spite us.
They're jealous.
Firemen are jealous of us cops.
Look at their day.
Look at their day.
They work out.
They wash things.
They watch porn.
They work out again.
They watch more porn.
They polish poles.
Then they have a big ol' steak dinner.
They're jealous of us.
They're jealous of us.
( dangle ) sheriff's department ! ( man ) hey ! Hey Yeah.
How's it going ? Good.
Reno's finest.
Ha ha ! Ha ha ! You meant us, right ? You meant us ? Right, good.
Hey, look, we came about-- We saw your posters for your pancake dinner.
It seems like there's been some kind of mix-up.
It's the same night as our policemen's ball.
Wow, that'll be fun ! No, see, the thing is, You booked the upstairs of the v.
F.
W.
There.
Yeah, it's a great space.
Yeah, the casablanca room.
We're down in room "b" at the same time, same night.
Oh, wow, you guys should come up.
You like pancakes ? Who's the ranking officer here ? That's your man, here's the boss.
Hey, stop it.
Let's take a walk for a second.
We can't move the tickets 'cause of your little affair that you're having here-- This cockamamie pancake dinner.
Hey It's a charity.
It's for charity ? Oh-- oh, pancake dinner for charity then.
I'd like to move it, but we can't, Because there's kids here.
You're talking crutches, you're talking kids without legs.
Which kind of foils your argument, Because you have to go get them, obviously.
They're not renting limos And coming to your pancake dinner, I don't think.
So you go get them anytime.
They're cripples, right ? Well, merv griffin, god bless him-- He's donated 15 limousines.
So we're gonna just pack 'em You actually are picking up crippled children in limousines For your dinner ? Yeah.
Um, you wanna talk about 'em ? The panty hose ? Yeah.
My legs get cold.
Cool.
I'm asking you nice, come on, man.
You've played every card on me.
You played the, "oh, it's for charity.
" Ours is for charity, too.
The charity just happens to be us, okay ? What are we doing ? Winner moves their dinner ? Cross the line.
Cross the line, you move your dinner.
It's not fair, you're not in panty hose.
One, two, three.
There he goes.
Ah, shit ! Okay, you're gonna pull something.
Forget it.
Let's go.
Hey, uh, I had an awesome idea For the policemen's ball.
You ready ? Is your seat belt buckled ? Yes, it is.
I already know, I don't even have to look.
You ready ? Here's what it is.
You and me Get one of the-- big hummer limo.
You and me-- hummer time-- And we go And we party, And we got a whole bunch of bud and bud light, Fill up, and then we cruise over, And we raise the roof a little bit.
A couple of wildcats in there, you know.
Just us in a hummer, And we then we go to the policemen's ball.
As tempting as that sounds, sir, I've already made plans.
I've already made plans, lieutenant, with williams.
You don't want to do you and me in a hummer ? Come on, you and me.
Well, you make a lot more money than I do.
Hummer time.
Okay Okay, yeah ? No.
No, not okay.
I'm just saying, don't hit me anymore.
Oh.
( cheering ) How y'all doin' ? You ever meet a real-life deputy sheriff before ? So who here wants to be a cop when they grow up, huh ? Which one of you guys Or girl ? Uhh, I've got something.
Who wants to see my thumb infection ? No, no.
Oh my god, it's the fire department ! How you doing, guys ? How's it going ? Good to see you.
Good to see you.
Sally ! Tommy, high-five ! We got some time off, we decided to come down here.
( wiegel ) good ! I'm glad ! This is great all of us could be here.
You guys came here on your time off ? Well, we were upstairs giving some blood.
When we're not fighting crime, We're in here fightin' frowns With these fellas.
Yeah, shoot those frowns off of your face.
( imitates gunshot ) Right in the face ! Blow it out.
Blow it out.
That's so much better than last week.
You're getting stronger every week.
Here, take a shot at me, this thing will stop it.
Hey, yeah.
Who likes pancakes ? Ooh, we do ! We love pancakes.
We're having a pancake dinner.
They're not just for breakfast.
No, they're not, but we're charging a hug.
Who's got a hug ? You got a hug, all right, there's one for you.
Well, we should go.
There's a certain amount of too much fun That we can bestow.
We don't want your aneurysms to-- you know.
All right, what we have here Is a direct violation of a court order.
He was given 14 days to take this shit down, And he has not taken this shit down.
Today's day 15.
Look at all that crap.
Middle of summer, he's got all this garbage up.
Sheriff's department ! Sheriff's department ! Hey, you don't have to beat my door down.
You're not dealing with-- Out, out.
Put your hand in-- .
Put your hand in the nutcracker, motherfucker.
Okay, this is what happens When you fuck with the reno city council, Do you understand me ? This is what happens, you get nutcracked.
You're lucky it's your hand.
Next, it's your nuts, you understand me ? Do you understand me ? Do you understand me ?! I had a very cumbersome year-- a very cumbersome year-- And each one of these decorations Represents a moment in my life That was very cumbersome this year, all right ? Crack him.
All right ! All right ! Say "cumbersome" one more time, motherfucker.
Say "cumbersome" one more time to me.
Cumbersome.
( screaming ) Stop lying ! And do not fuck with the city council ! I just told you, I just told you.
Why must you fuck with them, andrew ? 'cause I got nothing better to do.
There you got it.
I feel like that's the very first honesty We've ever gotten out of this man.
What's your problem, andrew ? We are out here every damn couple of weeks.
That's just it.
You come, and you charge me with something.
Maybe you throw me in, Maybe destroy something of my property, And then we just leave, and we don't talk.
We don't say things.
We don't say, "hey, what's going on with you ?" Just, "andrew, you did this again !" Maybe that's our fault.
It's crazy.
You just had my hand in a nutcracker ! We haven't made enough-- We haven't been open to you as a non-perpetrator, As just a person.
I respect you gotta do your job, all right ? I'm not currently employed, So my job is to sort of mix the things up.
We don't need anybody in reno to mix the things up.
We don't.
You made the wrong choice.
That's why you're in traffic school.
Rolling stop, d.
U.
I.
-- Whatever you did, it was wrong.
Today you can make the right choice.
You can either sit here for eight hours, Take this traffic school course, Or you can buy a ticket to the policemen's ball.
Huh ? Huh ? Hmm ? I think I'd rather take the class.
( chuckles ) Hey, boys.
How you doing ? Good.
Great.
Yeah ? Nicely done.
Oh ! The boot.
Oh, wow.
Look what happened.
You got us this time, guys, very good, good job.
Nicely done, one for you, So let's go ahead and take the boot off.
Aw, man, uh You got the key ? I don't have a key.
I don't have a key there, fellas.
Okay, mustache, what's it gonna take to lose the boot ? Maybe if a certain pancake party Was moved to a certain Different day Then maybe we could Just take the boot off, come on.
This is not protecting or serving anyone.
( alarm ringing ) Guys, we've gotta go, let's go.
Lose the boot, seriously, let's go.
Uh Yeah.
You have the key, right ? No, you have the key.
You didn't give the key to me, you have the key.
Girls, girls, let's go, the boot ! I'll be back in five minutes.
I can get the key, it'll take five minutes.
You know what ? Fire doesn't wait five minutes.
Let's go on foot ! Let's go ! You're reno's pride ! You're reno's pride ! Let's go ! Let's go ! We're fuckin' pathetic.
Nice joke.
We're regular jay lenos.
We're gonna have a great time at our party Even if, worst-case scenario, only 300 people show up.
We're still gonna have an amazing time at our party.
You know why ? 'cause I've been practicing my dance moves.
♪ chicken lickin' chicken lickin' ♪ ♪ mashed potaters mashed potaters ♪ I don't think that's what's-- I don't know.
( helicopter blades whirring ) ( sirens wailing ) ( johnson ) jones ! What's going on ? It's a hostage situation.
I don't know what this fella's up to, But he's getting real nervous, And we're gonna have to talk to him.
Maybe you should give it a shot.
Okay.
( wiegel ) hold on there, sir ! Hold on ! Sir ! Hold it right there, sir ! Hey, hey, hey.
Hold it right there, sir.
We have to get to this very important place.
What place ? An important, important meeting.
Are you on anything tonight ? Did you take any drugs ? Did you drink any alcohol ? A little bit of ecstasy.
A little bit of ecstasy.
Why don't you hand those to me ? Can I see those ? This is not mine.
I cannot give-- this is not mine.
This is my grandfather's-- his special medication.
See ? Little and tiny and orange, cancer No more.
Let's not take any more of those.
I'm sorry, he's got-- Get the cuffs on him.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey ! Hey, hey, hey ! Hey, hey, hey ! Hey, hey ! Freeze ! Freeze ! No, no, no, no, no, no ! Stop ! Stop ! ( singing indistinctly ) That's not important now.
There you go.
Okay, that's not-- thank you.
I see you're not a stranger to these, huh ? ♪ in the biggest little city in the world ♪ ♪ we dance in the biggest little city in the world ♪ ( jones ) get your crazy ass up in the car.
Hey ! Take me away, spaceship ! ( johnson ) we'll see you at the station.
( junior ) where do you live ? Where do we take you, sir ? Maybe just-- Cir-- cir-- circus.
Circus circus.
Okay, yeah, that's on fourth and virginia.
Let's go to circus circus.
All right.
( singing indistinctly ) ( all singing ) Shut the fuck up back there.
Jesus christ.
Last year I didn't go to the policemen's ball Because I had the flu And I didn't have nobody to watch my kids.
And shanika couldn't do my hair.
I just had a lot of problems last year.
I didn't even go.
Did you go ? Yeah, I took ol' roy beckhardt last year.
Roy works on my car-- Not my squad car, but my regular datsun b210.
He had a good time there.
He won a dinner for two at honeybaked ham On the wheel-of-fortune thing, And so now he's giving me good deals on fixing my car.
So I guess it all worked out.
( coughing ) ( dangle ) Like grand funk railroad down there.
Like pigs in poop, couldn't be happier.
Show-offs ! Sons of bitches ! ( dog barking ) Damn.
Damn.
( coughs ) That's a dog in there.
Not our department.
I think you're right.
What do you mean ? Not our department, their department, man.
( williams ) they're just standing around.
Oh, hey, hey ! ( all shouting ) ( garcia ) holy shit.
Are you kidding me ? He's not trained for that.
I didn't tell him to do that.
He just took off.
The last thing you wanna do Is send somebody else into a burning building.
Now we're gonna have to go get him.
He's basically feeding the fire.
I-I-I didn't send him, okay ? That's suicide.
Travis ! ( gasps ) travis ! ( cheers and applause ) Oh, my god ! ( all talking ) ( williams ) that's how we do it ! Hero deputy, hero dog ! Good job, buddy.
( baby crying ) Okay, mark's out with the baby.
We've got mark out of the building.
He's got the baby, we're all clear.
Way to go on the dog.
( dangle ) you're still a hero, man.
Good dog.
You're a good-- No ! No ! Oh, poop.
( thumping dance music ) They've got to be breaking the fire code.
Oh, no question.
If we can get past the bouncer we could Do something about it.
I don't mean Any disrespect, But fuck firemen ! You know ? I'll bet you that's what clem is doing right now.
Floyd, you're a shoo-in for the raffle ! Stop it on two.
He wins.
That's 4, here.
Two ! Two ! Floyd ! ( wiegel ) you won a ski-doo, floyd ! Okay.
Does he understand me ? ( dangle ) no, he can't hear you at all, I don't think.
You know what ? I've got an idea.
How about we all just go home.
Fuck it, we lost.
Let's get out of here.
I agree.
No, no ! Because that's exactly-- no, no.
That's exactly what those beautiful Fucking oily, mediterranean types up there And their dalmatian want us to do.
Do you understand me ? That's what we want us to do.
I also would like to go home, too.
( dance music continues ) ( alarm ringing ) ( cheering ) ( ringing continues ) ( dance music )