Retired at 35 (2011) s02e06 Episode Script

Screw-top.
Awesome.
That was 20 minutes well spent.
Hey, beautiful.
You look fantastic.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I got 45 minutes-- let's get this show on the road.
Or at least on the couch.
Uh, hi, Jenn.
How was your day? Great.
Why are your pants still on? I just--I thought we'd have some romance.
You know, a little wine, and-- What are you, a chick? David, I'm a single mom with three jobs and a babysitter at home.
Sorry if this doesn't sound romantic, but we gotta knock this out.
Dad, hi! Hi, hey.
We were just studying.
- Hi Mr.
Robbins.
- Hi, Jenn.
David, have you seen your mother? I've been looking everywhere for her.
Well, uh, you better get on that, Dad, because you know what they say-- the first 24 hours is the most important.
It's not good to be seen alone here.
People start sending you sympathy casseroles.
Come to think of it, you know when I last saw her? Not here, Dad.
Oh, I get what you're saying-- sit down and wait it out.
We're going to take off, Dad.
Bye, Mr.
Robbins.
Hope you find your wife.
What are we going to do? I don't have much time.
How strong is this bench? Oh.
- Hey, Amy.
- Hey, Brandon, what's up? I was just cleaning your pool and I found something in the gunk trap.
I thought maybe it was yours.
What is it? - for an excuse to come say hi.
- Brandon, you don't need an excuse.
You can come by anytime.
Awesome, 'cause I'm going to need that back.
Okay, big guy, sounds great.
Heading to the airport right now.
I am leaving on a jet plane to hot-lanta-- wheels up, pronto.
Okay.
Good news, babe.
Boss needs me in the great state of Georgia.
I say "great" by way of comparison to its neighbor, Alabama.
Yeech.
- What's up, pool man? - Hey, Jared.
Wait.
I don't understand.
You've never traveled for work before.
I do now.
This is a huge opportunity, Amy.
It's Atlanta, and all that that implies.
But, I mean, how long will you be gone? When will you come back? Don't worry.
We can have phone sex later.
I have the company cell, so we can really take our time.
You okay? Yeah, yeah.
Things just haven't been the same since Jared moved in.
You know, he's working all the time and he's never around.
That sucks.
I'm sorry.
Um, would it be rude of me to ask for a rib? Oh, oh, no.
Amy, Amy-- - What are you guys doing here? - What are you doing here? Sorry to barge in, but we were just looking for some alone time.
Yeah, we were at Mom and Dad's, but then Dad just came in and took over the place.
Yeah, and I got a sitter, and it's not easy juggling work and a kid and-- yes or no? Oh, well, if it's with my brother, the real question is "why?" Sorry, guys.
I'm in for the night.
Looks like we're out of options.
Yeah, well, that's the drawback to living with your parents.
Yeah, that's the drawback.
What about your mom's condo? No, no.
She rented it out last month, when she moved back in with my dad.
- Uh, no she didn't.
- How do you know? 'Cause I'm a pool man, David.
I'm the eyes and ears of the complex.
Why would my mom keep her place? That I don't know.
I'm only the eyes and ears, not the mind.
Hey, Jared baby.
It's me.
I'm sitting on the couch Naked.
And I'm feeling really sexy.
So when you get this message, call me.
Hey, Mom.
David.
Well, what are you doing here? Mom, why do you still have this apartment? Well, for someone who doesn't have his own apartment, you're asking an awful lot of questions about mine.
Elaine, are you coming? - Who's in there? - No one.
Nobody.
Mom, what's going on? Elaine, sweetie, come back inside.
Things were just beginning to heat up.
Oh, hi.
Hi, I'm David.
I'm Elaine's son.
Pleasure to meet you.
Your mom's fantastic.
Until I met her, I felt so alone.
She's made me see life in a whole new way.
A whole new way.
Jared, it's me.
Look, I am sorry if my last nine messages seemed a little angry or desperate or neurotic.
'Cause I'm not! Um, look, when you get a chance, anytime, call me.
I'm still naked.
Okay.
Okay, the Divorced Women's group is now called to order.
We were welcoming a new member to our group.
- Joanne, welcome.
- Oh, well-- - Uh, one second, dear.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
Everyone here is either separated or divorced, so you are in a safe place where you can speak your mind and get support.
- Thank y-- - Hold that thought.
- Not quite done.
- Oh, oh, oh.
Feel free to let it all hang out.
Go ahead.
Well, thank you, Elaine, for having me and--and for having this group, because-- Elaine, you are a beacon in the darkness that is separation and divorce.
You're a hero to all divorced women.
"Hero" is a little much.
Finish your thought.
- Well, I-- - You'll learn here that there is life after marriage.
You don't need a man to define you.
I will define you.
Okay.
Yes, Jared Mulrooney, please.
Um, what do you mean he's not there? Sorry, is this the Peach Tree Inn? What do you mean there's 17 Peach Tree Inns? Um, why does every hotel in Atlanta have to have the word "peach" in it? I mean, we get it, Atlanta.
You grow peaches.
Congratu-freaking-lations! Hey, Ames.
Hi.
Guess what? I checked it out, and Brandon was right.
Mom did keep her condo.
When does this turn into something I care about? No, but wait, there's more.
There's more.
So, uh, when I went over there, Mom was not alone.
Are you saying she was with some man? Uh, no, not exactly.
Uh, more like a wo-man.
So what? Well, so the woman called her "sweetie.
" So? I call my friends "sweetie" all the time.
Yeah, well, this particular woman also touched her on the arm, said that Mom made her see her world in a whole new way.
Said that last part twice.
I swear to God it was weird.
You're weird.
David, you better cut to the chase.
The wine, ice cream, and rib combo is not sitting well.
All right.
Is it possible that Mom Is experimenting with persons who are not men? No.
You weren't there, Amy.
There was a vibe.
Yeah, there was a lady-on-lady vibe.
This--this is Mom we are talking about.
I know, I know.
So think about it.
You know how she's always talking about change.
She's always trying to get Dad to try new food.
So what if women are Mom's new food? What if Mom is a lady-liker? David, why would Mom, who is in a relationship, decide to go off with some woman and drink wine in a secret apartment? I-- Holy crap! I could see it.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
Yeah, I mean, men suck! They make themselves unavailable, they avoid you, they shut you out.
I mean, I could see deciding that you've had enough.
Yeah! That you're a strong woman.
That you could live without the emotional turmoil of dealing with some man-- Hey! It's my man! Oh.
It's not Jared.
Elaine, come on! Show's about to start.
I'd love to, but I'm going to water aerobics.
Again? This is the third time this week.
Monday--legs, Wednesday--torso, and tonight we're working out our guns.
Hey, Mr.
"R.
" Is David around? I really need to talk to him.
No, he's not here.
- What's wrong? - I got girl trouble.
Sit down.
Lay it on me.
Okay, well, I'll be brief.
There's a girl I really like.
Nobody you know.
Anyway, she's sweet and she's pretty-- Sure.
Nobody likes the mean, ugly ones.
But she has a boyfriend who's kind of a jerk-- doesn't really treat her right.
And I'm way better looking than he is too.
Well, sure, okay.
I mean, I haven't seen him, so let's go with that.
So what should I do? I say be true to yourself.
If you like her, make your move.
That's good advice, Dad.
Can I call you "dad"? You could, uh, but I'd prefer you didn't.
Oh, 'cause the guy who raised me doesn't let me call him "dad.
" He says he doesn't like titles.
Okay, you can call me "dad.
" Thanks, Dad.
You can call me "son.
" I don't like titles.
Hello, mother.
Oh, hi, kids.
Uh, now is not the best time.
We really need to speak to you.
Okay, come in, but be quick about it.
Okay, look, we're not trying to accuse you of anything, but David thinks he knows what's going on here.
Were you listening at the door? No.
God, no.
No.
Well, Mom, we have to talk.
'Cause if it's true, it's a really big deal to be keeping from Dad.
Oh, for God's sake, so I like to get together with women.
So what? So--so it's true? Well, yes, it's true.
I like being with women.
Sound the alarm.
Mom, I applaud your honesty, really I do, and Your sense of adventure.
It's not that adventurous.
I'm sure sometimes it's hard to get through, and sometimes it's painful, but you force yourself.
And you always feel better afterwards.
You should try it, Amy.
Oh, hello, door.
It's only a few times a week.
And then when I go back to your father, I'm in a much better mood.
Come on, Mom.
Maybe it's just a phase.
Oh, no, it's not a phase.
It's a new way of life.
Do not tell your father.
Now you two go.
I have company coming over, and we want to get right to it.
Wow.
So women really are Mom's new food.
I don't even want to know what's for dessert.
I mean, I never would have thought it was possible.
But you heard her.
She didn't deny it.
That would explain 25 years of bad boyfriend advice.
Well, so what are we gonna do? I don't know, I guess just wait till we're asked to march in some parade.
Hey, Dad.
Have you guys seen your mother? What? Why? Uh, I went by her water aerobics class, and the pool was closed.
Is there another pool? Is she diving into something else? UhUm You know I thought things were really great between us.
But she's lying to me about where she's going.
Did you know anything about this? Yeah, Dad, um, it's like this.
See, sometimes a person reaches a certain point in their life, and they experiment with different lifestyle options.
Oh, my God, you're mother's gone vegetarian.
No, close.
Um, no.
No.
See, so, okay, uh, Amy and I think it is possible, uh, that Mom has met a new group of people who inspire her passions.
She finally auditioned for the community theater.
Makes sense.
She's quite the thespian.
Thespian.
So close.
Um No, let me see if I can find a new metaphor here.
Uh, we think-- Dad, Mom kept her condo.
She's spending time there because she might be a lesbian.
Let me see if I heard this right.
I'm paying for two condos? Elaine, after last week's meeting, I was so-- Transformed? Enlightened? Yes.
And then I told Gary I had enough of his crap.
And then I unfriended him on Facebook.
Take that, Gary! Take that, Gary! And it's all because of you, Elaine.
And--and I'm not watching Gary's dog any more! Take that, Gary's dog! Yeah! Oh, joanne, we are so proud of you.
Come here.
Oh, thank you, Elaine, thank you.
Oh, my God, it's true.
What do you do, take turns? Alan? Well, when the kids told me, I thought they were crazy.
What are you talking about? How can you switch teams on me when everything's been going so well between us? "Switch teams"? What do you mean? Wait.
Do you think I'm-- Yeah.
You're not? - No! - Well, if you're not having a lesbian affair in secret, why did you keep this condo? 'Cause you got everything in the divorce.
- She needs a place to live.
- Divorced? Ladies, break into sharing pods.
Go into the bedroom.
Alan, hear me out.
I heard everything.
It's a women's group.
I started it when we were separated.
And--and I kept the condo so we'd still have a place to meet.
So this is where you've been coming.
Yes.
Why, Elaine? I don't understand.
Because I can do something with these women that I can't do with you.
But I thought you said you weren't doing that? Talking, Alan.
We talk.
I talk to you.
We talk and we share our emotions and we cry and we laugh and we talk some more.
Yeah, I don't want to do that.
I'm sorry.
I should have told you.
These women seem to think I have a lot to offer.
And it feels good to be able to help.
Well, it feels to me like you're ashamed to be back together.
Alan, we are back together.
We're not back together all the way.
You still have one foot out the door, and that scares me, Elaine.
Oh, Alan.
You're either in or you're out.
What's it gonna be? I'm in.
I'm all in.
- Are you sure? - I'm sure.
- I'm giving up the condo.
- Thank you.
But give me a little time to wind down this divorce group.
Next week we have a healing exercise where we're going to throw darts at pictures of our ex-husbands.
The sharing pods were amazing.
Joanne just came out of the closet.
Take that, Gary! Yeah! Oh.
Oh, hey, what's up, Brandon? Hi, Amy.
Um So I was talking with my father figure And, anyway, the talk was about a girl.
She's sweet and pretty, not mean and ugly.
Um Man, this went so much better in my head.
Oh, Brandon, this is about a girl? Look, if you like a girl, you should tell her.
Because you're a great guy and she'd be lucky to have a guy like you in her life.
She deserves to know.
Okay.
Good.
- Thank you, Amy.
- You're welcome.
Mmm.
That was hot! The girl is you, by the way.
Hey, babe, I'm back.
Oh, where should I go? - What should I do? - Oh I don't know.
Just stand there! And look normal.
Jared, you're back? You know, I called you a bunch of times, and you never called me.
My plane landed late, I went straight into meetings.
Got a lot of good face-time with the boss.
By the time I was done, it was too late to call.
Well, what about yesterday? Addendum-- BlackBerry died.
Left my charger in the kitchen.
Can't remember the number without the device.
I blame the age we live in.
Ask me how I did.
"Amazing," I answered.
"No need to ask.
" How are you? Okay.
A little confused, but okay.
That is a lot of empty wine bottles.
Did you have a party? Or-- Sure.
Hey, pool man.
What are you doing here? Are you, uh-- are you messing around with my woman? Uh I am just kidding.
Wow.
Anyway, the deal closed, and you and I are going to celebrate big-time.
All right, excellent.
I should get going.
Good, because I am going to take Amy into the bedroom.
'Cause I have a little surprise for her.
Who wants a Peach Tree towel? - Huh, huh, huh? - What? Oh, please, Jared.