Sabrina The Teenage Witch s02e06 Episode Script

Sabrina.
What took you so long? I had to fight a family for this booth.
I stood by my locker for 20 minutes waiting for Harvey, but then he decided to go hang out with the guys at that stupid garage.
Let's face it.
We've been ditched for loud things that go fast.
What do guys talk about when we're not around? - Girls? - Guts.
Guts are way grosser than pus.
Oh, no way, dude.
What's gonna make you yak in a movie, a few measly guts or a geyser of pus? All right, but generally speaking, guts include pus.
GUYS: Oh.
- Oh, yeah.
To be or not to bee.
Bzz-zz-zz.
[ALL LAUGHING.]
Hey, guys.
The Slicery was dead, so we thought we'd hang here.
Free country.
So how's the car coming along? We're just having trouble getting it to, you know, start.
Are you using the right key? Because that's messed me up before.
My aunt Zelda just got her alternator replaced.
- Maybe it's the alternator.
GUYS: No.
Well, it sure looks rad.
Yeah, you don't see too many low riders in Westbridge.
What does it do exactly? Rides real low.
Fascinating.
Well, see you.
Let's never do that again.
SABRINA: Salem, what do boys talk about when the girls aren't around? - Boys or boy cats? - Is there a difference? Not really.
Cats might be a tad more political.
Sabrina, when the womenfolk aren't around, men can relax and open up about the big stuff.
- Tell me what the big stuff is.
- Sorry, honey, but in the words of the immortal bard, that's for me to know and for you to stay up nights boohooing because you'll never find out.
- Men.
- Women.
- Cats.
- Ah.
[PHONE RINGS.]
I got it.
I got it.
Hello? Yes, it is.
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
No.
Why didn't you get it? I'm a lazy bum.
- It was Sabrina's vice principal.
- Is Sabrina in trouble? No.
He wants to see me again.
I can't believe it.
Last time we went out, I pepper-sprayed him.
And next time, why don't you try this: "I wanna go home now"? You got a sec? - Just one.
I've got a lecture to get to.
- I'll make this quick.
What's the mystery of men? Let me get my calendar and see if I can clear the next decade.
To truly learn how men think you have to be accepted by men.
- Which can't be done.
- Unless You could try a turn-yourself-into-a-boy spell.
- You're kidding.
We can do that? - No, absolutely not.
The last time she tried a boy spell, she got lost for 50 years because she refused to ask for directions.
Sabrina, I'm against it.
No boy spells.
Got it? Snips.
Hmm.
Snails.
- Some puppy dog tails.
- Ugh.
Synthetic.
Add a drop of those.
- Ear of newt? There's a new one.
- Mm-hm.
- "Boy Brew.
" - Drink it.
Now, if I drink this will I have boy thoughts or my own thoughts? Well, you mostly have your own thoughts.
You just look like how you would have been if one of your chromosomes lost a leg.
Okay.
Here goes.
[BELCHES LOUDLY.]
Yikes.
I'm so sorry.
Don't be.
Just means that it's working.
- Really? I don't feel any-- - Mm-hm.
Oh, boy.
[LOW VOICE.]
--different.
Whoa.
Do I wanna look in a mirror or is this too weird? Are you kidding? It's fabulous.
- Dude.
- Do you feel different? Yes and no.
I mean, I still feel like me, but for some reason I also sense that SportsCenter is on.
Now, Sabrina, this is very important.
- Each Boy Brew only lasts two hours.
- Gotcha.
[SETTING WATCH.]
Hey, cool chronograph.
Hey, I know what a chronograph is.
Cool.
Heh.
[DOOR OPENING.]
ZELDA: It's just me.
Forgot my notes.
Bye.
Do I smell sweat socks? No.
I bought cheese.
Bye.
[DOOR CLOSES.]
[WHISTLES.]
Salem, my man.
Whoa.
Adolescence is not sitting well with you.
I'm gonna walk among you guys, see what makes you tick.
Freeze! Don't squirt that perfume unless you want to be a boy who gets beaten up.
Man, that was close.
It's not enough to look like a dude.
You have to start thinking like a dude.
- You picked a name yet? - Kirby? We're back to getting beaten up here.
[SABRINA BELCHING LOUDLY.]
- Hey, Valerie.
- Hey.
Do I know you? Oh, right.
The name's Jack.
Heh.
We sat next to each other one time when homerooms were combined for an assembly on the Boer War.
I don't remember you.
I don't even remember that assembly.
Well, it was nice to see you again.
I hear some dudes are customizing some wheels.
- Don't wanna be late.
- Right.
Hey, did anyone say anything about that war being on a test? Sweet ride.
You guys need a hand? Who's asking? The name's Jack.
I just transferred to Westbridge.
Hey, Harvey Kinkle.
This is Dolrimple, Ramage and over there is Baines.
Jack what? Jack Spratsky.
Well, just don't stand there.
Give Kinkle a hand.
[HIGH VOICE.]
He got his wrench stuck in his purse strap.
[ALL LAUGHING.]
Hey, any of you clowns check the alternator? Good idea.
So I told him that I felt the answer lies in magnetic resonance spectroscopy.
You'll never guess what he said.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
I got it.
Oh.
It's him.
- Thought you turned him down.
- I did.
He must be one of those resilient losers.
I'll be your best friend if you tell him I'm not home.
I'd love to help you in your life.
If only you had feigned some interest in mine.
[DOORBELL RINGING.]
Okay, Mr.
Never-Say-Die.
This calls for drastic measures.
[BELCHES LOUDLY.]
Ohhh.
Women.
[LOW VOICE.]
Yeah? Oh.
I'm here to see Hilda.
- Says who? - Says me.
I mean, I-- I say.
Who are you? Name's Sonny.
I ride with the Marbleheads out of Marblehead.
And you ain't seeing Hilda.
- Excuse me.
- What? You mind terribly if I ask why? Because she's my old lady, poindexter.
Now, if I were you, I'd make like a tailpipe and blow.
I am terribly sorry.
Misunderstanding.
And-- And may I say also that you people just did a swell job at Altamont.
Keep walking, four-eyes.
Keep walking.
You guys check out Troy Aikman last night? He is so hot.
What's that supposed to mean? Three hundred and twelve yards, four TD's and no I-N-T's.
Yeah, what did you think I meant, his butt? ALL: Ha-ha-ha.
- His butt.
Uh-oh.
Uh-oh.
Harvey, you sick? [BELCHES LOUDLY.]
[GUYS CHUCKLING.]
[BELCHES LOUDLY.]
No one is coming close to that.
There was greatness there and yet [BELCHES LOUDLY.]
Hey, Spratsky, are you in? Yeah, let's see what you got.
[BELCHES LOUDLY.]
- Whoa.
- You're ready for the X Games.
We gotta hang out.
How about tonight? Can't.
Pushups.
D? My dad's making me learn how to take inventory.
Kinkle, what's your story? I might be doing something with Valerie.
ALL: Oooh! Hey.
[GUYS CHUCKLING.]
SABRINA [NORMAL VOICE.]
: Can you believe it? - Harvey wants to date Valerie.
- I thought you and Harvey did agree to see other people.
Sure.
Nitpick.
You're positive he's gonna ask her out? Salem, he told me to Jack's face.
What am I gonna do? Plan A: Mope.
Plan B: Pick up the phone and beat him to the punch.
I recommend the preemptive strike.
It's how I took Yugoslavia.
I'm not asking a girl out on a date.
Not you.
Jack.
It's so unfair.
Why does the guy always have to call? This is one time when being a cat is better.
Being in heat eliminates the guesswork.
[LOW VOICE.]
Valerie, what's up? - Who's this? - Jack Spratsky.
Spratsky? Remember, we met in the hall? The Boer War? Heh-heh.
Oh, yeah.
Hey, do you think I could borrow your notes? I didn't take any.
I was too busy looking at you.
- Really? - Smooth.
You wanna go to the Slicery with me tonight? Yeah, I'd love to.
Okay, 7:00.
Be there.
Ciao.
[NORMAL VOICE.]
She said yes.
And you said, "Ciao.
" I know.
Eww.
I have a date with a girl.
[PHONE RINGS.]
- Hello? - Sabrina? You'll never guess who just asked me out.
Go with the grain of your fur.
I-- I mean beard.
Dare I say it, Sabrina? You look fly.
Salem, when was the last time you had a date? [CHUCKLING.]
Whoa.
Mama, hearts will be broken.
Can't believe how comfortable I am.
I'm never wearing a bra again.
I can't believe you asked me out.
I mean, I haven't had a date in practically a year.
I mean, I never get asked out.
Never.
[THINKING.]
Listen to yourself.
This is not what a guy wants to hear.
And second dates? Forget it.
You'd think I had an unlisted number.
I don't.
It's the same number you called for this date.
So I was just wondering, you know, if anybody else asked you out for this weekend.
You're not a very good listener, are you? Huh.
So he didn't ask her out, yet.
Hey, Val.
- Dude.
- Dude.
I didn't expect to see you two out together.
Maybe I can scare him off for good.
- Excuse us a sec.
- Sure.
The place mat has games.
Kinkle, I hope you don't mind me asking Valerie out.
- No.
It's cool.
- Good, because, you know, Val and I are kind of going out now.
- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.
But don't tell Val that.
I mean, you know how they are when they get comfortable.
Heh.
Right.
Well, I'll check you two later.
You the man, Kinkle.
Oh.
Are we going Dutch? Because I only brought $5.
I thought I got rid of you.
Yes, well, this may be what we in the civilised world call bad form, but I have to follow my heart.
Well, did you have to follow it here? Look, I did not see a ring on Hilda's finger.
Therefore, I must conclude that it is open season.
What if I told you we're common law in Montana? Ah.
She can do better than some slob in a pair of chaps that haven't fit since Watergate.
Hey, aren't you supposed to be home watching some musical on PBS? And shouldn't you be using your unemployment cheque to buy raisin jack? I am not going anywhere until you find Hilda and let her decide.
Don't waste your time.
She's not worth it.
Hey, that's enough.
When Hilda isn't spending my money she's yapping all the time.
You take that back.
- Make me, haircut.
Oh! - I will.
- Hey, that was my mother's.
- Uh-oh.
You're going down! [BOTH GRUNTING.]
This is better than pay-per-view.
What does she see in a slow-witted endomorph like you? There is more to love than book learning.
Well, I rue the day we met.
What is going on? Time out.
Break it up.
Time out.
Who are you? And what are you doing in my house? Oh, dear Lord, it's you.
- He started it.
- Did not.
Look, you want me to call the police? Because I have a very good feeling about some outstanding [SINGSONG VOICE.]
warrants.
That won't be necessary.
All right.
In that case, I will go.
Please give my regards to Hilda.
And next time I'm pulling your ponytail, suzy.
[HUFFS.]
Did you have to stop it, Zelda? I had 10 bucks on biker boy.
Why is it every time you're a boy, you have to start a fight? So how did your big date go? Great.
We totally hit it off.
I think he really likes me.
That's great, because, you know, I know a lot of times on first dates I make the mistake of talking too much or acting really desperate or putting myself down.
You shouldn't do that.
Okay, I'll try better next time.
Refill? Hey, Val.
You wanna go to the Slicery with me tonight? - I'd love to.
- Cool.
- Pick you up at seven? - Cool.
Hey, do you mind if I go to the Slicery with Harvey tonight? - He asked you out? - Oh, no.
I should have asked you first.
No, it's okay.
Harvey and I are seeing other people.
It's just I thought you were dating Jack.
Well, I can juggle two guys.
Wow.
Two guys.
This new deodorant rocks.
I don't know what feels worse, Valerie dating Harvey or Valerie dumping Jack.
I guess I'm just not ready to see Harvey date other people.
Can I give you some advice, man to man? - I'll try anything.
- Go to the Slicery and mark your territory.
Well, that may be the cat talking, but it works either way.
[INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYS OVER SPEAKER.]
This must be your lucky night.
How do you figure? Senior I'm dating got grounded, so you get the privilege of escorting me into the Slicery.
Just chew with your mouth closed and don't let my Diet Coke go empty.
I can handle that.
Little did you know you'd be on a date with me.
Little did you know.
You short guys should wear a sign.
Come on, I wanna play Alley Fight before the eighth graders get the buttons all sticky.
Here's a quarter.
Get yourself something pretty.
Very funny.
VALERIE: I mean, I never get asked out.
Never.
There was one time when a guy who works for my dad-- I wish you would learn that it's never a good idea to turn yourself into a boy.
Oh, there was no harm done.
Except for those four cheese steaks I ate.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
Why don't I get rid of Mr.
Kraft before we're featured on Cops? Nope.
That's okay.
I'm kind of starting to like him.
Well, he fought to defend my honour.
Hello, Hilda.
Come on in, slugger.
Sorry I missed you before, but here I am.
Yep.
But I'm actually here to see Sonny.
I-- I just want to apologise for the donnybrook - and maybe buy him a beer.
- I'll go with you.
Oh, boy, that would still be my first choice.
But, no.
I-- I have to clear the air with Sonny.
Otherwise I won't feel right or safe.
Heh.
So if he's not here, I guess I'll just be going.
Oh, he's here.
Yes, he's in the dining room.
I just fixed him a plate of turkey.
- Zelda.
- Hilda, there's no harm.
Then I guess I'll get him.
- How've you been? - I've been very good.
[LOUD BELCH.]
HILDA: Sonny, that's disgusting.
HILDA AS SONNY: Well, you won't be hearing it much longer.
Hey, man.
What it is and what it ought to be.
Absolutely.
Brewski? We'll take my hog.
VALERIE: So I guess we're back to never.
I don't know what you're talking about.
I can't hear the ocean.
Keep trying.
It's amazing.
HARVEY: Yeah, never's a really long time to go without a date.
Listen, there's something kind of personal I need to talk to you about.
VALERIE: What is it? [STATIC NOISE.]
Forget it.
Mine's broken.
[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE.]
Here.
Try the hot sauce.
Get a grip.
Big boys don't cry.
Oh, hey.
Hey, Kinkle.
Jack, are you crying? No.
I just got a wicked whiff - of some of that pine disinfectant.
- Drag.
So how's your date going? Oh, it's not a date.
- Can you keep a secret, Sprat-man? - Sure.
I just wanted to talk to Valerie about Sabrina.
- You did? - Yeah.
She and I used to go out.
We're still tight, but lately I don't know.
Sometimes I just miss her.
Maybe you should tell Sabrina.
No.
I mean, we decided to slow things down and if I told her, she might feel pressured.
I don't wanna do that.
Harvey, you're the coolest.
[CHUCKLES.]
- It is kind of piney in here, isn't it? - Yeah.
Little word of warning, Jack.
Your mascara's running.
Oh, no.
Girl stuff.
[WATCH BEEPS.]
I don't have a problem with it, but the guys will be all over you.
[NORMAL VOICE.]
Thanks, brother.
[AS JACK.]
Gotta go.
Nice chronograph.
[NORMAL VOICE.]
My right side shouldn't be in here.
Please wear off.
Please wear off.
Please wear off.
Huh.
I'm glad to be back.
Ooh.
I'd better hurry.
- Hey, Libby, looking for someone? - Jack's been in the bathroom forever.
You'd think he was a girl.
Sorry, Libby, but I saw Jack leave about 10 minutes ago.
Sprat split? I listened to pepper for him.
Doesn't he know who I am? Hey, Sabrina.
Over here.
Come have a seat.
- Hey, Val.
Hey, Harvey.
- Hey.
You know what? I almost forgot.
I have to bring some scungilli home for my dad.
Will you two excuse me? - What's scungilli? - I don't know.
- You wanna try some? - Yeah.
Sabrina, you're the only girl I know with the guts to try gross food.
You know what's really gross? Pus.
So was it worth it? Yep.
I learned that the mystery of men is there is no mystery.
If you wonder what they're thinking, it's whatever they're eating.
- Any more pork rinds? - I ate them all.
When is this male-pattern behaviour gonna stop? Soon.
By tomorrow, you'll be a total priss.
[GAME PLAYING OVER TV.]
- Come on, you have to catch that.
- He quit on the ball.
He heard footsteps.
[LOW VOICE.]
If you can't take a hit, if you don't wanna pay the price, then go play soccer.
- Am I right, ladies? - Dude.
Just call me Buzz.