Samantha Who? s02e06 Episode Script

a million decisions every day-- some big and some small, and it's not always obvious which is which, like this one.
We've all been there-- whether to tell your new boyfriend that you live with your ex-boyfriend.
Could be as big as a freight train or as tiny as an electric car.
I just love driving in your little toy car.
It's like riding in a snow globe.
Neat.
So can I come up this time? Up where? Stairs? Upstairs? No.
I, um, I'm--I'm not ready yet.
You remember that we already slept together, right? Yeah.
No, no, I'm just not ready for you to--to--to just see it all messy and stuff.
It's like a guy lives there.
I just-- I have this desire just to know everything about you.
Let me just check with frank about, um, a package I was expecting.
Frank.
Um, question.
Has that package from the todd company arrived yet? You know, the one that would make it too crowded for owen to come upstairs.
Yoknow, the tall, the one-- yes, I understand what package you mean.
Right, right, right.
It's cold out there.
We could use some global warming right about now, huh? so what do you say, should I plug this thing in and we go upstairs? Oh, you quit that sexy talk.
no.
Next time, okay? Andrea, you're always saying you have excellent taste.
What do you think? Huh? I think you're very lonely.
I'm photographing the, uh, fund-raiser calendar for the newfie rescue.
What makes a better april, huh? Mr.
Cellophane dressed as the easter bunny.
Oh, that's so weird.
I was just about to fake a phone call.
hello, andrea.
It's se.
Don't hang up, please.
Seth, I told you to stop calling me.
No.
You already gave me tony dane's phone number, so unless you turn into an even more famous basketball player and I go blind, I don't need you anymore.
Yeah.
- Get them away from me.
- okay.
Put 'em away.
So listen.
Last night Todd and owen almost ran into each other again, and I was like, I cannot keep up this charade any longer.
So I decided I'm gonna come clean.
I'm gonna tell 'em both.
Thank you.
thank you.
I am so relieved.
Who are you gonna tell first? You couldn't let me just have that for one second, could you? You look stunning tonight.
Bartender, I did not order this.
I told you to stop bothering me.
Now scoot.
I'm meeting tony over drinks.
No, you're meeting seth here for drinks.
I texted you with tony's phone.
You little sleaze.
Well, you wouldn't return my messages.
You kept hanging up on me.
How was I supposed to get in touch with you? But the good news is, we get to stare into each other's eyes all night.
Ready? And go.
Oh, I'm going.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Let me tell you why I've been trying to reach you.
Tony won't call you back until he sees a picture.
A picture? That is so superficial.
Didn't you tell him how incredibly hot I am? Look, he's used to dating celebrities, models-- people that he's seen, people that we've all seen, people that have been in rehab.
I can do rehab.
I've done all the work leading up to it.
Just send him a picture.
but don't make that face.
Don't make that one.
Shut up.
And then I realized that my wallet was in the composting heap.
god, you are so funny, which reminds me, I have something really terrible to tell you.
And look, I-I-I feel so bad that it's taken me this long, but I was just scared that you were gonnae freaked t, which you have absolutely no reason to be.
What is it? You have a fur coat? You own some alligator shoes? I have a roommate.
That's it? That's why I couldn't come upstairs? The other thing is, he's a guy who's not gay, and I know that because we've slept together, like, a million times.
Okay, look.
My roommate is my ex-boyfriend todd.
And--and--and--and look, you don't--you don't have to worry about a thing.
There is absolutely nothing going on between us.
I also have alligator shoes.
I just want to get that all out.
And a matching bag.
I don't know why I held that back.
Are you mad? I'm relieved.
I didn't want to tell you either, but my best friend is my ex-girlfriend.
You have a todd? Yeah, willow.
Yeah.
I didn't know how to tell you either.
I mean, we went out for a long time, and then when we broke up, we realized that we could be, like, just friends.
Just friends--that's cool.
I guess, you know, for most people, it's strange to be friends with your ex.
Look at us, sitting here, all evolved and everything, No, evolution is great.
Yeah, you don't want to be like monkeys, you know? It's le, "get out of that tree, monkey.
"Get out of that willow tree.
Get off that willow" proudly presents sync:ßÇÈâÈâ Who? Season02 Episode06 Sohat if owen is best friends with his ex, you know? I-I trust him, and it just shouldn't bother me, so but it does.
It does.
It really, really does.
I wouldn't like it if chase was still friends with his ex-wife.
Even if the courts allowed i I wouldn'T.
You know, I have a todd, and--and there's absolutely nothing going on with my todd.
Women can have a todd.
Men get a todd, and they do what they do with everything they get-- they just try to figure out a way to have sex with it.
Hey, mom.
Mom, look what I did.
It's okay.
That's how I learn.
Forget cookies.
I just went to a couple open houses, you know, check out our competition? No one is putting out cookies.
I mean, no one.
It's all cupcakes now.
I-it--it's like a nightmare come to life.
So make cupcakes.
I don't know how to make cupcakes.
I make chocolate chip cookies.
I'm sorry it's "out of fashion.
" You should make s'mores.
Remember, you'd always make them when we were kids? Dena, dena, dena.
S'mores aren't baking.
Besides, I only made those so the two of you could have fun together playing with fire while I finished the crossword.
Oh, what is that look? I was never more than two rooms away.
First of all, this look isn't about you.
But now I have a deeper understanding of why I'm so frightened of lighting my stove.
Owen told her that he's still friends with his ex-girlfriend willow.
I think you should tell owen to dump willow.
Oh, lord, no.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
No, do not make him choose between the two of you.
That will just drive them back together.
You need to make friends with this girl.
Yeah? Yeah.
Yeah, you're right.
Uh, you know what?I think I'm just upset because it's just-- it's unknown, you know? And it's the only way you'll get close enough to destroy her.
And back to wrong.
so when do you think I'll be able to meet this, uh, what's he name again? What is it? --Willow? What? You want to? That would be great.
She'd love to meet you.
Yeah, I mean, if she--if she wants to.
It's, you know, I've got--I've got a lot of stuff going on, but, you know, whatever, yeah.
Why don't we have dinner tomorrow night? We can do it after her yoga class.
Yoga, huh? I see.
Trying to slim down? No, no.
I hope not.
No, she's too thin as it is.
No, she teaches.
So, like, what night did you want-- tonight.
Let's do it tonight.
That's great.
And we can invite todd.
I mean, you know, I'd love to meet him.
Todd.
Yeah.
Yeah.
No.
He'll--he'll--he's gonna be so excited to finally put a face to the name I'm constantly saying.
So I just hope tonight's not his bench pressing class.
So yeah.
- You're cooking.
- Yeah.
I ju, uh, having a cple of friends over for dinner, this vegan girl and her ex-boyfriend, owen.
Oh, yeah? When did you meet 'em? When I started dating the vegan girl's ex-boyfriend, owen.
Here.
Try this.
Wait, wait, wait.
I know.
I'm sorry I didn't tell you earlier.
I just--I didn't want to hurt your feelings, you know? But then it just started to get really uncomfortable because owen wanted to come up here and have sex.
I mean, not by himself.
I-I mean, with me.
I might be doing this poorly.
Okay, well, enjoy your dinner.
I'll be at mccorkle'S.
It's pot pie night.
No.
No, no, no.
You have to stay.
Why would I have dinner with you and your new boyfriend? Uh, because if you leave because it's weird for you, then it's gonna look like you left because it's weird for you, and I don't want owen to think that I live with a guy who thinks it's weird.
Please.
So--so y want me to put myself in an awkward situation to prove to everyone how awkward it's not? Yeah, and if you could do a few push-ups before they get here, that would be great, too.
Are you sure you don't want a theme, huh? Wild west or a saloon girl? - Why would tony dane want a saloon girl? - Well-- do you know why I asked you to do this? Because you have a camera.
Now just be quiet and shoot it.
Okay.
I made a mix of sexy music, just like the photograers of "redbook.
" Okay.
All right.
You're beautiful.
You're making love to the camera.
you're making holiday crafts, What?What? Let me see.
Oh, god! I knew it.
I knew it! Damn it! I can't believe this is still happening.
What is? Because I'm scared.
I've never been able to take a good picture, okay? I'm amazing in motion, and then when I stop, I get that.
It's like I'm an optical illusion.
No, but you posed for that portrait.
I mean, you look like the "mona lisa," w-with addional life experience.
I hired a guy to paint it for me from this photo.
Okay, that guy is an excellent artist.
oh, god.
Okay, please don' be prettier than me.
Please don't be prettier than me.
Oh, good.
Oh, god.
Her head is gigantic.
Oh, it's the fish-eye.
Hello! Welcome! - Sam, this is willow.
- Sam It's so amazing to finally meet you.
Owen talks about you so much I feel like I know you.
good.
Come on in.
Come in.
Okay, so admit it.
You were a little freaked out when you heard about me, right? I know.
Most women are, and I completely understand.
No.
Gosh, no, no, no, no, no.
No.
No.
A little bit.
just a smidge.
I haven't slept in days.
Get it.
I'm so sorry.
Come here.
she's great.
You must be owen.
Oh, hey.
Nice to meet you, uh, todd, and this is-- todd? Willow from the art institute? Photography 205, body and shadows.
God.
You guys know each other? Willow was our life studies model.
Didn't you wear that same grungy soundgarden t-shirt, like, every day? Yeah.
More than what you were wearing.
stop it.
I know.
Quit it.
At least he was polite enough to hit on me after class.
Yeah, but you always had some boyfriend.
Yeah, this guy.
You're kidding.
oh, my god.
You were naked, and todd asked you out.
That is-- it's extremely hilarious.
I cannot believe how many pearl jam concerts we were at the exact same time without knowing it.
I know.
It's so crazy.
Do you remember that 2-hour encore they did? The best.
The best.
Hey, you want to hear something crazy? You know that song by that band who, um, oh, god.
What's the name of the band? I don't know.
They have a song that's on a commercial right now, and it goes like, um oh, di-di-di-di-da-da-da why is that crazy? Oh, well, owen and I get it.
I don't have a tv.
Well, that's crazy.
Am I right? Oh, I don't have one either.
oh, you don'T.
So do still have those pictures of me from art class? 'Cause I never got copies.
Yeah, yeah, I think so.
Um, in the other room.
Oh, I don't know if I should see them.
That's when I was in shape.
No.
No, yeah, you gus go look at those.
Have fun.
That's fun.
She's great.
So is todd.
Okay, confession.
I didn't really love it when I found out you guys lived together, but, uh, now I know you're just friends.
I kind of feel silly.
yeah.
You know, since this is, uh, owen's first time at the apartment, willow and I were thinking that we'd go get dessert and give you guys time to hang out alone.
- No, that's ridiculs.
- Oh, that's really co.
Thanks.
No, I mean, that's--that's just so silly, because I already went to the store.
I went to the nature mart and I got us dessert, so who wants rhubarb crisp? - That sounds good.
- Really? Actuallywe're just gonna get going.
Yeah, sam, thank you so much.
She's the best.
Don't blow it, dumb-dumb.
Don't you blow it, knucklehead.
see you later, bastards.
I didn'T we'll just give your pictures a little enhancement.
You'll see.
It's-- if wdon't like something, we'll just touch it up in-- oh! Oh, my god.
Dena, is it bad? Okay, show me.
Why do you have a picture of an iguana? Oh, my god! I don't understand how this becomes that.
It just does.
It doesn't matter.
I'm never going to meet tony dane.
So what? I mean, he's just a guy.
You can have any guy you want.
Any regular guy.
This guy's famous.
What does that matter? It just matters, okay? It's just Ever since I was a littlgirl, you know, I'd look at these famous guys, and I'd want to be that girl, you know, the one with them walking down the red carpet and the one fighting with them at the airport? That girl--that girl that everyone hated, just because she was with him.
Oh, but plenty of people do hate you.
Just the ones that know me.
I want to be hated everywhere, by everyone.
Then let's get you that dream, huh? Yes.
Okay.
That's not gonna do it.
- One more.
- At least.
Sorry.
Is it the rhubarb crisp? No, no.
I I was just wondering why todd and willow are still out.
It's only been an half an hour.
Yeah.
Do you think they're okay? I mean, should we--should we call around or something? I mean, how late can dessert go before places have to start setting up for breakfast? Okay, sam, I-I g-gotta ask you a question.
I mean, I know that I'm over willow.
Are you really sure that you're over todd? What? Yeah.
I mean, why would u think I-I'm not? I guess because the pause you took before you said "yeah" was big enough for me to park my car in.
Okay, first of all, you have a very tiny car.
And--and--and also, you-- I was just caught off guard.
Just ask me again.
Go ahead.
- Okay.
- Okay.
Can you honestly say that todd is just a friend whom you don't have romantic feelings for? Okay, that'S no, wait.
Wait.
No, no, no.
Please, please.
That's not fair.
That's not fair.
You changed the question around.
Sam, look, I really like you, but I can't move forward unless you just get rid of the pause.
Samantha.
Samantha! A hundred strokes.
That's all.
The future of our business rests on those cupcakes.
I'm so mad at owen.
I mean, making me choose between him and todd.
I should have him choose between me and todd, see how he likes it.
Yeah.
Handsome millionaire environmentalist or the hobo whs living on my couch.
I can see where you'd be stumped.
Maybe he's right about how I feel, because I really, really hated it that todd was out with that miss nude photo princess.
I'm sure you did.
You saw yourself losing your fallback guy.
I don't even know what that is.
You know, the person you always keep in the back of your mind, you know, as a possibility, in case the one you're with doesn't work out.
Loretta mccloskey.
We'll talk later.
I mean, do you think he's right? Do you think I'm choosing todd over him? No, I don'T.
I think you're just afraid of moving towards something new.
You know, todd is like cookies.
Todd's familiar.
Owen is like cupcakes.
Take me.
I'm making cupcakes.
Cupcakes are the future.
- I think your future is burning.
- What? Oh, no! No! You know, maybe the future is doughnuts.
No, the future is a place where real estate is a career for 22-year-olds with flat stomachs and tinted moisturizer and cupcakes.
Anyone over 35 is just a ridiculous relic.
- Is she still saying she's 36? - 38 So, uh, what is this that you're trying to decide? Between owen and todd.
The only pblem is, if I choose owen, that means I have to get rid of todd, and then--d then what if it doesn't work out with owen? Then I've--I've lost todd forever.
Okay.
Here.
Flip it.
Flip a coin? Heads, it's owen.
Tails, it's todd.
this is ridiculous.
fine.
Tails.
It's todd.
Congratulations.
Let me--let me just-- let me do it again, 'cause I-I barely even tossed it, and it deserves a fair chance, right? Okay.
tails.
It's todd.
Congratulations.
- Best three out of five.
- No, no.
Sammy, do you really need to flip it again? No.
Thank you, daddy.
I know what I have to do.
So where is this photo, and why couldn't you e-mail it to me, huh? Please say it's too dirty.
I'm not sending tony dane a photo.
You gave up faster than I thought.
Perhaps because you've accepted the inevitability of us.
No.
I'm sending him this.
That is perfect, because I just got him a giant wallet.
be careful with it.
It's one of a kind, like me.
You got it.
Careful, idiot.
Ask me if I'm over todd.
Go ahead.
Okay.
Are you over todd? Yes.
Ask me again.
- Are you over t-- - yes!See? No pause.
I want to be with you.
How did you decide this? I flipped a coin.
You flipped a coin? And you lost every time.
I'm a little confused.
Okay, it came up "todd" twice in a row.
But that didn't matter.
I didn't even need to see the next flip, because no matter how obvious it is or how loud the universe screams at me, "you're supposed to be with todd," I wanted it to be you.
That didn't come out right at all.
No, it never does.
It's kinda your thing.
so get this-- the word "decision" comes from the same root as the word "scissors.
" I know that because I spelled "schism" wrong one day, and spell check led me to learn something.
Decisions and scissors can both be scary.
I mean, you can't gouge your eye out with a decision, but sometimes it feels that way.
with every decision, you're spping away the choices you don't want.
Hey, frank.
Sometimes you make a decision and feel sure you did the right thing.
Oh, hey, todd.
I'm glad I caught you.
I just want to tell you that if you want to go out with willow, then you have my blessing.
Well, thank you.
And what if I wanted to go out with her the last two nights and part of this morning? Namaste.
Yeah.
okay.
But sometimes you can't help but to think a little bit about the choices you've cut loose.
don't pick it up till we find out if it's heads or-- no.
Let's not find out.