Sanford and Son (1972) s02e06 Episode Script

Hey, Pop, I'm home! Oh.
Hello, son.
I didn't hear the truck pull in.
- You was just going at it, huh? - Yeah.
All day long.
Yeah.
No wonder they say a woman's work is never done.
- You're like the woman of the house.
- That's me.
- You're also the liar of the house.
- What? I wonder why that sofa's so warm.
You haven't, by any chance, been sleeping on the sofa again? Who, me, sleeping? No, I've been working.
I've been cleaning and vacuuming and coordinating.
I've been coordinating my off.
Then how come that sofa's so warm? I guess the cat was sitting on it.
- We don't have a cat.
- The one from next door.
He usually come over and keep me company because it get lonesome here sometimes.
Wonder if he's still here.
Here, kitty, kitty, kitty.
- Here, kitty, kitty, kitty.
- Why don't you stop? Okay, so I laid down for a few minutes.
Will you just stop picking on me all the time? I'm just trying to figure out what it is you do around here.
I know what I did today.
What did you do? Anything.
Name it.
- And no lying? - No lying.
If you tell the truth, I'll give you five dollars.
- Now, that's a deal.
- Did you clean up the yard? No.
Give me five bucks.
- Why? - You said You said you'd pay five bucks for the truth.
You think you're slick.
I don't have time to talk 'cause I got things to do.
What do you mean you got things to do? - That's right.
- Like what kind of things? I got some people coming over here tonight.
What do you have? Clam dip.
What do you do with this? - What do you think you do with it? - Dip clams in it.
No, you dip these corn chips in it.
Why don't they call it "corn chip dip" instead of"clam dip," dummy? What's this stuff for? I got some people coming over to play poker tonight.
Oh, yeah? Poker, is that what you're gonna play? - Well, not in my house.
- Are you serious? Yes, I'm serious.
You know what your mother called cards? Fifty-two devils in Satan's army.
Oh, come on.
That's right.
You don't believe me? Let me show you something.
- I gotta get this thing - Just come in here with me.
- I've gotta get the clam dip.
- Come with me.
- I wanna fix the clam dip.
- Just wait a minute.
- Now, what is this? - It's a deck of cards.
Deck of cards.
Had 'em 25 years and never opened 'em.
Know why? Your mother made me swear on this unopened deck I wouldn't play cards no more.
"Don't play cards," she said.
Then she died.
I thought you told me Mom's last words were, "Take care of Lamont.
" - Well, she said that too.
- Well, which was it? Well, she said both of'em.
- Do you wanna know her last words? - Yeah.
What was it? Here what she said.
See, she was in the hospital bed and the doctor was taking me to her bedside, and he whispered to me.
He said, "The end is near, Mr.
Sanford.
" And I looked down at your mother, and she said "Fred, if you or Lamont ever get sick again don't use this doctor.
" And then she died.
- That must have been terrible, Pop.
- It was terrible.
I had to walk out the room with that doctor.
Your mother was a fine woman, but she just hated gambling.
The only reason that Mom hated gambling was because you were a lousy cardplayer.
- You were always losing.
- Listen.
Don't say that to me.
Didn't you always get everything you needed? You was the first kid in the neighborhood who had a gold tooth.
I was also the first kid in the block to get ringworm.
It cleared up with Glover's Mange, didn't it? You had plenty to eat and a roof over your head.
I also had a stocking cap over my head.
Listen.
Who's coming here anyhow? Just some guys I know.
One of them is Arthur Matthews's son.
- Arthur Matthews's son? - That's right.
The Arthur Matthews? Ugly Arthur Matthews's son? - That's right.
His son Skeeter.
- Skeeter Matthews? - He been in jail.
- So what? Who hasn't? Well, I haven't.
And you haven't.
Why are you gonna fool around with them jailbirds for? - Who else is coming? - Just some guys I met at the poolroom.
There's Rooster and Hucklebuck.
Rooster and Hucklebuck.
I know what a rooster does, but what does a hucklebuck do? Hucklebuck is in used cars, Pop.
He buys and sells.
You sure he doesn't steal and repaint? - You asked me, so I told you.
- So, you're gonna play poker with a jailbird, a car thief and a rooster.
- Good luck.
- I've played before.
I know the game.
- You ever play with them? - Yeah.
Once.
- How much did you win? - How did you know I won? It's the oldest trick in the business.
They set a sucker up, let him win a few games then they set him up again, then next time they take everything he got.
Don't worry about it, Pop, okay? They're not gonna take me.
I've played these guys before and I can play 'em again.
You don't have to worry about it.
Anyway, I don't wanna talk about it because those guys are gonna be here any minute.
I want you to help me straighten this place up, okay? Take that out.
Let me tell you.
You know that old saying: A fool and his money are soon parted.
Well, it won't be long now, fool.
If you don't like the idea of me playing poker here, don't watch.
- You can go upstairs and go to bed.
- I'm gonna stay and watch.
And every time I see 'em do something fishy, I'm gonna give you a signal.
That's what I'm gonna do.
Give you a signal.
Here.
Now, all you gotta do is watch me with this.
I'm warning you now, Pop, you better not do nothing tonight to embarrass me.
- I ain't gonna say another word.
- Good.
- I'll stay out of it.
- Perfect.
- I'll keep quiet.
- Thank you.
You'll lose your shirt.
I thought you said you wasn't gonna say nothing else.
Now, there's the guys.
Remember what I told you, Pop.
You go let 'em in, and I'm gonna go upstairs and get my money.
Rooster and Hucklebuck and Skeeter.
What a bunch of crooks.
- Hey, old man, how you doing? - Hey, man, what's going on? This is some place you got here.
They got as much stuff in here as they got outdoors.
- You must be Rooster.
- No.
I'm Hucklebuck.
Oh.
Then you gotta be Rooster 'cause I bet all my money I know who you are.
You Skeeter Matthews.
You look just like your father Ugly I mean, Arthur Matthews.
You're a card, Pop.
You must be Papa Sanford.
No, I'm Mama Cass.
He something else, ain't he? - Hey! - Lamont, how you doing? - Shall we get to the game? - Yeah! Ain't nothing like friends getting together for a friendly game of poker.
You're gonna try to do it to us again, huh, Louis? - It's Lamont.
- Yeah.
Right.
Here.
We'll play with these.
I just picked them up at the drugstore.
- You don't mind playing with my cards? - No, I don't mind.
- What's the matter with you? - There's bugs around here.
There's no bugs in here.
Would you get away from the table? There's bugs in the house.
Brother, you gonna give us a chance to win back that 15 bucks you won from us? - Hey, that's possible.
- Hey, I got a great idea.
Why don't we make it very interesting? Let's raise the stakes from last time.
No, no, no.
Keep it down.
You start raising the stakes, you take the fun out of it.
When you take the fun out of it, you start losing friends.
Right, Lester? It's Lamont.
- Yeah.
Right.
- Let's raise 'em just a little bit.
Yeah, man, get a little excitement in the game.
- No, no.
I'm against it.
- Yeah, me too.
Hey, what's the matter? You're scared you're gonna lose a few bucks? No, that ain't it.
This man invited us in his house.
We're guests here.
- Right.
Y'all ain't nothing but guests.
- Well, let's ask him.
You don't wanna keep it down to a penny ante game, do ya? - That does seem kind of small.
- Not to me.
Okay.
Well, look, partner.
I mean, it's up to you.
You wanna raise the stakes, we'll raise 'em.
You tell us.
You're the host.
- Okay, we'll raise 'em.
- Yeah, that sounds good.
What are you hitting me for? - What's going on? - There's a bug or something.
- I must have missed him.
- Oh, man.
Then it's two bits to open and table stakes.
- Right.
- First ace deals.
Hey, it's my deal, huh? What are you doing, Pop? What you got? Aces, full of nines.
- I'm gone.
- Four deuces.
That's a shame.
Four threes.
You lose.
Stick with it though, Leonard.
You'll win a hand soon.
- It's Lamont.
- Yeah.
Right.
You're really not doing too good, Lamont.
- You must be lucky in love.
- Oh, yeah.
He got a lot of girls.
All over town.
Call him Sweet Lips Lamont, the dummy Don Juan.
Go back in the kitchen.
You're not exactly bringing me any luck out here.
You think I'm jinxing you? Did you win anything while I was out? Well, play, dummy.
Say, Pop, would you do me a favor? Would you just get away from me? Go do something, all right? Yeah, I'll fix me a nightcap.
- Ante up, Rooster.
- All right, I'm in.
- Hey! - Gettin' it on.
Look at him.
Doing one of those old-timer's dances.
Would you turn that thing off? What's the matter with you? What's the matter with you? What are you trying to do, Pop, blast us out of here? I can't play cards.
I can't even watch you play.
I can't play the radio.
I can't dance.
What can I do? Why don't you go upstairs and go to bed? I ain't sleepy.
Go upstairs, go to bed.
I know what I'll do.
I'll fix something to drink.
- Yeah, how about a Scotch? - Scotch? - That sounds good to me.
- Me too.
Coming up.
Three Scotches.
Coming up.
All righty, this gonna cost you a dollar there, Huck.
I'll raise you two.
- Another two.
- All right, I'll stay.
I call.
Well, bottom's up.
What's the matter with you? He can't drink all of that.
Get it off the table.
It's a quarter to three threes No one in the place Has got less than these So throw 'em in, Joe This little story can save you some dough So throw 'em in, Joe Throw them in, Joe Say, Pop, would you stop it? Go out in the kitchen and get yourself some applejack and take it upstairs and go to bed.
- We're trying to play here.
- I told you I wasn't sleepy.
Bye.
I'm sorry, fellas, but you know how it is when they get to be that age.
- They start acting weird.
- Like my old man, about the same age.
You ought to do what I did.
I got him a television set for his bedroom.
I haven't seen him since 1968.
That's not such a bad idea.
- What's going on with the lights? - Hey, Pop! - Excuse me.
- How are we gonna play in the dark? We're gonna play.
Lights went out, didn't it? Yeah, and I think I know who did it.
- Who? - You.
- Who, me? - No, the switch fell down all by itself.
Well, I'll call the light company and have them fix it in the morning.
Hey, man, the lights are back on.
Come on and play, huh? I know what you're trying to do.
You're trying to break up this card game.
- Let's get the game on, huh? - All right, here I come.
- Leave us alone.
Quit bothering us.
- Well, listen, Lamont.
They're gonna take you for everything you've got.
I'm telling you, they cheatin'.
Would you leave us alone, Pop? Please leave us alone.
And stay here in the kitchen.
That's right.
Stay here in the kitchen.
Don't come through this kitchen door.
You got that? I'm sorry, fellas.
It was a fuse.
I put a penny in.
It's all right now.
- It's all right.
- So where were we? - How many cards you want? - Okay.
Give me one.
It's gonna cost you six bucks.
- All right.
Rooster.
- Give me three, Skeeter.
- Three.
Okay.
You? - Two.
All right.
I'll play with these.
I don't know who that could be.
Excuse me, fellas.
I don't know what's going on.
We're gonna play this game.
What are you doing out here? You told me don't come through the kitchen door.
Let me see that hand.
Listen, Lamont.
This is a sucker's hand.
Don't play this hand.
Don't play no hand they deal you.
- I'm telling you, they cheatin'.
- You already told me that, Pop.
Would you just leave us alone so we could play? Take a walk or something.
Okay, dummy.
Before this game, you was just a plain dummy.
But after tonight, you'll be a broke dummy.
Thank you and good night.
- Hey, fellas, I'm sorry.
- That's all right.
- Let's get to the game.
- It's 16 bucks if you wanna stay.
- He raised it eight.
- Okay.
Sixteen dollars - Again, man? What is it? - Excuse me.
We're playing.
Didn't I tell you - Hey, I'm sorry, man.
- We understand.
We understand.
It's all right.
Sixteen bucks if you wanna stay.
Sixteen bucks.
Excuse me, men.
We'll get this game.
Don't worry about it.
- Hello.
- Lamont, listen.
Don't play that hand.
- Sorry about that.
- That's okay.
We'll play.
We'll play.
Dummy.
- Sorry, men.
- Sure.
Sure.
Listen.
Are you guys hungry? There's some food on the sideboard.
- Let's just play on out this hand.
- Let's play this game.
- Now, it was up to me, right? - Right.
- How much do I have to put up? - Sixteen dollars.
Sixteen dollars.
Right.
Okay.
How did you get upstairs? You know how easy it is climbing through that second-floor window? We gotta get that fixed.
Any burglar could climb right in like I did.
- Leave him alone.
Let's play.
- Put your money where your mouth is.
Stay away from the table, Pop.
Don't come near this table.
All right.
You're gonna put up Don't do it.
- Sixteen bucks if you wanna see me.
- Don't do it.
Don't do it.
- I'll call you.
- All right.
- Full house.
- I got a flush.
- Straight flush.
- Flush is right.
Your money going right down the toilet.
Well, that's it for me.
That cleans me out.
That's a good balance, ain't it? Nothing in your pocket and nothing in your head.
- That's about it then, huh? - Yeah, we might as well split.
Too bad.
Say, wait a minute, fellas.
Why don't you wait around and have a beer? Would you have a beer? No, it's getting kind of late.
Oh, you can take time out for a beer.
You just don't wanna win and run, do you? - All right, we'll have a beer.
- That's good.
Hey, Lamont, go down to the store and get a couple of six-packs.
- What am I supposed to use for money? - Here.
Take this.
Take the truck, in case you have to try to find a store that's open.
Fellas, you think you got time for a few more hands? - Play? With you? - You? Lamont won't let me play.
Maybe we can get a few hands in before he gets back.
No, no.
I think the stakes are a little too high for you, Papa Sanford.
I got money now.
Wait a minute.
Look here.
I got money.
Safe.
Door.
Combination.
Open.
Shoe box.
Top.
Mason jar.
Sock.
Woolite.
Mint government.
Is that enough? - Maybe we do have time for a few.
- Your money's good.
I hope you fellas don't mind playing with a new deck.
See, I got an unopened deck I had for over 25 years.
My wife made me swear I wouldn't play.
So I figure since this is the first time I've played since she passed that it'd be good to play with that deck.
You mean you haven't played cards for over 25 years? Right.
And please forgive a old man.
I'll get my glasses 'cause I don't see too well and I don't wanna make no mistakes.
Yeah, right here.
Still unopened.
Wait.
I hope you'll be patient with a old fellow, but how do you play again? Fellas, where you going? I got the beer.
- You're not leaving, are you? - See you later, Lucas! It's Lamont! Pop, what happened to the fellas? I thought Come on over here, son.
Try on some of this stuff.
I'm sure some of it will fit you.
- Were you playing cards with them? - That's right.
That's impossible.
I wasn't gone long enough for you to win all of this stuff.
You was gone long enough for me.
It didn't Let me see how long you was gone.
Yeah, you were gone long enough for me to beat them crooks.
You know that Skeeter Matthews? He was dealing off the bottom.
Three-finger drag with the thumb on top.
Oldest trick in the business.
If they were cheating, how did you win? I had my own deck, son.
Look here.
Let me show you.
- Now, what you see? - It's three cards faced down.
Okay.
Now look through these.
Eight of hearts six of clubs, three of diamonds.
Hey, Pop, you're slick, you know that? You really did it to 'em.
They did it to you.
I always believe by going by what it say in the Bible.
What? Deal unto others as they have dealt unto thee.
You got a whole lot of money.
Pop, can you let me have ten dollars? Where you going all dressed up? Hey, I got a date.
I called up Sheila.
I'm going out.
- Are you kidding? This time of night? - Yep.
Ain't no way no girl gonna give you no date this late.
Are you serious? I already called her.
I called her up and she said okay.
The only thing she's waiting for is for me to call and tell her I'm on my way.
Hello, Sheila.
Hey, this is Lamont.
Yeah, I know I'm late, but I had to change my clothes and do my mustache.
I'll be there in 15 minutes.
Well, how about ten? Five.
Well, how about if I meet you at the Hello? Hello? Well, Mustache first ace deals.
Sanford and Son is recorded on tape before a live studio audience.