Schmigadoon! (2021) s02e06 Episode Script

1
[UPBEAT ORCHESTRAL MUSIC PLAYING]
[MUSIC DISTORTS, CONTINUES]
[DOOR OPENS, CLOSES]
[FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING]
[HUMMING]
Now we've come to the end ♪
There's no way to pretend ♪
I can't do this anymore ♪
It's over ♪
It's over and done ♪
I gave all that I had ♪
Through the good times and bad ♪
You don't want to say goodbye ♪
But it's over ♪
It's over and done ♪
I know that sometimes what we had ♪
It was good ♪
Sometimes life plays
out just the way ♪
- That it should for us ♪
- [CHORUS] Ooh, ooh, oh ♪
I swear I thought it could for us ♪
- But I'm done ♪
- I'm done ♪
- Holding your hand, hmm ♪
- Holding your hand ♪
I pray you'll understand ♪
[CHORUS] Ooh, you'll understand ♪
No one wants to face the truth ♪
- But it's over, it's over ♪
- Over, over ♪
- It's over, it's over ♪
- Over, over ♪
And ♪
- Done ♪
- We've come to the end ♪
- Now we've come to the end ♪
- There's ♪
- There's no way, no way, no way ♪
- No, no, no ♪
- I know that we tried ♪
- We tried ♪
- We swallowed our pride ♪
- Swallowed your pride ♪
- But deep inside we know ♪
- But deep inside ♪
That something has died ♪
- It's over, it's over, it's over ♪
- Over, over, over ♪
It's over ♪
And done ♪
[CHORUS] Over and done ♪
It's over and over and done ♪
- [VOCALIZES]
- Over and done ♪
It's over ♪
And done ♪
And you just need to sign here,
and here, and here.
Not that it makes a difference,
but what is it that I'm signing?
Uh, your divorce papers,
a marriage license,
and a prenuptial agreement
in case you fail to provide my
client with a suitable male heir.
- Suitable?
- No femmes or fatties.
This is insane.
How are you okay with this?
Kratt is a murderer.
He's holding Josh hostage.
Now, you listen to me, young lady
And just to be clear, we're
basically the same age.
When I became a lawyer, I took an oath.
An oath called
attorney-client privilege.
Which means if someone gives me money,
whatever they've done or may
do one day doesn't matter.
Bobby, how's it coming?
All good, Mr. Kratt. Everything's
signed and legally binding.
[KRATT] Wonderful. You know
how I feel about the law.
That it exists to
protect you and only you.
[KRATT] Exactly.
Thank you, Bobby. You are free to leave.
Ten dollars?
Girl, be corrupt but have some pride.
Hello, my sweet. How are you?
- Honestly, not great.
- Wedding day jitters.
Don't worry. That dress will look
much better when you're standing up.
Where is Josh? If you hurt him
Mr. Skinner will remain unharmed
as long as you do everything
you've been asked to do.
Once we're pronounced man and wife,
he will be released, and then
[MUSIC STARTS]
Oh, no, no, no! Oh, don't you
dare sing to me, you sicko!
I shut down a dream ballet!
I will shut down this!
- Stop the music! Stop!
- [MUSIC STOPS]
All I want is someone to love me.
Oh, yeah, I'm sure you do.
But unfortunately,
that someone isn't me.
My heart belongs to
Josh, and it always will,
and there's nothing you
can do to change that.
The wedding is in one
hour. See you at the altar.
Frau.
[STAMMERS] Please help me. Please.
You're better than this.
You have to be, right?
Maybe I was once, but
that was a long time ago.
I did what I had to do to survive.
I recommend you do the same.
Mr. Kratt is the
wealthiest man in Schmicago.
You will be comfortable, taken care of.
And in a place like
this, that's not nothing.
So, you see [CHUCKLES] we
actually didn't even want to be here.
We were just trying to
get back to Schmigadoon.
It's kind of funny
when you think about it.
- [CHUCKLES] Please let me go.
- Sorry, pal.
You enjoyed your
freedom while you had it.
Now it's time you pay your
dues like the rest of us.
- Like the rest of you?
- Guys like you are lucky.
You and your hippie friends,
you get to live however you like
while slobs like me get
stuck doing all the work.
What's stopping you from
living the life you want?
[PHONE RINGING]
Hello. Uncle Octavius.
[KRATT] There's been a
slight change of plans.
After the wedding, you
need to kill Mr. Skinner.
But I thought the plan
was to release him.
Plans change.
You need to kill him.
It will make it easier for
my new bride to move on.
Okay. But if I do,
will I finally get my own act
at the club like you promised?
I-I don't know if you saw
my latest proposal, but
Kill him.
[LINE DISCONNECTS]
What was that about?
Wrong number.
You literally said, "Uncle Octavius."
So now you're just going to kill me?
I'm sure you've got things
in your job you don't like.
Don't do this.
It's not worth it.
- Uncle Octavius will make it worth it.
- How do you know?
Because he's been promising me
for the past 36 years. That's how.
S Have you ever heard of the
Parable of the Faithful Servant?
- The what?
- Mmm.
There once was a faithful servant
who served a cruel master.
The master kept asking the
servant to do things for him
that the servant knew in
his heart w-were wrong.
But he did them because
he had been promised
that he would inherit all of
his master's riches when he died.
But when the master finally
died, the servant discovered
that he left everything to his
new totally age-inappropriate wife.
And the servant ended up with
nothing but his own broken dreams.
The end.
[GRUNTS]
[CHUCKLES]
I see what you're trying to
do, and it's not gonna work.
Besides, it's too late for me.
It's never too late to
follow your dreams, man.
Have you heard the parable of
the guy who helped the other guy,
and it worked out for both of them?
Gobble, gobble, gobble.
Fill up those tummies.
[GASPS] Mr. Blight, what are you
I need an orphan! Now!
- [ORPHANS] Pick me! Pick me!
- [SHUSHES]
- But the plan.
- The plan failed.
That devil Kratt has
eluded my grasp once again.
Mercy, what happened?
What happened? He's alive.
My Daisy's dead.
My blade requires blood.
So, who wants to go first?
Now, now. Let's not get hasty here.
- Let's wait until
- No more waiting!
You claim to be devoted
to me, Miss Codwell.
Well, now's the time to prove it.
God, that was good.
Come with me.
Nap time! Everybody needs a nap! Now!
Do as you're told.
[GASPS]
[HUFFS]
- [CODWELL SIGHING]
- Mmm.
- [CHUCKLES]
- [CHUCKLES]
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
What do you want?
- Is everything okay?
- We heard screaming.
Did that man harm you?
Are you in danger?
Why'd you call him daddy?
[CHUCKLES]
No, I'm fine. We're fine.
Go back to your rooms.
No one's in any danger.
Actually, that's not
quite true, my sweet.
Last night, I saw Mr. Skinner
being taken at gunpoint
by that crooked policeman, Rivera.
- [GASPS]
- And I did nothing.
We have to help him.
How can we help him? We
don't even know where he is.
[GROANS] I'm sure I can guess.
The same place Rivera took me
20 years ago for questioning.
The basement of Kratt's power plant.
You may get to kill someone yet.
Well, if providence is kind.
[CHUCKLES, SNORTS]
- That was amazing.
- [SIGHS]
You know [SIGHS]
It's so nice for once to get to be
the student instead of the teacher.
[CHUCKLES]
Do you think there's even more
for me to learn about lovemaking?
Yeah, definitely.
It was great.
But, you know, even even
Picasso kept taking lessons.
You know, there's
always, uh, more to learn.
- Great. [CHUCKLES]
- [CHUCKLES]
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
- Go away!
- Come on.
[SIGHS]
Well. At least you're
still getting naked.
What do you want?
Shouldn't you be out following
your new chosen leader, Josh?
Josh is in trouble.
Sergeant Rivera took
him to the power plant
so they can force
Melissa to marry Kratt.
- We obviously don't care about Melissa
- No.
but we didn't know what
to do, so we came to you.
It's true Josh hurt me.
But sometimes, when your
face has been slapped,
you need to turn the other cheek
and let that person slap you again.
- But do you?
- Yeah, that sounds bad.
- Yeah, not the best example, darling.
- Oh.
But no matter what he did,
Josh is still our chum.
And if he needs our help, then
we need to be there for him
no matter what.
You better gas up the
happiness bus. It's on.
[CHEERING] Yes!
[TOPHER] Let's roll.
And not only did Sloth set Chunk free
and get revenge on his evil family,
but he became friends
with all the Goonies
and shared in their bounteous fortune.
- The end.
- [SIGHS] Good.
- Which reminds me of
- [YELPS]
the parable of the dog who was
surprisingly good at basketball.
Start one more parable and
I'll kill you right now.
No, you won't.
Let Josh go now.
Topher?
Josh. I'm so sorry, man.
- A sour macaroon? [CHUCKLES]
- [CHUCKLES]
I don't even know what that means.
No worries. [CHUCKLES] I love you, man.
- I love you too, man.
- [RIVERA] Oh, brother.
If it isn't our troupe of strolling
fruitcakes come to save the day.
With what? Love?
Nice try. I've got this.
Wait.
Love is stronger than any gun.
Are you sure about that?
I'm not sure about that, no.
- [DOOR OPENS]
- Not so fast!
That's right, copper.
- And who the hell are you?
- You don't recognize me, Sergeant Rivera?
Well, I suppose I can't blame you.
It has been 20 years
since you sent me to prison
for the murder of my wife, Daisy.
Dooley Blight?
In the flesh.
And thirsty for revenge.
Wait.
Daisy was my mother's name.
Hello, my daughter.
No.
I have no father.
Jenny. Jenny, believe me,
I never harmed your mother.
I loved her more than life itself.
I wish I could believe
that, but I don't.
I want nothing to do with you.
Then I may as well leave
this hell for the next.
- [MICHAEL, CODWELL] No!
- Stop! Stop!
He's telling the truth.
And I know
because I'm the one who framed him.
Kratt killed your mother, not Dooley.
[GASPS]
- Oh, my Jenny, my Jenny.
- Daddy.
[JENNY SOBS]
- [CRIES]
- All right.
Who wants to help me stop a wedding?
- [CHEERS]
- I do!
[NARRATOR] We are gathered here
today to join Octavius and Melissa
in holy matrimony.
Do you, Octavius, take Melissa
to be your lawful wedded wife?
[GROANS]
I do.
Do you, Melissa, take Octavius
to be your lawful wedded husband?
I have no choice.
That counts!
Then by the power vested in
me by the city of Schmicago,
I pronounce you ma
- Stop the wedding!
- [MELISSA] Josh!
You. How did you
You need to shut your stupid
mouth and get away from my wife.
[CHUCKLES] Adorable.
- Seize him.
- [JOSH] What?
Officers, stand down!
What do you think you're doing?
Standing up to you. For once.
And so am I.
Enough is enough, Octavius!
I'm afraid the two of you
have overplayed your hand.
They don't answer to
you. They answer to me.
- [INHALES DEEPLY] Take him away. Now.
- [GRUNTS]
I love you, Mel! And I'm so
sorry for this whole mess!
I love you too! No matter what
happens, I'll always love you!
Enough of this prattle.
Pronounce us man and wife.
By the power vested in me
by the city of Schmicago,
I now pronounce you
- Vengeance!
- Dooley Blight?
- Is mine!
- No, Daddy, no!
[GASPS, BREATHES SHAKILY]
[SIGHS]
[KRATT CHUCKLES, INHALES DEEPLY]
[CHUCKLES]
You just keep on losing,
don't you, Blight?
[GUESTS GASPING]
[KRATT] Not so fast, my sweet.
Finish the ceremony.
Mr. Kratt, as your lawyer, I must
advise Myself to sit back down.
Finish it!
Okay, um, then by the power
vested in me by the city Schmicago,
- I pronounce you man and
- Look up!
- [GUESTS SCREAMING]
- [JOSH] Get out the way!
Oh, shit.
[WEDDING GUESTS SCREAM]
Oh!
[EXHALES SHARPLY] Seriously? Again?
It really is a wonderful knife.
[SIGHS]
My love.
- Are you all right? [SIGHS]
- Yeah, I am now.
- I love you.
- I love you.
Is he dead?
He is kaput ♪
Yes, he's kaput ♪
[TOWNSFOLK GASPS]
He ran the town and kept us down ♪
Now the shoe's on the other foot ♪
In mansions he did dwell ♪
But now he's burning in hell ♪
We're all so glad that he's kaput ♪
I'll drink to that ♪
Now that Kratt is dead, things
are about to change in Schmicago.
[NARRATOR] Madam Frau
will take over the club
and use her position to
promote exciting new talent.
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING, CHEERING]
I'm gonna put on my fishnets ♪
And get as wet as the fish gets ♪
Whoo ♪
[NARRATOR] Like ex-Sergeant Rivera.
Bobby will team up with the tribe
to split up Kratt's monopolies,
and something incredible will happen.
They all get jobs!
While Topher and Jenny will find
the perfect home for their talents
at the orphanage.
Because Miss Codwell and Dooley
will go into business together
and make a killing.
So, Josh and Melissa now finally have
the happy ending they've been seeking
and are free to leave Schmicago
and go back to their world.
[INHALES DEEPLY]
But why would they?
Why return to a place you
were so desperate to leave?
Where bad people triumph,
good people suffer,
and some couples, no matter
how badly they want it,
will never ever have children?
[SCOFFS] Sure, you You probably
feel like you've learned something
on your brief sojourn here.
And now life is gonna
be so much better. Right?
Ooh ♪
Ooh ♪
Didn't you feel that way
when you left Schmigadoon?
That you had gotten your happy ending,
that everything was gonna
be okay from here on out?
But it wasn't, was it?
The magic wore off.
Magic always does,
except here in Schmicago.
Stay here in Schmicago ♪
Our fantastical farrago ♪
- Here you could be a star.
- A beloved leader.
Here all of your dreams
can actually come true.
Stay here in ♪
Stay here in ♪
Stay here in Schmicago ♪
Schmicago ♪
Thanks to you, things are
getting better here for all of us.
You can't leave now. Things
are just getting good!
Add 'em up, kiddos. Add 'em up.
Stay ♪
So, what's it gonna be? The
joyless drudgery of life out there?
Or the magic and excitement here?
What are you thinking?
What are you thinking?
I think
All that he said was true ♪
There are no guarantees
for me and you ♪
And magic is great
every now and then ♪
But I want more ♪
[NARRATOR] More what?
More uncertainty? More joylessness?
The world can be cold and dark ♪
But when we connect,
it makes a spark ♪
And maybe that spark
will go out again ♪
But I want more ♪
The only place you're gonna get
what you really want is here.
I can tell just what you're feeling ♪
There are things you can't conceal ♪
Sometimes life can send you reeling ♪
But what we want ♪
All that we want ♪
Is something real ♪
[INHALES SHARPLY] Sorry.
We're gonna miss you guys.
All of you.
But it's time for us to go.
Are you sure?
It's gonna be a constant struggle
with more bad days than good ones.
And a very good chance you'll
end up right back where you were.
We know.
- But isn't that the whole point?
- [CHUCKLES]
- [EXCLAIMS]
- Oh!
You did it! You did it! I knew you
would! I knew you had it in you!
What?
I'm so sorry putting
you through all this.
I really am, but I had to test you.
And you passed the test, didn't ya!
[CHUCKLES]
[TOWNSFOLK CHUCKLING]
Wait, you're smiling?
Why are you smiling?
- Because he works for me.
- [JOSH] For you?
Yeah, about that. I'm not
doing this narrator gig no more.
I'm tired of helping people
figure out their lives.
I want a life of my own! With romance!
And it's gonna be with him.
I don't hate it.
And that's the moment the
Narrator's life changed.
- [TOWNSFOLK] Aw!
- Okay, I'm happy for you.
Thank you.
So, can we go home now?
You can go home, yes, you can go
home, but that's just the beginning!
What's more important is what
you'll take with you when you go!
[EXCLAIMS]
- [YELPS]
- Whoa!
Wait a minute. Is Isn't that
My brother.
He's a little more traditional
than I am, but I still love the guy.
- Shall we, Oscar?
- Of course, Steve.
[CHUCKLES]
This world is a big old mess ♪
Of pain and stress ♪
And people dragging you down ♪
There's little chance of success ♪
The bad guy's always winning ♪
Happy endings don't exist ♪
But here's a pearl
you may have missed ♪
Every day can be a happy beginning ♪
A happy beginning ♪
This life's filled with sad goodbyes ♪
And cloudy skies ♪
And days that don't seem to end ♪
The lows far exceed the highs ♪
There's not much cause for grinning ♪
Happy endings don't exist ♪
But here's a pearl
you may have missed ♪
Every day can be ♪
A happy beginning ♪
A happy beginning ♪
And with you I'm okay ♪
I'm okay ♪
We're okay ♪
We'll get through one more day ♪
One more day ♪
This world is a big old mess ♪
Of pain and stress ♪
And people dragging you down ♪
There's little chance of success ♪
The bad guy's always winning ♪
Happy endings don't exist ♪
But here's a pearl
you may have missed ♪
Every day can be a happy beginning ♪
A happy beginning ♪
A happy beginning A happy beginning ♪
This world is a big old mess ♪
Of pain and stress ♪
And people dragging you down ♪
There's little chance of success ♪
The bad guy's always winning ♪
Happy endings don't exist ♪
But here's a pearl
you may have missed ♪
Every day can be a happy beginning ♪
A happy beginning ♪
A happy beginning ♪
A happy beginning ♪
Now we've come to the end ♪
There's no way to pretend ♪
I can't do this anymore ♪
It's over ♪
It's over and done ♪
No one wants to face the truth ♪
- But it's over, it's over, it's over ♪
- Over, over, over ♪
It's over ♪
And done ♪
Over and done ♪
It's over and over and done ♪
- [VOCALIZES]
- Over and done ♪
It's over ♪
And done ♪