Scrubs s02e06 Episode Script

Even close friends disagree about decisions.
- This one? - You want a clear shower curtain? Just nude up in the living room and spray me down.
If you're self-conscious I can doodle in chest hairs where you'd stand.
I have a chest hair.
I named him Clancy.
- And then it happened.
- Can I help you, sir? - Can't believe she called me sir.
- She called me mister.
- Maybe it's because you're bald.
- I'm not bald.
I shave my head.
- Well, then let it grow back.
- Careful, honey.
We're practically kids.
What you doing for Halloween tomorrow? We used to dress up as pigs and hit every bar in town.
You have not lived until you've seen a drunken pig do the robot.
Not what you used to do, what you're doing this Halloween.
- We got plans.
- Big plans.
- Watch TV and sleep.
- Yeah, pretty much.
- I may take a bath first.
- Bubbles? Give me some.
It was sad cos I was starting to think I'd never feel like a kid again.
Hey, little brother! It's the headlocking Dan.
- What are you doing here? - It's funny, Vivian.
I was about to ask you the same question, seeing as I paged you four minutes and 38 seconds ago.
My big brother Dan.
He showed up unexpected.
- Four minutes and 44 seconds.
- Easy there, Chief.
Have one of those nurses pour you a big glass of calm-down juice.
It's so interesting, I found I couldn't sleep last night, so to pass the time, I made a list of things that annoy me more than you.
I came up with people who call Wednesdays "hump day.
" and, of course, all Sandra Bullock movies.
Now I'm thrilled to announce, your brother tops Chief, does this speech have an intermission? I got to take a whizz.
Actually, I'm not so keen on nicknames from guys that barely know me.
Actually, why don't you tell me what you are keen on? - Oh, Dan, no.
- Where's the crapper? What brings you to town? Some guy hired me to fly here, drive his Mercedes back.
It's an easy way to pick up extra cash.
- Plus you get to hang out with Bambi.
- Maybe he'll let that go.
Bambi? - It's a term only Carla uses.
- I respect that, Bambi.
Smart.
You do not want to get on his bad side and suffer the wrath of Bambi.
Why are you here? Room 31 0's tests came back negative.
I thought you'd want to give him the news.
- Let me do it.
- What? - I can be a doctor.
- I can't let you tell him.
I won't call you Bambi anymore.
It was touch and go.
You're a fighter.
You pulled through.
We'll get you out of here today.
Keep an eye on those rickles.
- Rickles is my last name.
- You bet it is.
Do you have kids? - Two.
- That's what I'm saying.
Watch the little Rickles.
Children are our future.
Doctor, we need you.
Bambi, I'm busy.
It's hard to find a good male nurse these days.
Am I right? Dan wasn't just the captain of every team.
He was the mayor of high school.
The jocks dug him, the burn-outs dug him, - the nerds worshipped him.
- What about you? - He mentioned nerds.
- Why hurt me? I thought I'd be cool in high school, then my dad made me play the tuba and I developed massive forearms.
Half-way through the prom, my gloves exploded like I was the lncredible Hulk.
It's sexy to dance with a woman who can lift her partner over her head.
It's nice when your friends and family click.
It makes you feel like Wait a second, is she still laughing? Stop your laughing.
It makes you look like a whore! Joking.
I appreciate everything you did for my husband.
The funeral's tomorrow.
I'd love if you attended.
Unfortunately, I'm in surgery all day.
But, I'm sorry for your loss.
Dodging the funeral? Nice.
Excuse me? Just a veteran move from the baby-faced sophomore.
The whole "I'm sorry for your loss" thing was a little Hallmarky, but darn it all if you're not showing just a ton of promise.
If I could be there, I'd be there.
Wait a second.
You treated him, right? So you should want to go too.
Right? Gandhi, for your information, I attended that vegetable's funeral every time I set foot in his room over the last six weeks.
Thank God the family moved him to surgery where you guys were good enough to help him kick that nasty oxygen habit he had.
That's great.
Make jokes.
I wish I could be an insensitive, cynical robodoc like you, but unfortunately, I don't hate the world enough.
You know what I'm saying, Chief? Would people please stop calling me Chief? Hey, numbnuts.
Dan, remember when we were kids and every Halloween you used to try and scare the crap out of me? I remember that.
So while I'm here we should play some frisbee golf, maybe give Dad a call, and make sure I sleep with that Elliot chick.
That's a little weird for me cos I don't know if you know this but, we used to be intimate.
Intimate? What did you do? Bathe her? Yeah, once, but she was wearing a swimsuit.
I'll back off.
It's gonna be tough.
She sounds kind of wild.
Can't teach it.
You got an opposable thumb.
You can use it.
God, I hate Halloween.
Somebody needs to adjust their attitude if they want candy.
You mean the popcorn balls and the deformed lollipops? Honestly, where do you get this crap? I made it.
If you want name-brand candy, my fist is packed with peanuts.
Of course it is.
Did Raggedy Ann scare you? What are you, a rat? - Don't listen to him.
- I never do.
Dr Cox, your intern asked for a surgical consult on Mr Carney.
- Yeah.
- I suggest you do a fem-pop bypass.
Mr Carney's a frail old man who'd probably snap in half from a light sponge bath.
If we do surgery, we could improve his quality of life.
The guy's 1,000.
Is he gonna take a steamer over to Europe open a café and finally meet that I've made my recommendation.
You stood up for what you believe in.
I respect that.
- 20 bucks says you kill him.
- You're on.
You got it, baby.
I need some sugar over here.
Can anyone tell me the dermatologic condition associated with Rhinophyma? Dr Murphy? Could it be psoriasis? And yet further proof that the clown costume is redundant.
If any of you other would-be revellers get the urge to dress up on this, the mother of all non-holidays, please consider me the razor blade in your caramel apple.
We're professionals, damn it! You know, it's nothing personal, son, you just make me sick.
He called me son! Score.
You going to lunch with your brother? Yeah, I would've invited you, but I made the reservation for two.
- So change it.
- I'm not gonna mess with that hostess.
- She uses sharp tones.
- Yeah, right.
Three seconds to give me the real reason I can't come, or I'm coming.
Three, two, one.
Because I need special time with my brother.
- Trick.
- Excuse me? I figure you got to be wondering am I gonna get a trick or am I gonna get a treat? - You'll be getting a trick.
- Whatever.
It'll be fast and you won't even know it's me.
- You just told me it was gonna be you.
- You'll still have your doubts.
The best part is you're gonna be nervous all day about it cos it could happen at any time.
Like now! That wasn't it.
Fun, though.
False alarm, boys.
All right.
Here we go, Mr Carney.
Dr Wen, I want you to stay focused.
I want Dr Wen to be Dr Zen, man.
Christopher, after 1 5 years and over 1 0,000 surgeries, I can do without the pep talk.
Message received, sir.
I believe in you.
Big deal, we're having lunch together.
It doesn't have to be awkward.
- What's my bro like in the sack? - What? You do not have to answer that.
If he tries hard, but there's room for improvement, sip your drink.
- What? I was thirsty.
- Ask me if she could be better.
What? Thirsty.
I wasn't thirsty.
Stable condition.
What time is it? Time to dance.
- Pay the man.
- There you go.
Hello, Mr Jackson.
I want to introduce you to the Washington brothers.
Y'all get nice and cosy up in my wallet.
Before you get too high on your horse, Tonto, I feel it's my duty to remind you of something.
See, you just made a $20 bet on whether a fellow human being would live or die.
Now tell me, just exactly how does that make you feel, Mr Sensitive? Pretty good? All the best.
Why'd you drive someone else's car across country? It's a great way to make 300 bucks.
What do you do that you can take time off? - I tend bar.
- But not just any bar.
It's "the" bar.
When the college kids come home, it's where they go.
- I go there when I'm home.
- So you live in your home town? I take care of my mom's place so she let's me stay with her.
Dan, you don't stay with her.
Come on, he's not like Greg Brady in the attic with beads for a door.
He totally has his own space.
More like Kirk Cameron in the last season of Growing Pains when he lived above the garage with Boner.
Anyone? No.
Am I the only one? Boner? That's when I realised that even though I was jealous, that's not why I was trying to keep Elliot and Dan apart.
Dan's doing great.
The real reason was that I was ashamed of my brother.
And I think he knew it too.
You two should probably get back to work.
These heated seats are amazing.
They make my butt tingle.
Every time you say that, an angel gets their wings.
It's a sweet ride, but as JD has made clear, I could never afford this car.
Would you please just let it go? - So I'll see you.
- Not if I see you first.
I knew my brother would handle this like he always did when there was an emotional conflict between us.
- Can you work the windows from there? - No.
Why? Oh, God Please tell me that that was the horn.
- There's your heated seat, my friend.
- God, it's everywhere.
Do you have any idea how long I've been waiting on you? Next time, if you're not here in 30 minutes, I expect a free dead body or some garlic knots.
Dr Kelso, that's extremely insensitive.
I don't think so.
Miss Parker, you care to weigh in? Nope, she's fine with it.
She knows a thing or two.
Except, of course, that a yellow light means to slow down.
You're not understanding what I'm trying to say.
- Kitty, this sucks.
- How can I make it better? - Thank you so much for coming.
- We've been looking forward to this.
You know, ever since he he died.
- Hey, you OK? - Yeah, why wouldn't I be? You and your brother.
The tension was palpable.
I wanted to say something.
I was this close to getting back in the car.
That wouldn't have been wise.
No, thank you, we're fine.
Damn you, you dirty ape! Babe, you have got to try one of these.
They are to die for.
I'm sorry for your loss.
Go ahead.
Try one.
Mother, this is Dr Turk, the surgeon that worked so hard.
Oh, please, it's the least I could do for You see, he doesn't even remember his name.
No, no, no I remember his name.
His name was His name was was You know, we used to call him Old Chicken Neck.
This is the problem with doctors today.
They don't care.
No, it's just that recently I've had a lot of patients.
So it I've gotten I've been really busy.
Not too busy to come here in the middle of the day and stuff your face for free.
- Damn you, woman.
- Ladies, please.
This is a good, caring doctor.
He did everything he could for Bob.
Right.
This is Bob.
That's Bob? Like for apples, you know, bob.
I get it.
Let's see how tough you are without your costume on.
Go ahead and knock the folders out of my hand now.
- What costume? - You weren't wearing a gorilla suit? Is someone running around in a gorilla suit? What's he look like? - A gorilla.
- No, it's not me.
- Why knock the folders from my hand? - Because you asked me to.
Here you go.
- I didn't ask you to do that.
- That comes free with the folder knock.
- How are you doing? - Good, sir.
I don't have time to stand and flirt.
There have been rumblings that you let your brother play doctor the other day.
Dr Kelso, l If I had one shred of evidence that incident actually took place, you'd be working with my nephew Francis so fast it'd make your head spin.
- Sir, I don't follow.
- He cleans pools.
I forgot you didn't know.
I trust we will not be seeing your brother in the hospital.
Not inside, no.
My God, I'm totally going to hell.
Turk, wait, people get thrown out of funerals every day.
Why are you laughing? Off the top of my head, I'd say it's because he's suffering.
Of course, I love the poetry of someone putting himself on a pedestal then getting knocked back down into this puddle of self-hatred - with the rest of us.
- Did you do this to him? I don't know.
Does anybody ever really do anything to anybody else? You're gonna tell me why you did this and it better be good.
How does "for poops and giggles" grab you? Isn't there something you want to talk about? Like cars or sports or boobs.
Boobs.
Remember Fred Keifer's mom? She wore a tank top to Fred's 1 3th birthday party.
She taught us how to bob for apples and three guys passed out.
Great story.
Now how about something with more substance? - Remember the cans on Pat Clark's mom? - Those were awesome.
Forget it.
Elliot, come on.
What does she expect us to talk about? Maybe that you're embarrassed by me you make excuses to your friends about how I live my life.
Oh, yeah.
We're working hard on a cure.
- Let's go.
Field trip.
- I got things to do.
Off to another funeral? Come with me and if you're late for the graveyard, I'll scour the obituaries with you this weekend and we can go nuts.
- Carla put you up to this? - My idea.
I want to be close with you.
I just can't figure out how.
Turn around.
Turn around.
You see Dr Wen in there? He's explaining that something went wrong and the patient died.
He's gonna tell them what happened, say sorry, then he's going back to work.
You think anybody else in that room is going back to work today? That is why we distance ourselves.
That's why we make jokes.
We don't do it because it's fun.
We do it so we can get by.
And sometimes because it's fun.
But mostly it's the getting by thing.
And by the way Bob.
Who doesn't get that? We're proud you became a doctor, but just because I haven't achieved as much - doesn't mean I don't like what I do.
- Nothing wrong with being a bartender.
- I like living with Mom.
- She makes great eggs.
All in all, I'm pretty damn happy.
I'm happy, you know.
And now for the apology.
That's a load of crap.
Look, I know you, OK? The reason you wanted to pretend you're a doctor is cos you hate working in that bar and you wanted to feel like somebody.
You're not driving that car across the country for the $300.
You're doing it cos you like how you feel when you drive it.
The funny thing is you could be that guy.
But you're afraid that if you have to try at something, you might fail, and that's not a chance you're willing to take.
What can I say? It's been a real pleasure seeing you.
Right then, I knew I'd never see my brother the same way again.
You can never let go of the kid inside of you.
That girl in the wolf outfit is checking you out.
I'd let her blow my house down.
You know what I'm saying? You see, it's the kid inside of us that keeps us from going crazy.