Shoresy (2022) s02e06 Episode Script
Accountability
1
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Operator: This
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Operator: This hit
Operator: This hit go
Operator: This hit goes
Operator: This hit
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Operator: This hit
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Mr. Wick.
("Got Ur Self a Gun"
by Nas plays)
Woke up this mornin' ♪
42 regular, was it?
Yeah.
You got yo'self a gun ♪
And so it begins.
Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
Got yo'self a gun ♪
Yo, I'm livin' in this time
behind enemy lines so ♪
I got mine,
I hope you ♪
Got yo'self a gun ♪
♪
Challenge him to single combat.
If you win
you'll have your freedom.
And when I see you
I'ma take what I want so ♪
(upbeat music)
(camera shutter snaps)
Try one leaning on your stick.
Tighten up, slut.
What if you do one
looking over your shoulder
at the camera?
No, no, no, no.
No?
(speaking French)
- Why not?
- Soft.
I think the b'ys should be
goin' only so far with all this.
Fine.
(Hitch scoffs)
What're ya doin', me son?
- What're you doin'?
- Your face?
- Huh?
- Bro.
- What's he doin'?
- What's it look like?
- Why does he have his tarp on?
- What?
(Shoresy): Huh?
- Why would he have
his tarp off?
- Because if I'm a broad
lookin' at a sexy calendar
o' dudes,
I'm probably hopin'
they have their tarps off.
Your face is orange.
It looks like you ate
an Oompa Loompa's mitt.
What the fuck is wrong
with you, dude?
You look like the tip
of Chester Cheetah's dick,
my guy.
- Did you get a spray tan?
Well, I thought everybody
would have a spray tan.
- Why?
- Because if I'm a broad
lookin' at a sexy calendar
o' dudes,
I'm probably hopin'
they have a spray tan.
Settle down.
And what's with
the sunglasses?
- Me?
- Oh, my God.
After I got the spray tan,
I looked at myself in the mirror
and the whites of my eyes
were so white
it kinda freaked me out.
Does no one else think
that this is hilarious?
- Wanna get lippy?
- Just take them off.
Take your top off too.
Let's have a look at you.
I'm gonna wait 'til the grease
down to take my tarp off.
- Grease down?
- Oh, my God.
So dumb!
Why would you have
a grease down?
Because if I'm a broad
looking at a sexy calendar
o' dudes, I'm probably hopin'
they're greased down!
How is that shade
of orange even an option?
I mean, it's almost offensive.
- Shut the fuck up, Michaels!
Is your whole body
that colour?
- Yeah!
- Even your junk?
- Yeah.
- Nice.
- They did your junk, too?
- I did my own junk.
- How?
- You just take the spray gun
and you spray your junk.
A monkey could do it.
- Did you do your butthole, too?
- Let's just get these guys
greased down and spray tanned
so we can be done with it.
You want everyone
to get a spray tan?
- Well, except Dolo.
- Why not Dolo?
Well, he can if he wants to.
He's included. You're an idiot.
- This is a bit much.
- You look ill.
You've been a real cunt
since you got good hair, Ziig.
- Why did you do all this?
- Because a year ago,
you were gonna fold the team.
We couldn't win a game.
But then you kept
the team together
and we won the league.
Now no one can beat us.
So, if you say you want us
to do a sexy calendar so that
you can host the National
Senior Tournament
So we can.
Sudbury.
- For the community.
- By the community.
What are you trying
to say, Shoresy?
Whatever
(chokes back tears)
you need from me.
- Give your balls a tug.
- Ugh!
I got you.
(soft electronic pop music)
Go get a spray tan.
Then come back here,
take your tarps off
and get a grease down.
- Yes, sir.
- You sluts are gonna
make me some money.
You're up first, captain.
(music intensifies)
(music stops abruptly)
(Hitch): Now the b'ys just
has to decide,
do we wanna be the best team
in the league this year,
or do we wanna be the best
team in the league ever?
(car horn honks)
(chuckles)
What are you doing?
I can't.
- What?
- Gotta go home.
- Why?
- Accountability.
I wouldn't ask you guys
to do anything
that I wouldn't do myself.
I could've gone home last night
with a girl I've been trying
to take home
for a year, and I didn't.
- Laura?
- No.
Well, that's who you've been
trying to take home for a year.
It wasn't Laura Mohr.
That's account--
If it wasn't Laura Mohr,
who was it?
Buddy, I got broads
from North Bay to Blind River
who want me to bang 'em.
- Nice.
Fuckin' broads
from Timiskaming to Nipissing
want me to dink 'em.
- Well, it's alls I'm sayin'--
Fuckin' Manitoulin
to Magnetawan, bitch.
- Well, come on out of it then.
- What are you even doin' here?
- I can wait in the bat'room.
- Yeah, just give us five.
Accountability.
(Hitch): Frankie,
tell Laurence not to leave
her tampons on the counter.
(Big Sexy): Tit fucker.
- No, those are Frankie's.
Laurence leaves hers
under the sink.
(chuckles)
(in French): Nothing.
I withstanded from sex.
- Withstood.
- Withstood from it?
- Just withstood.
- I didn't smash her,
not Laura Mohr, okay?
Two nights before our final game
with the Yanks.
Mm-hmm. But I'm not here
to tell you to
(snaps fingers)
- Refrain.
- Refrain it?
- Refrain from it.
I'm not here to tell you
not to hammer ass.
But you need
to be accountable.
Right? You never
got any legs in the third
'cause ya already played
a period between the sheets.
If you wanna hammer ass all day,
ya can't be doggin' it
come game time.
When's the last time
you had a Pogo?
Hitch, ya got a dip?
(Hitch): Can I come where
you're to now, or what?
- No just a sec.
- Okay, just let me know
and I'll come where you're at.
- Let's listen up here now.
You got teammates
that rely on you.
And a whole town
that's depending on you.
You need to be accountable.
So maybe you try, just once,
not hammerin' ass,
all night,
the night before a game.
Dolo?
- Goody?
- Settle down.
Fuckin' eh.
Little accountability
in here, boys.
Let's get some accountability
goin' here now.
(Shoresy): Home.
(Hitch): B'ys, I'll pay
a loonie for a martoonie.
(Nat): Alright. Let's hear it.
(Ziig): 30 grand total
in calendar sales.
(Miig): Give or take.
(Nat): Nice work, sluts.
(Ziig): 30 fucking grand.
(Nat): And what did The Man
Advantage bring us up to?
(Ziig): 40.
(Miig): Give or take.
(Nat): Still 10 short.
(Ziig): But 40 fucking grand.
(Nat): Well, ladies, ideas?
(Dad): Let's say a prayer.
God is good,
God is great,
we thank him our food. Amen.
(all): Amen.
Uh, should we be saying
a prayer
for the Sudbury
Blueberry Bulldogs?
- They don't need it.
- Yeah, we'll give 'em
a cheers then, instead.
Now, I don't wanna
mention winnin'
'cause I don't wanna jinx it,
so I will just say
ya don't wanna lose
to the Yanks.
Cheers!
(all): Cheers!
(bottles and glasses clanging)
- And welcome, Mikey.
- So, Mikey
- Here we go.
- What's wrong with just Mike?
- Waffle.
I like it. It's fun.
Not sayin' there's anything
wrong with it.
- It's playful.
- Just sayin' Mikey Tyson
doesn't have quite
the same weight to it.
- You go by Shoresy, idiot.
- That was aggressive.
- Why are you telling me?
- You wanna see aggressive?
I think it might be time
for you to go use
some pot, Free. Chillax.
No one here uses pot,
if your parents ask.
Maybe not anyone here
right this second,
but it smells like Free
was using in her car before.
- Bro--
- Shut up.
- Me?
- Him.
So, what do you like
to do for fun, Mikey?
- Um
- He likes E-sports.
- E-sports?
- Video games, Dad!
- He likes video games.
- Oh.
It's legit, Waffle.
There's like,
tournaments and leagues.
- Mitch Marner owns a league.
E-sports are like,
really popular.
Doesn't make 'em respectable.
(slurps soup)
So, how many people play
in your league, Mikey?
Yeah, Mikey,
what's the concussion protocol
in your league?
- What colour
are most of the kids?
- What's the trophy
you play for, the fuckin'
Reese Peanut Butter Cup?
I heard Mikey's the hardest
workin' player in his league.
Hardest worker? Only thing
these guys play through
is having to fuckin' pee
from drinkin' fuckin' pop.
- Waffle!
- I only do it
'cause I love you, Kayla.
He gets vetted
just like everybody
who wants to date my family.
Amen.
Except Free, since she
was already in the family.
(Mo laughs)
Hey, Mikey,
speaking of embarrassing,
why don't you ask Shoresy
about the time
his ninth grade girlfriend
came running into my room
crying 'cause he couldn't
get it up?
- I didn't wanna get it up.
- Oh?
Mikey, if she saw
that big dink, boy,
she'd really be crying.
- Oh, my God.
(Shoresy): I was just
lookin' out for her.
- Were ya?
- She'd never be
the same after that!
- What's it?
Kid's got her whole
life ahead of her.
Was that Sarah?
(Shoresy): That's somebody's
daughter, you know?
- Amber.
I said you think you want it.
You got no idea
what you're gettin'
yourself into here.
- Okay, Waffle.
Who knows where
she'd be today.
(laughs)
- Don't feel too bad for him,
though. Looks like everything
was workin' just fine
on our family vacation in Cuba.
Free.
When he was makin' out
with a girl that was a guy?
(inhales deeply)
That's the fuckin'
hottest guy I ever seen.
- She was a real hot guy.
- Dad!
- He thought she was hot too!
- Hot guy.
A lot can happen after
10 beers, huh, Waffle?
Mikey, I thought
she was a girl.
- She was a real hot guy.
- Good lips.
- Dad!
- Those gals pay good money
to get themselves
lookin' like that.
So, you can't be too shocked
if they get the odd one by ya.
I don't think it's fair if
they don't tell ya up front.
- And really good on him.
- I'll tell you who this
whole thing is most unfair to,
is girls who already look
a little bit like guys.
(Shoresy laughs)
- Dad!
I'm just sayin',
the way things are goin',
if she looks a little bit
like a guy,
you've gotta mind,
she probably really is one.
Time to pull a U-ey.
Hey, what else ya got, Free?
This is batting practice.
(Mo sighs)
- Go Bulldogs.
Go get 'em, yeah?
(Shoresy): We will.
- I love you.
- Love you, too.
(indistinct chatter)
Okay.
Love you, bro.
(Shoresy): Love you, too.
Hey, good luck.
Go get that record.
- We will.
- W, baby. W.
W.
(Mo): Don't let me down, boy.
(Shoresy): We won't.
Don't forget what I taught ya.
If you can't win, don't play.
(Dad): Come here, you.
(Mo): Love you, bro.
(Shoresy): Love you, bro.
(Dad sighs)
I'm so proud of you, son.
So, so proud of you.
Are you crying?
I love you.
(Shoresy): Love you, too.
(Free grunts then laughs)
(laughing)
(Mo speaks indistinctly)
I'm glad we're all so close.
Hey, success isn't success
unless you have someone
to share it with. Yeah?
(emotional R&B music)
(♪)
(music intensifies)
(music fades)
(rock music)
Anik Archambault here
joined by panelists
Jay Onrait, Tessa Bonhomme,
and the man they call RA.
Mesdames and messieurs,
the Sudbury Blueberry Bulldogs.
Persimmon Pomapoos
would sound tougher.
It's all hands on deck
for what could very well be
a record-setting night
in the Soo.
- Wait, Soo Ontario or
- Soo Michigan, baby.
The Bulldogs Bluester Club
will reportedly
be out in numbers in hope
of seeing their team
make some history stateside.
Long way to go for
the Tangerine Toy Poodles.
There's no shortage of bad
blood between these two teams
as Shoresy took clear aim
at new additions
Delaney, Palmer, and Schnurr
in their last contest.
Let's have a look
at excerpts from that edition
of Bulldogs Mic'd UP.
Schnurr! Hey Delaney,
know where we can
get some nose beers?
(Delaney): Yeah, I've got a guy.
Let's get a couple grams,
go on OnlyFans.
Hey, fell asleep
in the recliner the other night.
Thought of you.
Can you even cross over,
Palmer, you big, dumb fuck?
- Shut the fuck up, Shoresy!
I hope your guys bring
their A-game.
Americans hate
losing to Canadians.
Canadians hate
losing to Americans.
- Can't we all just get along?
- Hell no.
- Hard no.
- I know!
And now it's up
to the Bulldogs.
Do they wanna be the best
team in the league this year,
or do they wanna be the best
team in the league, ever?
(electronic dance music)
(♪)
(♪)
(Liam): Well, well, well,
look who finally came around.
Not too worried about getting
your dink sucked tonight, eh?
Got my dink sucked
this morning.
- You wish Sanger good luck?
- I'm his good luck charm.
Kee-he-he!
You gonna go say
hi to Schnurr?
- Already did.
- Woman!
This guy's gonna be
Mr. Nat pretty soon.
- No.
- Could do worse.
I already got what
I was after there.
Woman!
You don't date sluts,
you just take 'em down.
Make 'em empty the dishwasher
on the way out.
I needed a different favour.
Getting the fitted sheet
on the mattress?
A pregame stop at
the Sudbury Kids Sport Report.
- Woman!
- You're a genius.
How'd you get him to do that?
- He has cancer.
- What kind?
Doesn't matter.
We're doin' this for him.
- Fuck sakes.
- Don't swear.
We ready? Okay.
Hi, I'm Jory Jordan,
this is the Sudbury
Kids Sports Report, US Edition.
I'm here with three members
of the Soo Hunt.
Gentlemen, please state
your name and ethnicity.
- Ethnicity?
- If you know it.
Pal, I don't think
that's important.
You don't think
race is important?
Okay, we'll skip
the land acknowledgement.
You all played
a stint in the show.
Yes.
Palmer, Delaney did
too much coke.
How'd you fuck it up?
Schnurr, would you agree
that Palmer looks like
he did more coke than Delaney?
- Listen, kid--
- Just a sec.
Hello.
Alright, everybody,
listen up here.
Let's listen up here now.
60 miles from something
real shiny tonight here, boys.
Let's turn that 23-game heater
into 24!
Hitch, you ready?
- Yes, b'y!
Good, 'cause you're goin'!
(players): Yaa-hoo!
Dolo, you ready?
Good, 'cause you're goin'!
(players): Yaa-hoo!
- Goody, you ready?
- Ready to rip, Sanguinet.
Good, 'cause you're goin'!
(players): Yaa-hoo!
Frankie, ya got a couple
in ya tonight?
Good, 'cause you're goin'!
(players): Yaa-hoo!
- Shoresy, you ready?
- Yew-hew!
Good, 'cause you're goin'!
(players): Yaa-hoo!
Michaels, you got one more
in ya
for the regular season, buddy?
- Oh, you know it, Sanger.
Good, 'cause you're goin'!
(players): Yaa-hoo!
Nothing comes easy
against the Americans.
You'll have to work
for every inch.
They're gonna line match
Palmer against Shoresy tonight
so, Jim
- Yeah?
- Jim?
- Yes.
- Jim?
- You say jump,
we say how high, Sanger.
We're relying on you
to take him out early.
Ya gotta set the tone!
We'll start
with Shoresy's line,
but get control of the puck
and get off the ice.
Let the Jims do their thing.
- You good, Jim?
- Yeah.
- Jim?
- Yes.
- Jim?
- We've overcome a lot
of adversity this season.
Both personally and as a team.
We found Michaels,
who's helping our
Reach For The Top
team go to sectionals.
And boys, I found someone
to share my success with.
I found someone
knows me name, b'ys.
A girl who just wants
to hang out, play some tunes.
Laurence Leboeuf.
(all): Laurence Leboeuf.
Goody? Dolo?
Did ya hammer ass all night?
Really?
Accountability.
Hey!
(all clap)
I mean, it's not a big deal
to just miss one night.
You can go back
to hammerin' ass tonight
after you call your parents.
It's not a big deal.
I wasn't finished, Shoresy.
Oh, sorry, Jim.
We're gonna hurt Palmer.
So to answer your question, yes,
we're ready to set the tone.
Thanks, Jims.
Something a little
different tonight.
They wanna introduce you
one by one before the game.
- Fuckin' why?
- I dunno.
- Huh?
- Could be a historic night.
Guess they wanna
mark the occasion.
(announcer):
Ladies and gentlemen,
welcome to tonight's
match-up between
the Sudbury Blueberry Bulldogs
and your Soo Hunt!
(crowd cheering)
The Soo Hunt and their fans
would now like to welcome
the 23-0 Bulldogs to the ice.
(crowd jeering)
Introducing first,
number 4 and Mr. April,
Brant Goodleaf!
(crowd laughs and jeers)
- Fuck sakes.
- Fuck sakes.
(all): Fuck sakes.
(announcer): Number 14
and Mr. November
You said this calender'd
bite us in the arse, b'y.
Ted Hitchcock!
(crowd boos)
(announcer): The captain of t,
number 69 and Mr. July
(crowd quiets)
Ladies and gentlemen, pleas
for a special rendition
of ,
performed by 10-year-old
Dougie Bibeau,
who is learning
to play the recorder.
(crowd murmurs)
(recorder toots off-key)
O'er the land of the free ♪
And the home of the brave ♪
(crowd claps and cheers)
(Remy moos)
Pulled out all the stops
for you, Shoresy.
- Fuck you.
- Fuck you.
I'll get you
for that fuckin' anthem,
Delaney, I swear to God.
- Historic night.
- Fuckin' coke head.
- Gonna be up in your kitchen
all night tonight, Mr. July.
Yeah, we'll see
how tall you're playin'
in about five fuckin' minutes.
- Fuck you, bud.
- Fuck you.
Remy Nadeau!
(whistle blows)
(crowd cheers)
(Benny speaking in French)
(Remy): You know they say,
if you wanna make the change,
go to the Jims.
They set the tone.
(Shoresy): Fuckin' right, Jims.
Look at ya now, Palmer?
Like, what are you fuckin' now,
Palmer, you bitch!
How do ya fuckin' like it,
Palmer?
Ya fuckin' bitch,
look at ya now!
(ref): Their night's over,
Sanguinet. Fuckin' psychos.
- Nice work, Jims.
- Nice work, Jims.
(walkie beeps)
- You ready to watch this team
play three inches smaller?
(Liam): Nice work, Jims.
Let's go, JJ!
- Let's go now.
- Let's go now.
(Benny and Remy): Let's go!
(slow electronic dance music)
(stick slaps puck)
(crowd cheers)
(crowd cheers)
(♪)
(buzzer blares)
(players cheering)
40 miles!
40 hard miles, gents!
Run 'em up and fill
'em in, boys!
Nice work, Jims!
(music intensifies)
(players cheer)
(crowd cheers)
(♪)
(crowd gasps)
(crowd boos)
(buzzer blares)
20 miles, boys! 20 hard miles!
Well, boys, ready to play
your first third period
of the season?
- Lotsa legs, Shoresy.
Here's where we need you, boys.
We need you right fuckin' now.
Right here in the third, alright?
Need everybody goin'
here in the third.
Everything you've fuckin' got.
Alright?
Everybody! Everything you got.
Leave it all fuckin' out there.
Here we fuckin' go now!
(music continues)
(crowd cheers)
(cheering)
(♪)
(crowd cheers)
(crowd cheers)
(buzzer blares)
(cheering)
(all cheering)
(laughing)
(cheering)
(cheering continues)
(♪)
- How you feelin'?
- I'm still drunk.
Well, get it outta ya now.
You've gotta keep this heater
going through playoffs.
Don't worry, Nat,
we're winning the NOSHO
and going to the National
Senior Tournament.
Yew-hew-hew-hew!
- I know.
So, it was Schnurr
who was fuckin' ya.
- I was fucking him.
- Whatever.
So, all the boys
got their girls, eh?
Nat, I think
at the end of the day,
that's all any of us
are really playin' for.
- You're gonna win us a ship.
- We'll never lose again.
What if I told you,
you could do it all on home ice?
Last time I checked,
you were 10K short
of the necessary 50K.
Good effort, but still an L.
- We got the 50.
- How?
- The--
- Huh?
The Soo Hunt.
I think their fans must've
really loved your calendar shots
blown up like that.
Every fan in the rink
bought one.
- How much?
- Enough to clear 50K.
We made our bid for the National
Senior Tournament,
and we got it.
The best hockey teams in Canada
are coming here to play
for the National title
against you, in Sudbury.
You got anything to say?
Let's set the fuckin' tone!
(electronic music)
Op
Oper
Operat
Operator
Operator:
Operator: Th
Operator: This
Operator: This h
Operator: This hit
Operator: This hit go
Operator: This hit goes
Operator: This hit
goes o
Operator: This hit
goes out
Operator: This hit
goes out t
Operator: This hit
goes out to
Operator: This hit
goes out to yo
Operator: This hit
goes out to you.
Operator: This hit
goes out to you
Mr. Wick.
("Got Ur Self a Gun"
by Nas plays)
Woke up this mornin' ♪
42 regular, was it?
Yeah.
You got yo'self a gun ♪
And so it begins.
Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
Got yo'self a gun ♪
Yo, I'm livin' in this time
behind enemy lines so ♪
I got mine,
I hope you ♪
Got yo'self a gun ♪
♪
Challenge him to single combat.
If you win
you'll have your freedom.
And when I see you
I'ma take what I want so ♪
(upbeat music)
(camera shutter snaps)
Try one leaning on your stick.
Tighten up, slut.
What if you do one
looking over your shoulder
at the camera?
No, no, no, no.
No?
(speaking French)
- Why not?
- Soft.
I think the b'ys should be
goin' only so far with all this.
Fine.
(Hitch scoffs)
What're ya doin', me son?
- What're you doin'?
- Your face?
- Huh?
- Bro.
- What's he doin'?
- What's it look like?
- Why does he have his tarp on?
- What?
(Shoresy): Huh?
- Why would he have
his tarp off?
- Because if I'm a broad
lookin' at a sexy calendar
o' dudes,
I'm probably hopin'
they have their tarps off.
Your face is orange.
It looks like you ate
an Oompa Loompa's mitt.
What the fuck is wrong
with you, dude?
You look like the tip
of Chester Cheetah's dick,
my guy.
- Did you get a spray tan?
Well, I thought everybody
would have a spray tan.
- Why?
- Because if I'm a broad
lookin' at a sexy calendar
o' dudes,
I'm probably hopin'
they have a spray tan.
Settle down.
And what's with
the sunglasses?
- Me?
- Oh, my God.
After I got the spray tan,
I looked at myself in the mirror
and the whites of my eyes
were so white
it kinda freaked me out.
Does no one else think
that this is hilarious?
- Wanna get lippy?
- Just take them off.
Take your top off too.
Let's have a look at you.
I'm gonna wait 'til the grease
down to take my tarp off.
- Grease down?
- Oh, my God.
So dumb!
Why would you have
a grease down?
Because if I'm a broad
looking at a sexy calendar
o' dudes, I'm probably hopin'
they're greased down!
How is that shade
of orange even an option?
I mean, it's almost offensive.
- Shut the fuck up, Michaels!
Is your whole body
that colour?
- Yeah!
- Even your junk?
- Yeah.
- Nice.
- They did your junk, too?
- I did my own junk.
- How?
- You just take the spray gun
and you spray your junk.
A monkey could do it.
- Did you do your butthole, too?
- Let's just get these guys
greased down and spray tanned
so we can be done with it.
You want everyone
to get a spray tan?
- Well, except Dolo.
- Why not Dolo?
Well, he can if he wants to.
He's included. You're an idiot.
- This is a bit much.
- You look ill.
You've been a real cunt
since you got good hair, Ziig.
- Why did you do all this?
- Because a year ago,
you were gonna fold the team.
We couldn't win a game.
But then you kept
the team together
and we won the league.
Now no one can beat us.
So, if you say you want us
to do a sexy calendar so that
you can host the National
Senior Tournament
So we can.
Sudbury.
- For the community.
- By the community.
What are you trying
to say, Shoresy?
Whatever
(chokes back tears)
you need from me.
- Give your balls a tug.
- Ugh!
I got you.
(soft electronic pop music)
Go get a spray tan.
Then come back here,
take your tarps off
and get a grease down.
- Yes, sir.
- You sluts are gonna
make me some money.
You're up first, captain.
(music intensifies)
(music stops abruptly)
(Hitch): Now the b'ys just
has to decide,
do we wanna be the best team
in the league this year,
or do we wanna be the best
team in the league ever?
(car horn honks)
(chuckles)
What are you doing?
I can't.
- What?
- Gotta go home.
- Why?
- Accountability.
I wouldn't ask you guys
to do anything
that I wouldn't do myself.
I could've gone home last night
with a girl I've been trying
to take home
for a year, and I didn't.
- Laura?
- No.
Well, that's who you've been
trying to take home for a year.
It wasn't Laura Mohr.
That's account--
If it wasn't Laura Mohr,
who was it?
Buddy, I got broads
from North Bay to Blind River
who want me to bang 'em.
- Nice.
Fuckin' broads
from Timiskaming to Nipissing
want me to dink 'em.
- Well, it's alls I'm sayin'--
Fuckin' Manitoulin
to Magnetawan, bitch.
- Well, come on out of it then.
- What are you even doin' here?
- I can wait in the bat'room.
- Yeah, just give us five.
Accountability.
(Hitch): Frankie,
tell Laurence not to leave
her tampons on the counter.
(Big Sexy): Tit fucker.
- No, those are Frankie's.
Laurence leaves hers
under the sink.
(chuckles)
(in French): Nothing.
I withstanded from sex.
- Withstood.
- Withstood from it?
- Just withstood.
- I didn't smash her,
not Laura Mohr, okay?
Two nights before our final game
with the Yanks.
Mm-hmm. But I'm not here
to tell you to
(snaps fingers)
- Refrain.
- Refrain it?
- Refrain from it.
I'm not here to tell you
not to hammer ass.
But you need
to be accountable.
Right? You never
got any legs in the third
'cause ya already played
a period between the sheets.
If you wanna hammer ass all day,
ya can't be doggin' it
come game time.
When's the last time
you had a Pogo?
Hitch, ya got a dip?
(Hitch): Can I come where
you're to now, or what?
- No just a sec.
- Okay, just let me know
and I'll come where you're at.
- Let's listen up here now.
You got teammates
that rely on you.
And a whole town
that's depending on you.
You need to be accountable.
So maybe you try, just once,
not hammerin' ass,
all night,
the night before a game.
Dolo?
- Goody?
- Settle down.
Fuckin' eh.
Little accountability
in here, boys.
Let's get some accountability
goin' here now.
(Shoresy): Home.
(Hitch): B'ys, I'll pay
a loonie for a martoonie.
(Nat): Alright. Let's hear it.
(Ziig): 30 grand total
in calendar sales.
(Miig): Give or take.
(Nat): Nice work, sluts.
(Ziig): 30 fucking grand.
(Nat): And what did The Man
Advantage bring us up to?
(Ziig): 40.
(Miig): Give or take.
(Nat): Still 10 short.
(Ziig): But 40 fucking grand.
(Nat): Well, ladies, ideas?
(Dad): Let's say a prayer.
God is good,
God is great,
we thank him our food. Amen.
(all): Amen.
Uh, should we be saying
a prayer
for the Sudbury
Blueberry Bulldogs?
- They don't need it.
- Yeah, we'll give 'em
a cheers then, instead.
Now, I don't wanna
mention winnin'
'cause I don't wanna jinx it,
so I will just say
ya don't wanna lose
to the Yanks.
Cheers!
(all): Cheers!
(bottles and glasses clanging)
- And welcome, Mikey.
- So, Mikey
- Here we go.
- What's wrong with just Mike?
- Waffle.
I like it. It's fun.
Not sayin' there's anything
wrong with it.
- It's playful.
- Just sayin' Mikey Tyson
doesn't have quite
the same weight to it.
- You go by Shoresy, idiot.
- That was aggressive.
- Why are you telling me?
- You wanna see aggressive?
I think it might be time
for you to go use
some pot, Free. Chillax.
No one here uses pot,
if your parents ask.
Maybe not anyone here
right this second,
but it smells like Free
was using in her car before.
- Bro--
- Shut up.
- Me?
- Him.
So, what do you like
to do for fun, Mikey?
- Um
- He likes E-sports.
- E-sports?
- Video games, Dad!
- He likes video games.
- Oh.
It's legit, Waffle.
There's like,
tournaments and leagues.
- Mitch Marner owns a league.
E-sports are like,
really popular.
Doesn't make 'em respectable.
(slurps soup)
So, how many people play
in your league, Mikey?
Yeah, Mikey,
what's the concussion protocol
in your league?
- What colour
are most of the kids?
- What's the trophy
you play for, the fuckin'
Reese Peanut Butter Cup?
I heard Mikey's the hardest
workin' player in his league.
Hardest worker? Only thing
these guys play through
is having to fuckin' pee
from drinkin' fuckin' pop.
- Waffle!
- I only do it
'cause I love you, Kayla.
He gets vetted
just like everybody
who wants to date my family.
Amen.
Except Free, since she
was already in the family.
(Mo laughs)
Hey, Mikey,
speaking of embarrassing,
why don't you ask Shoresy
about the time
his ninth grade girlfriend
came running into my room
crying 'cause he couldn't
get it up?
- I didn't wanna get it up.
- Oh?
Mikey, if she saw
that big dink, boy,
she'd really be crying.
- Oh, my God.
(Shoresy): I was just
lookin' out for her.
- Were ya?
- She'd never be
the same after that!
- What's it?
Kid's got her whole
life ahead of her.
Was that Sarah?
(Shoresy): That's somebody's
daughter, you know?
- Amber.
I said you think you want it.
You got no idea
what you're gettin'
yourself into here.
- Okay, Waffle.
Who knows where
she'd be today.
(laughs)
- Don't feel too bad for him,
though. Looks like everything
was workin' just fine
on our family vacation in Cuba.
Free.
When he was makin' out
with a girl that was a guy?
(inhales deeply)
That's the fuckin'
hottest guy I ever seen.
- She was a real hot guy.
- Dad!
- He thought she was hot too!
- Hot guy.
A lot can happen after
10 beers, huh, Waffle?
Mikey, I thought
she was a girl.
- She was a real hot guy.
- Good lips.
- Dad!
- Those gals pay good money
to get themselves
lookin' like that.
So, you can't be too shocked
if they get the odd one by ya.
I don't think it's fair if
they don't tell ya up front.
- And really good on him.
- I'll tell you who this
whole thing is most unfair to,
is girls who already look
a little bit like guys.
(Shoresy laughs)
- Dad!
I'm just sayin',
the way things are goin',
if she looks a little bit
like a guy,
you've gotta mind,
she probably really is one.
Time to pull a U-ey.
Hey, what else ya got, Free?
This is batting practice.
(Mo sighs)
- Go Bulldogs.
Go get 'em, yeah?
(Shoresy): We will.
- I love you.
- Love you, too.
(indistinct chatter)
Okay.
Love you, bro.
(Shoresy): Love you, too.
Hey, good luck.
Go get that record.
- We will.
- W, baby. W.
W.
(Mo): Don't let me down, boy.
(Shoresy): We won't.
Don't forget what I taught ya.
If you can't win, don't play.
(Dad): Come here, you.
(Mo): Love you, bro.
(Shoresy): Love you, bro.
(Dad sighs)
I'm so proud of you, son.
So, so proud of you.
Are you crying?
I love you.
(Shoresy): Love you, too.
(Free grunts then laughs)
(laughing)
(Mo speaks indistinctly)
I'm glad we're all so close.
Hey, success isn't success
unless you have someone
to share it with. Yeah?
(emotional R&B music)
(♪)
(music intensifies)
(music fades)
(rock music)
Anik Archambault here
joined by panelists
Jay Onrait, Tessa Bonhomme,
and the man they call RA.
Mesdames and messieurs,
the Sudbury Blueberry Bulldogs.
Persimmon Pomapoos
would sound tougher.
It's all hands on deck
for what could very well be
a record-setting night
in the Soo.
- Wait, Soo Ontario or
- Soo Michigan, baby.
The Bulldogs Bluester Club
will reportedly
be out in numbers in hope
of seeing their team
make some history stateside.
Long way to go for
the Tangerine Toy Poodles.
There's no shortage of bad
blood between these two teams
as Shoresy took clear aim
at new additions
Delaney, Palmer, and Schnurr
in their last contest.
Let's have a look
at excerpts from that edition
of Bulldogs Mic'd UP.
Schnurr! Hey Delaney,
know where we can
get some nose beers?
(Delaney): Yeah, I've got a guy.
Let's get a couple grams,
go on OnlyFans.
Hey, fell asleep
in the recliner the other night.
Thought of you.
Can you even cross over,
Palmer, you big, dumb fuck?
- Shut the fuck up, Shoresy!
I hope your guys bring
their A-game.
Americans hate
losing to Canadians.
Canadians hate
losing to Americans.
- Can't we all just get along?
- Hell no.
- Hard no.
- I know!
And now it's up
to the Bulldogs.
Do they wanna be the best
team in the league this year,
or do they wanna be the best
team in the league, ever?
(electronic dance music)
(♪)
(♪)
(Liam): Well, well, well,
look who finally came around.
Not too worried about getting
your dink sucked tonight, eh?
Got my dink sucked
this morning.
- You wish Sanger good luck?
- I'm his good luck charm.
Kee-he-he!
You gonna go say
hi to Schnurr?
- Already did.
- Woman!
This guy's gonna be
Mr. Nat pretty soon.
- No.
- Could do worse.
I already got what
I was after there.
Woman!
You don't date sluts,
you just take 'em down.
Make 'em empty the dishwasher
on the way out.
I needed a different favour.
Getting the fitted sheet
on the mattress?
A pregame stop at
the Sudbury Kids Sport Report.
- Woman!
- You're a genius.
How'd you get him to do that?
- He has cancer.
- What kind?
Doesn't matter.
We're doin' this for him.
- Fuck sakes.
- Don't swear.
We ready? Okay.
Hi, I'm Jory Jordan,
this is the Sudbury
Kids Sports Report, US Edition.
I'm here with three members
of the Soo Hunt.
Gentlemen, please state
your name and ethnicity.
- Ethnicity?
- If you know it.
Pal, I don't think
that's important.
You don't think
race is important?
Okay, we'll skip
the land acknowledgement.
You all played
a stint in the show.
Yes.
Palmer, Delaney did
too much coke.
How'd you fuck it up?
Schnurr, would you agree
that Palmer looks like
he did more coke than Delaney?
- Listen, kid--
- Just a sec.
Hello.
Alright, everybody,
listen up here.
Let's listen up here now.
60 miles from something
real shiny tonight here, boys.
Let's turn that 23-game heater
into 24!
Hitch, you ready?
- Yes, b'y!
Good, 'cause you're goin'!
(players): Yaa-hoo!
Dolo, you ready?
Good, 'cause you're goin'!
(players): Yaa-hoo!
- Goody, you ready?
- Ready to rip, Sanguinet.
Good, 'cause you're goin'!
(players): Yaa-hoo!
Frankie, ya got a couple
in ya tonight?
Good, 'cause you're goin'!
(players): Yaa-hoo!
- Shoresy, you ready?
- Yew-hew!
Good, 'cause you're goin'!
(players): Yaa-hoo!
Michaels, you got one more
in ya
for the regular season, buddy?
- Oh, you know it, Sanger.
Good, 'cause you're goin'!
(players): Yaa-hoo!
Nothing comes easy
against the Americans.
You'll have to work
for every inch.
They're gonna line match
Palmer against Shoresy tonight
so, Jim
- Yeah?
- Jim?
- Yes.
- Jim?
- You say jump,
we say how high, Sanger.
We're relying on you
to take him out early.
Ya gotta set the tone!
We'll start
with Shoresy's line,
but get control of the puck
and get off the ice.
Let the Jims do their thing.
- You good, Jim?
- Yeah.
- Jim?
- Yes.
- Jim?
- We've overcome a lot
of adversity this season.
Both personally and as a team.
We found Michaels,
who's helping our
Reach For The Top
team go to sectionals.
And boys, I found someone
to share my success with.
I found someone
knows me name, b'ys.
A girl who just wants
to hang out, play some tunes.
Laurence Leboeuf.
(all): Laurence Leboeuf.
Goody? Dolo?
Did ya hammer ass all night?
Really?
Accountability.
Hey!
(all clap)
I mean, it's not a big deal
to just miss one night.
You can go back
to hammerin' ass tonight
after you call your parents.
It's not a big deal.
I wasn't finished, Shoresy.
Oh, sorry, Jim.
We're gonna hurt Palmer.
So to answer your question, yes,
we're ready to set the tone.
Thanks, Jims.
Something a little
different tonight.
They wanna introduce you
one by one before the game.
- Fuckin' why?
- I dunno.
- Huh?
- Could be a historic night.
Guess they wanna
mark the occasion.
(announcer):
Ladies and gentlemen,
welcome to tonight's
match-up between
the Sudbury Blueberry Bulldogs
and your Soo Hunt!
(crowd cheering)
The Soo Hunt and their fans
would now like to welcome
the 23-0 Bulldogs to the ice.
(crowd jeering)
Introducing first,
number 4 and Mr. April,
Brant Goodleaf!
(crowd laughs and jeers)
- Fuck sakes.
- Fuck sakes.
(all): Fuck sakes.
(announcer): Number 14
and Mr. November
You said this calender'd
bite us in the arse, b'y.
Ted Hitchcock!
(crowd boos)
(announcer): The captain of t,
number 69 and Mr. July
(crowd quiets)
Ladies and gentlemen, pleas
for a special rendition
of ,
performed by 10-year-old
Dougie Bibeau,
who is learning
to play the recorder.
(crowd murmurs)
(recorder toots off-key)
O'er the land of the free ♪
And the home of the brave ♪
(crowd claps and cheers)
(Remy moos)
Pulled out all the stops
for you, Shoresy.
- Fuck you.
- Fuck you.
I'll get you
for that fuckin' anthem,
Delaney, I swear to God.
- Historic night.
- Fuckin' coke head.
- Gonna be up in your kitchen
all night tonight, Mr. July.
Yeah, we'll see
how tall you're playin'
in about five fuckin' minutes.
- Fuck you, bud.
- Fuck you.
Remy Nadeau!
(whistle blows)
(crowd cheers)
(Benny speaking in French)
(Remy): You know they say,
if you wanna make the change,
go to the Jims.
They set the tone.
(Shoresy): Fuckin' right, Jims.
Look at ya now, Palmer?
Like, what are you fuckin' now,
Palmer, you bitch!
How do ya fuckin' like it,
Palmer?
Ya fuckin' bitch,
look at ya now!
(ref): Their night's over,
Sanguinet. Fuckin' psychos.
- Nice work, Jims.
- Nice work, Jims.
(walkie beeps)
- You ready to watch this team
play three inches smaller?
(Liam): Nice work, Jims.
Let's go, JJ!
- Let's go now.
- Let's go now.
(Benny and Remy): Let's go!
(slow electronic dance music)
(stick slaps puck)
(crowd cheers)
(crowd cheers)
(♪)
(buzzer blares)
(players cheering)
40 miles!
40 hard miles, gents!
Run 'em up and fill
'em in, boys!
Nice work, Jims!
(music intensifies)
(players cheer)
(crowd cheers)
(♪)
(crowd gasps)
(crowd boos)
(buzzer blares)
20 miles, boys! 20 hard miles!
Well, boys, ready to play
your first third period
of the season?
- Lotsa legs, Shoresy.
Here's where we need you, boys.
We need you right fuckin' now.
Right here in the third, alright?
Need everybody goin'
here in the third.
Everything you've fuckin' got.
Alright?
Everybody! Everything you got.
Leave it all fuckin' out there.
Here we fuckin' go now!
(music continues)
(crowd cheers)
(cheering)
(♪)
(crowd cheers)
(crowd cheers)
(buzzer blares)
(cheering)
(all cheering)
(laughing)
(cheering)
(cheering continues)
(♪)
- How you feelin'?
- I'm still drunk.
Well, get it outta ya now.
You've gotta keep this heater
going through playoffs.
Don't worry, Nat,
we're winning the NOSHO
and going to the National
Senior Tournament.
Yew-hew-hew-hew!
- I know.
So, it was Schnurr
who was fuckin' ya.
- I was fucking him.
- Whatever.
So, all the boys
got their girls, eh?
Nat, I think
at the end of the day,
that's all any of us
are really playin' for.
- You're gonna win us a ship.
- We'll never lose again.
What if I told you,
you could do it all on home ice?
Last time I checked,
you were 10K short
of the necessary 50K.
Good effort, but still an L.
- We got the 50.
- How?
- The--
- Huh?
The Soo Hunt.
I think their fans must've
really loved your calendar shots
blown up like that.
Every fan in the rink
bought one.
- How much?
- Enough to clear 50K.
We made our bid for the National
Senior Tournament,
and we got it.
The best hockey teams in Canada
are coming here to play
for the National title
against you, in Sudbury.
You got anything to say?
Let's set the fuckin' tone!
(electronic music)