Sledge Hammer! s02e06 Episode Script

Trust me, I know what I'm doing.
You're history, hog's breath! Tired of hanging around, copper? Ahh! Couldn't you have worn a tennis shoe? I'm afraid Inspector Hammer is suffering from chronic acrophobia.
Apparently, the trauma associated with being in a life-threatening position five floors above the street released the phobia from his subsconsci.
- In layman's terms, what does it mean? - He's afraid to step off a kerb.
Ah, Inspector Hammer, I was about to suggest that, because of your condition, you be put on a medicaI leave.
Isn't there another test you can do? If some quack is gonna mess with my brain, could their IQ not match their bust size? - Hammer - I'd recommend permanent suspension.
Have you got bottled water on the brain? I'm in perfect condition.
I could rent my biceps to Rambo and not miss 'em.
Dr Fall says you have acrophobia.
That's ridiculous.
Look.
See? Nothing.
Sledge, it's a fear of heights.
A fear of heights? Hey, does it look like I'm afraid of heights? I mean, give me a reading on this! Oh, I'm afraid! - Come on! Oh - Sledge Get down! - Hammer, guess what.
- What? You're on medicaI leave as of now.
All right, old friend, we're gonna kick this height-ophobia thing step by step.
I step up I step down.
I step up I fall down! - Hammer.
- 'Got great news for you.
' You can finally buy guns in vending machines? No.
Captain Trunk found an assignment that you might be able to handle.
Ah, great.
Yeah, I knew there had to be a lot of crimes committed at sea leveI.
'Captain wants to see you right away.
How's your vertigo?' It's It acts up when it's damp, you know.
- That's bursitis.
- 'I don't have bursitis.
' - Are you still dizzy? - 'You kidding? I'm fine, perfectly fine.
' In fact, I'm hang-gliding this morning and tomorrow I'm going skydiving.
I'll see you in a couple of minutes.
I'm fine.
I'm completely back to normaI.
Whatever the hell that means.
Hammer, I know how much you miss being here.
What a masochist I am.
You ever heard of Pete Crane? Isn't he that pygmy-brain who's extorted money from businessmen downtown? That's him.
Send them in.
We're working with the FBI on this one.
His girlfriend is ready to pop with state's evidence.
With her help, we can blow the lid off Crane's crime syndicate.
I'm doing you a favour and you clowns treat me like I'm the criminaI.
If I'd known, I never would've decided to testify.
Now, Miss Delmonte I tried to explain that we're assigned to protect her for her own good - Who are you? - Inspector Hammer, Miss Delmonte.
- You know, you're kinda cute for a cop.
- I know.
Nice to meet you.
How did you wind up being the girlfriend of that maggot Crane? I was his secretary.
He wanted someone who could type fast and run slow.
Hammer, I want you to stick with Miss Delmonte every minute.
I understand, sir.
You showered yet? Come on, let's split outta here, Charlie.
I'm gonna hit the dress sales.
It'll be nice to have a gentleman's opinion.
You are a gentleman, aren't ya? I wanna get back into action but I'm not interested in baby-sitting some gun moll.
Oh, right? Well, that's just fine because I can take care of myself.
You see? I'm locked and loaded and I'm ready to rock and roll.
Maybe this will be good for a couple of laughs.
Hammer, get outta here! Everybody, get out, get out! I never met a woman who carried an Uzi in her purse.
Pete gave it to me on our first anniversary.
It's a helluva lot better than a rape whistle.
How did you get involved with a sack of slime like Crane? He'd steaI me anything I wanted.
Didn't it bother you, going out with somebody who steals and robs and has no scruples? Nah, I used to date a congressman.
Oh yeah.
So you married? No, no, my wife is gone.
Oh, gee, I'm sorry.
When did she die? No, she's gone.
She just took my things and left.
Pete did the same thing to me.
Said I was too expensive.
So he ditched you, huh? Ditched you for somebody cheaper.
You know something? You and I are on the same wavelength.
You're not bad for a cop.
And you're not bad for a mistress.
Hey, buddy, can I borrow your sugar? - Yeah, sure.
Here, take it.
- Not that one, this one.
Hey, back off, rag-weed, you're talking to a lady! - Nice technique.
Tai Chiang karate? - Yeah.
- You study with Master Chiang, too? - Yeah.
Till he became road manager for Motley Crue.
- My shoulder.
- That's a nasty bruise.
- Want me to finish him off? - Oh, no, no.
My top will cover it.
There's something about you I like.
What is it? - I'm violent.
- That's it.
Always a firm foundation to build a relationship on.
.
44 Magnum.
Left-twist bore, it has a velocity of 729 feet per second.
It's beautifuI.
It's been a long time since a woman's handled my gun.
Look, when this is all over can I see you again? - Oh, Sledge, I don't know.
- Why don't you join the force? We'd see more of each other and you're paid for roughing people up.
- Sledge - Think about it, will you? Will you think about it? Oh, look, there's my hideaway.
What, the lighthouse? Oh, I love it there.
It's the only place where I really feeI at peace.
Come on, Sledge.
Old Pete bought me this lighthouse.
- He bought you a lighthouse? - I asked for a night light.
Come on.
I only take speciaI people here.
Up here.
Come on, I'll race you to the top.
Come on, Sledge.
I can't.
Somebody turned the stairs to Jell-O.
Sledge, stop him! Stop him! Please! No! No! My vision's as bad as those people that colourise black and white films.
Sledge, please! Help me! Help, please! God! God! Angelica! Are you all right? She was too young to die.
She never had a chance to find out what a great guy I am.
It was a terrible tragedy, Sledge.
I was really falling for her and I know she could've fallen for me, I know it.
But she did.
We had so much in common.
We even hated some of the same people.
Did you know that she carried a bigger gun than I did? Sledge I don't know, it looks like somebody dragged her to the top of this lighthouse and threw her in the ocean.
We went together like a like a headache and a pill.
Not a clue up there.
- Whoever did this made a clean break.
- I don't wanna hear that.
That scum-sucker killed the woman I could've had a future with.
There's gotta be a clue up there! There's gotta be a clue up there! Sledge? Because of Inspector Sledge Hammer's fear of heights, there was no way he was gonna make it up those stairs and save Angelica Delmonte.
- Did the woman survive the fall? - No, she is deceased.
- How do you spell deceased? - Just write "dead".
Stop it, both of you! Don't you realise you're talking about somebody who who meant a lot to me? It's not my fault I couldn't go up those stairs! I change a light bulb and I get a nosebleed! - Hammer, get it together! - It is together! All right, take a note.
Inspector Sledge Hammer is now back on medicaI leave.
- Why? Why? - Hammer, go home and get some rest.
Don't come back untiI you overcome your vertigo.
- But but that may be never.
- I know, I know.
Why didn't Angelica scream when they threw her out of that lighthouse? She was one tough woman, Sledge.
We liked all the same things.
Guns guns.
She even threw a brick at Gloria Steinem.
Let me see that.
It would've been too awfuI if they had found the body.
They would've had to bury her in an envelope.
Sledge, he didn't mean it.
He's your friend.
- Are you all right? - I don't know what's the matter with me.
Everywhere I look, I see her face.
In drinks, in lights, in mirrors.
Angelica! It's you! You're not dead! You've come back.
- Sledge, it isn't her.
- Why aren't you dead, Angelica? My name is Susan Taylor.
I don't know what you're talking about.
No, no.
No, I know who you are.
Don't you remember? We were almost best friends.
Sledge, this can't be Angelica.
This man's a maniac.
You need help.
Don't you remember the good times? The fights, the guns? - Give it a break.
- Trust me, I know what I'm doing.
Look! Look at this face! Look, everybody, doesn't this look like the woman I let get killed? - I know it's you.
You've come back.
- No, you're mistaken.
Sir, I am not this Angelica.
All right, do me a favour.
Come back to my apartment with me.
I wanna try an experiment.
Last time I heard that line was from a shoe salesman.
- You've got to come back, you've got to! - CooI it.
You're stressed out.
Grab him! No, I know it's her! I know it's her! It's her! OK, fine.
Come on, we'll go back to your apartment.
As long as you promise to then leave me alone.
Door's that way.
- Sledge - Trust me.
Sledge! Hurry.
It takes a while to change your hair colour.
I'm dyeing it fast as I can.
Come on, this can't mean as much to you as it does to me.
That's it.
- Now you look exactly like her.
- You know, this really is crazy.
I'd like to be whoever you want me to be but I'm not this Angelica person.
I'm Susan Taylor from Salina, Kansas.
No, don't say that.
Say tough words like maim, kill, destroy.
- You're crazy.
Why would I say that? - Come on, try it.
Scum-sucker, slimeball.
Try it, try it.
I can't.
I'm from Kansas.
You're right.
You're not her.
You never were her.
You could never be her.
OK I'll take you home.
Thank you.
I'm really sorry, Inspector.
- Where did you get that? - Sears Roebuck.
- Not the sweater, the bruise! Where? - Probably when you grabbed me.
I knew it was you.
I have a mind like a steeI claptrap.
You are Angelica Delmonte, aren't you? I don't know what you're talking about.
My name is Susan.
All right, Susan, all right.
I'm gonna take you somewhere.
- Please - Somewhere to refresh your memory.
Hey, boss, you were right.
This Hammer guy almost faked us out.
Angelica's still alive.
Admit it, Angelica.
That bruise proves you're you.
You know that, don't you? Will you please stop saying that? The chances of two different people having the same bruise are 27,000 to 12.
That's one in in er That'd be one in sixteen Well, that's 12 into 27 That goes Well, they're slim.
They're very, very slim, Angelica.
I feeI like I'm having a sugar rush.
Come on, admit it.
Just admit it.
Admit it.
Say you're Angelica.
Say it.
- Do you have to be so violent? - Angelica loved violence.
The sound of a Tommy gun, the crack of a.
45, a kick in the teeth, a left, a right.
You're right.
I knew it, I knew it.
You really are Angelica.
Oh, Sledge, you've blown my cover.
Who am I kidding? I could never fooI you.
Why? Why did you do it, Angelica? Why? - I had to.
- Why did you pretend? Why? Trunk figured, if everyone thought I was dead Yeah? Then what? Then what would happen? Then everyone would think I was dead so no one would try to kill me.
- I was supposed to guard you.
- Don't you see? Trunk used your vertigo problem.
He knew he could fake my death here and you'd never see what happened.
So so you're not dead.
- Then who fell from the tower? - The mannequin.
The FBI guy working for Trunk he threw it down while I hid.
So when I ran out to the car to call headquarters, you and that FBI creep escaped.
Sledge, I wanted to tell you at the bar, but I couldn't.
You couldn't have found a better place to hide in plain sight - a bar full of cops.
Angelica, I did it.
I made it to the top.
I'm cured.
I can look over transoms again! What's that? Another Fed? No, wait, Sledge! He's not F I'm tired of playing the fooI.
I'm telling you, he's not FB Hey.
- So you thought you could fooI me? - It's over, you blond dummy.
Drop your gun and kick it over here.
- I said, kick it over here.
- Forget it, slimeball.
I never kick a friend when he's down.
- Angelica! - Freeze, Angelica.
- I was trying to tell you he's not FBI.
- Now you tell me.
Your boyfriend Pete put a nice price on your head.
It'll make a nice down payment on my condo.
I have a message for you.
Pete says goodbye.
No way, scum-sucker! - You're gonna have to shoot me first.
- OK.
Ow! Hammer, standing in front of that woman was a very gallant thing to do, but don't tempt me like that again.
Thanks to Angelica's testimony, Crane's been sentenced to 50 years in prison.
Safe to say that relationship's over.
Nope.
Apparently, after the sentencing, they made up.
I mean they settled their differences.
When he's done serving his time, they're gonna get married.
By that time, we'll be throwing rice at their wheelchairs.
Well, you know what they say.
True love knows no bounds.
- I'm sorry, Sledge.
- No, that's all right.
Well, it could be worse.
You're feeling better.
- No more vertigo, right? - No, I haven't had a drop.
And I'm not getting dizzy any more.
Watch.
- Get off that desk, get off that desk! - Ahhh! Ahhh! Ahhh! - Get off my desk! - Sledge! Ahhhh! Ahhhh! I'm fine.
No, see, I'm fine.
Look, I'm fine.
Ooh! Oh, my God, this is terrible! I know.
When did they remove that flagpole?