Solar Opposites (2020) s02e06 Episode Script
The Apple Pencil Pro
1
[dramatic theme playing]
♪
This place is amazing.
How do they keep incrementally improving
products year after year?
Oh. The Apple Pencil Pro is far superior
to last year's disgusting,
obsolete Apple Pencil.
The new one can write in cursive.
I literally saw Emily Dickinson
writing poetry with it
in the Apple TV+ show Dickinson
on my Apple TV!
Oh, they have
a U2 branded Wi-Fi router?
Wow! It's red!
For every four bars of signal you get,
Bono sends a pair of shoes
to a sea turtle.
Hey there, you looking for a repair
Fetch me an Apple Pencil Pro,
Apple servant.
You got it.
You want a charging necklace too?
The pencil runs out of batteries very fa
[screaming] Get away from me! Wee!
- Help!
- Oh my god, Pete, you okay?
These are the psycho aliens
that tortured me in their dungeon!
That's impossible. We turned
our dungeon into a Florida room.
Yeah, we've never even met
this fuckin' freak show!
- Hello, sir, I'm
- Don't touch me!
Siri, call the cops!
SIRI:
Playing Destiny's Child.
[siren wailing]
♪
That's them!
[camera shutter clicking]
[gloves stretching]
- He doesn't have a hole.
- We'll just have to make one.
Hey, how's it going?
The Solar Opposites are going to jail!
KORVO:
Planet Shlorp was a perfect utopia
until the asteroid hit.
One hundred adults and their replicants
were issued a Pupa
and escaped into, uh, the space,
searching for new homes
on uninhabited worlds.
We crashed on Earth, stranding us
on an already overpopulated planet.
That's right, I've been talking
this whole time.
I'm the one holding the Pupa.
My name's Korvo.
This is, this is my show.
I just dropped the Pupa. Do you see me?
[stammers]
This is ridiculous.
I hate Earth.
It's a horrible home.
People are stupid and confusing.
Do they like Brendan Fraser or not?
He's a good guy.
Give him a chance.
♪
[ominous music playing]
♪
Chris Cicowski, 35.
Mandy Sinclair, 28.
Jeffrey Dean Dorgan, 33.
Agnes Peterbort,
75 years old.
Tomorrow would have been
her birthday.
Cool list, bro. I take my coffee
with a splash of mouse milk.
Then maybe you don't understand
what's happening here.
You're done.
I know you killed all those people,
I was an executive story editor
on Bones seasons five through nine
and let me tell you, friend,
that's a season wrap on Ethan!
Aw. You never even got a bump
to co-producer? Pathetic.
I bet they just stuck you
in the Bones joke room.
We didn't have a joke room,
it was an innuendo room.
And I was only there
for the back nine.
[exhales]
If you ever want to see
the halogen reptile lamp
that Yumyulack uses to simulate
the light of day again,
you better start cooperating.
- [yawns]
- Buddy, you got it all wrong.
I'm going to be walking out of here,
and you're not.
You think Tim and the Walldermen
are just gonna let you go?
Oh yeah, babe.
Without me, Tim is nothing.
Nada, zero, zilch.
Oh wow, I didn't realize I was talking
to someone so important.
You think Jesse gives us CLIF bars,
chewable Tylenol, and Dasani water?
[laughs]
Come on.
All that protein and medicine
that you're used to?
This guy.
So I'm supposed to believe
you're killing people during the week,
then turning big and running errands
on the weekends?
Oh my god, you're so stupid.
Listen, there is a hole
in the top of the Wall.
It's been there
since before the war.
The Duke would use it
to bring in extra supplies
to keep control
of the population.
A top-secret hole that
we could use to escape, huh?
You have quite
the imagination, murderer.
Broheim had
an Amazon Fresh subscription.
They'd throw the deliveries on the roof,
then I'd just climb out and I'd get ‘em.
Now I do the same thing
for my close personal friend, Tim.
[grunts]
I'm sick of this bullshit!
There's no hole in the Wall,
and I won't let you drag Tim's good name.
In the beforefore time,
I was a rock climbing instructor
at Bally's Total Fitness.
Outside the Wall,
the only thing I used to murder
was indoor climbing walls.
And I care why?
Once I got in here,
I had so much temptation,
you know, so many potential victims,
and no rock climbing to distract me.
At first, I was going to kill myself.
That way, I wouldn't murder anyone.
But then you saved me.
- What?
- Oh, you don't remember, do you?
I am the one who started
the flooding of the Nerds.
My plan was to die in that Nerd pile
and finally escape my impulses.
But then you saved me.
♪
- Oh my god.
- That's when I knew I was special.
You saved me
so I could fulfill my destiny.
[laughs] I'm a god!
- Shut up!
- I'm a god!
[cackling]
MAN: Let's go.
Let's get in here.
- Let's do this.
- Welp, that's my ride.
Okay, let's say there is
some big conspiracy
to help you kill
innocent people.
But now you've told me
the whole plan, Mr. Total Fitness.
So what happens next?
I don't know, they'll probably just come
in here and kill you
and then blame it on a cricket.
What? How the hell
do you know about the cricket?
These guys aren't exactly
creative geniuses.
They always just blame it
on a cricket.
[buzzer sounds]
Has anyone mistreated you
since you got here?
I'm not saying anything
until our lawyer gets here.
Oh my god, I'm your lawyer.
How many times do we have
to go over this?
Objection, overruled,
I rest my case.
This isn't even the trial
forget it.
Let me walk you
through the accusations,
and I gotta say,
they seem very specific.
According to Peter,
the, uh, Okja-type character,
this all started off
when Korvo got annoyed
at an annual
Rib Fest-style block party
on the street
outside your house
[rock music playing on speakers]
[inaudible chatter]
Pupa, put those delicious ribs down!
Goddammit,
I hate this stupid Rib Fest.
There's nowhere to park,
they play rib jams all day,
and some guy who's not me
always wins the "Best Ribs" competition!
Why can't Korvo
be a winner for once?
You know, Korvo, you could take
some barbecue classes
at The Learning Annex
or watch some YouTube videos,
chefnap Paula Deen
Kidnapping people takes too long,
I'll just use sci-fi shit!
STEPHANIE: The prosecution claims
Korvo created a giant pig thing
that self-cooked racks
of award-winning ribs
out of its chest,
whose blood tasted like
delicious barbecue sauce,
and when struck
"shat out all the fixins."
KORVO: Dammit, that does sound like
something I would do.
Right down to the "fixin'" shits.
Where am I? Wh-what am I?
Are you my dad? Wee! Help!
Ohh!
- Whoa-oh! Oh!
- Mm, that's good rib.
Could use a little
barbecue sauce though.
Oh no!
STEPHANIE: Korvo won
five straight Rib Fest gold medals,
dethroning Lizzo's cousin, Ribbo,
as the Rib Fest champion.
Please let me go.
Hold still, I need a potluck worth
of your shit for a church event tonight.
Korvo, wait! I need Peter
to help me with my math homework.
He's not going to be able
to focus if he's screaming.
What's the X in this equation?
Tell me!
Hi, guys! Are we having a
Oh my god, what's that?
Please, little girl! These guys
are crazy. You gotta help me!
Don't worry, little guy. Jesse's here.
You have to let him go!
You can't just keep a creature trapped
in your basement and torture it.
You clearly don't understand
how important it is to win rib contests.
- Ohhh! Oh!
- [sobbing] Oh god!
Guys! Come watch me do donuts
on the front lawn!
I finally figured out how to do it.
Turns out it's a circle!
- Awesome!
- Alright.
[door closes]
[grunting]
[gasps, farts]
- [cheering]
- TERRY: Fuck you, lawn! Woo!
- Yeah-hey! Woo!
- [tires screeching]
STEPHANIE: Peter escaped
while you were distracted by the donuts.
He spent a few nights in the woods,
then he moved on with his life,
got his MFA
in interpretive dance,
couldn't find work, duh,
so he got a job at the Apple Store
with all the other people
who have MFAs.
Okay, look: full disclosure,
that story really did sound
like something
we would do, r-right?
Yeah, I mean, it feels like
something we'd pitch to Hulu
and they'd say,
"We don't understand it but go for it."
But I don't remember any of it.
I never went to a Rib Fest or met
this delicious rib-looking Peter guy.
Yeah, just because
the story "sounded like us"
doesn't mean we did it.
Yeah, we're good people.
Remember that time we turned
that homeless guy's blood
into Vitamin Water?
O-o-or when we killed
millions of bees
so people wouldn't get stung?
Yeah, we invented vaping,
that has to count for something!
You're both right.
We're great.
This was one hundred percent not us!
Well, Peter is a convincing witness.
Plus he's a big alien thing
and you're aliens,
so it's not hard
to think that you did this.
- What does that mean for us?
- It means you're fucked.
[slams table]
This is your last chance
to let me go, buddy.
Here they they're coming,
do you feel 'em?
Do you feel 'em? They're coming.
It's all over for you. Get ready.
Oh, that hurt.
Halk. Calm down, big guy,
don't do anything crazy.
Just put the Ring Pop knife down.
- Stay back!
- Let me kill him, please!
- What are you doing?
- He's the killer!
The 7 was an L,
it was upside-down.
He lived in a fortune cookie.
Wait, what are you talking about?
If you caught the real killer,
then great!
But if you kill him,
it'll just make you a killer too.
Stay back! Don't take
another fuckin' step.
[buzzer sounds]
You know,
I bet prison isn't all that bad.
All I have to do is bide my time
until I go to the Sorting Hat.
You know what I'm saying,
my man?
You're confusing prison
with the Harry Potter movies.
Don't make assumptions about people,
he might've read the books.
Fuck you! Even if he had,
he couldn't avoid
the cultural impact of the movies!
- [grunting]
- Come on, you won't fight me!
Aah! Does this mean
I don't get to be in Hufflepuff?
Aah! Ow!
Ow! God!
What the fuck!
Oh no, please tell me you got
a backup crack pipe inside that butt.
How does everyone in this prison
have so many shivs?
Well, they teach
a shiv-making class on weekends.
- Why?
- Yumyulack, you know what they say:
give a man a shiv,
he shivs for a day.
Now, teach a man to shiv
Ugh, this place is horrible.
There's hardly any sushi,
the guy making
the sushi is a rapist,
and he charges you airport prices
right before he shivs you.
This is fucking bullshit.
I know we didn't do this to Peter.
We're nice, Pupa-fearing,
Fox News-believing members of society.
How did we get here then?
There's only one explanation.
The Solar Opposites are getting set up.
[Jesse, Terry, Yumyulack gasp]
Someone wanted to take us down.
It's a conspiracy,
and we can't trust anyone.
Oh!
You think Peter's the mastermind?
No way! Peter's the best.
He has the face and ribs of an angel.
How could you say that about Peter
after everything he's been through?
Seriously, Terry, go fuck yourself.
If sweet angel Peter
didn't do it, who did?
Is there someone in our world
we offended in some way?
Um, last week Yumyulack and I
didn't want to take a history test,
so we used the Bone Changer Ray
to turn Ms. Frankie's bones into metal
like Marvel's Wolverine.
[metal detector beeping]
[gasps]
- What's happening to me? Argh!
- Hello, sweetie!
Did you forget to take your keys
out of your pocket again?
[all screaming]
[screams]
Jesus, that's grim.
It must have been Ms. Frankie.
Well, hold on, there was also
this thing with Roland last Tuesday
I just watched Toy Story 4,
and I thought it would be fun
to make someone's toys come alive.
So I zapped this guy's stuff
with our Make-Alive Ray.
Live , motherfuckers, live!
[ray zapping]
Why is my stuff alive?
What's happening?
[screaming]
[growling]
That's messed up, Terry.
But another viable suspect.
- It could also be Matthew.
- Who?
He's the neighborhood fuckboi
who hates me for no reason.
He's kind of my nemesis.
Matthew told me I wasn't allowed
to wear Christ-mas sweaters
because I don't know anything
about Christ-mas,
whatever the fuck that is.
So I decided to shoot him
with the sci-fi holiday cannon.
[explosion booms]
Oh!
Oh god! No!
I can't feel my soul!
Who doesn't know
about Christ-mas now, you fuck?
Okay, wow, we just flashed back
to three really good options
for who's framing us.
Honestly, there could be dozens
of hundreds more.
Guys, stop. Think about it.
There's no way
humans could do this.
- They're dumb as fuck.
- Yum's right, they hella dumb.
They're so budget.
Jesse, stop trying to make budget
the new basic.
But yes, in this one instance,
they are budget.
But someone did this to us.
Someone who's smart,
powerful, handsome,
loves animals,
has cheek bones for days,
lots of time on their hands.
Who could it be?
- JESSE/KORVO/YUMYULACK: Obama!
- TERRY: Dora the Explorer!
Yes, Obama!
The pride of Occidental College.
Motherfucker's been on our shit
ever since we out-windsurfed him in Cabo.
We have to break out of prison
and clear our names.
Hooray! The Solar Opposites
are staging a breakout!
[keypad beeping]
- Pupa, you up?
- Yes!
[indiscernible whispering]
♪
[grunting]
♪
Ta-da!
KORVO/TERRY/JESSE/YUMYULACK:
Pupa!
[all cheering]
- Yes!
- Yes!
[sirens wailing]
Alright, the cops are after us.
That's enough Shawshank-ing.
Wait, what the hell are these?
[gasps]
Oh god. Oh no.
POLICEWOMAN:
[over megaphone] We've got you surrounded!
Come out with your hands up!
Come on , Korvo! Let's grab our stuff
and get out of here!
No, no, no! Look at the ribbons!
And the certificates!
Look at the fucking trophies!
But I thought you didn't win
any rib contests?
We all must have erased our minds.
We did do all that
horrible stuff to Pete.
Oh god. We're monsters!
No way, we're always using
sci-fi stuff to help people!
No, we don't.
We're cowards and sneaky shits
who use sci-fi to make
our lives easier.
No one was setting us up,
we really just are horrible people,
I mean, aliens.
POLICEWOMAN: [over megaphone]
Guys, this is your final warning
before things get all pew-pew-pew.
Wait, what?
People don't get tha
Okay, just to be clear,
pew-pew-pew means we're gonna be
shooting bullets out of guns,
not Star Wars lasers.
You guys got that, right?
Look, we're guilty of a lot,
but we can pay the price for Peter.
We have to let ourselves get arrested
and go back to prison.
Hooray! The Solar Opposites
are taking responsibility!
[sirens wailing]
Don't shoot,
we-we-we-we're coming out.
POLICEWOMAN:
Hold your pew-pews!
[handcuffs clicking]
[uplifting music playing]
♪
♪
[foreboding music playing]
♪
[sighs]
- HALK: Tim!
- TIM: What the hell?
Halk Hogam,
what are you doing here?
We need to talk!
Of course, anything for a hero
of Wall War I.
Don't listen to him, Tim.
He's gone crazy.
He's trying
to ruin Cherie Day!
I've caught the real murderer.
He claims he's some kind of runner
who goes outside the Wall
for celery sticks and gum.
He says you
and the Walldermen protect him.
What the hell?
You told me it was a cricket.
That's the line they were trying
to feed me, too.
So this is the man
who's been terrorizing my utopia?
Yes. You assholes,
I told you
Tim would want justice!
My sweet Ethan.
You're supposed to help me.
- What did you do, you stupid boy?
- Wait, what?
I've been making the Wall
a better place for all of us!
- You knew?
- [Tim sighs]
I've known Ethan for a long time.
And yes, there is
a hole in the Wall.
There is a way out.
[Halk gasps]
- My god.
- Ethan does runs for me.
He gets medicine, food,
using a system the Duke set up.
But I didn't know
he was killing people.
I was just exerting my will as a god!
Hey, would you tell him,
you guys, that I'm a god?
You guys knew this was happening?
We were just doing
what we thought you would want.
We wanted to shield you
from the truth
so you could focus
on leading us all.
What you've done goes
against everything we've fought for!
But I know your hearts
are in the right place.
- I won't punish you.
- What?
That's not the way of the Wall.
Fuck no!
They can't just walk away!
- Thank you, Tim.
- Thank you for your mercy, Tim.
But, Ethan, we have to lock you up.
- It's for your own good, my son.
- You can't lock me up!
'Cause I'll just escape
and I'll kill all of you!
Because I am a god.
Halk, please let Ethan go
with the Walldermen.
You have my word:
he won't hurt anyone else.
ETHAN: Ow!
Take him to the holding chamber.
ETHAN:
I can get out of anything. [grunts]
I command you to release me!
Ow, let me go!
[Ethan grunting]
HALK: What's that?
Tim! What are you doing?
Take the carb out, man!
Let us out!
I can't. You let Ethan get away
with sullying the Wall.
The blood is on
all your tiny hands.
Farewell, my friends.
[Sonny grunting]
Oh no, Magic Shell!
[screaming]
[gagging]
Not like this! No!
[gagging]
No, no, no, no, no, Tim!
Tim, I can stop killing!
I'm, I'm better now!
No, no, no!
[screaming]
[gagging]
[cracking]
[sighs]
I had no choice.
They were part of the old way,
part of the problem.
But you, Halk, you can be part
of the solution.
Walk with me.
Even if you didn't know
Ethan was a killer,
you've kept the secret
of the hole this entire time.
I'm not asking you
to give me your trust,
but I owe you the truth,
all of it.
Hear me out, and then
you can decide what you want to do.
[gavel banging]
Terry, Korvo,
Yumyulack, Jesse.
I find you guilty on all counts.
I recommend you to be put to death.
If anyone has an issue with this,
speak now
or forever hold your pe-ace.
- I have something to say.
- [all gasp]
Terry, the replicants,
and I have talked it over,
and we believe that we should,
in fact, be sentenced to death.
We, we deserve it.
Also, "speak now or forever hold
your peace" is for weddings.
Folks, I didn't win the hit
ABC reality show America's Sexiest Judge
just to be disrespected
in my own court space.
Now for the deets
on the execush
- Stop.
- [all gasp]
I believe the Solar Opposites
don't deserve to die.
Whoa!
Whoa, I did not see that coming.
It was that big rib monster
they trapped in the basement.
But I had to keep it cool.
I mean, I was the sexy judge.
Speak your truth, homie.
Yes, they are really,
really terrible people,
which is why they deserve
something worse than the death penalty.
If they die,
they'll only suffer for a moment.
But if they live,
they'll have to suffer the guilt
of what they've done forever.
Oh, we can do that.
I feel totes guilty.
George, I am so sorry.
There are punishments
that will keep them in pain
way longer than killing them,
some real fucked-up stuff.
Like here, let me show you.
Check out this video on YouTube.
Holy fuck, we never even did
something like that at my frat! [screaming on video]
We did get close though.
RIP, Bryce. We miss you, man.
If it's on YouTube,
how bad can it be?
I-I-I bet it's just like weird tickling.
[crowd shouting]
The aliens are going to put on gloves
filled with Brazilian Bullet Ants.
The ants have the most
painful venom on Earth,
and each glove has over 500 ants.
The pain lasts for days!
[crowd shouting, cheering]
[screaming]
- KORVO: I deserve this!
- TERRY: Aah! Me too!!
JESSE: Stingers!
- [crowd cheering]
- MS. FRANKIE: Ha ha ha, yeah!
Woo-hoo-hoo!
[lock beeps]
[engine starts]
♪
We did it!
We out sci-fi'd
those piece of shit aliens!
Oh, it was complicated as hell,
but we did it!
I can't remember,
can you tell us how we did it again?
I used the Bone Changer Ray
to turn a regular pig
into that giant, rib-filled monster.
I bought some Solar Opposites masks
from the Hulu Store's
going-out-of-business sale.
I also got 15 Pen15 pens
that are also dildos.
Matthew, it was a genius idea
to switch the Holiday Spirit Cannon
to 4th of July mode.
MATTHEW: That's right.
Pre-cooked ribs.
Coleslaw poop and salt rub tears.
[grunts]
[farts]
MS. FRANKIE:
And, Roland, excellent call
to use the Make-Alive Ray
to really land the plane.
Holy fuck, I'm aware
of my existence!
- ROLAND: Your name is Peter.
- Pe-ter?
- ROLAND: Aw, geez, don't cha know
- MS: FRANKIE: Today, I've learned a lesson.
MATTHEW: I'm Terry!
I'm gonna do donuts in the yard!
MS. FRANKIE: It was so easy
to leave the harness unbuckled
during our fake family meeting
so Peter could escape.
[grunting]
[gasps, farts]
[glasses clink]
Now those bitch-ass aliens can pay
for all their crimes!
Today, humanity wins!
- Whoa!
- Woo!
Oh shit! What have I done?
- [crowd cheering]
- JESSE: Oh lord, the pain!
I can feel it in my whole body!
YUMYULACK: I can too!
- JESSE: Even in my inner eye!
- YUMYULACK: But it's, it's good!
- We needed it!
- TERRY: We're pieces of shit!
We're big pieces of shitty shit!
KORVO:
Ohh! We'll never be mean again!
We'll learn how to have empathy!
We learned our lesson!
[screaming]
[crowd shouting]
Oh my god,
look at this guy's shirt!
Is that supposed to be
a Wayne's World parody?
- Is your name Mark?
- YUMYULACK: Ow! Ow!
Those movies came out
a million years ago!
What kind of loser gets his name added
to a Wayne's World shirt?
- You suck!
- That's so embarrassing!
You're a real fucking idiot,
you know that!
I can't even look at you!
Get out of here, you fucking freak!
YUMYULACK:
Terry's right, get out of here!
Oh, these ants feel bad,
but shitting on humans
almost evens it out!
[screaming continues]
- [cheering]
- TIM: Oh, wow. Look at this.
Good Cherie Day, everyone.
[laughs]
Oh, that's perfect!
Wow!
Good Cherie Day to you.
I've never told anyone this,
but it's been eating away at me.
Now is the time to tell
the true story of Cherie's death.
The story you know it's a lie.
Yes, she was a hero
who helped me defeat the Duke.
Yes, she was my lover,
and yes, we had a bunch of sex.
- Pussy was poppin'. It was
- Tim, please.
The Duke didn't kill her
during the war.
- HALK: But then how
- TIM: Cherie, she sees this hole,
this little piece of blue sky,
and she snaps.
She started talking crazy.
She wants to force people out
into the backyard
to let them get eaten by owls.
I thought Cherie and I were
on the same page,
but I realized she was
just like the Duke.
In the end,
they both wanted chaos
and didn't stop to think
about the lives
they would ruin on the way.
She fought me.
And I killed Cherie.
I killed the love of my life
to save us all.
No, jus don't say that!
I should've never kept
the Duke's Enforcers in power.
All I did was change their name
to the Walldermen. Clever.
But still, the point of keeping the hole
a secret was to protect people.
Why are you telling me this?
I never asked to be
in charge of this Wall.
It weighs on a man.
And I've been carrying
that weight alone for far too long.
Now we can bear it together.
What do you mean?
I leave it up to you:
you can tell everyone the truth.
Life will change,
it might be hard, but that's life.
Or you can help me cover this up.
We'll hide what Ethan did,
and life can continue.
[sighs]
Either way, it feels good
to not be the man on top of it all.
So, Halk
what are you going to do?
Wallians, welcome to the first
annual Cherie Day.
[crowd cheering, applauding]
Before we get to celebrating
our fallen hero,
there is an important
announcement to make.
But you won't be
hearing it from me.
[crowd murmuring]
We captured the murderer.
It was
a rogue cricket
who got in the Wall.
[cheering]
That's right!
Thank you, Halk!
You're a hero once again.
We can now go back
to life knowing
the Wall is safer
than ever before!
For Cherie!
Cherie! Cherie!
Cherie!
CROWD:
Cherie! Cherie!
Cherie! Cherie!
[dramatic theme playing]
♪
[mimicking laser fire]
[dramatic theme playing]
♪
This place is amazing.
How do they keep incrementally improving
products year after year?
Oh. The Apple Pencil Pro is far superior
to last year's disgusting,
obsolete Apple Pencil.
The new one can write in cursive.
I literally saw Emily Dickinson
writing poetry with it
in the Apple TV+ show Dickinson
on my Apple TV!
Oh, they have
a U2 branded Wi-Fi router?
Wow! It's red!
For every four bars of signal you get,
Bono sends a pair of shoes
to a sea turtle.
Hey there, you looking for a repair
Fetch me an Apple Pencil Pro,
Apple servant.
You got it.
You want a charging necklace too?
The pencil runs out of batteries very fa
[screaming] Get away from me! Wee!
- Help!
- Oh my god, Pete, you okay?
These are the psycho aliens
that tortured me in their dungeon!
That's impossible. We turned
our dungeon into a Florida room.
Yeah, we've never even met
this fuckin' freak show!
- Hello, sir, I'm
- Don't touch me!
Siri, call the cops!
SIRI:
Playing Destiny's Child.
[siren wailing]
♪
That's them!
[camera shutter clicking]
[gloves stretching]
- He doesn't have a hole.
- We'll just have to make one.
Hey, how's it going?
The Solar Opposites are going to jail!
KORVO:
Planet Shlorp was a perfect utopia
until the asteroid hit.
One hundred adults and their replicants
were issued a Pupa
and escaped into, uh, the space,
searching for new homes
on uninhabited worlds.
We crashed on Earth, stranding us
on an already overpopulated planet.
That's right, I've been talking
this whole time.
I'm the one holding the Pupa.
My name's Korvo.
This is, this is my show.
I just dropped the Pupa. Do you see me?
[stammers]
This is ridiculous.
I hate Earth.
It's a horrible home.
People are stupid and confusing.
Do they like Brendan Fraser or not?
He's a good guy.
Give him a chance.
♪
[ominous music playing]
♪
Chris Cicowski, 35.
Mandy Sinclair, 28.
Jeffrey Dean Dorgan, 33.
Agnes Peterbort,
75 years old.
Tomorrow would have been
her birthday.
Cool list, bro. I take my coffee
with a splash of mouse milk.
Then maybe you don't understand
what's happening here.
You're done.
I know you killed all those people,
I was an executive story editor
on Bones seasons five through nine
and let me tell you, friend,
that's a season wrap on Ethan!
Aw. You never even got a bump
to co-producer? Pathetic.
I bet they just stuck you
in the Bones joke room.
We didn't have a joke room,
it was an innuendo room.
And I was only there
for the back nine.
[exhales]
If you ever want to see
the halogen reptile lamp
that Yumyulack uses to simulate
the light of day again,
you better start cooperating.
- [yawns]
- Buddy, you got it all wrong.
I'm going to be walking out of here,
and you're not.
You think Tim and the Walldermen
are just gonna let you go?
Oh yeah, babe.
Without me, Tim is nothing.
Nada, zero, zilch.
Oh wow, I didn't realize I was talking
to someone so important.
You think Jesse gives us CLIF bars,
chewable Tylenol, and Dasani water?
[laughs]
Come on.
All that protein and medicine
that you're used to?
This guy.
So I'm supposed to believe
you're killing people during the week,
then turning big and running errands
on the weekends?
Oh my god, you're so stupid.
Listen, there is a hole
in the top of the Wall.
It's been there
since before the war.
The Duke would use it
to bring in extra supplies
to keep control
of the population.
A top-secret hole that
we could use to escape, huh?
You have quite
the imagination, murderer.
Broheim had
an Amazon Fresh subscription.
They'd throw the deliveries on the roof,
then I'd just climb out and I'd get ‘em.
Now I do the same thing
for my close personal friend, Tim.
[grunts]
I'm sick of this bullshit!
There's no hole in the Wall,
and I won't let you drag Tim's good name.
In the beforefore time,
I was a rock climbing instructor
at Bally's Total Fitness.
Outside the Wall,
the only thing I used to murder
was indoor climbing walls.
And I care why?
Once I got in here,
I had so much temptation,
you know, so many potential victims,
and no rock climbing to distract me.
At first, I was going to kill myself.
That way, I wouldn't murder anyone.
But then you saved me.
- What?
- Oh, you don't remember, do you?
I am the one who started
the flooding of the Nerds.
My plan was to die in that Nerd pile
and finally escape my impulses.
But then you saved me.
♪
- Oh my god.
- That's when I knew I was special.
You saved me
so I could fulfill my destiny.
[laughs] I'm a god!
- Shut up!
- I'm a god!
[cackling]
MAN: Let's go.
Let's get in here.
- Let's do this.
- Welp, that's my ride.
Okay, let's say there is
some big conspiracy
to help you kill
innocent people.
But now you've told me
the whole plan, Mr. Total Fitness.
So what happens next?
I don't know, they'll probably just come
in here and kill you
and then blame it on a cricket.
What? How the hell
do you know about the cricket?
These guys aren't exactly
creative geniuses.
They always just blame it
on a cricket.
[buzzer sounds]
Has anyone mistreated you
since you got here?
I'm not saying anything
until our lawyer gets here.
Oh my god, I'm your lawyer.
How many times do we have
to go over this?
Objection, overruled,
I rest my case.
This isn't even the trial
forget it.
Let me walk you
through the accusations,
and I gotta say,
they seem very specific.
According to Peter,
the, uh, Okja-type character,
this all started off
when Korvo got annoyed
at an annual
Rib Fest-style block party
on the street
outside your house
[rock music playing on speakers]
[inaudible chatter]
Pupa, put those delicious ribs down!
Goddammit,
I hate this stupid Rib Fest.
There's nowhere to park,
they play rib jams all day,
and some guy who's not me
always wins the "Best Ribs" competition!
Why can't Korvo
be a winner for once?
You know, Korvo, you could take
some barbecue classes
at The Learning Annex
or watch some YouTube videos,
chefnap Paula Deen
Kidnapping people takes too long,
I'll just use sci-fi shit!
STEPHANIE: The prosecution claims
Korvo created a giant pig thing
that self-cooked racks
of award-winning ribs
out of its chest,
whose blood tasted like
delicious barbecue sauce,
and when struck
"shat out all the fixins."
KORVO: Dammit, that does sound like
something I would do.
Right down to the "fixin'" shits.
Where am I? Wh-what am I?
Are you my dad? Wee! Help!
Ohh!
- Whoa-oh! Oh!
- Mm, that's good rib.
Could use a little
barbecue sauce though.
Oh no!
STEPHANIE: Korvo won
five straight Rib Fest gold medals,
dethroning Lizzo's cousin, Ribbo,
as the Rib Fest champion.
Please let me go.
Hold still, I need a potluck worth
of your shit for a church event tonight.
Korvo, wait! I need Peter
to help me with my math homework.
He's not going to be able
to focus if he's screaming.
What's the X in this equation?
Tell me!
Hi, guys! Are we having a
Oh my god, what's that?
Please, little girl! These guys
are crazy. You gotta help me!
Don't worry, little guy. Jesse's here.
You have to let him go!
You can't just keep a creature trapped
in your basement and torture it.
You clearly don't understand
how important it is to win rib contests.
- Ohhh! Oh!
- [sobbing] Oh god!
Guys! Come watch me do donuts
on the front lawn!
I finally figured out how to do it.
Turns out it's a circle!
- Awesome!
- Alright.
[door closes]
[grunting]
[gasps, farts]
- [cheering]
- TERRY: Fuck you, lawn! Woo!
- Yeah-hey! Woo!
- [tires screeching]
STEPHANIE: Peter escaped
while you were distracted by the donuts.
He spent a few nights in the woods,
then he moved on with his life,
got his MFA
in interpretive dance,
couldn't find work, duh,
so he got a job at the Apple Store
with all the other people
who have MFAs.
Okay, look: full disclosure,
that story really did sound
like something
we would do, r-right?
Yeah, I mean, it feels like
something we'd pitch to Hulu
and they'd say,
"We don't understand it but go for it."
But I don't remember any of it.
I never went to a Rib Fest or met
this delicious rib-looking Peter guy.
Yeah, just because
the story "sounded like us"
doesn't mean we did it.
Yeah, we're good people.
Remember that time we turned
that homeless guy's blood
into Vitamin Water?
O-o-or when we killed
millions of bees
so people wouldn't get stung?
Yeah, we invented vaping,
that has to count for something!
You're both right.
We're great.
This was one hundred percent not us!
Well, Peter is a convincing witness.
Plus he's a big alien thing
and you're aliens,
so it's not hard
to think that you did this.
- What does that mean for us?
- It means you're fucked.
[slams table]
This is your last chance
to let me go, buddy.
Here they they're coming,
do you feel 'em?
Do you feel 'em? They're coming.
It's all over for you. Get ready.
Oh, that hurt.
Halk. Calm down, big guy,
don't do anything crazy.
Just put the Ring Pop knife down.
- Stay back!
- Let me kill him, please!
- What are you doing?
- He's the killer!
The 7 was an L,
it was upside-down.
He lived in a fortune cookie.
Wait, what are you talking about?
If you caught the real killer,
then great!
But if you kill him,
it'll just make you a killer too.
Stay back! Don't take
another fuckin' step.
[buzzer sounds]
You know,
I bet prison isn't all that bad.
All I have to do is bide my time
until I go to the Sorting Hat.
You know what I'm saying,
my man?
You're confusing prison
with the Harry Potter movies.
Don't make assumptions about people,
he might've read the books.
Fuck you! Even if he had,
he couldn't avoid
the cultural impact of the movies!
- [grunting]
- Come on, you won't fight me!
Aah! Does this mean
I don't get to be in Hufflepuff?
Aah! Ow!
Ow! God!
What the fuck!
Oh no, please tell me you got
a backup crack pipe inside that butt.
How does everyone in this prison
have so many shivs?
Well, they teach
a shiv-making class on weekends.
- Why?
- Yumyulack, you know what they say:
give a man a shiv,
he shivs for a day.
Now, teach a man to shiv
Ugh, this place is horrible.
There's hardly any sushi,
the guy making
the sushi is a rapist,
and he charges you airport prices
right before he shivs you.
This is fucking bullshit.
I know we didn't do this to Peter.
We're nice, Pupa-fearing,
Fox News-believing members of society.
How did we get here then?
There's only one explanation.
The Solar Opposites are getting set up.
[Jesse, Terry, Yumyulack gasp]
Someone wanted to take us down.
It's a conspiracy,
and we can't trust anyone.
Oh!
You think Peter's the mastermind?
No way! Peter's the best.
He has the face and ribs of an angel.
How could you say that about Peter
after everything he's been through?
Seriously, Terry, go fuck yourself.
If sweet angel Peter
didn't do it, who did?
Is there someone in our world
we offended in some way?
Um, last week Yumyulack and I
didn't want to take a history test,
so we used the Bone Changer Ray
to turn Ms. Frankie's bones into metal
like Marvel's Wolverine.
[metal detector beeping]
[gasps]
- What's happening to me? Argh!
- Hello, sweetie!
Did you forget to take your keys
out of your pocket again?
[all screaming]
[screams]
Jesus, that's grim.
It must have been Ms. Frankie.
Well, hold on, there was also
this thing with Roland last Tuesday
I just watched Toy Story 4,
and I thought it would be fun
to make someone's toys come alive.
So I zapped this guy's stuff
with our Make-Alive Ray.
Live , motherfuckers, live!
[ray zapping]
Why is my stuff alive?
What's happening?
[screaming]
[growling]
That's messed up, Terry.
But another viable suspect.
- It could also be Matthew.
- Who?
He's the neighborhood fuckboi
who hates me for no reason.
He's kind of my nemesis.
Matthew told me I wasn't allowed
to wear Christ-mas sweaters
because I don't know anything
about Christ-mas,
whatever the fuck that is.
So I decided to shoot him
with the sci-fi holiday cannon.
[explosion booms]
Oh!
Oh god! No!
I can't feel my soul!
Who doesn't know
about Christ-mas now, you fuck?
Okay, wow, we just flashed back
to three really good options
for who's framing us.
Honestly, there could be dozens
of hundreds more.
Guys, stop. Think about it.
There's no way
humans could do this.
- They're dumb as fuck.
- Yum's right, they hella dumb.
They're so budget.
Jesse, stop trying to make budget
the new basic.
But yes, in this one instance,
they are budget.
But someone did this to us.
Someone who's smart,
powerful, handsome,
loves animals,
has cheek bones for days,
lots of time on their hands.
Who could it be?
- JESSE/KORVO/YUMYULACK: Obama!
- TERRY: Dora the Explorer!
Yes, Obama!
The pride of Occidental College.
Motherfucker's been on our shit
ever since we out-windsurfed him in Cabo.
We have to break out of prison
and clear our names.
Hooray! The Solar Opposites
are staging a breakout!
[keypad beeping]
- Pupa, you up?
- Yes!
[indiscernible whispering]
♪
[grunting]
♪
Ta-da!
KORVO/TERRY/JESSE/YUMYULACK:
Pupa!
[all cheering]
- Yes!
- Yes!
[sirens wailing]
Alright, the cops are after us.
That's enough Shawshank-ing.
Wait, what the hell are these?
[gasps]
Oh god. Oh no.
POLICEWOMAN:
[over megaphone] We've got you surrounded!
Come out with your hands up!
Come on , Korvo! Let's grab our stuff
and get out of here!
No, no, no! Look at the ribbons!
And the certificates!
Look at the fucking trophies!
But I thought you didn't win
any rib contests?
We all must have erased our minds.
We did do all that
horrible stuff to Pete.
Oh god. We're monsters!
No way, we're always using
sci-fi stuff to help people!
No, we don't.
We're cowards and sneaky shits
who use sci-fi to make
our lives easier.
No one was setting us up,
we really just are horrible people,
I mean, aliens.
POLICEWOMAN: [over megaphone]
Guys, this is your final warning
before things get all pew-pew-pew.
Wait, what?
People don't get tha
Okay, just to be clear,
pew-pew-pew means we're gonna be
shooting bullets out of guns,
not Star Wars lasers.
You guys got that, right?
Look, we're guilty of a lot,
but we can pay the price for Peter.
We have to let ourselves get arrested
and go back to prison.
Hooray! The Solar Opposites
are taking responsibility!
[sirens wailing]
Don't shoot,
we-we-we-we're coming out.
POLICEWOMAN:
Hold your pew-pews!
[handcuffs clicking]
[uplifting music playing]
♪
♪
[foreboding music playing]
♪
[sighs]
- HALK: Tim!
- TIM: What the hell?
Halk Hogam,
what are you doing here?
We need to talk!
Of course, anything for a hero
of Wall War I.
Don't listen to him, Tim.
He's gone crazy.
He's trying
to ruin Cherie Day!
I've caught the real murderer.
He claims he's some kind of runner
who goes outside the Wall
for celery sticks and gum.
He says you
and the Walldermen protect him.
What the hell?
You told me it was a cricket.
That's the line they were trying
to feed me, too.
So this is the man
who's been terrorizing my utopia?
Yes. You assholes,
I told you
Tim would want justice!
My sweet Ethan.
You're supposed to help me.
- What did you do, you stupid boy?
- Wait, what?
I've been making the Wall
a better place for all of us!
- You knew?
- [Tim sighs]
I've known Ethan for a long time.
And yes, there is
a hole in the Wall.
There is a way out.
[Halk gasps]
- My god.
- Ethan does runs for me.
He gets medicine, food,
using a system the Duke set up.
But I didn't know
he was killing people.
I was just exerting my will as a god!
Hey, would you tell him,
you guys, that I'm a god?
You guys knew this was happening?
We were just doing
what we thought you would want.
We wanted to shield you
from the truth
so you could focus
on leading us all.
What you've done goes
against everything we've fought for!
But I know your hearts
are in the right place.
- I won't punish you.
- What?
That's not the way of the Wall.
Fuck no!
They can't just walk away!
- Thank you, Tim.
- Thank you for your mercy, Tim.
But, Ethan, we have to lock you up.
- It's for your own good, my son.
- You can't lock me up!
'Cause I'll just escape
and I'll kill all of you!
Because I am a god.
Halk, please let Ethan go
with the Walldermen.
You have my word:
he won't hurt anyone else.
ETHAN: Ow!
Take him to the holding chamber.
ETHAN:
I can get out of anything. [grunts]
I command you to release me!
Ow, let me go!
[Ethan grunting]
HALK: What's that?
Tim! What are you doing?
Take the carb out, man!
Let us out!
I can't. You let Ethan get away
with sullying the Wall.
The blood is on
all your tiny hands.
Farewell, my friends.
[Sonny grunting]
Oh no, Magic Shell!
[screaming]
[gagging]
Not like this! No!
[gagging]
No, no, no, no, no, Tim!
Tim, I can stop killing!
I'm, I'm better now!
No, no, no!
[screaming]
[gagging]
[cracking]
[sighs]
I had no choice.
They were part of the old way,
part of the problem.
But you, Halk, you can be part
of the solution.
Walk with me.
Even if you didn't know
Ethan was a killer,
you've kept the secret
of the hole this entire time.
I'm not asking you
to give me your trust,
but I owe you the truth,
all of it.
Hear me out, and then
you can decide what you want to do.
[gavel banging]
Terry, Korvo,
Yumyulack, Jesse.
I find you guilty on all counts.
I recommend you to be put to death.
If anyone has an issue with this,
speak now
or forever hold your pe-ace.
- I have something to say.
- [all gasp]
Terry, the replicants,
and I have talked it over,
and we believe that we should,
in fact, be sentenced to death.
We, we deserve it.
Also, "speak now or forever hold
your peace" is for weddings.
Folks, I didn't win the hit
ABC reality show America's Sexiest Judge
just to be disrespected
in my own court space.
Now for the deets
on the execush
- Stop.
- [all gasp]
I believe the Solar Opposites
don't deserve to die.
Whoa!
Whoa, I did not see that coming.
It was that big rib monster
they trapped in the basement.
But I had to keep it cool.
I mean, I was the sexy judge.
Speak your truth, homie.
Yes, they are really,
really terrible people,
which is why they deserve
something worse than the death penalty.
If they die,
they'll only suffer for a moment.
But if they live,
they'll have to suffer the guilt
of what they've done forever.
Oh, we can do that.
I feel totes guilty.
George, I am so sorry.
There are punishments
that will keep them in pain
way longer than killing them,
some real fucked-up stuff.
Like here, let me show you.
Check out this video on YouTube.
Holy fuck, we never even did
something like that at my frat! [screaming on video]
We did get close though.
RIP, Bryce. We miss you, man.
If it's on YouTube,
how bad can it be?
I-I-I bet it's just like weird tickling.
[crowd shouting]
The aliens are going to put on gloves
filled with Brazilian Bullet Ants.
The ants have the most
painful venom on Earth,
and each glove has over 500 ants.
The pain lasts for days!
[crowd shouting, cheering]
[screaming]
- KORVO: I deserve this!
- TERRY: Aah! Me too!!
JESSE: Stingers!
- [crowd cheering]
- MS. FRANKIE: Ha ha ha, yeah!
Woo-hoo-hoo!
[lock beeps]
[engine starts]
♪
We did it!
We out sci-fi'd
those piece of shit aliens!
Oh, it was complicated as hell,
but we did it!
I can't remember,
can you tell us how we did it again?
I used the Bone Changer Ray
to turn a regular pig
into that giant, rib-filled monster.
I bought some Solar Opposites masks
from the Hulu Store's
going-out-of-business sale.
I also got 15 Pen15 pens
that are also dildos.
Matthew, it was a genius idea
to switch the Holiday Spirit Cannon
to 4th of July mode.
MATTHEW: That's right.
Pre-cooked ribs.
Coleslaw poop and salt rub tears.
[grunts]
[farts]
MS. FRANKIE:
And, Roland, excellent call
to use the Make-Alive Ray
to really land the plane.
Holy fuck, I'm aware
of my existence!
- ROLAND: Your name is Peter.
- Pe-ter?
- ROLAND: Aw, geez, don't cha know
- MS: FRANKIE: Today, I've learned a lesson.
MATTHEW: I'm Terry!
I'm gonna do donuts in the yard!
MS. FRANKIE: It was so easy
to leave the harness unbuckled
during our fake family meeting
so Peter could escape.
[grunting]
[gasps, farts]
[glasses clink]
Now those bitch-ass aliens can pay
for all their crimes!
Today, humanity wins!
- Whoa!
- Woo!
Oh shit! What have I done?
- [crowd cheering]
- JESSE: Oh lord, the pain!
I can feel it in my whole body!
YUMYULACK: I can too!
- JESSE: Even in my inner eye!
- YUMYULACK: But it's, it's good!
- We needed it!
- TERRY: We're pieces of shit!
We're big pieces of shitty shit!
KORVO:
Ohh! We'll never be mean again!
We'll learn how to have empathy!
We learned our lesson!
[screaming]
[crowd shouting]
Oh my god,
look at this guy's shirt!
Is that supposed to be
a Wayne's World parody?
- Is your name Mark?
- YUMYULACK: Ow! Ow!
Those movies came out
a million years ago!
What kind of loser gets his name added
to a Wayne's World shirt?
- You suck!
- That's so embarrassing!
You're a real fucking idiot,
you know that!
I can't even look at you!
Get out of here, you fucking freak!
YUMYULACK:
Terry's right, get out of here!
Oh, these ants feel bad,
but shitting on humans
almost evens it out!
[screaming continues]
- [cheering]
- TIM: Oh, wow. Look at this.
Good Cherie Day, everyone.
[laughs]
Oh, that's perfect!
Wow!
Good Cherie Day to you.
I've never told anyone this,
but it's been eating away at me.
Now is the time to tell
the true story of Cherie's death.
The story you know it's a lie.
Yes, she was a hero
who helped me defeat the Duke.
Yes, she was my lover,
and yes, we had a bunch of sex.
- Pussy was poppin'. It was
- Tim, please.
The Duke didn't kill her
during the war.
- HALK: But then how
- TIM: Cherie, she sees this hole,
this little piece of blue sky,
and she snaps.
She started talking crazy.
She wants to force people out
into the backyard
to let them get eaten by owls.
I thought Cherie and I were
on the same page,
but I realized she was
just like the Duke.
In the end,
they both wanted chaos
and didn't stop to think
about the lives
they would ruin on the way.
She fought me.
And I killed Cherie.
I killed the love of my life
to save us all.
No, jus don't say that!
I should've never kept
the Duke's Enforcers in power.
All I did was change their name
to the Walldermen. Clever.
But still, the point of keeping the hole
a secret was to protect people.
Why are you telling me this?
I never asked to be
in charge of this Wall.
It weighs on a man.
And I've been carrying
that weight alone for far too long.
Now we can bear it together.
What do you mean?
I leave it up to you:
you can tell everyone the truth.
Life will change,
it might be hard, but that's life.
Or you can help me cover this up.
We'll hide what Ethan did,
and life can continue.
[sighs]
Either way, it feels good
to not be the man on top of it all.
So, Halk
what are you going to do?
Wallians, welcome to the first
annual Cherie Day.
[crowd cheering, applauding]
Before we get to celebrating
our fallen hero,
there is an important
announcement to make.
But you won't be
hearing it from me.
[crowd murmuring]
We captured the murderer.
It was
a rogue cricket
who got in the Wall.
[cheering]
That's right!
Thank you, Halk!
You're a hero once again.
We can now go back
to life knowing
the Wall is safer
than ever before!
For Cherie!
Cherie! Cherie!
Cherie!
CROWD:
Cherie! Cherie!
Cherie! Cherie!
[dramatic theme playing]
♪
[mimicking laser fire]