Son of a Critch (2022) s02e06 Episode Script

1
ADULT MARK: I was hypnotized
by the world inside our television.
It seemed so far away that it
couldn't possibly be real
Until it was.
ANNOUNCER: [ON TV] From
Vegas to Newfoundland
The greatest hypnotist on earth!
I am Hudaro!
two, one
Aah! And you'll become
a famous opera star!
Now you're Napoleon,
and you're a kangaroo!
This is no good.
This chair's old.
Well, so are you.
You don't see me throwing you away.
HUDARO: [ON TV] You're two years old.
PARTICIPANT: They said I
was dancing like a chicken,
but I don't remember a thing!
Hudaro is amazing!
Don't miss your chance to
see the unfathomable Hudaro!
Can we go? Can we, please?
He can't be any good
if he's comin' here.
HUDARO: Who dares dare
Hudaro? Hudaro dares!
ANNOUNCER: Hudaro! Two
nights only, St. John's!
He's playing at school!
No way!
MIKE SR.: Must be terrible.
All right, we'll go.
Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo!
ADULT MARK: Being a newsman,
the old man loved a train wreck.
Mark, I found your math test.
Did you hide this so I wouldn't find it?
Will I be in less trouble
if I answer honestly?
You are spending too much
time glued to that idiot box!
No show for you until
you get your grades up!
But, Mom, it's just a quiz!
The actual test is on Friday.
Come on, Mary. Let the boy
17.50?!
Good God!
Listen to your mother. You're not going.
No.
HUDARO: Don't you dare miss it!
["HINTERLAND WHO'S WHO" PLAYING ON TV]
Good news!
It's not me, it's not the chair,
it was my pants!
- MARY: Oh
- POP: They were too tight!
Ahh!
Oh, much better!
Turn it up!
♪
What's this about?
Probably school picture day.
Mom never buys 'em.
I'm not combing my hair for that.
ADULT MARK: Fox's folks had enough kids
to fill their own yearbook,
so they opted for the
watermarked sample.
I like picture day.
You know, if I'm gonna be an actor,
I'll need an updated headshot.
And I get to trade photos this year
now that I finally have friends.
Yeah, Fox, you should get
one so we can all trade.
Whatever.
Maybe.
SISTER ROSE: [INTO MIC] Children
As we enter the holy season of Lent,
we must make sacrifices.
Yes, we encourage you to
give something up for Lent.
Perhaps some candy, or
television, or video games.
Our Lord was beaten and crucified.
But yes, Ms. Fowler,
you could give up
Candy.
Even-Steven.
MS. FOWLER: Yes.
Well, a special guest is here
and he's offered you a free show.
ADULT MARK: It couldn't be!
Please welcome, all
the way from Las Vegas,
the unfathomable Hudaro!
[APPLAUSE & CHEERING]
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]
Hello, St. Bridget's!
Who dares dare Hudaro?
Hudaro dares!
[APPLAUSE & CHEERING]
You!
♪
Seven, six, hearing only my voice,
five, four,
and you will become the
world-renowned opera singer,
Madame Fowler,
in, three, two, one
Sing!
[SINGS SUSTAINED NOTE]
[LAUGHTER]
[VOCALIZING]
[APPLAUSE]
What do you think, children?
Should we leave her like this?
She could tour the world!
[APPLAUSE CONTINUES]
[SINGING STOPS]
[APPLAUSE & CHEERING]
Thank you, boys and girls!
[QUIETLY] Sorry.
Now, Hudaro knows there is magic
in each and every one of you.
So, who would like
to see some more, huh?
- MARK: Yes!
- RITCHIE: Yes!
Hudaro can't hear you!
[APPLAUSE & CHEERING]
Mom, we have to go! It was unfathomable!
You better not have
missed math for that!
I don't know, Mark. Tonight?
You haven't heard the best part yet.
He offered us free tickets!
Free?
Yeah, free for students so long
as they bring a paying adult.
[SIGHS] Bloody tinker carny.
Pop!
Pants at the dinner table!
I have put on a bit of weight,
so I'm just gonna go on the salads.
Don't worry, I'll be
back in pants in no time.
Pancake day!
Oh, for Christ's sake.
ADULT MARK: On the day before
giving something up for Lent,
Catholics eat pancakes
Because religion is weird.
I just started a diet, and
now you're serving dinner
with "cake" in the name.
Temptress!
POP: Oh, well.
Go on, then.
I'll have three.
- MARY: No, you don't.
- POP: What?
Nobody wants you back
in pants more than I do.
[CHOKING SOUND]
Oh, be careful biting
in there! Don't choke!
ADULT MARK: The tradition is
that your fortune is hidden
inside the pancake.
A nail means you'll be a carpenter,
a button means you'll be
a tailor, a coin means
- POP: [LAUGHS]
- MARY: You're gonna be rich!
Does that mean we have enough
money to go to the show?
Enough!
Look, give me a pancake
and I'll buy you a ticket.
That's perfect.
Mom
The math test is Friday.
I'll do better then, I promise!
Fine! On one condition!
You get an A.
- MARK: D?
- MARY: C!
Deal! Yes, thank you!
POP: Mmm! [GRUNTS]
A button!
I told you pants were in my future!
♪
That's my good makeup.
Picture day is tomorrow,
and I thought you might buy 'em if I
SUZANNE: Oh, my sacred heart!
[SIGHS]
Don't you fret, my dear.
We are gonna make you look
just like your poor ol' mudder.
[COSMETICS BAG UNZIPS]
All right, St John's!
Dick Dunphy here from the mighty
590 VOCM!
[ONE PERSON CLAPS]
Are you ready for
Hu-da-row?
[APPLAUSE & CHEERING]
ANNOUNCER: From Vegas to Newfoundland,
the greatest hypnotist on earth!
Woo!
You know this is all a bunch
of gobbledygook, don't ya?
Mom, it's not fake!
It's from Las Vegas!
Oh, jeez.
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen!
Tonight, I invite you
to free your subconscious
from the shackles that you
yourself imprisoned it with.
But Hudaro is nothing
without volunteers.
So, audience, I ask you
Who dare dares Hudaro?
WOMAN: Ooh, ooh! Over here, over here!
WOMAN: Pick me, pick me!
HUDARO: You, ma'am! And you!
- WOMAN: Me in the back!
- MARY: Mark!
Oh, you little shagger!
And one very enthusiastic boy, I see.
ADULT MARK: A stage!
It wasn't Hudaro who had hypnotized me,
it was the audience!
[APPLAUSE]
Welcome, St. John's!
I am the remarkable Mark,
the Impossi-boy-list.
I've never been so proud.
I coulda swore I wore pants.
[APPLAUSE]
HUDARO: Hear only my voice
Hearing only my voice
Only my voice matters
ADULT MARK: Concentration
was never my thing.
I was too late.
Two, one, now listen to the music!
[MUSIC STARTS PLAYING]
Because now you can play
that musical instrument
that you have always wanted to play.
In fact, you're the best in the world!
So, play, my orchestra!
Play!
[APPLAUSE & LAUGHTER]
ADULT MARK: I wasn't good at studying,
but I was a quick study.
HUDARO: That's it!
What beautiful music!
[LAUGHTER & APPLAUSE]
Hudaro knows you are faking, boy,
because a hypnotized
subject never uses props.
Make a fool of me on my
stage, and I will end you.
Beautiful music, no?
[APPLAUSE & LAUGHTER CONTINUES]
ADULT MARK: I might not
have been hypnotized,
but I would have done anything
to stay on that stage.
Ah, so refreshing!
ADULT MARK: And I did.
You take a sip, Mark.
Oh no, Mark, that water is boiling hot!
- MARK: Augh, augh!
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHTER]
Now it is 140-proof screech!
ADULT MARK: The more I faked it,
the more Hudaro loved it.
I started to wonder who
was hypnotizing who!
HUDARO: Got my keys, I'm going home.
Swim, Mark! Swim for your life!
And now you're a cat!
A little kitty-cat.
Come after the mouse!
Yes! He has the mouse!
[LAUGHTER]
HUDARO: Well, audience!
Haven't we had tremendous
fun with young Mark?
I think it's time to say thank you.
You'll return in two, one
- [SNAPS]
- MAN: Woo-hoo-hoo!
HUDARO: Take a bow.
[APPLAUSE]
ADULT MARK: I had been faking,
but their applause was real.
And it was hypnotic.
[APPLAUSE CONTINUES]
HUDARO: Goodnight, St. John's!
That was amazing! Ha!
You did well, boy.
You're a natural entertainer.
Not that hypnosis is entertainment.
It is science!
Of course.
Say, how would you like to be my protégé
for the rest of the week?
We'll do the same show tomorrow,
exactly as we just did it.
Don't worry. I'll pay
attention this time.
- I'll be out like a light.
- HUDARO: No, no, no.
We'll do it exactly as we just did it.
Oh, so you want me to fake it again?
No, uh
More like a demonstration
of what is possible.
Okay? Now, I can't pay you, but
how about
I give you a poster of Hudaro, hmm?
And "Stop Overeating with Hudaro"
on long-playing record,
and "Concentrate with Hudaro."
Best-seller.
MARK: [LAUGHS] I would
have done it for free.
Then we have a deal, then!
Now, I will see you at noon tomorrow
at my place of residence.
Oh!
But I have class.
But you're an entertainer.
Teachers will try and
put your mind in a box.
But I can help you free it.
People like us, we don't need school!
Hudaro quit school when
he was younger than you,
and now look at him!
Hudaro plays schools.
ADULT MARK: I may not
have been hypnotized,
but I was under his spell.
I'll be there.
I knew you would be.
Oh, wow.
ADULT MARK: I was in show business!
♪
♪
It's school picture day tomorrow.
What do you think?
I think he looks like an ass.
Oh!
Well, listen to this.
HUDARO: [ON RECORD] It is I, Hudaro.
Hudaro dares you to stop overeating.
Pssht.
It's a pile of bull.
He's just a con artist.
He has dedicated his life
to entertaining people!
Come on, you don't believe
this nonsense, do you?
He's amazing!
You should have seen me!
I was an alien, I was
playing the fiddle,
I felt like I could do anything!
Oh. Well, how do you know?
I thought you were
supposed to be hypnotized.
Well, I wasn't technically.
I was acting, but it
totally looked like I was.
But it was this cool trick
Oh, I see! So you were faking it, huh?
POP: You were lying to everybody.
No, no, no. It was a demonstration.
Manure. Cow dung.
It's still a pile of
Pop!
I don't know what it was, but it
was the best feeling of my life.
[CHUCKLES] He didn't do that to you.
You did it.
That's not hypnosis.
Perfectly relaxed now.
Nineteen
Your eyes are heavy with relaxation.
You know overeating is bad for you.
- Relaxing deeper now
- [POP SNORING]
ADULT MARK: Pop, Mom, Hudaro
I had so many people in my head
there wasn't any room for me anymore.
Ash Wednesday is when Catholic
rub ash on their forehead
to remind themselves of Wednesday came.
Ashes to ashes.
Because religions are weird.
This year, Ash Wednesday
fell on Picture Day.
Well, we can't let them get
their pictures taken like that!
Oh, no?
Attention, students.
If anyone dares wipe the
ash from their forehead
in an attempt at vanity,
it will be the last thing they do.
I can't believe this.
We couldn't possibly
look more ridiculous.
[ROXETTE'S "THE LOOK" PLAYING]
♪
♪
Whoa.
♪
Walking like a man ♪
Hitting like a hammer,
she's a juvenile scam ♪
Never was a quitter,
tasty like a raindrop ♪
She's got the look ♪
Heavenly bound ♪
'Cause heaven's got her number ♪
When she's spinning me around ♪
Kissing is a colour,
her loving is a wild dog ♪
She's got the look ♪
She's got the look ♪
(She's got the look) ♪
I thought you didn't care
about school picture day!
I don't.
Then why do you have so much
Uh, it's very subtle.
God. Everyone's staring now.
Do I got something on belonged to you?
Don't worry. We're all
gonna look like idiots.
Not that you do. I-I was just
La la la la la ♪
She's got the look! ♪
♪
Ooh
Mmm.
[EERIE MUSIC]
[EERIE MUSIC]
Bloody witch.
[SHUTTER CLICKS]
SISTER ROSE: Next.
ADULT MARK: It was as if I
could hear him in my mind
calling out to me,
"You're only missing Picture Day!
"Come to me, my protege!"
SISTER ROSE: Next.
Oh
Trust me, it's not as
noticeable as the eye-shadow.
- Aah!
- [SHUTTER CLICKS]
Ah! Excellent.
Enter the domicile of Hudaro!
I've never seen a hotel room before.
HUDARO: Hmm! Motel.
I only need to open my
door to access my vehicle.
That's lesson number one:
a performer must always
be ready to hit the road
at a moment's notice!
MARK: Cool! Is that Kraft Dinner?
HUDARO: Mm-hm.
I didn't know you could
cook it in a coffee pot!
Well you'll eat a lot
of meals on the road, Mark.
If you become a performer.
You really think I could
live like this one day?
I don't know.
Do you believe?
ADULT MARK: I had found my Obi-Wan.
I
Yes.
Yes, I'm ready to start my training!
Good. Lesson number two:
a performer should always look his best.
Yeah, there you go.
Now
take this.
Oh, Mr. Hudaro, sir, I couldn't.
I'm not ready for that.
[SIGHS] Take this home and wash it.
There's no good laundry service in town.
MARK: [CLEARS THROAT]
And do it by hand.
Hudaro needs to look his best.
I mean, what is Superman
without a cape, huh?
And have it back in time
for tonight's show, alright?
Actually, I have this math test
that I promised I'd do well in,
and I just thought that
maybe you could give me
Ah, you know what?
I think this is enough for today.
Hudaro needs to rest.
Oh, there's a third lesson:
- never miss an opportunity for a nap.
- But
♪
ADULT MARK: I was beginning to think
I was being taken advantage of.
This was not the glamourous
life of my dreams.
I wasn't meant to wash costumes.
I was born to wear them!
Thank you, St. John's!
And welcome to the Remarkable Mark Show.
I'm Mark, the Impossi-boy-list!
[GASPS] Uh, uh
Why aren't you in school?
What are you wearing?
Where are your ashes?
ADULT MARK: If only I'd gotten to the
"How to wipe someone's mind" lesson.
[DOOR OPENS]
[DOOR CLOSES]
[FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING]
SUZANNE: Oh my gosh
What are you doing home so early?
I don't wanna talk about it.
Aw Look at that face.
I don't even recognize myself.
[SIGHS] You are welcome.
I don't want to look like you, Mom.
Well
Oh, that's nice.
I didn't mean it like that.
It's just
I don't like makeup.
On you, it's pretty, but
I'm not pretty like you.
[SCOFFS]
You know what, you're right.
You aren't like me.
I need makeup, but you
you're perfect just the way you are.
Oh my God, I'm gonna need
Turpentine to get that off.
FOX: [LAUGHS]
- No, gross!
- Oh, come on.
Mom
Why don't you ever
buy my school pictures?
Is that what all this is about?
It's 'cause you always got a
face on ya like a boiled boot.
Did you at least smile in this one?
Yeah.
I couldn't help it.
I pissed that nun off.
- [BOTH LAUGH]
- FOX: She got me drove!
- You're grounded.
- What? No, you can't!
I've got a show!
You've got a math test to study for.
That's all you've got.
I'm no good at math!
How in the hell would you know?
Hudaro believes in me.
Oh! Well, you think I
don't believe in you?
- MARK: I
- MARY: I wiped your arse!
I know you better than
anybody else on the planet.
Sure enough better than
some arsehole magician.
Hypnotist.
I don't care if you're a
magician or a mathematician.
I care what you're not.
And you are not gonna be
cutting class, or failing math,
or washing a stranger's
drawers, or talking back to me!
♪
Any volunteers?
Come no, there must be someone.
Is there a boy named Mark here tonight?
ADULT MARK: Hudaro could have taught me
a lot about show business, but
Mark?
ADULT MARK: you could say
I still had a lot to learn.
HUDARO: [ON RECORD] To concentrate,
you must be comfortable.
Sit in your favourite chair.
Sit fully back, relax your shoulders
ADULT MARK: The power of
suggestion can only help you
do something you want to do.
It takes away inhibitions.
If anything, it helps you
to believe in yourself.
Maybe not as much as your mother does.
[BOTH LAUGH]
I think it's perfect.
ADULT MARK: If you could
believe in yourself
as much as the people who love you do,
well, that would truly be magic.
["HINTERLAND WHO'S WHO" PLAYING ON TV]
Good God!
I told you I'd be back in pants!
Ye of so little faith.
♪
[SIGHS WITH RELAXATION]