Speechless (2016) s02e06 Episode Script
S-H-- Shipping
1 MILLER: Morning, students! Please settle.
"What is this" A-S "assembly about?" I don't know.
Ray, what is this about? Shh! It's a celebration of the Mexican DÃa de Los Muertos holiday.
What? [LAUGHS.]
Come on, man.
That was just Dylan messing with you.
- [LAUGHTER.]
- You're kidding.
Sorry, Ray.
It's Homecoming Week.
Prank season, baby.
MILLER: Can I have your attention, please? I-It's a very exciting time.
It's Homecoming Week.
And Lafayette is welcoming our new students! Now, who better to welcome them to Lafayette than Lafayette himself? What? From the hit musical "Hamilton"? STUDENT: Don't rap! [HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYS.]
Throw your hands in the air! [FEEDBACK.]
[RAPPING.]
Je suis Lafayette, and I'm here to say My school is so inclusive, and JJ paved the way We've got some new students, or should I say friends I'm 'bout to introduce them, so whip out them pens We have Cody who has autism, and Nora with CP Davey's blind, and Bella has muscular dystrophy I say "muscular.
" You say "dystrophy.
" Dystrophy! Yes, girl! Look at her go! She got moves, man.
Unh! [SCHOOL BELL RINGS.]
"Stacey, your shirt has a stain on it.
" [LAUGHING.]
Oh! Every time! I'm gonna get you one of these days, DiMeo.
Dang, that was smooth.
You got an extra laser I can borrow this weekend? Coming through.
Excuse me.
Seriously? You're just gonna leave an aide hanging? - Okay.
- Oh, my God.
You and Nora are so cute together.
"The girl who just passed me?" Um, we could all feel the electricity.
Something to think about.
So it begins.
They're shipping you.
When people are dying to get a couple together, like Khaleesi and Jon Snow or Mulder and Scully.
"But why her?" Because you both got CP.
It's like when people always try to get me to date their only black friend.
"That's stupid.
" That's shipping for you Horny profiling.
Oi! Is Ray in there with his girlfriend? And what does that sign mean? I think it means what it says "I don't respect you or your rules, and I want to make you a grandmother.
" [INHALES DEEPLY.]
Cover yourselves! - [DOOR CLOSES.]
- I will not have my children's room turned into a den of iniquity.
Mom, we're talking about our 401(K)s.
Oh, spare me the cute names for your "Eyes Wide Shut" depravity! Wait Oh.
Wait.
Do you mean like a 401(K) like the the money thingy? Oh, my God.
This skin.
We realized that even if we max out our retirement contributions Which you know we will.
We'll still end up crawling into our golden years with, what, 165 grand? What's that gonna buy us in 2067? A semi-private room in some bad neighborhood on Mars? Bloody hell.
Is this why you needed privacy? Yeah, why else would we need it? Oh, yeah, no, why else? Why else? Gosh, I don't know.
- [LAUGHING.]
You okay? - Oh, my God.
I'm so glad we're not like Ray and Taylor.
I'm with you on Ray, but Taylor? - That skin! - I know.
But they talk and they talk, and they worry about the future I mean, things you and I haven't even thought about yet.
They're getting a 401(K) thingy.
We have a 401(K).
Oh, well, that's a relief.
Is it? Oh.
I'll get one.
But I love the way we live.
We don't overanalyze things.
We don't plan things to death.
These aren't bills, they're a fan.
That's not a fan, it's broken.
But we sent Ray so far in the other direction.
I think we made him weird.
I'm a big nature-over-nurture guy.
It makes parenting a lot easier.
Hi, everyone.
Dylan DiMeo.
I'm usually not much of a joiner, but I'm so pumped for this meeting.
I've been studying up on our school's pranks through the ages.
These yearbooks? Don't let the word "book" scare you They're money! Dylan, do you know why we're here? Like the sign said "Student Council Prank Meeting.
" Right, to discuss our school-wide "No pranks" initiative we've instituted.
The council voted unanimously, and the student body agrees No more pranks.
The time has come to move past micro-aggressions masquerading as tradition.
But I love micro-aggressions masquerading as tradition! Check out this crew from the Class of '67 The Prankenstein Monsters? They waterproofed the principal's office and turned it into a fishbowl.
A fishbowl! What happened to the fish afterwards? They stayed fish! Look, you guys, we're kids.
We have our whole lives to be cautious and sensitive.
That's all adulthood is Worrying about fish.
Let's be young and fun together.
Who's with me? [SCOFFS.]
I am so not voting for any of you next year.
JJ, we have the most genius idea.
You should date Nora.
[LAUGHTER.]
[SIGHS.]
You know who you should date? Nora.
I feel like this could've waited.
Want to cut in front of me? You're JJ.
"And you're Nora.
" And together we're - Jora! - [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
It's offensive.
Even my silent goon aide thinks we should be together.
"How long can this" S-H "shipping go on?" Shippers never give up.
Fighting it only makes them ship harder.
Why don't we give them what they want, then? Let's date.
"Nora, I'm flattered, but" I'll finish the thought.
You seem mean.
Not a real relationship.
A fake one.
Give the babies their bottles, then break up and get on with our lives.
Huh.
Y-You know what I kind of like about that plan? You in a relationship makes other girls see you as dateable.
"I guess it's Jora time.
" It's happening! Ray, I need your help.
The kids at school stink.
You and I are gonna pull off a giant brother-sister homecoming prank.
Dylan, we're trying to plan a future here.
We don't have time for micro-aggressions masquerading as tradition.
[GASPS.]
You.
You did this.
You're welcome to use the suggestion box just as much as I am.
[GRUNTS.]
Okay, back to reality.
In 2040, we'll move to Scottsdale because of the BOTH: Low income tax and solar-based energy grid.
But we'll need a house that's big enough for us, our kids, and maybe both of our special-needs brothers.
I'm Logan's only sibling, so can JJ live with Dylan? She'd be open to that, but would her husband? She'd need to marry someone who loves JJ and wants him around.
Hey, y'all hear this mess about Lafayette banning homecoming pranks? The hell! [DING!.]
Root beer You both like root beer.
What is this? What are you doing? We're not doing anything.
But when something's meant to be, it just happens itself.
What's with the weird looks? Can I just get back to my sandwich? You know who loves sandwiches? This eligible bachelorette.
- Did you see that look? - Chills.
Wait a second! Are you trying to ship me and Dylan? Oh, gross! Not until you're 18! Just promise yourself to him.
- Ray, what are you doing? - What have we told you about trying to marry off your sister, Ray? Somebody rich! You guys ruin everything! If they don't get together, it is bye-bye Scottsdale for Taylor and me.
We're doomed! Ray, pull yourself together! Ooh! May I do that again? It was very satisfying.
Sorry! Darling, you are weird.
And, Taylor, you're far too pretty for this nonsense.
Your father and I are to blame.
We broke you, and we're going to fix you.
- How? - Yeah, how? We're gonna teach you to let go, stop thinking so much.
- Let's take them on a double date tomorrow.
- That sounds fun.
We have been looking for couple friends.
So weird.
I've got a crush on you I hope you love me, too I've got a crush on you With a love that is so true I know we could share Our love's beyond compare It would fill my heart with joy Just be my loverboy One more time What is your story, man? Oh, yeah Dylan? What are you doing? Is this part of a prank? Nope.
I'm off the whole prank thing.
So I figured I'd try this.
I just wanted to be a part of something Check.
And have some fun Ch [SIGHS.]
I'm sorry.
I can't in good conscience say "check.
" Well, I'm glad you're here.
Take these.
Go spruce up Dr.
Miller's office.
Dylan? Are you okay? I was born at the wrong time.
You should be fish.
You should all be fish! I've seen people do this on TV, but I'll be honest I do not know what I'm looking for.
Well, if you see the last 20 minutes of my life, can I have it back? Darling, just hit the ball.
Don't overthink it.
Well, I can help you not think.
Oh, good.
I downloaded an app that determines the best angle for putting.
Oh, no.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
Just turn your brain off, darling, and swing at it.
Jimmy, go on Show him.
- [THUD.]
- MAN: Ow! Ooh.
Yeah, no, just like that, but don't hit the fat guy.
He nailed him! What if he sues? It'll affect your family's credit.
Oh, no! What would we do if our credit was bad? Maybe they'll take Ray's college fund, as well.
You're the reason I'm like this! And a little red flair here.
[CHUCKLES.]
"Wow, Nora.
You're as good at painting homecoming floats as you are at kissing.
" I have amazing news, everyone.
JJ and Nora have been nominated for Homecoming King and Queen! - [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
- Whoo-hoo! Do the Homecoming King and Queen get to give a speech? Great, then we can get up there and tell everybody how stupid they've been.
"I know these people.
I don't want to call anybody stupid.
" Sometimes you have to hit people over the head to educate them.
"I'm not here to educate anybody.
All I want is to meet some girls and eat some candy.
" If you're not gonna educate them, who will? "I guess you, alone.
It's been real.
Well" F-A "fake real.
" I'm finishing.
It's not the float's fault you can't hang on to a man.
Beautiful.
MAN: the second time! [LAUGHTER.]
Whoa.
Are you Cherry Bomb Dom? Been a long time since anyone called me that.
You guys were the notorious pranksters The Prankenstein Monsters! Oof.
You've been pranked by time.
Don't give time all the credit.
I'm also an alcoholic.
- [LAUGHTER.]
- See ya, kid.
Look, I've been trying to get a crew to pull off the most memorable homecoming prank Lafayette High has ever seen.
Who better to help me than you guys? Well, uh thanks for the offer there, kiddo, but, uh, we hung it up a long time ago.
Except for Joey.
He stills streaks.
Nobody wants that, man.
Come on! Don't you guys hate how sensitive this school's become? We used to be the Vikings, but that's "too violent," so we're the Sea Slugs.
And the student council just outlawed pranks! The stupid council did what? Whoa! No way.
I need you guys! Yeah? Screw it.
We're in.
[LAUGHTER.]
I've finally found my people.
And you guys are so old, I bet this will count as my community service! How are we still on this same hole? I have no shot.
I'm just gonna hit your ball and knock it closer to the hole, so that way, at least one of us has a chance to succeed.
Guys, it's just miniature golf.
And no one is succeeding.
We've already lost six balls.
We're just trying to communicate.
Oh.
Expressing yourself so you can feel heard and get on the same page.
Exactly.
Yeah, don't do that.
I mean, look at us.
Plenty happens in our relationship.
We don't over-examine it.
Your dad doesn't like Ryan Gosling films, so I go and see them by myself.
Several times.
Your mom's got a drawer full of rubber bands on her side of the bed.
I don't know why.
Don't care to ask.
Finger guns.
I shoot you while you sleep.
Sounds fun.
We used to go to Vegas all the time.
One day, your dad hates Vegas.
Why? It's a mystery.
But one I'm not interested in.
Uh, let's not get into the Vegas thing in front of the kids.
- Why? - You know why.
What? No, I don't.
I really don't.
Because he's too cheap to gamble.
That's not why.
You know.
Blackjack math makes him feel dumb? Just shoot your ball.
Well, now I care.
So what is it? [SCOFFS.]
You're kidding, right? Last time I was in Vegas was 16 years ago, Eddie's bachelor party? You wanted to bring JJ to the doctor 'cause you thought something was up, and I said, "You're nuts!" So I go off, and you take him to the doctor alone, and I learn that our son has this life-changing diagnosis on a pay phone in a casino 300 miles away.
And whatever I do, if I live to be 500, I'm not gonna make up for the fact that I left you alone at the scariest moment of our life.
You hold on to all that? I don't think they're gonna be our couple friends.
Hi, JJ.
You and Nora are so cute together.
You know, I have to admit, I am a little disappointed that you're taken.
JJ is listening.
Well, um, if you're ever available, I would love to introduce you to my cousin Sue.
She's single, ready to mingle, and, most importantly, she has spina bifida.
She's in a wheelchair like you! KENNETH: Nora! "I changed my mind.
Screw these people.
Let's win and give that speech.
" Let's do it.
Vote for Jora Homecoming King and Queen! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
Hey, hey, hey, hey! No, no, no, no, no, no, no! Hey, hey! That's not how we want to win.
Okay? Another hole in one? That's like five in a row.
Do I not suck at something? You weren't overanalyzing it.
You were kind of just mindlessly chitchatting.
I wouldn't say mindlessly.
Your parents might be right about us overthinking things.
Maybe they were.
Are they okay? Do you want to go back and talk to them? I should.
Dear God! They're catching up! Gotta get it.
I hate, hate, hate that you've held onto this for so many years.
You're right.
It's good that I wasn't there for you.
I was there for Eddie, my most racist friend, who turned out to be the least racist of his group of friends.
We don't talk about things.
Let's go back to doing that.
Jimmy, we've got to talk about this.
Uh.
[SIGHS.]
Nothing would've been different if you'd been there.
It was just one night.
You've been there every day and every night ever since.
I don't hold it against you, Jimmy.
[INHALES SHARPLY.]
That makes one of us.
Well I was gonna wait till you were asleep to give you this.
But I think it's probably better now.
Hurts a lot, actually.
[SCHOOL BELL RINGS.]
Pete, you'll be on lookout.
Doug, gonna set you in the stands before the game.
Joey, you head into that storage room and bring out all the Viking stuff With clothes on.
Meanwhile, we'll get Miller's car keys while she's addressing the crowd.
Gonna need somebody fast.
How 'bout Ben's wife? [LAUGHTER.]
Hey, hey, hey, hey! Come on! Keep it clean.
That's not what your mom said last night.
[LAUGHTER.]
Oh, you're leaving me.
That seems fair.
I'm leaving with you.
Our flight leaves in 30 minutes.
Where are we going? Oh, I'm not talking.
It's our thing.
[CHUCKLES.]
All right.
But you're gonna have to check that.
It's way too big for a carry-on.
It's okay.
I know a guy.
A guy who can make overhead bins larger? [MARCHING BAND PLAYS.]
[LAUGHTER.]
I feel a little conspicuous.
Be cool.
We're just five old dudes and a young girl wearing all black at a football game.
[CHUCKLES.]
Look at us being all spontaneous.
The old us would've agonized over where to sit for an hour.
But these were the first seats we saw, and they're great.
And this $6 popcorn? An impulsive delight.
I like the new no-thinking us.
You know what? So do I.
Forget thinking.
Taylor I love you.
Whoa! Ray, it's It's way too soon for that.
Get it, Taylor? That's That's what I'm talking about.
Some thinking.
Balance.
Hello, everyone.
Are you ready to crown your Homecoming King and Queen? Yay! STUDENT: Don't rap again! - [LAUGHTER.]
- Let the white lady rap! I wasn't going to.
What's up, homies? It's going down.
The king and the queen, they 'bout to get crowned.
- [DRUMROLL, FANFARE.]
- And the lucky couple is Josh Porter and Mariabelle Jackson! Yay! - [MARCHING BAND PLAYS.]
- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
Wow.
I really thought we'd win, but they went with a run-of-the-mill hot white couple.
Our king "Guess that's" P-R "progress?" I guess this school isn't as far gone as I thought.
"I guess you're right.
" Yeah.
Too bad we have to break up, because I got jealous that Kendall Jenner kept sending you e-mails constantly! Am I nuts? I'm kinda feeling you two.
At a time where no one understood me, you guys were there.
It's been an absolute honor working with you.
Thanks for bringing us in on this, Dylan.
From now on, consider yourself an honorary Prankenstein Monster.
[LAUGHTER.]
Dylan, we'll take the back.
It's your idea.
You drive.
Whoa.
I won't let you guys down.
Saddle up, boys, because this is gonna be huge.
All right, you heard the lady! Saddle up, fellas! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
Death to Sea Slugs! Go, Vikings! [CHEERING CONTINUES.]
That's my car, dawg.
We did it, guys.
Guys? [CROWD CHANTING "DYLAN!".]
Wait.
What? [LAUGHTER.]
You guys pranked me? No way! You guys are frickin' legends! - [LAUGHTER.]
- Hey! Hey, hey, hey! [CHANTING CONTINUES.]
Dylan DiMeo, you come back here right now! Give me my keys, girl! [CROWD CHEERS.]
Oh, my God! Streaker! [LAUGHS.]
Woo-hoo! [SLOT MACHINES DINGING.]
I-I kind of figured some of the clothes in that suitcase would've been mine.
Oh, no, you get the surprise, I get the costume change.
Oh.
This is very sweet.
Well, I thought it was time for us to make a new memory.
[CHUCKLES.]
Can you forgive yourself? Well, by all appearances, I'm paying you by the hour.
It would be dumb to waste it beating myself up.
Maybe Ray and Taylor were right.
We could stand to talk a bit more.
Yeah, let's.
But not tonight.
Should we go back up to the room I have no idea how we're going to pay for? [SCOFFS.]
Honey, I got this.
Hmm? Okay.
Come on! Money for a room! And whatever a 401(K) is! MAN: Here we go! DEALER: Winner, 4! Yes! Ha! - Let's do it.
- Wait.
Uh, my physical therapist is coming to pick me up any second, and I want you to meet her.
We got to get home.
"We really want you to meet" A-Y-E "Ayeisha.
" Seriously? We think you'll have a lot in common with her.
Oh, is that so? After all you two just been through.
Let me guess one small detail about Ayeisha.
It's that she completes me.
[CHUCKLES.]
Well, there's shipping, and then there's fate.
[CHUCKLES.]
Hey, girl!
"What is this" A-S "assembly about?" I don't know.
Ray, what is this about? Shh! It's a celebration of the Mexican DÃa de Los Muertos holiday.
What? [LAUGHS.]
Come on, man.
That was just Dylan messing with you.
- [LAUGHTER.]
- You're kidding.
Sorry, Ray.
It's Homecoming Week.
Prank season, baby.
MILLER: Can I have your attention, please? I-It's a very exciting time.
It's Homecoming Week.
And Lafayette is welcoming our new students! Now, who better to welcome them to Lafayette than Lafayette himself? What? From the hit musical "Hamilton"? STUDENT: Don't rap! [HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYS.]
Throw your hands in the air! [FEEDBACK.]
[RAPPING.]
Je suis Lafayette, and I'm here to say My school is so inclusive, and JJ paved the way We've got some new students, or should I say friends I'm 'bout to introduce them, so whip out them pens We have Cody who has autism, and Nora with CP Davey's blind, and Bella has muscular dystrophy I say "muscular.
" You say "dystrophy.
" Dystrophy! Yes, girl! Look at her go! She got moves, man.
Unh! [SCHOOL BELL RINGS.]
"Stacey, your shirt has a stain on it.
" [LAUGHING.]
Oh! Every time! I'm gonna get you one of these days, DiMeo.
Dang, that was smooth.
You got an extra laser I can borrow this weekend? Coming through.
Excuse me.
Seriously? You're just gonna leave an aide hanging? - Okay.
- Oh, my God.
You and Nora are so cute together.
"The girl who just passed me?" Um, we could all feel the electricity.
Something to think about.
So it begins.
They're shipping you.
When people are dying to get a couple together, like Khaleesi and Jon Snow or Mulder and Scully.
"But why her?" Because you both got CP.
It's like when people always try to get me to date their only black friend.
"That's stupid.
" That's shipping for you Horny profiling.
Oi! Is Ray in there with his girlfriend? And what does that sign mean? I think it means what it says "I don't respect you or your rules, and I want to make you a grandmother.
" [INHALES DEEPLY.]
Cover yourselves! - [DOOR CLOSES.]
- I will not have my children's room turned into a den of iniquity.
Mom, we're talking about our 401(K)s.
Oh, spare me the cute names for your "Eyes Wide Shut" depravity! Wait Oh.
Wait.
Do you mean like a 401(K) like the the money thingy? Oh, my God.
This skin.
We realized that even if we max out our retirement contributions Which you know we will.
We'll still end up crawling into our golden years with, what, 165 grand? What's that gonna buy us in 2067? A semi-private room in some bad neighborhood on Mars? Bloody hell.
Is this why you needed privacy? Yeah, why else would we need it? Oh, yeah, no, why else? Why else? Gosh, I don't know.
- [LAUGHING.]
You okay? - Oh, my God.
I'm so glad we're not like Ray and Taylor.
I'm with you on Ray, but Taylor? - That skin! - I know.
But they talk and they talk, and they worry about the future I mean, things you and I haven't even thought about yet.
They're getting a 401(K) thingy.
We have a 401(K).
Oh, well, that's a relief.
Is it? Oh.
I'll get one.
But I love the way we live.
We don't overanalyze things.
We don't plan things to death.
These aren't bills, they're a fan.
That's not a fan, it's broken.
But we sent Ray so far in the other direction.
I think we made him weird.
I'm a big nature-over-nurture guy.
It makes parenting a lot easier.
Hi, everyone.
Dylan DiMeo.
I'm usually not much of a joiner, but I'm so pumped for this meeting.
I've been studying up on our school's pranks through the ages.
These yearbooks? Don't let the word "book" scare you They're money! Dylan, do you know why we're here? Like the sign said "Student Council Prank Meeting.
" Right, to discuss our school-wide "No pranks" initiative we've instituted.
The council voted unanimously, and the student body agrees No more pranks.
The time has come to move past micro-aggressions masquerading as tradition.
But I love micro-aggressions masquerading as tradition! Check out this crew from the Class of '67 The Prankenstein Monsters? They waterproofed the principal's office and turned it into a fishbowl.
A fishbowl! What happened to the fish afterwards? They stayed fish! Look, you guys, we're kids.
We have our whole lives to be cautious and sensitive.
That's all adulthood is Worrying about fish.
Let's be young and fun together.
Who's with me? [SCOFFS.]
I am so not voting for any of you next year.
JJ, we have the most genius idea.
You should date Nora.
[LAUGHTER.]
[SIGHS.]
You know who you should date? Nora.
I feel like this could've waited.
Want to cut in front of me? You're JJ.
"And you're Nora.
" And together we're - Jora! - [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
It's offensive.
Even my silent goon aide thinks we should be together.
"How long can this" S-H "shipping go on?" Shippers never give up.
Fighting it only makes them ship harder.
Why don't we give them what they want, then? Let's date.
"Nora, I'm flattered, but" I'll finish the thought.
You seem mean.
Not a real relationship.
A fake one.
Give the babies their bottles, then break up and get on with our lives.
Huh.
Y-You know what I kind of like about that plan? You in a relationship makes other girls see you as dateable.
"I guess it's Jora time.
" It's happening! Ray, I need your help.
The kids at school stink.
You and I are gonna pull off a giant brother-sister homecoming prank.
Dylan, we're trying to plan a future here.
We don't have time for micro-aggressions masquerading as tradition.
[GASPS.]
You.
You did this.
You're welcome to use the suggestion box just as much as I am.
[GRUNTS.]
Okay, back to reality.
In 2040, we'll move to Scottsdale because of the BOTH: Low income tax and solar-based energy grid.
But we'll need a house that's big enough for us, our kids, and maybe both of our special-needs brothers.
I'm Logan's only sibling, so can JJ live with Dylan? She'd be open to that, but would her husband? She'd need to marry someone who loves JJ and wants him around.
Hey, y'all hear this mess about Lafayette banning homecoming pranks? The hell! [DING!.]
Root beer You both like root beer.
What is this? What are you doing? We're not doing anything.
But when something's meant to be, it just happens itself.
What's with the weird looks? Can I just get back to my sandwich? You know who loves sandwiches? This eligible bachelorette.
- Did you see that look? - Chills.
Wait a second! Are you trying to ship me and Dylan? Oh, gross! Not until you're 18! Just promise yourself to him.
- Ray, what are you doing? - What have we told you about trying to marry off your sister, Ray? Somebody rich! You guys ruin everything! If they don't get together, it is bye-bye Scottsdale for Taylor and me.
We're doomed! Ray, pull yourself together! Ooh! May I do that again? It was very satisfying.
Sorry! Darling, you are weird.
And, Taylor, you're far too pretty for this nonsense.
Your father and I are to blame.
We broke you, and we're going to fix you.
- How? - Yeah, how? We're gonna teach you to let go, stop thinking so much.
- Let's take them on a double date tomorrow.
- That sounds fun.
We have been looking for couple friends.
So weird.
I've got a crush on you I hope you love me, too I've got a crush on you With a love that is so true I know we could share Our love's beyond compare It would fill my heart with joy Just be my loverboy One more time What is your story, man? Oh, yeah Dylan? What are you doing? Is this part of a prank? Nope.
I'm off the whole prank thing.
So I figured I'd try this.
I just wanted to be a part of something Check.
And have some fun Ch [SIGHS.]
I'm sorry.
I can't in good conscience say "check.
" Well, I'm glad you're here.
Take these.
Go spruce up Dr.
Miller's office.
Dylan? Are you okay? I was born at the wrong time.
You should be fish.
You should all be fish! I've seen people do this on TV, but I'll be honest I do not know what I'm looking for.
Well, if you see the last 20 minutes of my life, can I have it back? Darling, just hit the ball.
Don't overthink it.
Well, I can help you not think.
Oh, good.
I downloaded an app that determines the best angle for putting.
Oh, no.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
Just turn your brain off, darling, and swing at it.
Jimmy, go on Show him.
- [THUD.]
- MAN: Ow! Ooh.
Yeah, no, just like that, but don't hit the fat guy.
He nailed him! What if he sues? It'll affect your family's credit.
Oh, no! What would we do if our credit was bad? Maybe they'll take Ray's college fund, as well.
You're the reason I'm like this! And a little red flair here.
[CHUCKLES.]
"Wow, Nora.
You're as good at painting homecoming floats as you are at kissing.
" I have amazing news, everyone.
JJ and Nora have been nominated for Homecoming King and Queen! - [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
- Whoo-hoo! Do the Homecoming King and Queen get to give a speech? Great, then we can get up there and tell everybody how stupid they've been.
"I know these people.
I don't want to call anybody stupid.
" Sometimes you have to hit people over the head to educate them.
"I'm not here to educate anybody.
All I want is to meet some girls and eat some candy.
" If you're not gonna educate them, who will? "I guess you, alone.
It's been real.
Well" F-A "fake real.
" I'm finishing.
It's not the float's fault you can't hang on to a man.
Beautiful.
MAN: the second time! [LAUGHTER.]
Whoa.
Are you Cherry Bomb Dom? Been a long time since anyone called me that.
You guys were the notorious pranksters The Prankenstein Monsters! Oof.
You've been pranked by time.
Don't give time all the credit.
I'm also an alcoholic.
- [LAUGHTER.]
- See ya, kid.
Look, I've been trying to get a crew to pull off the most memorable homecoming prank Lafayette High has ever seen.
Who better to help me than you guys? Well, uh thanks for the offer there, kiddo, but, uh, we hung it up a long time ago.
Except for Joey.
He stills streaks.
Nobody wants that, man.
Come on! Don't you guys hate how sensitive this school's become? We used to be the Vikings, but that's "too violent," so we're the Sea Slugs.
And the student council just outlawed pranks! The stupid council did what? Whoa! No way.
I need you guys! Yeah? Screw it.
We're in.
[LAUGHTER.]
I've finally found my people.
And you guys are so old, I bet this will count as my community service! How are we still on this same hole? I have no shot.
I'm just gonna hit your ball and knock it closer to the hole, so that way, at least one of us has a chance to succeed.
Guys, it's just miniature golf.
And no one is succeeding.
We've already lost six balls.
We're just trying to communicate.
Oh.
Expressing yourself so you can feel heard and get on the same page.
Exactly.
Yeah, don't do that.
I mean, look at us.
Plenty happens in our relationship.
We don't over-examine it.
Your dad doesn't like Ryan Gosling films, so I go and see them by myself.
Several times.
Your mom's got a drawer full of rubber bands on her side of the bed.
I don't know why.
Don't care to ask.
Finger guns.
I shoot you while you sleep.
Sounds fun.
We used to go to Vegas all the time.
One day, your dad hates Vegas.
Why? It's a mystery.
But one I'm not interested in.
Uh, let's not get into the Vegas thing in front of the kids.
- Why? - You know why.
What? No, I don't.
I really don't.
Because he's too cheap to gamble.
That's not why.
You know.
Blackjack math makes him feel dumb? Just shoot your ball.
Well, now I care.
So what is it? [SCOFFS.]
You're kidding, right? Last time I was in Vegas was 16 years ago, Eddie's bachelor party? You wanted to bring JJ to the doctor 'cause you thought something was up, and I said, "You're nuts!" So I go off, and you take him to the doctor alone, and I learn that our son has this life-changing diagnosis on a pay phone in a casino 300 miles away.
And whatever I do, if I live to be 500, I'm not gonna make up for the fact that I left you alone at the scariest moment of our life.
You hold on to all that? I don't think they're gonna be our couple friends.
Hi, JJ.
You and Nora are so cute together.
You know, I have to admit, I am a little disappointed that you're taken.
JJ is listening.
Well, um, if you're ever available, I would love to introduce you to my cousin Sue.
She's single, ready to mingle, and, most importantly, she has spina bifida.
She's in a wheelchair like you! KENNETH: Nora! "I changed my mind.
Screw these people.
Let's win and give that speech.
" Let's do it.
Vote for Jora Homecoming King and Queen! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
Hey, hey, hey, hey! No, no, no, no, no, no, no! Hey, hey! That's not how we want to win.
Okay? Another hole in one? That's like five in a row.
Do I not suck at something? You weren't overanalyzing it.
You were kind of just mindlessly chitchatting.
I wouldn't say mindlessly.
Your parents might be right about us overthinking things.
Maybe they were.
Are they okay? Do you want to go back and talk to them? I should.
Dear God! They're catching up! Gotta get it.
I hate, hate, hate that you've held onto this for so many years.
You're right.
It's good that I wasn't there for you.
I was there for Eddie, my most racist friend, who turned out to be the least racist of his group of friends.
We don't talk about things.
Let's go back to doing that.
Jimmy, we've got to talk about this.
Uh.
[SIGHS.]
Nothing would've been different if you'd been there.
It was just one night.
You've been there every day and every night ever since.
I don't hold it against you, Jimmy.
[INHALES SHARPLY.]
That makes one of us.
Well I was gonna wait till you were asleep to give you this.
But I think it's probably better now.
Hurts a lot, actually.
[SCHOOL BELL RINGS.]
Pete, you'll be on lookout.
Doug, gonna set you in the stands before the game.
Joey, you head into that storage room and bring out all the Viking stuff With clothes on.
Meanwhile, we'll get Miller's car keys while she's addressing the crowd.
Gonna need somebody fast.
How 'bout Ben's wife? [LAUGHTER.]
Hey, hey, hey, hey! Come on! Keep it clean.
That's not what your mom said last night.
[LAUGHTER.]
Oh, you're leaving me.
That seems fair.
I'm leaving with you.
Our flight leaves in 30 minutes.
Where are we going? Oh, I'm not talking.
It's our thing.
[CHUCKLES.]
All right.
But you're gonna have to check that.
It's way too big for a carry-on.
It's okay.
I know a guy.
A guy who can make overhead bins larger? [MARCHING BAND PLAYS.]
[LAUGHTER.]
I feel a little conspicuous.
Be cool.
We're just five old dudes and a young girl wearing all black at a football game.
[CHUCKLES.]
Look at us being all spontaneous.
The old us would've agonized over where to sit for an hour.
But these were the first seats we saw, and they're great.
And this $6 popcorn? An impulsive delight.
I like the new no-thinking us.
You know what? So do I.
Forget thinking.
Taylor I love you.
Whoa! Ray, it's It's way too soon for that.
Get it, Taylor? That's That's what I'm talking about.
Some thinking.
Balance.
Hello, everyone.
Are you ready to crown your Homecoming King and Queen? Yay! STUDENT: Don't rap again! - [LAUGHTER.]
- Let the white lady rap! I wasn't going to.
What's up, homies? It's going down.
The king and the queen, they 'bout to get crowned.
- [DRUMROLL, FANFARE.]
- And the lucky couple is Josh Porter and Mariabelle Jackson! Yay! - [MARCHING BAND PLAYS.]
- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
Wow.
I really thought we'd win, but they went with a run-of-the-mill hot white couple.
Our king "Guess that's" P-R "progress?" I guess this school isn't as far gone as I thought.
"I guess you're right.
" Yeah.
Too bad we have to break up, because I got jealous that Kendall Jenner kept sending you e-mails constantly! Am I nuts? I'm kinda feeling you two.
At a time where no one understood me, you guys were there.
It's been an absolute honor working with you.
Thanks for bringing us in on this, Dylan.
From now on, consider yourself an honorary Prankenstein Monster.
[LAUGHTER.]
Dylan, we'll take the back.
It's your idea.
You drive.
Whoa.
I won't let you guys down.
Saddle up, boys, because this is gonna be huge.
All right, you heard the lady! Saddle up, fellas! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
Death to Sea Slugs! Go, Vikings! [CHEERING CONTINUES.]
That's my car, dawg.
We did it, guys.
Guys? [CROWD CHANTING "DYLAN!".]
Wait.
What? [LAUGHTER.]
You guys pranked me? No way! You guys are frickin' legends! - [LAUGHTER.]
- Hey! Hey, hey, hey! [CHANTING CONTINUES.]
Dylan DiMeo, you come back here right now! Give me my keys, girl! [CROWD CHEERS.]
Oh, my God! Streaker! [LAUGHS.]
Woo-hoo! [SLOT MACHINES DINGING.]
I-I kind of figured some of the clothes in that suitcase would've been mine.
Oh, no, you get the surprise, I get the costume change.
Oh.
This is very sweet.
Well, I thought it was time for us to make a new memory.
[CHUCKLES.]
Can you forgive yourself? Well, by all appearances, I'm paying you by the hour.
It would be dumb to waste it beating myself up.
Maybe Ray and Taylor were right.
We could stand to talk a bit more.
Yeah, let's.
But not tonight.
Should we go back up to the room I have no idea how we're going to pay for? [SCOFFS.]
Honey, I got this.
Hmm? Okay.
Come on! Money for a room! And whatever a 401(K) is! MAN: Here we go! DEALER: Winner, 4! Yes! Ha! - Let's do it.
- Wait.
Uh, my physical therapist is coming to pick me up any second, and I want you to meet her.
We got to get home.
"We really want you to meet" A-Y-E "Ayeisha.
" Seriously? We think you'll have a lot in common with her.
Oh, is that so? After all you two just been through.
Let me guess one small detail about Ayeisha.
It's that she completes me.
[CHUCKLES.]
Well, there's shipping, and then there's fate.
[CHUCKLES.]
Hey, girl!