Splitting Up Together (US) (2018) s02e06 Episode Script
Glowing Pains
1 Thank you for coming with me.
I really didn't want to do this one on my own.
Well, you don't have to.
It's you and me, baby.
And you and me, baby.
- [CHUCKLES.]
- Every step of the way.
Now, I let you have your fun in the first trimester, but from here on out, there's gonna be no more soft cheeses, raw sprouts, or unwashed produce.
Oh, man.
Hi, checking in for this hot mama.
Are you referring to yourself or the pregnant lady you just obstructed? [LAUGHING.]
The obstructed.
I'm Maya.
I'm here for my twelve noon ultrasound.
She's here for her twelve noon.
Ta-da.
Wow.
Just for showing up? A square-jawed silver fox dropped those off.
- He had this gleaming - Sugar beard? Yes! And it wrapped around his Country music face? Exactly! [CHUCKLES.]
Anyway, he would so love to be a part of your baby's life.
"Get your pee on, girl.
" [LAUGHS.]
Oh, we have our fun here.
But we do need your urine.
Wow, Maya.
You really did a number on Jasper's dad.
Oh, I would do bad, bad things for some unwanted attention from that man.
Huh.
Tinkle time! Keep giving me hope for a better day Keep giving me love to find a way Through this heaviness I feel, I just need - Someone to say everything's okay Everything's okay When was the last time you even came to visit, Arthur? You know Camille doesn't like me flying over oceans I'm looking after Mom and Dad and working two jobs to support my degenerate son.
How is Gun-Woo? What is he, like five years old now? He's 15, Arthur.
- 15! - Ohh.
We did send him that train set, but I guess he can sell it for crack? Is there crack in Korea? I don't know.
He's not on crack.
He's just lazy.
And he failed out of another school.
Hey, Uncle Han! Uncle Han? Uncle Han! [SIGHS.]
I can't afford to send him to boarding school, and even if I could, I would Never mind.
I'm sure you guys have your own problems.
[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS, DOG COOS.]
You know what, Sunny? Your problems are my problems.
Camille and me will take in Lil' Woo for a while.
Are you serious? - What a gift, Arthur.
- Arthur, hang up.
Yes, baby.
Did I just hear you commit to something without getting my approval? I couldn't have, right? What? [CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY.]
No, I-I would never do that.
[CHUCKLING.]
LOL.
[INHALES.]
I had to.
Gun-Woo is a teenager, and I hardly know him.
Besides, don't you think helping my at-risk nephew might give our lives more meaning? I do like the sound of our lives having meaning.
Okay, you know what? I'll do it! I'll let a member of your family come stay with us.
Yessss! So pumped to parent with you, L of my L.
[GIGGLES THEN GASPS.]
Ow! - Think fast, bro-tisserie.
Ohh.
- Ow.
- Bro-tato chip.
Boom.
- Whoa.
[CHUCKLES.]
Hey, girl.
Top of the morning.
You want some toast? I could put some cinnamon on it.
Or ghee.
I know how much you love that ancient, clarified butter.
Thanks, but I'm just gonna hit the "fueling" station.
FYI, black coffee is "fuel" for writers.
Whoa.
You feeling okay? "I am.
I am.
I am.
" Chapter 13, "The Bell Jar.
" [SNAPPING FINGERS.]
Why are you dressed like Mrs.
Doubtfire? First of all, that film is transphobic.
Is it for Mr.
Dodson? [CAR HORN BEEPING.]
That's my cue! So, so long.
Okay, Mason, who's Dodson? Mae's English teacher.
Aren't you supposed to know that? Not when there's three of you.
So, i-is he, like, uh an adult male teacher? She's hot for him.
- What? - Mae's of age.
She can do as she pleases.
What are you do Don't drink that.
[GULPS.]
Ahh.
[GULPS.]
Ahh.
LENA: Let's talk cord blood.
We gotta bank that umbilical.
Save those stem cells! It's costly, but essential.
Yeah, I don't think I'm gonna do that.
Need I remind you, I know a thing or three about all this.
And everything I know is in here.
The "Baby Bible.
" The answers to all your questions.
I didn't ask any questions.
The answers to all my questions.
Now available, for your reference.
I feel a little tired now.
Oh, yeah.
Low iron.
I suspected it before the pregnancy.
So, we'll start you on some cashews, but in the meantime Yes.
Drink up, mama llama.
And lay a keppie, if you're tired.
Just not on your back.
Or your stomach.
Or your right side.
- - [SIGHS.]
[CAR DOOR CLOSES.]
He's like a Korean Suge Knight.
CAMILLE: He's like a little you.
Gun-Woo! Welcome.
[SNIFFS.]
So fresh and so clean.
- Thank you.
- Get the suitcase.
ARTHUR: I trust your travel accommodations were satisfactory? I'm I'm sorry.
Who dis? Hells yeah.
They upgraded me to Premium Economy.
Plus, Air Korea got the bomb cold noodles, and I peeped both "John Wick"s.
Love me some Keanu! Well, you've been on quite a journey.
So, could I interest you in a beverage or perhaps a snack? Yeah, snacks are what's up.
No snacks until welcome chores are done.
"Welcome chores"? [WHISPERING.]
What is happening here? What is this thing that you're trying on? Because I hate it.
I don't know.
I think I'm turning into my father.
Y'alls got a hot tub or, like, what? Hey, Maya.
Where are you? Our appointment's in like ten minutes.
I want you to eat something before your blood work.
I'm standing here holding these boiled edamame like an idiot.
MAYA: Oh! Sorry, the appointment was rescheduled.
Yeah, 'cause the doctor rescheduled it.
It's still on your iCal.
How do you have access to my iCal? I added myself.
Co-parents, co-iCal.
I'm here now.
I'll just I'll go in - and get something new on the books.
- That's not necessary.
It actually is because when you call, they schedule you out.
But in person, I can get with Rochelle, and I can determine their next true availability.
I think I can handle it myself.
You probably have other stuff you wanna focus on.
Are you kidding me? Are you kidding me right now? - Dad? Dad over me? - Hi, sweetheart.
What does Dad know about childbirth? He wasn't even there when you were born.
- He was - I know, I was at the track.
And I remember, I won 6 bucks that day on a horse called "Magic Maya McHorseFace".
- [CHUCKLING.]
- What? Mom said I was named after Maya Angelou.
Yeah, you were if the horse was.
Maya, I don't get you.
- You asked for my - Support! But you don't know how to do that without taking over.
You were hijacking my pregnancy.
Well, I'm sure Seabiscuit over here will do a much better job.
Sorry, can someone press P2, please? McHorseFace.
Unbelievable.
I don't understand.
You hated your father.
Why are you trying to emulate him? I'm not trying.
It's involuntary.
I guess it's my latent paternal instinct.
But it's his paternal instinct.
Well, it worked on me.
He was a disciplinarian, and I guess that's what I needed, right? 'Cause he fixed me.
I fixed you.
GUN-WOO: 'Sup, y'all? What's for dins? Where are the pants, Woo? I'm fighting for you here, kid, but you gotta meet me halfway.
You share our table, you share our dress code.
Oh, come on, it's not that big of a deal.
[SIGHING.]
Uncle Arthur you know, I've been hearing 'bout you my whole life.
And I had this fantasy that you'd, like, get me.
And I thought you'd be woke, bespoke, and have jokes.
But nah.
You're just as lame as my moms.
East or West, this whole family sucks.
Okay, you know what, dude? I wouldn't even let you treat Grand Mal that way.
- [GROWLS.]
- This kid is in trouble at home, he's in trouble at school, he gets shipped off to live with two total strangers, and you want to lay the smack down? All this kid needs is just someone on his side.
- He doesn't need an enabler! - No, he needs a friend.
I want to thank you for your open eyes and ears and for following me on this journey.
I think we're on the "Plath" - [LAUGHS.]
- to greatness.
[SCHOOL BELL RINGS.]
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS.]
Mr.
Dodson.
Mae I help you? - [BOTH CHUCKLE.]
- I, uh I "Mae'd" you something.
Oh, uh, I'm trying to avoid sweets, but for you, I'll make an exception.
[LAUGHS LOUDLY.]
Um, It's a Plath-inspired playlist.
Weepy, but worth the ride.
Wow.
Mix Master Mae! - [MIMICS RECORD SCRATCH.]
- [BOTH CHUCKLE.]
- That's so thoughtful.
- I couldn't make you an actual mix, since I technically don't own any of the music, but this will link you to your preferred streaming platform.
Well, thank you.
Am I gonna see you tonight at the Live Poets Society? Um, did Sylvia Plath shatter the glass ceiling of traditional form? - She did! Yes! - She did.
[CHUCKLES.]
- Okay, bye! - Oh, yeah.
Well, now, I know things got a little heated - at the doctor's office - [CHUCKLES.]
but I think for the sake of Maya's unborn baby, we should try to smooth things over.
So, Maya, could you just calmly express how you've been feeling? I think if I'm gonna be a mother, I need to develop my own intuition.
And every time I try, there you are.
Replacing my instincts with yours.
And I'm really tired of being bossed around.
Oh, boo-hoo.
You have a sister who cares.
And for the record, I wasn't bossing.
I was guiding.
And why do you always think that I need your guidance? It is just so hard for you to take my advice.
- You know, I have done this three times before.
- Three times.
[LAUGHS.]
But if you wanna screw everything up, - in typical Maya fashion - I'm the screw-up? [SCOFFS.]
What about your marriage? Oh, no, or was that me, also? You know, you are so holier than thou.
You really don't have all the answers.
In fact, you are a part of the problem.
A big part.
What is that supposed to mean? It means Team Martin! All the way, baby.
[NOAH KAHAN'S "YOUNG BLOOD" PLAYS.]
Well, that was spirited.
Oh, dear, oh, dear, I'm sorry That you grew up so soon - A cold year and no high school parties - I've been drinking alone So MAE: "Mr.
Dodson leaned over my desk, as he returned my paper.
Close enough that I could smell his hair; an ocean of chestnut.
I could feel the wool of his scarlet sweater as it brushed my arm, sending tingles down my spi" - [MUSIC STOPS.]
- [SIGHS.]
- [MUSIC RESUMES.]
- "'Are you feeling what I'm feeling?' I whispered under my breath, almost too quietly for him to hear.
But as he walked towards his desk, his head nodded ever so slightly.
Yes.
That one simple nod launched a rush of warmth to my" - [MUSIC STOPS.]
- Oh, helllll to the [BLEEP.]
no! Not today, Dodson.
Not any day! Team Martin.
I mean, who would even say that? To their own sister? I'm sorry.
I'm in the middle of an actual crisis right here.
- Team Camille.
[SIGHS.]
- What's going on? I went out for my bi-monthly sugaring, and when I came home, Gun-Woo and Grand Mal were gone.
You think they ran away? I don't know.
Ever since Gun-Woo got here, I've just I've been this emotional wreck.
I feel so protective of him.
It's like my heart is wandering around outside my body in this little paint-splattered track suit.
Camille! That's what it's like to have a child! - You're feeling it.
- Well, it's awful.
And incredible.
But mostly awful.
And Arthur's just been a nightmare lately.
I mean, I would have run away, too.
I still might.
[BREATHES DEEPLY.]
Will you just help me find them? Are you sure? Because sometimes people say they want your help, only to later accuse you of being too helpful.
Yeah, can we put a pin in your baggage until we find my missing nephew? So, what are we looking for exactly? I'll know it when I find it.
"Old Bitch"? I think he wrote me a diss track.
I really admire that outlet.
[RAPPING.]
You a Old Bitch And you know it, too, Old Bitch Yeah, you know that's you You a Old Bitch, cruising in your minivan Old Bitch on the way to get a spray tan You a Old Bitch Yeah, you know that's you Yeah, you a Old Bitch, and your friend's old, too - Bitch, cruising in your minivan - Scathing, but - Old Bitch on the way to get a spray tan - So insightful.
- Hey, hey, Old Bitch, do your Pilates - Like, universal in its message.
Rock to this beat while you moving your body - Old Bitch, yeah, do your Pilates - What up, y'all? - Rock to this beat wh - My babies are back! Ugh, uh, yeah.
I took us out for noodles.
Aw.
That's her favorite food.
Yeah, she made that clear.
I'm sorry that we were snooping around.
I just I was worried.
Oh, that's all good.
Back home, me and my mom share a tiny place, so yeah, personal space, not really a thing.
You guys like my song? - It's dank.
- Straight fire.
Schmacks.
For real.
That's what's up.
I mean, I'm sending that out to all you Old Bitches out there, who been glowed up.
But what y'all don't understand is, I'm tryin' to glow up too.
And I know y'all trying to make me better, so, yeah.
I see you, Old Bitch.
We see you, too, Gun-Woo.
I see my Old Bitch uncle, too.
Well, it's nice of you to include him, but No, I see him right behind you.
He's not a degenerate.
He's an artist.
I'm proud to be your Old Bitch uncle.
NATHANIEL: "What? What's that? What's that you say? You say today is Saturday? B'bye, I'm going out to play".
Shel Silverstein.
[ALL SNAPPING.]
MR.
DODSON: Riveting.
Riveting, Nathaniel.
Lot of heart there.
Who's next? Me.
And my poet is a songstress.
[PIANO PLAYING "I FEEL THE EARTH MOVE".]
I feel the earth move under my feet I feel the sky tumbling down I feel my heart start to trembling Whenever you're around Oh, darling, when I see your face - Mellow as the month of - Mae! Ohh, darling, I can't stand it When you look at me that way - I've just got to have you, baby - Just shut it down! Shut it down.
Shut this whole thing down.
- Dad, what are you doing here? - I am preserving your childhood.
Hey! Mr.
Robinson? A word.
It's pronounced "Dodson", but yeah, sure, absolutely.
"Holding hands in the aisles of an independent bookseller"? "Light tongue-kissing in the throngs of an anti-gun rally?" Are these the pastimes you've taken up with my teenage daughter?! Dad, what is wrong with you? Haven't you ever heard of fan fiction? Well no! Have you heard of actual fiction? 'Cause you're reading mine in front of the entire classroom.
Uh y-your daughter is a gifted young writer.
And it turns out, performer.
I'm lucky to be her teacher and, at times, her student.
But I promise you that that is all.
[HUSHED.]
Yeah.
Hey, let's call it.
We can call it.
Gotta get home to, uh to my wife.
It's Veal Scallopini night.
We make it together.
It's a, um, it's a Sun Basket.
Shalom.
[EXHALES.]
So, um So, none of that stuff actually happened? You're not hot for Dodson? The temperature's real, the prose is fake.
And if you read "The Bell Jar," you would know that romantic love is just a social construct.
Wow.
Mae, uh, I'm an idiot.
And I'm sorry.
A-a-and I-I shouldn't have opened your musings.
I-I-I should've talked to you first.
Honestly, I intended to, but, uh, uh, then I took one look at his ocean of chestnut, and I just lost my cool.
Maybe because you're such a great writer.
Stay out of my room.
I will.
I will.
I will.
Chapter 1, "The Dad Jar.
" I'll ride-share home.
Keep your time, keep your mind, keep humble Start your life in the middle of the jungle You Young blood - Oh, hey.
- Hey.
Uh, you got a minute? I have so many minutes and literally nothing to do with them.
What's up? Okay, um your ex-husband is a jackass.
[CLICKS MOUTH AND SCOFFS.]
I convinced myself that Mae was having an inappropriate relationship with her English teacher.
- Mr.
Dodson? No.
- Uh-huh.
Yeah.
- Tell me you didn't - I did.
- I crashed her club, all like, "j'accuse!" - Ohh! Why does all the good stuff happen on my garage weeks? - [CHUCKLES.]
- Well, you know Mae's gonna forgive you.
She's tough but fair.
- And also, straight, apparently.
- Who knew? - Wasn't sure.
- Wasn't worried.
You know, Maya said I'm commandeering her pregnancy.
And she wants nothing to do with me.
Oh, please.
Do you remember how erratic you were - during your first pregnancy? - Not really.
You blamed the Gulf War on me.
I never said you were solely responsible.
- I said - Oh, come on, come on, Lena.
You of all people should know better.
You can't be offended by anything that she says or or does right now because it isn't even her.
It's her pregnancy hormones.
Well, what's my excuse? Just text her.
Okay? Tell her you're sorry.
You don't even have to mean it.
"Sorry," and it's over.
I do it with you all the time.
[SIGHS.]
I'm sorry.
[CHUCKLES.]
See? [SIGHS.]
Okay, "Sorry".
Perfect.
There you go.
[MESSAGE SENDS, PHONE CLICKS.]
Look, Lena, I promise that once she has this baby, you two will be thick as thieves again.
Okay? Back to fishtail braids and frosé.
Your grasp of female relationships is stupefying.
Come here.
[INHALES.]
Mm.
Hey, have you, uh have you ready any of Mae's musings? - Oh, yeah.
Super dirty.
50 Shades of Mae.
- Mm.
[SHUDDERS.]
Yeah, and that doesn't, like, gross you out? One day, I'll show you my "Mr.
Belvedere" fan fic.
- Belvedere, huh? - He was a tidy man.
- You - [CHUCKLES.]
- ["OLD BITCH" PLAYING.]
- [CAMILLE SIGHS.]
- This really is schmacks.
- [CHUCKLES.]
Do you think I pushed him into greatness? No.
I think he's great on his own.
But I do think that you have something to offer him.
A record deal? - I was thinking love and support.
- Love and support, I can do that.
But seriously, do you think he'd be interested in signing? I mean, I can put a good word in for you.
Just remember, though, he's still a kid, okay? Sometimes, kids need to be babied.
- Right? - Totally.
I'm ready to be Santa now.
- Make me a bubble beard.
- Okay.
- - Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho.
- Merr [COUGHING.]
Not in the mouth.
- I'm sorry, honey.
I really didn't want to do this one on my own.
Well, you don't have to.
It's you and me, baby.
And you and me, baby.
- [CHUCKLES.]
- Every step of the way.
Now, I let you have your fun in the first trimester, but from here on out, there's gonna be no more soft cheeses, raw sprouts, or unwashed produce.
Oh, man.
Hi, checking in for this hot mama.
Are you referring to yourself or the pregnant lady you just obstructed? [LAUGHING.]
The obstructed.
I'm Maya.
I'm here for my twelve noon ultrasound.
She's here for her twelve noon.
Ta-da.
Wow.
Just for showing up? A square-jawed silver fox dropped those off.
- He had this gleaming - Sugar beard? Yes! And it wrapped around his Country music face? Exactly! [CHUCKLES.]
Anyway, he would so love to be a part of your baby's life.
"Get your pee on, girl.
" [LAUGHS.]
Oh, we have our fun here.
But we do need your urine.
Wow, Maya.
You really did a number on Jasper's dad.
Oh, I would do bad, bad things for some unwanted attention from that man.
Huh.
Tinkle time! Keep giving me hope for a better day Keep giving me love to find a way Through this heaviness I feel, I just need - Someone to say everything's okay Everything's okay When was the last time you even came to visit, Arthur? You know Camille doesn't like me flying over oceans I'm looking after Mom and Dad and working two jobs to support my degenerate son.
How is Gun-Woo? What is he, like five years old now? He's 15, Arthur.
- 15! - Ohh.
We did send him that train set, but I guess he can sell it for crack? Is there crack in Korea? I don't know.
He's not on crack.
He's just lazy.
And he failed out of another school.
Hey, Uncle Han! Uncle Han? Uncle Han! [SIGHS.]
I can't afford to send him to boarding school, and even if I could, I would Never mind.
I'm sure you guys have your own problems.
[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS, DOG COOS.]
You know what, Sunny? Your problems are my problems.
Camille and me will take in Lil' Woo for a while.
Are you serious? - What a gift, Arthur.
- Arthur, hang up.
Yes, baby.
Did I just hear you commit to something without getting my approval? I couldn't have, right? What? [CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY.]
No, I-I would never do that.
[CHUCKLING.]
LOL.
[INHALES.]
I had to.
Gun-Woo is a teenager, and I hardly know him.
Besides, don't you think helping my at-risk nephew might give our lives more meaning? I do like the sound of our lives having meaning.
Okay, you know what? I'll do it! I'll let a member of your family come stay with us.
Yessss! So pumped to parent with you, L of my L.
[GIGGLES THEN GASPS.]
Ow! - Think fast, bro-tisserie.
Ohh.
- Ow.
- Bro-tato chip.
Boom.
- Whoa.
[CHUCKLES.]
Hey, girl.
Top of the morning.
You want some toast? I could put some cinnamon on it.
Or ghee.
I know how much you love that ancient, clarified butter.
Thanks, but I'm just gonna hit the "fueling" station.
FYI, black coffee is "fuel" for writers.
Whoa.
You feeling okay? "I am.
I am.
I am.
" Chapter 13, "The Bell Jar.
" [SNAPPING FINGERS.]
Why are you dressed like Mrs.
Doubtfire? First of all, that film is transphobic.
Is it for Mr.
Dodson? [CAR HORN BEEPING.]
That's my cue! So, so long.
Okay, Mason, who's Dodson? Mae's English teacher.
Aren't you supposed to know that? Not when there's three of you.
So, i-is he, like, uh an adult male teacher? She's hot for him.
- What? - Mae's of age.
She can do as she pleases.
What are you do Don't drink that.
[GULPS.]
Ahh.
[GULPS.]
Ahh.
LENA: Let's talk cord blood.
We gotta bank that umbilical.
Save those stem cells! It's costly, but essential.
Yeah, I don't think I'm gonna do that.
Need I remind you, I know a thing or three about all this.
And everything I know is in here.
The "Baby Bible.
" The answers to all your questions.
I didn't ask any questions.
The answers to all my questions.
Now available, for your reference.
I feel a little tired now.
Oh, yeah.
Low iron.
I suspected it before the pregnancy.
So, we'll start you on some cashews, but in the meantime Yes.
Drink up, mama llama.
And lay a keppie, if you're tired.
Just not on your back.
Or your stomach.
Or your right side.
- - [SIGHS.]
[CAR DOOR CLOSES.]
He's like a Korean Suge Knight.
CAMILLE: He's like a little you.
Gun-Woo! Welcome.
[SNIFFS.]
So fresh and so clean.
- Thank you.
- Get the suitcase.
ARTHUR: I trust your travel accommodations were satisfactory? I'm I'm sorry.
Who dis? Hells yeah.
They upgraded me to Premium Economy.
Plus, Air Korea got the bomb cold noodles, and I peeped both "John Wick"s.
Love me some Keanu! Well, you've been on quite a journey.
So, could I interest you in a beverage or perhaps a snack? Yeah, snacks are what's up.
No snacks until welcome chores are done.
"Welcome chores"? [WHISPERING.]
What is happening here? What is this thing that you're trying on? Because I hate it.
I don't know.
I think I'm turning into my father.
Y'alls got a hot tub or, like, what? Hey, Maya.
Where are you? Our appointment's in like ten minutes.
I want you to eat something before your blood work.
I'm standing here holding these boiled edamame like an idiot.
MAYA: Oh! Sorry, the appointment was rescheduled.
Yeah, 'cause the doctor rescheduled it.
It's still on your iCal.
How do you have access to my iCal? I added myself.
Co-parents, co-iCal.
I'm here now.
I'll just I'll go in - and get something new on the books.
- That's not necessary.
It actually is because when you call, they schedule you out.
But in person, I can get with Rochelle, and I can determine their next true availability.
I think I can handle it myself.
You probably have other stuff you wanna focus on.
Are you kidding me? Are you kidding me right now? - Dad? Dad over me? - Hi, sweetheart.
What does Dad know about childbirth? He wasn't even there when you were born.
- He was - I know, I was at the track.
And I remember, I won 6 bucks that day on a horse called "Magic Maya McHorseFace".
- [CHUCKLING.]
- What? Mom said I was named after Maya Angelou.
Yeah, you were if the horse was.
Maya, I don't get you.
- You asked for my - Support! But you don't know how to do that without taking over.
You were hijacking my pregnancy.
Well, I'm sure Seabiscuit over here will do a much better job.
Sorry, can someone press P2, please? McHorseFace.
Unbelievable.
I don't understand.
You hated your father.
Why are you trying to emulate him? I'm not trying.
It's involuntary.
I guess it's my latent paternal instinct.
But it's his paternal instinct.
Well, it worked on me.
He was a disciplinarian, and I guess that's what I needed, right? 'Cause he fixed me.
I fixed you.
GUN-WOO: 'Sup, y'all? What's for dins? Where are the pants, Woo? I'm fighting for you here, kid, but you gotta meet me halfway.
You share our table, you share our dress code.
Oh, come on, it's not that big of a deal.
[SIGHING.]
Uncle Arthur you know, I've been hearing 'bout you my whole life.
And I had this fantasy that you'd, like, get me.
And I thought you'd be woke, bespoke, and have jokes.
But nah.
You're just as lame as my moms.
East or West, this whole family sucks.
Okay, you know what, dude? I wouldn't even let you treat Grand Mal that way.
- [GROWLS.]
- This kid is in trouble at home, he's in trouble at school, he gets shipped off to live with two total strangers, and you want to lay the smack down? All this kid needs is just someone on his side.
- He doesn't need an enabler! - No, he needs a friend.
I want to thank you for your open eyes and ears and for following me on this journey.
I think we're on the "Plath" - [LAUGHS.]
- to greatness.
[SCHOOL BELL RINGS.]
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS.]
Mr.
Dodson.
Mae I help you? - [BOTH CHUCKLE.]
- I, uh I "Mae'd" you something.
Oh, uh, I'm trying to avoid sweets, but for you, I'll make an exception.
[LAUGHS LOUDLY.]
Um, It's a Plath-inspired playlist.
Weepy, but worth the ride.
Wow.
Mix Master Mae! - [MIMICS RECORD SCRATCH.]
- [BOTH CHUCKLE.]
- That's so thoughtful.
- I couldn't make you an actual mix, since I technically don't own any of the music, but this will link you to your preferred streaming platform.
Well, thank you.
Am I gonna see you tonight at the Live Poets Society? Um, did Sylvia Plath shatter the glass ceiling of traditional form? - She did! Yes! - She did.
[CHUCKLES.]
- Okay, bye! - Oh, yeah.
Well, now, I know things got a little heated - at the doctor's office - [CHUCKLES.]
but I think for the sake of Maya's unborn baby, we should try to smooth things over.
So, Maya, could you just calmly express how you've been feeling? I think if I'm gonna be a mother, I need to develop my own intuition.
And every time I try, there you are.
Replacing my instincts with yours.
And I'm really tired of being bossed around.
Oh, boo-hoo.
You have a sister who cares.
And for the record, I wasn't bossing.
I was guiding.
And why do you always think that I need your guidance? It is just so hard for you to take my advice.
- You know, I have done this three times before.
- Three times.
[LAUGHS.]
But if you wanna screw everything up, - in typical Maya fashion - I'm the screw-up? [SCOFFS.]
What about your marriage? Oh, no, or was that me, also? You know, you are so holier than thou.
You really don't have all the answers.
In fact, you are a part of the problem.
A big part.
What is that supposed to mean? It means Team Martin! All the way, baby.
[NOAH KAHAN'S "YOUNG BLOOD" PLAYS.]
Well, that was spirited.
Oh, dear, oh, dear, I'm sorry That you grew up so soon - A cold year and no high school parties - I've been drinking alone So MAE: "Mr.
Dodson leaned over my desk, as he returned my paper.
Close enough that I could smell his hair; an ocean of chestnut.
I could feel the wool of his scarlet sweater as it brushed my arm, sending tingles down my spi" - [MUSIC STOPS.]
- [SIGHS.]
- [MUSIC RESUMES.]
- "'Are you feeling what I'm feeling?' I whispered under my breath, almost too quietly for him to hear.
But as he walked towards his desk, his head nodded ever so slightly.
Yes.
That one simple nod launched a rush of warmth to my" - [MUSIC STOPS.]
- Oh, helllll to the [BLEEP.]
no! Not today, Dodson.
Not any day! Team Martin.
I mean, who would even say that? To their own sister? I'm sorry.
I'm in the middle of an actual crisis right here.
- Team Camille.
[SIGHS.]
- What's going on? I went out for my bi-monthly sugaring, and when I came home, Gun-Woo and Grand Mal were gone.
You think they ran away? I don't know.
Ever since Gun-Woo got here, I've just I've been this emotional wreck.
I feel so protective of him.
It's like my heart is wandering around outside my body in this little paint-splattered track suit.
Camille! That's what it's like to have a child! - You're feeling it.
- Well, it's awful.
And incredible.
But mostly awful.
And Arthur's just been a nightmare lately.
I mean, I would have run away, too.
I still might.
[BREATHES DEEPLY.]
Will you just help me find them? Are you sure? Because sometimes people say they want your help, only to later accuse you of being too helpful.
Yeah, can we put a pin in your baggage until we find my missing nephew? So, what are we looking for exactly? I'll know it when I find it.
"Old Bitch"? I think he wrote me a diss track.
I really admire that outlet.
[RAPPING.]
You a Old Bitch And you know it, too, Old Bitch Yeah, you know that's you You a Old Bitch, cruising in your minivan Old Bitch on the way to get a spray tan You a Old Bitch Yeah, you know that's you Yeah, you a Old Bitch, and your friend's old, too - Bitch, cruising in your minivan - Scathing, but - Old Bitch on the way to get a spray tan - So insightful.
- Hey, hey, Old Bitch, do your Pilates - Like, universal in its message.
Rock to this beat while you moving your body - Old Bitch, yeah, do your Pilates - What up, y'all? - Rock to this beat wh - My babies are back! Ugh, uh, yeah.
I took us out for noodles.
Aw.
That's her favorite food.
Yeah, she made that clear.
I'm sorry that we were snooping around.
I just I was worried.
Oh, that's all good.
Back home, me and my mom share a tiny place, so yeah, personal space, not really a thing.
You guys like my song? - It's dank.
- Straight fire.
Schmacks.
For real.
That's what's up.
I mean, I'm sending that out to all you Old Bitches out there, who been glowed up.
But what y'all don't understand is, I'm tryin' to glow up too.
And I know y'all trying to make me better, so, yeah.
I see you, Old Bitch.
We see you, too, Gun-Woo.
I see my Old Bitch uncle, too.
Well, it's nice of you to include him, but No, I see him right behind you.
He's not a degenerate.
He's an artist.
I'm proud to be your Old Bitch uncle.
NATHANIEL: "What? What's that? What's that you say? You say today is Saturday? B'bye, I'm going out to play".
Shel Silverstein.
[ALL SNAPPING.]
MR.
DODSON: Riveting.
Riveting, Nathaniel.
Lot of heart there.
Who's next? Me.
And my poet is a songstress.
[PIANO PLAYING "I FEEL THE EARTH MOVE".]
I feel the earth move under my feet I feel the sky tumbling down I feel my heart start to trembling Whenever you're around Oh, darling, when I see your face - Mellow as the month of - Mae! Ohh, darling, I can't stand it When you look at me that way - I've just got to have you, baby - Just shut it down! Shut it down.
Shut this whole thing down.
- Dad, what are you doing here? - I am preserving your childhood.
Hey! Mr.
Robinson? A word.
It's pronounced "Dodson", but yeah, sure, absolutely.
"Holding hands in the aisles of an independent bookseller"? "Light tongue-kissing in the throngs of an anti-gun rally?" Are these the pastimes you've taken up with my teenage daughter?! Dad, what is wrong with you? Haven't you ever heard of fan fiction? Well no! Have you heard of actual fiction? 'Cause you're reading mine in front of the entire classroom.
Uh y-your daughter is a gifted young writer.
And it turns out, performer.
I'm lucky to be her teacher and, at times, her student.
But I promise you that that is all.
[HUSHED.]
Yeah.
Hey, let's call it.
We can call it.
Gotta get home to, uh to my wife.
It's Veal Scallopini night.
We make it together.
It's a, um, it's a Sun Basket.
Shalom.
[EXHALES.]
So, um So, none of that stuff actually happened? You're not hot for Dodson? The temperature's real, the prose is fake.
And if you read "The Bell Jar," you would know that romantic love is just a social construct.
Wow.
Mae, uh, I'm an idiot.
And I'm sorry.
A-a-and I-I shouldn't have opened your musings.
I-I-I should've talked to you first.
Honestly, I intended to, but, uh, uh, then I took one look at his ocean of chestnut, and I just lost my cool.
Maybe because you're such a great writer.
Stay out of my room.
I will.
I will.
I will.
Chapter 1, "The Dad Jar.
" I'll ride-share home.
Keep your time, keep your mind, keep humble Start your life in the middle of the jungle You Young blood - Oh, hey.
- Hey.
Uh, you got a minute? I have so many minutes and literally nothing to do with them.
What's up? Okay, um your ex-husband is a jackass.
[CLICKS MOUTH AND SCOFFS.]
I convinced myself that Mae was having an inappropriate relationship with her English teacher.
- Mr.
Dodson? No.
- Uh-huh.
Yeah.
- Tell me you didn't - I did.
- I crashed her club, all like, "j'accuse!" - Ohh! Why does all the good stuff happen on my garage weeks? - [CHUCKLES.]
- Well, you know Mae's gonna forgive you.
She's tough but fair.
- And also, straight, apparently.
- Who knew? - Wasn't sure.
- Wasn't worried.
You know, Maya said I'm commandeering her pregnancy.
And she wants nothing to do with me.
Oh, please.
Do you remember how erratic you were - during your first pregnancy? - Not really.
You blamed the Gulf War on me.
I never said you were solely responsible.
- I said - Oh, come on, come on, Lena.
You of all people should know better.
You can't be offended by anything that she says or or does right now because it isn't even her.
It's her pregnancy hormones.
Well, what's my excuse? Just text her.
Okay? Tell her you're sorry.
You don't even have to mean it.
"Sorry," and it's over.
I do it with you all the time.
[SIGHS.]
I'm sorry.
[CHUCKLES.]
See? [SIGHS.]
Okay, "Sorry".
Perfect.
There you go.
[MESSAGE SENDS, PHONE CLICKS.]
Look, Lena, I promise that once she has this baby, you two will be thick as thieves again.
Okay? Back to fishtail braids and frosé.
Your grasp of female relationships is stupefying.
Come here.
[INHALES.]
Mm.
Hey, have you, uh have you ready any of Mae's musings? - Oh, yeah.
Super dirty.
50 Shades of Mae.
- Mm.
[SHUDDERS.]
Yeah, and that doesn't, like, gross you out? One day, I'll show you my "Mr.
Belvedere" fan fic.
- Belvedere, huh? - He was a tidy man.
- You - [CHUCKLES.]
- ["OLD BITCH" PLAYING.]
- [CAMILLE SIGHS.]
- This really is schmacks.
- [CHUCKLES.]
Do you think I pushed him into greatness? No.
I think he's great on his own.
But I do think that you have something to offer him.
A record deal? - I was thinking love and support.
- Love and support, I can do that.
But seriously, do you think he'd be interested in signing? I mean, I can put a good word in for you.
Just remember, though, he's still a kid, okay? Sometimes, kids need to be babied.
- Right? - Totally.
I'm ready to be Santa now.
- Make me a bubble beard.
- Okay.
- - Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho.
- Merr [COUGHING.]
Not in the mouth.
- I'm sorry, honey.