Spy (2011) s02e06 Episode Script

About this reports of bullying in your class, I suppose my question is - why do the kids pick on you so much.
- I don't know.
Tried to be their friend.
Here's the thing, that might be the problem.
How do you mean? I hope you don't mind I say it, Alan, but you can be quite a weak character sometimes.
- And a bit of a pushover.
- I see.
- You're not gonna cry, are you? - Probably.
Come over here.
- The thing you got to understand is, they're not human.
- They're not? No.
Absolutely not.
They're organisms entirely engineered to induce rage, fear, and depression in adults.
They are set upon our destruction.
I didn't realize.
We have to stand up to them for the sake of the humanity.
- We're like terminators.
- Exactly.
- Robocops.
- Yes! - Mrs.
Doubtfire.
- Not so much, no.
Permission to go and crack some skulls, sir.
If you mean it metaphorically then get out of here, soldier.
Open or closed? - Did I mention I got my appraisal today? - Just 17 times.
Expecting quite a handsome bonus.
- Who knows, it might be a little something in it for you.
- So what? you now want to buy my affection? Yes.
Okay.
I need you to sign this.
- What it is? - Consent for my work experience.
Why are you doing work experience? You're ten.
We don't all want to end up like you.
What that's suppose to mean? There's a lot of important jobs out there besides law and accountancy.
Just sign the form.
Are you coming? Give me one second.
Here you go.
Well done.
Enjoy.
-- SPY S02E06 -- Code name: Citizen Lame.
- Look at him.
- Seriously.
- What? - We all know you're gonna get a great appraisal Tim.
What do you mean? Come on.
We're just employees around here, you're his boyfriend.
- I resent that! - Thank you.
- Wait, why do you resent that? - Ok, listen up people! Excited about your appraisal.
- The appraisal that would be positive yet critical? - Mainly positive.
But no more favourable than anyone else's.
In fact, shall we two have a lunch? So you do, you treat all the agents equally, yes? Of course not! Tim! Come on! - You're my North, my South, my East, my - God, would you help me out? Appraise me.
Ok.
Technically you have some limited ability, but you have the interpersonal skills of a sociopath.
I'm just focused.
You're cruel, careless and selfish and I'm generally ashamed to have you in my department.
And your bonus this year is the statutory minimum of 37 pens.
Anything else you wanna know? - No, sir.
- Cool.
Right.
Who's next? You.
Come on.
And he's gonna be just as tough on me.
Hey, Tim, I've arranged for you and I to go bowling afterwards! Yes! Oh, hi bowling! Paul and Mia you're going to spend the day at Garret Solicitors.
Daniel you're going to Carver Aeronautical Engineering.
Marcus, you're going to Chaudhri's Import Export Emporium.
Excuse me.
Did you say import export? Yes.
You did put retail on your form, so Well, there's clearly some sort of misunderstanding so if you just design me to the proper position we can all move on.
I'm sorry but it's too late for that.
Are you refusing to change my assignment? I suppose I am.
- You're going to regret this Alan.
- That's Mr Harris to you.
Now get your things together! I'll be back.
Right.
Who's next? You are.
Director.
Hello? - You must be Marcus.
- Yes.
- You want a suit? - No.
- I can do you a lovely suit 30 pounds.
- No, thank you.
- 35 and I'll throw in a set of tires.
- I don't drive.
You negotiate hard, I like that.
So, do you have any idea what I do here? Sell high volumes of low quality stuff for maximum profit? Wrong! Actually yes, that's exactly what I do here.
But, do you know why I do this? - For the money? - Wrong! Well yes, for the money obviously but no.
It's because I like to humiliate stupid people.
I want to sell these fools things they don't need for money they don't have.
And then I like to smear the cash against my naked thighs.
Don't worry.
That's a Punjabi expression.
But tell me this - do you feel pity for these idiots? - You have no idea.
You're looking good.
We know way back.
- 47.
- Actually I'm a little older.
47 innocent civilians dead.
- It's been a busy year.
- That was last week.
- But, how many terrorist did we get? - None.
Really? - Do you know what your opposite number in MI6 says of you? - No.
No.
Neither do we.
He was shot dead in one of your missions.
What can I say? We're facing a ruthless enemy.
- You shot him.
- And I have apologized! Jeez, how many times? What what is? - Whose side are you anyway? - Hers.
- I thought you and I - No.
What is this? This is ridiculous.
You know me.
You know the way I work.
I get results.
- What do you want from me? - I want your ID and your weapon.
Please, be advised that since 11:30 this morning The Examiner has been put on suspension.
Pending the outcome of a disciplinary investigation.
In the interim, I will be your acting chief.
Other any questions? No? Good.
- No worry, just a misunderstanding.
- It's not.
- I'll be back soon.
- He wont.
Wow! I can't believe it.
Me neither.
What about my appraisal? - You certainly seem happier.
- They're actually listening to me.
- Yeah I know, I remember when I first - Stop running!! - Sorry, you were saying something.
- No.
No, don't worry.
Oh actually, that reminds me You couldn't cover netball practice tonight? - It's just that Susan's ill.
- Yeah, right, I really wish I could but tonight it's not great for me actually.
- Yeah, sorry.
- No, it's ok.
No problem.
I'll just find someone else.
Tuck your shirt in.
Ok, I'll tell you what I'm gonna do.
I'll give you the 20 seats for a pony each as long as you take five sowing machines off me for a bullseye.
They're already discounted for cash, do you think I'm some kind of a mug? Ok.
I'll have them over to you by five.
All right.
Nice one.
Tata now.
I actually think I love you more than my own children.
- Your file makes quite some reading.
- Thank you.
Tim has it all.
The stature of colossus.
- The intellect of Socrates - Well and the skin tone of Kate Winslet.
It says that? I don't approve favouritism in the work place.
Well, I don't get favouritism.
Plane tickets to Tenerife.
- Everyone was invited.
- I wasn't.
Sonnets.
Er it's a practical joke.
Drawings of you as a gladiator.
As a glad? Sorry? Yeah, that's quite weird.
So given this overwhelming evidence of bias I'm afraid I can not award you any bonus this year.
But I'm sure you wouldn't want to receive one out of these circumstances anyway.
No.
I know some of you will find these changes difficult.
The adjustment will be painful but you will emerge with a new sense of professionalism that I'm sorry.
Excuse me.
Don't worry about it.
Portis.
Portis.
Where was? It's completely gone.
Whew, embarrassing.
Ok.
Carry on.
You too, Portis.
And with your support I think I can make it.
Thank you Jeff.
Who wants to go next? How about you? Oh, ok.
My name is The Examiner.
And it's been three days since my last assassination.
I've had a very bad day.
I know that feeling.
You know, it's funny they say our job in the Secret Service it's to protect the public, but What do we ignore about their lives.
We get to travel in first class, wear Savile Row suits, get to execute criminals.
and the odd innocent civilian.
I know I have.
And we're certain that we're the heroes.
II don't know, I mean are they real heroes the people out there? The one's with the Oyster Cards, microwaves, and track up mortgages.
Yeah I've been in the Secret Service since I was I was head of MI5 Until today.
My name is The Examiner.
And I don't know who I am.
So how was the work experience? - Amazing! - Really? Yeah.
I was told retail was about selling objects.
- But it isn't.
- Isn't it? No.
It's about selling dreams.
And all you need is enough idiots to buy them.
- Hi Alan.
- Knock please.
Come! You wanted to talk to me Yes, thank you.
Philip I've become increasingly concerned about the lack of discipline and moral fiber amongst the children.
- I see.
So I've informed the school governors and they will be carrying out an inspection this afternoon.
What? You can't do that.
I'm the headmaster of this school.
For now.
- What's that supposed to mean? - Good day, Mr Quill.
Open or closed? - I love this.
Is it Jigsaw? - J.
Crew.
Very nice.
So I heard that you and Portis are you know.
Agent Portis and I are in a relationship, yes.
- You're a lucky girl.
He's a fine looking man.
- Thank you.
- What does he weigh? 185? 190? - I don't know, why? Oh, no reason, just like to get to know my team intimately.
- Does he mention me at all? - Mention you? You know, at home.
In private.
- In bed? - What? - You've got such lovely hair.
- Ok.
- I heard you used to date Tim as well.
- Not exactly.
- He's a nice looking boy, what about him? - What about him? - You could go out with him.
- But I'm going out with Portis.
Right.
Forgot that.
The thing is and this is the real bugger, relationships between agents aren't actually allowed.
- Since when? - Since this morning.
- This morning? - Yeah, I know.
- But you just said I should date Tim.
- Oh, good idea.
I'm sure we can make an exception.
So make an exception for Portis.
- No, I can't do I'm afraid.
- Why not? - That's classified.
- I don't feel comfortable having this conversation anymore.
I quite understand.
- May I go? - Of course.
Loving all this.
- Let me know if you need any help.
- We're just looking She's nice, isn't she? - You clearly know your motors.
- A little.
Come on, let's go.
Four-wheel drive, anti-skid boots, front and rear diffs.
- Wow! - Yeah, she's got some serious power under the hood.
I'd normally only show it to the professional driver, but - you look like you can handle it.
- You already got a car.
I'm just looking.
What's the matter with you today? We're supposed to be looking at chemistry equipment.
And we will.
In a minute.
I can get the control if you want take it for a spin.
- We really don't have time.
- Yes.
Thank you, that would be great.
Always have to do what you want.
I can explain.
Don't bother.
What's the matter with you? Why aren't you angry? - What's the point? - This is about Harris.
What about Harris? Oh yes, the governors are gonna be fascinated by this.
There goes my job.
Maybe not.
- You're kidding me.
- No 'mam.
And to this day I can't look at a Shih Tzu without feeling nauseous.
That's a wonderful story - Look at her.
- What about him? - This is blatant favouritism.
- "Yes, 'mam" "No, 'mam".
- I've got stories.
- Old enough to be his mother.
You know what you have to do.
Hi Tim! Hello, Sir.
Oh, lovely! - Come on.
- How are you? Wonderful.
Do you want something? I I have a coupon for a free muffin.
That's Oh no, I'm fine, thanks.
Suit yourself.
Something for me to look forward to tomorrow.
What have you been up to then? You know me.
Busy.
Busy as a bee.
I've got very into car boot sales.
And antiquing.
And I've been watching that new show.
"Murder she wrote".
Have you seen it? - That's quite old actually.
- Yeah, great.
Well it's tremendously exciting.
Sir the office isn't the same with out you.
The director is a bit of a tyrant.
Doesn't have your flair.
Ahh, that's very kind of you.
But I'm sure she's doing an excellent job.
- So are you prepared for your disciplinary hearing? - No.
- No, I'm not gonna contest it.
- What? Yes.
It was time.
Make way for some new blood.
No, you can't do that.
No, we miss you.
We need you.
I appreciate that Tim.
Really.
But I'm not coming back.
Why? I don't understand.
Well, I'm happy.
How can you be happy with this? You'll understand one day.
I want the old Examiner back.
Tim The Examiner is dead.
So if you can spare me a few more minutes, I would welcome the opportunity to let you know about some of my plans for the school if I were lucky enough to be appointed headmaster.
What on earth? I'm sorry, sir, this batch is going to have to be delayed.
Oliver passed out.
Mr Harris! What I've told you about using child labour for your export business? II don't know anything about this.
I'm afraid you leave me no option but to call the police.
Again.
I'm sorry you had to witness this.
Alan has been under a lot of pressure recently.
- Gambling debts.
- Butbut no Hasta la vista Alan.
What do you mean he's not coming back? Where have you been? - Oh so - I just had to pop out and see someone.
So I presume you'll be staying late to catch up.
Unfortunately no, I have to go pick up my son.
I suppose you should have thought of that before.
Portis.
Wait up.
Who's gonna pick up Marcus? - Thanks for this.
- My pleasure.
- Nearly done.
- Ok.
I'll be right there.
I have to go.
Can you really not drive? No.
How about you? What do you say? Would you run a quick errand? It's just up there.
The rest is in the van.
- What's with granddad? - He's with me.
Hello.
This is short.
The thing is We've been hearing that Chaudri's going for another fence.
This is a free market.
- He makes a good point.
- He does.
Tell you what.
On this occasion we are prepared to take this lot off of you for free.
Hey! Give that back! - Is this really necessary? - Take a walk, Poligrip.
- But the - Help me! - Yeah, it's time for you to disappear, mate.
- Help! Help me! No! Help! Perhaps he's gotta get an ape to watch.
Time up.
I reckon we can get Chaudri to cough up another ton for the kid.
- No! - You know what? - These is some pretty decent threads.
- I agree.
- Wait outside.
- What about you? I'll be right behind you.
Running away are we? Are you all right? I'm terrific.
- You got my money back! - I don't think so.
This world is not for you, son.
Do you really work with my dad? I used to.
- What did you say you did again? - I didn't.
Well after a detailed investigation I regret to inform you that The Examiner - has been reinstated.
- Yes! On a probationary basis.
I must say I was somewhat surprised by the apparently lack of incriminating evidence.
Yeah, thank you director for looking after my team.
You're welcome to them.
If you need anything.
You call me.
Ok.
Yes!! So what happened? I don't know, I just remembered who I am.
Yeah, then who's up for some bowling! Good to have you back, sir.
Thanks.
Thanks Tim.
- How did you dodge those charges? - Ahem! Yeah, yeah.
Right here.
Plane tickets, and Oh yeah, the keys to my villa.
Thank you.
Are you two? No! Leslie, wait up.
Leslie!