Strangers with Candy (1999) s02e06 Episode Script

1
Why did you ask me
to meet you here?
It's freezing.
I wanna have a picnic.
It's the ninth-month anniversary
of us becoming friends.
Why don't we just
go to the place?
I don't wanna go to the place.
It's musty and dark.
I wanna have a nice picnic.
I made portobello mushroom
sandwiches.
Put that thing away.
Someone will see!
Way to go, Chuck!
There was brie in there!
And that is a soft cheese!
I've been driving all night
my hands wet on the wheel ♪
there's a voice
in my hea ♪
Oh, come on.
Oh, jeez.
[TIRES SCREECHING]
Da-da-da ♪
Great!
You shattered the macaroons.
[TIRES SQUEALING]
Geoffrey needs me.
What was that?
My God
Mr. Jellineck.
What have I done?!
I've gotta do the right
thing. [KNOCKING]
[TIRES SCREECHING]
We've got a thing that's
called radar love ♪
we've got
a wave in the air ♪
Hello, I'm Jerri Blank.
32 years ago I dropped
out of high school
and ran away from home.
Oh, I made a lot of friends,
did a lot of time.
I was a boozer,
a user, and a loser.
I stole the TV.
Did some more time.
But now I'm back in school!
And though the faces
may have changed
The hassles are just the same.
Oh
Please don't let
this be his face.
Please don't let this
be his face.
Oh my God!
It's his face.
SARA: Oh, Jerri,
you're doing chores.
What's wrong?
Just buffing the car, Mumsy.
Well, give me the keys.
Derrick is going to
take me to the hospital.
Why?
Oh, Jerri, it's awful.
Mr. Jellineck's head
was struck by a car.
They say it tore
his face clean off.
Gosh, that's too bad.
Do they know who did it?
No, hit and run.
No suspects, no face.
They do know one thing.
Only an animal would leave
a crumpled, faceless man
lying in the street.
Oh, Geoffrey, your face.
It was such a nice one.
It fit your skull so well.
I'm sorry I wasn't
there for you.
I was just so concerned that
I ran home and hid for a while
and then took my wife to dinner.
[FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING]
Hang in there, chief!
What's the situation?
Who ran him down?
How should I know?
I'm married.
If one of my teachers
loses his face, I lose face.
We've got to find the culprit.
If he comes to,
drill him for information.
I've got to go see a student
in the maternity ward.
Listen, Geoffrey, I'm gonna run.
I'm sure this is
just a scratch, okay?
You keep your chin up.
I'm not entirely
sure he has a chin.
Well, what's in there?
Well, that's anybody's guess.
It came in quite a jumble.
Because there was so
much skull exposed,
we just sort of hastily wrapped
the whole kit and caboodle.
But our next priority
is to go back in
and sift through the wreckage.
It's going to be
touch and go for a while.
He could really use a loved
one by his side right now.
Don't know who that could be.
I'll ask my wife.
Hey, Jerri, you wanna
sign this "Get Well" card
for Mr. Jellineck?
Okay, I'll sign it.
I hope they do catch that
horrible person, Orlando.
How might they go about that?
I don't know.
Find some small clue like a
hair sample or a fingerprint.
Hey, Jerri, what are you doing?
It slipped!
I gotta go.
Hello.
I'm Mr. Noblet, and I'll be
taking over for Mr. Jellineck
until he recovers from his
whatever happened to him.
He got hit by a car.
I have to take
your word on that.
I wouldn't know.
I was home that day, hiding.
Let's take a look
at Mr. Jellineck's
lesson plan for today.
Let's see "The Importance
of Truth in Honest Art."
Okay.
When you lie in art,
you betray the beholder.
And those lies, they eat
at you from the inside.
Like a like a snake
coiled around your heart.
All eyes in the back
of the room.
What for?
Something I want you to see.
Eyes at the back!
[MOANING]
Oh, Geoffrey!
Why why?!
Okay, turn around.
Okay, okay, that's it for today.
Good work, everybody.
Um, why don't we make the rest
of today free time.
Um, we'll do some
"silhouettes of faces."
Eyes in the back,
eyes in the back.
Oh, God!
Those lips
Oh, those pillowy lips!
Now, Mr. Jellineck,
you've been in an accident.
"I have a headache."
What part of your head?
"The front."
Well, that's promising.
We didn't think
his head had a front.
Unless it's a phantom pain.
Doctors, I understand
you've located the mouth?
Yes.
Uh, let's not jump the gun.
I'm not convinced
it is his mouth.
It could be his eye.
It's the mouth.
It's where the sound
is coming from,
and the sound always
comes from the mouth.
Well, all I know is that when
we tried to feed him there,
it winked at us.
We have to find the face.
That's it for visiting hours.
You all have to leave,
unless you're a family member
or a lover.
Noblet, you heard the woman.
Family members or lovers.
Now, let's go.
"Chuck, don't leave me twice.
I need you."
Noblet, what's he mean by that?
He's delirious sedate him.
Oh, good, it's here.
What's that?
A plaster cast of
the patient's head.
It gives me something
to work with
without having
to unwrap his head.
Look at that.
It's hideous, I know.
No, where the chin should
be a tire track.
We've got a lead.
Noblet, let's go.
Gone are the days
my heart was young and gay ♪
gone are the days in
cotton fields away ♪
gone to a place
a better place I know ♪
I hear the voices
calling ♪
singing Old Black Joe ♪
I'm coming
I'm coming ♪
my head is
hanging low ♪
Thanks for coming
to the vigil, Jerri.
Mr. Jellineck's card.
I'd like to sign it.
No, I don't think
that's a good idea.
No, no, please.
I really wanna do my part.
All right.
Are you gonna bring your
mother's car to the car wash?
What are you suggesting?
That there's blood and gristle
to be scrubbed off?
No, Jerri, no, Jerri!
Jerri, Jerri!
Jerri, you're
the hit-and-run driver.
What?
What?
I wanna try to re-create
the accident
so I can figure out
the trajectory of the face,
and I need a driver.
Oh, I don't know.
Good, get in.
Now, I want you to
drive down this street
like a crazed lunatic.
For all our purposes,
that is Jellineck's head.
Destroy, Blank.
Destroy!
[TIRE SCREECHING]
Damn!
That's gotta sting.
Did you see that
melon explode, Blank?
And a melon's a lot stronger
than an average skull.
What kind of inhuman maniac
could wreak that kind of havoc
and then just scoot away?
Can you imagine,
Blank, can you imagine?
What got into her?
Damn.
That melon shattered
all over the street.
What does that tell us, Noblet?
Noblet, why are you crying?
It's just a melon.
Just a little old lonely melon.
No other melons around,
not a patch in sight.
What's it doing out there?
Why is it holding
a picnic basket
with two of everything?
Two portobello mushroom
sandwiches, two macaroons.
Who would abandon a
faceless melon?
Can you imagine how that
melon must have felt, Noblet?
Can you imagine?
Noblet, where are you going?
Mmm.
I can almost taste the impact.
[SOBBING]
Mr. Noblet?
Huh?
Jerri, hi.
I was just looking
for my classroom.
Is this it?
Nope.
This is Mr. Jellineck's class.
Mr. Jellineck's accident's
a terrible thing.
Yeah, it's pretty bad.
And it's somebody's fault.
That's right, Jerri.
Some very guilty person.
I wonder how that guilty person
could get rid of
that guilty feeling?
Well, they'd have
to take responsibility
for what they did
and what they are.
Is there any other way?
God, I hope so.
It's just so hard for that
person to say that thing.
I'm guessing.
It's the hardest thing
he's ever done.
He?
Don't you mean "she"?
Are you talking about you?
No.
"She"?
Are you talking about you?
No.
Well, then, I guess
there's nothing more
for us not to talk about.
Bye!
See ya.
[GROANING]
Oh, what am I gonna do?
It sure is getting leathery.
[SNORING]
Will we be having sex tonight?
I don't think so.
Works for me!
Jerri.
Where, where
where's my face?
I want my face.
[CHUCKLING]
Ah.
Oh.
Chuck.
Tell the world, Chuck.
Tell the world that
we're friendly!
Agh!
Oh.
[SCREAMING]
No!
[SIGHING]
Augh!
I have to help Geoffrey.
And if that means telling
the world that I'm
Friendly, then so be it.
There has to be a way
to give this face back
that won't cause a lot
of commotion.
WOMAN: Based on the
spread of the head, the car
must have been traveling
at least 40 miles
I have something to say!
[GLASS SHATTERING]
Hmm.
Somebody's tied something
hideous to a brick.
Looks like an old moccasin.
Good Lord,
it's Jellineck's face!
Noblet, we found
Jellineck's face.
He's going to be fine.
You don't say!
Yes.
Now, what did you
want to tell us?
Uh nothing.
I was just looking
for my classroom.
Is this it?
Why this is
your office.
[CHUCKLING]
I should go
call my wife.
Jerri.
Mr. Noblet.
Describe the driver
as best you remember.
I remember an older man with
an oddly smallish head,
about the size of a coconut.
Mr. Jellineck has just
had his face reattached,
and is going to teach from
his hospital bed
as part of his
emotional rehabilitation.
But please prepare yourself.
Do not cry out in terror
as you gaze upon
the grotesquely misshapen
mass that was once his head.
Act natural,
no matter how strongly your
monkey reflexes might kick in,
telling you to flee from terror.
Now, I'll go see if he's ready.
Sweet Jesus, protect me!
What's this?
A police sketch artist.
Let's have a look at it.
Hmm.
Sinister.
How soon can we move on this?
I can have this
framed and hung in
your office within a week.
Do it.
Geoffrey, your class is here.
Welcome, class.
How wonderful it must be for
all of you to come visit me.
I understand that Mr. Noblet
is teaching my class.
I guess that's something.
Let's get started.
Does anybody have any questions
about last week's lesson?
Do they know who hit you?
No, that maniac is
still on the loose.
Why don't we try to focus
on the assignment?
What were you doing
in the street
with a picnic basket?
Were you waiting for someone?
Let's just say
I was waiting for something
that will never come.
[BEEPING]
Doctor, what's happening?
The face is rejecting the skull.
Everybody out.
We have to get him
back to surgery.
We may lose the face.
What's going wrong?
90% of his problem is medical,
but the other 90% is mental.
The face won't take unless
he wants it to.
He needs some ray of hope.
Don't worry, Jellineck.
We're having a benefit car wash,
and I've got the tire track.
We'll pin it on somebody.
Geoffrey, if you do
what you need to do
to get your face to take,
I'll do what I need
to do to tell everyone
about our friendship.
[RAPID BEEPING]
The face is stabilizing.
Get him out of here
and pack him with ice.
I wonder if the face
is stabilized.
If you're in here, who's
washing cars out there?
We've got a face to pay for.
It's cold outside.
Couldn't we please
stay in here? Why?
Chip doesn't have
a problem going out.
Maybe we could put
some clothes on?
What kind of car wash
would it be without
bikini-clad teens?
Now vamoose!
Principal Blackman,
we've got another car.
Chip, go check the tire.
Come on, let's
shake it up, ladies!
Let's go, come on!
Derrick, what are
you doing here?
Getting the car washed, troll.
I heard they got hot chocolate.
Boy, it sure looks
cold out there.
We, ah, believe the face took,
but we won't know for sure
until the bandages come off.
Ladies, block the door with
your budding femininity.
Jellineck, I've got
a bit of news that just might
perk up that hideously
scarred skull of yours.
The name of the hit-and-run
driver is
I got something to say.
I Derrick Blank.
Knew it!
What?
It's a perfect match.
I didn't do it.
It's my mom's car.
Possession is 9/10 of the law.
Chip, take him away.
Get him, string him up.
What is this crap?
Well, isn't that great
news, Jellineck?
It's the second-best thing
I could have heard.
I have something to say.
Nine months ago,
my entire life changed
after a chance meeting in
a truck-stop restroom.
Geoffrey and I became
Friendlier than I ever
thought imaginable.
He befriended me repeatedly.
Ever since, I've been
afraid that those
who aren't so friendly
would find out about
our friendship.
But I'm not afraid anymore.
I'm here to say that
Geoffrey and I are
Geoffrey your face!
I'm sorry, we did
the best we could.
There should be some improvement
once the puffiness goes down.
No, that's what he looks like.
Oh, well, then
success!
My face, my beautiful face!
Doesn't he look great,
everybody?
So, Noblet, what's your point?
So you're friendly.
Big deal, we're all friendly.
It's not like you're a homo.
You've gotten married.
You're married with children.
That's right, I am.
I should go give her a call.
I gotta go.
Chuck
Hey, great news about
the face, chief!
Well, that ends that.
We've got our culprit,
and you've got a face.
There is the little matter
of the bill.
Oh, that's right.
Ladies, let's see the cash.
All of it.
Don't make me put my rings on.
Mmm!
Well, it was a big week.
I guess what I learned
most of all
is that you should always
take responsibility
for your actions,
unless you don't have to.
Right, Mr. Noblet?
That's right, Jerri.
Never let your conscience
trick you into
owning up to the truth
when there's still some chance
somebody might believe the lie.
Right, Geoffrey?
Whatever, Chuck!
It may be an ugly world,
but at least I have
a beautiful face.
Let's go, Jerri!
[TIRES SCREECHING]
MAN:
Let's hit the road!