Superior Donuts (2017) s02e06 Episode Script

1 Okay.
I'm almost done with my college application.
Arthur, I still need your recommendation.
Got it right here.
Fresh off the typewriter.
You just keep coming up with creative ways to say "I'm old.
" Um, thank you, but how the hell am I supposed to attach this to my application? Uh, stapler.
It's electronic.
E-stapler? RANDY: All right.
Give me that.
(computer chimes) Wow, look at that, you got my letter! It's like watching a monkey discover a cucumber can't be peeled like a banana.
Franco, where are you applying? Uh, a bunch of schools around the city.
But my dream is Dearborn College.
They got this amazing art program.
RANDY: Oh, yeah.
That is a great school.
Very artsy.
The only play the football team knows is Death of a Salesman.
Yeah, but it's not easy to get into.
Hey, you better make sure you proofread that application.
I did.
Really? Oh, you made a mistake right here.
You forgot to check the box for African-American.
No, I didn't.
I'm not checking it.
Why not? RANDY: Yeah.
Colleges like people from different backgrounds.
Why not use that to your advantage? Well, I never really thought being black and poor as an advantage, although, I do get extra attention when I walk into a store.
They are just trying to level the playing field.
Yeah.
Affirmative action.
I know what it is.
If I get in, it'll be because of my test scores and my portfolio.
I want to be seen as an artist, not a black artist.
Good for you.
I feel the same way.
No handouts.
When my older son applied to college, I wouldn't let him identify as anything but American.
Remind me, Fawz, what was his name? Abdullah Farooq Hussein Al-Shahrani.
Look, they're just trying to make the system fairer.
Look, I got nothing against those programs, but they're just not for me.
All right? I don't want people thinking I don't deserve to be there.
Or looking at me like, "Oh, that's how he got in.
" Well, if they were looking at you, it means you got in.
I'm not doing it, all right? So, listen, I got to bounce.
If you're gonna proof that, send it in.
I got to get my portfolio ready.
I'm grabbing a picture of one of my paintings.
Is it in your apartment? Nah.
It's on the side of an L that should be pulling up at Argyle station in about ooh, three minutes.
I should go, too.
So, defacing public property gets you into college.
Will I get a PhD if I pee on a bus? Franco's lucky.
He knows which box to check.
I'd have no idea.
I thought you were Polish.
My parents are Polish.
I'm adopted.
- Really? - Yeah.
I've always been so curious about my heritage.
I always wanted to feel like I'm a part of something.
I mean, am I ruggedly handsome because I'm Swedish? Am I sophisticated because I'm French? Is he delusional because he was hit by a shovel? You know, Tush, they have a DNA test that can tell you your ethnic makeup.
Joanie made me do one of those.
I wasted 200 bucks to find out I'm Jewish.
Oh, the irony.
I just won $200 on a scratcher.
The smart investor would buy 200 more scratchers.
But I want to find out who I am.
Me, too.
Even though I'm sure I'm 100% Italian.
It's like my umbilical cord was a string of fettuccine.
(laughs) (grunts) Did he make a mistake? No, same as before.
He didn't put an X next to "African-American.
" Yeah, well, he didn't want to check that box.
Yeah, well, he doesn't know what he's talking about.
He'll never find out.
How's that work? Well, if he gets in, he'll be happy and it won't matter.
It definitely won't matter if he doesn't get in.
So, uh, submit.
(chuckles) Submit.
Why won't it submit? You just hit "return.
" Why? I don't want it to return, I want it to go.
(groans) Why do they call it a laptop? It's always on a counter.
Arthur, unless you're practicing your stand-up, you got to stop.
Bup.
Randy.
My DNA results are in.
The mystery has been cracked.
The genealogy is out of the bottle.
So what are you, Tush? I'm everything.
Russian, French, Italian.
Basically all of your salad dressings.
Also, Indian, both kinds.
And, Arthur, I'm four percent Jewish.
Mazel.
And four percent Palestinian, which explains my inner turmoil.
Any African? Ha, ha! Five percent, my brother.
(grunts) You got to be at least ten percent to learn the handshake.
Sorry, bro, I don't make the rules.
(Franco screams) Wow.
Did the nail salon start doing bikini waxes? Oh! (giggles) I just got accepted at Dearborn College! (others cheer) - Wow! - (laughs) Dope, man.
Yeah, man! (laughing) All right.
Thank you, thank you.
Ah, Franco, that's fantastic.
Thank you, man.
Yo, all that hard work and studying paid off.
Man, thank you for the help.
Well, I wouldn't stay up after 8:00 for just anybody.
Oh, wait a minute.
I got a bottle of champagne in the fridge.
Uh, Arthur, it's 9:30 in the morning.
Well, we'll just put some orange juice in it.
Yeah, put some I am really happy for Franco.
He worked so hard for this.
I told you.
Box checked, he's none the wiser.
No harm, no foul.
Arthur, this is covered with dust.
How old is it? It was part of my Y2K survival kit.
The sardines kept.
Let's see about the champagne.
Yo, that's amazing! I feel like I got into college, too.
When we move into the dorms, make sure we get a coed one.
Hey, guys, what's going on? I-I got into Dearborn, my dream school.
Oh, my God, that's great! I know.
I-I can't believe it.
I-I mean, Dearborn.
My-my dream school.
Yeah.
It's unbelievable.
Dearborn.
His dream school.
I get it.
You're worried it's gonna be too electric.
It will be if I use my Taser.
TUSH: Franco, what else did the e-mail say? - When do you start? - FRANCO: I don't know.
But it says I've been invited to a reception tomorrow night for something called the Bridges to the Future program.
Oh, cool.
I was in the Bridges to Tomorrow program.
- What's that? - It's what they call the inclusivity program at the University of Wisconsin.
Go Badgers! Oh.
Now, what's an inclusivity program? Because I think I'm gonna hate it.
It used to be called "diversity.
" Ah, yes.
I hate it.
FRANCO: Yeah.
It says "to introduce non-traditional students to the challenges of university life.
" What's "non-traditional" mean? Well, for you, it means "black.
" How would they know that? Who wants champagne? (chuckles) Boop! This is weird.
I don't remember checking the box.
Well, the point is you got in.
Yeah, but not the way I wanted to.
You know what? I'm-a call the admissions office real quick and straighten this out.
Oh, you hear that, Arthur? He's gonna call the admissions office and straighten this out.
Now, that's how we gonna be drinking in college.
Franco's gonna find out I checked that box.
What am I gonna do? You got to go down there and ask them to take him out of the program.
That's a great idea.
Tell Franco I had to run out.
Say there was a sale on custard guns uh, or make something up.
I don't know how I'm gonna top that custard gun story.
By the way, mi hija.
Mis DNA resultos are muy interesante.
What is happening? Turns out, I'm a combination of muchos ethnic backgrounds.
African, Irish, Middle Eastern.
In the future, we're all gonna look like me.
The future looks bleak.
I also have some Spanish in me.
Poquito amount.
Tres percente.
That means "three percent.
" Hope you're ready to have people ask you where to find the best Mexican food.
Ugh, white people.
By the way, where do you get the best Mexican food? Did you say you were part African? - Yeah.
- I bet Sweatpants would love to hear more about that.
- Really? Okay.
- Mm-hmm.
I'll fill you in after Sofia and I are done sharing Adios, mi hija.
All right.
I left a voice mail for the admissions office.
All right.
I got my DNA results.
- And? - Hundred percent Italian.
But here's the crazy part.
A distant cousin in Italy tracked me down and sent me an e-mail.
What'd it say, paisano? I belong to a royal family that ruled over Seborga.
I'm eighth in line to the throne, so if seven people die 400 years ago, I'm a queen.
Oh, I have an Italian question for you.
How does Pizza Hut get the cheese inside the crust? Tush, did you tell these guys that you're part African? Oh, yeah.
Guys, we might be related.
FRANCO and SWEATPANTS: No, we're not.
So you're saying Mr.
Wicks made a mistake on his application? Well, I did.
I was proofreading his application, and I accidentally checked the, uh, African-American box.
And you're his father? (chuckles): No, no.
He sort of my, uh, partner.
Really? Okay, we'll check that box, then.
Oh, no, no, no.
No.
I'm here to make sure we check no boxes at all.
I mean, uh, if you would just change your records.
Franco Wicks is not black.
Well, good for him.
I mean, good for being honest, not for being not black.
You know what, maybe I should start recording this.
Uh It is amazing what you can get in trouble for these days.
(knock on door) Hey, man, sorry for barging in, but no one was at reception.
There's been a misunderstand Arthur? Oh, hi, Franco.
What are you doing here? MATHERS: This is Franco? Franco Wicks? But you said he's not African-American.
Oh, I'm not.
I mean, I-I don't want to be.
Ah, I mean, I don't want to be for you.
Ah, okay.
This is feeling a little actionable.
Do you mind if I document this with a couple of photos? You checked the box? I know.
I'm sorry.
But Mr.
Mathers is gonna straighten the whole thing out.
No, no, no, no.
I did not say that.
I did not say that.
Um I cannot change something in the application.
I mean, what's done is done.
It's there in black and white I mean, obviously not you two.
Obviously not you two.
Okay.
Let me just grab one more photo.
Why'd you do that? It's a little blurry, but it'll hold up in court.
I was just trying to help.
I thought I was doing you a favor.
Because you thought I couldn't get in on my own.
No.
Because these schools are very hard to get into.
And it's stupid not to take every advantage.
Okay, but that's my decision, not yours.
I told you I told you I wanted to get in based on my talents.
And now I'll never know.
No, you got into your dream school.
It doesn't matter.
'Cause I'm not going.
(door closes) I'm sorry, just for the record, did we decide he's not black? Fawz, I've been doing a little research, and some of my Arabic roots go back to Iraq.
We could be related.
(chuckles) I don't think so.
- Why not? - Well, because for generations, my family would cast off the weak.
They would leave them on the side of the mountain and let the wolves take care of it.
In the beginning, they couldn't sleep because of the screaming, but eventually they couldn't sleep without it.
Does that to-go order have the full dozen? Yeah.
If you don't believe me, you can just check the box.
'Cause I know you like doing that.
Franco, I'm sorry I've apologized over a hundred times.
I don't know what to do.
What happened? Arthur checked the "African-American" box on Franco's application, and now he's turning Dearborn down.
What? Why would he blow a chance like this? Sofia, maybe you can get through to him, huh? Why me? Well, you did one of those ethnic-inclusive affirmative International House of Pancakes thingies.
I don't know why he won't listen to you.
You're so knowledgeable.
Arthur, you cannot push this off on Sofia.
Well, he doesn't want to listen to me, so you talk to him.
Fine.
Sofia, you talk to him.
So, I hear you're not going to Dearborn.
No.
No, it's cool.
I'm gonna go to some other school I applied to.
I got a lot of options.
But you have this great opportunity.
Wh-Why turn that down? Look, I'm not trying to go to some school where people look at me and think the only reason I got in is 'cause I'm black.
I hate to break it to you, but some people are gonna think that no matter what.
What, I'm supposed to be okay with that? You can't control what people think.
Like when I go to Target, there's always some idiot who thinks I work there.
You were wearing a red shirt! It's like you were trying to confuse people! Franco, you know you deserve to be there.
Yeah, I know.
I worked my ass off.
But I ain't trying to be some mascot who's just there to make people feel good about themselves.
Franco, this is bigger than you.
Think about the high school kids who visit Dearborn and see people of color and think, "Maybe I belong here, too.
" What, so I'm doing this for them? Yes.
Franco, isn't there that reception tonight? Maybe you should just go and check it out.
And what's the point? Well, talk to people that have done the program.
Make an informed decision.
What do you have to lose? I don't know.
ARTHUR: Maybe Sofia will go with you.
Sure, if Arthur pays for dinner after.
No booze, no tip.
So, uh, is this, like, a date? - Yeah.
- No.
No.
Franco, quick culture question: Who is The Man, and how do I stop him from keeping me down? Look, Tush, I don't have time to be black with you right now.
Move.
Tush, I am interested in your DNA results.
Specifically, when are you gonna stop talking about them? Oh.
Sorry, guys.
I didn't mean to be such a bother.
I guess I'm three percent Pacific Islander and, uh, about 100% annoying.
Poor Tush.
He just wants to connect to people.
And we can't even pretend to be happy for him.
I know, and faking emotion is, like, one of my strengths.
And this is so exciting for him.
I mean, it's not as exciting as finding out that you're a queen.
You're not a queen.
(scoffs) If you had said that 400 years ago, I'd have had you killed.
Okay, here we go.
Yeah, well, we're only staying a couple minutes, and then we're having some dinner on Arthur.
Well, you better hit up those mini quiches, 'cause he only gave us ten bucks.
Yep, just what I expected.
Uptight black dudes check.
Asian folks only talking to each other check.
Latino dude in a serape.
Relax.
BOTH: We get it.
(chuckles) Ooh, check that out.
A Native American lesbian in a weird hat.
A lez in a fez off the rez? It's like a diversity Dr.
Seuss.
Oh, shrimp! I don't want to take too many.
- That would be shellfish.
(laughs) - Oh! 'Cause of the Seafood in a shell.
I get it.
- I'm Donna.
- I'm Franco.
This is Sofia.
Hi.
Are you two a couple? What? No.
We just, we work near each other.
I mean, that's hilarious though.
But no.
You could have just said no.
Have you guys tried this cocktail sauce? It's a little spicy.
Either that or I'm having a hot flash.
So, do you do you work for the school? No, I just got admitted.
I'm one of the "Bridges to the Future.
" I'm also a bridge to those cupcakes.
That's weird.
Why would she be in the diversity program? I don't know.
But you know what? Just 'cause she looked white, - it doesn't mean - Right.
Ooh, rosé! That's fun.
SOFIA and FRANCO: She's white.
All right.
Hello, everyone.
Dearborn College is honored to welcome all of you.
This program is here to support you older students who have been out of the educational system for at least five years.
So grab a drink, and later we'll enjoy the chamber orchestra and two students from our Modern Dance department.
So we'll see what that looks like.
Oh, my God.
This program isn't for black people, it's for old people.
(both laugh) I'm old! Donna, we are old! So old! (laughs) Franco Wicks.
I'm, uh, kind of surprised to see you here after the outburst the other day.
I'm sorry, man, but, look, I-I thought I got admitted - because I'm black.
- No, no.
I looked up your file after you left, and you had a very impressive portfolio.
But what actually sealed the deal was the recommendation from your boss.
- Arthur? - Yeah, yeah.
His story of your pluck and determination to overcome your obstacles, it was it was quite moving.
Yeah, man, he's kind of obsessed with my pluck.
(chuckles) So, that's why you're here.
Plus, you're black.
No, I'm kidding, I'm kidding.
(laughs) No, that is not what this is about.
But while I have the two of you, this feels like a photo op.
Donna, Chief Inez, picture time.
Here we go.
All right.
Everybody say "brochure"! ALL: Brochure! - Hey, Arthur.
- Hey, Tush.
I got your text.
It took me a while to read it 'cause I set my phone to Portuguese.
I just wanted to give you something, Tush.
(clears throat) Hanukkah's coming up.
Thought you might want to light the menorah with me.
And I'll teach you a couple of "Baruch Atah Adonai.
" Arthur, I would like that.
It would give me such naches.
Look at this punim! Pulling that Yiddish out of his tuchas.
And because you're such a paisan, I brought you some spaghetti sauce made from my grandmother's recipe.
She would've loved that Italian in you, and had some colorful things to say about the other 96%.
And I bring you a basketball, autographed by the 2000 Iraqi national team.
Wow, cool.
How'd you get the signatures? Uh, they work at the auto body shop on the corner.
When they didn't do so great in the Olympics, they thought it best to flee.
You know, we just wanted you to know that you are a part of something.
You're a part of us.
Oh, I'm touched.
Oh, thank you.
Shalom.
Grazie.
And I think this guy fixed my brakes.
Guess who decided to go to Dearborn.
- Hey! - Hey! Yeah, man.
It turns out Bridges to the Future is a program for older students; helps them keep their jobs and go to school at the same time.
- That is great news, Franco.
- Yeah.
I got in just for being me, and not because you checked some box.
- I know, I shouldn't have done that.
I - No, no, no.
You helped a lot.
Mathers said you gave me a great recommendation.
What'd you write? Oh, well, I just told him how much I respect you, and how hard you've been working, and, uh, I might have mentioned something about your pluck.
- I knew you dropped the "P" bomb! - (laughs) Thank you, thank you, thank you so much for pushing me to do this whole college thing.
I just wanted to see you succeed.
I mean, you've been working so hard at it.
Oh, speaking of hard work, Tush, we got you Roots.
Oh I love it.
Thanks, guys.
- Hey.
- No.
You're ready.
(grunting) - Come here.
- (laughing) Yeah.
Yeah.
Oh.
Five percent, suckers! - We up in here now! - No Yo, a lot of interesting classes at Dearborn.
Oh, what's this? "Visions of International Womanhood.
" Damn, that sound like a Luther Vandross album.
It's probably about the history of intersectional feminism as it relates to shifting gender dynamics.
Wow.
That's way less hot than I thought it'd be.
You know, Sofia, we, uh, never got to have that dinner that Arthur was gonna pay for.
Oh, you're right.
We should do something about that.
Yeah? Yeah.
Could you give this back to Arthur? Cool.
She'll be back.
Will she?