Superjail! (2007) s02e06 Episode Script
Ghosts
Aaaaaaah! Aaah! Aaaah! Aah! So, this is for the cover, right? UmYeah.
O-of course, sir.
Great.
So, anyway, as I was saying, that was when I lost my first tooth.
I remember it was autumn, because the leaves Hup! Well, we're, uh, out of tape.
Uh [Chuckles.]
Well, we'll just have to pick up there on part 7 of the interview next week.
Copy boy! Transcribe this! You got it, chief! Ah, we'll bury it on page 12.
You, develop these stat! Ooh, pictures! And don't use any of the ones where he took his shirt off.
Okay, people, where are we with tomorrow's edition? We got 50 pages of obituaries and no page one! What about our "Ask Alice" column? I don't have one this week.
- Why not?! - Nobody's asking me Stop the presses! What the "f" was that? Our lead story! "Superjail haunted?!?!" Really, Jared.
I know your little rag is desperate for readers, but I don't approve of this tabloid journalism! And who said you could blow my money on color printing? But, sir, that photograph is irrefutable proof! That your D.
T.
S are getting so bad that you can't hold a camera steady! Then how do you explain all the strange noises?! Superjail is still, uh, settling.
The shaking walls? That's the price you pay when you live on a sweet volcano.
The moaning and groaning? Everybody groans when you enter a room, Jared.
That one's on you.
Warden! The walls are oozing blood! Happens every time jailbot puts down a riot, and then he cleans them right up.
Don't you, boy? Sir, eyewitness accounts have been pouring in since the story ran.
Quote "I saw a strange glowing eye hovering outside my "window.
" Mm-hmm.
Prisoners have overactive imaginations, Jared.
It's not just them! Alice says she's visited every night by a strange being who sneaks into her room and steals her panties! See overactive imaginations.
Aah! Haunted.
What?! All right, who's the prankster? I do not need to diet.
Aah! Is that a pimple?! Ugh! An ugly whitehead.
Who you callin' ugly? You ugly! Now get out of my face before I stomp your whitey ass.
Ew! Blackheads! Aah! Aah! Aaaaah! Ah! Whew! Whoa! Aah! Aah! Aaaaaaah! No! Whoa-oa! Aah! Okay, this isn't happening! You're dreaming! And any minute now, you're gonna wake u aaaaaaaaah! Aaaah! Jared! Oh! Help me, buddy! You were right! I-it's real! It's all real! I'm haunted! Dead people hate me! Okay, c-calm down, sir! W-we'll get you some help! Who do we know who has esp? I don't think drugs will help the situation, Jared.
I'm pretty keyed up as it is! You came to the right place, honey.
Superjail is in spiritual unrest.
But Aah! And this is a very big "but" by simply rearranging the furniture, we can restore the positive flow of superjail's chi.
He's on a Feng Shui kick.
I don't know.
There.
You see? That actually looks pretty great.
Ay-eeeeeee! Ugh! Haven't you ever heard of salmonella?! You got bigger problem Dan dat, man! Out! For what, exactly? Hey, neat! Is this supposed to be me? You should have come to me first! Science has all the answers! So, there is a scientific explanation for all of this Ja superjail is crazy spooked! Between the here und the hereafter is a membrane.
When you die, you pass through this membrane to the afterlife! But somehow these spirits got stuck inside! I don't follow.
Imagine if you had no Where would your poo-poos go? They would back up, first into your lower intestine Then the small intestine The colon, the stomach Expanding und expanding until Aah! Ah! You're in a world of Yikes! What do we do?! You must go inside the membrane und clean out all the turds! Ugh! That sounds like the kind of thing I pay Jared for.
Nein! It must be you! How do I get there? Oh, that part's easy.
We kill you! What?! No way! Relax.
In five minutes, we will revive you, und you will be as good as new.
It's all very scientific.
Well, all right.
If you say so.
Ja! Let's do this! Okay.
Okay, here goes.
Attention, restless souls of superjail! Uh, as much as this goes against everything I believe in and don't believe in I hereby officially pardon and release each and every one of you! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Did you just say you pardon us? That's right.
You're welcome.
You lock us up to die in that human meat grinder you call a jail, and you think we're the ones who need pardoning?! Well, uh Let's get him, fellas! Doc, pull me out! Pull me out! It's been almost five minutes! Uh, shouldn't we revive him? Eh, he can go another minute.
Waaah! Ooh! Aah! Clear.
Yikes! Well, auf wiedersehen! The doctor is out! Wait! How do we stop this?! Beats me.
I'm a scientist.
I don't believe in ghosts! I'm back! Aah! Yeah! W-w-warden! Are you okay?! Oh, great.
I thought they'd never leave.
Who are you? Chetzolpocotlan, but you can call me "Chet.
" You're the warden, right? I got to tell you big fan.
Aah! Man, I thought i was good at human sacrifice, but you Look, I-I'm flattered, but I think you might be the source of my problem here.
It looks like you're kind of, uh, blocking the fire exit, if you know what I mean.
Whoa-ho! Look at that.
Superjl just packs 'em in.
What's your secret? Aah! No! Don't you die on me, sir! H-help me, you guys! Clear! I guess I'm just afraid.
I must've pissed off the gods something awful, because they sent those conquistador jerks and all those volcanoes.
Who knows what they have waiting for me on the other side? None of us do, buddy, but we all got to go sometime.
Warden! Warden! Ho-ho! Check out the cabeza on that little guy.
I know, right? It's freaky big! Hey! Where were you when I was in the beheading racket? Melon that size could have appeased the hell out of the gods! How have you not beheaded him yet? Believe me, I ask myself that every day.
Who is this guy?! Oh, he's this 1,000-year-old priest guy who used to run superjail when it was a temple.
What are you doing here? I-I was trying to save you! But I electrocuted myself.
Great work as usual, Jared.
Yeah.
That's using your head.
Oh, I'll show you how I use my head! Oh, hey! Whoa! Not yet.
Jared Why are you on top of me? Why does your breath smell like you brushed your teeth with dead people? Well, this house is clean.
Oh! Is this heaven? Ah, it's good to be alive!
O-of course, sir.
Great.
So, anyway, as I was saying, that was when I lost my first tooth.
I remember it was autumn, because the leaves Hup! Well, we're, uh, out of tape.
Uh [Chuckles.]
Well, we'll just have to pick up there on part 7 of the interview next week.
Copy boy! Transcribe this! You got it, chief! Ah, we'll bury it on page 12.
You, develop these stat! Ooh, pictures! And don't use any of the ones where he took his shirt off.
Okay, people, where are we with tomorrow's edition? We got 50 pages of obituaries and no page one! What about our "Ask Alice" column? I don't have one this week.
- Why not?! - Nobody's asking me Stop the presses! What the "f" was that? Our lead story! "Superjail haunted?!?!" Really, Jared.
I know your little rag is desperate for readers, but I don't approve of this tabloid journalism! And who said you could blow my money on color printing? But, sir, that photograph is irrefutable proof! That your D.
T.
S are getting so bad that you can't hold a camera steady! Then how do you explain all the strange noises?! Superjail is still, uh, settling.
The shaking walls? That's the price you pay when you live on a sweet volcano.
The moaning and groaning? Everybody groans when you enter a room, Jared.
That one's on you.
Warden! The walls are oozing blood! Happens every time jailbot puts down a riot, and then he cleans them right up.
Don't you, boy? Sir, eyewitness accounts have been pouring in since the story ran.
Quote "I saw a strange glowing eye hovering outside my "window.
" Mm-hmm.
Prisoners have overactive imaginations, Jared.
It's not just them! Alice says she's visited every night by a strange being who sneaks into her room and steals her panties! See overactive imaginations.
Aah! Haunted.
What?! All right, who's the prankster? I do not need to diet.
Aah! Is that a pimple?! Ugh! An ugly whitehead.
Who you callin' ugly? You ugly! Now get out of my face before I stomp your whitey ass.
Ew! Blackheads! Aah! Aah! Aaaaah! Ah! Whew! Whoa! Aah! Aah! Aaaaaaah! No! Whoa-oa! Aah! Okay, this isn't happening! You're dreaming! And any minute now, you're gonna wake u aaaaaaaaah! Aaaah! Jared! Oh! Help me, buddy! You were right! I-it's real! It's all real! I'm haunted! Dead people hate me! Okay, c-calm down, sir! W-we'll get you some help! Who do we know who has esp? I don't think drugs will help the situation, Jared.
I'm pretty keyed up as it is! You came to the right place, honey.
Superjail is in spiritual unrest.
But Aah! And this is a very big "but" by simply rearranging the furniture, we can restore the positive flow of superjail's chi.
He's on a Feng Shui kick.
I don't know.
There.
You see? That actually looks pretty great.
Ay-eeeeeee! Ugh! Haven't you ever heard of salmonella?! You got bigger problem Dan dat, man! Out! For what, exactly? Hey, neat! Is this supposed to be me? You should have come to me first! Science has all the answers! So, there is a scientific explanation for all of this Ja superjail is crazy spooked! Between the here und the hereafter is a membrane.
When you die, you pass through this membrane to the afterlife! But somehow these spirits got stuck inside! I don't follow.
Imagine if you had no Where would your poo-poos go? They would back up, first into your lower intestine Then the small intestine The colon, the stomach Expanding und expanding until Aah! Ah! You're in a world of Yikes! What do we do?! You must go inside the membrane und clean out all the turds! Ugh! That sounds like the kind of thing I pay Jared for.
Nein! It must be you! How do I get there? Oh, that part's easy.
We kill you! What?! No way! Relax.
In five minutes, we will revive you, und you will be as good as new.
It's all very scientific.
Well, all right.
If you say so.
Ja! Let's do this! Okay.
Okay, here goes.
Attention, restless souls of superjail! Uh, as much as this goes against everything I believe in and don't believe in I hereby officially pardon and release each and every one of you! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Did you just say you pardon us? That's right.
You're welcome.
You lock us up to die in that human meat grinder you call a jail, and you think we're the ones who need pardoning?! Well, uh Let's get him, fellas! Doc, pull me out! Pull me out! It's been almost five minutes! Uh, shouldn't we revive him? Eh, he can go another minute.
Waaah! Ooh! Aah! Clear.
Yikes! Well, auf wiedersehen! The doctor is out! Wait! How do we stop this?! Beats me.
I'm a scientist.
I don't believe in ghosts! I'm back! Aah! Yeah! W-w-warden! Are you okay?! Oh, great.
I thought they'd never leave.
Who are you? Chetzolpocotlan, but you can call me "Chet.
" You're the warden, right? I got to tell you big fan.
Aah! Man, I thought i was good at human sacrifice, but you Look, I-I'm flattered, but I think you might be the source of my problem here.
It looks like you're kind of, uh, blocking the fire exit, if you know what I mean.
Whoa-ho! Look at that.
Superjl just packs 'em in.
What's your secret? Aah! No! Don't you die on me, sir! H-help me, you guys! Clear! I guess I'm just afraid.
I must've pissed off the gods something awful, because they sent those conquistador jerks and all those volcanoes.
Who knows what they have waiting for me on the other side? None of us do, buddy, but we all got to go sometime.
Warden! Warden! Ho-ho! Check out the cabeza on that little guy.
I know, right? It's freaky big! Hey! Where were you when I was in the beheading racket? Melon that size could have appeased the hell out of the gods! How have you not beheaded him yet? Believe me, I ask myself that every day.
Who is this guy?! Oh, he's this 1,000-year-old priest guy who used to run superjail when it was a temple.
What are you doing here? I-I was trying to save you! But I electrocuted myself.
Great work as usual, Jared.
Yeah.
That's using your head.
Oh, I'll show you how I use my head! Oh, hey! Whoa! Not yet.
Jared Why are you on top of me? Why does your breath smell like you brushed your teeth with dead people? Well, this house is clean.
Oh! Is this heaven? Ah, it's good to be alive!