Ten Year Old Tom (2021) s02e06 Episode Script

1
- Now as our poor
young lungs deflate ♪
I'll admit
I've gotten older ♪
Mellowed out, chatting up
those I used to hate ♪
♪
The feeling that
we're lost will always fade ♪
I present no explanations ♪
Can't expect
our tired patience ♪
To satiate for long ♪
Therein lies a truth
we can sip when we want ♪
Disciples of the flow,
we can float anywhere ♪
[upbeat music playing]
- Thanks for the ride,
Shanelle.
Okay, have fun at school, baby.
Be good.
- Okay, I will try. Ta-ta.
Errbody, what's up?
- All right, see you later.
- Hey, you must be
Nelson's new mom.
- I am. Hi.
- I'm the gym teacher,
which explains why
my body is so ripped and buff.
- It is very ripped. Wow.
I like those shorts.
- Ah, I got these on sale.
- And I'm Brad.
I know I look young for my age
but I'm actually
Dakota's father.
- You are adorable.
- [chuckles]
Yeah, I--I take care of myself.
- Can I ask you a question?
- Yeah.
- Okay.
- I have this
morning news show.
Be honest; is this too much
to wear on the air?
- You look great.
- Yeah, it fits perfect.
- Oh, you don't think
my boob humps are too big?
- No.
- Yeah, no.
- Thank you. Thank you so much.
That was really sweet of you--
- Well, hello, lovely lady.
I'm the bus driver.
- Honk, honk.
- I understand
you're a married woman,
but in this day and age,
who knows what that means?
[horn honks]
- Move the goddamn bus.
And Brad, what the hell
are you doing?
School started ten minutes ago.
- I have no idea
who that woman is.
[horns honking repeatedly]
- Where is the gym teacher?
- Something must be wrong.
I'm pulling the fire alarm.
- Yes, pull it.
[fire alarm ringing]
- Hi, kids,
this is your principal.
There is no fire.
But I do need
all male teachers
to report to their classrooms.
I repeat, all male teachers,
report to your classrooms.
And, Tom, please come see me
right now.
- Hey, Principal,
what's going on?
It's complete chaos in here.
- Please shut the door.
- Okay. What's up?
- I have a real dilemma
on my hands.
It's about Nelson's hot mom.
- I'm sorry. It sounded like
you said "Nelson's hot mom"?
- Yes.
- That's the problem?
- Well, the problem is,
she's too hot,
and every time
she comes to visit,
the whole school comes to
a standstill.
- Can't imagine how this
relates to me in any way.
- Okay, here's the deal.
- Yeah?
- I can't say anything.
You understand that, right,
as the principal?
- Sure.
- So since you and Nelson are
so close,
I was just hoping that you
could just float it out there.
- Float what?
- Just tastefully ask Nelson
to see if she can ease up on
the cleavage
when she's at the school.
- I'm gonna have to ask you
what "cleavage" means.
- Oh, my g--boobies.
- Boobies? Oh, no, come on.
I'm not--
I'm not involved with this.
- You're already involved.
We've been talking
a full minute about this.
- It's been mindless drivel!
- Tom, I'm gonna be honest
with you;
I have diarrhea over this, so
just see what you can do, okay?
- All right, I'll see
what I can do.
- And don't tell anyone
I put you up to this.
Pinky swear me.
- Pinky swear?
- Yeah, that's right. Do it.
- That's not legally binding,
is it?
- Yes, it is.
- What happens if
I break the swear?
- You go to prison.
- That doesn't sound right
at all.
[beeping]
- Tom, you're not great at
video games.
- I'm not good.
- Your thumbs are too slow.
- Thumbs are slow,
eyes are slow, whole--
- You don't get this by now?
- Not my world.
[slicing]
- Ah!
- Listen, on a completely
unrelated note,
I have something
I wanna discuss.
- Tom, we ten years old.
We don't discuss things.
- Listen, it's--it's about
your new mom.
- Oh.
- I was just hoping--
uh, how should I say this?
You're familiar with bosoms,
right?
- Bosoms?
- That's not coming out right.
What's the word
I'm looking for?
Cleavage?
- Cleavage, Ohio?
- This is really awkward.
- Hold on, hold on, hold on.
Mom!
- Oh, no.
- Dad! Get in here!
- No, this is guy talk.
- Hi.
- Hey.
- Is this the Tom I've been
hearing so much about?
- This is Tom.
But, uh, sorry to bother you.
Forget I said anything.
- No, no, no. Say it, Tom.
- Speak your mind. There's no
secrets in this house.
- All right, if you insist.
Um, I was just wondering,
and this is just one--
one kid's opinion.
- Yeah.
- When you're on school
grounds
- Mm-hmm.
- Is it possible to just
ease up on the amount of
knockers you're showing?
- Knockers?
- What?
- Did you just ask me to
ease up on knockers?
- I feel like
this is coming out wrong.
- Tom, what the hell has
gotten into you, son?
- What do people say
these days, cans, jugs?
- You need to stop, okay?
- Ya--yabos?
- Yabos?
Nelson, are you friends
with this lunatic?
- I mean, he usually
a pretty normal guy.
- I don't usually weigh in
on things like this.
- You're not supposed to.
You're supposed to be ten!
- I'm calling your mom
right now.
- No, don't call my mom.
- No, no, no, no.
I'll handle this myself.
I'm gonna discuss this
on the program!
[door slams]
- Your mom has a program?
- Oh, you don't know about
the program?
- We talk about this
and we talk about that ♪
We talk about Jersey,
Jersey, yeah! ♪
[applause]
- Good morning and welcome to
"Talkin' Jersey,"
where we give a fresh,
unfiltered take
on the topics that matter
to you.
- And my name's Ben.
- You don't have anything else
to add, Ben?
- Just like to identify myself
at the beginning of the show.
- Anyway, something upsetting
happened
that I want to discuss.
This boy came into my home
to ask me if I could
"ease up on the knockers."
[audience gasps]
- What is happening?
Kids are the worst.
- Can I get a closeup on
camera B?
- Yeah, let's go close
on B, here.
- Girls, body positivity
is important.
No matter--
- I agree.
- No matter what
your body type,
you should feel empowered
and strong.
- Powered and strong.
- If there's a--
- That's--
that's what's important.
- Ben.
If there's a Tom in your life,
tell him to shut up.
- To shut his mouth.
- Ben--you are beautiful
just the way you are.
- Yeah, tell 'em Ben sent ya.
- Don't you dare say anything
about Ben.
- Now stick around
'cause after the break,
we're gonna be making some
blueberry pancakes. Yum.
- Ben, you're really bad
at this!
- I know. I don't know why
they hired me.
I'm dull, I'm visibly nervous,
I'm bad at banter.
- We talk about Jersey,
Jersey, yeah ♪
[school bell rings]
- Hey, guys, have you tried
these zucchini sticks?
They're delectable.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
You can't sit
your zucchini stick here.
- You talking 'bout?
This my spot.
- Oh, man, I hate to break it
to you, brother.
You've been cancelled.
- I've been what?
- My mom talked about the
knockers thing on her TV show.
- Oh, no. Does anyone watch
that program?
- Told you about the program,
you didn't look the program up?
- I didn't watch it. No, I got
a whole routine in the morning.
I take a bath,
do my jumping jacks,
I drink some milk
and get goin'.
- Oh, I'm sorry to hear that,
man.
- This is upsetting.
So what does this mean?
We can't have lunch together?
- Oh, we can't do anything
together.
- Matter of fact, why don't you
step away from the table?
I don't like the way
people looking at us.
- Nelson, you're abandoning me?
After all these years?
- All these--Tom, we've been
friends since we were nine.
Let's not overstate
the history here.
[plucky music]
- Hey, uh, do you guys mind
if I sit here?
- We're gonna respectfully
decline.
- That's fair.
Listen, guys, I'm in the
market for a new table.
- Can't right now.
Sorry, table's full.
- It's full? That whole half
I can't sit at?
- No, that's--that's taken.
Someone's coming. That's taken.
- You guys wanna talk it over
first?
- Oh, bye!
- Hey, any chance--
- Hard pass.
- Okay.
- What are you doing? Close
your mouth while you're eating.
- Don't tell me what to do,
okay?
- Hey, Randy.
- Hey.
- Hey, buddy. Listen,
I'm having a little trouble
finding a suitable table
to sit at.
- Uh-huh.
- Not getting a lot of
positive feedback,
and I was wondering,
if it's not too much trouble,
if I could squeeze in here
with you guys.
- Tom, you don't have to
grovel.
We take anyone in here.
We're like the Statue of
Liberty of lunch tables.
Give us your lame, your stupid,
your dumb.
- Oh, that's great. Thank you.
- Just sit down.
- Oh, wow,
the janitor sits here.
- Tom, this is America.
Last time I checked,
janitors can sit
wherever the F they want.
- No one's questioning it.
- And this is where I want.
- I just was surprised to
see you.
- Listen, Tom, I feel like
fate has brought us together,
you know that?
- Weird small talk?
What's happening?
- I heard what happened to you.
- Yeah, I'm cancelled.
- I can relate.
I was once cancelled too.
- You?
- Before this job, I was
the CEO of Outback Steakhouse.
- Really? No.
- He's Bob Reynolds.
He greenlit the Bloomin' Onion.
- That's right.
One day, I made an off-color
joke.
Next thing I know,
my career was over.
- How bad was the joke?
- Not bad.
It was a harmless
boomerang penis thing.
- That sounds hysterical.
- Who could be hung up
about that?
- Uh, let me tell you who:
Australians.
- They cancelled you
just for that?
- Essentially, but only because
I let them cancel me.
- What does that mean?
- Don't run and hide, Tom.
- Okay.
- You need to get out there
with your friends and project
an air of confidence.
- Oh.
- Like nothing happened.
- Well, the thing is,
I don't have any friends,
so how would I--
- Well, you got two friends,
huh?
You're looking at 'em.
- One, two.
- One, two? Randy, come on.
- Would you stop?
- Oh, this changes everything.
All right,
I don't know about you losers
but we're having fun over here.
- That's right!
- Nothing problematic
over here!
[80's rock music]
- Okay, Randy, take some pics
of us having fun. Go!
- Just having fun with my buds,
Randy and the janitor.
- Posting to all socials.
#notlosers.
- #lifekicksass!
- #hangingoutwith
theexCEOofOutbackSteak--
is that too long for a hashtag?
- Uh, I'm not allowed to say.
[camera clicks]
- Tommy, my friend,
what do you got there?
What do you got in your cup?
- Tom, what you got
in that cup?
- Just got some ice cream with
some sprinkles and whatnot.
- #sprinklebuds.
[camera clicks]
Okay, canoe boys!
- Yeah.
- Should we go for
an alliteration, like--
- Canoe kids.
- There we go. #canoekids.
- Look at us.
- #havingablastwithmyroofies.
- Yeah, roofies!
Having a blast.
- This is fun.
- Okay,
let's form a human pyramid
and stuff the pretzels
in our mouths.
- Love it.
- Now, Tom, you get on top
and you start singing "ain't
no party like a pretzel party,
'cause a pretzel party
don't stop."
- Good idea.
- I just thought of that.
- That's great. I'm having the
time of my life, I gotta say.
- Pardon me.
Can you snap a picture
of me and my friends partying
with pretzels in our mouths?
- Oh, hell no.
- Eww.
- Tom, what are you doing?
- Oh, hey, Nelson.
Eh, just partying with
my new friends.
- Man, get down.
We need to talk.
- Okay. Just party without me
for a minute, guys.
- Okay, yeah.
- Mom, Dad,
give us a second, please.
- Just keep a low profile.
We don't want to be seen
with this guy.
- What's up?
- What are you doing?
You look pathetic out there.
- Pathetic?
No, we're making
a pyramid of winners.
- No, you not.
That's not a pyramid.
Look how big the janitor is
compared to Randy.
- You're saying I'm not coming
across well?
- Look at them out there on
they knees right now, still.
- Get on top, Tom!
What's going on?
- What the fuck is this?
- Oh, no.
- Take it in.
- What have I done?
I never should have listened to
the janitor, I never should
have let the principal
make me comment on
your mom's boobs--
- Wait, wait, wait,
woah, woah, woah, woah.
Go back.
- What?
- You said the principal
put you up to this?
- Yeah, I don't think of
stuff like that on my own.
- Tom, this changes everything!
- It does?
- Yeah, we can
be friends again.
- Why?
- It's not your fault.
- Oh.
- Why didn't you say something
sooner?
- I did a pinky swear,
so I'm legally bound.
- A pinky swear is not
legally binding contract.
- Yeah, I didn't think
that sounded right.
- See, you helpless without me.
Listen, I'm gonna tell my mom
the truth
and we're gonna get you
un-cancelled.
- You're a good friend, Nelson.
Thank you.
- Tom, are we doing this?
'Cause without you,
the pyramid is just
me and the janitor
kneeling on the floor.
- We talk about this
and we talk about that ♪
We talk about Jersey,
Jersey, yeah ♪
[applause]
- Folks, we have
an important show today.
- And my name's Ben.
- We nearly--what?
- Sorry. Yeah, go on.
- We nearly destroyed
a young boy's reputation
when it turns out
he was innocent.
- Hi, thank you.
Thanks for having me.
- [chuckles]
Tom, thanks for joining us.
Now, Principal, tell us
what really happened here.
- Well, I asked a student
to gently suggest
that your clothes were
a distraction at school.
And it was wrong
and I'm very sorry.
- Yeah, you're leaving out
a little part, aren't ya?
You said knockers, didn't you?
- No, I did not say--
what?
- You can admit it.
You said, "Tell Nelson's mom
to ease up on the knockers."
We all know what knockers are.
Knockers are tits.
[audience gasps]
- Ben!
- Sorry.
- I would never say that.
That's rude and offensive.
Tom must've made that part up.
- What? Tom!
- It was his idea though.
It was his general idea.
I was just the kid who--
- Yeah, but you said knockers.
- Why are we latching onto
the word knockers?
- Because that's
the offensive part!
- I thought knockers
was a fun word,
like jugs or rack or cans or--
- Are you kidding, kid?
- Good lord!
Can we cut this kid's mic?
- Sorry for the confusion,
folks.
The cancellation is back on.
[audience booing]
- No, please.
You can't re-cancel someone.
- I think we can.
Why--why not?
- I'm re-cancelled
just for saying cans, jugs,
knockers, and yabos?
What kind of world are
we living in?
- [sighs] There's only so much
I can do to help him.
- Jersey is the place that
we're talkin' about ♪
Grab a cup of joe ♪
[car horn honking]
- Hey, stop running.
Guys! I know it's
a three-day weekend,
but that doesn't mean you can
act like animals.
And, Hector, stop climbing
the flag pole!
- You're not the boss of me!
Ha-ha!
[horn honks]
- Principal!
Why is this line not moving?
- Yeah, well--
- I'm meeting my friend,
Denise,
we're both getting colonics
together
and then we're gonna
have lunch,
- Why are you telling me this?
- I can't be here.
- Please just try to be
patient.
Hey. Hey, don't do that!
There's kids around!
- Sorry.
[horn honks]
- Has everybody lost their mind
today? What is going on?
[phone rings]
Hello?
Well, why can't you come in?
Uh, not today, okay?
You just come in
with your diarrhea.
I don't care if it's coming out
of both ends.
Half the teachers called in
sick today.
You can shit all over the
school but I need you in here.
Fine, I'm hanging up.
Oh, hey, you! We need to talk.
- Wh--what's up?
- Listen, it's a crazy morning.
I need you to teach history
class today.
- Oh, I--I'm not certified
to teach.
- Oh, I don't think you need
to be, as far as I know.
- I mean, I'm pretty sure
you do.
- No, no,
I'm positive you don't.
I just need a warm body.
Leave the bus running.
Go, go, go!
- Uh, okay, you're the boss.
[door opens]
Hi, kids.
I'm filling in for Mrs. Yuhas
today.
She has explosive diarrhea,
as I'm sure you all know.
And if you don't,
she wanted you to know.
- Um, are you qualified
to teach history?
'Cause you're just
a bus driver.
- Yasmine, history is
a lot like a bus.
It just keeps on rollin'.
- Okay.
- Let's dive in. Where we at?
- Oh, we're rehearsing
our presentations
on great Americans
for History Week.
Tom's up next.
- Oh, no. I'll go later.
I'm not a big public speaker.
I get visibly nervous.
- Tom, this is a safe space.
I'm sure you'll do great.
- All right,
I guess we're all friends here.
Um
"Christopher Columbus was
a great man who--"
- Uh-uh, wrong.
- I didn't say anything yet.
- You were lying.
You said he was a great man,
and he was not.
Columbus was a murderer
and a scoundrel.
- Oh. I thought he sailed
the ocean blue.
- Well, he did.
But when he got to shore,
he raped and pillaged.
- Oh, no.
Textbook didn't say anything
about raping and--
- Yeah, well, the textbook,
it's full of lies, Tom.
- Oh.
- Kids, I'm not afraid to be
straight with you.
I'm like Michelle Pfeiffer in
"Dangerous Minds."
- That doesn't mean anything.
- Your homework
tonight is to go home,
burn your textbooks,
and ponder the fact that
you are the descendants
of savages.
- Dad, is there blood on
our hands because
our ancestors slaughtered
thousands of people
for this land?
- Woah.
- Mom, is it true?
Do we rape and pillage?
Did we rape and pillage?
- Dad, are we the descendants
of savages?
- Uh, yes, but why are they
teaching you that in school?
[school bell rings]
- Principal.
Principal, we need to talk.
Get him out of here whatever--
let's break the door down.
We're gonna break
the door down.
We need to talk to him
right now.
- Oh, Tom.
- Yeah?
- What did you say
in history class
that everybody's so furious?
- Oh, no. It was the--
it was the bus driver.
He was talking about
Columbus pillaging,
raping people.
- What?
- He said some crazy things
about, uh--
- Okay, we can't blame him,
okay?
- Can't blame him?
No, it was his fault.
- I'm the one who let him teach
so this reflects poorly on me.
If the word gets out, I'm done.
- How does that involve me?
- Tom, you--you need to
take the fall.
- No, no. Not again.
[pounding on door]
- Principal!
- If you're not gonna
take the hit,
then hide in
the filing cabinet.
- I'm not hiding.
- Tom, do something good,
please!
- Stop, stop.
- Tom.
- Oh, my God. Help.
- [shushing]
- Help.
[door opens]
- Oh, there you are.
After five hours of waiting.
- Okay, hi, everybody.
Listen, I know you're upset,
but I just wanted to say that
one of our students made up
a crazy speech in class.
But he is being reprimanded.
- I heard it was
the bus driver.
Why did you let him teach
our children?
- Okay, we don't have time
for 8 million questions.
- [groans]
- All I wanted let you know
is that everything is
being taken care of.
[filing cabinet thumps]
- Wait a minute.
- Hey.
[filing cabinet thumps]
Hey!
- Oh, shit.
- Who is that?
- I'm locked up!
I'm in the cabinet.
[filing cabinet thumps]
Oh, thank God.
Thanks for letting me out,
guys.
- Wow.
Stuffing a child
in a filing cabinet.
Now this here is a new low.
- I mean, I stuff Randy
in things all the time
but I'm not the principal
of a school.
- You, sir, are so done.
- This is how it ends?
The history teacher
gets exploding diarrhea,
there's shit flying everywhere,
and now I can't be
the principal.
- Hey, hey, stop that.
You're beating yourself up.
- I mean, the superintendent
of the school's
gonna come to History Week,
okay?
And then she is gonna fire me.
- Hey, you know what you need?
You need one of my famous
Coach pep talks.
- No.
- Look at me.
When the chips are down,
you need to pull yourself up.
- Okay.
- Don't listen when people say
you're a boob, or an idiot
- Uh, what?
- Don't listen when they say
they don't know how
you could have possibly
gotten this job.
- Wait, do people say that?
- Yeah.
Don't listen when people
talk about that you smell.
- Wait, what's wrong with
the way I smell?
- Don't listen.
This is my whole point.
When--when people are
talking about
your very, very tiny penis--
- Oh, now that's just--
who told you
I had a small penis?
- A lot of people
are talking about it.
- What do you mean?
Why would that even come up?
- Somebody saw you in
the bathroom.
It was a whole thing. But I'm
telling you not to listen.
- What is happening here?
- Little penis people have done
a lot of great things
in the world.
- Well--
- You've done great things.
That's the truth of it.
- Well, that makes sense.
- You have to wash this out of
your system like
the diarrhea coming out of
that history teacher's asshole!
- Wow. You know what, Coach?
Thank you so much.
You seriously--
you got me fired up right now.
You're the best. I feel great.
I'm out of here.
Take care of this.
- Take--take care of what?
Uh, hold on a second.
[door slams]
I think he's--
he's skipping out on the bill.
- Were you talking about
small penises?
- Uh--
- Weird conversation.
[urinating]
- Prin--principal?
- Hey, Tom.
- What are you do--are you--
you're not peeing on my house,
are you?
- Oh, shut up, please.
I thought I saw, like,
a cat come over here
and I didn't know
what was going on.
- You're literally--
I can hear it.
You're peeing on my house
right now.
- Tom, come on down here.
I need you to meet me
in your kitchen.
[zips]
- All right. I feel like
I'll regret going downstairs
but let's give it a shot.
- This meatloaf is so good.
- Oh, you just took
the meatloaf out?
What are you doing?
- Holy shit.
- No one said
you could eat that.
- Usually meatloaf sucks
but this is, like, good.
- Principal, are you okay?
You seem a little
out of control.
- Well, I have a favor to ask.
- Oh, okay.
- You know your history speech
about Christopher Columbus?
- Yeah.
- Well, I need you to do it
about me.
- Make the speech about you?
- Yes.
- No, it's about great
Americans throughout history,
not people like you.
- Tom, why can't you be nice?
You're so--listen,
I've done a lot of good things.
- You have?
- Yes.
- Like what?
- How 'bout I just had
a brand-new hot water heater
installed last year?
- That sounds like routine
maintenance.
- If you do your research,
you'll find out
I've done plenty of
good things.
- All right, you know what?
Let me do some research
and I'll see what I find.
- I really appreciate this.
And also just keep
this exchange, like, you know,
just between us. You know,
parents are so sensitive.
- Yeah, you start peeing on
people's houses,
they're all up in arms.
- "Oh, did you hear the
principal peed on Tom's house?
He should be held accountable
for that."
It's a crazy time
we're living in.
[school bell rings]
- Hey, there, kiddo.
- Hey.
Who are you?
- The librarian.
- Oh, okay.
- So what can I do for you?
- Do for me? Nothing, I'm good.
I, uh--doing a research report.
- Now come on, want me.
All I want, I wanna be wanted.
- I don't really need help.
- Nobody needs me anymore.
Like a piece of dog shit on
the bottom of some kid's shoe.
- Got sad quickly.
Uh, listen, I could actually
use some help.
I--I need information on
the principal.
- Oh, I got some messed up
stuff on that asshole.
- Oh, really? Like--like what?
- You wanna know
what he's done?
- Yeah.
- Come here. Sit on my lap.
- Okay. Why not?
- Sit on
the old librarian's lap, huh?
- All right.
- Yeah, that feels good.
That's very nice.
- That is kinda nice, actually.
- Hey, you ready for this?
- Let's hear it.
- [indistinct whispering]
- Okay.
- [indistinct whispering]
- A squirrel?
- [indistinct whispering]
- Meatball sub?
- Yeah. [indistinct whispering]
- Put it down his pants.
- [indistinct whispering]
- He nailed Randy's mom?
- I'm telling ya.
- This is--
this stuff is all true?
- If the librarian says it
to you, you know it's true.
- Wow, this changes everything.
I'm glad we talked.
- Can I tell you
one other thing?
- Yeah?
- The Dewey Decimal System?
It's a bunch of bullshit.
- Not sure what to do with that
but thank you.
- Tom?
- Yeah?
- You okay?
- Oh, man, I just learned
some crazy stuff.
- Lay it on me.
- Did you know that
the principal once killed
a guy at a PTA meeting?
- What? Really?
- He killed a guy with
a meatball sub.
He beat him to death.
- [stammering]
In full view of other people?
- There's not--there's more.
You know our mascot,
the Squirrels?
You know how that came to be?
- Uh, no?
- He kept a squirrel
down his pants
for the greater part of
his teenage years.
- Wait, what? A squirrel?
- And I'm sorry you have to
learn it this way,
but I'm also being told that
Randy is his son.
- Wait, what?
- The principal is your dad.
- Hold on. What?
- I'm sorry to just tell you
on the bus like this, but yeah.
- Just tell me on a bus
in front of all of our peers?
- Randy
is his illegitimate son.
- What the fuck?
- Tom.
You need to mention all of this
at the history event.
- Oh, no, oh, no.
That's inappropriate.
- You gotta set the record
straight.
- No, this is just bus talk.
- Why?
People do it all the time
at the Oscars.
- Really? You can just get up
and start flappin' your lips?
- Absolutely.
When you're handed a mic,
it's like society's saying
"I wanna hear what you think."
- It's tempting.
Bus driver, what do you think?
- All things considered, Tom,
I'm trying to ease up on
the weighing in.
It never seems to end well.
- Hey, thanks for coming out,
folks.
I really appreciate it.
- Dipshit.
- Okay, great.
Let's--let's give a nice,
warm welcome to Mrs. Yuhas.
[applause]
- Thank you, thank you.
- She's back after
a terrible bout with diarrhea.
- Uh--
- And it sounds like
it was just shootin' out of
her butthole and ugh.
- Why do you--
- Sorry.
- Okay, yeah, I don't think
you had to mention that.
- But anyway, welcome back.
You look great.
[scattered applause]
Anyway, we're all here for
the kids' speeches on
great Americans.
Our first one is about,
well, someone I guess
we all know and love.
So, Tom, take it away.
[applause]
- Thank you. Thank you.
You know, I was actually gonna
make my speech about
our very own principal.
- [chuckling] Okay!
- And then I learned what
a awful,
disgusting
freak of a man he is.
- Wait, what?
- Here's the truth.
Here's what I've learned.
He murdered the old principal.
[crowd gasps]
- Okay, that's simply not true.
- He literally murdered
the old principal.
That's how he got the job.
- I did not do that.
- And, uh, hate to say it
in this environment,
but Randy is
his illegitimate son.
- Wait, what?
- Not true.
- Makes me sick just imagining
the principal squeezing
my mom's butt!
- This is a lot right now,
okay?
- Sorry. I'm sorry I had to
bring it up here.
I just wanted to use this forum
to, uh, to make my views known.
- I'm reporting you to
the school board,
and I should've done it before.
- Please, everybody, please--
- Here's a better idea.
Let's burn his office down!
- Oh, yeah, I'm in.
- I agree. I'm in on that.
- Okay, listen, listen.
No one's burning anything.
- Follow me!
You ever see the movie
"Frankenstein"?
You've gotta be in a mob!
[flames crackling]
- Wow, watch it burn.
- You did it, Tom.
I'm proud of you.
- Thank you.
- You know how long I been
waiting to say that? A year.
- Tom!
- Oh, there he is.
- Why would you say
those things?
None of them were true.
- Come on.
You can admit it now.
- Where'd you get
that stuff from?
- The librarian.
- Who?
- Our school librarian.
- Tom, we do not have
a librarian.
- The librarian!
Right over there!
There he is. Hey, librarian.
- Don't tell me to calm down.
You calm down!
You calm down! What, you think
you're better than me?
You're not better than me.
- Tom, that's
the janitor's father.
- The what?
- The guy is--
has serious mental problems.
- Oh, no.
- Yeah, I let him sleep in
the library sometimes
because it's warm.
- Now I feel a little--
- Stupid?
- A little bit.
- Tom, you should feel bad.
Now you're always gonna be
remembered as
the kid who burned
my office down.
- I mean, compared
to the kid who
pooped his pants at baseball,
that's, like, a step in
the right direction.
- Remember
there's more road ♪
And places to go ♪
And patterns
to contemplate ♪
More people to fornicate ♪
And remember
there's a lot of good omens ♪
Supplying the proof ♪
That our life
is the best joke ever told ♪
Remember it's a joke
and leave it alone ♪
Let go and try to be
always abiding ♪
Remember if there's
one good reason for dying ♪
The sweet silver lining ♪
Through you she lives on ♪
And therein lies a truth
we can sip when we want ♪
Disciples of the flow,
we can float anywhere ♪
If ever there's a drought,
I've listed the puddles ♪