That '70s Show s02e06 Episode Script
Vanstock
Hey dad, can I go to Vanstock with the guys this weekend? What the hell's a Vanstock? Well, it's like Woodstock, but, with a greater emphasis on vans.
Sounds stupid.
Have a good time.
Oh, then daddy, since Eric is going out of town, can I have his car? Why? Where are you going? Excuse me, I was talking to daddy.
I know.
Where are you going? Frat party.
Frat party? No.
But daddy Look, honey! It's up to Eric.
Really? Well, I mean I guess NO! Well that's settled, then.
Red, what are you gonna do today? Well, read the want ads, look for a job, then just to break up the day I thought I'd go down to Recksol, look for some Gold Bond for my athlete's foot.
Any more questions? Well, oh boy, Red, we've got the big hospital banquet to look foreward to.
Oh, right.
Well, then.
Screw the Gold Bond, I gotta get my hair done! Well honey, I don't think it's gonna be that bad.
And, if it is, I can always give you a shot of Demerol.
You have Demerol? I mean, what's, what's Demerol? So! Donna and I are all set for Vanstock.
Whoa! No-Donna can't come with us! Why not? Well, it's kinda complicated Hey, Kelso.
So what time are we leaving for Vanstock? No! Yeah.
No! Yeah! No! I guess you should have given me your car, Eric.
Now I'll be with you and Kelso all weekend.
How could you ask Laurie? Well, Jackie didn't wanna go.
What choice did I have? Aw, man.
See, now you see my problem.
Since Laurie's going, I'm gonna have to make out with her.
And if Donna goes she's gonna see me making out with Laurie and then tell Jackie! Therefore, Donna can't go! Or, you could just not make out with my sister.
Be serious, Eric.
Ok, look.
Donna's coming, and if that blows your weekend then, too bad.
Fine.
But you know what? You're making cheating a lot harder than it has to be.
Kitty and I used to watch the soaps all the time.
So now it's like you're Kitty.
Don't you have a TV at home? It's too big.
I have to turn my head to see who's talking.
It hurts my neck.
Ooh! Shh! Shh! It's starting.
Ok.
That's Heather.
She's carrying Jeff's baby only Jeff is in intensive care, he's got a bullet in his brain.
Isn't he the lucky bastard.
Donna, check it out.
I've been working on this all morning and I'm pretty proud.
I zipped our two sleeping bags together to make one.
Look, uh, throw your stuff in the back, I'm gonna go get some snacks for the road.
Ok.
Oh! Hi! Donna.
So, that's the carpet.
I was just showing Laurie the carpet.
I need some help with my stuff.
I'm gonna give her some help with her stuff.
Well, I hope you like tuna fish sandwiches, 'cause that's all we got.
I just saw Kelso and your sister making out in the van.
Oh, no, that's uh Did you know about this? Did I? Uh, no! No! I didn't know about this! Hey, Hyde! Dona just saw Kelso and Laurie making out! So? Aren't you shocked? I'm shocked! For one to have learned about this! Hey guys! I decided to go! I thought it'd be fun to surprise Michael.
That would be fun! Um, Jackie, look, you know, before we surprise Kelso, there's something going on that you should know.
What? You know, vanstock is gonna be really boring, and it's gonna be muddy, and you know there's a good chance there's gonna be some Canadians there.
Eeeew!!! No, no, Jackie, you should go.
You can't let the Canadians win! Fez, put my stuff in the back.
Hey, Jackie.
You know what would be the perfect surprise for Kelso? We'll pull the curtains, and you hide in the back with us.
And at some point, you jump up front and yell surprise! Oh my god, that is perfect! Now, hop in the van before Kelso sees you.
Hurry up! Oh, this may be the best road trip ever.
So, you wanna shift? It's an automatic.
I know.
Surprise! -- Brad.
How could you sleep with my wife? You're my brother.
--I'm not your brother.
And I'm not Brad.
Holy cow! I didn't see that coming.
Wait'll Rachel finds out! But Rachel's about to dump Brad for Jeff! No! Jeff's in a coma! Oh, come on, Midge.
She can't love a guy in a coma? What the hell kinda love is that? Look at this.
Jackie brings four different types of mascara just to please Kelso.
And what does Kelso bring? An other woman.
Fez, you should really stop going through other people's stuff.
It's kind of creepy.
So, how long do you think this whole thing has been going on? Whoo, I, you know, I don't know, that's anyone's guess.
Right, Fez? What? Kelso and Laurie! See, ha, Fez doesn't even know! I don't know, I gue-you know, it's just, it's like, god, this is so wrong, you know? So what are we gonna do? I guess just let this all blow over.
Then Jackie and Kelso can get married, have kids, and be really unhappy.
So! Let's not let this ruin our vanstock experience, ok? Look at this.
Bubble gum LipSmacker.
What a waste.
So, you kids having fun? Nothing like a road trip to get to know each other.
Yeah.
Right.
Like, Jackie and Laurie.
They don't really know each other, and yet, they have so much in common.
Like what? Oh! Well, you both have really neat hair.
He's right! I love your hair.
What do you use? Hot rollers.
So do I! I hate styling wands.
So do I! See? You two keep talking.
There may be plenty of other things that you have in common.
No! No talking.
It makes the driver nervous.
So just everybody not talk.
Ok.
Let's just sing songs.
Who knows the words to "Three's Company?" I do! No singing! Come and knock on our door Come and knock on our door! We've been waiting for you We've been waiting for you! Where the kisses are hers and hers and his three's company too! Wow, man, Vanstock! It's exactly how I pictured it! Has anyone seen my top? I lost my top! Actually, it's even better than I pictured it! Do not take the blue acid! If you have taken the blue acid, please report to the red cross tent! Look at this debauchery.
This is the smelly underside of a once great nation.
Ooh, yum! Candy apples! Hey, man! What'd you say we go help that chick find her top? Nah, gotta stay here with the old balls and chains.
You know, Kelso, did you ever think about being honest with them? Maybe they won't be mad? Maybe, they'll like the idea of sharing you! Man, that'd be great, huh? You think they'd go for that? Cause that's been, like-Oh ho no! You're trying to set my up, Hyde! You never know if you don't try, man! Are you serious? Be serious, 'cause this is serious.
This has been a dream of mine since I was a kid and saw "The Parent Trap.
" There you go! Ok! We're heading off to the restroom! Ok.
Oh, man, they're going to the restroom? You know what girls do in the restroom, right? Oh, I like to pretend like they don't do that.
Not that, man, they talk! So? To each other! Oh my god! Girls! Wait up! What a maroon.
Well, Red, this is Doctor Browning, and uh, Doctor Cloak.
So you're Kitty's husband, eh? She's a little spitfire! We couldn't run the ward without her.
Oh, well, you could, but everyone would die! Ah, so Red, uh, what do you do? About what? Um, uh, Red used to be in management at the auto parts plant.
Oh, that's great.
Uh, what do you do now? About what? Oh my gosh, Red look, they have an open bar! No, he's not his brother! He's not even Brad! But he looks just like him.
That's the point.
You know, I don't understand why you watch if you're not gonna pay attention! I'm sorry about Red.
He's just, he's been a tiny bit cranky since he lost his job.
Kitty, it's fine.
I know, everything's fine.
He just um, he, he sits around and he mopes all day.
He, he once told me that if he ever started watching soaps I should shoot him, and I gotta tell ya, I am gosh darn tempted! Well, you know, when my wife is upset, I do something extra special for her, like surprise her with some candy.
Does Red have a sweet tooth? Um, no, no, uh, more of a beer tooth.
Oh, for god sakes.
You're a nurse and you can't love a guy in a coma? What the hell kind of hospital is this? Wow, look at the stars.
Yeah.
Your sister's kind of a slut.
I noticed that.
How is it that she turned out so awful and you turned out so nice? Ah, well you see Ok, Donna, there's something you should know.
Oh my god, you're pregnant.
It's nice to laugh, isn't it.
'Cause, I kinda knew about Kelso and Laurie all along, and didn't tell you.
Excuse me? Which was wrong, but now I'm being honest, which is right, right? Get out of this bag.
No, wait, Donna, just, please listen- Fine, I'll get out.
Oh, this is the worst vanstock ever! And now, another episode of Point Place.
My god Kitty.
What have I become? I don't know.
You're not the man I married! And I'm not Kitty.
What are you saying? I am Kitty.
But I am leaving you for Dr.
Cloak.
Or should I say, Eric's real father.
But why? He has a job.
What do you have, Red Forman? What do you have? I've got nothing.
Dear god.
Will I ever work again? Ok! I'm back! So.
Penny for your thoughts.
Well, one thing I'm thinking.
I gotta stop watching the soaps.
Well, I think that is a good idea.
Ha! So listen, um, I brought you home a special little treat Ohhh! Ahh! Hey! That's a nice beer! Yes it is.
What's the occasion? It's um, to celebrate your new job.
But Kitty.
I didn't get a job.
Not yet, but I know you will! Thanks sweetie.
Tell you one thing.
I bet I get a job before Jeff gets outta that coma.
Hey, how's it going? Well, uh, found the top, just lost the girl.
Bummer.
Yeah.
What are you doing up? Punishing Eric.
Knew all about Kelso and Laurie.
Didn't even tell me.
What a bastard.
Oh, like you didn't know.
Of course I knew.
Everybody knew.
You're the only one that didn't know.
Shut up Hyde, I'm mad at him.
Look, you don't rat on your friends.
That's just the way it is.
Now I'm laying traps left and right trying to get Kelso caught.
But I'm not gonna tell on him, cause then I'd be a rat.
And that's what Forman would've been if he had told you.
He still shoulda told me.
Give him a break, Donna.
I mean, the guy kisses your ass.
He does everything for you and you're not even sleeping with him.
Yeah, I guess that's true.
You're lucky he even talks to you! In fact, I would have dumped you months ago! But you know, I'm old fashioned, so Ok, Hyde, thanks for the heart to heart.
Ah, get bent.
Alright, well, I'm off to find the jugs that fit this top.
Like Cinderella.
Excuse me, miss? Yeah, who is it? It's me.
Hey, Jackie.
Laurie.
Fez.
Good evening Michael.
Well, aren't we all cozy.
So! Where am I gonna sleep? Uh, gee Kelso, I don't think there's any room.
But it's my van! I can sleep with you anytime! Tonight, I'm really enjoying girl talk with Laurie! And why does he get to stay? Well I am not a girl, but I do enjoy the girl talk.
Get outta the van, Fez! No, be nice to Fez! Go away, Michael.
Shut the door.
Hey! Move over.
You're not mad at me anymore? Nope.
So, what are you thinking? That Kelso's an idiot and if I say anything to Jackie, it'll hurt her.
Yes, exactly.
And you know what else? You're like, a really great boyfriend.
All right! Well, all right! Thank god I found you guys.
I'm freezing.
Scoot over.
What? Kelso! No! Wow, this is a roomy bag, huh? Sorry if I'm a little wet.
What the hell is that smell? Oh, I found these two dogs, and we started wrestling, man, it was so cool.
All right, goodnight.
No, Kelso, get out! Get out! - You smell like a dog! - That smell! Get out! Well where am I supposed to sleep? No one cares! Fine! Ok, this is nice!
Sounds stupid.
Have a good time.
Oh, then daddy, since Eric is going out of town, can I have his car? Why? Where are you going? Excuse me, I was talking to daddy.
I know.
Where are you going? Frat party.
Frat party? No.
But daddy Look, honey! It's up to Eric.
Really? Well, I mean I guess NO! Well that's settled, then.
Red, what are you gonna do today? Well, read the want ads, look for a job, then just to break up the day I thought I'd go down to Recksol, look for some Gold Bond for my athlete's foot.
Any more questions? Well, oh boy, Red, we've got the big hospital banquet to look foreward to.
Oh, right.
Well, then.
Screw the Gold Bond, I gotta get my hair done! Well honey, I don't think it's gonna be that bad.
And, if it is, I can always give you a shot of Demerol.
You have Demerol? I mean, what's, what's Demerol? So! Donna and I are all set for Vanstock.
Whoa! No-Donna can't come with us! Why not? Well, it's kinda complicated Hey, Kelso.
So what time are we leaving for Vanstock? No! Yeah.
No! Yeah! No! I guess you should have given me your car, Eric.
Now I'll be with you and Kelso all weekend.
How could you ask Laurie? Well, Jackie didn't wanna go.
What choice did I have? Aw, man.
See, now you see my problem.
Since Laurie's going, I'm gonna have to make out with her.
And if Donna goes she's gonna see me making out with Laurie and then tell Jackie! Therefore, Donna can't go! Or, you could just not make out with my sister.
Be serious, Eric.
Ok, look.
Donna's coming, and if that blows your weekend then, too bad.
Fine.
But you know what? You're making cheating a lot harder than it has to be.
Kitty and I used to watch the soaps all the time.
So now it's like you're Kitty.
Don't you have a TV at home? It's too big.
I have to turn my head to see who's talking.
It hurts my neck.
Ooh! Shh! Shh! It's starting.
Ok.
That's Heather.
She's carrying Jeff's baby only Jeff is in intensive care, he's got a bullet in his brain.
Isn't he the lucky bastard.
Donna, check it out.
I've been working on this all morning and I'm pretty proud.
I zipped our two sleeping bags together to make one.
Look, uh, throw your stuff in the back, I'm gonna go get some snacks for the road.
Ok.
Oh! Hi! Donna.
So, that's the carpet.
I was just showing Laurie the carpet.
I need some help with my stuff.
I'm gonna give her some help with her stuff.
Well, I hope you like tuna fish sandwiches, 'cause that's all we got.
I just saw Kelso and your sister making out in the van.
Oh, no, that's uh Did you know about this? Did I? Uh, no! No! I didn't know about this! Hey, Hyde! Dona just saw Kelso and Laurie making out! So? Aren't you shocked? I'm shocked! For one to have learned about this! Hey guys! I decided to go! I thought it'd be fun to surprise Michael.
That would be fun! Um, Jackie, look, you know, before we surprise Kelso, there's something going on that you should know.
What? You know, vanstock is gonna be really boring, and it's gonna be muddy, and you know there's a good chance there's gonna be some Canadians there.
Eeeew!!! No, no, Jackie, you should go.
You can't let the Canadians win! Fez, put my stuff in the back.
Hey, Jackie.
You know what would be the perfect surprise for Kelso? We'll pull the curtains, and you hide in the back with us.
And at some point, you jump up front and yell surprise! Oh my god, that is perfect! Now, hop in the van before Kelso sees you.
Hurry up! Oh, this may be the best road trip ever.
So, you wanna shift? It's an automatic.
I know.
Surprise! -- Brad.
How could you sleep with my wife? You're my brother.
--I'm not your brother.
And I'm not Brad.
Holy cow! I didn't see that coming.
Wait'll Rachel finds out! But Rachel's about to dump Brad for Jeff! No! Jeff's in a coma! Oh, come on, Midge.
She can't love a guy in a coma? What the hell kinda love is that? Look at this.
Jackie brings four different types of mascara just to please Kelso.
And what does Kelso bring? An other woman.
Fez, you should really stop going through other people's stuff.
It's kind of creepy.
So, how long do you think this whole thing has been going on? Whoo, I, you know, I don't know, that's anyone's guess.
Right, Fez? What? Kelso and Laurie! See, ha, Fez doesn't even know! I don't know, I gue-you know, it's just, it's like, god, this is so wrong, you know? So what are we gonna do? I guess just let this all blow over.
Then Jackie and Kelso can get married, have kids, and be really unhappy.
So! Let's not let this ruin our vanstock experience, ok? Look at this.
Bubble gum LipSmacker.
What a waste.
So, you kids having fun? Nothing like a road trip to get to know each other.
Yeah.
Right.
Like, Jackie and Laurie.
They don't really know each other, and yet, they have so much in common.
Like what? Oh! Well, you both have really neat hair.
He's right! I love your hair.
What do you use? Hot rollers.
So do I! I hate styling wands.
So do I! See? You two keep talking.
There may be plenty of other things that you have in common.
No! No talking.
It makes the driver nervous.
So just everybody not talk.
Ok.
Let's just sing songs.
Who knows the words to "Three's Company?" I do! No singing! Come and knock on our door Come and knock on our door! We've been waiting for you We've been waiting for you! Where the kisses are hers and hers and his three's company too! Wow, man, Vanstock! It's exactly how I pictured it! Has anyone seen my top? I lost my top! Actually, it's even better than I pictured it! Do not take the blue acid! If you have taken the blue acid, please report to the red cross tent! Look at this debauchery.
This is the smelly underside of a once great nation.
Ooh, yum! Candy apples! Hey, man! What'd you say we go help that chick find her top? Nah, gotta stay here with the old balls and chains.
You know, Kelso, did you ever think about being honest with them? Maybe they won't be mad? Maybe, they'll like the idea of sharing you! Man, that'd be great, huh? You think they'd go for that? Cause that's been, like-Oh ho no! You're trying to set my up, Hyde! You never know if you don't try, man! Are you serious? Be serious, 'cause this is serious.
This has been a dream of mine since I was a kid and saw "The Parent Trap.
" There you go! Ok! We're heading off to the restroom! Ok.
Oh, man, they're going to the restroom? You know what girls do in the restroom, right? Oh, I like to pretend like they don't do that.
Not that, man, they talk! So? To each other! Oh my god! Girls! Wait up! What a maroon.
Well, Red, this is Doctor Browning, and uh, Doctor Cloak.
So you're Kitty's husband, eh? She's a little spitfire! We couldn't run the ward without her.
Oh, well, you could, but everyone would die! Ah, so Red, uh, what do you do? About what? Um, uh, Red used to be in management at the auto parts plant.
Oh, that's great.
Uh, what do you do now? About what? Oh my gosh, Red look, they have an open bar! No, he's not his brother! He's not even Brad! But he looks just like him.
That's the point.
You know, I don't understand why you watch if you're not gonna pay attention! I'm sorry about Red.
He's just, he's been a tiny bit cranky since he lost his job.
Kitty, it's fine.
I know, everything's fine.
He just um, he, he sits around and he mopes all day.
He, he once told me that if he ever started watching soaps I should shoot him, and I gotta tell ya, I am gosh darn tempted! Well, you know, when my wife is upset, I do something extra special for her, like surprise her with some candy.
Does Red have a sweet tooth? Um, no, no, uh, more of a beer tooth.
Oh, for god sakes.
You're a nurse and you can't love a guy in a coma? What the hell kind of hospital is this? Wow, look at the stars.
Yeah.
Your sister's kind of a slut.
I noticed that.
How is it that she turned out so awful and you turned out so nice? Ah, well you see Ok, Donna, there's something you should know.
Oh my god, you're pregnant.
It's nice to laugh, isn't it.
'Cause, I kinda knew about Kelso and Laurie all along, and didn't tell you.
Excuse me? Which was wrong, but now I'm being honest, which is right, right? Get out of this bag.
No, wait, Donna, just, please listen- Fine, I'll get out.
Oh, this is the worst vanstock ever! And now, another episode of Point Place.
My god Kitty.
What have I become? I don't know.
You're not the man I married! And I'm not Kitty.
What are you saying? I am Kitty.
But I am leaving you for Dr.
Cloak.
Or should I say, Eric's real father.
But why? He has a job.
What do you have, Red Forman? What do you have? I've got nothing.
Dear god.
Will I ever work again? Ok! I'm back! So.
Penny for your thoughts.
Well, one thing I'm thinking.
I gotta stop watching the soaps.
Well, I think that is a good idea.
Ha! So listen, um, I brought you home a special little treat Ohhh! Ahh! Hey! That's a nice beer! Yes it is.
What's the occasion? It's um, to celebrate your new job.
But Kitty.
I didn't get a job.
Not yet, but I know you will! Thanks sweetie.
Tell you one thing.
I bet I get a job before Jeff gets outta that coma.
Hey, how's it going? Well, uh, found the top, just lost the girl.
Bummer.
Yeah.
What are you doing up? Punishing Eric.
Knew all about Kelso and Laurie.
Didn't even tell me.
What a bastard.
Oh, like you didn't know.
Of course I knew.
Everybody knew.
You're the only one that didn't know.
Shut up Hyde, I'm mad at him.
Look, you don't rat on your friends.
That's just the way it is.
Now I'm laying traps left and right trying to get Kelso caught.
But I'm not gonna tell on him, cause then I'd be a rat.
And that's what Forman would've been if he had told you.
He still shoulda told me.
Give him a break, Donna.
I mean, the guy kisses your ass.
He does everything for you and you're not even sleeping with him.
Yeah, I guess that's true.
You're lucky he even talks to you! In fact, I would have dumped you months ago! But you know, I'm old fashioned, so Ok, Hyde, thanks for the heart to heart.
Ah, get bent.
Alright, well, I'm off to find the jugs that fit this top.
Like Cinderella.
Excuse me, miss? Yeah, who is it? It's me.
Hey, Jackie.
Laurie.
Fez.
Good evening Michael.
Well, aren't we all cozy.
So! Where am I gonna sleep? Uh, gee Kelso, I don't think there's any room.
But it's my van! I can sleep with you anytime! Tonight, I'm really enjoying girl talk with Laurie! And why does he get to stay? Well I am not a girl, but I do enjoy the girl talk.
Get outta the van, Fez! No, be nice to Fez! Go away, Michael.
Shut the door.
Hey! Move over.
You're not mad at me anymore? Nope.
So, what are you thinking? That Kelso's an idiot and if I say anything to Jackie, it'll hurt her.
Yes, exactly.
And you know what else? You're like, a really great boyfriend.
All right! Well, all right! Thank god I found you guys.
I'm freezing.
Scoot over.
What? Kelso! No! Wow, this is a roomy bag, huh? Sorry if I'm a little wet.
What the hell is that smell? Oh, I found these two dogs, and we started wrestling, man, it was so cool.
All right, goodnight.
No, Kelso, get out! Get out! - You smell like a dog! - That smell! Get out! Well where am I supposed to sleep? No one cares! Fine! Ok, this is nice!