That Mitchell and Webb Look (2006) s02e06 Episode Script
Episode 6
which leads us to the unfortunate conclusion that this latest murder was also the work of the so-called Identity Killer.
Now Inspector Danvers will take your questions.
How can you be sure this is the Identity Killer's work? As with his previous victims, he's left at the crime scene details of his identity.
- So the killer has a calling card? - I suppose you could say that.
- What is it? - On this occasion, it was a calling card.
But on previous occasions he's been known to leave his birth certificate, the address of his MySpace page and on one occasion a series of unconnected numbers, next to the three letter word M-O-B.
So, we're looking into the possibility that there may be connections with organised crime.
So, what have we got? Nothing, all he's left this time is a passport-size photo and two recent utility bills.
Oh my God, sir.
Look at that.
I know, what a waste.
(Woman) Come and have a look at this, sarge.
It's still running, sir.
Shall we have a look at the tape? Oh, what, so we're sitting around looking at footage of Mr Eric Hale, Flat 2, Addington Buildings, Swindon, murdering a man, and meanwhile the Identity Killer could strike again.
No, at this point all we can do is wait for him to make a mistake.
Aaahhh! Morning, sir.
I don't think they're very well, Mum.
(Helicopter blades whir) It's the Helivets.
(# Rock music) # Airborne men with epaulettes # Here they come, the Helivets! # We're the Helivets! Where's the pet or pets in peril? - Who are the concerned owners? - We both are.
Don't worry, young lady and old lady.
We'll soon have your fish or fishes swimming under the tiny bridge again.
- They're dead.
- Wiggling in gravel.
- They're dead.
- Sucking at the mermaid.
- Look.
- We can help him.
We can't.
We're the Helivets.
# The Helivets! # Thanks for doing this, guys.
I'm really crazy about Jill.
- No problem.
We enjoy matchmaking.
- Don't you worry about a thing.
This whole evening has been set up to make you look good.
You'll shine.
- So who else is coming? - Well, there's Dave.
- Great.
No problems there.
- (Doorbell rings) That'll be Jill.
- Do I look OK? - Yeah, that shirt really suits you.
- Everyone, this is Jill.
- Hi.
Hi.
Oh, hello.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Well, let's sit down, shall we? - Is someone else joining us? - Just a scarecrow.
He's an old friend of Tara's.
He's upstairs.
He'll be down in a sec.
(Mouths) Come on, Scarecrow.
We're gonna start without you.
Sorry, I was just admiring your Kandinsky prints upstairs.
Oh, I love his work.
I was lucky enough to capture the retrospective in Barcelona.
- Stunning.
- Really? Oh, I'm Jill, by the way.
Hi, I'm Scarecrow.
What a fascinating name! Steve, can I have a word in the kitchen? Oh, yeah.
- What is it? - Who the hell is he? He's Scarecrow, Tara knows him.
Why did you invite him? He's charming the pants off her.
Go and compete.
He's just a scarecrow.
Yeah, but he's really smooth.
I think she likes him.
If you can't do better than a man with rats living in his torso, then there's no hope for you with any woman.
- Yeah, all right.
You're right.
- OK.
Oh, there's something stuck in my jacket.
(Gasps) Ooh! - More wine, Jill? - Yeah, thanks.
Oh, yeah, thanks.
Um You know, I used to be really scared of birds.
Oh, don't worry, I'll look after you.
Ooh.
My hero.
So er Scarecrow.
Tell me, how much does scaring crows pay? I only ask cos I'm a senior marketing executive and I'm on about 70K.
I just wondered how scarecrowing compares.
Oh, how can you put a price on the view of the valley? Or the soft morning breezes? And watching the gentle rains sweeping across the landscape as tender corn heads brush sensuously at your side.
And the nights, O nights of countless stars, when your soul just ascends.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard.
What were you thinking? I'm getting whipped.
Stop wasting time and get in the game.
Look, Jill likes skiing.
So when you get the chance, use that as an opening.
All right.
There are two types of scarecrow.
There are the ordinary scarecrows and then there's the enchanted kind, like me.
(Whispers) He's enchanted! That's fascinating.
So what's the difference? An enchanted scarecrow can walk and talk You do that thing with the moon and the poetry.
Come on, don't make me do that.
- What thing? - It's nothing.
- Do you ski at all, Jill? - No, thanks, I'm fine.
What's this you do? I'm fascinated.
Oh, go on.
Do it, Scarecrow.
Oh, all right.
This is from my book, "The Night-watchman".
You're a published poet? It's only a slim volume.
- And do the moon thing too.
- OK, OK.
"Sister moon, shine down your gentle benevolence upon us.
" Oh, that's amazing.
How did you do that? - Enchanted.
- Well, all I can say is me too.
"And as the sun rose on the clean new day, "none knew the night-watchman had passed this way.
" That's just beautiful.
I wish I could see the valley at night.
Well, it's only half an hour away.
We could all go now.
I've got my BMW outside.
No, thanks.
I think I might just get an early night.
I'll er grab my bag.
(Giggles) Thanks so much for setting this up, guys.
- I've fancied her for ages.
- No problems.
Great choice with the other guy.
What a tosser.
Come on, Scarecrow.
Let's go.
- Go on, don't keep the lady waiting.
- Thanks again.
- Cheers, Dave.
- Oh, right.
See you later, Scarecrow.
So let's go through it one last time.
All we've got is a name, an address an occupation, a phone number, a modus operandi, motive, opportunity, a confession and him in the room.
Hi.
So, I ask you all.
Where the hell do we go from here? You could try arresting him, boss.
- Or is that just what he wants us to do? - No, it isn't.
Or is that just what he wants us to think? Look, I'm just gonna go.
He's always that one step ahead of us.
And then on the Wednesday, Dan, it's the bath scene, Dan.
Now, we've talked about this.
- You're fine with the nudity, aren't you? - Absolutely.
Yeah.
I mean, people don't have baths with their pants on, right? Mmm.
Exactly.
We'll be asking you to take your pants off while I'm there.
Fine.
I think it's important to the realism of the film.
Yeah.
Realism, yeah.
And it'll be a closed set, won't it? I mean, you know, I don't really want too many people hanging around while I'm you know.
While you're taking off all your clothes, to be filmed.
- Yeah.
- Leave that to me, Dan.
It will just be like me and the cameraman.
It will be like that, yes.
You and the cameramen.
And me, of course.
Well, can't do a scene without the director.
Not this scene.
And the sound man and four or five electricians to make sure you're lit nicely and the continuity lady and the make-up lady and her assistant and the work experience girl.
- Right.
But basically - But no need for costume department! Because you won't have a costume on! You'll be bare.
Right, no, of course.
They won't be there.
Yeah.
So basically you'll be on your own.
I mean, obviously the props people and the designer need to be there.
But I think that's the day the producer's bringing his wife and three daughters.
But Right, but I mean it'll all be shot tastefully, won't it? Obviously I'll be naked, but you won't actually see my penis.
I'll see your penis, Dan.
I'll see it loads.
Yeah, sure, but, I mean, you won't actually be filming my penis.
Well, there are no guarantees in this business, Dan, but There's one thing I can say.
It's that I'll try and avoid being very unsurprised if your penis doesn't not get filmed and put on release up and down the land.
Oh.
Well, that's a relief.
three life sentences.
A spokesman said, "You think you know a guy "and then he goes and does something like that.
" Foreign news now.
At a special session of the United Nations, it was agreed that the war on terror is, in the words of a new resolution, "just too difficult".
The Security Council has agreed to launch a war on the comedian and ornithologist Bill Oddie, as a way of bringing the nations of the world together in a more achievable common cause.
Matt Long has this.
It took over six hours but they came up with a name that suited all parties.
We must join together in the face of this new menace.
There can be no peace in the world until Bill Oddie is hunted down and completely destroyed.
It's a challenging new world that we live in and it had become increasingly clear that the need to confront Bill Oddie had been growing.
Um It was only a matter of years before he developed a nuclear capacity, probably.
For all we know, he already had a dirty bomb and he meant to use it, on the tube tomorrow, for all we know.
That's why every army and intelligence agency is gonna be out looking for him.
- Has he been notified? - He has been notified.
- And how did he react? - How do you think? I'd say he's pretty much crapped himself.
But we're gonna be giving him 48 hours head start to make it interesting.
And be in no doubt.
We are gonna take him down.
We're gonna take him down hard.
And he needn't think he's gonna get away with it this time.
What if he seeks refuge with Jihadi terrorists in Iraq or Pakistan? Oh, God.
He won't do that, will he? Is it true you're not wearing any underpants, Dan? - Yes.
- Blimey! - How's the rest of the filming going? - The rest of Oh, fine, Dan.
We're all pleased with all the rest of the filming.
Hope this bath isn't too cold.
Well, that's what I meant to talk to you about, Dan.
We thought that rather than your character getting into a bath, what would be better is that if your character was still naked but instead of getting into a bath, getting tied to the wheel of doom, which is then revolved.
- Why the change? - It was more visually interesting.
Yes.
Yes, I suppose it is.
Um And who are these people? Just some random people.
Right.
We're a little bit pushed for time, so if you could slip out of your dressing gown and get yourself tied to the wheel of doom, we'll start filming.
Oh.
OK.
Um Gavin, you are just filming me from here up, yeah? Absolutely, Dan.
Don't you worry.
Oh, OK.
# Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you # Happy birthday dear Horse # Happy birthday to you # (Squeals) Nothing! Anyway, happy birthday, Horse.
Er Carrot cake? Sorry, I thought you'd like it.
Well, at least blow out the candles.
No? Right.
Course not.
Too much like hard work.
Fine, I'll do it.
You see? They're trick candles.
You can't blow them out.
Would have been more fun if you'd had a go but still.
Never mind.
Speech! Speech! Speech, speech! Speech! Speech.
Speech.
Speech! Speech! Speech! Right, forget it! Forget it! We are finished! We're through! This is it, Horse! No more pissing around! I'm trying to make some kind of gesture and you just stand there.
Well, that's it! It was my birthday last week.
Thanks for remembering! - Hi, Ray.
- Morning, Colin.
Before you say another word, I've noticed all the football stuff.
Oh, right, yeah, of course.
You're a Spurs fan, aren't you? My family are.
I'm not really into football, as I said last time you suddenly remembered you were a Liverpool fan they'd won the European Cup.
Spurs, eh? I'm gonna let you off after what we did you to last week.
I'm sorry? I'll forget you're a Spurs fan after what we did.
What you did to me? You didn't do anything to me.
We're a man down, you fluke a penalty but we wallop you in extra time.
That 92nd minute, mate.
You had it coming.
Perhaps you've mistaken me for a professional goalkeeper.
I wasn't actually on the pitch.
- We're gonna trolley you in the league.
- We? You weren't on the pitch either.
You were probably in the back bar of the Red Lion watching the game on the TV with your mother.
God, she can drink these days.
The way we're playing, we're gonna be unstoppable this season.
For God's sake, shut up! You don't stand a chance.
We're gonna go all the way.
Can I ask you a question, Colin? Do you remember chasing the Germans and we were punched through the windscreen, fell under that lorry but climbed back on and beat the driver up? - What? - When we were chasing the Nazis.
They'd stolen the Ark of the Covenant and we were trying to get it back.
- You've lost me.
- In "Raiders of the Lost Ark".
It's a film I like so I've decided that myself and anyone else who likes it was actually in it, taking part.
Do you like "Raiders of the Lost Ark"? - Not particularly.
- Oh, you're not one of us.
Right, well, at the end, we're tied to a stake stuck in the ground.
You open up the Ark of the Covenant and the wrath of God melts your face.
No, you can't do that.
Yes, I can.
I really like that film so I'm in it.
- That's not the same.
- It's exactly the same.
I've as much claim to be involved in "Raiders of the Lost Ark" as you've got to be in whatever it was your football team did.
You don't understand football.
I'll admit I don't quite follow how you, a man who lives over 200 miles away from the ground of your chosen team, can claim some deep attachment to a bunch of overpaid hired hands from all four corners of the globe who temporarily wear the same shirt as you're wearing, but then maybe I'm a bit slow.
It must be brain damage from all the boxing I did in "Raging Bull".
- How much is this, mate? - That's a fiver, mate.
- £5.
- It's the Holy Grail.
Take it or leave it.
Sorry.
Did you say this was the Holy Grail? Yes, mate, Holy Grail.
Cup of Christ, fiver.
All right, sweetheart? My Little Pony, 50p.
- This is the Holy Grail? - Yes, mate.
Cup from the Last Supper.
Drink and become immortal.
I've got a box.
Fiver.
Right, and that works, does it? Oh, yeah, yeah.
I'm immortal.
Yeah, it's great.
If you're depressive, it's not such a good idea but if you love life, it's wicked.
All the videos are 50p, mate.
- Can I see it working? - What? I bought a stereo over there last week and that didn't work so Honestly, there's no trust any more, is there? - I don't feel any different.
- (Sighs) Excuse me, mate.
Brilliant.
- Will you take four? - Go on, then.
Hang on.
I'm immortal anyway, now.
I don't need it.
- No, mate.
That'll wear off.
- Immortality that wears off? We all have immortality that wears off.
That's just mortality.
Actually, that's a good point.
I think I'll keep it.
That bayonet's 20 quid unless you want me to pull it out.
Cheers.
Thanks, Kate.
- It's a bit whacky, isn't it? - It's meant to be.
For the "man with the wig" sketch.
- I've got this one underneath.
- Oh, right.
- Have I got to wear a bald cap as well? - Afraid so.
Kate, can I have a quick word? - Are you gonna let her do it? - Don't know what you mean.
You do know what I mean.
She's gonna put a wig over a wig, over a bald cap, over your wig.
- Sshh! Shut up! - You're gonna be eight feet tall.
- Rob - Thank God the character isn't a judge.
- Rob - Just tell her about your wig, David.
She'll understand.
Rob, there was a very clearly defined window of opportunity for telling her, and it was the first day of shooting on the first series.
As you know, I did not take that opportunity and now after two series of letting her put wigs over my wig, that horse has considerably bolted.
You don't think she knows? She's a professional make-up artist.
She spent eight weeks working with your hair.
She'll know.
I think she probably does.
The crew probably knows and they probably laugh about me constantly behind my back, which means that the only achievable goal that I have left is to keep that laughter behind my back and stop it from spilling over in front of my face which is what you're saying her plan would achieve.
- So just drop it, all right? - All right.
Sorry I spoke.
Rob, give that back now! Come and get it! Come and get it! I just thought I'd pop it on myself.
Easier than you think, isn't it? Hello, and you're watching Numberwang Night here on BBC Two.
Coming up in an hour, "Wangs For The Memory", where we'll discuss how Numberwang has been used to combat dementia.
But first, a history of Numberwang.
I'm standing on hallowed ground.
This is the famous Numberwang basement at the BBC.
In that corner was the great Alan Turing's desk where he sat for many months after the Second World War tragically trying to de-gay himself with a laser.
In more tolerant times, it was just over there in the late 1960s where David Frost reputedly had sex with a number 11 on a mattress.
He swears to this day that it was 16.
And of course as you all know, this is the home of Colosson, the Numberwang computer which calculates whether or not it is Numberwang.
(Robot voice) That's Numberwang.
- 8 minus 4.
- That's Numberwang.
Simon? - 109 times 17.
- That's Numberwang.
Julie? - 47.
- That's the Numberwang bonus! (Basinger) 'Today Numberwang is a vast global franchise 'like McDonald's, U2 and the Catholic church all rolled into one.
'Who'd guess it came from the relatively humble beginnings of not yet existing? 'AII that changed in 1936 here at Cambridge University, 'where philosopher and logician Bertrand Russell 'was contemplating the mysteries of existence.
' (Russell) 'I'd spent the morning proving to myself my chair existed 'so that I could sit down, when it suddenly struck me.
' How do we really know whether it is or it is not Numberwang? On my desk I saw a jug and in a flash of inspiration I knew I had solved it.
Smashing the jug lest anyone copy my work, I went across to the rooms of my very good friend Wittgenstein.
I opened the door and I said to him, quite simply "That's Numberwang.
" As I remember, he cried.
'After the publication of Russell's 'it was quickly optioned by the BBC and turned into a game show.
' Good evening and welcome to a new piece of endlessness we're calling "Numberwang".
(Basinger) 'However, due to the incredible complexity 'of the mathematics involved, it proved impractical.
' - Miss Julie? - Seven.
We'll just have to check that with the boffins.
- Was that Numberwang? - It'll take a few hours.
Well, in the meantime, some music.
(Hums "God Save The Queen") 'Fortunately, the war intervened, 'and at Bletchley Park a tremendous discovery was invented 'and simultaneously a tremendous invention discovered.
' It's now or never.
Run the sequence.
Right-o.
(Bell chimes) That's Numberwang! Good God.
It actually works.
It actually bloody works, you genius.
You don't suppose we could use this machine for anything else? - Like what? - I don't know.
Um Something to help with the war? And so Colosson was born.
After the war Colosson's creators supervised the fitting of head, arms, legs and laser cannons in order to transport it to the BBC where in 1949 "Numberwang" returned triumphantly to our screens.
Ah.
Hello, hello.
Welcome to "Numberwang" with me, Robert Robinson, and the first commercial Numberwang-solving computer, Colosson.
I am Colosson! Indeed you are! Round one.
- Miss Julie to play first.
- Seven.
- Could it be Numberwang, Colosson? - No.
Aah.
Would that it were Numberwang.
Alas, it is not.
Mr Simon? (Basinger) "'Numberwang" became the most popular game in Britain 'and newspapers got in on the act by publishing daily puzzles for the readers.
' - That was a tough one today.
- Yes, tricky.
- That's Numberwang! - Oh, damn it, Reg always gets it first.
'Numberwang continued to grow in popularity despite a period in the 1960s 'when Colosson attempted to take over the world.
' Round two, fish numbers.
- Julie? - Eel-leven.
Let's ask Colosson.
Where's he gone? Oh my God! Colosson's loose! I am Colosson! I am Numberwang! The world is Numberwang! Therefore I am the world.
You must all die.
Luckily, Colosson's designers had foreseen this eventuality and built in a failsafe whereby Colosson would shut down if he was shown a picture of a chicken.
I am Colosson, I am Numberwang, the world is Numberwang.
(Voice fades) And so with Colosson back under control, Numberwang established itself as the best programme ever made and spawned numerous versions across the globe in countries like Australia, such as New Zealand - (Kiwi accent) It's Numberwang! - Australia itself Ha ha ha! Oh, mate, that's Numberwang! And even America.
Yes, that is a number! Which is why today, wherever you go in the world, you will always hear people say Take it away, Colosson.
Oh, my God! Colosson's escaped! He's loose! The picture of a chicken! Oh, my God! Where is it? Where is it? You are not Numberwang.
You must die.
Television is not Numberwang.
Television must die.
Now Inspector Danvers will take your questions.
How can you be sure this is the Identity Killer's work? As with his previous victims, he's left at the crime scene details of his identity.
- So the killer has a calling card? - I suppose you could say that.
- What is it? - On this occasion, it was a calling card.
But on previous occasions he's been known to leave his birth certificate, the address of his MySpace page and on one occasion a series of unconnected numbers, next to the three letter word M-O-B.
So, we're looking into the possibility that there may be connections with organised crime.
So, what have we got? Nothing, all he's left this time is a passport-size photo and two recent utility bills.
Oh my God, sir.
Look at that.
I know, what a waste.
(Woman) Come and have a look at this, sarge.
It's still running, sir.
Shall we have a look at the tape? Oh, what, so we're sitting around looking at footage of Mr Eric Hale, Flat 2, Addington Buildings, Swindon, murdering a man, and meanwhile the Identity Killer could strike again.
No, at this point all we can do is wait for him to make a mistake.
Aaahhh! Morning, sir.
I don't think they're very well, Mum.
(Helicopter blades whir) It's the Helivets.
(# Rock music) # Airborne men with epaulettes # Here they come, the Helivets! # We're the Helivets! Where's the pet or pets in peril? - Who are the concerned owners? - We both are.
Don't worry, young lady and old lady.
We'll soon have your fish or fishes swimming under the tiny bridge again.
- They're dead.
- Wiggling in gravel.
- They're dead.
- Sucking at the mermaid.
- Look.
- We can help him.
We can't.
We're the Helivets.
# The Helivets! # Thanks for doing this, guys.
I'm really crazy about Jill.
- No problem.
We enjoy matchmaking.
- Don't you worry about a thing.
This whole evening has been set up to make you look good.
You'll shine.
- So who else is coming? - Well, there's Dave.
- Great.
No problems there.
- (Doorbell rings) That'll be Jill.
- Do I look OK? - Yeah, that shirt really suits you.
- Everyone, this is Jill.
- Hi.
Hi.
Oh, hello.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Well, let's sit down, shall we? - Is someone else joining us? - Just a scarecrow.
He's an old friend of Tara's.
He's upstairs.
He'll be down in a sec.
(Mouths) Come on, Scarecrow.
We're gonna start without you.
Sorry, I was just admiring your Kandinsky prints upstairs.
Oh, I love his work.
I was lucky enough to capture the retrospective in Barcelona.
- Stunning.
- Really? Oh, I'm Jill, by the way.
Hi, I'm Scarecrow.
What a fascinating name! Steve, can I have a word in the kitchen? Oh, yeah.
- What is it? - Who the hell is he? He's Scarecrow, Tara knows him.
Why did you invite him? He's charming the pants off her.
Go and compete.
He's just a scarecrow.
Yeah, but he's really smooth.
I think she likes him.
If you can't do better than a man with rats living in his torso, then there's no hope for you with any woman.
- Yeah, all right.
You're right.
- OK.
Oh, there's something stuck in my jacket.
(Gasps) Ooh! - More wine, Jill? - Yeah, thanks.
Oh, yeah, thanks.
Um You know, I used to be really scared of birds.
Oh, don't worry, I'll look after you.
Ooh.
My hero.
So er Scarecrow.
Tell me, how much does scaring crows pay? I only ask cos I'm a senior marketing executive and I'm on about 70K.
I just wondered how scarecrowing compares.
Oh, how can you put a price on the view of the valley? Or the soft morning breezes? And watching the gentle rains sweeping across the landscape as tender corn heads brush sensuously at your side.
And the nights, O nights of countless stars, when your soul just ascends.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard.
What were you thinking? I'm getting whipped.
Stop wasting time and get in the game.
Look, Jill likes skiing.
So when you get the chance, use that as an opening.
All right.
There are two types of scarecrow.
There are the ordinary scarecrows and then there's the enchanted kind, like me.
(Whispers) He's enchanted! That's fascinating.
So what's the difference? An enchanted scarecrow can walk and talk You do that thing with the moon and the poetry.
Come on, don't make me do that.
- What thing? - It's nothing.
- Do you ski at all, Jill? - No, thanks, I'm fine.
What's this you do? I'm fascinated.
Oh, go on.
Do it, Scarecrow.
Oh, all right.
This is from my book, "The Night-watchman".
You're a published poet? It's only a slim volume.
- And do the moon thing too.
- OK, OK.
"Sister moon, shine down your gentle benevolence upon us.
" Oh, that's amazing.
How did you do that? - Enchanted.
- Well, all I can say is me too.
"And as the sun rose on the clean new day, "none knew the night-watchman had passed this way.
" That's just beautiful.
I wish I could see the valley at night.
Well, it's only half an hour away.
We could all go now.
I've got my BMW outside.
No, thanks.
I think I might just get an early night.
I'll er grab my bag.
(Giggles) Thanks so much for setting this up, guys.
- I've fancied her for ages.
- No problems.
Great choice with the other guy.
What a tosser.
Come on, Scarecrow.
Let's go.
- Go on, don't keep the lady waiting.
- Thanks again.
- Cheers, Dave.
- Oh, right.
See you later, Scarecrow.
So let's go through it one last time.
All we've got is a name, an address an occupation, a phone number, a modus operandi, motive, opportunity, a confession and him in the room.
Hi.
So, I ask you all.
Where the hell do we go from here? You could try arresting him, boss.
- Or is that just what he wants us to do? - No, it isn't.
Or is that just what he wants us to think? Look, I'm just gonna go.
He's always that one step ahead of us.
And then on the Wednesday, Dan, it's the bath scene, Dan.
Now, we've talked about this.
- You're fine with the nudity, aren't you? - Absolutely.
Yeah.
I mean, people don't have baths with their pants on, right? Mmm.
Exactly.
We'll be asking you to take your pants off while I'm there.
Fine.
I think it's important to the realism of the film.
Yeah.
Realism, yeah.
And it'll be a closed set, won't it? I mean, you know, I don't really want too many people hanging around while I'm you know.
While you're taking off all your clothes, to be filmed.
- Yeah.
- Leave that to me, Dan.
It will just be like me and the cameraman.
It will be like that, yes.
You and the cameramen.
And me, of course.
Well, can't do a scene without the director.
Not this scene.
And the sound man and four or five electricians to make sure you're lit nicely and the continuity lady and the make-up lady and her assistant and the work experience girl.
- Right.
But basically - But no need for costume department! Because you won't have a costume on! You'll be bare.
Right, no, of course.
They won't be there.
Yeah.
So basically you'll be on your own.
I mean, obviously the props people and the designer need to be there.
But I think that's the day the producer's bringing his wife and three daughters.
But Right, but I mean it'll all be shot tastefully, won't it? Obviously I'll be naked, but you won't actually see my penis.
I'll see your penis, Dan.
I'll see it loads.
Yeah, sure, but, I mean, you won't actually be filming my penis.
Well, there are no guarantees in this business, Dan, but There's one thing I can say.
It's that I'll try and avoid being very unsurprised if your penis doesn't not get filmed and put on release up and down the land.
Oh.
Well, that's a relief.
three life sentences.
A spokesman said, "You think you know a guy "and then he goes and does something like that.
" Foreign news now.
At a special session of the United Nations, it was agreed that the war on terror is, in the words of a new resolution, "just too difficult".
The Security Council has agreed to launch a war on the comedian and ornithologist Bill Oddie, as a way of bringing the nations of the world together in a more achievable common cause.
Matt Long has this.
It took over six hours but they came up with a name that suited all parties.
We must join together in the face of this new menace.
There can be no peace in the world until Bill Oddie is hunted down and completely destroyed.
It's a challenging new world that we live in and it had become increasingly clear that the need to confront Bill Oddie had been growing.
Um It was only a matter of years before he developed a nuclear capacity, probably.
For all we know, he already had a dirty bomb and he meant to use it, on the tube tomorrow, for all we know.
That's why every army and intelligence agency is gonna be out looking for him.
- Has he been notified? - He has been notified.
- And how did he react? - How do you think? I'd say he's pretty much crapped himself.
But we're gonna be giving him 48 hours head start to make it interesting.
And be in no doubt.
We are gonna take him down.
We're gonna take him down hard.
And he needn't think he's gonna get away with it this time.
What if he seeks refuge with Jihadi terrorists in Iraq or Pakistan? Oh, God.
He won't do that, will he? Is it true you're not wearing any underpants, Dan? - Yes.
- Blimey! - How's the rest of the filming going? - The rest of Oh, fine, Dan.
We're all pleased with all the rest of the filming.
Hope this bath isn't too cold.
Well, that's what I meant to talk to you about, Dan.
We thought that rather than your character getting into a bath, what would be better is that if your character was still naked but instead of getting into a bath, getting tied to the wheel of doom, which is then revolved.
- Why the change? - It was more visually interesting.
Yes.
Yes, I suppose it is.
Um And who are these people? Just some random people.
Right.
We're a little bit pushed for time, so if you could slip out of your dressing gown and get yourself tied to the wheel of doom, we'll start filming.
Oh.
OK.
Um Gavin, you are just filming me from here up, yeah? Absolutely, Dan.
Don't you worry.
Oh, OK.
# Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you # Happy birthday dear Horse # Happy birthday to you # (Squeals) Nothing! Anyway, happy birthday, Horse.
Er Carrot cake? Sorry, I thought you'd like it.
Well, at least blow out the candles.
No? Right.
Course not.
Too much like hard work.
Fine, I'll do it.
You see? They're trick candles.
You can't blow them out.
Would have been more fun if you'd had a go but still.
Never mind.
Speech! Speech! Speech, speech! Speech! Speech.
Speech.
Speech! Speech! Speech! Right, forget it! Forget it! We are finished! We're through! This is it, Horse! No more pissing around! I'm trying to make some kind of gesture and you just stand there.
Well, that's it! It was my birthday last week.
Thanks for remembering! - Hi, Ray.
- Morning, Colin.
Before you say another word, I've noticed all the football stuff.
Oh, right, yeah, of course.
You're a Spurs fan, aren't you? My family are.
I'm not really into football, as I said last time you suddenly remembered you were a Liverpool fan they'd won the European Cup.
Spurs, eh? I'm gonna let you off after what we did you to last week.
I'm sorry? I'll forget you're a Spurs fan after what we did.
What you did to me? You didn't do anything to me.
We're a man down, you fluke a penalty but we wallop you in extra time.
That 92nd minute, mate.
You had it coming.
Perhaps you've mistaken me for a professional goalkeeper.
I wasn't actually on the pitch.
- We're gonna trolley you in the league.
- We? You weren't on the pitch either.
You were probably in the back bar of the Red Lion watching the game on the TV with your mother.
God, she can drink these days.
The way we're playing, we're gonna be unstoppable this season.
For God's sake, shut up! You don't stand a chance.
We're gonna go all the way.
Can I ask you a question, Colin? Do you remember chasing the Germans and we were punched through the windscreen, fell under that lorry but climbed back on and beat the driver up? - What? - When we were chasing the Nazis.
They'd stolen the Ark of the Covenant and we were trying to get it back.
- You've lost me.
- In "Raiders of the Lost Ark".
It's a film I like so I've decided that myself and anyone else who likes it was actually in it, taking part.
Do you like "Raiders of the Lost Ark"? - Not particularly.
- Oh, you're not one of us.
Right, well, at the end, we're tied to a stake stuck in the ground.
You open up the Ark of the Covenant and the wrath of God melts your face.
No, you can't do that.
Yes, I can.
I really like that film so I'm in it.
- That's not the same.
- It's exactly the same.
I've as much claim to be involved in "Raiders of the Lost Ark" as you've got to be in whatever it was your football team did.
You don't understand football.
I'll admit I don't quite follow how you, a man who lives over 200 miles away from the ground of your chosen team, can claim some deep attachment to a bunch of overpaid hired hands from all four corners of the globe who temporarily wear the same shirt as you're wearing, but then maybe I'm a bit slow.
It must be brain damage from all the boxing I did in "Raging Bull".
- How much is this, mate? - That's a fiver, mate.
- £5.
- It's the Holy Grail.
Take it or leave it.
Sorry.
Did you say this was the Holy Grail? Yes, mate, Holy Grail.
Cup of Christ, fiver.
All right, sweetheart? My Little Pony, 50p.
- This is the Holy Grail? - Yes, mate.
Cup from the Last Supper.
Drink and become immortal.
I've got a box.
Fiver.
Right, and that works, does it? Oh, yeah, yeah.
I'm immortal.
Yeah, it's great.
If you're depressive, it's not such a good idea but if you love life, it's wicked.
All the videos are 50p, mate.
- Can I see it working? - What? I bought a stereo over there last week and that didn't work so Honestly, there's no trust any more, is there? - I don't feel any different.
- (Sighs) Excuse me, mate.
Brilliant.
- Will you take four? - Go on, then.
Hang on.
I'm immortal anyway, now.
I don't need it.
- No, mate.
That'll wear off.
- Immortality that wears off? We all have immortality that wears off.
That's just mortality.
Actually, that's a good point.
I think I'll keep it.
That bayonet's 20 quid unless you want me to pull it out.
Cheers.
Thanks, Kate.
- It's a bit whacky, isn't it? - It's meant to be.
For the "man with the wig" sketch.
- I've got this one underneath.
- Oh, right.
- Have I got to wear a bald cap as well? - Afraid so.
Kate, can I have a quick word? - Are you gonna let her do it? - Don't know what you mean.
You do know what I mean.
She's gonna put a wig over a wig, over a bald cap, over your wig.
- Sshh! Shut up! - You're gonna be eight feet tall.
- Rob - Thank God the character isn't a judge.
- Rob - Just tell her about your wig, David.
She'll understand.
Rob, there was a very clearly defined window of opportunity for telling her, and it was the first day of shooting on the first series.
As you know, I did not take that opportunity and now after two series of letting her put wigs over my wig, that horse has considerably bolted.
You don't think she knows? She's a professional make-up artist.
She spent eight weeks working with your hair.
She'll know.
I think she probably does.
The crew probably knows and they probably laugh about me constantly behind my back, which means that the only achievable goal that I have left is to keep that laughter behind my back and stop it from spilling over in front of my face which is what you're saying her plan would achieve.
- So just drop it, all right? - All right.
Sorry I spoke.
Rob, give that back now! Come and get it! Come and get it! I just thought I'd pop it on myself.
Easier than you think, isn't it? Hello, and you're watching Numberwang Night here on BBC Two.
Coming up in an hour, "Wangs For The Memory", where we'll discuss how Numberwang has been used to combat dementia.
But first, a history of Numberwang.
I'm standing on hallowed ground.
This is the famous Numberwang basement at the BBC.
In that corner was the great Alan Turing's desk where he sat for many months after the Second World War tragically trying to de-gay himself with a laser.
In more tolerant times, it was just over there in the late 1960s where David Frost reputedly had sex with a number 11 on a mattress.
He swears to this day that it was 16.
And of course as you all know, this is the home of Colosson, the Numberwang computer which calculates whether or not it is Numberwang.
(Robot voice) That's Numberwang.
- 8 minus 4.
- That's Numberwang.
Simon? - 109 times 17.
- That's Numberwang.
Julie? - 47.
- That's the Numberwang bonus! (Basinger) 'Today Numberwang is a vast global franchise 'like McDonald's, U2 and the Catholic church all rolled into one.
'Who'd guess it came from the relatively humble beginnings of not yet existing? 'AII that changed in 1936 here at Cambridge University, 'where philosopher and logician Bertrand Russell 'was contemplating the mysteries of existence.
' (Russell) 'I'd spent the morning proving to myself my chair existed 'so that I could sit down, when it suddenly struck me.
' How do we really know whether it is or it is not Numberwang? On my desk I saw a jug and in a flash of inspiration I knew I had solved it.
Smashing the jug lest anyone copy my work, I went across to the rooms of my very good friend Wittgenstein.
I opened the door and I said to him, quite simply "That's Numberwang.
" As I remember, he cried.
'After the publication of Russell's 'it was quickly optioned by the BBC and turned into a game show.
' Good evening and welcome to a new piece of endlessness we're calling "Numberwang".
(Basinger) 'However, due to the incredible complexity 'of the mathematics involved, it proved impractical.
' - Miss Julie? - Seven.
We'll just have to check that with the boffins.
- Was that Numberwang? - It'll take a few hours.
Well, in the meantime, some music.
(Hums "God Save The Queen") 'Fortunately, the war intervened, 'and at Bletchley Park a tremendous discovery was invented 'and simultaneously a tremendous invention discovered.
' It's now or never.
Run the sequence.
Right-o.
(Bell chimes) That's Numberwang! Good God.
It actually works.
It actually bloody works, you genius.
You don't suppose we could use this machine for anything else? - Like what? - I don't know.
Um Something to help with the war? And so Colosson was born.
After the war Colosson's creators supervised the fitting of head, arms, legs and laser cannons in order to transport it to the BBC where in 1949 "Numberwang" returned triumphantly to our screens.
Ah.
Hello, hello.
Welcome to "Numberwang" with me, Robert Robinson, and the first commercial Numberwang-solving computer, Colosson.
I am Colosson! Indeed you are! Round one.
- Miss Julie to play first.
- Seven.
- Could it be Numberwang, Colosson? - No.
Aah.
Would that it were Numberwang.
Alas, it is not.
Mr Simon? (Basinger) "'Numberwang" became the most popular game in Britain 'and newspapers got in on the act by publishing daily puzzles for the readers.
' - That was a tough one today.
- Yes, tricky.
- That's Numberwang! - Oh, damn it, Reg always gets it first.
'Numberwang continued to grow in popularity despite a period in the 1960s 'when Colosson attempted to take over the world.
' Round two, fish numbers.
- Julie? - Eel-leven.
Let's ask Colosson.
Where's he gone? Oh my God! Colosson's loose! I am Colosson! I am Numberwang! The world is Numberwang! Therefore I am the world.
You must all die.
Luckily, Colosson's designers had foreseen this eventuality and built in a failsafe whereby Colosson would shut down if he was shown a picture of a chicken.
I am Colosson, I am Numberwang, the world is Numberwang.
(Voice fades) And so with Colosson back under control, Numberwang established itself as the best programme ever made and spawned numerous versions across the globe in countries like Australia, such as New Zealand - (Kiwi accent) It's Numberwang! - Australia itself Ha ha ha! Oh, mate, that's Numberwang! And even America.
Yes, that is a number! Which is why today, wherever you go in the world, you will always hear people say Take it away, Colosson.
Oh, my God! Colosson's escaped! He's loose! The picture of a chicken! Oh, my God! Where is it? Where is it? You are not Numberwang.
You must die.
Television is not Numberwang.
Television must die.