The Carmichael Show (2015) s02e06 Episode Script

1 The Carmichael Show is taped in front of a live studio audience.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Are y'all at that age where you just stare out the window now? We trying to get our first look at the new neighbors.
This is what you used to do, Jerrod, before you got that Internet.
Yeah, we saw that moving truck across the street.
You guys have any idea who they are? Anybody would be better than Ilene.
That woman lived across the street 25 years, and I didn't even know her last name.
She was a terrible person, just terrible.
God rest her soul.
I loved Ilene.
She was mean, but self-sufficient.
She never asked me for nothing.
I remember one time she fell in the walkway, and I asked her did she need help, she flipped me the bird, then she army-crawled all the way to the front door.
Now that's what I call a good neighbor.
Mm-hmm.
You know, growing up, I spent more time at the neighbor's than my own house.
My parents were always fighting.
It was too loud to even do my homework.
Even to go home some nights.
(chuckles) Jerrod hated homework, too.
Ma, I think you completely missed the point of that story.
Ah! They're coming out! Whoa.
Hey, Maxine, come.
Let's stare out the window with the old people.
Let's watch as life literally passes us by.
I hope they're not like Maxine's parents, loud and fighting all the time.
Oh, so she did hear that part of the story.
JOE: Okay, it's a couple.
A man and a woman you got to be clear these days.
A young Muslim couple.
Muslim, yes, Muslim.
They're Muslims.
Uh-huh, with the head thing and everything.
Mm-hmm, of all the things they could be, they (chuckles): they're Muslims.
This should be very interesting.
Yeah, very interesting.
Okay, look, I, uh I love how politically correct we're pretending to be.
We're in a safe place; no one's listening.
We can express how we really feel.
Maxine is listening.
Well, the truth is, you know, we saw Muslims, and we don't know how to react 'cause we don't see Muslims a lot.
You know, only on TV, and they're usually playing the bad guy, but no one has to feel bad for expressing how they really feel.
You know, Jerrod is right.
This is an opportunity for us to have an open, honest conversation.
Mm-hmm.
What are they doing in my America?! So you guys can't actually be concerned that your new neighbors are Muslim, 'cause that would imply that you think that they could be I don't even want to say the word.
- Terrorist.
- Terrorist.
- Terrorist, yeah.
yeah.
I don't think they're terrorists.
I don't know what they are.
I see them as two abandoned bags at the airport.
Nobody should panic, but nobody should take their eyes off them either.
Wouldn't life be easier if there was just one kind of religion? Are you suggesting, like, a master race, Ma? No, just, like, one group of folk who, like dominate? Well, you know what I'm saying.
Okay, so maybe we should all become Muslims, then.
Well, that is clearly not what I'm saying.
I can't believe how Islamophobic you're being.
But, Maxine, not all phobias are bad.
My fear of sharks is what kept me from being eaten by a shark all these years.
Well, that and the fact that I don't know how to swim.
But that also proves that some stereotypes are true.
Yeah, that's true.
For example, I don't tip.
See? Okay, but your neighbors aren't sharks, they're people, and I am sure that they are perfectly lovely.
You know, Maxine, you are right 99% of the time, but proud Americans like myself, I'm here to protect the rest of us from the one percent that falls through the cracks.
CYNTHIA: Yeah.
Joe, you know, I think we need to go over there, introduce ourselves, and just lay on the charm.
That's a good idea, Cynthia.
Keep your friends close and your Muslims closer.
Joe.
I mean, Maxine, you can disagree, but that slogan alone could win him an election.
You know what? I'm gonna make them a gift basket, go over there, welcome them to the neighborhood.
I think it wouldn't hurt to be on their good side.
So your gift basket has an ulterior motive? So? You know why Jesus was so nice to everyone? Because he knew people were trying to kill him.
JOE: Mm-hmm.
And all of that still didn't help Jesus.
Makes you wonder, maybe he could've been nicer.
Jerrod, remember when you were in middle school, I told you and your brother to always be nice to the white kids in trench coats.
Kept you safe, didn't it? 'Cause they didn't do anything.
That's because you were nice to them.
You guys, we can't assume the worst.
You know, profiling has consequences.
If you treat someone like a criminal, they are more likely to become one.
You know, the only time I ever thought about stealing was when I was followed around a store by a security guard.
Uh What? I've been followed before.
Don't think that's so unbelievable.
What? I dressed differently back then.
Okay, fine.
I was with Nekeisha.
Ha! Okay.
That makes sense.
- That makes complete sense.
- CYNTHIA: I was gonna say, things are really bad if somebody's following around Maxine.
(laughing) The point is, it was really hurtful.
And, you know, I don't want to live in a society where just any crazy person can accuse their neighbor of anything.
Well, the police couldn't stop that San Bernardino attack.
But you know who could? A neighbor who noticed that couple acting strangely and receiving too many packages.
But he didn't want to say anything, 'cause he didn't want people to think he was crazy.
- Hey.
- Hey.
What up? Hey, I met the new neighbors.
They're really nice.
Way nicer than old Ilene.
Yeah, that lady was a bitch.
God rest her soul.
Well, maybe they're nice, maybe they're pretending.
All I know is I got to go put together that "welcome to the neighborhood, please don't blow us up" basket.
What is she talking about? Mom and Dad think the new neighbors might be terrorists.
I didn't say that.
I said I wasn't sure they aren't terrorists.
Wait, wait, why? Because they're Muslim? Muslims are not terrorists.
Crazy people are terrorists.
Look, Dad, if Muhammad Ali and Kareem Abdul-Jabbar moved across the street, would you think they were terrorists? No, but we'd think they were broke.
Bobby, that's different.
They're black Muslims.
We're talking about regular Muslims here.
Regular Muslims need, like, somebody to, like, be a gateway Muslim for them.
If a regular Muslim won The Voice, it could change everything for them.
So what'd you find out, Nekeisha? Did you get any Intel on them? - Joe, you know your girl got you.
- Oh! Now, they said they're from New York originally, but they have spent some time in Pakistan for, like, a couple of years living with family.
I knew it.
Pakistan.
It's always Pakistan.
Pakistan is one of them countries that hates America.
Oh, I wonder if it has anything to do with us bombing them for the last ten years.
Now, I'm not gonna stand here and play chicken or egg with you, Maxine.
NEKEISHA: I'm not jumping to conclusions and I'm not saying that your new neighbors might be members of ISIS, but ISIL.
What's the difference? I don't know.
Point is, we offered to help them with some boxes, and they were quick to tell us no and get rid of me and Bobby.
That's 'cause you was asking 'em too many personal questions.
What do we care if they're renting or buying anyway? 'Cause everybody knows that terrorists are renters.
Why would you buy if you know you about to go jihad and miss out on your tax benefits? That's a good point, Nekeisha.
I think you done blown this whole thing wide open.
Mm.
Now, look, you got a hookup on some night vision goggles? I do.
Okay, I feel like I'm watching the worst episode of Homeland ever.
CYNTHIA: All right, Joe.
I got everything that makes America great in this basket.
I got some Pringles, Coke Zero, some Susan B.
Anthony coins, and a Evan Almighty DVD.
You know, this is basically America in a basket.
Cynthia, they are American.
They are from New York.
Oh, should I put a Snapple in here? Jerrod, are you really gonna let them go over there? This is crazy.
No, what's crazy is my mom has what is clearly a bootleg Evan Almighty DVD, and she's gonna give it to a Muslim family in an Easter basket.
Jerrod, this is a perfectly nice basket.
Everybody loves Easter.
It's the best comeback story there ever was.
You go on and get them there, Cynthia.
You gonna win them over with your smile, while I look around and see if I see any evidence of radicalization.
BOBBY: You know something, man, y'all are being real prejudiced right now.
You're being close-minded and you're being ignorant.
Bobby, you seem grumpy.
You hungry? Huh.
Eat some of these Pringles.
Joe, what are you gonna do, go snoop around this unsuspecting couple's home? Yes.
Oh, that is a beautiful way to welcome them to the neighborhood.
Are you really gonna let them do this? I mean, what do you want me to do, Maxine? Obama said we got to stay vigilant.
He said if you see something suspicious, you should say something.
Yeah, and in that same speech, he also said that we have to reject bigotry in all its forms and that discrimination undermines our national security.
And Michelle said we need to get up and move more.
Hello! We're your new neighbors, and we'd like to welcome you to our community.
I'm Joe Carmichael.
This is my wife Cynthia.
- I'm Zayn.
- And I'm Fahmida.
Very nice to meet you.
Oh, I'm sorry.
We try to follow Islamic law and limit nonessential physical contact with the opposite gender.
No offense.
Oh.
Well, great! I love learning new customs.
So y'all lived in Pakistan, huh? Yes.
So which you like better? You mean, like, as a country? Mm-hmm.
Do we have to choose? (chuckles): Oh.
He's just messing around.
(chuckles) But, seriously, if you had to pick one.
Well, we love it here, but a lot of our family and friends still live in Pakistan, so I hear Pakistan is beautiful.
I hear the people are beautiful.
She's beautiful.
At least, what I can see of her.
(Cynthia laughs) (sighs) Oh.
I-I brought you all a gift basket.
Okay, thank you.
We'll see you around.
Okay.
We love you! "We love you"? Well, I was just trying to make conversation.
You need somebody to sign for that? Nah.
It's from Pakistan.
Ooh, Pakistan! Yeah.
Oh, come on, are-are you really mad at me right now, Maxine? Yes.
The only reason that your parents are suspicious of their neighbors is because they're Muslim.
And how is that my fault? It's not your fault, but I would like you to at least agree with me that they're acting crazy.
Well, I'm sorry.
I can't agree to that.
Well, that's why it's your fault.
Well, look.
Maxine, I agree that maybe they're overreacting.
But I won't say that I don't understand where their fear comes from.
Look, I understand that racially profiling someone is wrong and we need to respect people's civil liberties.
But turning a blind eye and pretending that their neighbors aren't capable of something bad isn't the answer, either.
So what is the answer? You're asking me to solve terrorism right now? I mean, I really think I can fix our problems with the Middle East, but I'm gonna need at least a Red Bull first.
Look, your parents are being xenophobic.
And you have to realize the negative consequences of that.
If your parents said that we should build a wall around the whole country, would you agree with them on that, too? Of course I want a wall! I mean, look, Maxine, I'm not anti-immigration, but I'm definitely pro-wall.
I mean, walls are amazing.
If walls aren't so great, why are we standing in walls right now? I mean, we wouldn't knock down a whole wall just so one of our neighbors could wander in here if they're ever feeling oppressed.
I'm sorry, is Donald Trump behind the couch feeding you lines? I am completely cool with anybody coming to this country.
I would just like for them to have been invited first.
Jerrod, the only reason that any of us are here is because of immigration.
No, I'm here because of slavery.
You know, you got to understand, I was invited.
I mean, it it was an aggressive invitation, but an invitation, nonetheless.
Hey, Jerrod, it's me, Bobby.
What do you want? Look, we got an issue.
Dad stole a package from those nice Muslim neighbors.
God He stole a package? See? There are consequences.
This is what fear does to people.
You know, opening someone's mail is a federal offense.
Well, he hasn't opened it yet.
He's just sitting there staring at it.
Just like "The Tell-Tale Heart.
" Yeah, Bobby reads, too.
Why would they do something so dumb? I mean, I was this close to laying out this nuanced argument about foreign policy, and now I got to go save Kanye and Kim from embarrassing our family.
Joe, are we really gonna do this? Well, I think we have to, Cynthia.
We don't want to be neighbors who turned a blind eye.
We've been through a lot of things in our 30-plus years together, but we've never committed a felony, babe.
Mmm.
Only you could take a moment like this and turn it romantic.
- (giggling) - I love you! Mm! Are you guys really making out over a stolen package? Not stolen.
Intercepted.
And for good reason, son.
This package came from Pakistan.
Pakistan! What do they need a box so bad from Pakistan for? I don't know.
Maybe 'cause their family is from Pakistan.
We don't know what's in there.
Maybe it's something dangerous.
We could be saving lives.
We could be heroes.
This might get me a Wikipedia page.
Yes! I might get a picture with Joe Biden.
I mean, he needs a fun friend like me.
He's always so sad.
You know, he's been through a Kennedy amount of pain.
You guys really think you're gonna be heroes because of this? No, look, I agree, if you see something, say something.
But you're not supposed to do something.
And you didn't even see something.
You saw nothing, then you stole something.
Why are you yelling at us? Because you took it too far! You're supposed to at least respect their privacy.
Oh, nobody cares about privacy.
Security is more important.
And you know something else? The NSA should be spying on all of us, but they've been slowed down from people like you and that Snowden, thinking your secrets are so important.
Well, I got news for you: the government doesn't give two damns about you and your funky little text messages.
Okay, really? Really, Dad? You really want the government listening in on all of your phone calls? I got nothing to hide! Now, if the government wants to listen to me and my friend Bernard talking about how we think Emmitt Smith is the greatest running back in the history of all mankind, let them come on with it.
They might learn something, 'cause I got fascinating opinions.
All right.
Enough talking, I'm going in! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Don't Don't-don't hit their detonator, honey.
There-there's not a bomb in that box.
You don't know what's in there.
It's a teddy bear.
It's an adorable, delightful, brown teddy bear.
Well, I don't get it.
Should I cut it open to see where the bomb is inside of it? Thank you for saving America.
How does it feel to be SEAL Team Six? (knocking on door) Oh, it's the Muslims.
Quick, hide the bear! - (chuckles): Hello, you two.
- Oh! What a pleasant surprise.
Our favorite new neighbors.
We're missing a package from my family that was supposed to arrive today.
Wondering if you guys saw anything.
No, but thanks for stopping by.
Really? Because supposedly it arrived after you guys left our place.
You really didn't see anything? Uh, no we ain't saw Uh, honey, did you see a package? No.
Okay, look, I'm sure this is the package that you guys are looking for.
Jerrod! Did you take that from those people? Yeah, Jerrod, that's a federal offense.
Really? Really? Um, sorry, I should have introduced myself sooner.
I am their very embarrassed son Jerrod.
I knew they stole it.
Now, hold on, don't jump to conclusions.
We don't know they stole it, Zayn.
Oh, yeah, they stole it.
Why would you do that? Why does anybody do anything, really? ZAYN: Fahmida, I told you things like this would happen in this neighborhood.
Well, this neighborhood? If this neighborhood is so bad, why'd you move in? It's all we could afford.
Yeah, us, too.
Look, let us explain.
You saw a Muslim couple move in next door and it terrified you? That's a pretty good guess.
You know, you would do very well on Family Feud.
The words my family seems to have trouble finding are "I'm sorry" or "Please don't press charges.
" Jerrod, don't put words in our mouth.
But please don't press charges.
I mean, what did you think you were gonna find in here? JOE: You know, instead of focusing on why did we cut the box open, let's focus on the fact that we didn't cut that bear open.
And we could have.
- We thought about it.
- Mm-hmm.
But we didn't.
You want to know why? 'Cause we trust you.
'Cause we're neighbors.
This was a gift from our family to congratulate us.
We're expecting our first child.
Oh, that's great! You're having a baby.
Now, who do I hug? I can't hug you, but I can hug you.
Did I get it right? This isn't the first time this has happened to us.
You assume every Muslim's a terrorist, and it's rooted in absolutely nothing.
Do I look like a terrorist to you? Well, if I was casting a new season of 24, you would get the part.
Every single day, I get judgmental looks, and it makes me so angry.
But I can't get angry.
Because there is nothing scarier to America than an angry young Muslim woman wearing a hijab, and that really pisses me off! I think America's still more afraid of me in a hoodie, but I do feel where you're coming from.
How would you like it if I assumed you were loudmouth criminals just because you were black? Well, today you would have assumed correctly.
Fahmida, let's go.
Well, nice of you to drop by.
And if you need a babysitter, just feel free to call.
You know, it's behavior like this that gives you people a bad name.
"You people"? You people can't call us "you people"! We love you! This is not the moment for that.
Jerrod, what is wrong with you? Coming over here, causing all this conflict with our neighbors.
I could've re-taped that box and just snuck it on their porch.
What's wrong with me? Are you kidding me? I watched you guys commit a felony and then almost destroy your relationship with those neighbors.
Honestly, if you really think about it, in this situation, the real terrorists are you people.
"You people"?! Hey, Jerrod! Hey, Jerrod, what you mean by "you people"?! If it wasn't for us people, you wouldn't be people! I can't believe no one showed up for our "meet your neighbors" party.
I may as well be honest with you, Maxine.
You know all the flyers you put up in the hallway? I took them down.
What? Why would you do that? I thought we were gonna get to know our neighbors, you know, expand our world.
I don't want to meet our neighbors.
You got to do small talk.
I'd rather have small talk about the weather with Siri.
(knocking on door) Oh, God.
- Hey.
- Hello, come on in.
I don't think we've officially met.
I'm Maxine.
I know.
He's Jerrod.
Okay, how do you know our names, Mr? Jamar.
And I can hear y'all.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Are we being too loud? Oh, no, I'm listening.
I'm always listening.
I'm here to warn you.
You see them Sudanese dudes that just moved in next door? Real child soldier types.
They roll their own cigarettes.
Watch your backs.
This is why I don't like meeting new people, Maxine.