The Catherine Tate Show (2004) s02e06 Episode Script

1 - Ally! - Hello! I didn't know you were back.
How was your holiday? - Oh, it was fantastic.
- Ally's just come back from Greece.
- Oh, we were there at the beginning of June.
- No! Oh, it's gorgeous, isn't it? Yeah, I've been loads, but it's the first time I'd taken Nick.
- Oh, God, you went together? - Yeah.
Do you know, I think that is fantastic.
I'd never go on holiday with my mum.
Polly's not my mum, she's my girlfriend.
Hmm? Right.
Yeah, good, 'cause I didn't mean you looked older than him, no, no, I didn't you look You look taller than him.
Just, you just seem a bit taller than him Which is odd, isn't it, given that you're shorter than him.
Odd in a good way.
Hmm? So You've got beautiful eyes.
God Bright eyes - Well, you won't believe this one.
- This one is unbelievable.
- About three weeks ago we was in Leeds.
- We'd been to see her brother.
Don't ask.
Anyhow, we were on our way back and we thought we'd stop for a pub lunch.
- What was that pub called? - No idea.
Anyhow, we gets in Listen to this.
And they were all from Thailand, weren't they? Not the customers, the people doing the food.
All of them, from Thailand.
Chinese, basically.
You went mad, didn't you? All I wanted, right, was fish and chips, maybe a pie.
But all they did was this thai food.
Food from Thailand.
This is in Leeds.
So you asked if they did chips, didn't you? Now you tell me somewhere that doesn't do chips.
No chips.
Well, you went mad, didn't you? I'm only flesh and blood.
So the woman says, "why don't you try vegetable" What were it called? Tempura.
So we've ordered two of 'em and two lager shandies, didn't we? Just a half each.
Well, this tempura stuff arrived, didn't it? This is unbelievable.
Well, he went absolutely mad, didn't you? Do you know what it is, eh? This This tempura, right, shall I tell you? Battered veg.
We couldn't believe it, could we? Battered veg.
Nowt with it.
Veg battered.
Well, actually there was summat with it, weren't there? Oh, listen to this.
Spicy jam.
Seriously.
Little blob of jam, jam like that, but spicy.
Battered veg with spicy jam.
The dirty bastards.
But that's not the best bit.
Oh, two plates of battered veg, right, blob of spicy jam like that, two lager shandies.
- Halves.
- £11.
40.
Not even pints.
£11.
40 for battered veg.
The dirty, evil, robbing bastards.
£5.
00 and another five makes 10.
Thank you.
Morning.
How are we today? Morning, Derek.
You know, can't complain.
Do you want to pay for your papers? Yes, please, Vivienne.
And where were you yesterday? - Mother and I had a little day out.
- Oh, lovely.
That's £6, please, Derek.
And these as well? Er, yes.
Er, £2.
50 and £1.
50.
Right, that's £10.
00 exactly, please, Derek.
Thank you.
Derek, can I ask your advice on something? Who, dear? Me, dear? Advice, dear? Yes, dear.
It's a bit delicate.
Well, you know me, dear, I'm discretion personified.
It's Paul, our eldest.
Well he's, well We think he might be gay.
Oh, I see.
In your experience, do you think we should ask him, or do you think we should wait for him to tell us? What do you mean, in my experience? Well, did you tell your mother you were gay, or did she know already? I beg pardon? Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to be rude.
How very dare you? How very dare you? Mother and I have been coming in this shop for 25 years, and I have never been so insulted.
Derek, I'm sorry, I've just always assumed Just because a man wears a little bit of foundation and takes care of his appearance, you automatically accuse him of hiding the sausage? Well, I find you impertinent.
- I don't know what to say.
- "Just always assumed"? How very dare you? I forgot mother's magazines.
They're here.
Wildlife countryside and hot muscle? She's been very ill.
You've been to China, haven't you? No.
I thought you had.
No, not me.
- I could have sworn it was you that went to China.
- No, I've never been to China.
Incredible language, Chinese.
Hmm.
Sounds a bit like that, doesn't it? Yeah.
Listen, I've really got to get on with this, so Do you know, there are no swear words in the Chinese language.
Right.
We were having a conversation about swearing in the workplace at lunch.
- Were you? - Yeah, a really good conversation, actually.
I'm sure.
Look, I'm not being rude, but I've really got to finish this.
Guess which swear word people find most offensive? Oh.
Go on, guess which swear word people in this office find the most offensive? I really wouldn't know.
Of course you wouldn't, that's what makes guessing such a brilliant game.
- Um - Come on.
- I don't swear very much.
- It doesn't matter, join in the game.
I suppose it depends on the individual.
Come on, which swear word did everyone in this office collectively find the most offensive? I haven't a clue.
Just take a bloody guess! Look, there's one already.
- I'm really no good at this sort of thing.
- It's just a bit of fun, guess! - Come on! - Tit wank.
Tit wank? Tit wank? When have you ever heard anyone in this office say "tit wank"? I said I didn't know.
Anyway, "tit wank" is two swear words, not one, so try again.
- I think it might be hyphenated.
- Come on! Willy.
Willy? Willy? I said the most offensive swear word in the office, not the playground.
- Twat.
- No, come on.
- Tosser.
- No.
- Tosspot.
- No.
- Tossed off.
- Stop tossing! - Phallus.
- What? - Minge.
- Right, forget it.
Frig.
- It's frig, isn't it? - No.
Jiz.
Cunt.
The most offensive swear word to people in this office is "cunt".
That word is so offensive! Yes, it is.
Are you sure people in this office use that word? I've never heard them.
That's because they're usually talking about you, not to you.
Thank you for coming, Annie, take a seat.
So, what's the problem this time? Annie, I think you know.
Your methods of late have become somewhat unorthodox.
I get results, Robert, and I save lives.
You overruled the decisions of two senior doctors.
I saved the lives of three people who would otherwise have died had I been too polite to intervene.
You're making enemies around here, Annie.
I'd be careful if I were you.
Funny, I thought I was making a difference.
For what it's worth, I think you're one of the most talented doctors to come to this hospital in a long time, - but my advice, don't be a Maverick.
- Of course, I know what all this is really about.
It's because I'm a woman! Cut! Okay, guys, that's a wrap.
We'll pick it up on Monday.
Mark it.
Action.
For what it's worth, I think you're one of the most talented doctors to come to this hospital in a long time, but my advice, don't be a Maverick.
Of course, I know what all this is really about.
It's because I'm a woman.
Don't be ridiculous.
Oh, come on, Robert.
If Jack Morgan had done this, or any other junior doctor for that matter, they'd have been applauded.
This isn't about hospital policy or protocol, this is plain old-fashioned double standards.
For God's sakes, get a hold of yourself.
It's no such thing.
Open your eyes, Robert, it happens all the time.
You're not seriously going to file a complaint on the grounds of sexism? Okay, let's hold it there.
George, George, we're losing your eyeline.
Okay, let's pick it up.
Action.
For God's sakes, get a hold of yourself, it's no such thing.
Oh, open your eyes, Robert, it happens all the time.
You're not seriously going to file a complaint on the grounds of sexism? You try and stop me.
I'm going to drag this hospital into the 21 st century if it's the last thing I do.
What are you doing? Hold it there.
George, George, are you okay? - Yeah, I'm sorry.
- Okay, mark it.
Action.
Frankly, the way you behaved, I think you're getting off lightly with a warning.
Annie, Annie, a minute.
I Gross.
- Cut! - Oh, gross.
Did you see that thing on last night about plastic surgery? Did you see it, though? Oh, my God, that was well bad, I thought I was going to be sick or summat.
Did you see that woman having liposuction, though? Did you see it, though? Did you see when they ripped open her stomach, though? Did you see what her fat looked like, though? I nearly puked up, man.
All that white stuff mixed up with blood.
- Innit, though? - Did you see how they get it out, though? Oh, my God, did you see it, though? That big metal contraption thing, they stuck it in her burn, innit, sucking out the blubber.
I can't eat no more.
Did you see how much it cost, though? Did you see it, though? £3,000, can you believe it? I'm definitely getting that when I'm older.
You better start saving now, then, innit? - Hello, girls.
- Awright.
Why aren't you outside? It's a nice day, you know.
It's boring outside, sir.
If you don't mind me joining you, I need to prep for my next lesson.
That's fine.
- I like your trainers, sir.
- Thank you.
- Where did you get 'em? - I bought them in New York.
Is it? Have you got a lot of shoes, sir? A few pairs.
Are you gay, sir? - What? - Are you gay, sir? - Lauren, please.
- Are you gay, though, sir? No, of course I'm not gay.
Are you homophobic, sir? - Am I what? - Are you homophobic, sir? - No, of course not.
- So you're gay, then? - No, I'm not.
- Do your friends know you're gay? Oh, for goodness sake - Are you their funny gay friend, sir? - All right, that's enough.
Do you know Graham Norton, sir? Are you Graham Norton's bitch, sir? Do you love him, sir? - No, Lauren, I don't love Graham Norton.
- Did Graham Norton break your heart, sir? - Lauren, I'm actually married with two children.
- Are you in the closet, sir? For goodness sake - Come out of the closet, sir.
- Lauren - You should come out of the closet, though.
- Lauren, please.
It's only fair on your wife.
- I'm warning you.
- Is your wife a lesbian, sir? - Right, I'm getting angry now.
- Are you a militant gay, sir? - What? - Do you go on marches? Lauren, for goodness sake, how many times I'm not gay.
Are you homophobic, sir? - You don't even know what homophobic means.
- I don't need to, I ain't gay.
All right, that's enough.
You two should be ashamed of yourselves.
This sort of behaviour is totally unacceptable, and you, you, young lady, you are skating on very thin ice, and believe you me, you are this far away from being expelled.
Am I bothered? - Lauren - Am I bothered, though? - Lauren, please.
- I ain't bothered, though.
- For goodness sake - Is my face bothered? - Lauren - Is my face bothered? - Listen to me.
- Look at my face.
- Lauren.
- Look at my face.
- Lauren - Are you looking at my face? - Yes.
- Is any part of it bothered? - You sound ridiculous.
- You sound gay.
What do you think your friends really think of you? - I don't care, 'cause I ain't bothered.
- For goodness sake.
- Face.
Look.
Face.
Bothered.
- Lauren please - Face.
Not bothered.
Look.
Face.
- Don't will you just - Bothered.
"Shut that door.
Shut that door.
" - You Lauren! - Not bothered.
Face.
Look.
Bothered.
Face.
- Look can you just no, don't - "I'm free! I'm free!" - What? - "Shut that door.
Ooh, Betty, ooh, Betty!" Face.
- This is can you - Look.
Bothered.
Face.
I ain't bothered! - Lauren can you Lauren! I am so disappointed in you.
God, when everyone else in this school had given up hope on you, I was the only one prepared to give you another chance.
Unlike you, I am bothered.
I feel let down, and well, to be honest, I'm a little bit hurt.
You are gay, sir.
You are not going to believe what's happened to me today.
- What have you done? - I'm not joking, - you are going to die when you hear what I did.
- What's happened? - I can't tell you.
- Why not? 'Cause you're gonna die.
Tell me what you've done.
This morning, right, I've gone down the shop by the bus stop to get some milk, you know like I do sometimes when we run out of milk, and the man behind the counter says, "that's 3.
25, please.
" And I thought, "hold on, 3.
25 for two pints of milk, that's a bit steep, isn't it?" Then I've looked down, I'm only holding a Marie Claire hair & beauty and a caramel wispa.
What are you like? - I know.
But that ain't it.
- That ain't it? So, I give him a fiver, he looks at me and he says - What's he say? - He says, - "I can't take this, love.
" - He can't take it? - He says, "this ain't a fiver.
" - It ain't a fiver? - It weren't a fiver! - It weren't a fiver? It weren't a fiver.
You know what I've done, don't ya? What you done? I've opened me purse to give him the money, I've pulled out a note, I've give him the note, he's taken the note, I'm standing, waiting for me change, he's give me one look, he's staring at the note, he said, "I can't take this.
" I said, "what do you mean, you can't take this?" He said, "this ain't a fiver, this is five Euros.
" - What, you've given him five Euros? - I've give him five Euros.
Yeah, well, it's an easy mistake to make.
I ain't told you what else happened to me today.
- What happened? - You are gonna wet yourself when I tell you this.
What did you do? Lunchtime, right, I've gone down gino's with shelley and that new girl who sits by the machine, don't really like her but she brought in panettone cake on her first day, and everyone deserves a chance.
So we get to the counter, and shelley says, "I think I'm gonna have one of them buffalo mozzarella sandwiches.
" And I said, "I think I will, too, as it goes.
" The new girl couldn't make up her mind, so we just left her there.
I mean, I'm not Nelson mandela.
- I get back to me desk - Yeah? - I sit down, I open me bag - Yeah? - You'll never guess what's in my sandwich.
- What? - Egg and cress! - No! My life, I've picked up an egg and cress instead of buffalo mozzarella! Yeah, well you picked up the wrong one, it can happen.
'Ere, Sam.
- You've been having me on! - I've been having you on! You've been having me on since I walked through that door! Since you walked through that door! I thought you thought it weren't funny! Not funny? "I've only given him five Euros!" I've given him five Euros! - You thought it was a fiver.
- I know! - And then the sandwich shop - Don't! Egg and cress.
You thought you was getting buffalo mozzarella! I know! What is buffalo mozzarella? I dunno! One word.
"Escargot.
" This is in Paris.
The dirty bastards! Oh, thank you.
I bought it last week.
- Ally! - Hello, I heard you were here.
- Yeah, do you know David? - No, hello, I'm ally.
Film.
How many words? - No - Oh.
Book? - No, no - Slow down! Do the whole thing.
Psycho.
He's deaf.
My left foot.
No, he's deaf.
Hmm? Right.
Yeah, right, God, no, yeah, God, no, yeah, I didn't mean can Sorry, can you tell him, I didn't mean - You can tell him yourself.
- Right.
So Hello.
I'm sorry, I didn't mean to offend you.
Hmm.
Are you tired? I'm, I'm tired.
I'm going to go to bed now.
Downstairs.
My boyfriend got a pay rise.
37,500 a year, plus perks, plus a company car.
Yeah.
- Is that you, sweetheart? - Hello, nan.
Here he is.
You come up and see me? You know I have.
- Oh, you are a good boy.
- You all right? Yeah, lovely.
Did you bring me up me bits? - Madeira cake.
- Oh, that's it, lovely.
Oh, I just fancied a bit of madeira cake.
You don't mind, do you, love? Course not.
Oh, that's it, look at that, I'll have a go at that later.
- What are you laughing for? - Oh, God knows! Have you been drinking? I might have had a livener or three, what's it got to do with you? Do you want a nice bacon sandwich, son? - I'll make you a nice bacon sandwich if you like.
- I'm all right thanks, nan.
I don't mind, throw a couple of rashers in the pan, bit of fat, crisp it up.
Butter a few slices, you can have it with that nice red sauce you like.
- Nan, I don't want anything.
- What do you want then, a bit of coleslaw? Wouldn't mind a cup of tea.
I can't be messing about with cups of tea, love.
It ain't an hotel.
Here, here, I'll tell you who I saw, oh, I'll tell you who I saw today.
Coming out of the post office, bumped right into him, I ain't seen him in years, what a smashing fellow.
- Who's that? - Who's what? - In the post office? - I was in there this morning.
Yeah, you said.
Who did you see in there? Here, I'll tell you who I saw in there, young Tommy Upson.
- Who' s Tommy Upson? - Who? - Tommy Upson? - I saw him in the post office this morning.
Yeah, used to live down Ormande yard when we were kids.
Oh, we have had a laugh.
Who's that? I just told you who it is, Tommy fucking Upson! What's the matter with you? May God forgive me for swearing, you'll make my nerves bad, you will.
- Aye aye.
- Here he is.
Is that better, sweetheart? Oh, I'm about a stone lighter now.
Flushed itself.
Oh, yes? I'll tell you something, it's good to see you've got plenty of loo rolls in there.
- 36 I counted.
- Yeah, well they don't eat nothing, do they? I can't understand it, you go to someone's house for a pony and you've got to ration your wipes.
You never have to hold back up here, torn, and I mean that sincerely.
- Here you are, go on, sweetheart, sit back down.
- That's it, that's it.
There's a drink there.
Here you are, tom.
This is my Diane's boy, Jamie.
- Hello, son.
- Nice to meet you.
He's home early, ain't he got a job? - No, we tried everything, he ain't interested.
- I'm at university.
Oh, that's right.
Your nan said something about you being gay.
I'm not gay, I've got a girlfriend.
Very plain girl she is, but then again, he is short.
- My brother, he had a gay dog.
- Who, your Billy? - That's right.
Cost him a fortune in vet's bills.
- A gay dog? No, not gay, urn, diabetic.
Some kind of disability.
Being gay isn't a disability.
Well, it ain't exactly helped you in getting a job, has it? You want to get out and push, son.
When I was your age, I was up to my eyeballs in the shit.
Three kids to feed and a welsh dresser to pay for.
I had no time for reading.
My wife, lily - She was a grafter.
- Very hard-working woman she was.
Oh.
I was blessed every day that I was with her.
She used to model herself on coco chanel.
She always wore a matching hat, shoes, gloves, handbag.
Not a lot of people can pull off a look like that in a motorised wheelchair.
- She had a lot of style, I'll say that about her.
- I can't believe she's gone.
She's with you, darling, she's always there, in your heart.
- Oh, I know.
I know she is.
- Yeah.
Now, don't get upset, sweetheart, 'cause you'll start me off.
When you're weary, feeling small go on, love.
When tears are in your eyes I will dry them all that's it, sweetheart.
I'm on your side oh, when times get rough go on, love.
And friends just can't be found like a bridge over Help me! Help me! troubled water I will lay me down like a bridge over troubled water Oh, sweetheart, don't be upset, darling.
She's looking down on you.
I know.
- She's looking down on you, don't you worry.
- I know she is.
She wouldn't want to see you like this, would she? No, she wouldn't want to see me upset, though.
- That's it.
- I'm gonna go.
There's a feature-length Taggart on tonight.
- Well, you know where I am, sweetheart.
- I know where you are.
Ta-ra.
- Ta-ra, darling.
- Take care.
Look after her, gay boy.
Ta-ra! Ta-ra, Tommy, sweetheart, mind how you go, love.
What a fucking liberty! He's used all me fucking lavatory paper! What was he fucking doing in there? Making fucking flags? And as for his old woman, coco chanel? More like coco the fucking clown! 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33 34 35 36 37 38 39 40 41 42 43 44 45 46 47 48 49 50 51 52 53 54 55 56 57 58 59 60 61 62 63 64 65 66 67 68 69 70 71 72 73 74 75 76 77 78 79 80 81 82 83 84 85 86 87 88 89 90 91 92 93 94 95 96 97 98 99 100 101 102 103 104 105 106 107 108 109 110 111 112 113 114 115 116 117 118 119 120 121 122 123 124 125 126 127 128 129 130 131 132 133 134 135 136 137 138 139 140 141 142 143 144 145 146 147 148 149 150 151 152 153 154 155 156 157 158 159 160 161 162 163 164 165 166 167 168 169 170 171 172 173 174 175 176 177 178 179 180 181 182 183 184 185 186 187 188 189 190 191 192 193 194 195 196 197 198 199 200 201 202 203 204 205 206 207 208 209 210 211 212 213 214 215 216 217 218 219 220 221 222 223 224 225 226 227 228 229 230 231 232 233 234 235 236 237 238 239 240 241 242 243 244 245 246 247 248 249 250 251 252 253 254 255 256 257 258 259 260 261 262 263 264 265 266 267 268 269 270 271 272 273 274 275 276 277 278 279 280 281 282 283 284 285 286 287 288 289 290 291 292 293 294 295 296 297 298 299 300 301 302 303 304 305 306 307 308 309 310 311 312 313 314 315 316 317 318 319 320 321 322 323 324 325 326 327 328 329 330 331 332 333 334 335 336 337 338 339 340 341 342 343 344 345 346 347 348 349 350 351 352 353 354 355 356 357 358 359 360 361 362 363 364 365 366 367 368 369 370 371 372 373 374 375 376 377 378 379 380 381 382 383 384 385 386 387 388 389 390 391 392 393 394 395 396 397 398 399 400 401 402 403 404 405 406 407 408 409 410 411 412 413 414 415 416 417 418 419 420 421 422 423 424 425 426 427 428 429 430 431 432 433 434 435 436 437 438 439 440 441 442 443 444 445 446 447 448 449 450 451 452 453 454 455 456 457 458 459 460 461