The Drew Carey Show (1995) s02e06 Episode Script

Do you have to put
on makeup while we're driving?
If you wanna get
a natural look
you gotta use natural light.
Lady, don't blame
nature for that.
[tires screeching]
Time to clear a little traffic.
You, in the Ford Escort.
This is God, pull over
to the side of the road
or I'm giving you
a heart attack.
Wow, pretty cool.
Check this out.
You in the red car.
My name's Chuck.
I'm a Sagittarius.
I enjoy hiking,
long walks by the beach.
Gimme that, Chuck.
This is a carpool,
not a Jacuzzi.
- So who's your cute friend?
- Uh..
Just a new guy from shoes.
Got a bad cold,
can't really talk.
[coughing]
Oh, oh, no problem.
You know, we're little early.
What do you say
we drive by Drew's house
skid around on his front lawn,
break some windows
and set the whole house on fire?
Alright, so you know it's me.
Drew, what're you doing here?
I mean, yeah..
That's why I said
all those things.
- Now, get out of my car.
- What do you mean, get out?
You can't stop
in the middle of the freeway.
Who said anything about
stopping?
You think I like being
in the pace car from Wigstock?
It's just that my car won't
start, I really needed a ride.
[siren wailing]
Oh, crap. Cherry top. Hang on.
Hey, what're you doin'?
I got four tickets
last month. I can't stop.
Oh, yeah, we'll just loose him.
Maybe we'll find
a Mary-Kate parade and slip
right in. What're you, nuts?
(officer #1)
'This is the police.'
'Turn your vehicle over.'
I can't. If I go less than 50,
it'll blow up.
(officer #1)
'Yeah, like we never heard that
one before. Pull over Keanu.'
I wonder what I got do to get
them to look the other way.
Chuck, should I just slap the
ball to you or spike it myself?
Moon over Parma ♪
Bring my love to me tonight ♪
Guide her to Cleveland ♪
Underneath your
silvery light ♪
We're goin' bowling ♪
So don't lose her in Solon ♪
Moon over Parma tonight ♪♪
[instrumental music]
Drew, where you been?
We were supposed to go to lunch.
You wanna know why I'm late?
Well, you wanna ask me
or do you want
to look at my butt first
like everyone else did today?
Hmm-mm, no, I think
we'll just ask you.
I drove in with Mimi
and got arrested
for trying to outrun the police.
They searched her car
and we all had to
go down to the station.
Hey, it's not my fault
that cops had never seen
a pound of eye shadow
and a baggy before.
Oh, Drew, there she is,
there she is.
Julie. Hey, what's
she doing up here?
You haven't gone on one date
since you broke up with Lisa.
I got her up here so you could
ask her to go lunch with us.
Oh, great, what did
you tell her?
That I'm the biggest loser in
the world, my friends have to
drag women up here so
I can ask 'em out?
No, we both know
that's failed in the past.
I just told her there's a really
cute guy up here who's single.
Now, go over there before
she sees him.
Monica..
I can't ask her out.
She doesn't even know me.
Hey, you're asking her to go
to lunch with a group of people.
Huh? Groups are safe.
Then, overtime, you slowly
whittle the group down
until she realizes,
too late, she's dating you.
It also works with sex.
Yeah, you know, you're right.
- Lisa's probably dating now.
- Hm-hmm.
It's time for me
to jump back in.
Worst she could say is "no".
Ahem. Hey, Julie.
(Julie)
No.
Ah, rejection,
how I missed ya.
- Hey, guys.
- Hey.
I just made a delivery
to our old high school today.
And guess what I found out.
Girls still think you're creepy?
No.
Our music teacher just died.
- Miss Blankenship died?
- Yeah.
- Oh, that's too bad.
- Yeah.
So, where do
you wanna go for lunch?
Well, wait a minute, wait.
Well, what happened?
Oh, she had a heart attack
during band practice.
And the horn section went right
into taps, didn't miss a beat.
- Hmm.
- Yeah.
My god, this is terrible.
Wh-what're we gonna do?
Alright, since we haven't
perfected reanimation
I guess we'll
let her be dead.
[laughing]
Would you knock it off?
Why're you getting so upset?
You haven't seen her
in 15 years.
She's my first band teacher and
she really meant a lot to me.
You know when
the memorial service is?
No, I wasn't able
to find that out.
Apparently, I'm not allowed
to wander the halls anymore.
You know what else I'm gonna do?
I'm gonna get
the band back together
to play for her one last time.
You know,
it's the least we can do.
How are you gonna find
all the guys in the band?
Oh, I know. I'll get a list of
clients from the optometrist
in the orthopedic shoe store.
Johnson, come here.
Your sales are off 50 percent.
Pick a hand.
Oops, too bad. You're fired.
[laughing]
Oh, come on, I wouldn't
be that cruel.
They both said "You're fired",
but thanks for playing.
[chuckling]
Very good, sir.
It's much better than
last week's
"wheel of destiny."
Mm.
Hey, uh, listen, as long as
you're in a good mood, uh
can I get a personal day off?
Well, I'd love to give it to you
but I don't see
what's in it for me.
Excuse me, but
there's been a death.
Oh, I-I'm sorry,
w-was it someone close?
Oh, you probably won't
understand it but..
it was my band teacher.
Oh, why..
why, why is it always
the band teacher?
Why are they always taken
from us in their prime?
Sarcasm noted
and appreciated, sir.
Can I have the day off?
Pick a number between one
and a million.
Four hundred and
fifty three thousand
two hundred and fifty two.
Alright, then.
[instrumental music]
Thatwas pretty good.
[cheering]
Like, we're really comin' along.
Uh, this next music
I picked up myself.
I think it's appropriate
for a memorial service.
Ah, Debbie, I'm sorry.
There's no cymbal part in this
arrangement.
So you're just gonna
have to fake it. Ahem.
- Okay, everybody, ready?
- Mm.
[instrumental music]
Stop!
Can't you hear yourselves?
Hasn't anyone been
to church in the last 20 years?
"Amazing Grace" is not a march.
And just one small note,
Debbie,you suck!
Come on, guys, we're gonna
have to better than this
if we're gonna honor
the memory of Miss Blankenship.
You know I'm getting cold,
can we practice inside?
- Yeah.
- Oh, alright.
Bob, if you don't mind?
[drums music]
Hey, remember you
from study hall.
Hey, same math class.
Hey, used to see
you in the hall.
Hey, still like you as a friend.
Alright, since
"Amazing Grace" is out..
anyone else have an idea
on a song for Miss Blankenship?
How 'bout
"The Night Chicago died"?
But we change "Chicago"
to "Miss Blankenship."
That's not bad.
But instead why don't we use
"George on my mind"
and change it to
"Oswald's an insensitive jerk
and I want to beat the crap out
of him if he doesn't shut up?"
That doesn't fit.
Drew, why don't
you just call her husband?
She never got married.
I'm not even sure
she liked men.
Hey-hey, maybe we should play
"Lay down Sally."
[laughing]
You want to show
a little respect
or maybe you and your
salvation army tube
will wanna
get the heck out of here?
Hey, take it easy, buddy.
Yeah, who died
and made you band leader?
- Oh.
- Okay, alright.
Out you go, big boy.
Come on, now.
Alright, big guy, sit down.
Drew, give it a rest,
what's the matter with you?
He shouldn't be talking about
her if he didn't know her.
Yeah, so what if she's gay?
It's not the point.
She wasn't gay.
How do you know?
I-I just know, okay.
Can we just drop it?
Wait a minute, how can
you be so sure?
Just trust me, I'm sure.
Oh, my God!
You slept with
Eleanor Blankenship?
Oh, my God, you were
having sex in high school?
It was just the once.
She was my first.
[instrumental music]
[instrumental music]
Well, I see everybody's
put out a little weight
except for yours truly.
Yeah, that's right, Drew.
You were an enormous boy
and now you're
just a large man.
So, is this where you did it
with Miss Blankenship?
[laughing]
I told you guys I'm not
gonna talk about that.
Alright.
- Rehearsal room. Mm-hmm.
- Sound proof.
Did she make you
use the metronome?
[Lewis and Oswald laughing]
Did she make wear a reed?
[laughing]
Okay, I can see you guys
aren't gonna drop this, so..
[sighs]
It was my second year in band
and I just made first tier.
Uh, and Miss Blankenship asked
me to stay after school
for a private practice session.
Where?
- In the rehearsal hall.
- Hello.
So anyway, she said she had her
eye on me for a long time
and she put my
trumpet down and then..
I played my first duet.
(Drew)
Afterwards, she said it
was a one time thing
but she gave me
this treble clef pin
and she said I was really
special to her
and.that when I wore it, only
we would know what it meant..
that I was her
little love note.
Drew, that's
the most beautiful story
of statutory rape
I've ever heard.
Hey, you know, it
can-can be flattering
to have a teacher
come on to you.
- They fired that guy right?
- Oh, yeah.
Good afternoon, everyone.
And, uh, thank you, band
for that touching
musical interlude
in the courtyard.
For those of you who don't
know me, I'm Principal Zand.
Welcome to Rhodes High School.
[coughs]
Jackass.
Sorry, it'sreflex.
We gather to mourn
the loss of agreatteacher.
A woman who gave everything
she could to her
students and then some.
[laughing]
(Zand)
Miss Blankenship was
the epitome of dedication.
How many nights did I
leave my office only to see
Eleanor's car still
in the parking lot.
(Zand)
'She was no doubt toiling away'
in the rehearsal room
helping a student
master his instrument.
[laughing]
[sobbing]
Now, I-I would like
to make a presentation
to the most special person
in Eleanor Blankenship's life.
As a working single mother..
she could leave
no finer legacy
than her son Billy.
Billy, we all got together
and raised some money
for your education.
What better gift for
a 19-year-old scholar.
He's 19, but
he's too old
to be my kid.
Yes, I'm not a father!
Or a rabbi, or a minister.
Just a regular guy,
came to pay my respects.
Back to you, Mr. Zand.
Now, I'd-I'd like
to suggest that we..
file out and pay
our last respects.
Oh, please keep it brief, we've
got a game in five minutes.
Eleanor, it's me, Drew, here.
Little love note.
I'll never forget you.
Thanks for making me a man.
You too?
Join the club.
Club? W-what club?
[instrumental music]
I can't believe Miss Blankenship
slept with every first chair.
I thought I was special.
Uh! I'm sorry, Drew.
Hey! Have a soda.
Thanks.
Hey, hey hey! Take it easy.
This guy bought it. At least
let him have the last sip.
You know, what I don't
understand is how come
I never heard about this?
I was in the Chess Club.
I was in the loop.
How come no one ever
talked about this?
This isn't something people
go around talking about.
Look, you never told us
what happened toyou.
Yeah, how come you never told
us? We're best friends.
I thought we didn't have any
secrets from each other, huh.
- You know everything aboutme.
- Hold on.
I don't recall ever
hearing aboutyourfirst time.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Well, you'll be
the first to know.
(all)
Come on.
Alright.
I was a late bloomer.
There's nothing wrong with that.
(all)
No. No.
It was sophomore
year in college.
Remember Joanie McCormick?
- Yeah.
- 'McCormick!'
(Lewis)
'So, one day
I'm over to her house'
and we're out by the pool.
- It's summer and it'srealhot.
-'Uh-huh.'
All we're wearing
is our bathing suits.
- Yeah?
- Uh-huh.
So, it was Joanie?
No, no.
Joanie had to go
to field hockey practice.
But, her sister comes over.
You slept with her sister?
No, no, no, we..
You know, we chatted
for a while, you know.
But then she had to leave.
But her brother comes in.
So, we open a couple beers--
Lewis, no!
What?
No! No!
No. No. Her brother
leaves and I'm all alone..
until the dog comes in.
(all)
Ew!
But then the dog goes, so I--
Lewis, who did you sleep with?
Six years later, some woman
in a bar, I don't know..
Well, uh, how long
did you plan to go on?
Oh, I'm sorry, were
you wanted in surgery?
Alright, how about you, Kate?
And try to start on the
same week it happened.
Oh! You don't wanna know.
Yeah, we do.
Yeah, come on, we told you ours.
Oh, it wasn't
that big of a deal.
It wasn't very memorable--
What's that supposed to mean?
You mean,
Oswald knows and we don't?
I-I? I, uh..
I, he-ha, I-I don't know
anything about it.
I, uh, I was-I wasn't
even there that afternoon.
Six years later some
guy I met in a bar?
Oswald was your first?
Wait a minute,
this is Ambrosia?
It was a million years ago.
Nobody cares.
I don't believe this.
Were you guys drinking?
- Yes!
- No. Hey!
[sighs]
Can we just drop this?
It wasn't that big a deal.
No, it's a very big deal.
Now, every time I look at you,
I'm gonna think about
you having sex with Oswald.
How am I gonna get
that out of my mind?
Took me years,
but I did it!
Hey!
Come on, Drew.
It's really embarrassing.
We-we were just experimenting.
We didn't even
take our clothes off.
Uh, we were just kinda wrestling
and then Kate pinned me down
and-and there was that move
we did a couple of times.
- Ew!
- Oh-h-h!
I don't wanna hear anymore.
Well, this has been
a hell of a day for me.
Why didn't I smoke pot
back in high school
so I wouldn't
remember any of this?
I'm gonna get outta here.
- Hey, Drew.
- Come on, Drew.
- Drew.
- So!
After all these years, still
sneaking under the bleachers.
Let's go, Seymour Hiney.
You too, Herts.
You too, Lingus.
[instrumental music]
So, Carey,
how was the funeral?
Uh, it was pretty
emotional, sir.
It's like a chapter
of my life has closed.
And it's not even
the chapter I thought it was.
Yes, well, um..
"Funerals are never easy."
It's the Wilfred Laurier
Handbook
on employee bereavement, sir?
Yes! Yes.
And "I'm terribly sorry
to hear about your loss."
Two, three, four.
- You're management, right?
- Yeah.
Five.
Thank you
for your concern, sir.
"This is a very
difficult time for me."
[reading in foreign language]
Well, the thing
to remember is that
"He or she is still
part of your life"
and Lord, this thing goes on.
Here, you read it,
and when you're done
give it to the widow at
Henderson and Jews, will you?
Drew, pull Mimi's
personnel file.
I'm putting her on report.
They are free make up samples.
It's not stealing.
Let it go, Chuck.
Life's too short.
Listen, pig--
Oh! Thanks.
But, Drew, she took
them outta people's hands.
If you arrest her,
you gotta frisk her.
I owe you one.
Wait a second.
The real Drew never would have
let Mimi get away with that.
What's goin' on?
[sighs]
Well, it all started
when the very first
woman I had sex with died.
So, this is about your sex life?
Sorta.
And this wouldn't tell my
picturing you naked?
Oh, my pager
just went off. Bye, Drew.
How you doin', Drew?
I tried calling this morning.
You're not still upset over
this Oswald thing, are you?
Well, you know,
it's not like I'm jealous
or anything like that.
It's just that I'm finding out
I'm not so special to all
the special people in my life.
(Drew)
'And here I am walking around'
"Gee, what's
that heavy breathing
coming from Kate's room?
Oh, just the wind I guess."
Dup-dup-dup-dup.
"Gee, what's
the Navy doing outside
Miss Blankenship's office?
Oh, probably just a drill."
Dup-dup-dup-dup.
Come on, Drew.
Nobody was trying to hurt you.
Besides, you and I have lots of
secrets from Oswald and Lewis.
Remember Oswald's
losing lotto ticket?
I still have my ring.
Watch is still ticking.
Ha-ha-ha.
I'm so sorry
I didn't tell you.
I know. But this has been
a hell of a time for me.
I mean, first Lisa moves out,
and then Miss Blankenship dies.
In two weeks I've lost the first
person I ever had sex with
and then, probably the last.
Oh, come on, Drew,
you're gonna find someone else.
Yeah, how do you know?
Back in high school I thought
I'd be married to Farrah Fawcett
by now and own
my own roller disco.
Do you wanna hear another
secret I never told you?
No, if it's about you and Lewis
or you and Miss Blankenship
I don't wanna hear it.
No, it's about you and me.
I decided that if we
reached a certain age
and still hadn't found anyone..
I would ask you to marry me.
- What?
- You heard me.
Wait.
Are you serious about this?
Yeah.
Well, how old
are we talking about?
Let's lock in a number.
- Let's say, eighty. Seventy.
- Fifty? Sixty?
How old do you think you'll be
when you're too old to have sex?
The day after that,
I'll marry you.
Oh! What the heck,
the day before.
I do.
Hey, you know what they say
"When you're taken, they
always come looking for you."
- Hey, Julie.
- No.
Honey, I'm home.
[instrumental music]
[instrumental music]
- Mr. Carey?
- Billy, Billy Blankenship.
I'm, uh, sorry to bother you
when you're, uh, tuning up.
Should have heard us six beers
ago. Take five, cats.
Man, they just ain't hit to
what I'm laying down.
Dig, baby.
(Billy)
You know, my mom said
that you were
one of her favorite students.
- Oh, thanks.
- She wantedyouto have this.
Wow! Her baton. She must have
had this for like 30 years.
(Drew)
Oh, you don't know
how much this means to me.
Thanks for all
the beautiful music.
Aw. That's really nice.
Sure. Well, I gotta go.
[batons rattle]
Oh, she sure was handing out
a lot of these things, huh?
"Thanks for all
the beautiful music."
"Thanks for all
the beautiful music."
"Thanks for all
the really beautiful music."
Damn!