The Great North (2021) s02e06 Episode Script
Skidmark Holmes Adventure
1
- Look up there
- What do you see?
Nature and stuff
- Like a rock
- And a tree
Oh, the Great North
Way up here,
you can breathe the air
Catch some fish
Or gaze at a bear
Wow
Oh, the Great North
Here we live, oh, oh
Here we'll stay, oh, whoo
From longest night
to longest day
In the Great North.
JUDY: Alanis, good morning.
How are you? I'm good.
Just finished an appointment with my dentist.
I'm my dentist's therapist.
It's a long story.
Well, I'm glad you're here tonight because I'm throwing one of my world-famous parties, and you know how those get.
[chuckles.]
The time on the invitation says "until question mark," uh, for a reason.
[both howl.]
Your parties really are something else.
Like your Margot Martindale appreciation party where you taught your guests how to craft artisanal virgin Margot Martin-tinis.
And don't forget my truffle pigs party.
It was not easy burying 400 fake truffles in my backyard, but it was worth it to see everyone's painted pink faces light up when they found them.
And this evening will mark the zenith of an epic party-throwing career, for tonight I throw a [gasps.]
murder mystery party.
- [howls.]
- You said it.
Okay, well, I got to go put some more feathers in my cap, literally, because I made a period-accurate hat that's really gonna take tonight to the next level.
Yup.
Nothing gets a party started like an old hat.
[both howl.]
Okay, so you're covering appetizers, and for the main dish I'm ordering a pizza from DeGigantico's.
Everyone loves it because BOTH: It's-a too-a big-a! [ding.]
- What? - Oh, nothing, it's just Stacie B.
Ah, my old frenemy who is now too popular for yours Jude-ly.
[lofty accent.]
What doth she text? Ugh, it's a beer glass emoji and a puking face, aka an invite for her dumb party tonight.
But I'm having a party tonight.
Wait, does Stacie B's invite mean that she's going to have alcohol? - And puking? - I wouldn't worry.
Her last party was, like, whatever.
You went to her last party? Yeah, when you and your dad went ice climbing.
It wasn't even fun.
Stacie B wouldn't let anyone use the decorative towels in the bathroom, so we were all just walking around with wet hands.
- Cool.
- Oh, what's wrong? Did you fart? - Should I create a distraction? - No, it's just, is it weird you didn't tell me that you went? Well, I know you don't like her, and - Wait, are you texting her back? - No, I'm texting my mom.
She's asking me where I put the sour cream.
She's making smoked salmon spread for your party because, well, I was gonna surprise you tonight, but I got this chamber pot on eBay that's perfect to put dip in.
Salmon spread in an old toilet is exactly the vibe this party needs.
[Judy groans.]
[gasps.]
What is it, Judy? Are your stocks not performing well? No, Stacie B's parents are out of town, and everyone's going over there, and four people have bailed on my party.
I heard last time Stacie B had a party, some people found her dad's erotic coaster collection he bought in Amsterdam.
Sounds like a nightmare.
Well, Crispin and I will be at your murder mystery party with birds on.
I think it's actually bells.
Okay, but the bells might startle the birds.
[groans.]
What am I gonna do about the four noes? - Moon? - Yes, Judith? I know that you and your friends were going to be here - doing your role-playing game tonight - Lizards in the Library.
Right.
Do you think you could convince Henry, Russell, and Debbie to, as they say, revel in the salon? Fine, but only if you'll play with us next week.
We'll be down one because Debbie's going to ice-skating junior nationals.
She didn't qualify, but she's gonna go anyway to throw stuff at the people who did.
- [phone dings.]
- Oh, no, no one else can cancel.
Oh, phew, it's just spam asking if I want to meet "big-boobied singles in my area.
" "Maybe some other time.
" [knocking.]
- Oh, hello, Alyson.
- Oh, hello, Beef.
Just dropping by these props for Judy's big shindig tonight.
You guys are gonna have fun.
[laughs.]
Oh, not me.
I have strict instructions to stay out, so I've made a date to watch a movie in the guesthouse with Wolf and Honeybee.
Fun! What time should I get there? - What? - What time should I arrive for our date? - No, when I said "date", I was - 8:00? I might be a little late.
I'm helping a friend wash a bunch of dogs, - so, sorry if I arrive wet.
- Oh, boy.
I accidentally invited Alyson to hang out with us tonight, and she thinks it's a duh a duh Dude ranch? Dealer's choice? [gasps.]
Dinosaur-themed restaurant? - A date! Oh, God.
- Wait, isn't that a good thing? You two seem to have a little spark.
I can't tell.
Maybe she likes me a little, or maybe I'm just her plaything.
Either way, when she's around, it's like I'm floating outside of my body and I'm also floating outside of that body that's floating outside of the original body.
Beef, you're overwhelmed, so let's make the atmosphere of the date as unsexy as possible.
Great idea.
We'll turn the lights all the way up, and for snacks we've got some dried-out deli slices and the veggies from the back of the fridge.
They've turned.
Perfect.
And we'll play a really non-sensual game, like Jenga.
Okay, and I will just hang on for dear life.
KIMA: Good news.
The delivery girl was pulling up right when I got here.
Oh, and I brought this chamber pot of salmon dip and fry bread my mom made.
- Where should I put it? - Just over there.
Oh, no, maybe put it over there? Aah! I don't know.
I'm freaking out about this party! Are you kidding? This is gonna be the best historical party ever.
People are gonna be like, "Great Gatsby? More like Gross Bad-sby.
" [British accent.]
Welcome, everybody, to Goosey Gables! But where is the lady of the manor? JUDY: [British accent.]
Oh! I forgot I was having a fête ce soir! [laughs.]
Judy, just so I can plan out my night, - how long does this game take? - John.
[regular voice.]
Well, it says "hours of fun" on the box, but we could Wait, why? Are you going to Stacie B's? What? No.
- I mean, we aren't going now.
- "We"? You know watching people vomit is an interest of mine.
Guys, let's just focus on this party and how fun it is, okay? - Judy, you were saying? - Oh, okay.
Well, we can just skip over the scripted cocktail party banter, then.
It says here the first step is, we go around and introduce our characters.
- Ham, you start.
- [giggles.]
I'm Abby Sinthe, a party girl with a dark secret.
My catchphrase is "I'll try anything twice.
" - Hello, Abby.
Who's next? - I'll go.
[stilted.]
We are the circus freaks, brought to entertain you upper-class scum.
We may be from the circus, but we ain't a bunch of clowns.
Okay, it's my turn.
[with accent.]
'Ello, I'm a washer wench named Sally Potatoes.
[regular voice.]
Okay, I should have a bigger role.
I have a second cousin who actually murdered someone, not to mention a natural poetry to my speech.
[clears throat.]
I'll go next.
I'm Ty T.
Wad, a dangerously frugal butler.
And when it's time, I will reveal that I am, in fact, the murderer.
- Gill! - Gill.
- What? Oh.
- You just you just You ruined the whole game! Well, okay, I guess that's that.
The game's over.
Have fun at Stacie B's.
Great party, Judy.
Sorry it was terrible.
Guys, maybe take some pizza because it's-a too-a big.
[all scream.]
- GILL: That's not pizza! - Anyone want a slice of giant underwear with skid marks?! I'll try anything twice.
GILL: My God, what kind of monster would do something like this? KIMA: There's a note.
- Judy, grab it.
- [gasps.]
You're right.
That handwriting looks just like mine.
We're definitely dealing with a psychopath.
"You thought you'd have a big, fun party, "but things just got a little sharty.
"I've taken your hot n' cheesy "and left these drawers to make you queasy.
"Don't bother trying to pin me down.
I can't get caught, I'm not a clown.
" It says it's not a clown? Easy.
That means it is a clown.
One of the circus freaks.
Boom.
Oh, wait, that's me.
Not guilty.
If I wanted to show you guys my underwear with poop in it, - I'd just do it.
- Well, I'll tell you one thing no one's going anywhere until we find out who took our pizza and left us with this extra large mystery.
Uh, yeah, you would literally have to drag me out of here.
Oh.
So you guys aren't going to Stacie B's anymore? Now? Judy, we're being targeted by a creepy underpants maniac.
This is all I've ever wanted.
I'm scared.
Ham, please place your hand on my shoulder comfortingly.
- [thunderclap.]
- [gasping.]
Oh, sorry.
That's the text notification sound when my mom texts.
She wants to know if I took my gummy vitamin.
[thunderclap.]
And she asked if everyone was being nice.
Aw.
Yes! HONEYBEE: Okay, we've got bright light, gross meat, a single bowl of oatmeal, for some reason.
It's unsexy and confusing.
- We did an amazing job.
- [knocking.]
Who ordered a pair of giant jugs? - Oh, God.
- I brought chocolate milk.
Yeah! Let's get this party started! [groans.]
All right, so I was supposed to be the investigator in the game, but I guess I'll just walk us through the steps instead.
Step one is identify any possible suspects.
I know.
Maybe it was the people at the pizza place.
Maybe there's a crazy giant who works there, pooping and not wiping and then putting his underwear - or hers in boxes.
- Let's call.
- [phone rings.]
- CJ: Thanks for calling DeGigantico's Pizza.
It's-a too-a big! Uh-huh.
One sec.
Amelia, did you take the pizza out by Aspen Road? Does anyone else work here, Mom? Well, they want to know, did you take out the pizza and leave a big pair of underwear in the box? Nope.
Just a regular a-too big-a pizza.
No, my daughter says she didn't leave a big pair of underwear in the box, just a regular a-too big-a pizza.
But since you say you didn't get your pizza, we'll get a new one to you in 30 minutes.
It's-a bye-bye! Well, I guess it wasn't them.
That checks out.
When I carried it in, it was heavy, like pizza, not light, like underwear.
And you can see the grease stains.
The pizza was in here.
So if it wasn't the pizza ladies, you know what that means.
It's definitely one of us.
- This has Debbie written all over it.
- Ugh.
Just this morning, she called me a smelly skid mark.
- Me too.
- And me.
Which I loved.
Makes sense.
She's escalating.
Like a serial killer.
I called you all skid marks because that's what you are.
I mean, look at your faces.
Skid mark, skid mark, skid mark.
I don't make the news about your faces I just report it.
Stop! We're not getting anywhere accusing each other like this.
We need to move on to the next step, examining the physical evidence.
We've already looked at the box.
Now it's time to take a look at everyone's underwear.
I'm just gonna tell you right now, mine is a neck-to-ankle Richie Rich onesie and I refuse to be ashamed.
ALYSON: You know, the steadiest part of the human body is the mouth.
My God.
Say your farewells.
Your dad might die tonight.
Ooh.
Maybe I'll try one of these vegetables.
Oh, no.
Did I leave a whole zucchini on that platter? [chewing sounds.]
Weird.
But not sexual.
- Oh, my.
- Oh, no.
- It's working on him.
- Ooh! Deli meat! I like to bite a hole out of the center of the deli slice and lick around the edges.
It's where the good salt is.
Mmm.
- [chewing sounds.]
- Oh, Lord.
Excuse me for one moment.
[laughing.]
[muffled groaning.]
Okay.
So, anything and everything she's doing is working on you.
But you can still turn this around.
When you go back in there, bring up the least sexy thing you can think of.
I guess I could try.
What if I asked her if she'd like to whittle some hardwood sometime? - Beef, no.
- Yep, I'll think of something else.
Underwear on.
Check, check.
Russell.
Underwear, please.
Oh.
No, thank you.
Russell, we all showed our underwear, and I accidentally showed the top of my butt crack.
- For compliments.
- Well, it was very long.
Oh, thank you, sweetie.
Okay, okay, fine.
You got me.
I'm not wearing underwear! I have a clinically claustrophobic wiener! - It's diagnosed! - Guys, Russell is too much of a how do I put this kindly a doof to pull this off.
[sighs.]
Thank you, Henry.
Well, who did it then? We're getting nowhere.
- [doorbell rings.]
- [gasping.]
Oh, God.
Oh, right.
[chuckles.]
The new pizza.
Uh, my mom said you had underwear in your pizza, so we, like, legally had to replace it.
But this time I'm opening it in front of you and showing you that it's pizza and walking it all the way in, 'cause I'm not driving here again.
Wait, aren't you in our grade? Yeah.
Amelia.
I just started.
My mom used to homeschool me because she didn't want me around so many white kids.
But then we got to the trigonometric ratios chapter in algebra and she said, "You know what? I don't need this.
" - [gasping, screaming.]
- BETHANY: Now we're talkin'.
- HENRY: Aah! More underwear! - RUSSELL: Aah! The pizza! - [gasps.]
Pepper-oh-no-ni.
- We're all gonna die! Okay, what in the hell is going on here? Someone at this party has kidnapped and/or destroyed two pizzas and presented us with two pairs of defecated drawers.
Okay, wait, did somebody bring two pairs of poop underwear with them or did they poop during the party? And which is more diabolical? Uh, idea would you want to stay and be our investigator? You're not a suspect and you're obviously amazing at questions.
Oh, absolutely.
I could use a little break from my mom.
I love her, but, whenever she eats, she says [Scottish accent.]
"Get in ma belly" first.
- I've had enough.
- Okay.
Well, then [Scottish accent.]
get in ma party! I feel like you didn't hear a word I just said.
Sorry, sorry.
I'm sorry.
So we can backtrack to the step where the detective interrogates suspects.
- Sure.
- If you want, I could be your partner.
No, thank you.
I work alone.
- Oh, she's good.
- Trying to flatter me, huh? I'll talk to you first.
I've only known you for 13 minutes, but I've gathered that you love drama.
Enough to create some of your own? [gasps.]
How dare you.
Shove me up against a wall.
Shove me! I know it was you.
You're obsessed with underwear.
You think poop is hilarious.
Yeah.
You know who else does? A little lady named America.
You think I wanted big undies at my party?! - Well, I didn't.
- How do you explain this? Oh, this is a letter I wrote to my dad for Father's Day telling him I think he's doing a great job.
Well, I found it on the fridge, and it's very nice.
- Confess! - I never ate my twin in the womb like I've been claiming my whole life.
She just disappeared, and I miss her every damn day.
I downloaded Nights in Rodanthe when my parents went out one night.
I've seen things you wouldn't believe.
I'm just very content in my life right now.
I feel like I'm making great choices.
Why would you want to ruin Judy's party? I wouldn't! She's my best friend for life.
I'd rather cut off my own butt than ruin her party, and I love my butt.
Oh, I wish I did this.
It's the only good thing I've ever seen.
Okay! Once a month, I take a sip of my mom's perfume and then fill it with water so she doesn't notice! - Is that all? - Yes.
Wait, no.
I didn't invent iced tea.
I just really like it.
I've heard enough.
Honestly, I find it just as fun to put Jenga away as it is to play it.
I wonder why they never talk about that in the commercials.
Speaking of commercials, there was one for chicken breasts Permafrost! Um Anyone here interested in permafrost? Oh, yes.
Isn't it just amazing? Did you know permafrost can go as deep as two miles into the Earth? I didn't.
Why are you so interested in permafrost? - Oh.
It's dumb.
- It is certainly not dumb.
- It's un-dumb.
- I just I find it fascinating that way down in the Earth are these plants.
I mean, they're still alive, just, you know, waiting to be discovered and thawed out.
And, whenever I feel depressed, I just think about those little plants, and it cheers me up to know there's all this living stuff underneath us, just waiting to bloom.
I've never thought of it like that.
So, should we watch some old Arsenio Hall tapes or - Sweetheart, shut the hell up.
- Roger that.
- All right.
I'm ready to solve the mystery.
- Wait, wait, wait! While you were doing the interrogations, I looked in both pizza boxes again for clues and I found kitty litter.
I think somebody made those skid marks with cat poop.
Aw.
[singsongy.]
Who here has a cat? [gasps.]
Gill.
Gill has a cat.
[breathy chuckling.]
Oh.
Do I? Do I?! [cackling.]
Oh, my God.
A Ziploc of cat turds? - So you did it? - Yeah.
I did it.
- But why? - Why? Why?! Because I go to a million parties, Judy.
- A million? - And nobody even knows I'm there.
No one remembers me.
But, tonight, I made my mark.
My skid mark.
- How did you do it? - Like I just said people rarely know I'm even there.
So when the first pizza arrived, I just walked over, took it out and put a pair of my Grammy Beavers' underwear in it, which I pre-skid-marked with cat poop.
But, Gill, you've always had a big crush on Judy.
Why would you ruin her party? I guess I'm just a bad boy.
The kind that Judy likes.
- Nope.
- What? I said nope.
I'll tell you what's cat poop this confession.
And the cat poop [gasping, groaning.]
- Oh, my God! - No! - is delicious.
- What? - Huh? - Because it's chocolate.
And the fact that Gill has a crush on Judy was the final clue I needed to find the real culprit.
It wasn't you, Gill.
It was Kima.
- [thunderclap.]
- Huh? Sorry.
Mom again.
Making sure I put in my retainer.
But, Kima, why? How? You-you wanted to ruin my party? Uh-uh.
She did it because she wanted to save - your party.
- Oh.
I get it now.
It's okay if you don't get it, baby.
Okay.
Well, then I do not get it now.
Amelia's right.
The inspiration hit at school this morning.
I saw your face when you heard about Stacie B's party.
You were worried, and you had reason to be.
I love your parties, Judy.
Like the party where you gave us three hours to make our own newspaper.
Super stressful but super fun.
But we're getting older, and now the parties kids want to go to are basically just drinking and making out.
So, I wanted tonight to be unforgettable.
In the hallway, I told you I texted my mom, but, really, I texted Gill and asked if he wanted to help.
He texted back 45 heart emojis.
We were in business.
I met Gill out front.
He gave me the underwear.
I gave him the chocolate turds.
We made some marks.
Then I put the turds in my pocket.
KIMA: Then we stashed the pizza in Gill's car and put the underwear and the note in the box.
And then Gill cleverly outed himself as the murderer, ruining the murder mystery but starting the real party.
I am, in fact, the murderer.
But what about the second underwear? We weren't planning on a second pizza, - so we had to improvise.
- And as luck would have it, I had a second pair of undies in my backpack, because I love my Grammy Beavers and I always want to have her with me.
Okay, we're just not reacting to that? Okay.
Okay.
Okay.
After the phone call to the pizza place, I knew I had exactly 30 minutes.
So I had a quick sidebar with Gill.
AMELIA: When I walked in with the pizza, everyone was in the room except Kima.
I'll admit, I have no idea how she made the lights go off.
I know if you plug in two things in the bathroom at the same time JUDY: The fuse blows.
I remembered from when we played hair salon - and made paninis in there.
- When it went dark, I put the underwear in the box.
I felt so alive! AMELIA: And he threw the pizza at the wall.
When I heard Gill had a crush on Judy, it all fell into place.
I knew who had taken the fall for Kima's crazy scheme.
Someone who would do anything to make tonight fun.
You got some good friends here, Judy.
Well, I thought this murder mystery party was gonna be really dumb.
But this is only the second slow clap of my life.
The first is when my Aunt Katherine finally told my mom no one likes her lasagna.
She puts bananas in it! Anyway, great party, Judy.
I'm a little sad that no one vomited, but I enjoyed myself.
- [all agreeing.]
- That was a fun night.
Good night, Gill.
And thanks.
It was an honor to turd my grandma's underwear for you.
Okay.
[chuckles.]
So we're cool? Well, you're cool.
I'm just happy to be your kinda nerdy friend.
You're not my nerdy friend.
You're my best friend.
I mean, you're the only person who's ever come to me and my mom's very secret berry picking spot.
My dad doesn't even know where it is.
And I'll never tell him.
So, guys, if I call my mom, can I join this slumber party? I invite myself to things.
Homeschool! - I have no social skills.
- Then we have a lot in common.
So, I guess we're both interested in permafrost tunnels.
Yes, but it might be a mistake for us to go to one together right now.
Indeed.
It's been a long time since I, uh went into a permafrost tunnel.
Yes.
And I think I would want to visit a permafrost tunnel with you more than once and also talk to you, which is rare for me.
Well, I believe this is your car.
- That is a large rock.
- Correct.
Sorry.
You make me nervous.
You make me nervous, too.
Night, Beef.
[groaning.]
Mmm.
This pizza's not bad for being thrown against a wall.
Hey, Jude.
Heading to bed.
How was your party? There was a lot more underwear than we were expecting.
- How was your date? - It was too much and not enough.
You're a child I haven't seen before.
- Name's Amelia.
- Hello, Amelia.
Her family owns DeGigantico's.
I love that place.
It's-a too-a big-a.
Good night, ladies.
So, Amelia, when you bit into that cat poop, how sure were you that it was chocolate? Eh, 50%, 60%? Wow.
That is wild.
[chuckles.]
[Scottish accent.]
Get in ma friendship.
Judy.
No.
We are Period accurate hats Boo-boo-ba-doo Pretty as flowers And coy as cats A church cap to marry your first husband A widow's hat for when he's annoying and you bludgeon I'm a hat for shooting A hat for shading A hat for dining and a hat for promenading We are period accurate chapeaus What's under us? [chuckling.]
No one knows.
JUDY: Alanis, good morning.
How are you? I'm good.
Just finished an appointment with my dentist.
I'm my dentist's therapist.
It's a long story.
Well, I'm glad you're here tonight because I'm throwing one of my world-famous parties, and you know how those get.
[chuckles.]
The time on the invitation says "until question mark," uh, for a reason.
[both howl.]
Your parties really are something else.
Like your Margot Martindale appreciation party where you taught your guests how to craft artisanal virgin Margot Martin-tinis.
And don't forget my truffle pigs party.
It was not easy burying 400 fake truffles in my backyard, but it was worth it to see everyone's painted pink faces light up when they found them.
And this evening will mark the zenith of an epic party-throwing career, for tonight I throw a [gasps.]
murder mystery party.
- [howls.]
- You said it.
Okay, well, I got to go put some more feathers in my cap, literally, because I made a period-accurate hat that's really gonna take tonight to the next level.
Yup.
Nothing gets a party started like an old hat.
[both howl.]
Okay, so you're covering appetizers, and for the main dish I'm ordering a pizza from DeGigantico's.
Everyone loves it because BOTH: It's-a too-a big-a! [ding.]
- What? - Oh, nothing, it's just Stacie B.
Ah, my old frenemy who is now too popular for yours Jude-ly.
[lofty accent.]
What doth she text? Ugh, it's a beer glass emoji and a puking face, aka an invite for her dumb party tonight.
But I'm having a party tonight.
Wait, does Stacie B's invite mean that she's going to have alcohol? - And puking? - I wouldn't worry.
Her last party was, like, whatever.
You went to her last party? Yeah, when you and your dad went ice climbing.
It wasn't even fun.
Stacie B wouldn't let anyone use the decorative towels in the bathroom, so we were all just walking around with wet hands.
- Cool.
- Oh, what's wrong? Did you fart? - Should I create a distraction? - No, it's just, is it weird you didn't tell me that you went? Well, I know you don't like her, and - Wait, are you texting her back? - No, I'm texting my mom.
She's asking me where I put the sour cream.
She's making smoked salmon spread for your party because, well, I was gonna surprise you tonight, but I got this chamber pot on eBay that's perfect to put dip in.
Salmon spread in an old toilet is exactly the vibe this party needs.
[Judy groans.]
[gasps.]
What is it, Judy? Are your stocks not performing well? No, Stacie B's parents are out of town, and everyone's going over there, and four people have bailed on my party.
I heard last time Stacie B had a party, some people found her dad's erotic coaster collection he bought in Amsterdam.
Sounds like a nightmare.
Well, Crispin and I will be at your murder mystery party with birds on.
I think it's actually bells.
Okay, but the bells might startle the birds.
[groans.]
What am I gonna do about the four noes? - Moon? - Yes, Judith? I know that you and your friends were going to be here - doing your role-playing game tonight - Lizards in the Library.
Right.
Do you think you could convince Henry, Russell, and Debbie to, as they say, revel in the salon? Fine, but only if you'll play with us next week.
We'll be down one because Debbie's going to ice-skating junior nationals.
She didn't qualify, but she's gonna go anyway to throw stuff at the people who did.
- [phone dings.]
- Oh, no, no one else can cancel.
Oh, phew, it's just spam asking if I want to meet "big-boobied singles in my area.
" "Maybe some other time.
" [knocking.]
- Oh, hello, Alyson.
- Oh, hello, Beef.
Just dropping by these props for Judy's big shindig tonight.
You guys are gonna have fun.
[laughs.]
Oh, not me.
I have strict instructions to stay out, so I've made a date to watch a movie in the guesthouse with Wolf and Honeybee.
Fun! What time should I get there? - What? - What time should I arrive for our date? - No, when I said "date", I was - 8:00? I might be a little late.
I'm helping a friend wash a bunch of dogs, - so, sorry if I arrive wet.
- Oh, boy.
I accidentally invited Alyson to hang out with us tonight, and she thinks it's a duh a duh Dude ranch? Dealer's choice? [gasps.]
Dinosaur-themed restaurant? - A date! Oh, God.
- Wait, isn't that a good thing? You two seem to have a little spark.
I can't tell.
Maybe she likes me a little, or maybe I'm just her plaything.
Either way, when she's around, it's like I'm floating outside of my body and I'm also floating outside of that body that's floating outside of the original body.
Beef, you're overwhelmed, so let's make the atmosphere of the date as unsexy as possible.
Great idea.
We'll turn the lights all the way up, and for snacks we've got some dried-out deli slices and the veggies from the back of the fridge.
They've turned.
Perfect.
And we'll play a really non-sensual game, like Jenga.
Okay, and I will just hang on for dear life.
KIMA: Good news.
The delivery girl was pulling up right when I got here.
Oh, and I brought this chamber pot of salmon dip and fry bread my mom made.
- Where should I put it? - Just over there.
Oh, no, maybe put it over there? Aah! I don't know.
I'm freaking out about this party! Are you kidding? This is gonna be the best historical party ever.
People are gonna be like, "Great Gatsby? More like Gross Bad-sby.
" [British accent.]
Welcome, everybody, to Goosey Gables! But where is the lady of the manor? JUDY: [British accent.]
Oh! I forgot I was having a fête ce soir! [laughs.]
Judy, just so I can plan out my night, - how long does this game take? - John.
[regular voice.]
Well, it says "hours of fun" on the box, but we could Wait, why? Are you going to Stacie B's? What? No.
- I mean, we aren't going now.
- "We"? You know watching people vomit is an interest of mine.
Guys, let's just focus on this party and how fun it is, okay? - Judy, you were saying? - Oh, okay.
Well, we can just skip over the scripted cocktail party banter, then.
It says here the first step is, we go around and introduce our characters.
- Ham, you start.
- [giggles.]
I'm Abby Sinthe, a party girl with a dark secret.
My catchphrase is "I'll try anything twice.
" - Hello, Abby.
Who's next? - I'll go.
[stilted.]
We are the circus freaks, brought to entertain you upper-class scum.
We may be from the circus, but we ain't a bunch of clowns.
Okay, it's my turn.
[with accent.]
'Ello, I'm a washer wench named Sally Potatoes.
[regular voice.]
Okay, I should have a bigger role.
I have a second cousin who actually murdered someone, not to mention a natural poetry to my speech.
[clears throat.]
I'll go next.
I'm Ty T.
Wad, a dangerously frugal butler.
And when it's time, I will reveal that I am, in fact, the murderer.
- Gill! - Gill.
- What? Oh.
- You just you just You ruined the whole game! Well, okay, I guess that's that.
The game's over.
Have fun at Stacie B's.
Great party, Judy.
Sorry it was terrible.
Guys, maybe take some pizza because it's-a too-a big.
[all scream.]
- GILL: That's not pizza! - Anyone want a slice of giant underwear with skid marks?! I'll try anything twice.
GILL: My God, what kind of monster would do something like this? KIMA: There's a note.
- Judy, grab it.
- [gasps.]
You're right.
That handwriting looks just like mine.
We're definitely dealing with a psychopath.
"You thought you'd have a big, fun party, "but things just got a little sharty.
"I've taken your hot n' cheesy "and left these drawers to make you queasy.
"Don't bother trying to pin me down.
I can't get caught, I'm not a clown.
" It says it's not a clown? Easy.
That means it is a clown.
One of the circus freaks.
Boom.
Oh, wait, that's me.
Not guilty.
If I wanted to show you guys my underwear with poop in it, - I'd just do it.
- Well, I'll tell you one thing no one's going anywhere until we find out who took our pizza and left us with this extra large mystery.
Uh, yeah, you would literally have to drag me out of here.
Oh.
So you guys aren't going to Stacie B's anymore? Now? Judy, we're being targeted by a creepy underpants maniac.
This is all I've ever wanted.
I'm scared.
Ham, please place your hand on my shoulder comfortingly.
- [thunderclap.]
- [gasping.]
Oh, sorry.
That's the text notification sound when my mom texts.
She wants to know if I took my gummy vitamin.
[thunderclap.]
And she asked if everyone was being nice.
Aw.
Yes! HONEYBEE: Okay, we've got bright light, gross meat, a single bowl of oatmeal, for some reason.
It's unsexy and confusing.
- We did an amazing job.
- [knocking.]
Who ordered a pair of giant jugs? - Oh, God.
- I brought chocolate milk.
Yeah! Let's get this party started! [groans.]
All right, so I was supposed to be the investigator in the game, but I guess I'll just walk us through the steps instead.
Step one is identify any possible suspects.
I know.
Maybe it was the people at the pizza place.
Maybe there's a crazy giant who works there, pooping and not wiping and then putting his underwear - or hers in boxes.
- Let's call.
- [phone rings.]
- CJ: Thanks for calling DeGigantico's Pizza.
It's-a too-a big! Uh-huh.
One sec.
Amelia, did you take the pizza out by Aspen Road? Does anyone else work here, Mom? Well, they want to know, did you take out the pizza and leave a big pair of underwear in the box? Nope.
Just a regular a-too big-a pizza.
No, my daughter says she didn't leave a big pair of underwear in the box, just a regular a-too big-a pizza.
But since you say you didn't get your pizza, we'll get a new one to you in 30 minutes.
It's-a bye-bye! Well, I guess it wasn't them.
That checks out.
When I carried it in, it was heavy, like pizza, not light, like underwear.
And you can see the grease stains.
The pizza was in here.
So if it wasn't the pizza ladies, you know what that means.
It's definitely one of us.
- This has Debbie written all over it.
- Ugh.
Just this morning, she called me a smelly skid mark.
- Me too.
- And me.
Which I loved.
Makes sense.
She's escalating.
Like a serial killer.
I called you all skid marks because that's what you are.
I mean, look at your faces.
Skid mark, skid mark, skid mark.
I don't make the news about your faces I just report it.
Stop! We're not getting anywhere accusing each other like this.
We need to move on to the next step, examining the physical evidence.
We've already looked at the box.
Now it's time to take a look at everyone's underwear.
I'm just gonna tell you right now, mine is a neck-to-ankle Richie Rich onesie and I refuse to be ashamed.
ALYSON: You know, the steadiest part of the human body is the mouth.
My God.
Say your farewells.
Your dad might die tonight.
Ooh.
Maybe I'll try one of these vegetables.
Oh, no.
Did I leave a whole zucchini on that platter? [chewing sounds.]
Weird.
But not sexual.
- Oh, my.
- Oh, no.
- It's working on him.
- Ooh! Deli meat! I like to bite a hole out of the center of the deli slice and lick around the edges.
It's where the good salt is.
Mmm.
- [chewing sounds.]
- Oh, Lord.
Excuse me for one moment.
[laughing.]
[muffled groaning.]
Okay.
So, anything and everything she's doing is working on you.
But you can still turn this around.
When you go back in there, bring up the least sexy thing you can think of.
I guess I could try.
What if I asked her if she'd like to whittle some hardwood sometime? - Beef, no.
- Yep, I'll think of something else.
Underwear on.
Check, check.
Russell.
Underwear, please.
Oh.
No, thank you.
Russell, we all showed our underwear, and I accidentally showed the top of my butt crack.
- For compliments.
- Well, it was very long.
Oh, thank you, sweetie.
Okay, okay, fine.
You got me.
I'm not wearing underwear! I have a clinically claustrophobic wiener! - It's diagnosed! - Guys, Russell is too much of a how do I put this kindly a doof to pull this off.
[sighs.]
Thank you, Henry.
Well, who did it then? We're getting nowhere.
- [doorbell rings.]
- [gasping.]
Oh, God.
Oh, right.
[chuckles.]
The new pizza.
Uh, my mom said you had underwear in your pizza, so we, like, legally had to replace it.
But this time I'm opening it in front of you and showing you that it's pizza and walking it all the way in, 'cause I'm not driving here again.
Wait, aren't you in our grade? Yeah.
Amelia.
I just started.
My mom used to homeschool me because she didn't want me around so many white kids.
But then we got to the trigonometric ratios chapter in algebra and she said, "You know what? I don't need this.
" - [gasping, screaming.]
- BETHANY: Now we're talkin'.
- HENRY: Aah! More underwear! - RUSSELL: Aah! The pizza! - [gasps.]
Pepper-oh-no-ni.
- We're all gonna die! Okay, what in the hell is going on here? Someone at this party has kidnapped and/or destroyed two pizzas and presented us with two pairs of defecated drawers.
Okay, wait, did somebody bring two pairs of poop underwear with them or did they poop during the party? And which is more diabolical? Uh, idea would you want to stay and be our investigator? You're not a suspect and you're obviously amazing at questions.
Oh, absolutely.
I could use a little break from my mom.
I love her, but, whenever she eats, she says [Scottish accent.]
"Get in ma belly" first.
- I've had enough.
- Okay.
Well, then [Scottish accent.]
get in ma party! I feel like you didn't hear a word I just said.
Sorry, sorry.
I'm sorry.
So we can backtrack to the step where the detective interrogates suspects.
- Sure.
- If you want, I could be your partner.
No, thank you.
I work alone.
- Oh, she's good.
- Trying to flatter me, huh? I'll talk to you first.
I've only known you for 13 minutes, but I've gathered that you love drama.
Enough to create some of your own? [gasps.]
How dare you.
Shove me up against a wall.
Shove me! I know it was you.
You're obsessed with underwear.
You think poop is hilarious.
Yeah.
You know who else does? A little lady named America.
You think I wanted big undies at my party?! - Well, I didn't.
- How do you explain this? Oh, this is a letter I wrote to my dad for Father's Day telling him I think he's doing a great job.
Well, I found it on the fridge, and it's very nice.
- Confess! - I never ate my twin in the womb like I've been claiming my whole life.
She just disappeared, and I miss her every damn day.
I downloaded Nights in Rodanthe when my parents went out one night.
I've seen things you wouldn't believe.
I'm just very content in my life right now.
I feel like I'm making great choices.
Why would you want to ruin Judy's party? I wouldn't! She's my best friend for life.
I'd rather cut off my own butt than ruin her party, and I love my butt.
Oh, I wish I did this.
It's the only good thing I've ever seen.
Okay! Once a month, I take a sip of my mom's perfume and then fill it with water so she doesn't notice! - Is that all? - Yes.
Wait, no.
I didn't invent iced tea.
I just really like it.
I've heard enough.
Honestly, I find it just as fun to put Jenga away as it is to play it.
I wonder why they never talk about that in the commercials.
Speaking of commercials, there was one for chicken breasts Permafrost! Um Anyone here interested in permafrost? Oh, yes.
Isn't it just amazing? Did you know permafrost can go as deep as two miles into the Earth? I didn't.
Why are you so interested in permafrost? - Oh.
It's dumb.
- It is certainly not dumb.
- It's un-dumb.
- I just I find it fascinating that way down in the Earth are these plants.
I mean, they're still alive, just, you know, waiting to be discovered and thawed out.
And, whenever I feel depressed, I just think about those little plants, and it cheers me up to know there's all this living stuff underneath us, just waiting to bloom.
I've never thought of it like that.
So, should we watch some old Arsenio Hall tapes or - Sweetheart, shut the hell up.
- Roger that.
- All right.
I'm ready to solve the mystery.
- Wait, wait, wait! While you were doing the interrogations, I looked in both pizza boxes again for clues and I found kitty litter.
I think somebody made those skid marks with cat poop.
Aw.
[singsongy.]
Who here has a cat? [gasps.]
Gill.
Gill has a cat.
[breathy chuckling.]
Oh.
Do I? Do I?! [cackling.]
Oh, my God.
A Ziploc of cat turds? - So you did it? - Yeah.
I did it.
- But why? - Why? Why?! Because I go to a million parties, Judy.
- A million? - And nobody even knows I'm there.
No one remembers me.
But, tonight, I made my mark.
My skid mark.
- How did you do it? - Like I just said people rarely know I'm even there.
So when the first pizza arrived, I just walked over, took it out and put a pair of my Grammy Beavers' underwear in it, which I pre-skid-marked with cat poop.
But, Gill, you've always had a big crush on Judy.
Why would you ruin her party? I guess I'm just a bad boy.
The kind that Judy likes.
- Nope.
- What? I said nope.
I'll tell you what's cat poop this confession.
And the cat poop [gasping, groaning.]
- Oh, my God! - No! - is delicious.
- What? - Huh? - Because it's chocolate.
And the fact that Gill has a crush on Judy was the final clue I needed to find the real culprit.
It wasn't you, Gill.
It was Kima.
- [thunderclap.]
- Huh? Sorry.
Mom again.
Making sure I put in my retainer.
But, Kima, why? How? You-you wanted to ruin my party? Uh-uh.
She did it because she wanted to save - your party.
- Oh.
I get it now.
It's okay if you don't get it, baby.
Okay.
Well, then I do not get it now.
Amelia's right.
The inspiration hit at school this morning.
I saw your face when you heard about Stacie B's party.
You were worried, and you had reason to be.
I love your parties, Judy.
Like the party where you gave us three hours to make our own newspaper.
Super stressful but super fun.
But we're getting older, and now the parties kids want to go to are basically just drinking and making out.
So, I wanted tonight to be unforgettable.
In the hallway, I told you I texted my mom, but, really, I texted Gill and asked if he wanted to help.
He texted back 45 heart emojis.
We were in business.
I met Gill out front.
He gave me the underwear.
I gave him the chocolate turds.
We made some marks.
Then I put the turds in my pocket.
KIMA: Then we stashed the pizza in Gill's car and put the underwear and the note in the box.
And then Gill cleverly outed himself as the murderer, ruining the murder mystery but starting the real party.
I am, in fact, the murderer.
But what about the second underwear? We weren't planning on a second pizza, - so we had to improvise.
- And as luck would have it, I had a second pair of undies in my backpack, because I love my Grammy Beavers and I always want to have her with me.
Okay, we're just not reacting to that? Okay.
Okay.
Okay.
After the phone call to the pizza place, I knew I had exactly 30 minutes.
So I had a quick sidebar with Gill.
AMELIA: When I walked in with the pizza, everyone was in the room except Kima.
I'll admit, I have no idea how she made the lights go off.
I know if you plug in two things in the bathroom at the same time JUDY: The fuse blows.
I remembered from when we played hair salon - and made paninis in there.
- When it went dark, I put the underwear in the box.
I felt so alive! AMELIA: And he threw the pizza at the wall.
When I heard Gill had a crush on Judy, it all fell into place.
I knew who had taken the fall for Kima's crazy scheme.
Someone who would do anything to make tonight fun.
You got some good friends here, Judy.
Well, I thought this murder mystery party was gonna be really dumb.
But this is only the second slow clap of my life.
The first is when my Aunt Katherine finally told my mom no one likes her lasagna.
She puts bananas in it! Anyway, great party, Judy.
I'm a little sad that no one vomited, but I enjoyed myself.
- [all agreeing.]
- That was a fun night.
Good night, Gill.
And thanks.
It was an honor to turd my grandma's underwear for you.
Okay.
[chuckles.]
So we're cool? Well, you're cool.
I'm just happy to be your kinda nerdy friend.
You're not my nerdy friend.
You're my best friend.
I mean, you're the only person who's ever come to me and my mom's very secret berry picking spot.
My dad doesn't even know where it is.
And I'll never tell him.
So, guys, if I call my mom, can I join this slumber party? I invite myself to things.
Homeschool! - I have no social skills.
- Then we have a lot in common.
So, I guess we're both interested in permafrost tunnels.
Yes, but it might be a mistake for us to go to one together right now.
Indeed.
It's been a long time since I, uh went into a permafrost tunnel.
Yes.
And I think I would want to visit a permafrost tunnel with you more than once and also talk to you, which is rare for me.
Well, I believe this is your car.
- That is a large rock.
- Correct.
Sorry.
You make me nervous.
You make me nervous, too.
Night, Beef.
[groaning.]
Mmm.
This pizza's not bad for being thrown against a wall.
Hey, Jude.
Heading to bed.
How was your party? There was a lot more underwear than we were expecting.
- How was your date? - It was too much and not enough.
You're a child I haven't seen before.
- Name's Amelia.
- Hello, Amelia.
Her family owns DeGigantico's.
I love that place.
It's-a too-a big-a.
Good night, ladies.
So, Amelia, when you bit into that cat poop, how sure were you that it was chocolate? Eh, 50%, 60%? Wow.
That is wild.
[chuckles.]
[Scottish accent.]
Get in ma friendship.
Judy.
No.
We are Period accurate hats Boo-boo-ba-doo Pretty as flowers And coy as cats A church cap to marry your first husband A widow's hat for when he's annoying and you bludgeon I'm a hat for shooting A hat for shading A hat for dining and a hat for promenading We are period accurate chapeaus What's under us? [chuckling.]
No one knows.