The Guest Book (2017) s02e06 Episode Script
Invisible Son
1 CLEM: Dear everyone, just because you think I'm a weirdo doesn't mean I am.
In fact, if you look at my life, I think you'll see I'm very normal.
I pick out my own clothes every morning, like a normal person.
[FLIES BUZZING.]
I have a job, like a normal person.
- - I date, like a normal person.
In fact, I've been seeing the same girl for six months now.
- - I have a normal hobby Darts.
And every night, I do what all normal people do I watch episodes of my favorite TV show.
ANNOUNCER: What happens when everyone's favorite pro wrestler, Captain Preposterous Whoo, doggie! ANNOUNCER: becomes a stepfather? You're not my dad! I'll show side boob if I want to show side boob.
You get a blended family where the preposterousness never ends.
[SINGING.]
"The Preposterouses"! Has anyone seen my good cape? I'll help you find it.
CLEM: Come to think of it, the only thing that isn't normal about me is my relationship with my family.
[PHONE BEEPS.]
WOMAN: Hey, Clem, it's me.
How you doing, stranger? We're renting a beach house this weekend, and we'd love to see you.
I'll text you the address.
Maybe you can bring that girl we've heard about.
- - [FLIES BUZZING.]
Hey, thanks so much for doing this.
I haven't seen my family in a long time, and my mom thinks I have a girlfriend.
Are you kidding? This is gonna be fun.
I usually only get to meet clients' families if they die at the club.
Besides, I like you.
You're my only regular who doesn't take his wiener out and play with it.
Unless you don't have a wiener.
Do you have a wiener? I-I do.
I-I ha I have a wiener.
Then, you're quite the gentleman.
I don't understand what the big deal is.
I mean, so I stole Vivian's mail.
Who cares? Well, uh, Vivian.
I mean, Vivian cares.
I mean, you ran off with her new credit card.
I mean, if you wanted new shoes so bad, you should have just stolen shoes.
Yeah, well, I didn't think that through, obviously.
[SIGHS.]
Hopefully, we can get her to drop the charges.
But until then, you have to get me out of here.
Okay, with what? Bail is $50,000.
And a bail bondsman's even gonna charge 10% of that.
So, that's basically everything we have in the whole wedding fund.
I mean, goodbye chocolate foundation.
Cut it out.
Let's wrap it up.
We need this room for a strip search.
[BABY FUSSES.]
Here.
Just give me a second.
- Why? - Just give me a sec.
- Why? - Because I need a second.
- Why? - Because I do.
Why? Because there were two women in the hallway who were making out, and now I have a boner.
And I don't want to hold my son while I have a boner.
Okay, well, why didn't you just say so? Let me know when it's gone.
[SIGHS.]
Yeah, the girls in here are really horny.
I mean, one of them keeps calling me her little kitty and saying she wants to lick me all over You're just prolonging this.
[FLIES BUZZING.]
[SIGHS.]
Well, if we're gonna pretend to be dating, we should probably know some stuff about each other.
Like, I'm allergic to laundry detergent, I like darts, and I still have two of my baby teeth.
Wow.
Oh, oh! And my name's Clem.
Got it.
Yeah.
Clem.
Oh, well, my real name is Dorothy.
I grew up in the mountains, but I moved when the bikini bar closed.
I'm allergic to horsehair carpet, my favorite color is smoky lavender, and I bleach my butthole.
Really? Well, from my side of the glass, it looks very natural.
Thanks.
I got a great butthole guy, if you want his number.
Good to know.
EDDIE: Okay.
Yeah, well, I got to go.
Bye.
[BELL RINGS.]
Whoa! Where'd you get that? Got it from some triplets who were sick of fighting over it.
You were saying you get lonely when I'm out delivering food, so I thought, this way, you could come with me sometimes.
Sometimes? How about all the time? You can steer.
I'll sit on the back and feed you Pringles when you get hungry partners.
We'll split tips 50-50.
Yeah, o-okay.
I usually just pull over to the sidewalk to enjoy my chips.
But okay.
Hey, have you seen my Washington Capitals T-shirt? It's really soft, so I like to wear it in the morning when I'm sitting quietly on the beach thinking about nothing for 20 minutes.
You mean meditating.
What's meditating? Oh! Oh! I'm also allergic to nuts All of them.
Except for raisins.
Are raisins nuts? Well, maybe not technically, but they're always hanging out together.
I think they're, like, food cousins.
Hmm.
Oh, uh, there's one last thing I should warn you about my family Uh, there's a very strong chance that we might Whoo! Don't Never mind.
It's just Clem.
be on TV? CLEM: I suppose you could argue that keeping a big part of your life secret from the rest of the world isn't normal, but I guess I'm worried no one would believe me.
[MOTOR WHIRRING.]
[WHIRRING STOPS.]
Clem, you came! Are you alone? - Uh no.
- Hey, Clem.
Who's your friend? Sinnomin.
[CINNAMON.]
Ah, uh is her, uh, favorite spice, but her real name is Dorothy.
Nice to meet you, Dorothy.
I like nutmeg.
Wait a minute.
I've seen this show.
Yo-You're the wrestler who's always saying Whooooooooooooooo, doggie! Yep.
And you're the one that always says Suck my puss! Nice to meet you.
I like that eye shadow.
What color is that? Smoky lavender.
I can't believe this.
I love you guys.
I-I've been saving up to buy one of those electric lip plumpers you do the commercials for.
Don't be silly.
A friend of Clem's doesn't pay for fuller lips.
Oh, my God.
Thank you! You just saved me seven easy payments of $29.
99 plus the shipping and handling.
Shipping and handling is where they get you.
Handling isn't even a thing.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
Can we do the meet and greet later? That's the food-delivery guy, and we're trying to create a little preposterousness.
Picture's up! Clem, you and your friend can go wait upstairs in the bedroom.
Oh.
All right.
Sure.
Um, come on.
Oh.
What are we supposed to do with this guy? I don't know.
Just try and rile him up and we'll see where it goes.
I hope your dumb ass brought duck sauce.
Uh, no.
This isn't Chinese food.
Aw, hell no.
You better not be bringing the race card into this.
Whooooooooooooooo, doggie! [WHISPERING.]
I think I have some duck sauce back in my van if you want to go back.
Hey, guys, can you step in? You're kind of in a bad light, there.
I can't believe this.
Captain Prepostitous is your father? No.
Uh, my real dad took off when I was two.
But it's kind of a long story.
As a child, I had a condition that left me with bald spots.
And because of that, people thought I was weird.
So, I usually just stayed inside with my sister.
We loved wrestling, and our favorite wrestler was Captain Preposterous.
Signature move! - [CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS.]
- So, when he came to town, my mother took me to meet him.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
It turned out Captain Preposterous was a real romantic.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
And it didn't take long for him to pop the question.
Just like that, we were a family A family that Captain Preposterous thought should have their own reality show.
So, there I am, getting scolded for speaking out of turn in the middle of a PTA meeting.
Me, getting scolded! Can you imagine? That is hilarious.
I am sold.
And now that "Hogan Knows Best" has been cancelled, there's a Hulk-sized hole in the market.
Before I knew it, there were cameras filming everyone in the house.
Hold! Well, almost everyone.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I didn't know you guys were in here.
Someone at the network thought the weird little bald kid distracted from the rest of the family.
Action! The show became a hit, and for for last eight years, it's all they do.
CAPTAIN PREPOSTEROUS: She can stay on the floor.
I don't care.
Watching TV became the only way for me to spend time with them.
But then, a few months ago, I-I started taking this medicine for my hair loss, you know? So, I figured, if I came back with a girlfriend, then maybe they would finally think I was normal and maybe let me be on their TV show.
TIFFANY: You better suck my puss! I'm sorry.
Suck your what? [WHISPERING.]
I think she said her puss.
[CHUCKLES.]
And her parents are right there.
[BOTH CHUCKLING.]
- This isn't working.
- Fine.
Cut.
I thought we'd try and capture something real for once.
Never mind.
Gail, get everybody a copy of the script for the séance scene.
Guys, I need you to sign this release form in case we use any of that.
We might be on TV? - I hope not.
- Oh, I can't.
I told my parents I've been attending law school in Connecticut, so If they see this, they're gonna want to talk.
We're gonna get Mommy out of jail, okay? - [BABY FUSSING.]
- All right.
Okay.
There we go.
We did it.
All right.
[SIGHS.]
Vivian! [SNIFFS.]
Vivian, I know you're in there.
Why did Eddie have to show up and take you away from me? I'm sure you're probably upset because Nikki stole your mail, but I can explain the whole thing.
I was doing everything right Acting like a lady, waiting for you to make the first move - [MUFFLED.]
- Vivian! She's sick, okay? She's She's addicted to shoe shopping.
pretending to be all sweet and innocent.
Oh, yeah, you like that.
I shredded her credit cards, but it forced her to get one somewhere else.
You're perfect.
Did you know that? Not, like, perfect perfect, but, like, perfect for me, because I am a little older than you.
But you're also kind of really, really, really, really dumb and also homeless, which is a dealbreaker for a lot of women other than me.
Come here.
Shh.
Come here.
Shh.
Come here.
Vi-Vivian, I think I saw you move.
- What the hell is that? - This is an O-I-jee board.
- Ouija [WEE-JEE.]
board.
- Ouija [WEE-JEE.]
board.
You won't listen to me, so I thought we'd ask your real dad if you should go to college.
That's why we came to the beach for the weekend, honey.
Since your dad died on a boat, this is the Line! "This is the closest we can get to his spirit "without getting our hair wet.
" This is the closest we can get to his spirit without getting our hair wet.
- Washington.
- [CLICKS.]
- White House.
- [CLICKS.]
This is bullshit.
You should be out there pretending to talk to your dead dad.
Have you told them that you want to be on the show? No.
I mean, I've had the conversation, like, a thousand times in my head.
I'm I'm just too much of a pussy to say anything out loud.
That's crazy.
Hey, you're not a pussy.
You asked me to come here and pretend to be your girlfriend.
That took a lot of guts.
- Really? - Yeah.
You don't know me.
Halfway here, I could have taken out a knife and robbed you.
That's, like, a real possibility.
I have a knife in my purse, and I've robbed people before.
Well, thanks, but I didn't really ask you.
I-I wrote it down on a piece of paper.
It's It's much easier than actually talking.
So write it down.
Here.
- Serious? - Yeah.
Why not? But don't just ask to be on the show.
First, you need to convince them that you're not a weirdo.
Dear everyone, just because you think I'm a weirdo - doesn't mean I am.
- [MOTOR WHIRRING.]
In fact, if you look at my life, - I think you'll see I'm very normal.
- [LAUGHING.]
I pick out my own clothes every morning, like a normal person.
- I have a job, like a normal person.
- [LAUGHING CONTINUOUS.]
I date, like a normal person.
No.
You're spelling "Annapolis" wrong again.
Clem has something he wants you all to read.
Guys, can we just get a minute? Clem, what is this? That? Nothing.
Nothing.
Nothing important.
What? No, Clem, you got You He wants to be on the show.
You can't just pretend he doesn't exist because you think he's weird.
He's your family.
- Our family? - [SIGHS.]
- Clem, what did you tell her? - Nothing.
Nothing.
Clem? What did What did you tell her, huh? Please stop Please stop talking.
Suck my puss.
Suck my puss.
Whoooooooooo, doggie! Mm! Clem, it's okay.
I'm gonna call your mother.
I'm gonna call your mother! I thought you were his mother.
I think you're just confused.
I think you're confused.
Uh, what the hell is going on here? It's a long story.
You're a long story! LORETTA: We met Clem when he was 13.
Signature move! His mother, Diane, was our housekeeper, and she would bring Clem to work because Well, he had some issues The worst being that he would eat his hair whenever he got upset, which was a lot.
Anyway, I felt bad for Diane, so I tried to include her and Clem when I could.
[GASPS.]
But once we started filming the show, it became difficult to have Clem around.
He kept finding excuses to sneak on camera.
Hold! Oh, I'm sorry.
I didn't know you guys were in here.
Plus, in season three, we had to get rid of Diane because the network wanted to add some sexy diversity.
Diane understood, but Clem didn't.
Come on.
Here you go, Clem.
Clem! Come on! Clem! We got to go! Hey! Come on! [STRAINING.]
Diane and I still keep in touch, though.
Last we spoke, Clem's shrink had him on anti-psychotic meds that control the hair eating as long he avoids stressful situations, like picking out clothes.
She also said he has a job.
He's been seeing a girl.
He even has a hobby.
And he never misses an episode of our show.
So, I thought it would be nice to try and see him while we were in town.
[ON ANSWERING MACHINE.]
I'll text you the address.
Maybe you can bring that girl we've heard about.
And please tell your mom to come, too.
- Bye.
- [CLICKS.]
Who was that on the phone? DMV.
Uh, uh, you got You got to call them back.
Ask for Rick.
- [BEEPS.]
- COMPUTERIZED VOICE: Message deleted.
His mother told me he used to like to pretend that he was related to us.
I thought it was sweet.
I didn't actually think he believed it.
Maybe we should call the cops.
Not yet.
Clem, can you tell me how you're feeling right now? Leave him alone.
Clem, I'm gonna call your mom.
No! I'm staying here, with Captain Preposterous and my family.
We're not your family, Clem.
So, just calm down, or we're gonna have to call the police.
Stay back! [CLATTERS.]
[GRUNTS.]
Whoooooo, doggie! [GRUNTS.]
[BREATHING HEAVILY.]
Sorry.
Once I start, my signature-move muscle memory kicks in.
I got to finish.
[COUGHS.]
[RADIO CHATTER.]
Buddy, that was awesome.
It's the most real this show has ever been.
It's gonna be our best episode yet.
I'm gonna be on TV? With Captain Preposterous? Yep.
You're gonna be a star.
I just need you to sign this release.
Are you going to use the part where he uses his signature move to immobilize me? Are you kidding? I think it's gonna be the act break.
Put the pen in my mouth.
When I didn't hear back, went and packed my bags And I started on my search Yeah, I'm bound to find you and remind you That living without you is the worst No, no, no, no, no, no I ain't letting go We were meant to be This is destiny I know you know I ain't letting go I found your cellphone records, utility bill And prescriptions for some sleeping pills Yeah, I'm getting close My love's like rock 'n' roll - [RETCHES.]
- It never dies It never dies, no No, no, no, no, no, no I ain't letting go We were meant to be This is destiny I know you know I ain't letting go Lace up my boots I battled for you It's what I do Hey.
I'm here to pick up the keys for Bare Feet Retreat.
Okay.
Well, I hope you're here for the music festival.
If not, you picked the wrong weekend.
It gets a little crazy.
Oh, no.
We're We're here for Beacharoo.
We might, uh, look like a couple of boring parents, but she has a tramp stamp from Coachella and I got my nipple pierced at the mall.
Okay.
Great.
Well, I'll just find the keys.
Yeah, I'll keep you safe Smile on that pretty face Are we sure he's old enough for this? He still sucks his thumb.
That's exactly why this is a good idea.
Boy's got to grow up sometime.
I ain't letting go I ain't letting go No, I ain't letting go
In fact, if you look at my life, I think you'll see I'm very normal.
I pick out my own clothes every morning, like a normal person.
[FLIES BUZZING.]
I have a job, like a normal person.
- - I date, like a normal person.
In fact, I've been seeing the same girl for six months now.
- - I have a normal hobby Darts.
And every night, I do what all normal people do I watch episodes of my favorite TV show.
ANNOUNCER: What happens when everyone's favorite pro wrestler, Captain Preposterous Whoo, doggie! ANNOUNCER: becomes a stepfather? You're not my dad! I'll show side boob if I want to show side boob.
You get a blended family where the preposterousness never ends.
[SINGING.]
"The Preposterouses"! Has anyone seen my good cape? I'll help you find it.
CLEM: Come to think of it, the only thing that isn't normal about me is my relationship with my family.
[PHONE BEEPS.]
WOMAN: Hey, Clem, it's me.
How you doing, stranger? We're renting a beach house this weekend, and we'd love to see you.
I'll text you the address.
Maybe you can bring that girl we've heard about.
- - [FLIES BUZZING.]
Hey, thanks so much for doing this.
I haven't seen my family in a long time, and my mom thinks I have a girlfriend.
Are you kidding? This is gonna be fun.
I usually only get to meet clients' families if they die at the club.
Besides, I like you.
You're my only regular who doesn't take his wiener out and play with it.
Unless you don't have a wiener.
Do you have a wiener? I-I do.
I-I ha I have a wiener.
Then, you're quite the gentleman.
I don't understand what the big deal is.
I mean, so I stole Vivian's mail.
Who cares? Well, uh, Vivian.
I mean, Vivian cares.
I mean, you ran off with her new credit card.
I mean, if you wanted new shoes so bad, you should have just stolen shoes.
Yeah, well, I didn't think that through, obviously.
[SIGHS.]
Hopefully, we can get her to drop the charges.
But until then, you have to get me out of here.
Okay, with what? Bail is $50,000.
And a bail bondsman's even gonna charge 10% of that.
So, that's basically everything we have in the whole wedding fund.
I mean, goodbye chocolate foundation.
Cut it out.
Let's wrap it up.
We need this room for a strip search.
[BABY FUSSES.]
Here.
Just give me a second.
- Why? - Just give me a sec.
- Why? - Because I need a second.
- Why? - Because I do.
Why? Because there were two women in the hallway who were making out, and now I have a boner.
And I don't want to hold my son while I have a boner.
Okay, well, why didn't you just say so? Let me know when it's gone.
[SIGHS.]
Yeah, the girls in here are really horny.
I mean, one of them keeps calling me her little kitty and saying she wants to lick me all over You're just prolonging this.
[FLIES BUZZING.]
[SIGHS.]
Well, if we're gonna pretend to be dating, we should probably know some stuff about each other.
Like, I'm allergic to laundry detergent, I like darts, and I still have two of my baby teeth.
Wow.
Oh, oh! And my name's Clem.
Got it.
Yeah.
Clem.
Oh, well, my real name is Dorothy.
I grew up in the mountains, but I moved when the bikini bar closed.
I'm allergic to horsehair carpet, my favorite color is smoky lavender, and I bleach my butthole.
Really? Well, from my side of the glass, it looks very natural.
Thanks.
I got a great butthole guy, if you want his number.
Good to know.
EDDIE: Okay.
Yeah, well, I got to go.
Bye.
[BELL RINGS.]
Whoa! Where'd you get that? Got it from some triplets who were sick of fighting over it.
You were saying you get lonely when I'm out delivering food, so I thought, this way, you could come with me sometimes.
Sometimes? How about all the time? You can steer.
I'll sit on the back and feed you Pringles when you get hungry partners.
We'll split tips 50-50.
Yeah, o-okay.
I usually just pull over to the sidewalk to enjoy my chips.
But okay.
Hey, have you seen my Washington Capitals T-shirt? It's really soft, so I like to wear it in the morning when I'm sitting quietly on the beach thinking about nothing for 20 minutes.
You mean meditating.
What's meditating? Oh! Oh! I'm also allergic to nuts All of them.
Except for raisins.
Are raisins nuts? Well, maybe not technically, but they're always hanging out together.
I think they're, like, food cousins.
Hmm.
Oh, uh, there's one last thing I should warn you about my family Uh, there's a very strong chance that we might Whoo! Don't Never mind.
It's just Clem.
be on TV? CLEM: I suppose you could argue that keeping a big part of your life secret from the rest of the world isn't normal, but I guess I'm worried no one would believe me.
[MOTOR WHIRRING.]
[WHIRRING STOPS.]
Clem, you came! Are you alone? - Uh no.
- Hey, Clem.
Who's your friend? Sinnomin.
[CINNAMON.]
Ah, uh is her, uh, favorite spice, but her real name is Dorothy.
Nice to meet you, Dorothy.
I like nutmeg.
Wait a minute.
I've seen this show.
Yo-You're the wrestler who's always saying Whooooooooooooooo, doggie! Yep.
And you're the one that always says Suck my puss! Nice to meet you.
I like that eye shadow.
What color is that? Smoky lavender.
I can't believe this.
I love you guys.
I-I've been saving up to buy one of those electric lip plumpers you do the commercials for.
Don't be silly.
A friend of Clem's doesn't pay for fuller lips.
Oh, my God.
Thank you! You just saved me seven easy payments of $29.
99 plus the shipping and handling.
Shipping and handling is where they get you.
Handling isn't even a thing.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
Can we do the meet and greet later? That's the food-delivery guy, and we're trying to create a little preposterousness.
Picture's up! Clem, you and your friend can go wait upstairs in the bedroom.
Oh.
All right.
Sure.
Um, come on.
Oh.
What are we supposed to do with this guy? I don't know.
Just try and rile him up and we'll see where it goes.
I hope your dumb ass brought duck sauce.
Uh, no.
This isn't Chinese food.
Aw, hell no.
You better not be bringing the race card into this.
Whooooooooooooooo, doggie! [WHISPERING.]
I think I have some duck sauce back in my van if you want to go back.
Hey, guys, can you step in? You're kind of in a bad light, there.
I can't believe this.
Captain Prepostitous is your father? No.
Uh, my real dad took off when I was two.
But it's kind of a long story.
As a child, I had a condition that left me with bald spots.
And because of that, people thought I was weird.
So, I usually just stayed inside with my sister.
We loved wrestling, and our favorite wrestler was Captain Preposterous.
Signature move! - [CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS.]
- So, when he came to town, my mother took me to meet him.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
It turned out Captain Preposterous was a real romantic.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
And it didn't take long for him to pop the question.
Just like that, we were a family A family that Captain Preposterous thought should have their own reality show.
So, there I am, getting scolded for speaking out of turn in the middle of a PTA meeting.
Me, getting scolded! Can you imagine? That is hilarious.
I am sold.
And now that "Hogan Knows Best" has been cancelled, there's a Hulk-sized hole in the market.
Before I knew it, there were cameras filming everyone in the house.
Hold! Well, almost everyone.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I didn't know you guys were in here.
Someone at the network thought the weird little bald kid distracted from the rest of the family.
Action! The show became a hit, and for for last eight years, it's all they do.
CAPTAIN PREPOSTEROUS: She can stay on the floor.
I don't care.
Watching TV became the only way for me to spend time with them.
But then, a few months ago, I-I started taking this medicine for my hair loss, you know? So, I figured, if I came back with a girlfriend, then maybe they would finally think I was normal and maybe let me be on their TV show.
TIFFANY: You better suck my puss! I'm sorry.
Suck your what? [WHISPERING.]
I think she said her puss.
[CHUCKLES.]
And her parents are right there.
[BOTH CHUCKLING.]
- This isn't working.
- Fine.
Cut.
I thought we'd try and capture something real for once.
Never mind.
Gail, get everybody a copy of the script for the séance scene.
Guys, I need you to sign this release form in case we use any of that.
We might be on TV? - I hope not.
- Oh, I can't.
I told my parents I've been attending law school in Connecticut, so If they see this, they're gonna want to talk.
We're gonna get Mommy out of jail, okay? - [BABY FUSSING.]
- All right.
Okay.
There we go.
We did it.
All right.
[SIGHS.]
Vivian! [SNIFFS.]
Vivian, I know you're in there.
Why did Eddie have to show up and take you away from me? I'm sure you're probably upset because Nikki stole your mail, but I can explain the whole thing.
I was doing everything right Acting like a lady, waiting for you to make the first move - [MUFFLED.]
- Vivian! She's sick, okay? She's She's addicted to shoe shopping.
pretending to be all sweet and innocent.
Oh, yeah, you like that.
I shredded her credit cards, but it forced her to get one somewhere else.
You're perfect.
Did you know that? Not, like, perfect perfect, but, like, perfect for me, because I am a little older than you.
But you're also kind of really, really, really, really dumb and also homeless, which is a dealbreaker for a lot of women other than me.
Come here.
Shh.
Come here.
Shh.
Come here.
Vi-Vivian, I think I saw you move.
- What the hell is that? - This is an O-I-jee board.
- Ouija [WEE-JEE.]
board.
- Ouija [WEE-JEE.]
board.
You won't listen to me, so I thought we'd ask your real dad if you should go to college.
That's why we came to the beach for the weekend, honey.
Since your dad died on a boat, this is the Line! "This is the closest we can get to his spirit "without getting our hair wet.
" This is the closest we can get to his spirit without getting our hair wet.
- Washington.
- [CLICKS.]
- White House.
- [CLICKS.]
This is bullshit.
You should be out there pretending to talk to your dead dad.
Have you told them that you want to be on the show? No.
I mean, I've had the conversation, like, a thousand times in my head.
I'm I'm just too much of a pussy to say anything out loud.
That's crazy.
Hey, you're not a pussy.
You asked me to come here and pretend to be your girlfriend.
That took a lot of guts.
- Really? - Yeah.
You don't know me.
Halfway here, I could have taken out a knife and robbed you.
That's, like, a real possibility.
I have a knife in my purse, and I've robbed people before.
Well, thanks, but I didn't really ask you.
I-I wrote it down on a piece of paper.
It's It's much easier than actually talking.
So write it down.
Here.
- Serious? - Yeah.
Why not? But don't just ask to be on the show.
First, you need to convince them that you're not a weirdo.
Dear everyone, just because you think I'm a weirdo - doesn't mean I am.
- [MOTOR WHIRRING.]
In fact, if you look at my life, - I think you'll see I'm very normal.
- [LAUGHING.]
I pick out my own clothes every morning, like a normal person.
- I have a job, like a normal person.
- [LAUGHING CONTINUOUS.]
I date, like a normal person.
No.
You're spelling "Annapolis" wrong again.
Clem has something he wants you all to read.
Guys, can we just get a minute? Clem, what is this? That? Nothing.
Nothing.
Nothing important.
What? No, Clem, you got You He wants to be on the show.
You can't just pretend he doesn't exist because you think he's weird.
He's your family.
- Our family? - [SIGHS.]
- Clem, what did you tell her? - Nothing.
Nothing.
Clem? What did What did you tell her, huh? Please stop Please stop talking.
Suck my puss.
Suck my puss.
Whoooooooooo, doggie! Mm! Clem, it's okay.
I'm gonna call your mother.
I'm gonna call your mother! I thought you were his mother.
I think you're just confused.
I think you're confused.
Uh, what the hell is going on here? It's a long story.
You're a long story! LORETTA: We met Clem when he was 13.
Signature move! His mother, Diane, was our housekeeper, and she would bring Clem to work because Well, he had some issues The worst being that he would eat his hair whenever he got upset, which was a lot.
Anyway, I felt bad for Diane, so I tried to include her and Clem when I could.
[GASPS.]
But once we started filming the show, it became difficult to have Clem around.
He kept finding excuses to sneak on camera.
Hold! Oh, I'm sorry.
I didn't know you guys were in here.
Plus, in season three, we had to get rid of Diane because the network wanted to add some sexy diversity.
Diane understood, but Clem didn't.
Come on.
Here you go, Clem.
Clem! Come on! Clem! We got to go! Hey! Come on! [STRAINING.]
Diane and I still keep in touch, though.
Last we spoke, Clem's shrink had him on anti-psychotic meds that control the hair eating as long he avoids stressful situations, like picking out clothes.
She also said he has a job.
He's been seeing a girl.
He even has a hobby.
And he never misses an episode of our show.
So, I thought it would be nice to try and see him while we were in town.
[ON ANSWERING MACHINE.]
I'll text you the address.
Maybe you can bring that girl we've heard about.
And please tell your mom to come, too.
- Bye.
- [CLICKS.]
Who was that on the phone? DMV.
Uh, uh, you got You got to call them back.
Ask for Rick.
- [BEEPS.]
- COMPUTERIZED VOICE: Message deleted.
His mother told me he used to like to pretend that he was related to us.
I thought it was sweet.
I didn't actually think he believed it.
Maybe we should call the cops.
Not yet.
Clem, can you tell me how you're feeling right now? Leave him alone.
Clem, I'm gonna call your mom.
No! I'm staying here, with Captain Preposterous and my family.
We're not your family, Clem.
So, just calm down, or we're gonna have to call the police.
Stay back! [CLATTERS.]
[GRUNTS.]
Whoooooo, doggie! [GRUNTS.]
[BREATHING HEAVILY.]
Sorry.
Once I start, my signature-move muscle memory kicks in.
I got to finish.
[COUGHS.]
[RADIO CHATTER.]
Buddy, that was awesome.
It's the most real this show has ever been.
It's gonna be our best episode yet.
I'm gonna be on TV? With Captain Preposterous? Yep.
You're gonna be a star.
I just need you to sign this release.
Are you going to use the part where he uses his signature move to immobilize me? Are you kidding? I think it's gonna be the act break.
Put the pen in my mouth.
When I didn't hear back, went and packed my bags And I started on my search Yeah, I'm bound to find you and remind you That living without you is the worst No, no, no, no, no, no I ain't letting go We were meant to be This is destiny I know you know I ain't letting go I found your cellphone records, utility bill And prescriptions for some sleeping pills Yeah, I'm getting close My love's like rock 'n' roll - [RETCHES.]
- It never dies It never dies, no No, no, no, no, no, no I ain't letting go We were meant to be This is destiny I know you know I ain't letting go Lace up my boots I battled for you It's what I do Hey.
I'm here to pick up the keys for Bare Feet Retreat.
Okay.
Well, I hope you're here for the music festival.
If not, you picked the wrong weekend.
It gets a little crazy.
Oh, no.
We're We're here for Beacharoo.
We might, uh, look like a couple of boring parents, but she has a tramp stamp from Coachella and I got my nipple pierced at the mall.
Okay.
Great.
Well, I'll just find the keys.
Yeah, I'll keep you safe Smile on that pretty face Are we sure he's old enough for this? He still sucks his thumb.
That's exactly why this is a good idea.
Boy's got to grow up sometime.
I ain't letting go I ain't letting go No, I ain't letting go