The Impressions Show with Culshaw and Stephenson (2009) s02e06 Episode Script
Series 2, Episode 6
1 AS BONO: Hey, Lady Gaga, how you doing? It's a great party.
Go and get yourself a drink.
Lady Gaga is leaving.
Leaving? You're joking! You've only just got here.
Lady Gaga can't stay.
Not when someone's turned up in exactly the same outfit.
OMG, doesn't she just light up the room? Step.
Head.
Step.
Why is it my cracker never has a crown? Terrible pity! AS DALE WINTON: At Christmas I just love chocolate orange.
The man at the tanning place keeps saying I should try a lighter shade.
Do your research.
I'm Jewish.
Coming to BBC One this Christmas, Katherine Jenkins and friends sing the greatest Christmas number ones.
SHE SINGS All your favourite chart toppers as you've never heard them before.
Mr.
Blobby, The Flying Pickets, Band Aid 2 and who could forget Bob the Builder, can you fix it Bob the Builder, yes, we can! With Amy Winehouse.
# Grandma, we love you Grandma, we do.
And special guest, Liza Minelli sings Rage Against The Machine.
# Killing in the name of # Killing in the name of # Some of those that work forces # Are the same that burn crosses Some of those that work forces Katherine Jenkins and friends, all the Christmas No 1s that sound like No 2s.
# They called him Ernie, Ernie And he drove the fastest milk cart in the west.
Steven Gerrard, man of the match.
Congratulations.
Talk us through that second goal.
Erm, well I just took a swing at it, you know with my left peg and luck it went in the top corner, so it was good.
Well, congratulations, great goal.
And what are your views on where Britain should be getting its energy from in the 21st century? Erm, well I think renewables have certainly got their role to play but I think we're going have to, erm, look at nuclear power to provide most of the country's energy needs.
It's clean, erm, the technology's come on leaps and bounds, so you know.
Let's give that a chance.
Thanks once again for talking to us, Stevie.
Thank you.
Yeah, thanks.
Ah, there you are, Miss Tombliboo, wringing your hands in the manner of a Dickensian costume drama.
Why, Mr Lightyear! Do you have the time? Mr Lightyear, why do you dither so long over the checking of your pocket watch? I don't be-fathom it! It's happening again, isn't it? Miss Tombliboo, we must not delay.
We must write a stern letter of complaint in the strongest terms about this infernal product placement and send it to the British Film Council forthwith! I shall be much obliged to do so, Mr Lightyear, and no mistake! Should have gone to Specsavers.
"Dear British Film Council "Miss Tombliboo and I wish to draw your attention to the plague "of subliminal product advertising blighting our screen time.
" Crispy fry? Thank you, but no, Mr Lightyear I've just had a Lion Bar.
Delicious.
"Yours, most sincerely, Mr B Lightyear.
" Now let us print off that letter and be quick about it! Oh, God.
It seems to be getting worse.
Mercy me, I shall make haste and hand-deliver this letter to the British Film Council immediately.
Please avail yourself of my carriage.
If you need me, I'll be in workhouse giving Yakult to the orphans.
It's full of friendly bacteria, elacasia immunitas.
Oh, God! I don't be-fathom it! AS ROSS KEMP: Christmas.
A season of peace and goodwill to all men, but on the streets of Britain there's a criminal organisation who have turned it into a season of intimidation and terror.
I'm on my way to meet the gang known on the street as the Carol Singers.
Music plays a big role in many of the gangs that I've met.
From the rap scene in south central LA to the Nazi lyrics of the white supremacists, but nowhere is music more closely associated with gang life than with the Carol Singers.
Hi there, I'm Ross.
I'm unarmed.
Erm.
What's going down? This rather fine mulled wine! After three One, two, three.
Ding Dong merrily on high I could see things were about to kick off so I got out of there.
Apparently there was going to be a bit of a 'cling dong'.
Two days later and our contact has arranged for us to observe the gang going about its business.
That business is extortion.
Deck the halls with boughs of holly The menace in the songs is breathtaking.
I'm assuming here that the people in the house are the Hall family, hence the open threat to "deck the Halls" unless money is handed over.
Hello, Ross.
Have you come to join in? I don't know if I can do that.
'I'm in a difficult position.
'On the one hand I don't want to get sucked into this appalling way of life.
'On the other hand, they're offering mince pies.
' OK, I don't know the words to your songs, but I remember how it worked with the Crips in South Central LA so maybe that'll help.
OK, show me.
Ready, everyone? Oh, come all ye faithful RAPS: Yo yo.
Joyful and triumphant One time.
Oh, come ye, oh, come ye to Bethlehem.
Yo, where the bitches at? Peace! 'I could see things were about to kick off so I got out of there.
'Next week I'll be taking my life in my hands when I spend time 'with the skinhead gang known simply as the Hare Krishnas.
' So Mr Johnston, what seems to be the problem? I've just not been myself.
I've been feeling really lethargic and down in the dumps.
Yes, well, all classic signs of depression.
But not to worry, I think I've got just the thing to banish those blues.
I'd like you to take Ant and Dec twice a day.
That's not a mopey face we see, is it? We don't want any mopey faces, only smiling happy ones.
Ant and Dec are the most powerful Geordie anti-depressant known to man.
Mr Johnston, it's Saturday night.
Are you ready to party? CANNED CHEERING No, it's Tuesday afternoon.
Not if we say it's not it's not.
it's Saturday night! So let's have some fun! CANNED APPLAUSE Mr Johnston, pick a number between one and ten.
Seven? You have won a car! How come? I don't know, to be honest with you.
I don't understand the format either.
And here are the keys! Wahey! Looks like they're working already.
Merry Christmas.
Thank you, Santa.
You're welcome.
Ho Ho Ho, now what do you want for AS IAN HISLOP: Ah, um yes, this is about the European Union, isn't it? Yes, the EU which is apparently telling us all what to do again.
Which is absolutely fine.
Just because we didn't vote for any of them, why shouldn't they tell us what to do whenever they like? Baaa.
No no no, all I wanted to know Oh, yes, right, yes, this is about the Royal Family, isn't it? Yes, who are obviously incredibly useful, aren't they.
Baaa.
No what The Archbishop of Canterbury? Look, what do you want for Christmas? Ah, oh, yes, presents, yes, of course because Christmas isn't about the birth of Christ at all, is it? No, it's about greed and gluttony and how much money you can spend on the vast amounts of tat that none of us really want or will ever use.
Baaa! The festive season should be a time of goodwill to all men, which makes our next crime all the more upsetting.
MUSIC IN BACKGROUND: "Merry Xmas Everybody" by Slade I, er, arrived at work a little later than normal because we'd had the Christmas party the night before.
And when I when I went into the office Well I still find it quite hard to talk about.
Jeremy arrived in his office the following morning to find his walls plastered with 97 images like this one.
DC Claxton, what do we know? Well, Kirsty, it could have been much worse.
But luckily for Jeremy, the photocopier eventually jammed.
I'm told we've already received a number of calls from people saying that they think that it could be Andrew Lloyd Webber.
Do we have any other leads? We do have one other suspect.
On some of the images the criminal has made the mistake of leaving his name.
We're very keen to speak to an Alvin Klein.
Thank you.
If I'm honest, stuffing a big bird isn't really my kind of thing.
Well, I like my Uncle Ernie, but then I like my Uncle Derek as well.
Which embarrassing drunk uncle is better? There's only one way to find out.
Fight! AS FABIO CAPELLO: Well, they say, er, the joy, er, of scoring the goal is, er like the joy of kissing a girl bellissima! And my England players are very good at it.
Not so good at scoring the goal.
And now a Christmas appeal.
Hello.
I'm Joanna Lumley.
Lovely, silky smooth Joanna Lumley.
As you know, I single-handedly freed the Gurkhas.
Then I sorted out that whole volcano thing.
But now I've turned my attention to another injustice, to which I feel compelled to lend my sultry voice, my beautiful hair and my sizzling legs.
Mmmm.
Of course, I'm talking about jockeys.
These tiny, tiny men are made to wear extravagant colourful costume and are often starved by their owners.
They're forced to ride animals far larger than themselves in areas as far-flung as Lingfield and Haydock, and their little legs can get quite chafed.
It really is a disgrace and I should know.
I'm Joanna Lumley.
So please consider adopting a jockey this festive season.
Or if you can't do that, any donation would help support one of our free range jockey enclosures like the one at Chessington World of Adventures.
I'm Joanna Lumley, lovely scrumptious Joanna Lumley.
Thank you.
SQUEALING Oh dear, I seem to have trodden on a jockey.
Can I get a wet wipe? At last, she was alone in the an gallery with the object of her desire.
Eleanor Bennings could no longer control her passion.
She threw the grizzled Spaniard down and tore the clothes from his body.
She was all over him like a rash.
The kind of rash that can be caused by poisoned ivy, which could have been prevented if only she'd worn the right gloves.
Whenever I'm working with poison ivy, I always have a bottle of calamine lotion nearby.
It's deeply soothing and does wonders with any minor lesions that might develop.
Then they went at it like Spanish rabbits.
True story.
AS HOLLY WILLOUGHBY: Have you ever wondered how to cook a jam roly-poly? Well, wonder no more as tomorrow our expert chef is here to guide us through.
Coming up after the break, Welsh opera diva Katherine Jenkins sings right here in the studio.
I love her.
AS PHILLIP SCHOFIELD: 'There will come a time in the future when I shan't mind about this any more.
'Me and Holly, here together on the sofa.
'Holly was talking, but I wasn't listening to her.
'All I could do was think about the last time I saw your big lovely face, Fern.
'Tears rolling down.
'I shall never forget it.
' AS FERN BRITTON: Are you all right? Fern, do you think we'll ever work together again? I'm not sure.
Not for years anyway.
Couldn't I just E-mail you just once in a while? No, Phillip, we promised.
I love you so much, so very, very much.
I want to die.
Winton is not half the man you are.
Forgive me.
What for? For presenting holiday segments with her, for pretending to find her interesting.
For everything For thinking Fern! Goodbye, Phillip.
I'll never forget you.
Every time I do a link with him, it's you I'll be thinking of.
THIS MORNING INTRO PLAYS Well, that was great.
Tomorrow we'll be seeing if ra-ra skirts really are going to be the next big thing in fashion.
Goodbye.
Are you âTing? Not any more.
Not any more.
Thanks for coming back to me.
That's OK.
Hey diddle diddle The cat and the fiddle The cow jumped over the moon The little dog laughed to see such fun And the dish ran away with the fork.
Oh, no, that can't be right.
AS ALAN SUGAR: All you had to do was sing a nursery rhyme.
I'm so sorry, Alan.
This was a pretty simple task really.
It even rhymes, for crying out loud.
I'll get it right next time.
There isn't going to be a next time.
Something needs changing.
Yes, I think it's your nappy.
Exactly.
YOU haven't even done that.
Nanny Sanders, you're fired.
AS DAVID BRENT: Little bit of technical trouble with the Microsoft DIGITAL Advent Calendar, yeah.
Every time you try and open Windows it crashes.
Embarrassing.
Ooh.
A Christmas E-mail, yeah, from the competition, yeah.
Steve Jobs.
Mr Apple.
Stevie J, bless him.
Probably a virus.
No, some son of E-vite.
Won't open.
COMPUTER BEEPS Would you like to select a programme to open it with? Well, no, obviously I wouldn't.
You're the computer.
You tell me what programme to use.
Ooh.
My software.
Bit embarrassing.
Ohhh.
COMPUTER BEEPS COMPUTER BEEPS That little noise.
That's one of mine.
COMPUTER BEEPS I composed that.
DANCE MUSIC PLAYS Fearne.
DANCE MUSIC CONTINUES Fearne.
Fearnanda Jane Cotton! What? God! You've totally made me mess up my special plaitage now.
Back after this tune.
Coming to you in ten nine Ooh! Can I go toilet? No, we've got Sir Alex Ferguson on in five four.
Who? Fergie.
Go! FEARNE SIGHS This is Fearne Cottony Cott Cotton, with my regulino moment of one o'clock guestage.
MUSIC: "Christmas Time (Don't Let The Bells End)" by The Darkness So give it up big time for Fergie! Whoo! CHANTS: Fergie, Fergie, Fergie, Fergie! Wow! Were you not inconsiderably ace at the Brits! I could totally see your bottage in that skin, by the way, awesome.
Black Eyed Peas! You guys so rock! So are peas like your favourite food? Disgusting factoid, if you look down the toilet, peas come out exactly the same as they go in! 100% truesters.
We've lost him.
Can I go toilet now? I'm bursting to boots! You should have gone before.
I know, but I didn't want to go then, did I? Stop that.
Or you can go and stand in the corner.
Couple of the fans on the pitch there, Stevie, did that upset your rhythm? AS STEVEN GERRARD: Nah, I don't think we can't blame it on that.
We lost our shape and we paid the price for that.
Very honest, Stevie.
How do you think the British transport system should be developed over the next few decades? I think you've got to be looking at high-speed rail, We invented the railway, but we've let our lead slip you know.
The French, the Japanese and to a certain extent the Spanish have overtaken us, so let's get some proper investment into an integrated rail network.
Thanks for that, Stevie.
Right, thanks.
AS DAVID BRENT: So, Dawny What do you think of my Microsoft X-mas Hat Version 2.
0? Very nice, Mr Gates.
In need of an upgrade though.
Ooh! Whey! Microsoft X-mas Hat Version 2.
1.
Yeah, mistletoe, yeah.
Son of.
I haven't, but I would.
Yeah, you know, for me, the worst thing about Christmas is all the terrible movies they put on television because you know I'm one of those people that hates watching themselves.
AS IAN HISLOP: I like a good cracker joke.
Look at this one.
£19.
99.
I thought, "That's a joke right there.
" Mmm.
HE GRUNTS TUNELESSLY MOBILE PHONE BEEPS Oh, who says we can't organise a virtual booze-up in a virtual brewery? Right, do the conga, everyone! Right, watch out.
Here I come.
MUSIC: "Handbags And Gladrags" by Big George AS SIMON COWELL: I don't know how Bill Gates survives on that paltry amount, I really don't.
AS CHERYL COLE: Simon, Simon, I've got meself in an awful pickle.
Grazia, hold the front page.
I got this text message from Dermot like and he signed off with a kiss.
So I sent him a text back with a kiss.
And now he's sent a text back with two kisses.
I've got strict text-kiss rules.
It's one kiss for my partner.
Two for my mum.
I only ever text three kisses if I'm texting to myself.
I only texted him a kiss cos he'd texted me one and he's like a work colleague and that, so it would have been kind of rude not to.
If I send him a text now with two kisses it might seem like a come-on, but if I don't send any then it might seem rude.
What am I going to do? I'm in a right state.
How about a hug? Oh, thanks, Simon.
No.
I don't DO hugs.
What I mean is, how about sending him a hug and a kiss.
Son of an X and an O.
Kind of pan way between one kiss and two kisses.
Perfect.
I'll do that.
There.
Sorted.
Less keen, but not rude.
MOBILE PHONE BEEPS Oh, no, it's from Dermot.
And he's sent three kisses! And they're in caps! And three hugs.
Don't worry about the hugs.
They don't mean anything.
Dermot would hug Pol Pot.
Hm? Or Heather Mills.
Oh.
Yeah, but he's also sent a winking face.
That's not good.
Well, what am I going to send him now? Why don't you send him a Simon Cowell.
Too rude.
An Amanda Holden.
Too cryey.
A Louis Walsh.
That's a bottom! If you think that's offensive, you've clearly never seen a Piers Morgan.
DRAMATIC MUSIC Going somewhere? Well, I was.
Watch this.
Don't try to copy me.
You'll break your back.
Just walk.
Well done.
Look at this.
It's a phone.
Yeah.
But wait.
It's got lots of gadgets.
I was just looking for something basic.
This one has a camera.
Good for surveillance.
What tariff is it available on? That's classified.
Don't touch that button.
I customized it.
It's the garrotte.
Laser.
Jet pack.
Self-destruct.
This button tells you the weather.
Don't push it when you're abroad.
It'll cost you a fortune.
Sign up today and get 100 free texts.
AS FABIO CAPELLO: Erm, so I say-a to this footballer, is no appropriate for you to bring your grandmama to a training session.
This is work day.
But he say, she not my grandma, she my new lady girlfriend.
So I say to her, "Hello," I polite, I say, "How are you?" I say, "What do you do?" She say, "For 50 squid, I do anything what you like.
" I don't think this one gonna last.
SHE GIGGLES There you go, Tim Burton's life partner.
Tim Burton's Christmas tree is finished.
But it's wonderful.
Truly it is the bleakest tree of them all! You've excelled yourself this time, Timmy Wimmy.
But wait! You know, I need to add the finishing touch.
There.
It iscomplete.
It's a masterwork.
I don't suppose we could open just one present tonight, could we? Please.
Pretty but then hideously disfigured please? Sure, but not before, you know, a game of charades.
Charades! Charades! My cup would be brimming over if it wasn't so half-empty.
Tim Burton will go first.
Is it Tim Burton's Edward Scissorhands? No.
Is it Tim Burton's Alice In Wonderland? No.
Is it Tim Burton's A Nightmare Before Christmas? Of course.
I should have got it first time.
Silly Tim Burton's life partner! Can I open my stocking now? Your Tim Burton stocking.
It's much like, you know, any normal stocking, except it's darker.
And of course it's got Johnny Depp in it.
Funny old world, innit? Oh, this is going to be the worst Christmas ever! I'm so miserable I could explode.
There was once a beautiful girl with a smashing pair of knockers.
She married a beast thinking that he was really a handsome prince under a wicked spell, but he just turned out to be a useless, thick Aussie who can't sing for toffee.
So she divorced him and married a proper handsome prince.
He was a real fighter, as strong as a beast, but he liked to dress up as a beautiful princess as well.
You know what, if I'm honest, this is way too confusing for me.
This is the last time lever try and read a book.
I'm going clubbing! See ya.
Go and get yourself a drink.
Lady Gaga is leaving.
Leaving? You're joking! You've only just got here.
Lady Gaga can't stay.
Not when someone's turned up in exactly the same outfit.
OMG, doesn't she just light up the room? Step.
Head.
Step.
Why is it my cracker never has a crown? Terrible pity! AS DALE WINTON: At Christmas I just love chocolate orange.
The man at the tanning place keeps saying I should try a lighter shade.
Do your research.
I'm Jewish.
Coming to BBC One this Christmas, Katherine Jenkins and friends sing the greatest Christmas number ones.
SHE SINGS All your favourite chart toppers as you've never heard them before.
Mr.
Blobby, The Flying Pickets, Band Aid 2 and who could forget Bob the Builder, can you fix it Bob the Builder, yes, we can! With Amy Winehouse.
# Grandma, we love you Grandma, we do.
And special guest, Liza Minelli sings Rage Against The Machine.
# Killing in the name of # Killing in the name of # Some of those that work forces # Are the same that burn crosses Some of those that work forces Katherine Jenkins and friends, all the Christmas No 1s that sound like No 2s.
# They called him Ernie, Ernie And he drove the fastest milk cart in the west.
Steven Gerrard, man of the match.
Congratulations.
Talk us through that second goal.
Erm, well I just took a swing at it, you know with my left peg and luck it went in the top corner, so it was good.
Well, congratulations, great goal.
And what are your views on where Britain should be getting its energy from in the 21st century? Erm, well I think renewables have certainly got their role to play but I think we're going have to, erm, look at nuclear power to provide most of the country's energy needs.
It's clean, erm, the technology's come on leaps and bounds, so you know.
Let's give that a chance.
Thanks once again for talking to us, Stevie.
Thank you.
Yeah, thanks.
Ah, there you are, Miss Tombliboo, wringing your hands in the manner of a Dickensian costume drama.
Why, Mr Lightyear! Do you have the time? Mr Lightyear, why do you dither so long over the checking of your pocket watch? I don't be-fathom it! It's happening again, isn't it? Miss Tombliboo, we must not delay.
We must write a stern letter of complaint in the strongest terms about this infernal product placement and send it to the British Film Council forthwith! I shall be much obliged to do so, Mr Lightyear, and no mistake! Should have gone to Specsavers.
"Dear British Film Council "Miss Tombliboo and I wish to draw your attention to the plague "of subliminal product advertising blighting our screen time.
" Crispy fry? Thank you, but no, Mr Lightyear I've just had a Lion Bar.
Delicious.
"Yours, most sincerely, Mr B Lightyear.
" Now let us print off that letter and be quick about it! Oh, God.
It seems to be getting worse.
Mercy me, I shall make haste and hand-deliver this letter to the British Film Council immediately.
Please avail yourself of my carriage.
If you need me, I'll be in workhouse giving Yakult to the orphans.
It's full of friendly bacteria, elacasia immunitas.
Oh, God! I don't be-fathom it! AS ROSS KEMP: Christmas.
A season of peace and goodwill to all men, but on the streets of Britain there's a criminal organisation who have turned it into a season of intimidation and terror.
I'm on my way to meet the gang known on the street as the Carol Singers.
Music plays a big role in many of the gangs that I've met.
From the rap scene in south central LA to the Nazi lyrics of the white supremacists, but nowhere is music more closely associated with gang life than with the Carol Singers.
Hi there, I'm Ross.
I'm unarmed.
Erm.
What's going down? This rather fine mulled wine! After three One, two, three.
Ding Dong merrily on high I could see things were about to kick off so I got out of there.
Apparently there was going to be a bit of a 'cling dong'.
Two days later and our contact has arranged for us to observe the gang going about its business.
That business is extortion.
Deck the halls with boughs of holly The menace in the songs is breathtaking.
I'm assuming here that the people in the house are the Hall family, hence the open threat to "deck the Halls" unless money is handed over.
Hello, Ross.
Have you come to join in? I don't know if I can do that.
'I'm in a difficult position.
'On the one hand I don't want to get sucked into this appalling way of life.
'On the other hand, they're offering mince pies.
' OK, I don't know the words to your songs, but I remember how it worked with the Crips in South Central LA so maybe that'll help.
OK, show me.
Ready, everyone? Oh, come all ye faithful RAPS: Yo yo.
Joyful and triumphant One time.
Oh, come ye, oh, come ye to Bethlehem.
Yo, where the bitches at? Peace! 'I could see things were about to kick off so I got out of there.
'Next week I'll be taking my life in my hands when I spend time 'with the skinhead gang known simply as the Hare Krishnas.
' So Mr Johnston, what seems to be the problem? I've just not been myself.
I've been feeling really lethargic and down in the dumps.
Yes, well, all classic signs of depression.
But not to worry, I think I've got just the thing to banish those blues.
I'd like you to take Ant and Dec twice a day.
That's not a mopey face we see, is it? We don't want any mopey faces, only smiling happy ones.
Ant and Dec are the most powerful Geordie anti-depressant known to man.
Mr Johnston, it's Saturday night.
Are you ready to party? CANNED CHEERING No, it's Tuesday afternoon.
Not if we say it's not it's not.
it's Saturday night! So let's have some fun! CANNED APPLAUSE Mr Johnston, pick a number between one and ten.
Seven? You have won a car! How come? I don't know, to be honest with you.
I don't understand the format either.
And here are the keys! Wahey! Looks like they're working already.
Merry Christmas.
Thank you, Santa.
You're welcome.
Ho Ho Ho, now what do you want for AS IAN HISLOP: Ah, um yes, this is about the European Union, isn't it? Yes, the EU which is apparently telling us all what to do again.
Which is absolutely fine.
Just because we didn't vote for any of them, why shouldn't they tell us what to do whenever they like? Baaa.
No no no, all I wanted to know Oh, yes, right, yes, this is about the Royal Family, isn't it? Yes, who are obviously incredibly useful, aren't they.
Baaa.
No what The Archbishop of Canterbury? Look, what do you want for Christmas? Ah, oh, yes, presents, yes, of course because Christmas isn't about the birth of Christ at all, is it? No, it's about greed and gluttony and how much money you can spend on the vast amounts of tat that none of us really want or will ever use.
Baaa! The festive season should be a time of goodwill to all men, which makes our next crime all the more upsetting.
MUSIC IN BACKGROUND: "Merry Xmas Everybody" by Slade I, er, arrived at work a little later than normal because we'd had the Christmas party the night before.
And when I when I went into the office Well I still find it quite hard to talk about.
Jeremy arrived in his office the following morning to find his walls plastered with 97 images like this one.
DC Claxton, what do we know? Well, Kirsty, it could have been much worse.
But luckily for Jeremy, the photocopier eventually jammed.
I'm told we've already received a number of calls from people saying that they think that it could be Andrew Lloyd Webber.
Do we have any other leads? We do have one other suspect.
On some of the images the criminal has made the mistake of leaving his name.
We're very keen to speak to an Alvin Klein.
Thank you.
If I'm honest, stuffing a big bird isn't really my kind of thing.
Well, I like my Uncle Ernie, but then I like my Uncle Derek as well.
Which embarrassing drunk uncle is better? There's only one way to find out.
Fight! AS FABIO CAPELLO: Well, they say, er, the joy, er, of scoring the goal is, er like the joy of kissing a girl bellissima! And my England players are very good at it.
Not so good at scoring the goal.
And now a Christmas appeal.
Hello.
I'm Joanna Lumley.
Lovely, silky smooth Joanna Lumley.
As you know, I single-handedly freed the Gurkhas.
Then I sorted out that whole volcano thing.
But now I've turned my attention to another injustice, to which I feel compelled to lend my sultry voice, my beautiful hair and my sizzling legs.
Mmmm.
Of course, I'm talking about jockeys.
These tiny, tiny men are made to wear extravagant colourful costume and are often starved by their owners.
They're forced to ride animals far larger than themselves in areas as far-flung as Lingfield and Haydock, and their little legs can get quite chafed.
It really is a disgrace and I should know.
I'm Joanna Lumley.
So please consider adopting a jockey this festive season.
Or if you can't do that, any donation would help support one of our free range jockey enclosures like the one at Chessington World of Adventures.
I'm Joanna Lumley, lovely scrumptious Joanna Lumley.
Thank you.
SQUEALING Oh dear, I seem to have trodden on a jockey.
Can I get a wet wipe? At last, she was alone in the an gallery with the object of her desire.
Eleanor Bennings could no longer control her passion.
She threw the grizzled Spaniard down and tore the clothes from his body.
She was all over him like a rash.
The kind of rash that can be caused by poisoned ivy, which could have been prevented if only she'd worn the right gloves.
Whenever I'm working with poison ivy, I always have a bottle of calamine lotion nearby.
It's deeply soothing and does wonders with any minor lesions that might develop.
Then they went at it like Spanish rabbits.
True story.
AS HOLLY WILLOUGHBY: Have you ever wondered how to cook a jam roly-poly? Well, wonder no more as tomorrow our expert chef is here to guide us through.
Coming up after the break, Welsh opera diva Katherine Jenkins sings right here in the studio.
I love her.
AS PHILLIP SCHOFIELD: 'There will come a time in the future when I shan't mind about this any more.
'Me and Holly, here together on the sofa.
'Holly was talking, but I wasn't listening to her.
'All I could do was think about the last time I saw your big lovely face, Fern.
'Tears rolling down.
'I shall never forget it.
' AS FERN BRITTON: Are you all right? Fern, do you think we'll ever work together again? I'm not sure.
Not for years anyway.
Couldn't I just E-mail you just once in a while? No, Phillip, we promised.
I love you so much, so very, very much.
I want to die.
Winton is not half the man you are.
Forgive me.
What for? For presenting holiday segments with her, for pretending to find her interesting.
For everything For thinking Fern! Goodbye, Phillip.
I'll never forget you.
Every time I do a link with him, it's you I'll be thinking of.
THIS MORNING INTRO PLAYS Well, that was great.
Tomorrow we'll be seeing if ra-ra skirts really are going to be the next big thing in fashion.
Goodbye.
Are you âTing? Not any more.
Not any more.
Thanks for coming back to me.
That's OK.
Hey diddle diddle The cat and the fiddle The cow jumped over the moon The little dog laughed to see such fun And the dish ran away with the fork.
Oh, no, that can't be right.
AS ALAN SUGAR: All you had to do was sing a nursery rhyme.
I'm so sorry, Alan.
This was a pretty simple task really.
It even rhymes, for crying out loud.
I'll get it right next time.
There isn't going to be a next time.
Something needs changing.
Yes, I think it's your nappy.
Exactly.
YOU haven't even done that.
Nanny Sanders, you're fired.
AS DAVID BRENT: Little bit of technical trouble with the Microsoft DIGITAL Advent Calendar, yeah.
Every time you try and open Windows it crashes.
Embarrassing.
Ooh.
A Christmas E-mail, yeah, from the competition, yeah.
Steve Jobs.
Mr Apple.
Stevie J, bless him.
Probably a virus.
No, some son of E-vite.
Won't open.
COMPUTER BEEPS Would you like to select a programme to open it with? Well, no, obviously I wouldn't.
You're the computer.
You tell me what programme to use.
Ooh.
My software.
Bit embarrassing.
Ohhh.
COMPUTER BEEPS COMPUTER BEEPS That little noise.
That's one of mine.
COMPUTER BEEPS I composed that.
DANCE MUSIC PLAYS Fearne.
DANCE MUSIC CONTINUES Fearne.
Fearnanda Jane Cotton! What? God! You've totally made me mess up my special plaitage now.
Back after this tune.
Coming to you in ten nine Ooh! Can I go toilet? No, we've got Sir Alex Ferguson on in five four.
Who? Fergie.
Go! FEARNE SIGHS This is Fearne Cottony Cott Cotton, with my regulino moment of one o'clock guestage.
MUSIC: "Christmas Time (Don't Let The Bells End)" by The Darkness So give it up big time for Fergie! Whoo! CHANTS: Fergie, Fergie, Fergie, Fergie! Wow! Were you not inconsiderably ace at the Brits! I could totally see your bottage in that skin, by the way, awesome.
Black Eyed Peas! You guys so rock! So are peas like your favourite food? Disgusting factoid, if you look down the toilet, peas come out exactly the same as they go in! 100% truesters.
We've lost him.
Can I go toilet now? I'm bursting to boots! You should have gone before.
I know, but I didn't want to go then, did I? Stop that.
Or you can go and stand in the corner.
Couple of the fans on the pitch there, Stevie, did that upset your rhythm? AS STEVEN GERRARD: Nah, I don't think we can't blame it on that.
We lost our shape and we paid the price for that.
Very honest, Stevie.
How do you think the British transport system should be developed over the next few decades? I think you've got to be looking at high-speed rail, We invented the railway, but we've let our lead slip you know.
The French, the Japanese and to a certain extent the Spanish have overtaken us, so let's get some proper investment into an integrated rail network.
Thanks for that, Stevie.
Right, thanks.
AS DAVID BRENT: So, Dawny What do you think of my Microsoft X-mas Hat Version 2.
0? Very nice, Mr Gates.
In need of an upgrade though.
Ooh! Whey! Microsoft X-mas Hat Version 2.
1.
Yeah, mistletoe, yeah.
Son of.
I haven't, but I would.
Yeah, you know, for me, the worst thing about Christmas is all the terrible movies they put on television because you know I'm one of those people that hates watching themselves.
AS IAN HISLOP: I like a good cracker joke.
Look at this one.
£19.
99.
I thought, "That's a joke right there.
" Mmm.
HE GRUNTS TUNELESSLY MOBILE PHONE BEEPS Oh, who says we can't organise a virtual booze-up in a virtual brewery? Right, do the conga, everyone! Right, watch out.
Here I come.
MUSIC: "Handbags And Gladrags" by Big George AS SIMON COWELL: I don't know how Bill Gates survives on that paltry amount, I really don't.
AS CHERYL COLE: Simon, Simon, I've got meself in an awful pickle.
Grazia, hold the front page.
I got this text message from Dermot like and he signed off with a kiss.
So I sent him a text back with a kiss.
And now he's sent a text back with two kisses.
I've got strict text-kiss rules.
It's one kiss for my partner.
Two for my mum.
I only ever text three kisses if I'm texting to myself.
I only texted him a kiss cos he'd texted me one and he's like a work colleague and that, so it would have been kind of rude not to.
If I send him a text now with two kisses it might seem like a come-on, but if I don't send any then it might seem rude.
What am I going to do? I'm in a right state.
How about a hug? Oh, thanks, Simon.
No.
I don't DO hugs.
What I mean is, how about sending him a hug and a kiss.
Son of an X and an O.
Kind of pan way between one kiss and two kisses.
Perfect.
I'll do that.
There.
Sorted.
Less keen, but not rude.
MOBILE PHONE BEEPS Oh, no, it's from Dermot.
And he's sent three kisses! And they're in caps! And three hugs.
Don't worry about the hugs.
They don't mean anything.
Dermot would hug Pol Pot.
Hm? Or Heather Mills.
Oh.
Yeah, but he's also sent a winking face.
That's not good.
Well, what am I going to send him now? Why don't you send him a Simon Cowell.
Too rude.
An Amanda Holden.
Too cryey.
A Louis Walsh.
That's a bottom! If you think that's offensive, you've clearly never seen a Piers Morgan.
DRAMATIC MUSIC Going somewhere? Well, I was.
Watch this.
Don't try to copy me.
You'll break your back.
Just walk.
Well done.
Look at this.
It's a phone.
Yeah.
But wait.
It's got lots of gadgets.
I was just looking for something basic.
This one has a camera.
Good for surveillance.
What tariff is it available on? That's classified.
Don't touch that button.
I customized it.
It's the garrotte.
Laser.
Jet pack.
Self-destruct.
This button tells you the weather.
Don't push it when you're abroad.
It'll cost you a fortune.
Sign up today and get 100 free texts.
AS FABIO CAPELLO: Erm, so I say-a to this footballer, is no appropriate for you to bring your grandmama to a training session.
This is work day.
But he say, she not my grandma, she my new lady girlfriend.
So I say to her, "Hello," I polite, I say, "How are you?" I say, "What do you do?" She say, "For 50 squid, I do anything what you like.
" I don't think this one gonna last.
SHE GIGGLES There you go, Tim Burton's life partner.
Tim Burton's Christmas tree is finished.
But it's wonderful.
Truly it is the bleakest tree of them all! You've excelled yourself this time, Timmy Wimmy.
But wait! You know, I need to add the finishing touch.
There.
It iscomplete.
It's a masterwork.
I don't suppose we could open just one present tonight, could we? Please.
Pretty but then hideously disfigured please? Sure, but not before, you know, a game of charades.
Charades! Charades! My cup would be brimming over if it wasn't so half-empty.
Tim Burton will go first.
Is it Tim Burton's Edward Scissorhands? No.
Is it Tim Burton's Alice In Wonderland? No.
Is it Tim Burton's A Nightmare Before Christmas? Of course.
I should have got it first time.
Silly Tim Burton's life partner! Can I open my stocking now? Your Tim Burton stocking.
It's much like, you know, any normal stocking, except it's darker.
And of course it's got Johnny Depp in it.
Funny old world, innit? Oh, this is going to be the worst Christmas ever! I'm so miserable I could explode.
There was once a beautiful girl with a smashing pair of knockers.
She married a beast thinking that he was really a handsome prince under a wicked spell, but he just turned out to be a useless, thick Aussie who can't sing for toffee.
So she divorced him and married a proper handsome prince.
He was a real fighter, as strong as a beast, but he liked to dress up as a beautiful princess as well.
You know what, if I'm honest, this is way too confusing for me.
This is the last time lever try and read a book.
I'm going clubbing! See ya.