The Jim Gaffigan Show (2015) s02e06 Episode Script

1 I want to go to the meatball shop.
We're not going to the meatball shop.
It's Is that Dave and John Mulaney coming out of Katz's? That's your and Dave's place.
Wait, maybe we should go a different direction.
No, it's too late.
They they saw us.
- Act like we're together.
- What? - Hey.
- Hey.
- Oh, hey.
- How's it going? - Jim.
- Hey.
Well, we I was just using the bathroom.
You guys going in or No.
No, we're we're going to look at an apartment.
Oh.
Um, oh, Jeannie, this is m John, my partner.
Uh, writing partner.
- Nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you.
I really like your scarf.
Oh, thank you.
You know, I got it on Elizabeth Street.
There's this really cute, like, scarves and candles store and they have cats.
Like, cat treats.
There's a cat named Eleanor who sits there all day, like Well, we should go.
How how you been? You been all right? Good, good, good.
And you? I'm also doing great.
Yeah, he's headlining Carolines tonight and I'm opening for him.
Oh, well, I'll see you around.
Dave got you banned from Carolines and now he's headlining? He's got a TV deal.
That's how it works.
John Mulaney liked my scarf.
["Love Hurts" by Nazareth.]
Love hurts Love scars - Love wounds - [horn honks.]
Voilà, the upstairs is divided into several bedrooms.
This is unbelievable.
- H how much is this place? - And wait until you see this.
Ba-ba! This kitchen is bigger than our entire living room.
- An outdoor space! - Yeah.
- How much is it? - And that is the city park, so they can never put up buildings and ruin your view.
I see our children playing, and I'm watching them through this window while I make my own pasta, and I'm seasoning it with herbs from from my own herb garden right there, and there's and there's places where we can build snowmen in the winter and come right inside again for hot chocolate and in the summertime, fresh flowers! And a gigantic blueberry bush.
And a baby pool! How much is it? Don't worry about it.
This is everything we have ever wanted.
It it's like we're in the city but we're not in the city.
A suburban home but not in the suburbs.
- What is the asking price? - See, that's the thing What? They're very motivated.
[scoffs.]
Cruel.
[laughs.]
I love New York! Yeah! Why would you even show us this place? We could never afford it.
Oh, you can always make a bid.
Yeah, I can always win Powerball.
Jim, you live in a two-bedroom apartment with five children.
You're not an old lady who lives in a shoe.
- It is time for an upgrade.
- [phone vibrates.]
Please.
Hey, Stevie.
Did you see last night's "Dancing With the Stars"? - Barbecue.
- No.
Who knew Joe Biden could jitterbug? I is this why you're calling me? No.
Guess who wants to have a meeting with you? Who? No, I want you to guess.
Uh, I don't want to guess.
Just tell me who.
Come on.
I don't know.
A real agent? No, silly.
I'm your agent.
You have a meeting with Will Ferrell.
Will Ferrell? Yes, he wants to have a meeting with you on Monday in LA.
Monday? LA? Called to ask when you would be in LA next.
I know you have nothing so I said Monday.
But but I'm in New York.
W what's the meeting about? Who knows? This is a big opportunity.
Pitch him something.
A movie, a show.
I I can pitch him my weatherman sitcom.
Or some other idea.
You don't like the weatherman show? I love it.
It's funny, right? Yeah, it's funny.
It's a comedy.
You know, just email me the where and when and I'll be there.
Thanks.
Bye.
Jim, we heard the whole thing.
Will Ferrell? Jim, you're gonna meet with Will Ferrell? Are you nervous? Don't be nervous.
Are you going to be funny? Oh, that's a good idea.
You should try to be funny, Jim.
Look, I'm just going to talk to him.
He's a comedian like me.
- He's not just a comedian.
- No, no, no, no, no.
- He's like a movie star.
- Jim, - He's like a comedy icon.
- Okay, this is big.
You could finally give your wife and kids a good life.
- Don't blow it, Jim.
- You know what? I loved "Anchorman.
" I think he started Funny or Die.
He's funny and he's rich, so he's like the opposite of you, Jim.
Just don't get nervous.
When you get nervous then you get that dot on your face.
- It's more like a splotch.
- It's like a blister and - And it grows.
- And it gets bigger and bigger and then you're not funny.
Would you two stop? I'm gonna be fine.
Why would I be nervous? I've got a great idea.
I'm gonna pitch him the weatherman sitcom.
Remember? Or something else.
[man beatboxing.]
- Hardwick.
- Jim, hey.
How's it going man? You look great.
What's going on? Got a meeting with Will Ferrell.
Ooh.
What? Nothing.
I'm I've heard some but I'm sure it's fine.
I'm sure he's fine.
You you're not going to his office, are you? You'll be fine.
I'm sure it'll be fine.
I got to go.
We're developing "Walking Dead on Ice.
" - It's going to be great.
- Ice? I'll see you later.
[flatulent creaking.]
That was the couch.
[chuckles.]
That wasn't me.
See? Watch this.
It didn't do it that time, but You lived in LA long? [mouths words.]
You're from Fort Worth? Mexican food's great here, huh? I don't bring that up because of the couch.
I I love Mexican food.
Not just 'cause I'm Mexican.
Mr.
Ferrell will see you now.
Thank God.
Oh.
[Couch creaks.]
Couch.
I'm not nervous.
[ominous music.]
[door slams, echoes.]
Who dare comes before the great Will Ferrell? Be funny or die.
This is Jim of House Gaffigan.
Never heard of it.
You stand before the great Will Ferrell, King of the Elves, Ruler of Nights of Talledega, Man of Anchors, Wielder of Blades of Glory.
Be funny or die.
So what pitch do you bring to me, House of Fattigan? It's Gaffigan.
Spit it out, fool.
Oh, it's about this weatherman and he Is this your office? It's it's nice, but the weatherman, he, um I can't concentrate on a word you're saying because of that giant splotch on your face.
It's repulsive.
So, uh, uh, the weatherman moves to New York and he, uh Not funny.
You die.
Off with his oversized head.
No, no Save his white, bulbous body for the hounds.
That's good meat.
Uh, can we talk about this? Uh, I guess I'm a little nervous.
Interesting.
Sounds very appealing to me.
And, uh Hey, come in.
Yeah, yeah.
Hold on one second.
Hey, Jim? Welcome.
Just have a seat.
It'll take a second.
No, go ahead.
Donate all the money.
Yes.
I had a good year.
Yeah, bye.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Thanks for, uh, meeting with me.
Oh, my gosh.
Are you kidding me? Look.
I'm just gonna cut to the chase.
Um, I think you are so funny and I want to do a show with you, but what? Oh, wow, well, I do have an idea for a show.
It's about a weatherman from Indiana.
- Right.
- The guy he's kind of a star on the local morning show in Gary.
Gary! Gary the weatherman.
No, he's from Gary.
Oh, oh, he's from Gary.
- Yeah.
- And his name is Gary.
His name is Jim but he's from Gary.
I would play him.
Of course.
Sorry.
Yes, love it.
Yeah.
Anyways, so he's kind of a star on this local show in Gary, Indiana where they make the bathroom smell.
Oh, I didn't know that.
Well, that that's a joke.
[Stamming.]
Gary, Indiana, it smells weird there.
- Oh, okay.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
- No, no.
Got it.
Yeah.
So anyway, our weatherman gets hired by this morning show in New York, - right.
- Okay.
And everyone in New York treats this guy from Indiana like he's an uneducated farmhand.
They're like, "Hey, welcome to New York.
"This lamp thing's called electricity.
"You can use a chair.
You don't got to sit on the ground no more.
" - I'm crazy about this idea.
- Oh.
Yeah, and I want to tell you something, Jim.
My dad was a weatherman.
Well, that's really? I mean, not professionally.
But he he was really good at, you know, sensing when it was gonna rain.
That's a skill.
- Let's make this show.
- Yeah, let's do it.
I don't see any reason why this shouldn't be on television.
Right? That's great.
Will Ferrell liked your weatherman idea? He loved it.
Really? Yeah.
He was crazy about it.
Outdoor space-crazy? Outdoor space-crazy.
Oh, my gosh.
Jim, my dream apartment.
Will asked me to come in tomorrow with five episode ideas.
I've got ten.
Jim, we're so close to being able to have our own TV show.
- I know.
- Oh, you know what? Joseph is eating crayons again.
I got to go.
I love you.
- Yeah.
I love you too.
- Honey, what are you doing? [sighs.]
[harp glissando.]
Can't believe our show won all these Emmys.
This is the greatest moment of my professional career.
[sultry saxophone music.]
[record scratch.]
Uh, I got to eat something.
[laughter.]
So then the people in Chicago don't know that northwest Indiana - is, like, ten minutes away.
- No.
Oh! It's true.
That's so good.
Jim, all these episodes are dynamite.
Oh, thanks.
You know who asked me about the show? - Who? - Ron Howard.
Wow.
I said, "Back off.
It's mine.
" That's amazing.
All these episodes.
- Oh, spot on.
- Oh, thanks.
Yeah, and we're definitely gonna make this show.
Yeah? Great.
But in the interim, I've got this other project that I'm so excited about that I would I would love to get your help.
Yeah, yeah, please.
Whatever you need.
- You're not just saying that? - No.
Happy to help.
Fantastic.
Great.
I think you're going to love this.
This, my friend, is the future of comedy.
[humming and chirping.]
How outrageous is that? Yeah, that's yeah.
He He's using the microphone.
Yeah.
So you're producing the Dave Marks show on TV Land? I sure am.
Yeah.
Jumped at the chance to do it.
This thing's gonna be epic.
It's just it's just missing something and I can't quite put a finger on it.
Hmm.
Humor? No, no.
A foil, Jim.
- Okay.
- A yang to Dave's yin.
You mean like a bromance? Hmm? Did you just make that up? No.
- That's brilliant.
- Oh.
Yeah.
That's why we need your voice on the show.
Yeah, yeah, well, what about my show? Jim, give me your hand.
Um We are making your weatherman show, okay? We're making it, okay? - Okay.
- Okay? Um My bond is sacred, okay? Okay.
- Right? - Yeah.
But for right now, I need your help on this show.
Look, I want to help you.
I I really do.
I just I don't know if if If what? Is this not something you want to do? No, I I think you misinterpret I'm totally into doing it.
- You're into it? - Yeah.
Oh.
Great.
I thought there was a problem there for a second.
- Yeah, I was acting.
- Oh! That I I gotcha.
Hook, line, and sinker.
Why wouldn't I want to do it? I know Dave and I you know, I think I could make a terrific contribution.
This is gonna be great for both of us.
Really is.
Bromance.
Gosh.
So good.
Can I use that? Yeah, I think it's Really? You're not gonna be weird? You've never heard that term? No.
So, wait, you're gonna work for Dave Marks after he betrayed you? Not for, with.
So the show is about you and Dave? No, it's Dave's show.
I would be a character on the show and Will Ferrell really wants me involved in the writing.
[baby coos.]
But I thought John Mulaney was writing with Dave.
He is writing, but Will wants me to write and appear on the show.
Will thinks I'm funny.
That's I don't know, Jim.
Jeannie, Will Ferrell's producing.
This is how he does it.
He still wants to do the weatherman show, but he wants to do Dave's show first.
It sounds pretty crazy to me.
Yeah, outdoor space-crazy.
Okay.
You definitely have to do it.
- Can I have a bite of that? - Yeah.
Move that all into the scene.
Yeah, that one.
Not the updated one.
Not the one with the preview.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Hey.
I'm gonna get a a water.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Look, I know things have been kind of awkward between us, but I I'm sure we can make things work, and for my part, I'm really thrilled.
I'm honored to have you be a part of this thing and I'm really looking forward to what you have to contribute, so.
Thanks.
I that that means a lot.
Of course.
Come on, man.
- Come on.
- Thanks.
- All right.
- All's good? - Yeah.
All right.
- Good.
- Hey, Jim.
- Hey.
- Welcome aboard.
- Thanks.
- Let's get started, huh? - All righty.
All right, Jim, you have notes? I have notes.
- You have notes.
- I thought of some ideas.
You got some ideas? What do you got? Well, you know, I was thinking about this.
- All right.
- So Dave, you're a single guy living with your mom in Jersey City, right? I'm a married guy living in Manhattan with my wife and five kids.
We're opposites, right? But I was thinking of different stories.
Like, one would be remember the time you crashed the kid's birthday party I had to go to in Central Park? - I don't know about a kid's show.
- Um Yeah, no.
- No? Okay.
- No.
But, I think there's something there.
Yeah, yeah.
Like, but maybe instead of any of that and the kid's birthday party, remember when we were at Sarah Silverman's birthday? Oh, yeah, yeah.
And the waiter came out with the nachos.
He did that thing with the thing.
He did that thing and we were both immediately like Both: "These ain't nachos.
" [laughter.]
Oh, my God.
That was like, I laughed from my bowels just now.
- I love that laugh.
- That's a good sign.
- I love to laugh.
- Put that in.
Put What what happened? You can say that there, and then my question is, do you want that? Oh, my God, yes.
- You still like it? - I like it.
- I like it more now.
- I like that you like it.
I like it more, yeah.
I can't if I can't see what you're writing down, I can't really contribute.
Can you just stop whining, please? Okay, this is my shot, all right? It's not "The Jim Gaffigan Show," you know, which I'm sure I'm sure would be fine.
Anyway, your character's the easy part.
It's the schlubby middle-aged bald guy married to the smoking hot wife.
Meanwhile, we've got feelers out to Kelly Ripa.
Kelly Ripa? I mean Do you really think you're going to be able to get her? She has a talk show.
Why would she do a sitcom on TV Land? She would do it for Dave.
And we need an actress of that caliber because this woman is so strong yet so vulnerable.
- Right, you know.
- Right.
Trapped in a loveless marriage to an outspoken anti-Semite.
What? W what was that last part? Well, I'm sure Will told you that your character's like, the cranky curmudgeon, you know, who's always yelling things like, "Get off my lawn," and "Argh, those pesky Jews.
" I'm not saying anything anti-Semitic.
Well, that's good.
You don't have to.
The actor playing you will be saying the things that are anti-Semitic.
I'm not playing myself? - No, it's not a reality show.
- Please.
So, like, Jim Gaffigan doesn't play Jim Gaffigan, and there'll be sets instead of real places.
- I know that.
- It's not like I need to be surrounded.
Right, we get a real actor to do it, and that way Dave has real actors to work with.
- I need real actors.
- But I'm an actor.
Yeah, I mean, as much as John and I appreciate you working the Hertz commercial we're going to need a little bit more than "My car," you know? I mean, meanwhile we got an offer out to Louie, so.
Louie CK has his own show.
- No, Louie Anderson.
- Louie Anderson.
And when he passes, John Goodman.
John John Goodman.
Aren't those guys in their 60s? - You seem 60.
- Me? No, I'm not You're 59.
I'm not even close to 59.
You're a New York 50 but you're a Hollywood 60, and all that means is that you look 60.
Yeah.
All right, look, I have other ideas here, so You have ketchup on your face.
That's not that's my splotch.
I'm sorry you're upset, honey.
I want to support you.
If I work on Dave's show I'll be miserable but if I don't, Will Ferrell will think I'm difficult.
I think you'd rather be difficult than miserable.
But if I'm difficult then I don't get to do my weatherman show.
Absolutely.
So I say go with miserable.
I can't believe you want me to be miserable.
Okay, fine, then by all means, be difficult.
I'm not difficult.
Oh, you're definitely difficult.
You know, at least visually.
Listen, I want this apartment really badly, it's true.
But I don't want you to be miserable.
So if you don't want to do the show, don't do it.
Yeah, that way you can be difficult and selfish.
- You're not helping, Daniel.
- No, he's right.
I got to just suffer through this and focus on my weatherman show so that we can get the nice apartment.
Really? We can? Yes.
In fact, tomorrow, I'm just gonna be super positive in the Skype with Will.
Skype? Can your head even fit on a computer screen? I can put makeup on your splotch.
I don't need makeup.
And then we were like Both: "These ain't nachos.
" [laughter.]
'Cause they weren't.
They were, uh, I think they were pita chips.
Oh, my gosh.
Such a fun party, so much fun.
Jim, do you, uh, do you know Sarah Silverman at all? Yeah, I know Sarah.
I just didn't know about the party.
Oh, that's funny, 'cause she said she didn't know you.
Anyway, I like all these ideas a lot.
Oh, great.
Okay, terrific.
Well, thanks.
Thanks so much.
Hey, I love seeing the three of you work as a team.
It's great for me.
The only thing is, something isn't quite popping and I just want to make one small tweak.
And here's my thought.
Hear me out.
Dave, instead of being a comedian, what if you were a weatherman? Seriously? I love it.
I love it.
From Jersey City.
Uh-uh, no, Idaho.
- Idaho.
- Do do you mean Indiana? Oh, even better.
Great idea, Jim.
And his name shall be Gary.
Oh, yeah.
This fall, TV Land Both: Gary the weatherman! Jim, is that ketchup on your face? It's my splotch.
[man beatboxing.]