The Kominsky Method (2018) s02e06 Episode Script
Chapter 14. A Secret Leaks, a Teacher Speaks
1 Are you familiar with the five stages of grief? The Keebler-Ross thing? - Kübler.
- Oh.
Kübler.
Keebler is the cookie people.
Uh, yes, I think so, yeah.
So where do you think you are? Really? This is what you want to talk about? Yeah.
I thought it was pertinent.
[SIGHS.]
I'm in denial.
- That sounds right.
- Glad you approve.
You know, when Eileen died, I I just I I couldn't I couldn't accept it.
Even at the funeral, I kept feeling like it was a big mistake and she was just just gonna walk through the door.
What's the one after denial? Is it depression? No, anger.
At some point, you're gonna start lashing out at the injustice of it all.
Well, it's certainly not fair.
Like that.
And after that comes bargaining.
Making deals with God, washing the feet of lepers, - overtipping valets.
- Uh-huh.
It's only when that gambit goes tits up that you hit depression.
You want to maybe read a magazine? I left my glasses in the car.
Here, look at the pictures.
[GRUNTS.]
Alan Thicke.
Oof.
Boy, is he dead.
You know, when you think about it, you're actually pretty lucky.
I don't feel lucky.
Oh, you are.
A couple of years ago, you'd be getting chemo or radiation.
You'd be weak, nauseous.
Your hair would be falling out in big clumps.
You'd be the object of pity, really.
But now with this immuno stuff, you get to carry on like you don't have a life-threatening condition.
I'm starting to feel anger.
Yeah! That's progress.
[SIGHS.]
Excuse me.
Hey! My friend had a 2:30 appointment for his cancer treatment.
It's now 3:15! Who do I have to bugger to get some help? And now I'm depressed.
Now maybe we'll get a little action.
- How are you feeling? - I'm fine.
You hungry? Wanna stop and get something to eat? Uh No.
You can just take me home.
Okay.
When do they do another CAT scan? In three months.
So, in the meantime, you're in purgatory.
Huh.
Yeah.
- Neither here nor there.
- Afraid so.
Betwixt and between.
[LAUGHS.]
What? I was just thinking about when I went through testicular cancer.
After they removed my right testicle, Eileen would joke that she always liked the left one better.
She called you Lefty? No.
Between the sheets, I was Norman Koufax.
Get it? - He was a lefty.
- I got it.
I I got it.
- [TIRES SCREECH.]
- [HORN HONKS.]
The speed limit's 40, Norman.
Everybody's having to go around us.
That's their business.
- [HORN BLARES.]
- Hey, I need to ask you a favor.
- Sure, what do you - [HORN BLARES.]
Ignore him.
I need you to tell your daughter what's going on.
[HORN BLARING.]
[MAN.]
Asshole! Drop dead, you inconsequential fuck! Jesus, where did that come from? I have no idea.
So, what do you think? About telling Mindy? [SIGHS.]
Why make her worry? You tell her because it's the right thing to do.
Yeah, well, I disagree.
- Well, you're wrong.
- Why do you care so much? - [HORN BEEPS TWICE.]
- Hang on.
[BEEPS HORN.]
Oh, now you're polite.
That was a friendly beep, and I reward friendly beeps.
Sandy, when I was a little boy, my father got very sick and no one would tell me what was going on.
Everything was kept a big secret, and then when he died, I still couldn't get a straight answer from anybody.
My mother, my sisters, my aunts, my uncles.
Nobody would talk to me.
The best I ever heard was, "God took Daddy to heaven so he could be with Grandpa Louie.
" Yeah, well, that was that generation.
Well, it's a stupid thing to tell a child.
Yeah, but my case is different, right? - The doctors said I'm gonna beat this.
- [LAUGHS.]
Of course they said that.
That doesn't mean anything.
And I'm back in denial.
Secrets are poison.
Don't keep secrets, Sandy.
- Okay, I get it.
- Don't do that to Mindy.
- I said I get it.
- Do you? - [PHONE RINGS.]
- Oh, shit.
The car is brand new.
I haven't figured out the hands-free thing yet.
It's the little guy who's talking.
What little guy? Right there.
The little guy.
The face.
Oh, here.
- Hello? - [MADELYN.]
Norman? Madelyn? Hi.
Hi.
Yeah, I'm I'm here with Sandy in the car.
Hello, Sandy.
Hi, Madelyn.
What are you fellas up to? Well, Sandy's got some lung cancer, but we're taking care of it.
- Oh, my God! - For Christ's sake.
But it's a secret 'cause he's a tough guy and no one can know.
Oh, Sandy, I'm so sorry.
Is Is there anything I can do? Yeah, make up with Norman so he'll have less time to spend with me.
- [BOTH LAUGH.]
- That's actually a good plan.
Can we make that the plan? Well, we do need to talk.
So, any chance you're free tonight? Good chance.
Very good chance.
Hang on, Madelyn.
I'm gonna mute you for a moment so I can talk to Sandy.
Which one's the mute? The one that says "mute.
" Oh, yeah.
Hang on, Madelyn.
What are you doing? She's throwin' you an olive branch.
I promised you we'd go to Musso's tonight.
Don't worry about Musso's.
We can do that any time.
Listen to you, talkin' like a guy with a rosy future.
Jesus Christ, Norman.
Don't mess this up.
- You'll be okay? - I'll be fine! Maybe I'll take your advice and talk to - [BEEPING.]
- [BOTH YELL.]
[BEEPING SPEEDS UP.]
How did we not hit that guy? I don't know.
Does this car have that collision avoidance system? Yeah.
Oh.
- I guess it works.
- I guess it does.
What kind of schmuck stops in the middle of a street? A schmuck who could see a red light.
Pick a team, Sandy! Talk to Madelyn.
Right, right, yeah.
Hello? Everything okay? Yeah.
Hunky-dory.
So, how about dinner? I would love that.
Sandy, do you mind if I borrow Norman for the evening? When you say "borrow him," does that mean you're bringing him back? [CHUCKLES.]
I'm afraid so.
[HORN BLARES.]
[TIRES SCREECH.]
- Drop dead, you bag of shit! - What? Uh, I said, how's seven o'clock sound? Yeah.
That's what he said.
[SIGHS.]
[RATTLING.]
This is my favorite part.
Watch this.
In all the years I've been coming here, he's never spilled a single drop.
[CHUCKLES.]
Oh, dear Lord.
It's thrilling, right? - [CHUCKLES.]
- Thank you, Alex.
- Yes, thank you.
- You're welcome.
How often do you come here? Oh, it varies.
Maybe five or six times a week.
Wow! Why not make it seven? - Yeah, they're closed on Monday.
- Oh.
- Cheers.
- Cheers.
Mm.
- [SIGHS.]
- So Yes, so, um If you're dumping me, I think we should go Dutch.
Just shut up and let me talk.
Sorry.
Okay, here it is.
I loved my husband, but he was a very angry man.
And I was constantly walking on eggshells.
Then when he got sick, I, uh I thought that it might make him, uh softer, a little gentler, but his temper got worse.
[SIGHS.]
It was a nightmare.
So, when I blew up at Phoebe I just got right back on those eggshells.
[INHALES.]
I I cannot I I will not live like that anymore.
I understand.
[SIGHS.]
I I don't know what to say.
I I don't like to think of myself as an angry person, but my nickname at work was the Prince of Darkness.
- Hm.
- Well, that might be a clue.
Yeah, maybe.
But it it's just, in my business, getting mad and yelling and putting the fear of God into people's It's worked pretty well for me.
Did it work for Eileen? [CHUCKLING.]
No.
I had to buy a foldout couch for the den.
Spent a lot of nights there.
It was It was like my Elba.
What about your daughter? Sh [SIGHS.]
She walked on eggshells around me.
So you get it.
I do.
And I know I can't promise that it'll never happen again.
Well, that's a problem.
Yeah.
[SIGHS HEAVILY.]
How about this? How about we have an agreement? If I ever raise my voice around you, you have permission to roll up a newspaper and and give me a good whack on the head.
- [CHUCKLES.]
Like a bad dog? - Exactly.
In fact, why don't you just go ahead and say, "Bad dog"? - And whack you? - Not Not to cause pain.
Just to startle me with the noise.
I'll take it from there.
Good dog.
- Arf.
- [LAUGHS.]
- Hey, Sandy.
- Hey.
Oh, okay.
All right.
- Sandy.
- Oh! - [LANE.]
Yes.
- Hey, thanks, guys.
Nice to Nice to see you.
Yeah, it's good.
Thanks.
My man! All right! Hey.
All right.
Here.
[CHUCKLES.]
That's right.
- Sandy.
- Hey.
Oh! Thank you.
Hey.
[CHUCKLES.]
Oh What the fuck? - Hi.
- Hi.
I hope you don't mind.
Mindy said I I could wait in here.
Uh, wait for what? For your acting class.
You're taking my class? [CHUCKLING.]
Yeah.
She signed me up.
Said I needed to get out of the house.
- Hey, I'm reading your book.
- Yeah, I I see that.
I'm up to chapter four.
"Don't Play the Subtext.
" I like that.
- It's, uh It's subtle.
- Thanks.
Where is, uh, Mindy? Uh That, I couldn't tell you.
I was I was just told to wait here.
All right.
Well How are you feeling? Good, yeah.
Feelin' strong.
Yeah, thanks.
Good.
- Good.
- Yeah.
It's all good.
I don't know why I say that.
I hate that saying.
"It's all good.
" You ever know anything that was all good? But, uh, in general, I am good.
Most mostly good.
And you? Um also good.
So we are both good.
Mm-hm.
"Johnny B.
Goode.
" "Good Golly, Miss Molly.
" "Good Vibrations.
" Maxwell House, good to the last drop That one doesn't work as good.
Okay.
[SIGHS.]
How are you liking retirement? It's good.
Yeah.
[DOOR OPENS.]
I just saw your text.
What's up? Oh, that's that's not important.
It It can wait.
Really? "Need to talk.
Important.
" Yeah.
No, no No, I handled it.
- You sure? - Yeah.
You ready? You bet.
By the way, when I was in high school, I understudied the role of George in Our Town.
- Really? Ah.
- Yeah, so I'm not new to this.
Thank you, Alex.
You're welcome.
Feel like dessert? Ooh! Maybe.
What do you have in mind? - You like frozen yogurt? - I do.
Good.
I know just the place.
Hm.
I wouldn't have figured you for a yogurt guy.
I'm not.
It's awful.
Okay, so Jude and I have chosen to do a scene from Two and a Half Men.
Which was on Channel 2, but now it's on Channel 348.
[SANDY.]
Wait, wait.
Hang on.
The assignment was to pick a classic comedy scene, and you picked Two and a Half Men? Yeah.
You could've picked, uh, Oscar Wilde, George Bernard Shaw, Neil Simon, Aristophanes, and you went with Two and a Half Men? I used to watch it with my grandma.
She liked how dirty it was.
What channel's Aristophanes on? Never mind.
Let's see it.
I'm Alan and he's Charlie.
That's how I'd cast it.
What's better than live theater? - I'll tell you.
Nothing.
- [CHUCKLES.]
- Right? - Mm.
[SIGHS.]
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Men, men, men, men Manly men, men, men Men Twelve years a-and she just throws me out.
Uh What was the point of our wedding vows? "'Til death do us part.
" Who died? Not me.
Not her.
How'd you get in my house? Charlie, the key in the fake rock only works if it's among other rocks, not sitting on your welcome mat.
[LAUGHTER.]
Well, excuse me, but if you put the fake rock with all the other rocks, it's impossible to find when you're drunk.
- [LAUGHTER.]
- I'm a good husband.
I'm faithful.
Well, is she? - I-Is she what? - Uh, faithful.
[SPLUTTERS.]
Don't be ridiculous.
Uh Judith doesn't even like sex.
All she kept saying was she felt suffocated.
Sh-She kept going on and on.
"I'm suffocating.
I'm suffocating.
" What does that mean? Has a woman ever said that to you? Well, sure.
Not a woman who doesn't like sex.
[LAUGHTER.]
Jake! Uh, this could destroy Jake.
Jake My son? Ah, well, you know, teenagers are pretty sophisticated these days.
[LANE.]
He's ten.
Look, this is just until things settle out.
A A couple of days, max.
She'll come to her senses.
Sure.
That's what women do.
[LAUGHTER.]
Look, you can have the guest bedroom.
I'm gonna go get you some sheets.
That's okay.
Uh I brought my own.
You brought your own sheets? I like my sheets.
- [LAUGHTER.]
- Okay.
Good night.
Wait! Wait.
We hardly ever talk to each other.
[JUDE SIGHS.]
What do you wanna talk about, Alan? [LANE.]
I don't know.
I I was named chiropractor of the year by the San Fernando Valley Chiropractic Association.
- Okay.
Good night.
[SIGHS.]
- Hang on! What about you? What's goin' on with you? Well, Alan, there's really not much to say.
You know, I I make a lot of money for doing very little work.
I sleep with beautiful women that don't ask about my feelings.
Uh I drive a Jag.
I live at the beach.
And sometimes, in the middle of the day, and for no reason at all, I make myself a big pitcher of margaritas.
And I take a nap out on the sun deck.
Huh.
And scene.
[LAUGHS.]
Bravo! Okay.
That was, uh, one way to rip off The Odd Couple.
Well, thank you.
Before we critique the scene, I wanna take a step back and talk a little bit about comedy as a genre.
Why don't you guys sit down? What separates Oh, uh, okay.
What separates comedy from drama? Is there, in fact, a separation? - Martin, just hold off a second.
- Sorry.
Should we, as actors, even acknowledge a divide between the two forms? Human beings cry, they love, they fear, they laugh, they rage.
Which of those things is more important, more worthy of their intentions than the others? The answer is simple.
None of them.
They're equal.
Which means we don't play comedy.
We don't play drama.
We play the truth.
If you're cast in a comedy, perhaps a sitcom, and there's a joke in your script, you don't play the joke.
You play the reality of the moment.
If there's laughter to be had, it'll take care of itself.
You don't need to help it.
In fact helping it is the worst thing that you can do.
[TUTS.]
Eh Uh Yes, Martin? Uh, what if the joke stinks? That's not your concern.
You're providing services as an actor, not a critic.
Right, but you could help it along, like, you know You see They make funny faces or they make a a comedy noise, or [BLOWS RASPBERRY.]
or [YELPS.]
you know, to help it.
- No.
- No? That doesn't seem fair.
She was recently promoted to night manager.
- No kidding.
- Yeah.
She goes to AA meetings during the day and sells yogurt at night, and I couldn't be more proud.
Next step, rescue her son from Scientology.
[PHOEBE.]
Next! - Hey! - I brought you a new customer.
- Madelyn.
- Hi, Phoebe.
What can I get you? I'd like a cup of strawberry with all of the fixings.
Make it two.
Except vanilla and just M&M's.
Phoebe, is there a ladies room here? Uh Not officially, but through that door and on the right.
Oh, thank you.
I'll be right back.
Um, there's no light and there's no paper, so just use your phone, and take this.
Hey, I was planning on visiting Mom this Sunday.
Would you like to go with me? You're going to the cemetery? Is she somewhere else? No, I'm just surprised.
I I didn't think you cared that much.
Yeah.
Um Turns out I do.
I need to make amends for being such a shitty daughter.
How do you do that? She's dead.
I don't know, Dad.
I'm just doing what I was told to do in order to stay sober.
Yeah, okay.
I'll go with you.
Great.
Thank you.
And congratulations on getting back together with Madelyn.
She's awesome.
Yeah, she is.
Phoebe, I I I I would like to apologize for being so angry.
What? When you were growing up, I was angry a lot.
And going forward, I will try to be better.
Thank you.
Apology accepted.
I'm glad.
Thank you.
And please Don't forget the M&M's.
Right.
[CHUCKLES.]
That's so fetch.
Gretchen, stop trying to make fetch happen.
It's not gonna happen.
[LAUGHTER.]
- And scene.
- [APPLAUSE.]
[MAN.]
Yeah.
Good.
Okay, good job.
Before we call it a night, I want to introduce a new student.
Everybody, this is Martin Schneider.
Yeah, okay.
Martin, we have a tradition here at the Kominsky Studio.
Newbies are given a few minutes to tell us a little bit about themselves, why they're here, whatever you want, really.
Uh Okay.
Um [SANDY.]
Martin.
From the stage.
I should come down there? Oh, boy.
Uh [CLEARS THROAT.]
- Is this really a tradition? - It is now.
Um Whew! Hi.
Hello students.
Uh As you heard, my name is Martin Schneider.
Actually it's Martin Lester Schneider.
Hey, maybe if I become an actor, I'll I'll just be Martin Lester.
Not so ethnic.
I grew up in New York.
Syosset, Long Island.
I taught high school history and English right here in LA for phew a long time.
And I I just recently retired and, uh fell in love with Mindy.
I don't know how that happened.
But, uh thank God it did.
And, uh, there you go.
That's that's that's it.
That's not it? Um I, um I should probably mention this.
I recently had a, uh a heart attack which, uh scared the shit out of me, to be honest.
I really thought I was gonna die.
But, as you can see, I am still here.
Uh And the crazy thing is nothing really changed.
I'm still doin' what I've always done.
I just go around pretending everything is okay.
Everything's good.
I don't I don't Uh, I don't think it is.
Mm After a couple of weeks of mopin' around the house, Mindy said I should put on some clothes, go do something.
I said, "What?" And she said this.
So [SIGHS HEAVILY.]
Here I am.
I'm takin' an acting class instead of sitting home, wonderin' what the hell I did with my life.
Because I don't know.
I don't know.
Scene.
- Oh.
Kübler.
Keebler is the cookie people.
Uh, yes, I think so, yeah.
So where do you think you are? Really? This is what you want to talk about? Yeah.
I thought it was pertinent.
[SIGHS.]
I'm in denial.
- That sounds right.
- Glad you approve.
You know, when Eileen died, I I just I I couldn't I couldn't accept it.
Even at the funeral, I kept feeling like it was a big mistake and she was just just gonna walk through the door.
What's the one after denial? Is it depression? No, anger.
At some point, you're gonna start lashing out at the injustice of it all.
Well, it's certainly not fair.
Like that.
And after that comes bargaining.
Making deals with God, washing the feet of lepers, - overtipping valets.
- Uh-huh.
It's only when that gambit goes tits up that you hit depression.
You want to maybe read a magazine? I left my glasses in the car.
Here, look at the pictures.
[GRUNTS.]
Alan Thicke.
Oof.
Boy, is he dead.
You know, when you think about it, you're actually pretty lucky.
I don't feel lucky.
Oh, you are.
A couple of years ago, you'd be getting chemo or radiation.
You'd be weak, nauseous.
Your hair would be falling out in big clumps.
You'd be the object of pity, really.
But now with this immuno stuff, you get to carry on like you don't have a life-threatening condition.
I'm starting to feel anger.
Yeah! That's progress.
[SIGHS.]
Excuse me.
Hey! My friend had a 2:30 appointment for his cancer treatment.
It's now 3:15! Who do I have to bugger to get some help? And now I'm depressed.
Now maybe we'll get a little action.
- How are you feeling? - I'm fine.
You hungry? Wanna stop and get something to eat? Uh No.
You can just take me home.
Okay.
When do they do another CAT scan? In three months.
So, in the meantime, you're in purgatory.
Huh.
Yeah.
- Neither here nor there.
- Afraid so.
Betwixt and between.
[LAUGHS.]
What? I was just thinking about when I went through testicular cancer.
After they removed my right testicle, Eileen would joke that she always liked the left one better.
She called you Lefty? No.
Between the sheets, I was Norman Koufax.
Get it? - He was a lefty.
- I got it.
I I got it.
- [TIRES SCREECH.]
- [HORN HONKS.]
The speed limit's 40, Norman.
Everybody's having to go around us.
That's their business.
- [HORN BLARES.]
- Hey, I need to ask you a favor.
- Sure, what do you - [HORN BLARES.]
Ignore him.
I need you to tell your daughter what's going on.
[HORN BLARING.]
[MAN.]
Asshole! Drop dead, you inconsequential fuck! Jesus, where did that come from? I have no idea.
So, what do you think? About telling Mindy? [SIGHS.]
Why make her worry? You tell her because it's the right thing to do.
Yeah, well, I disagree.
- Well, you're wrong.
- Why do you care so much? - [HORN BEEPS TWICE.]
- Hang on.
[BEEPS HORN.]
Oh, now you're polite.
That was a friendly beep, and I reward friendly beeps.
Sandy, when I was a little boy, my father got very sick and no one would tell me what was going on.
Everything was kept a big secret, and then when he died, I still couldn't get a straight answer from anybody.
My mother, my sisters, my aunts, my uncles.
Nobody would talk to me.
The best I ever heard was, "God took Daddy to heaven so he could be with Grandpa Louie.
" Yeah, well, that was that generation.
Well, it's a stupid thing to tell a child.
Yeah, but my case is different, right? - The doctors said I'm gonna beat this.
- [LAUGHS.]
Of course they said that.
That doesn't mean anything.
And I'm back in denial.
Secrets are poison.
Don't keep secrets, Sandy.
- Okay, I get it.
- Don't do that to Mindy.
- I said I get it.
- Do you? - [PHONE RINGS.]
- Oh, shit.
The car is brand new.
I haven't figured out the hands-free thing yet.
It's the little guy who's talking.
What little guy? Right there.
The little guy.
The face.
Oh, here.
- Hello? - [MADELYN.]
Norman? Madelyn? Hi.
Hi.
Yeah, I'm I'm here with Sandy in the car.
Hello, Sandy.
Hi, Madelyn.
What are you fellas up to? Well, Sandy's got some lung cancer, but we're taking care of it.
- Oh, my God! - For Christ's sake.
But it's a secret 'cause he's a tough guy and no one can know.
Oh, Sandy, I'm so sorry.
Is Is there anything I can do? Yeah, make up with Norman so he'll have less time to spend with me.
- [BOTH LAUGH.]
- That's actually a good plan.
Can we make that the plan? Well, we do need to talk.
So, any chance you're free tonight? Good chance.
Very good chance.
Hang on, Madelyn.
I'm gonna mute you for a moment so I can talk to Sandy.
Which one's the mute? The one that says "mute.
" Oh, yeah.
Hang on, Madelyn.
What are you doing? She's throwin' you an olive branch.
I promised you we'd go to Musso's tonight.
Don't worry about Musso's.
We can do that any time.
Listen to you, talkin' like a guy with a rosy future.
Jesus Christ, Norman.
Don't mess this up.
- You'll be okay? - I'll be fine! Maybe I'll take your advice and talk to - [BEEPING.]
- [BOTH YELL.]
[BEEPING SPEEDS UP.]
How did we not hit that guy? I don't know.
Does this car have that collision avoidance system? Yeah.
Oh.
- I guess it works.
- I guess it does.
What kind of schmuck stops in the middle of a street? A schmuck who could see a red light.
Pick a team, Sandy! Talk to Madelyn.
Right, right, yeah.
Hello? Everything okay? Yeah.
Hunky-dory.
So, how about dinner? I would love that.
Sandy, do you mind if I borrow Norman for the evening? When you say "borrow him," does that mean you're bringing him back? [CHUCKLES.]
I'm afraid so.
[HORN BLARES.]
[TIRES SCREECH.]
- Drop dead, you bag of shit! - What? Uh, I said, how's seven o'clock sound? Yeah.
That's what he said.
[SIGHS.]
[RATTLING.]
This is my favorite part.
Watch this.
In all the years I've been coming here, he's never spilled a single drop.
[CHUCKLES.]
Oh, dear Lord.
It's thrilling, right? - [CHUCKLES.]
- Thank you, Alex.
- Yes, thank you.
- You're welcome.
How often do you come here? Oh, it varies.
Maybe five or six times a week.
Wow! Why not make it seven? - Yeah, they're closed on Monday.
- Oh.
- Cheers.
- Cheers.
Mm.
- [SIGHS.]
- So Yes, so, um If you're dumping me, I think we should go Dutch.
Just shut up and let me talk.
Sorry.
Okay, here it is.
I loved my husband, but he was a very angry man.
And I was constantly walking on eggshells.
Then when he got sick, I, uh I thought that it might make him, uh softer, a little gentler, but his temper got worse.
[SIGHS.]
It was a nightmare.
So, when I blew up at Phoebe I just got right back on those eggshells.
[INHALES.]
I I cannot I I will not live like that anymore.
I understand.
[SIGHS.]
I I don't know what to say.
I I don't like to think of myself as an angry person, but my nickname at work was the Prince of Darkness.
- Hm.
- Well, that might be a clue.
Yeah, maybe.
But it it's just, in my business, getting mad and yelling and putting the fear of God into people's It's worked pretty well for me.
Did it work for Eileen? [CHUCKLING.]
No.
I had to buy a foldout couch for the den.
Spent a lot of nights there.
It was It was like my Elba.
What about your daughter? Sh [SIGHS.]
She walked on eggshells around me.
So you get it.
I do.
And I know I can't promise that it'll never happen again.
Well, that's a problem.
Yeah.
[SIGHS HEAVILY.]
How about this? How about we have an agreement? If I ever raise my voice around you, you have permission to roll up a newspaper and and give me a good whack on the head.
- [CHUCKLES.]
Like a bad dog? - Exactly.
In fact, why don't you just go ahead and say, "Bad dog"? - And whack you? - Not Not to cause pain.
Just to startle me with the noise.
I'll take it from there.
Good dog.
- Arf.
- [LAUGHS.]
- Hey, Sandy.
- Hey.
Oh, okay.
All right.
- Sandy.
- Oh! - [LANE.]
Yes.
- Hey, thanks, guys.
Nice to Nice to see you.
Yeah, it's good.
Thanks.
My man! All right! Hey.
All right.
Here.
[CHUCKLES.]
That's right.
- Sandy.
- Hey.
Oh! Thank you.
Hey.
[CHUCKLES.]
Oh What the fuck? - Hi.
- Hi.
I hope you don't mind.
Mindy said I I could wait in here.
Uh, wait for what? For your acting class.
You're taking my class? [CHUCKLING.]
Yeah.
She signed me up.
Said I needed to get out of the house.
- Hey, I'm reading your book.
- Yeah, I I see that.
I'm up to chapter four.
"Don't Play the Subtext.
" I like that.
- It's, uh It's subtle.
- Thanks.
Where is, uh, Mindy? Uh That, I couldn't tell you.
I was I was just told to wait here.
All right.
Well How are you feeling? Good, yeah.
Feelin' strong.
Yeah, thanks.
Good.
- Good.
- Yeah.
It's all good.
I don't know why I say that.
I hate that saying.
"It's all good.
" You ever know anything that was all good? But, uh, in general, I am good.
Most mostly good.
And you? Um also good.
So we are both good.
Mm-hm.
"Johnny B.
Goode.
" "Good Golly, Miss Molly.
" "Good Vibrations.
" Maxwell House, good to the last drop That one doesn't work as good.
Okay.
[SIGHS.]
How are you liking retirement? It's good.
Yeah.
[DOOR OPENS.]
I just saw your text.
What's up? Oh, that's that's not important.
It It can wait.
Really? "Need to talk.
Important.
" Yeah.
No, no No, I handled it.
- You sure? - Yeah.
You ready? You bet.
By the way, when I was in high school, I understudied the role of George in Our Town.
- Really? Ah.
- Yeah, so I'm not new to this.
Thank you, Alex.
You're welcome.
Feel like dessert? Ooh! Maybe.
What do you have in mind? - You like frozen yogurt? - I do.
Good.
I know just the place.
Hm.
I wouldn't have figured you for a yogurt guy.
I'm not.
It's awful.
Okay, so Jude and I have chosen to do a scene from Two and a Half Men.
Which was on Channel 2, but now it's on Channel 348.
[SANDY.]
Wait, wait.
Hang on.
The assignment was to pick a classic comedy scene, and you picked Two and a Half Men? Yeah.
You could've picked, uh, Oscar Wilde, George Bernard Shaw, Neil Simon, Aristophanes, and you went with Two and a Half Men? I used to watch it with my grandma.
She liked how dirty it was.
What channel's Aristophanes on? Never mind.
Let's see it.
I'm Alan and he's Charlie.
That's how I'd cast it.
What's better than live theater? - I'll tell you.
Nothing.
- [CHUCKLES.]
- Right? - Mm.
[SIGHS.]
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Men, men, men, men Manly men, men, men Men Twelve years a-and she just throws me out.
Uh What was the point of our wedding vows? "'Til death do us part.
" Who died? Not me.
Not her.
How'd you get in my house? Charlie, the key in the fake rock only works if it's among other rocks, not sitting on your welcome mat.
[LAUGHTER.]
Well, excuse me, but if you put the fake rock with all the other rocks, it's impossible to find when you're drunk.
- [LAUGHTER.]
- I'm a good husband.
I'm faithful.
Well, is she? - I-Is she what? - Uh, faithful.
[SPLUTTERS.]
Don't be ridiculous.
Uh Judith doesn't even like sex.
All she kept saying was she felt suffocated.
Sh-She kept going on and on.
"I'm suffocating.
I'm suffocating.
" What does that mean? Has a woman ever said that to you? Well, sure.
Not a woman who doesn't like sex.
[LAUGHTER.]
Jake! Uh, this could destroy Jake.
Jake My son? Ah, well, you know, teenagers are pretty sophisticated these days.
[LANE.]
He's ten.
Look, this is just until things settle out.
A A couple of days, max.
She'll come to her senses.
Sure.
That's what women do.
[LAUGHTER.]
Look, you can have the guest bedroom.
I'm gonna go get you some sheets.
That's okay.
Uh I brought my own.
You brought your own sheets? I like my sheets.
- [LAUGHTER.]
- Okay.
Good night.
Wait! Wait.
We hardly ever talk to each other.
[JUDE SIGHS.]
What do you wanna talk about, Alan? [LANE.]
I don't know.
I I was named chiropractor of the year by the San Fernando Valley Chiropractic Association.
- Okay.
Good night.
[SIGHS.]
- Hang on! What about you? What's goin' on with you? Well, Alan, there's really not much to say.
You know, I I make a lot of money for doing very little work.
I sleep with beautiful women that don't ask about my feelings.
Uh I drive a Jag.
I live at the beach.
And sometimes, in the middle of the day, and for no reason at all, I make myself a big pitcher of margaritas.
And I take a nap out on the sun deck.
Huh.
And scene.
[LAUGHS.]
Bravo! Okay.
That was, uh, one way to rip off The Odd Couple.
Well, thank you.
Before we critique the scene, I wanna take a step back and talk a little bit about comedy as a genre.
Why don't you guys sit down? What separates Oh, uh, okay.
What separates comedy from drama? Is there, in fact, a separation? - Martin, just hold off a second.
- Sorry.
Should we, as actors, even acknowledge a divide between the two forms? Human beings cry, they love, they fear, they laugh, they rage.
Which of those things is more important, more worthy of their intentions than the others? The answer is simple.
None of them.
They're equal.
Which means we don't play comedy.
We don't play drama.
We play the truth.
If you're cast in a comedy, perhaps a sitcom, and there's a joke in your script, you don't play the joke.
You play the reality of the moment.
If there's laughter to be had, it'll take care of itself.
You don't need to help it.
In fact helping it is the worst thing that you can do.
[TUTS.]
Eh Uh Yes, Martin? Uh, what if the joke stinks? That's not your concern.
You're providing services as an actor, not a critic.
Right, but you could help it along, like, you know You see They make funny faces or they make a a comedy noise, or [BLOWS RASPBERRY.]
or [YELPS.]
you know, to help it.
- No.
- No? That doesn't seem fair.
She was recently promoted to night manager.
- No kidding.
- Yeah.
She goes to AA meetings during the day and sells yogurt at night, and I couldn't be more proud.
Next step, rescue her son from Scientology.
[PHOEBE.]
Next! - Hey! - I brought you a new customer.
- Madelyn.
- Hi, Phoebe.
What can I get you? I'd like a cup of strawberry with all of the fixings.
Make it two.
Except vanilla and just M&M's.
Phoebe, is there a ladies room here? Uh Not officially, but through that door and on the right.
Oh, thank you.
I'll be right back.
Um, there's no light and there's no paper, so just use your phone, and take this.
Hey, I was planning on visiting Mom this Sunday.
Would you like to go with me? You're going to the cemetery? Is she somewhere else? No, I'm just surprised.
I I didn't think you cared that much.
Yeah.
Um Turns out I do.
I need to make amends for being such a shitty daughter.
How do you do that? She's dead.
I don't know, Dad.
I'm just doing what I was told to do in order to stay sober.
Yeah, okay.
I'll go with you.
Great.
Thank you.
And congratulations on getting back together with Madelyn.
She's awesome.
Yeah, she is.
Phoebe, I I I I would like to apologize for being so angry.
What? When you were growing up, I was angry a lot.
And going forward, I will try to be better.
Thank you.
Apology accepted.
I'm glad.
Thank you.
And please Don't forget the M&M's.
Right.
[CHUCKLES.]
That's so fetch.
Gretchen, stop trying to make fetch happen.
It's not gonna happen.
[LAUGHTER.]
- And scene.
- [APPLAUSE.]
[MAN.]
Yeah.
Good.
Okay, good job.
Before we call it a night, I want to introduce a new student.
Everybody, this is Martin Schneider.
Yeah, okay.
Martin, we have a tradition here at the Kominsky Studio.
Newbies are given a few minutes to tell us a little bit about themselves, why they're here, whatever you want, really.
Uh Okay.
Um [SANDY.]
Martin.
From the stage.
I should come down there? Oh, boy.
Uh [CLEARS THROAT.]
- Is this really a tradition? - It is now.
Um Whew! Hi.
Hello students.
Uh As you heard, my name is Martin Schneider.
Actually it's Martin Lester Schneider.
Hey, maybe if I become an actor, I'll I'll just be Martin Lester.
Not so ethnic.
I grew up in New York.
Syosset, Long Island.
I taught high school history and English right here in LA for phew a long time.
And I I just recently retired and, uh fell in love with Mindy.
I don't know how that happened.
But, uh thank God it did.
And, uh, there you go.
That's that's that's it.
That's not it? Um I, um I should probably mention this.
I recently had a, uh a heart attack which, uh scared the shit out of me, to be honest.
I really thought I was gonna die.
But, as you can see, I am still here.
Uh And the crazy thing is nothing really changed.
I'm still doin' what I've always done.
I just go around pretending everything is okay.
Everything's good.
I don't I don't Uh, I don't think it is.
Mm After a couple of weeks of mopin' around the house, Mindy said I should put on some clothes, go do something.
I said, "What?" And she said this.
So [SIGHS HEAVILY.]
Here I am.
I'm takin' an acting class instead of sitting home, wonderin' what the hell I did with my life.
Because I don't know.
I don't know.
Scene.