The L Word s02e06 Episode Script

Thanks for joining me.
I don't usually do this socialize with my students.
I'm glad you're making an exception for me.
Ah, you know, it gets kinda lonely on the road sometimes.
Yeah, I know.
You must miss your family.
I'm sorry, did I overstep? I'm trying to do the right thing, Kit, you know.
I'm away from them nine months out of the year, sleeping alone in hotel rooms.
Yeah.
Back in the day, I dealt with it by just getting hammered every night, and waking up with a different man every morning.
Well, I'm glad you don't feel the need to do that anymore.
Well, I can't say that I don't feel the need.
I just don't act on it like I used to.
Well, I - I guess it's goodbye then.
Yeah, yeah, well, look.
Thanks for keeping me company, I appreciate it.
Oh, it was my pleasure.
Shit Uh, um, I, uh, think I should go.
Yeah.
Yeah, okay.
Yeah.
Okay? Yeah, okay.
Okay.
Yeah.
Ep 6: "Lagrimas de Oro" I don't even like this stupid picture.
It's just the only thing that I have that isn't from Bette, or of Bette.
Oh, my god.
I love this song.
"Hit me with your best shot!" "Why don't you hit me with your best shot? Hit me with your best shot!" Is that straight? "Fire awaaaay!" No.
It's crooked.
Oh, guitar solo.
I'm drums.
Tina, Hello? I'm doing the solo! Aah! Oh jeeze! Okay! Okay, not a problem.
Oh! Oh, hi! I, uh, I did ring the bell but I guess you couldn't hear me over the cacophony.
How are you! Um - god, I'm not, um - it's kind of a mess, I'm not really prepared for company.
I was just on my way to brunch and I thought I'd drop off this paperwork.
Now the Headquarters for Social Justice has money in the bank! Wow! Where do I sign up? Hi! Thank you, um can I make you a cup of tea? No, no, not today.
I'll see you Thursday.
Okay.
See you then.
Thanks - thanks for coming by! Oh, god.
What's Thursday? It's the Peabody Foundation dinner for all their grant recipients.
I can't believe she saw me like this.
Like what, like a pregnant woman at home doing normal things in her apartment? Like a normal person who doesn't always look like she was dressed personally by Yves St.
Laurent? I think I've put her off.
Did you see the way she looked at me? Yeah.
I did.
It was a little bit scary.
Are you sleeping with her? No.
No, I haven't! Are you gonna? I don't know.
I don't think I'm ready yet.
I mean, besides, look - with this.
Alice, don't be ridiculous.
She's not even interested in me.
Huh.
I don't know.
I can't tell.
Okay, do you Carmen is into me? Honestly.
Okay, when you went out with her, like was she just kind of, like you know I don't know reticent? Wait a minute.
- You went out with this girl? The girl you | - Fuck you, Mark.
And now you're going out with the same girl.
I am definitely not going out with her.
And that's cool? You guys - it's that common, you guys just, uh, share chicks and shit? We don't share.
I don't date Carmen anymore.
Oh, right, right, of course.
You have your two-fuck limit, right? Shane, how do you even convince a girl to go home with you? Doesn't your reputation precede you by this point? How do you? I don't know.
I, uh, make a lot of eye contact, laugh at all their jokes Oh, and what signs and seals the deal is I tell a tragic childhood story.
Oh, Mark.
You're so full of shit.
You know it's true.
Look, from what I know, the most important thing is to listen.
You get them talking, and you start hearing about their life, and then you figure out what they want.
Yeah, it's true, chicks do like to talk a lot.
But, you do not talk too much.
That's the thing.
Talking too much can kill it.
You don't tell your life story, and you don't let them tell theirs.
You should just show her, Shane.
Think about it.
I mean, you know this girl.
You've dated her, right? What a time saver it would be for poor Jenny just to have a little three-way.
Don't you think, Jenny? Hate to tell you this, Mark, but I don't fuck my roommates.
Damn! - Hey! | - Hey! Where ya been? Tonya's meeting is only a couple of hours.
I was at Tina's.
What meeting? Oh, you know, the Heineken Celebrity Slammin' Jammin' Tournament.
So can we go back to your place now? - Dana.
| - Yeah? I'm not gonna do this with you.
You're not gonna do what? I'm not gonna sneak around with you.
I'm not gonna be your secret lover, your backdoor woman Wha happened? I want you - I want you to leave her.
Al, I can't do that right now.
Why? Because.
The tournament's tomorrow.
'Cause Tonya set up the whole thing and it's a really big deal for me.
Okay.
Gross.
No, Al! Alice! Alice! What? Come here.
Please.
Please.
Al Look at me.
Alice.
Hm? I really really wanna be with you.
You do? Yes.
Well well then, will you break up with her after the tournament? - Hi.
| - What's up? You look good.
Oh I'm a mess.
Are you gonna invite me in? Um, to tell you the truth, I'm not really in the mood for company right now.
I'd rather you had called first.
Well is the apartment okay? I mean, are you comfortable here? It's fine.
I'm fine.
Is there something in particular? We should talk, Tina.
I mean, I can't carry on and pretend like it's all fine, and that I'm not as confused as hell by the whole thing.
Look.
I am - I'm just going to say what I have to say, and I hope that you're able to hear it.
Okay.
I don't know how you could keep this baby a secret from me.
I don't know how you could lie to me for nearly four months.
I mean, we were still together - we were a couple, and you were pregnant, and I had no idea.
I planned to tell you, and then you fucked off.
I fucked up.
I did not fuck off.
I did not leave; I am still here.
I want to have a place in this baby's life.
This is our baby, Tina.
Okay, I know that it's complicated.
I know that there are no easy answers.
There's probably no legal precedent.
And if you prefer, we can hire lawyers and make up documents - I don't even have a lawyer anymore.
Okay.
Fine.
I - you know what? I would rather that we work it out ourselves.
Well, I'm not sure I want to work it out.
Not in the way that you want it.
Did you use our sperm? I used the sperm we had stored at the cryobank, yes.
Then this is our baby, Tina.
I can't believe that you're doing this! You know what? We conceived of this baby together, we searched for a donor together, in fact, you know what? I found the donor.
Marcus Allenwood is a friend of mine.
And if we were husband and wife, this would be my baby.
Look, I just need to think about it, okay? Just give me some time.
Okay.
Oh, last one.
Do you want this? No, it's all yours.
Thank you.
You're so very welcome.
Mmm.
Mmm.
Mmm.
Good? Mmmm.
You're such a tease.
Well then, keep going.
I know thirst, it's so intense! Oh, you shit.
Whoo! God, you stink! - Oh, god, really? | - Yeah.
Aw, shit! Oh, now you are, too.
Now you're gonna stink! I can't believe you just did that.
No, I didn't mean to, of course.
I dunno.
- Hi.
| - Hey! Oh, how are you? Um.
I - I just wanted to say that Mark is out there filming with his video camera.
What? Okay, who would make out with a guy for a million dollars? - Who wouldn't? | - Would you? Hell yeah.
A lot less than that, actually.
What about you? Would you make out with a guy for a million dollars? A million and a half dollars? Ooh! I - I would make out with a Republican for a million dollars.
What? I think - I think that Republicans can be hot.
Take it back.
Why? Because.
Republicans are fucking scary.
Scary can sometimes be sexy.
They're not scary, they're stupid.
That's right, and stupid, Shane, can be even sexier.
Okay, but would you make out with a friend? Sure.
What about two friends at the same time? What? Oh, two friends at the same time? Uh - no, I wouldn't.
- Come on.
| - No.
- Yeah.
| - No, no.
Not for some horny guy's benefit.
Absolutely not.
I would not.
Jenny! Let's go get some more beer.
Bye.
Yeah, we're out.
Come on! No, don't.
No, thank you.
Hello, Bette.
Helena.
- Congratulations, by the way.
| - On? Leo Herrera.
He's going to be wonderful for the CAC.
You have such a gem.
Bette's going to be working with Leo Herrera.
He's coming to Los Angeles for six months to help raise money for the California Arts Center.
Hello? It's Bette Porter.
Bette.
Is something wrong? Leo Herrera.
I was planning on talking to you about this tomorrow.
I - Did Helena Peabody have something to do with this? Bette, I really don't think this is the time or place.
Now, I'd like to talk to you about this tomorrow morning - I asked you a question, Franklin.
It's irrelevant.
We're hemorrhaging, Bette.
You yourself said that this is the most difficult fund raising climate you've ever faced.
So you went behind my back and hired a fundraiser, without consulting me, in violation of my contract? We hired Leo as a consultant.
I suggest you take a look at your contract and you'll see that it's well within our purview.
Now if you want to discuss this with me further, please set up an appointment to talk with me during the day, tomorrow.
- Hi, it's me.
| - Hi.
It's - I'm having a rough time and it's can you talk, or are you busy? What's up? Fucking Franklin went and hired Leo Herrera to come raise money for the CAC and is actually moving him out from New York.
Without consulting you? And then I went to his house, unannounced, and went off on him in his driveway.
Uh.
No, no, no.
You didn't? Yeah, I did.
And you know who's responsible for this? Your buddy Helena Peabody.
The woman is a fucking dragon and she's making my life a living hell.
Oh please tell me you're not sleeping with her, Tina.
- Bette.
| - Are you sleeping with her? Are you fucking sleeping with her? It's none of your fucking business.
Don't do it, Tina, that woman will eat you alive.
She is a vampire.
Yeah, and a dragon.
That's right.
She is a monster.
However you wanna categorize it, she likes to fuck with people for sport and Bette! Look, you were in distress, and you needed someone to talk to, and I'm willing to listen.
But I'm not gonna do this with you.
Do what? What are we doing? You're trying to control me, and you can't.
I'm not - I'm not gonna talk to you about Helena Peabody! Oh, please! - Hi! | - Hi.
Fuck.
How's my little bride-to-be? Ready to play the best tennis of her life? Fine.
Okay.
Well, in order to, uh, get out of here, we need to leave in about 5 minutes, to be on the safe side.
So I'm just going to phone Anna Kournikova and Martina's people, make sure everything's okay in La Jolla, and then we're off, okay? Okay.
Hello? What - no, Alice, I haven't told her yet.
Stop pressuring me! Honey, who is that? Huh? My mom.
It's my mom.
She makes me feel so pressured when she - when she - when she calls me to wish me good luck.
Oh.
Okay.
Sorry.
So yeah, um, I just - I will call you back later.
'Kay, bye.
- Hi.
| - Hey.
Are you Shane "McCouchen"? McCutcheon.
I need you to sign this.
Hm.
Who - who are they from? Maybe you have a secret admirer.
There, is that good for you? Yes ma'am.
That's good for me.
Wow.
Don't you want to put them in water? Um.
Yeah.
Mm-hmm.
I do.
Uh but, I don't know if we have a vase.
I think this might work.
Yeah.
You're right.
It could work.
Thank you.
Your descriptive technique is better, but you're still skating on the surface.
How do you mean that I'm "skating over the surface"? Just think about it.
And then take another pass.
And remember you're not Clea.
Um, I know that I'm not Clea - Have you ever read any of the stories from my rodeo days? Yes.
I've actually I've - I've - read all of your stories.
Thought so.
You've got to find your own voice, Jenny.
Imitation may be the sincerest form of flattery, but it's not the best form of writing.
Um.
Okay.
But, with all due respect, I don't think that I'm imitating you, actually.
I'm not into the whole student-teacher transference thing.
I prefer to keep the boundaries between us crisp and clear.
Okay.
I will - I will keep that in mind, thank you.
Hey, Jenny.
Hey.
Hunter.
You ready? Yes.
I'll, uh see you later.
You know what, Jenny, hold on.
I have an assignment for you.
Okay, ready? Deep breaths.
One.
Good.
Two.
Good.
Three.
Three.
She is unbelievable.
You are a god, man! I mean, that's what I call good filmmaking.
Oh, goodness! Unbelievable, man! How do you know girls like this? For two hundred dollars you could know girls like that, Gomey.
See, I told you man.
Reality just needs a little help sometimes.
What are you doing, man? Pan back! Dude, hold on a second.
I just I wanna know what she's feeling.
Who gives a fuck what she's feeling? Try not speaking for the rest of the day.
Not a word.
Try communicating all your needs without using audible language.
Why? Don't ask why, just try it.
And then, write me an essay about your experience.
I can't believe I let you take me to La Jolla for this.
Okay.
You need to tell her to call this one off.
And just explain that the longer she waits, the more painful it's gonna get because she doesn't understand that, and just like, tell her if she - Alice, why do I have to tell her? She said she'd say something after the game! Honey, mellow out, please! There's Tonya! Cool.
Shit.
Thank you so much for today.
I know.
Melissa Rivers, I'm dying! I know.
I can't believe.
She's actually hosting the event.
Melissa Rivers? She doesn't even know we're here, does she? Okay, no.
Um okay, here's the plan, Stan.
I'm gonna go talk to Dana and you're gonna call me on this phone - take this - If you see Tonya coming.
Okay? This is dumb.
Alright, Sh - I don't have time for this, Shane.
Okay? God.
Dana! - Hey! | - Hi! - Hey, listen.
| - Yeah? If you don't promise to do this tonight? I refuse to leave this room.
Wait, wait! What? Wait! That's not fair, I said I would do it after.
Besides, what do I say? Mm! How 'bout - how 'bout, "Hi, Tonya, you're a scary robot and I'm not gonna marry you.
" And - and - mmm - "But you can still be my manager!" Oh, f - oh, god, that's Shane, that means Tonya's coming, so, um What was your escape plan, Al?! Plan - I did - I didn't really think about that one! Alice! Hi! Hi-i-i! How are you? Surprise!! Alice! Hi!! Tennis, anyone? Wow, did you - did you come up here just to support your friend? I did! That is so sweet.
Ah, yeah.
Melissa Rivers is great.
It is such a coup to get her, I can't tell you! Heineken is thrilled.
Yeah! You're a fantastic promoter, Tonya, you are! I mean, Dana's really lucky to have you as her manager.
And I am so glad that you came, because our little Miss Fairbanks has been a bundle of nerves.
Haven't you baby? Oh, have you? Ohh! Just one little match 'til we can go back and sleep in our own little beddy-bye, right Pookie-pie? Yeah.
Okay.
Well, I'm gonna leave you guys alone.
Okay.
But I am excited to see you kick some butt.
Yeah! Alright.
- Later, girl.
| - Bye! So when does your silence assignment end? I had a really great time with you, but I think I wanna do it again when you are a little bit more verbal.
Maybe.
Is that cool with you? Okay.
Hurry, hurry, hurry! Step right up, ladies and gentlemen! Boys and girls, girlie boys, and boyish girls! Tops! Bottoms! Queers! Bi's! Transgenders and label-free people of every stripe and variety! Come and see the amazing trio of human freaks, brought before you for entertainment and amusement.
On the high wire we have our first specimen, the silent ballerina.
And behind me our second specimen, the beautiful temptress.
And to my left our third specimen, the temptress tamer! Here it is.
But - I'm gonna need you to sign for it first.
Was it good for you? No, Kelly, you were a genius in this.
No, really, it's - it's - It's pretty fucking hot.
I think you're gonna enjoy it.
Thanks.
Hey, what's up? Are you sorry you did it? 'Cause if you don't want me to, I won't use it.
I don't want you to use it.
But Kel, it's good.
I mean, it's provocative, but it's not cheesy.
It's gonna work really well in the narrative of my film.
Your film.
"Lesbians Gone Wild"? No.
That's actually not what I have in mind.
I'm making a documentary.
I don't know, I Shane might get upset.
You're sure she's not home, right? Yeah I'm - I'm sure.
What? I don't wanna hurt her, that's all.
She was really nice to me.
That's it, she was - she was really nice to you? What does that mean, exactly? That she turns you on, she made you come real hard? Screw you, Mark.
I'm sorry, that was that was inappropriate.
It's just it's good, and guess I'm just a little jealous.
Of me, or her? Shut up! It's just - it's - it's really unbelievable, though, I just - that chick must have some kind of power or something.
I've never seen a girl have that kind of effect on other girls.
Sounds like she's working on you, too.
Not.
I'm just intrigued by her.
So does Shane sleep with a lot of girls? Melissa Rivers is out of water.
And her celebrity handler is just sitting there? What is wrong with these people?! I'll be right back.
Excuse me.
Okay.
Quick.
Shane? I need you to read this and tell me what you think.
What is it? It's a script, I wrote it for Dana to break up with Tonya because she was having trouble finding the words.
"Tonya.
There's something I need to say to you.
This isn't easy for me because you've worked really hard and done so much for my career.
" Alice.
It's karmically wrong.
It's gonna come back at you if you and Dana wind up together.
Alright.
Yoda needs to give me some better advice or Yoda needs to shut the fuck up.
I'm so glad you decided to come, baby sis, I think it's gonna be good for you.
I'm just doing this to support you, Kit, I'm not doing this for myself.
Aw, you may say now but it's transformative.
And if you don't mind me saying, you could use a little transforming right about now.
Please don't use that self-help jargon on me.
I will barf.
I am not a Moonie.
He just says a lot of things that make sense.
If you say so.
Do you think he's fine? Wait 'til you hear him speak.
Just something about the way he moves his body on stage.
You've begged, pleaded plotted, screamed and flailed! And yet, you've still not got that thing.
That one thing that you most want, that you can't live without! But! Have you taken the ultimate risk: Have you made yourself vulnerable? Say to yourself, What is the most vulnerable position for me? How can I put myself at risk to lose everything that I have to lose? Because, when you risk losing everything, you invariably stand to gain everything.
Okay.
Now's the time.
Oh, um, I wrote you a script.
A script? Yeah, so you know what to say.
Um.
Do you wanna practice? Okay.
"Tonya, there's something I need to say to you " I can't say this, Al, it's horrible! How is "This isn't easy for me because you've worked really hard and done so much for my career" horrible? I'm trying to soften the blow, here.
Because "I don't know what I was thinking when I agreed to marry you", That's a hideous thing to say to anybody, Al.
Fine.
No script.
It's okay.
- Oh, god.
| - Just improv.
I can't do this.
Yes, you can.
No, I can't.
I believe in you.
You do? Yeah.
Dana, go.
Go! Okay, okay.
Kit.
Doctor Bradshaw.
Oh, it's so lovely to see you.
And Bette.
I'm glad you decided to open yourself up.
Did you find it enlightening? Actually, you said a few things that - hit home.
Only a few things? Well, it was a few more than I was expecting, to be perfectly honest.
Well tell me your thoughts, uh, what in particular resonated for you? I guess the comments that you made about making yourself vulnerable.
You wanna know how to make yourself vulnerable to Tina, so that you and she can raise a child together.
Jesus, have you told him everything that's going on in my life? I was worried about you! I just wanted to help! Go to her tonight.
Wherever she is.
Bring her flowers.
If possible, flowers you've picked yourself, rather than bought.
Give Tina the flowers, and say "You hold all the cards.
" No matter what she says, say "You hold all the cards.
" It is my personal business I don't want some stranger knowing my personal business, especially someone like Benjamin Bradshaw.
Well, if there's anyone you should trust, it should be Benjamin, I mean he's a good person.
He's a fucking circus performer.
I thought you said he said something that hit home.
Well of course.
It's a technique of people like him.
You spout enough pre-packaged wisdom, there's bound to be something for everybody.
You know, I find something for me in the Vogue horoscope, too, that doesn't mean it's not bullshit.
Does that mean you're not gonna do the assignment? Pookie, where are you? God, your locker's like in Siberia! We are going to have to have a harsh conversation with somebody about that - Tonya, there's something I need to say.
Please.
Me too.
Why don't you go first? Okay.
Tonya You are an amazing woman.
You came into my life at a time when I was trying to figure out who I really was, and you made me feel so well taken care of.
You had such respect for me.
That I started learning to respect myself.
And I'll never forget that.
Or stop being thankful.
But I think I confused it with something else.
I know I confused gratitude with love.
Which means I care so much about you, I care SO much about you, but but I know in my heart that we don't belong together.
And in the long run, I think I think we'll both be glad that we realized it in time.
Before making a huge mistake like getting married.
Tonya? Tonya, baby? I am so sorry, I hope you haven't been waiting long, a fan cornered me in the hallway.
Could you give us a minute, please? Oh, my god, you told her.
Told me what? She seems to be taking it well, but then again, professional athletes are so emotionless - Tonya told me you were the strong, stoic type, especially in a situation like this, but I think it's good! In what situation? Dana well, this is what I wanted to talk to you about.
I I'm so sorry.
I don't even know how it happened, I couldn't help it, it just happened! It happened! What.
It just happened Lightning struck, the skies parted, I've seen the light.
Missy, now you are gonna make me cry.
Oh, my god.
Are you even gay? Melissa? Well, I like to think of myself as label-free.
I mean, love is love and I've fallen in love with Tonya the person, not the gender.
Oh, see? Now.
We have a lot we need to talk about.
But I think at this point, it's best to leave you to have some time to yourself to absorb.
And I am so grateful that Alice and Shane are here so I don't need to worry about you, I mean, a girl needs her friends at times like this.
Yeah.
Now, I can't wait to meet your mother.
Now, tell me, who wrote your grant proposal? It was so moving.
I think I'm going to copy it for the Peabody Foundation mission statement.
My wife and I wrote it.
My ex wife.
We've been divorced for three years.
Oh, and you still work together.
How progressive.
Helena's been on a rampage about Headquarters for Social Justice.
She's encouraging us all to come and take a tour of your facilities.
Oh.
Would you just excuse me? Excuse me.
Mm-hmm.
I have to take this.
Hello? Don't these boring, pretentious dinners make you really horny? Where are you? Waiting for you to come and show me another side of Tina.
And what side would that be? The side that wants to walk away from that table right this very second.
I'll be waiting for you by the pool.
What's my excuse? Why do you need an excuse? Well, because - Never apologize, never explain, Tina.
You know, I was so fucking bored up there.
You were the only thing that wasn't boring me to tears.
Come on.
Let's go for a swim.
I don't have a bathing suit.
And? You're not timid are you? Hadn't pegged you for being timid.
No, I'm not timid.
Is it because of Bette? I don't know.
Although I've never done this before.
Well, that's good.
I like the idea of being your first.
You know I wanted to sleep with you from the first moment I saw you.
I find that hard to believe.
This is what I find the most beautiful.
for the transcript.
Subing: Alucardo