The Last Man On Earth (2015) s02e06 Episode Script

Previously on The Last Man on Earth Did you ask the group if they wanted some bacon? Crickets are alive! TANDY: They're all eatin' bugs, man.
Why did I have to dress the dummy in Gordon's clothes? (sobbing) I sick and tired of you hitting on Carol! TANDY: All the evidence is gone.
Todd, do you have anything you want to tell us? The fat guy ate the bacon! (Sobbing) (whispers): Thanks, man.
Fist bump? Bump.
(blow-dryer stops) (clicking) (to "The Heat Is On"): The heat is off Of this waffle maker Friggin' plug is in But the heat is off Ooh, ooh Better check that wakka wakka wakka wakka Generator Friggin' gas gauge broke The gas gauge bro-oke It says half full But the sucker's on empty Gonna pour this ga-a-a-a-as In What? Gas looks weird It's friggin' super clumpy Like a ghost took a dump Into this gas can (motor fails) Ooh, ooh I'll eat you raw I'll eat you ra-haw Who needs heat? I'll eat a liquid waffle Ooh, hoo This waffle, wakka wakka wakka wakka (slurping) Sucks.
(hammering nearby) Phil! Will you hold it down out there? I'm trying to concentrate.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I'm gonna try and fix your stuff more quietly now.
(laughs): Nice! Lifting the bricks is the hardest part.
Yeah, I imagine your fingers must still be pretty slippery from all the friggin' bacon grease.
Aw, come on, Melissa, how many times do I have to say I'm sorry? TANDY: Wait, you're sorry? That's funny, I thought your name was Todd.
Boom, still got it.
(chuckles) So, uh, what's going on out here, huh? Playing a little gold bar Jenga? Little GBJ? - You want to join us? - Well, I'd love to, but I got a little gas situation on my hands.
Hey, Phil, could you check this out for me? You have knowledge of this kind of bull-crap.
Look at this.
OTHERS: Ew.
Yep, it's gone bad.
Gas goes bad? (chuckles): I told you this a million times.
Nobody remembers this? No, I remember, but, you know, just for those who might not have been paying attention at the time shame on you You know, maybe run over it one more time, just the ABC's of it? Unbelievable.
Gas lasts about three years.
- Three years.
Yep, I remember that.
- And diesel lasts a year or two longer than gas.
One or two more.
Yeah.
- And there's jet fuel - Fuels jets.
Which lasts longer than diesel but still has an expiration date.
Date when it expires.
None of these are long-term solutions.
Nobody remembers this? Well, you know what? I'm glad this is happening.
Because now you finally realize that Malibu is the worst place we could be.
Shut your ever-loving tongue! (others speaking angrily) Phil, you are such a crank! Why can't you appreciate where you are for once? You know what I appreciate? Food.
And fresh water.
And there's very little of that here.
And now that the gas has gone bad, it's gonna be very tough to find fresh supplies.
All right, so what do you suggest, Phil? We need to go to a more livable place, guys.
We are not moving.
We love Malibu.
Look, guys, there comes a point where we need to decide whether we continue to live for today, or actually plan for tomorrow.
You know, Phil might be right.
Malibu's good for now, but what about when we start having kids? Well, let's just not have kids, then.
ERICA: Yeah, I'm good with that.
Okay, so it's decided No kids, we're gonna live for the now, and the now starts now.
(chanting quietly): YOLO, YOLO, (growing louder): YOLO, YOLO, YOLO! YOLO! YOLO! YOLO! YOLO! YOLO! (groans) YOLO! You know, I'm-I'm really tired of doing all the work out here.
Maybe I should get a breather, huh? Have myself a little YOLO time.
That's what I'm gonna do.
Yeah.
Here's the tool belt.
You'll be just fine without me.
- ERICA: Yep.
- All right, good luck.
I thought he was gonna take his pants off.
I am so thrown for a loop.
I thought everyone wanted to have babies.
Hey, don't worry, Care Bear.
They'll come around.
I don't know.
You heard Phil.
Nobody wants to raise a baby in the wastelands of Malibu.
Maybe we should move.
Hey, what if I was to whip this place into shape? How you gonna do that? Phil's not the only one around here with skills to pay the bills.
You gonna pay the bills with your skill set? - I'm gonna try.
- I think that's a great idea, Phil.
You know, it could gain some points with the group.
I'm not trying to gain points That sounds gross.
I'm trying to earn points.
There's a big difference.
Well, I can see the difference.
And I think soon the others will, too.
I mean, Todd already has, huh? Yeah.
It's so nice to see the two of you fisting each other again.
Oh.
Yeah, yeah.
You keep this up, pretty soon you'll be fisting the whole community.
Hope to.
Hey, buddy.
What's all this? Ah.
Well, you know, since it seems like we're committing to Malibu here, and Phil's out on strike, thought I'd take it upon myself to give her a little makeover.
Solar panels, huh? Yeah, let's get a little power in this tower, huh? (chuckles): Yeah.
Little wattage in this cottage.
Little sizzle in the hizzle.
(chuckles): Love it! - Ah.
Well, you need a hand? - No, got two already But I'd love some company.
Well, then you got some company.
You're not just company, bud, you're a whole corporation.
That's not a weight crack, by they way, that's speaking of the size of your friendship.
Well, you're a corporation, too, and I am talking about your weight.
Ha! It's good to have you back.
I've missed this.
- I have, too.
- Yeah.
So, uh, you know how to install these things? Well, you know, I watched Phil put 'em up in Tucson, and I got the general gist You know, you just throw these suckers out where the sun hits 'em, and that's gonna send a little juice into that wire and, uh, plug that into something, and then, zap, electricity.
Well, good, good.
That's great.
Something on your mind, bud? (sighs) Yeah, I'm a little bummed about Melissa not wanting to have babies.
You know, I thought we were on the same page there.
I think she's still a little upset about the whole bacon thing.
Then you know what? Why don't you jump in here? A little community consciousness could just change your fortunes, huh? Women love a doer.
Thanks, man.
Hey, you see something over there that looks like something that wire would plug into? - I don't.
- I think just this empty cardboard box.
(chuckles): Yeah.
Well, I don't think that's it.
(laughs): No.
Does it have, like, a little plug-sized hole or anything? No.
I-I think it's just the box that the panels came in.
- Yeah, that's what I thought.
- Yeah.
Oh, look, says here you got to plug it into a junction box.
Oh, do we have a junction box? I don't know what that is.
And we're sure it's not that cardboard box? I-I don't think so.
(chuckles): Yeah.
I don't, either.
(Laughs) Well, maybe we should pick one of those up, huh? - Yeah? - Yeah.
That's a pretty good call.
Want to go get some food first? - I could eat.
- Okay, great.
Well, then food, junction box store, then we light this mother up.
- Bam.
- Ha-ha! (slaps Todd's behind) Whoa! Got me.
Got to stay on your toes.
TODD: I certainly do.
(low crackling) Yeah, should be a pretty open-and-shut case once we get down to beeswax.
Couple of men stretching their wings out under the sun.
(chuckles): Yeah.
We're gonna have it done by nap time.
(electrical crackling) Uh, Tandy? I-I think we got a problem.
Well, this is a shocking turn of events.
Boom, I still got it.
TODD: That looks kind of dangerous.
It's definitely in the dangerous family.
Let's give her a poke.
Careful.
Careful's my middle name, bro.
Just kidding.
It's Tandy.
(electrical crackling) Yeah, that's all in the family.
TODD: At least it's not stuck anymore.
- At least it's not stuck anymore.
- Yeah.
Knock, knock.
Hey, Carol.
I've just been thinking about what you said regarding not wanting a baby, and I have to admit, I was a little thrown.
I'm sorry.
Well, not as sorry as you're gonna be if you never meet this little guy.
Whoa.
What-what is that? This is everything of which you never knew you ever dreamed.
This is what you and Todd's baby would look like.
(high-pitched, gruff): Mama.
Kind of puts a little different spin on things, doesn't it? Mm, yeah.
- That's a real game-changer.
- I knew you would think so.
That's the spirit! We can do it together.
No, I'm not bringing a baby into this world.
There are no doctors.
We're running out of food, and there are whale carcasses everywhere.
So you want my baby to die alone? 'Cause that's what's gonna happen.
We're all gonna die, and he's gonna be - It's a no.
- No? Look that baby in the eyes and tell it no.
(high-pitched, gruff): Mama, I want to exist.
Carol, it's a no.
Okay.
Okay.
(high-pitched, gruff): Big mistake.
(electrical crackling) All right, Todd, it's safe.
Now we just have to figure out a way to get her in that junction box.
Yeah, maybe we should go get Phil.
- I bet he'd know what to do.
- We can't get Phil! Okay? We have a chance here to really prove ourselves to the community, earn a little respect.
I want to do this for them.
Fine, okay.
What do we do? (sighs heavily) - (electrical crackling) - I don't know.
Just got to figure out a way to cut off her food supply.
I think I have just the idea.
CAROL: Hey, girl.
(laughs): Wow! Melissa! Am I right? What about Melissa? "What about Melissa?" Come on, she's being as stubborn as a mule who refuses to reproduce.
Yeah, I think I'm gonna have to side with Melissa on this one.
My sister had kids, and it turned her nether regions into a real war zone.
Her boobs were like coin purses.
Well, who doesn't love a good coin purse? Put it in your hand and feel all those coins? Just feel richer and richer - the more you squeeze? - No.
I'm not gonna have kids, Carol.
No.
Chuck me another duvet.
Here.
(electrical crackling) Easy, buddy.
She's dancing, man.
Spitting fire.
You working with me or against me, you freaking tape? She is super pissed.
Quick, Tan.
In and out, man.
You got it.
I'm out of tape! Oh, I'm not! Okay.
Aah, the tape receded! - Okay, you got it? - Got it.
Got it.
Come on, that's it.
It is complete.
Just-just straight back, Tan.
Come to my voice.
You're home, bud.
Now we wait for her to die of starvation.
Sweet dreams, my lady.
See you in hell.
GAIL: Oh, Gordon, you're so handsome.
And your hair's looking good.
- (door opening) - CAROL: Gail? Yoo-hoo! I just thought I could Geez.
Geez, Carol, knock! - I'm so sorry.
- (sighs) Oh.
Were you masturbating? Yes.
I was masturbating.
Well, just curious.
Would you have been masturbating to the idea of having a baby? No, Carol.
That ship has sailed.
Okay.
Worth a try.
Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Okay.
Okay.
Maybe knock next time, Carol.
Well, I just didn't know you were masturbating in here all the time.
- Well, now you know.
- Okay.
Mm.
Are you sure that's all the duvets? That's all of 'em, Tandy.
The sun's still sneaking in there somehow.
I don't get it.
You know, it's-it's like it's gotten worse since we put the duvets on.
Should we take the duvets off and see if she calms down? Aah, no, I don't think that's a good idea.
Yeah, you're right.
You're right.
(sighs) Okay, we're done.
- What? - We're done.
- No way! What are you gonna do, man? - Look You know, I wanted to do this so I could show the community how much I care about them.
But I you know, if I really care about them, I got to do the right thing here.
All right, wish me luck.
Godspeed, bro.
(electrical crackling) Sorry to interrupt, but I really need your help.
We got a rogue wire on our hands.
Look, this isn't the easiest thing in the world for me, okay? You're the last person I want to come groveling to for help.
But I'm trying to do what's best for the group here.
I'm busy.
Please.
It's getting really dangerous.
Well, you're on your own.
Can we not let this be about our stuff right now? And what stuff would that be, huh? (electrical crackling) Oh, come on.
You know exactly what I'm talking about.
I mean, how long is it gonna take you to get over all this? - Over what? - Carol.
Don't go there, Tandy.
I-I don't get why she chose me over you, either.
Okay, you're clearly the better choice.
But one of these days, you're gonna have to wrap your head around it, 'cause I'm not going away! Okay, so, I'm sorry, but she chose me.
- Come again? - Carol chose me.
- (grunts) - (others exclaiming) Phil, knock it off, man! Phil, come on! Hey, stop it! Not cool, man! Tandy, are you okay? I'm fine.
What did you do that for?! What, are you a big man now? Huh? MELISSA: Yeah, pick on someone your own size.
This is like hitting a girl! I don't know about that.
What do you have to say for yourself, Phil? Where are you going? What are you doing? TODD: Hey! - Hey! - Hey! - Phil! - Phil! (knocking) Oh.
What do you have to say for yourself? Okay, then I'll start.
That was wrong, Phil.
You could have really hurt him.
Yeah, you can't do that, man.
He was just standing there.
Yeah, we all know Tandy's a tool, but you can't just punch up on someone's face for that.
Yeah, being a tool is annoying, but it's not a crime.
Okay, thank you for the support, guys.
I, uh, disagree with the tool stuff, but, uh, you know, appreciate the the sentiment.
But, look, I provoked him, okay? I-I didn't mean to, but I did it, okay? You shouldn't have punched me, but, you know, let's just - move on from this, okay? - GAIL: No! You need to be punished! You do the crime, you do the time.
Do you remember that, Phil? I think we ought to make him touch that wire.
TODD: No.
We have a system of punishment that works the stocks.
Tandy did it, I did it, and it works.
Now it's Phil's turn.
CAROL: Well, how many days for a person punching someone? We got a day for bacon.
This is much worse than bacon.
This is assault.
So, what, two days? That sounds good.
Yeah, all right, so, two days it is.
Off to the stocks, Phil.
No.
Yeah-huh.
- Nope.
- TANDY: Okay, Phil, look, it-it seems like a fair punishment, okay? I mean, the-the group has spoken, and-and we're not gonna negotiate with you on this, okay? You know, C to the T, and and, uh such.
Okay, tell you what.
We'll negotiate with you a little on this one, but, like, just one back and forth, and then you got to do whatever we land on.
Okay? So, uh, punishment-wise, wh-what you thinking? (laughs) None.
Okay, okay, I hear you.
But here's what I'm coming back with.
Some punishment.
After everything I've done for you guys? Look at how crappy this place got in the one day that I haven't been fixing things for you.
You can now get electrocuted in your very own home.
Good job.
No.
I don't feel bad I punched Tandy.
I shouldn't be punished for something I should have done a long time ago.
- Oh hey! - Well hey! - You can't just walk away! - Come back here! This is a society! Ridiculous! God.
Still want to have kids? (smacks lips) (sighs) (electrical crackling) Did you try covering the panels? What do we look like? People who wouldn't try covering the panels? - Duvets.
We tried duvets.
- We tried duvets.
GAIL: And the wire's supposed to go in one of those things? It's called a junction box, Gail.
(Scoffs) (Phil 2 clears his throat, Erica gasps) - Phil.
- He's out.
(electrical crackling) What's he doing? What's he going to do, punch it? On-off switch.
Shut the front door.
There's a? Look, I came out here 'cause I wanted to say something.
(whispers): He's hopping in the stocks.
Watch.
I thought long and hard about what happened yesterday, and I finally came to my senses.
I knew it.
I'm leaving Malibu.
For good.
I knew it.
Leaving Malibu.
Said it, called it right here.
Yeah, yeah.
I can't believe he's actually leaving.
I mean, he's just doing it.
He said he was gonna do it.
Now he's in the process of actually doing it.
He's just, like, loading up his car, putting all his stuff in there.
He's gonna do it.
He's just doing it.
GAIL: We're better off without him.
And I won't miss him throwing it in our face, all the stuff he's been fixin'.
- What a martyr.
- I know.
Yeah, I hate people like that.
It's like, we get it, you know? We get it.
We understand.
Uh, who does that? Before I leave, I have one last thing to say.
I need to apologize to somebody who's very special to me.
Carol, I know my actions have upset you.
And you deserve happiness.
And for the longest time, I've stood in the way of that, so I just want you to know, I never meant to hurt you.
I just don't understand.
How could you be with Tandy? He's a dolt.
He's dumber than a bag of hair.
He held us all up at gunpoint, Carol.
He threatened to kill me.
He-he tried to cheat on you, and he poops in the ocean, right in front of our beach every damn day! What is that? Carol (laughing): you're with the wrong guy.
But it's not too late to change that.
As I learned from all of you, YOLO.
You only live once.
And I want my once to be with you.
Carol, I love you.
Will you come with me? I'm pregnant, Phil.
I'm pregnant.