The Millers (2013) s02e06 Episode Script

That is it, Ray.
That's the last time I go to paintball with you.
I mean, the last thing you said to me was, "I got your back.
" I did have your back! Well, then how did this happen? Hey, it's not my fault you don't understand hand signals.
I clearly said Oh, I'm sorry.
'Cause I thought you said Hey, watch your language.
Shh, shh, shh.
Shh, shh, shh.
Hey! What are you doing in my kitchen? We needed a bottle of tequila for something we're making.
What are you making? Me drunk.
You know, Mom, I'm starting to think that your roommate is a bad influence on you.
Oh, lighten up.
This is the only way I could get her to make prank calls with me.
I'm calling the mayor and asking him to prom.
No, you're not using my phone.
Mom You're right, you're right.
You-you got bigger problems.
Since, uh since your refrigerator isn't running.
Uh Yeah, it is.
Then then you better go I can't! A fridge running catch it Shh.
Shh.
Listen, listen, listen.
Oh.
Oh, hey.
Mayor Hot Stuff? Shh.
What's that? Oh, my God, Carol, I called the wrong number.
Hey, Dad, how's the renovations going? The Millers - 02x06 Diggin' Up Bones Thanks for dinner, Deb.
Sorry I didn't eat very much.
I'm on this new diet where I only eat things with flavor.
Oh, come on! That was funny! No, Nathan, it wasn't.
Your humor is as bland as Debbie's cooking.
I didn't hear.
What did he say? Oh, Kip, you got to come over for dinner more often.
You're more than Mom's roommate; you're a part of this family.
Aw.
I've always wanted a cute little sister.
And a much older brother.
Wait.
Me? No, I'm not older than you.
Well, you said before you're 43 years old and I just sent out the Evite for my 35th birthday, so Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Wait, wait, wait You're You're 34? What year were you born? - 1979.
- What year did you graduate high school? - 1998.
- Who shot J.
R.
? I'm not familiar with the reference.
Debbie, did your mail come today? Uh, yeah, it's in the living room.
Oh, let's go look at Debbie's celebrity mags for tattoo ideas.
You know, I always wanted to get a tattoo, but they told me my skin is too thin.
Mom is thinking about getting a tattoo? Can you believe this? I don't know.
You had an earring for three years.
Well, yeah, it was the '80s.
You had to look stupid just to fit in.
I always wanted an earring, but we couldn't afford any real jewelry on the commune, so I just glued a piece of corn to my ear.
It was so cool until the crows came.
Nathan! Debbie! Did you see this letter from Central Elementary? No.
Is it some sort of announcement giving you permission to open other people's mail? It was sent to me.
I guess I never updated my address with them.
And look at this.
It's an invitation to a retirement party for Miss Pam.
Ooh.
I smell a rivalry.
You know, Kip, I doubt my mom wants to rehash all the ugly details For decades, I dedicated my life to being a model educator at Central Elementary.
My students looked at me with a mix of fear, love and respect usually reserved for popular dictators.
The semicolon is a powerful mark of punctuation with three uses.
Tammy, name them.
Connections, transitions and complex lists.
And, class, how do we use them? With respect! But then, one day, Miss Pam arrived, with a pair of bosoms so prominently displayed, it was like there were three globes in the room.
It's a comma with a hat And if you just remember that That's all you need to know About semicolons.
Hey.
Could you keep it down? Some of us are trying to teach.
What are you trying to teach them? How to hate learning? You might want to cover up.
I wouldn't want you to lose something in your cleavage, like your car keys.
Or your car.
And when things like the new overhead projector arrived, it didn't matter who needed it most.
The administration would always look her way.
And when Principal Horne finally retired and to replace me as principal, no one is more deserving than Miss Pam.
When I started teaching, it was all about "A"s.
But after Miss Pam, all anyone cared about were the double "D"s.
So my biggest enemy became my boss.
If you're just joining us, Kip is on the edge of his seat.
Thank you, Kip.
Retiring? Why would she retire at that age? Oh, I bet it's because her boobs are starting to sag.
I hear that happens to some women.
Mom, that was ten years ago.
You just need to let it go.
She's the one who can't let it go.
Inviting me to her retirement party? I'll tell you what I think of that.
Good Lord, that's a quality cardstock.
You know what you should do, Carol? You should go to that party and give that woman a piece of your mind.
You think so? Oh, gosh, sorry.
You know what? I just remembered I forgot to scrape any of the cheese off those dinner plates.
Uh, you know, it's probably fine.
It'll be easy to scrape off in the morning, right, Mom? No, Nathan! How many times do I have to remind you? Cheese on a plate makes a morning you hate.
It's like nobody reads my needlepoints.
What is wrong with you? My mom can't go to that thing.
Wait a second.
Did you just purposely divert your mother into the kitchen? Yes, I did.
Yeah, look, Kip, our mom can't go to that party.
Why not? She clearly has emotions about this Miss Pam that she's been storing up for years.
Your mother is an emotional hoarder.
She collects grudges like they're Cool Whip containers.
The cheese was already stuck, so I put it in soapy water.
Soak overnight, morning delight.
You know, Carol, I'd like to hear more about Miss Pam.
Uh oh, my God, I just remembered.
Silly me.
Left my wallet in the car.
Although it's probably fine.
Are you crazy? A wallet in a car is thief bait! How much you want? Ten grand? 20 grand? To just walk out that door and never come back.
Okay.
Look, Kip, I know that you think that you're helping her, but maybe in this case we know what's best.
Yeah, you tend to get to know somebody after you spend 43 years with them.
Well, that would be impossible for me to do, since I'm five days shy of 35.
What's your Chinese zodiac? Goat.
Specifically, an earth goat, and my lucky flowers are carnation, primrose and Alyce flower.
What else you got, Gramps? Are you sure we should be here, Kip? I'm positive.
- You need to move past this.
- Yeah.
Just remember you're powerful, you're beautiful, and if she comes at you, hit her high.
She's bound to tip over.
Yep, there they are.
I knew it.
We came looking for you at your apartment and you weren't there, and I went to Debbie's and she said that she hadn't seen you, and then I put together that this lunatic must have brought you here.
Carol needs this.
She needs to let Miss Pam know how she feels.
That's right.
I need to get her chest off my chest.
And look at this party she flirted the school board into throwing her.
Scallops wrapped in bacon? The only protein at my retirement party was a cricket that got in the punch.
Mom, you've got to stop listening to him.
I mean, you're you're taking life advice from a guy who still thinks he's in his mid-30s.
Ignore him, Carol.
This will be cathartic.
I once confronted the ice cream man who always drove away when I came running up.
Turns out, I had been chasing the exterminator whose horn played music.
That's why I'm so thin and know seven different ways to get a rat out of the attic.
Ah! There she is now.
If you'll excuse me.
Wow, those things haven't sagged an inch.
I should get her boob guy to redo my couch.
Carol! Oh, I'm glad you could make it.
And with the exact same hairdo you had 25 years ago.
You know, usually people only stick with something when it works.
That's not true.
You stuck with teaching.
I was an excellent teacher.
Better than you.
Why else would they have made me principal? boop, boop.
Those things got you everything.
A projector, promotion and the only classroom without asbestos.
And that is exactly why the school board threw you this elaborate party.
Carol, you poor, misguided mess.
You think the school board did all this? My students are the ones who paid for this party.
- What? - Yeah.
My students! And they dug up all the time capsules that our class has buried, just so I could read all the wonderful letters that they'd written about their favorite teacher, Miss Pam! Hey, Mom, are you okay? Her students threw her this party.
My students didn't throw me a party.
I mean, I know I was strict, but I thought at least they appreciated it.
Oh, I'm sure they did.
And they would've thrown you a party if there'd been a Facebook and a Twitter back then.
Oh, social media! Ladies and gentlemen, reading us letters from 20 years ago, please welcome Miss Pam! "I can't wait until I'm all growed up so me and Miss Pam can get married.
" Talk to me after the party, Charlie.
Maybe she was the better teacher.
I never got a Valentine from one of my kids.
Even when I made it mandatory.
"I love school with Miss Pam.
She's the bestest teacher ever.
" Aw.
No, you're the bestest, Rachel.
Ooh, there's just so many of them! So many letters, we're gonna be here All night.
If you'll excuse me a second, I-I need to get some fresh air.
Oh, God.
I feel sorry for whoever drove here in the smallest car, because that thing's about to get flipped.
She's probably going for a nice, long walk to calmly evaluate what happened and to let the healing process begin.
Yeah, that doesn't sound like Mom.
That sounds like Mom! You guys have to help me.
There's something wrong with your mom.
She's just staring into space.
I watched a fly walk across her eyeball.
Well, hang on a second, Kip.
I, uh, I know it's tacky to say I told you so, but, uh check your phone.
I didn't bring it.
It says I told you so! Okay, fine.
I get it.
You're right.
I'm sorry.
I just don't have the life experience that you do.
Look, it's not the first time that Mom has been in a funk.
All right? Everything will be fine just as long as she's not moping around in her depression hoodie.
You mean that ratty green thing that smells like a hamster cage? Oh, no, Nathan the depression hoodie.
She hasn't worn that since Tom Selleck shaved his mustache! And she hasn't eaten anything but Crystal Light in days.
She's not even mixing it with water.
She's sucking it straight from the packet! Oh, God.
She's on the Crystal.
Hey, Mom.
How you doing? Brought you some water to go with your Crystal Light.
Don't get too close.
She spits.
Oh, it's okay.
Debbie and I got some tricks that always get her out of her funk.
Hey, Mom? I was thinking about purchasing a major appliance.
You think I should just go ahead and buy the first one I see without comparison shopping? Save your money.
Get some breast implants.
I got this, I got this.
I got it.
Okay, okay, okay.
Hey, Mommy? I think I have a fever.
Would you mind checking with your lips against my forehead? It's always so much more accurate than a thermometer.
What's the point? We're all gonna die.
And my students aren't gonna come to my funeral.
Okay, well, we'll-we'll go chew on that She's gonna spit! Go! Go! Go! The only way that Mom is gonna feel better is if she thinks that her students loved her.
What we need are a bunch of great letters like Miss Pam had.
Good luck with that.
Carol's not getting a letter from a student unless it's coming through a window tied to a brick.
Wait a second! What if we just write our own letters? We tell Mom that we dug up her old time capsule, - and just replace the letters.
- Yeah.
It's not a bad idea, but we don't know any of her students' names.
Plus, you know Mom.
She's never gonna believe it unless she takes them out of the actual time capsule.
She's right.
Carol can spot a lie from a mile away.
Literally.
Once, I told her I was sick so I could get out of going on a hot air balloon ride with her.
She spotted me having a picnic.
From a mile away.
Fine.
You know what? We'll go to the school and dig up the actual time capsule and replace the letters.
Yeah, yeah! And we'll have Mikayla and Dad write them so the handwriting looks like it was done by sixth graders.
Cursive really throws me for a loop.
Pun intended.
I've been waiting many years for the topic of handwriting to come up.
Anyone want to talk about the trombone? Ooh, I got one! Oh, Mr.
Hoover's class 1978.
Oh, hey, look.
There's a Charleston Chew in here.
Can't find those anymore, huh? Just dig! We wouldn't even be out here if it wasn't for you! I already apologized! Geez, someone needs to watch Frozen and learn to "Let It Go.
" Oh, I hit something.
Guys! I found it! Okay, great.
All right.
Let's fill these holes back up and get out of here.
My my shovel's stuck in a time capsule.
Nathan, I think you hit a pipe! Yeah, that's not a capsule.
That's a water pipe.
Really? You think I hit a pipe? I do! Yeah, Debbie's right.
That's a pipe.
Dummy! That's it.
I'm killing you.
Will you stop it?! You're being ridiculous! Oh, get ready to get your hair pulled.
I earned a ton of extra money in college doing this! Dear God! Where are they? Your three little hoodlums are in the locker room getting cleaned up because they were a mess.
Look at you! What do you have to say for yourselves? Well, I can't speak for these two.
But I got to say that I'm kind of proud that I still fit into What were you all doing? They were looking for this.
My old time capsule? Why would you want to dig that up? We thought it might make you feel better to read some of your students' old letters.
You did that for me? You're right.
I-I would like to see what those letters say.
Uh, don't open that! - Might be full of spiders! - Or rusty edges! Or terrible letters.
I mean, more spiders.
I already opened it and read all the letters.
In fact, let me share my favorite one from Jay Simmons.
"Dear Citizens of the Future, if time machines have been invented, please come back and save me from the detestable hell that is Mrs.
Miller's class.
" Let me see those.
This one's from Mike Fisher.
I loved him.
"The devil is not dead.
Rather she is walking amongst us in an array of oversized tops sporting way too much tropical fruit.
" From Erica Temple.
Sweet girl.
"I am so eternally grateful that I was assigned to Mrs.
Miller's class this year.
" Hey, that's a good one.
Let's end on that.
"If I hadn't been assigned to her, "then my parents' divorce would've been the worst thing that happened this year.
Instead, the bitter custody trial proved a welcome relief from the agony of her lugubrious classroom.
" Mom you don't deserve that.
That's just mean.
"Lugubrious" ? Is that a good thing? No.
It means "sad and dismal.
" Actually, what it means is that my sixth graders were writing at a 12th-grade level.
Look at this perfectly used semicolon right here.
"The devil is not dead semicolon rather comma she is walking amongst us.
" And right now I'm walking mighty proud.
Yeah, mom.
You know what? You're right.
I mean, look.
Look at look at Miss Pam's letters.
I mean, they're filled with mistakes.
And this handwriting? It looks like they wrote these with their feet.
Well, at least they liked me.
Well, good for you.
I didn't sign up to be a teacher so I could be best friends with a bunch of sixth graders.
My goal was to lay my head on my pillow every night knowing I'd given my kids a great education whether they liked me or not.
So, I'm fine if your students think you are the bestest semicolon I'd rather be remembered as the best period.
She just combined two independent clauses.
Uh, I know that 'cause I was in her class.
And I wasn't.
Which is why I have no idea what an independent clause is.
Boy.
Carol's one hell of a teacher for you to be able to remember all the things she taught you over 30 years ago.
You've had my entire lifetime to forget it.
Who's your favorite Charlie's Angel? - Lucy Liu.
- No, from the TV show.
- Didn't know there was one.
- Oh, damn it!