The Nanny s02e06 Episode Script

Okay, kids, come one, come on.
Everyone hold on to me.
Not you, you pervert.
Wow! This is so cool.
Dad never let's us take the subway.
Well, the entire city is in gridlock.
I don't know who schedules a gay pride parade on the same day they're unveiling a Calvin Klein billboard.
Give me a dollar! Don't worry, kids, I'll take care of this.
What am I, Santa Claus? You give me a dollar! Yeah! You weren't even afraid of him.
Oh, honey, just cause he yelled in my face? You obviously have never seen my mother watch "The Price is Right.
" Oh, it's creepy down here.
Oh, honey, the subway's not creepy.
It's just that nobody gives a damn anymore.
What do I do with my soda? / Just leave it on the floor.
Oh, would you look at that poor woman with all those kids and bags.
Hold your sister a minute.
Excuse me.
Can I give you a hand? Can I hold something for you? Oh, wow.
I would have given me the salami, but you're a lot cuter.
You see, kids, one simple act of kindness and already the world is a better place.
Of course this is America, she could speak English.
Hi, you're sweet.
Oh, good, a seat.
Yes, you're such a doll; you're such a doll.
That's right, shaupaneua.
Oh, what a shaupaneua, what a little bubbula.
Excuse me, Yentel.
Yeah? What? Where's the mother? Oh, my God.
She abandoned her baby.
Ah, what is this world coming to.
The salami she guards with her life.
What are we going to did? Oh, you poor defenseless little thing.
Ow! Someone's hungry.
Can you believe that wasn't the first time that ever happened to me in the subway.
Oh, I can't believe I'm holding a baby.
If only you came with a husband and a house in Great Neck.
Okay, we gotta act fast here.
Gracie, go bring down your pink blanket.
Not my blankie.
Oh, God, I can't believe you still have that thing.
And, Brighten, bring down the Snoopy up in your closet.
What Snoopy up in my closet? You know, you're just like my mother.
What Nestles Crunch bar under my Nordic Track? Go Oh, what a day I had today.
Oh, let me guess.
Yard sale at Mia Farrow's? Maggie, go see if you can find some bottles.
Niles, do we have any old nipples around the house? Hello, hello Good afternoon, Cee Cee, Niles, Miss Fine, baby.
Why? Some woman just abandoned this baby on the subway.
I'll tell you it's a good thing I was there, or he could have been found by some whacko.
You know, one of those people who walk around talking to themselves.
Although, what the hell I'm going to do with a baby, I'll never know.
I'll call 911.
What kind of evil, cold-hearted woman abandons a poor little defenseless creature? Oh, that reminds me.
Yellow cab called, you left your dog in the taxi again.
Oh, my God.
That's where I left my Gucci umbrella.
Ten to one she comes back with a Gucci and not a poochie.
Hello, you've reached emergency 911.
To report a murder, press 1, for mugging, press 2.
For bomb threats below Oh, you gotta love the NYPD.
Meanwhile, where's that David Carruso going so fast with that big white freckly butt of his? Miss Fine, why the devil did you bring the baby here? Why didn't you just pass him over to a policeman straight-away? They're very busy.
It's Sunday.
The gays are coming out; the yuppies are working out; and the Jews are eating out.
Be careful.
Mr.
Snoopy's really old.
Look, his tail's loose; his hair's falling out, and he's busting at the seams.
Oh, give him a remote control.
He could be my father.
Fran / Here, you hold.
What sweetie? What? Fran, I can't find my blankie anywhere.
Fran? Yes, honey.
/ I can't find any bottles anywhere.
How about a turkey baster? Oh, sweetie.
We're trying to feed a baby, not impregnate Ling-Ling.
Oh, all right, Miss Fine that's it.
Here's your coat.
We're going down to the police station.
Oh, all right, but I'm telling you, we're never going to get through.
How many gay people can there be in New York? This from a man who produces Broadway musicals? It's a bloody mob scene out there.
I mean, I'm proud I'm British.
But you won't see me marching around dressed as Queen Victoria.
I told you we should have taken the subway.
Why? Hoping to pick up a few more? Maybe start a bowling team? Hey, a hundred sexy men wanted your phone number.
All they asked me was if my boots came in a Size 13.
The baby's back.
/ Oh, Daddy, can we keep him? Gracie, he's not a lost puppy.
He's somebody's baby.
All right.
Can I have a puppy? No, you may not have a puppy.
Well, I don't know.
It might help fill the void after we have to give away our baby boy.
Miss Fine / We need another boy in this hen house.
There's far too much "Blossom" on the tube.
Here, Maggie, hold little Joshua Elliott.
Who? Well, Elliott after your father, and Joshua I just always liked.
Oh, I can't wait to have a baby of my own.
Yes, you can wait.
You can wait a lot.
Can you say Nintendo? Oh, he's so cute.
We can't give him up.
/ No.
Euu, he's pooping.
/ Oh, God.
Oh, no, give him to Brighten.
/ No, give him to Fran.
She's getting paid.
Oh, what are they making such a fuss about? You'd think that they'd never ever seen a Oh Oh, this kid's got far too many lentils in his diet.
Oh, for God's sake, just give him to me.
Come here, little fella.
Hoe All right.
I know what I'm going to do.
I'm going to call the Department of Social Services.
Oh, yeah, Sunday at 4:30, they're waiting for you.
Oh, there's that vein in your forehead again.
You know, Miss Fine, it's very odd.
But that vein wasn't there a year ago.
Just like the gray streak in your hair? Yes, exactly like the bloody gray streak.
Oh, now, would you calm down.
You're getting all wound up.
Pretty soon you're going to say something that you're going to regret.
I already did when I said, "You're hired.
" All right.
Fine.
I'll just dump the kid at the white zone at the airport.
There'll be 40 cops on top of him before he's done unloading.
Oh, Maxwell, I'm so glad you got that baby to the authorities.
I was very worried about that poor little defenseless thing.
Oh, slap that kid's picture on a milk carton, and let's get back to work.
Oh, Joshy, what's the matter? Why aren't you eating? Oh, Niles, what the hell is this? Pureed liver and Brussels sprouts.
Oh, the stuff that came out of him was more appetizing than that.
Oh, Mr.
Sheffield, now don't get mad.
I'm just giving him one last feeding before I have to take him to the orphanage.
Can you say, "Please, sir, I want some more.
" That's enough, Miss Fine.
Well, what's with the box? Are you planning on mailing him to the police station? Because then you better punch some holes in the top.
As a matter of fact, these are some of Brighten's old baby clothes.
I thought they might come in handy.
Oh, that was very sweet of you.
Isn't he a nice man? Isn't he a good man? Yes.
Miss Fine, I think you're becoming far too emotionally attached to this child.
Yes, isn't she, little fella.
She, she is.
I think she is.
I think she is.
/ Well, you look very natural.
I've been there three times, Miss Fine.
And if my expertise serves me, I think we need changing again.
Excuse us.
Oh, give him to me.
I'll take him.
No, no, that's all right.
I've got him.
I'll do it.
All right.
Wait a minute here.
/ Let's just lay him down there.
Lay him down.
/ Yeah, little fella.
We're gonna change you.
Yeah, good boy, yeah, good boy, good boy.
Well, Miss Fine, I wouldn't stay there.
You never know with little boys.
Brighten once shorted a wall clock.
There we go.
/ Oh, yeah.
Well, we know one thing for sure.
His mother was not speaking Hebrew.
They love it when you blow on their tummies.
/ Who doesn't? Who's the handsome fella there, huh? Yes, who's the handsome fella? You know he reminds me of Brighten.
Heads up.
/ Oh, exactly like Brighten.
What did you do? What did you do? We'll get you dry.
Yes, we will.
/ You're a good boy.
You know, Miss Fine, I apologize for blowing up at you earlier.
Well, Mr.
Sheffield, I apologize for actually, I didn't do anything.
You're quite right.
Come here, little guy.
Come here.
Oh, oh, honey, would you I mean, Mr.
Sheffield, put the TV on.
They like the background noise.
Senator Doll said he hasn't read the bill, but he's 100 percent against it.
And in the local news, police are looking for this woman in connection with the mid-morning kidnapping on the subway.
Oh, would you look at that nut.
And she's running around free.
Oh, my God, Miss Fine, that's you.
No way.
Suspect is said to be five foot, seven; approximately 105 pounds, and in her early 20's.
Oh, you're right.
It is me.
Miss Fine Well, now, it's obviously a mistake.
And it's all my problem.
It has nothing to do with you.
Suspect is believed to work for this man, the Broadway producer Maxwell Sheffield.
All right, that's it.
We're going down to the police station.
Oh, can't we just call Al Cowlings and drive around for a while first? Oh, wow! This looks just like the police station on Cagney and Lacey.
No wonder they had so much crime in that precinct.
All you had to do was out run Tyne Daily.
Mr.
Sheffield, maybe you should take a number? Miss Fine, this isn't a bakery.
They don't give you numbers.
Oh, all right.
/ 62.
Would you go get a number, please.
Men, what are you going to do with them? Well, I'm not going to shoot him next time.
Oh, little Jeremy Mathew, how are you? What happened to Joshua Elliott? I got tired of it.
I like the name Joshua.
Oh, that's us.
Now may I do the talking, please.
Now, Mr.
Sheffield.
I got us into this, let me.
Now, look, Dick / Sergeant.
I'm sorry, Seargeant.
Dick Sergeant, what are the odds? Miss Fine Oh, all right, you better talk to him.
I'm exhausted.
I've been taking care of a strange baby all day.
Sergeant, this woman, my nanny, Fran Fine, is charged with a crime that I can assure you she didn't commit.
Prostitution? Excuse me.
I'm not a hooker.
I'm a kidnapper.
Well, my lawyer will finally get that house in the south of France he's always wanted.
Fran Fine, you're under arrest.
Oh, my God.
Mr.
Sheffield, call Jacoby & Meyers.
I want the fat one, not the thin one.
He's got an attitude.
Or is that Siskel and Ebert? You have the right to remain silent.
Obviously you don't know her very well.
Shoes Hair Well, height is one thing, but if you think that I'm going to set one foot on a scale, you might as well just put me into a cell and throw away the key.
What next? Because frankly I'm feeling very violated.
We're going to have to strip search you.
Oh, no.
Not until there's a ring on this finger and two tickets to Aruba.
Oh Well, I wouldn't want to obstruct justice.
Oh, sir / Niles, what are you doing here? Well, I was watching "America's Most Wanted" and low and behold I brought you a fresh shirt and your shaving things.
/ Oh, thank you.
I don't plan on being here very long.
How on earth did you get here with that gay pride parade going on? Oh, I borrowed a poodle and walked.
In fact, I got several job offers.
What's the difference between a butler and a houseboy? Well, in your case, about 30 years, Niles.
Rot in jail, sir.
Well, there's one fantasy shot to hell.
Niles Didn't you see me fall in that Con Ed ditch? I nearly killed myself.
All I saw was a blond woman in an olive overcoat, and then she was gone.
Well, what am I wearing? Oh, looky there.
Maxwell, is everything all right? Has she been incarcerated yet? Did I miss it? Cee Cee, you could show some concern for Miss Fine.
Maxwell, my concern is for you.
Before Nanny Fine entered our lives, we never had to step foot in a place like this.
Cee Cee? Girlfriend.
Got you again, huh? You must have me confused with someone else.
I've never seen this person before in my life.
Oh, is that your game, that's cool.
Just stay off Second Avenue.
Leon's looking for you.
Maxwell, I swear.
Here you go.
How'd you like it, sugar? / Oh, it was so good, I could do it again and again and again.
Maxwell, you can't seriously believe that I know.
Did you go to Brinmar? Miss Fine, what did they do to you? Oh, it was horrible.
Seven women, one toilet, no door.
Here's Big Bertha doing her business right out there in the open like she's on "Wild Kingdom" or something.
Oh, Mr.
Sheffield, I'm scared.
I can't go to prison.
I went to the bathroom maybe three times in all of summer camp.
I can't hold it in for five to twenty.
You're going to have to come with me.
Oh, I can't believe this is happening.
I was just trying to be helpful.
This is just like Nickie on the "Young and the Restless.
" Young and Restless? / Yeah.
Nickie Newman.
(Inaudible.
) / Yes, yes, remember Nickie was accused of stealing Cricket's baby at Gibo Cosmetics.
Cricket's (Inaudible.
) Only she wasn't stealing the baby.
She was looking or a woman that was putting on blush.
Mascara.
/ Oh, yeah, she's right, she's right.
And then Cricket thought that the baby was stolen and Nickie went to jail, and that shower scene was more than we should have seen on daytime.
Quiet, quiet.
It wasn't Cricket's baby.
It was Ashley and Snapper's.
/ Snapper.
All right.
Considering the circumstances, I guess you're free to go, Miss Fine.
Can I at least say good-bye to the baby? Just wave, Miss Fine.
/ Oh Bye, Joshy.
Oh, Cibignia.
/ Cibignia.
Oh, that ought to go over big on the playgrounds.
Well, I only knew him for a couple of hours, but I'll never forget him.
I'll never forget her either.
Quick, act like we're together.
You know what? I sort of liked having a baby in the house, except I had no idea how much work they were.
And they're always making a mess.
You know what, Niles, on second thought, could you bring these upstairs so we can watch some TV? / Thanks.
I have two words for you.
Hansel and Gretel.
Well, actually, that's three words.
Oh, my, would you look at this mess.
I'm binging.
I'm a little depressed about giving back the baby.
Oh, well, sweetie, we had to give him back.
He wasn't ours.
That's right.
He didn't belong to our family.
Then why don't you two make a baby? Take it away, Mr.
Sheffield.
Well, I mean, we'd have to be well, you know, you have to be married first.
Oh, right, married.
/ Has to be an engagement.
I'd want a big ring, a party don't ask.
Then why don't you two get married? I did the last one.
/ Thanks.
Well, you have to be in love with the person.
Don't you love, Fran? / Yeah.
Don't you love Fran? Well, in a nanny-Fran-boss type of way.
Yeah.
And I love your father in a thanks-a-lot-you-British-cold-fish type of way.
But you could have a baby and get married if you wanted to.
Well, we'd have to be best friends to see if we can live together, and of course there'd have to be a very strong physical attraction would you go to bed.
Geez.
Kids, huh? Always asking questions.
/ And such vivid imaginations.
Why is the sky blue? Where's heaven? Why don't you and I have a baby? / Ha, ha, ha, ha.
Meanwhile, I wonder if I'll ever be a mother.
Well, there's always the subway, Miss Fine.
Forget it.
Next time I bring home a baby, it's going to be after nine months of swollen ankles and an epidural that could bring down Secretariat.
Please, no putting on makeup.
What are you going to do? Charge me with lipstick? Let's not play games.
Did you take the baby, Fran? Now, I'd have to be pretty stupid to take a baby when I could have taken the salami, and I'm not stupid Can I get a little eye contact here? Oh You got a better chance of seeing Tania Harding on a box of Wheaties.