The New Adventures of Old Christine s02e06 Episode Script

Okay, you know what, Ritchie? Here is your backpack.
And here is your earthquake kit.
Now, don't forget to give that to Mr.
Harris.
He can keep it in the classroom in case of an emergency.
Why do I need an earthquake kit? Well, remember the school sent home that letter? So we're prepared in case of an emergency.
What kind of emergency? An, an earthquake.
Today? No, no, honey, not today.
We spent the whole car ride talking about this, darling.
It's just a precaution.
For what? An earthquake.
Darling, please go to school, okay? And pay attention, all right? No, no, Ritchie, Ritchie, that way, that way.
Hello, Christine.
Hello, Marley, Lindsay.
You going to say something to her? I don't know if it'll do any good.
- It's hard to get through to her.
- Oh, I know.
What is that? - I don't know.
It's weird, isn't it? - It's just like Are you talking about me? Might as well tell her now, since she was eavesdropping.
Okay It's just that we didn't see your name on the volunteer sign-up to serve hot lunch.
You know, Christine, this school depends on the volunteer spirit of its parent body.
Yeah, well, that and 15 grand a year.
- Oh, yeah, totally.
- It's not funny! Look, every parent that doesn't volunteer puts the burden on those of us who, you know, care about our children.
Look, I know what you're trying to do, but I won't be guilted into volunteering, okay? I do my share.
See that poster? I made that poster.
"Do your share, volunter.
" What? Oh, crap.
Okay, Christine, well, if you're comfortable being the only mother at school who hasn't voluntered.
Okay, fine, where's the sign-up sheet? Rotten women.
Hey, lover.
Stan! You can't call me that! Why not? We made love.
We were lovers.
Shh! We were only together once.
Four times.
Three times.
Three and a half.
- Oh, yeah.
- Yeah, I'm sorry.
No, no, it's all right, it's all right, it's all right.
Listen, don't call me lover, okay? It's disrespectful.
I have a name.
Can I call you "hottie"? Okay.
Hey, look, you and I are doing lunch duty together this week.
What? Yeah, there you are right on top of me.
Some things never change.
Oh, this is gonna be fun.
No, Stan, it's not.
It's gonna be strictly business between us.
Really, I was vulnerable before when we met, but I am not making those kinds of mistakes anymore.
I was a mistake? Well, no, I don't mean that.
You weren't a mistake.
You were a choice I made that I deeply regret.
Thanks.
Oh, you're still nice.
You're still foxy and you smell like Thanksgiving, mm! Okay, Stan, stop it! Stop smelling me.
Compliments aren't going to get me into bed anymore, all right? I'm more mature now, and I've stopped drinking on an empty stomach.
Nothing is gonna happen.
Have you had breakfast yet? No.
Then can I buy you a drink? No! Okay? Stan, I'll see you tomorrow.
Oh! Maybe it's me that smells like turkey.
How long have you guys been going out? A couple weeks, but last night was the first time she spent the night.
So why is she still here? Richard, gross.
Why is she still here? I don't know.
We woke up, I thought she'd leave.
Then she made eggs.
I thought she'd eat her eggs and leave.
Then she took a bath.
I thought she'd take a bath and leave.
Then she took a nap.
I thought she'd take a nap and leave.
Then she decided to sunbathe.
God, it's like a sexy Dr.
Seuss book.
I don't want her here all day.
I don't like her anyway.
Crap! Here she comes.
Act normal.
Oh, God! Hi, guys.
Oh, Matthew, you have company.
Hi, I'm Amy, Matthew's friend.
Well, I guess technically, girlfriend.
I'm new Christine.
It's nice to meet you.
I'm Richard.
I like your tan.
Oh, thanks.
Oh, I found this suit in the laundry room, and I figured it's such a nice day, you know? Sweetie, I'm going to start a load of whites.
Are you coming out soon? Because we really need to talk about Christmas.
Christmas sweetheart.
Wow, she's oddly comfortable around here.
I don't think I tried on one of Christine's bathing suits until we'd been dating for four or five months.
They look better on you, that's for sure.
Yeah, well, sorry if I don't have time to be slinging hash in the middle of the day.
I have a job.
I work.
Yeah, women work.
It's the 20th century.
Who you talking to? And why are you still in the 20th century? I was having an imaginary fight with the meany moms, and I was winning, too.
And everyone at the school was on my side.
And for some reason, Heath Ledger was there and I think he was about to kiss me.
I use him a lot.
I like his tan.
I was forced to sign up for lunch duty today.
Guess who I'm stuck doing it with? Stan.
Who? Sad dad.
Who's sad dad? He's some guy Christine picked up at a gas station.
No, she picked him up at the bus station.
No, I picked him up at the supermarket.
Well, that's much better.
Now every time she runs into him, she sleeps with him.
I am not going to sleep with him! There is zero-percent chance I am going to sleep with him.
Oh, my gosh, she's going to sleep with him.
Hey, you don't know me.
What is it about him you can't resist? Well, I have my reasons, but I'd rather not say.
It's a secret.
And I know that that's usually an announcement that I'm going to tell you something, but in this case I really am going to keep it to myself.
Give her some wine and it's ours.
Who is that? That's Amy.
She spent the night and now she won't leave.
Is she wearing my bathing suit? What? She is? That's crazy.
Who does something like that? - Chicken tenders.
- Mashed potatoes.
- Gravy.
- Green beans.
- Chicken tenders.
- Mashed potatoes.
- Gravy.
- Green beans.
- Chicken tenders.
- Mashed potatoes.
- Gravy.
- Green beans.
- Ah! Okay.
- And we're done.
Yeah, wasn't so bad.
Yeah, we make a pretty good team.
You know, it's 'cause we know each other's rhythms.
Probably because we've had sex.
No! Stan, stop it! That is the third time in eight minutes you've mentioned our rhythms.
You need to stop.
God, you even look hot in a hairnet.
No! Now, I know in the past all it took was a compliment for you and me to hit the futon, but I told you things have changed.
Oh, yeah, you know what? I traded in the futon.
I got one of those low Japanese beds.
What do you call those? A futon.
Oh, yeah, right.
Well, I got a new one.
You broke the last one.
Stan, that is enough, okay? Enough.
The answer is no.
Hey, you can't blame a guy for trying.
Okay, anyway, Sam, I will see you tomorrow at our shift.
Oh, hold on.
A little bit of potato there.
Let me get that for you.
Oh, damn it! Sayonara, lover.
See you at school.
Oh, good, you're here.
How was your night with Ritchie? Good.
He wanted to play earthquake, so I shook the couch, I showed him how to turn off the gas, then we looted Matthew's room.
I told Amy we had to evacuate, but she wouldn't come out from the doorjamb.
And how about you? How was your night? Oh, good.
Boring.
Cleaned out my TiVo.
Went to bed.
Where'd you sleep? Oh, where I always sleep.
Oh, if you're wondering why I'm coming into the house right now, it's because I've started jogging Early in the morning.
I've begun to jog.
Why is there a bra in your pocket? Hmm, hmm? Bra in your pocket.
This is a jog bra.
I have one on, naturally, but, um, they suggest that you carry an extra one in case you, uh, bust through the the, uh, the first one, so I thought that was a fine idea.
Okay, I slept with Stan.
Are you happy?! A little.
There is something wrong with me and something even more wrong with him.
You sound like a good couple.
Why you fighting it? It's not funny, Richard.
I have a problem.
I cannot resist this ridiculous man.
You know what? You've got to take my lunch shift today, all right? I can't be around him.
If I have to serve lunch with him again, I'm never going to get off of his futon.
He has a futon? So you stay with him in his dorm? No, no, it's part of his Japanese thing.
- Oh, he's Japanese? - No, he's weird.
You have to save me from myself, Richard.
Please take my lunch shift today! All right, calm down.
I'll take your shift.
Okay.
Just hope I don't sleep with him.
Yeah, well, you might, so don't get cocky 'cause I got cocky.
Stan? That's my name-- don't wear it out.
Perfect.
I'm gonna be working lunch with you today.
Oh, I don't think so.
See, my girlfriend is supposed to be working lunch with me today.
Yeah.
Something came up for Christine and she asked me to take her shift.
I think I know what that something is.
I really put her through the wringer last night.
You know poor thing.
I mean, not that she can't hold her own.
She's a real firecracker.
Loves the dirty talk.
Who'd you say you were again? I'm Richard, her ex-husband.
Okay.
Please don't kill me.
Stan, it's okay.
Really.
I'm happy for both of you.
I'm happy for all of us.
So What did she say about me? She said you had a futon.
Yeah.
I'm going through a Japanese thing right now.
It started with rice Then I moved on to one of those little fountains from Bed, Bath & Beyond.
It's supposed to be soothing, but it just makes me have to get up every hour to go pee.
Perfect.
Christine, you have sunk to a new low.
This isn't just the bottom of the barrel, you've gone under the barrel, and dug a hole to Japan and found the nearest filthy futon and traded underwear with the Iron Chef.
Okay, enough.
Look, I know that on the surface he seems less than perfect, but below the surface he has a certain appeal.
He promised he'd give your underwear back as soon as he takes them off.
What could it possibly be that has you jumping into bed with him every time he's around? Is he rich? No, his only credit card is at Bed, Bath & Beyond, and it's been turned over to a credit agency.
Is he funny? Never on purpose.
So what is it? Are you just that desperate? No! Then what? I don't get it.
He has certain attributes that make him appealing.
Are you talking about the size of his? No! No.
You know that size doesn't matter to me.
How would I know that? 'Cause I'm telling you.
Oh, right.
Then what is it about Stan? He has a certain skill that most guys believe they have but most of them don't.
Oh, yeah.
I have that skill.
What skill? He's good with things.
You know-- girl things.
Things that girls like.
Shoes? No, Richard, not shoes.
He He makes an effort in a par-tic-u-lar area that is very much appreciated.
Yup.
The guy's a champ.
Come on.
That guy? Oh, yeah.
And that's important? Well, it's not important-- it's just a bonus.
Like air, or the sun.
Was I a champ? Yeah, absolutely.
Just in a different sport.
Oh, my God.
She's planting tomatoes.
Those won't be ready for three months.
She's planning to still be here in three months for the harvest.
Yeah, well, in three months I'll probably be engaged to Teriyaki Stan, so Oh, my God.
It's probably him.
No one is home right now.
Please leave a message.
Hey, wait a minute.
What happened to the message we made together? Oh, you weren't funny in it.
Hey, babe.
Sorry I missed you today, but I met your ex.
Someone has a type! I hope you're okay.
I was a little worried when I didn't hear from you.
I can see your car in the driveway, so you must be home.
Oh, you're probably sleeping.
I won't come in, but I love that picture above the fireplace.
Call me when you wake up.
Dream of me? Do you think he's gone? Honey, it's Caroline and Brendan.
They want to do a game night.
Ugh! Should I just try and get us out of it? Uh, that'll be great.
I love you.
- "I love you"? - I don't know what I'm doing.
I don't even know who Caroline and Brendan are.
Matthew, you know what? I think Richard might be right.
I think we might have a problem with our relationships.
Why? There's something about lying on the floor hiding from our lovers that's telling me we're not in control of our lives as we should be.
You know, you're right.
Let's just go.
Let's get out of here.
We'll disappear, change our names I'll be Mario.
Yeah, that's a great idea.
I even went to the ATM today.
I've got 40 bucks.
Oh, great.
Oh, wait.
I have a son.
Shoot.
And it was the perfect plan.
No, running away is not the answer.
- What are we gonna do? - We're gonna be grownups.
- Do I have to wear a tie? - No, Matthew.
- Mario.
- Mario.
All right, look.
This is what you're gonna do.
You're gonna go out there and tell Amy that this is moving too fast for you and you need your space and she has to leave.
Well, what are you gonna do? I'm gonna move to Phoenix with Ritchie.
No, you're gonna tell Stan that you have no interest in a relationship with him.
While I'm sleeping with him? No.
No more sleeping with him.
Oh, Matthew, you don't understand.
My brain says no, but my pants say off.
All right-- new plan.
You go out there and break up with Amy.
I'll take your shift at school and break up with Stan.
Yeah yeah, that's seems to be a very adult solution.
Richard, why do we have to keep talking about this? Just answer the question.
You're my champ.
That's not the same thing.
Am I a champ? Richard, you're great.
You're funny.
You're smart.
You make really great spaghetti sauce.
And you work really hard at everything.
What about that? You work really hard at that, too.
But I don't care about that.
I like the thing you do.
- I could speed it up.
- No, don't.
- I could slow it down.
- Oh, God, no.
Please.
Sweetie, I love you, and that's all that matters.
I love you, too.
Honey, no.
So, the good news is that Matthew is so concerned about your feelings that he wasn't able to do this in person.
So that's gotta make you feel good.
What? That doesn't even make sense.
When is Matthew coming home? We need to figure out Christmas.
Honey, you're done.
- What? - Get out.
You're breaking up with me? We have to but we still care about you.
You can keep my bathing suit.
And, so, Stan, the good news is she didn't come here and do this in person because of the effect you have on her.
So, uh, that's gotta make you feel good.
But she's breaking up with me? Well, yes, uh, because she can't resist you, and, uh, she'll always care about you.
Well, I really appreciate her sending you down here to do this directly.
That took guts.
Take care, Stan.
Wait, hold on.
You've got a little mashed potato there.
I better go.