The Odd Couple (2015) s02e06 Episode Script

1 Dani, I can't find my Keys? On the counter.
Wallet? In the drawer.
Self-reliance? Never seen it.
All right, how do I look? I'm going for "ruggedly handsome" or "damn.
" Oh.
Another date with Charlotte? You guys are like a little thing now.
Yeah, I think tonight might be the night we actually you know.
I don't know.
I don't want to know.
I don't need to know.
Sex.
And now I know.
Yeah, she just texted me she's really excited about dinner tonight but even more excited to go back to her place for dessert.
Dessert.
I get it, Oscar.
Sex.
You answer one job listing on Craigslist Oscar, are you finished with this half-eaten sandwich I just found in the couch? Ham or peanut butter? Peanut butter.
Still working on it.
Hey, guys.
OSCAR: Hey.
Who's your friend? This is my dog, Biscuit.
(chuckles) What is he doing here? I thought Brandon got custody in the divorce.
Oh, he did, but he's in Somalia for a week airlifting food and water to starving children.
Oh.
Sounds like a real jerk.
Yeah, Brandon's fearless.
You know, if you don't count the fact that he told me that he was gay in a text, followed by this emoji.
(chuckles) Felix, come on.
Come say hi to Biscuit.
Okay.
How do you do? (growls) Oh.
That's weird.
(growls) Biscuit! (growls) I am sorry, Felix.
He doesn't usually do that.
Oh, it's fine.
I'm sure he's just skittish around strangers, you know? Who's a good boy? Biscuit's a good boy.
I hope he has all his shots.
Oh, I do.
You know what? He's had a long day.
But I'm sure once he warms up to you, you guys are gonna be the best of friends.
I'm sure you're right.
(chuckles) Okay, I'm gonna go get him a bowl of water.
Okay.
(growls) (growls) (growling) (growling) I just hate when a restaurant makes you pick out your own lobster.
You know what I do is I pick the lobster that looks the meanest.
That way I'm a hero to all the other lobsters.
(chuckles) Oh, was that too loud? Is your son around? No, he's at his dad's tonight.
We have the place all to ourselves.
Well, then allow me.
Oh.
(chuckles) Oh.
You're giving me chills.
There's more where that came from.
Um, would you like a drink? I have milk, fruit punch, squeezable yogurt.
They all mix well with vodka.
I was hoping we could skip right to dessert.
Oh.
I like the way you think.
Give me a minute.
I've got all night.
How do you feel about whipped cream? Oh, yeah! I hope you're not disappointed.
They got a little saggy.
Well, let me be the judge of You actually made dessert.
Well, you said you like chocolate.
I do.
(chuckles) Now, where was I? I believe the back of your neck.
Oh.
Oh.
Well, that was a fun night.
"Was"? I should turn in early.
I have an emergency meeting in the morning.
Symphony orchestras have emergencies? (chuckles) Yeah.
The strings are high-strung, the horn section is horny.
It's a mess.
Well, I guess I'll go home then.
Sounds good.
I'll call you tomorrow.
Well, at least my shoes get to see her naked.
Ooh, something smells good.
What is it? Oscar, don't.
It's dog food for Biscuit.
You're actually considering it, aren't you? I had a light lunch.
Why are you doing all this? Well, Biscuit means the world to Emily, and Emily means the world to me.
So I'm going to do whatever it takes to bow-wow him.
Well, let me know how it works.
I may need you to cook something to bow-wow Charlotte.
What happened? Nothing! Nothing has happened.
We've been going out for weeks, and she still doesn't seem interested in you know.
Sexual congress.
You can make anything sound boring.
I don't know what the problem is.
Am I losing my touch? I thought she liked me.
I think that she does.
And that's why she wants to take it slow.
And you should want that, too.
Why? In the past, you've always jumped into bed with women that you barely knew.
And what did it get you? Several thank yous.
Countless high-fives.
That's right, loneliness and regret.
But now you have a chance to build something real with a woman you seem to genuinely care about.
Yeah, I really do.
So why don't you do something different and hold off on the physical until you've had a chance to establish a real emotional connection with her.
Look at Emily and me.
Yeah, that'll put me off sex.
We were friends for an entire year before we consummated.
And now our relationship is a model of perfection.
You are cooking for her dog.
Please.
I'm just throwing a little something together.
Now, where is my caramelizing torch? Hi, Dani.
Hey, Charlotte.
How's it going? Good.
Why? What have you heard? Has Oscar said something? No.
What are you talking about? Well, I probably shouldn't be talking to you about my, you know, physical relationship with your boss.
(chuckles) And you'd be right.
Check the box next to "Right you are.
" But who knows him better than you do? A lot of people.
His parents.
His college friends.
His bookie.
It's just I haven't been with a man since my divorce.
Or you could call a girlfriend and grab a Chardonnay.
And I know that Oscar is ready for sex.
I'm just not sure I am.
I've seen the kind of women he dates, with their 25-year-old skin and their perky everythings.
(sighs) Oh, Charlotte, I hate to see a good woman down on herself.
Listen, you are gorgeous.
And Oscar definitely thinks so, too.
Really? Absolutely.
He says inappropriate things about you all the time.
That's so sweet.
(chuckles) You know, maybe I have been overthinking this.
Okay.
Mm-hmm.
Tonight's the night.
Thanks, Dani.
Oh.
Okay.
Yeah, yeah.
You're welcome.
Now, you just go on out there and you get your man.
And let's never, ever talk like this again.
Hey.
Room service.
A kiss for the lady.
And for the gentle dog a kibble casserole.
(laughing): Oh.
Wow, fancy.
Biscuit, look who's here with a special treat for you.
There you go, young man.
(chuckles) That, uh, might pair nicely with a slurp of toilet water.
(chuckles) EMILY: Look, he likes it.
(phone rings) Oh.
Hey, Brandon.
Biscuit's doing great.
Yes, I read him all of the e-mails you sent.
Well, you seemed to enjoy that.
Does that make us friends now? (growls) Okay.
You don't like me.
That's fine.
You're only here for five more days.
And if you think I don't know how to deal with an annoying roommate, well, you are sorely mistaken.
Felix, amazing news! They just offered Brandon a permanent job in Somalia, and he's going to take it, which means I get to keep Biscuit! What?! And deny this pup an enriching trip to Africa? I am gonna spend so much time with you.
Oh.
Except for tomorrow.
I have to work a double shift.
Would you mind watching him for me? (chuckling) Absolutely I would.
Thank you.
Oh, you hear that, Biscuit? You get to live with Mommy now.
Oh, yes.
Felix, why are you way over there? Shh.
I'd tell you, but Biscuit doesn't like when I talk during Scooby-Doo.
That dog despises me.
Aw.
This little guy? Yeah.
That vicious beast.
He looks like he's giving out kisses.
Are you giving out kisses? Huh? Oh, yes, he is.
Yes, he is.
He's giving out kisses.
Hey, Felix, come get yourself a kiss.
The truth is And this is embarrassing.
I'm I'm terrified of dogs.
What? When I was a boy, my parents nicknamed me Felix the Cat.
Creativity was not their strong suit.
Anyway, one Halloween I dressed up as him, and all the neighborhood dogs chased me, and I ended up hiding in a tree and I had to be rescued by a kid dressed as a fireman.
Does Emily know this? No.
No, and I'm too embarrassed to tell her.
She called her ex the bravest man she's ever known.
And here I am, scared of a barking mop.
Which is ironic, given how much I love mops.
Felix, you can't live in fear of dogs.
You got to find a way to assert your dominance.
Does Biscuit play the Broadway edition of Trivial Pursuit? 'Cause I will crush him.
Look, my kids have a dog.
And the stupid thing just had puppies.
So we took a class and learned a bunch of ways to show a dog that you're the boss.
So try putting your hand on his head.
No, sir.
His head is where he keeps his teeth.
Then try making eye contact with him, without looking away.
That actually works? Hey, Teddy.
Hey, buddy.
Watch this.
Hey, uh, I need you to do that public appearance on Sunday.
Oh, I told you on the phone, I hate doing those things.
Oscar, it would really help me out if you did this for me.
But Teddy Eh, I'm free Sunday.
Why not? All right, I'm gonna go have dinner with Charlotte.
And only dinner, right? Right.
And if you start to waver, remember what we talked about.
Yeah, I don't know.
To make it great, you have to wait.
Okay, I'm gonna wait.
Sorry, pal, I tried.
Don't think about sex.
Don't think about sex.
Don't think about sex.
So, what do you think? Sex.
It's really cold out.
You should throw a long, baggy sweater over that.
There are other ways to warm up.
I cancelled our dinner reservation.
I thought we could stay home instead.
Oh, great.
What'd you have in mind? Boggle? Parcheesi? Connect Four? How about connect two? Are we the two? Stop talking.
But isn't talking the way we learn about each other? Our hopes and dreams and what we want? I know what I want.
Oh! Is it a pot of coffee? 'Cause I'll put one on.
(exclaims) I can't do it.
He's staring at me like I'm a cat in a mailman suit.
Well, there's a couple of other things we could try.
No, no, forget it.
I give up.
This stupid mutt is never going to like me.
Well, guess what, Biscuit? I don't like you either.
You are not a good boy.
You are a jerk and a bully, and I wish that you had never been born.
Felix.
Oh, hi.
Uh, you're home early.
You know, my grandpa used to say you can learn a lot about a person by the way he treats a dog.
Which was weird, because he never had a dog, he had a parakeet.
He was allergic to dogs.
Well, and wheat, and Bartlett pears.
Only Bartlett.
What an odd guy.
My point is (sighs) I learned a lot about you today, Felix Unger.
My grandpa used to say you can learn a lot about a person from the shape of their head.
You're good.
Hey, you know what might be a good idea? A nice, brisk walk.
If it's exercise you're after No thanks, I'm good.
Oscar, what's going on? Nothing.
Why? Just tell me is there something wrong with me? No.
There's nothing wrong with you.
Everything's right with you.
Supple and good-smelling and right.
I just think maybe we should wait.
You do? Because I don't.
Well, I did.
Can't seem to remember why now.
Take me.
You said you weren't going to do this.
Oh, my God! What? Are you okay? Yes, that was a "you're so sexy" oh, my God.
To make it great, you have to wait.
No, no, no! What is going on? I'm sorry.
Felix's dog left the oven on.
Damn it, I'm running out of shoes.
Oscar.
How did it go with Charlotte? You should know you were there.
What are you talking about? I don't know.
Suddenly, she did want to have sex and so did I, but then you were in my head telling me not to have sex, so I just I just ran away.
You didn't talk to her? No.
That would have been weird and awkward.
Well, maybe so, but it would have brought you closer together.
This is exactly the kind of intimacy that you have been avoiding.
Well, see? Now you're even avoiding me.
I've seen enough of your face! Oh, Teddy, you're here.
Yup.
You ready? I'm not gonna lie.
I'm terrified.
Oh! Oh, God! Look at them.
It's worse than I imagined.
You don't have to do this, man.
No.
No, the only way to face my fear is just to confront it head-on.
Immersion therapy.
Okay.
(whimpers) Release the hounds.
Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh, they're so warm and fluffy! Oh, and he's licking me.
He's licking me! Stuff like this surprise you anymore? Not really.
Hey, you know what? We-we shouldn't have done them all at once.
I changed my mind, Teddy.
I want to get out.
I want to get out.
Nuh-uh.
Stay in the pool, you baby.
Felix, you should see yourself.
You look ridiculous.
Yeah? Oh, well, at least I'm facing my fears.
Instead of you, who ran away from an honest conversation with your girlfriend.
You know what? You're right.
I'll see you guys.
Puppy breath.
Puppy breath.
(phone rings) Hello.
Yeah, they're still available for adoption.
Hey, if you take all six, I'll throw in a kiddie pool.
Teddy, I got your text.
What did you want me to Felix? Oh, Emily.
Hi, I was just, um, trying to find some, uh, friends for Biscuit.
Aren't they adorable? With their little licky tongues and their exposed bottoms? You're trying to find a friend for a dog that you hate? I don't hate Biscuit, okay? I'm afraid of him.
I'm afraid of all dogs, including these little monsters.
But I'm trying to overcome my fears.
Felix, that's so brave.
As brave as Brandon, the bravest man you've ever known? I said that he was fearless.
You're brave because you actually do have a fear, and you're trying to conquer it.
And you're doing it for me.
I am, aren't I? Absolutely.
Do you mind if I join you? Oh, please.
Plenty of pinkeye to go around in here.
Oh, hi.
Sorry I'm such a mess.
Not that it matters, since you're clearly not attracted to me.
Was it the kissing you then running out of the room screaming? That was a hint.
By the way, if you're looking for your shoes, I dropped them off.
Oh, thanks.
My balcony.
Listen, Charlotte, I'm sorry.
I was talking to Felix and he made me realize if I wanted this to last, then I should hold off on being physical until we're closer.
Really? 'Cause I talked to Dani, and she said we should have sex.
Remind me to give Dani a raise.
Well, now I understand why you left like that.
Yeah, I was just trying to hold off until we had a real emotional connection.
Well, I'm glad you did.
'Cause I like you, Oscar.
I really want this to work.
Am I wrong, or are we getting emotionally connected right now? Feels like we are, doesn't it? And if we're emotionally connected, then we can I think we have to.
Everything okay? Yeah.
Just making sure it's you.
It is.
Oscar, same clothes as last night? Is this what the kids call the walk of shame? Oh, no, I did what you said.
We talked, we connected, we got really close.
And then we, well you know.
Yes, we know.
Sex.
You had sex.
You gave her the business.
You got it on.
You made hot animal love until the sun came up.
We get it! Well, that was inappropriate.
Oh, hey, Felix.
Time to take Biscuit for a walk in the park.
Can't wait.
Let me grab my coat.
What's this? Are you becoming a dog person now? Well, Emily is my gal, and she loves her Biscuit, so there is nothing that I wouldn't do for them.
Aw.
Oh Felix, we need a plastic bag for his poop.
Okay, have fun, you two.