The Old Guys (2009) s02e06 Episode Script
Engagement
1 Roy? Yes, Tom.
You know Scarlett Johansson? The beautiful, young actress? Yeah, that's right.
The beautiful, young actress.
I'd love to sleep with her.
Just so you know.
Well, thanks for letting me know.
I know it sounds stupid, but I just thought it was worth mentioning in case it ever came up.
Duly noted! Of course I wouldn't necessarily be any good at it and I don't suppose for a minute she'd be interested, but I would just LOVE to sleep with her, if she asked.
Love to! Well, I'm glad we've got that one sorted out, Tom, because if Scarlett Johansson comes around regarding the possibility of sleeping with you, it's a yes? Correct.
Er, if you got a Blackberry, Tom, which one would it be? Hmm, good one, probably have to be a Blackberry Storm to be honest.
You? Well, if I went for a smartphone, it'd actually be a Nokia E71 or, shoot me down, a Motorola Droid! Yes, excellent compatibility.
Course I'm really an iPhones man myself.
Yeah, you love the app store, don't you? Oh, yes, I love it down the app store.
Lovin' the iPhone.
Do you think you'd ever get one, Tom? Get one?! God, no, never.
They're not for the likes of us.
Incredibly expensive and used by self-important twonks.
Hello! Hello! Hello! Hey! Guess what I've got for you? Amber, I'm sorry, but I don't want to buy any more erotic pottery.
Tomatoes! Oh, thanks, love, but it's not the war.
You can get five different kinds of Tommy tomatoes down the 24-hour.
Yeah, but taste this tomato.
Cos I grew it.
Dad? What, you've been making food? But I LOVE gardening.
It's my thing.
I thought yoga was my thing, but basically it's just breathing for show-offs.
Just don't tell Steve I've stopped going.
Grrr, Steve! Tom, Amber's growling re: Steve.
Oh, yeah.
Amber, how's it going with Steve? Oh, pretty good, thanks for asking.
Just I'm a bit nervous actually, cos the other day, I asked him to ask me to marry him.
What, you asked HIM? Yeah.
Did you do it on one knee? No, as a matter of fact, I did it on a stool.
I don't know what I was thinking.
I got up on a stool and started pointing at him.
It started off like a joke, but it ended up me towering over him on a stool pointing at him with a remote control like a laser gun, ordering him to ask me to marry him.
Right, and did he? Well, yeah, but it didn't feel very romantic, so I got him to ask me again by the stream and again with a guitar and again in a pedalo.
And eventually it did feel a bit romantic.
Ah, that's lovely.
Which one's my decaf? This one.
Or is it this one? The question is, do you feel lucky punk? Let me start our meeting off by saying just how glad I am you could meet me, Tom Mr Finnan.
You can call me Sir.
Oh, sorry.
No, I'm just pulling your dongle, Steve.
Relax, mate! I'm just a bit nervous, you know, because, well, because Because you want to borrow my Strimmer? No, no because, Mr Finnan, in your daughter, Amber, I think I may have found the missing jigsaw piece of contentment that completes the puzzle which is my soul.
I do her honour and with my body and I do Sick bucket, please, Rajan? I'm serious, Tom.
Yeah, no, that's all lovely, Steve, but there's no need to ladle it on with a trowel, I get the idea.
I want to ask for Amber's hand in marriage.
And what's in it for me? Oh, right, I No, I'm kidding, mate.
No, it's lovely.
Congratulations.
Oh, this is great news, let me get the coffees.
Rajan, the coffees are on me! He already paid! I know.
Oh, this is great! I only wish that I had some form of mobile communication device, like the ones that you sell, so that I could email everyone and let them know the good news.
I could maybe see about a little token of my appreciation.
Absolutely not, I wouldn't hear of it.
There's no need to buy me a smartphone.
So you don't want one? A Blackberry? Well, everyone wants a Blackberry, Steve, that's just life.
But no, seriously, I couldn't possibly.
On the house, guys.
Ginger cake.
One's gluten free and the other's packed with gluten.
The question is who's going to ride the gluten tiger? Oh, God! This wedding is a disaster! Won't it be the proudest day of your life? Exactly - the proudest, most financially-crippling day of my life.
I'm sure Steve and Amber would be very happy with something simple.
Yes! That's it, brilliant - something simple, that's the line.
I mean, no-one really likes champagne, do they? Not really.
Tom We could have a picnic, in the forest, drink from the stream.
Berries from the trees, sweet, delicious conker nuts.
Why don't you tell Sally the truth that you can't pay for a big wedding for her son? Oh, yeah, the truth, you'd love that, wouldn't you? Well, if you need money, why don't you sell the Triumph? The Triumph? That bike is a part of me.
It's like a 500cc leg.
The Triumph is a symbol of my irrepressible manhood.
Yeah, but it's lying in bits all over the garage floor.
I know and it gives me a headache just thinking about it, but it is very important to my self-esteem.
Sally! Hi, Roy! Ah, Tom, I thought we might have a pre-chat about wedding plans.
Oh, great.
But we're having lunch with Amber and Steve tomorrow to sort all that out.
Why are we laughing? I don't know.
You started it.
Well, that's a good one.
Oh, yes, a single lunch, that'll be enough to sort out the wedding.
I suppose they knocked up the moonshot plans over a panini, right, Tom? Exactly, oh, the thought! Oh, dear.
No, I've been whittling away at the guest list and I just can't get it below the 200 mark.
There's so many people I'm dying to see, all my old chums from the acting world.
About that, Sally, I was wondering whether we shouldn't keep things a bit cosy, and also, in view of the economic climate, if perhaps the wedding feast could be simple fare? Oh, like what? A conker and a glass of water.
Are you worried about the expense, Tom? Are you kidding? No! I love a massive blow-out for all my cousins and your optician and pay for them all to get drunk in a tent.
Brilliant! Because I've had a nest egg put aside for a while.
It was in tobacco, but I moved it into arms just before the first Gulf War, so let's just say somebody's winning in Afghanistan! I'd be happy to pay.
Yeah? Well, I have very strong feelings about the arrangements and I'm sure you do too.
Well, naturally, all men have very strong feelings about the appropriate arrangements for a wedding.
Well, however long it takes, we'll just have to thrash it out.
Exactly.
You and me arguing, at each other's throats until late, late into the night, when, exhausted, one of us finally submits.
Exactly.
Uh, can I help with the planning at all? OK, I'll go get my files and we can have a pre-pre-initial meeting discussion.
Aye-aye, captain! Oh, my God, Roy! This is it! What? The chance I've been waiting for with Sally.
Finally! Something in common, Roy! You can't build a relationship on living diagonally opposite one another.
But a wedding! I'm finally going to close the deal.
And don't you try and stop me.
I'm not going to try to stop you.
If you do, I'll punch you.
I'm not going to, so you won't need to.
Roy, if I have to, I WILL punch you.
Will you stop threatening to punch me? We were having a nice afternoon and now every few seconds, you're threatening to punch me! Once I got the old address book out, I could hardly stop.
It just seems like such an opportunity to see so many lovely old mates.
I've got a mate I wouldn't mind inviting - Mike.
He used to do my dodgy MOTs, nice guy.
Well, not TOTALLY a nice guy.
He sounds just like Ian McShane! Ian loves a prank.
I can't wait to see the McShanes and John and Cathy Nettles and Tony Dimbleby.
He's the only Dimbleby who doesn't broadcast.
Ah, hello, you two! Er, Dad, old green, you're wearing old green? They get comfier every year.
Did you not tell them, Steve? No, I thought you told them.
What? Erm, the restaurant, it's a fine dining experience.
Ah, right.
No, I didn't know.
Ah, this is SO funny! We're all over the place, this is typical us! That's right, yes, it's very us.
Who gives a fig? We're crazy, we're actually mental.
I told you we shouldn't stop taking our medication.
Oh, I see! You're all dressed up for here.
And are you going to a horse race later? No.
Why? Do you think the outfit's too much? No, no, it's wonderful.
You're so clever with what you wear, Amber.
It's so interesting.
Uh-huh.
Erm, well, thanks for having me over, guys, you know, it's really good to get some man time.
Steve, just a note - we tend to watch the football in silence, make comments at half-time.
Right, right.
It's just that I What is it now, Steve? I got you a little gift.
Oh, you shouldn't have.
But you did! Look at this, Roy, look at it! Wish I had a daughter so I could get a smartphone.
Well done, mate! This is brilliant! Let the pain of the set-up begin! OK.
Half-time.
What's on your mind, Steve? Oh, nothing, really.
Look, we've only got 15 minutes! Right.
Well, I hope you don't mind, but I wanted to talk about man things.
Steve, I've never looked at another man's equipment in my life and I don't intend to start now.
No, it's not that.
It's, well, marriage.
You've been married, Roy - any tips? Well, let me ask you one question.
Do you have an invisible pen? Sorry? A pen which writes with ink that only shows up under ultraviolet light! No.
Well, get one because when you first move in together, you don't want to create a bad atmosphere by writing your name visibly on all your possessions.
Use an invisible marker.
Then, when the break-up happens in 10 or 20 years, you simply shine your ultraviolet light and, voila, it's immediately clear whose copy of Middlemarch it really is! Right, I'm off.
Amber needs help.
Tom, Steve's asking for marriage tips.
You told him about the pen? Yes.
Anything else? Um a very wise old rabbi once told me that marriage is like a grandfather clock.
But I forget why.
What's going on? Where's Sally? I've done a wrong one, Dad, again.
I wanted to show Sally I was a nurturing earth mother with my gardening skills.
I've been weeding and spading for hours and now I've broken her favourite pumpkin tree.
Pumpkin tree?! Apple, pumpkin, what's the difference?! See, I thought this branch would look better there, so I bent it.
Amber? Are you sure these are weeds? They look like flowers.
What? Oh, God! I don't know, how you are supposed to know?! You're a weed, you're a flower.
Gardening is just racism for plants.
What are you planting instead? Well, I was thinking tomatoes.
So you think it's OK to have doubts? Well, how big are your doubts? Would you say your doubts are the size of an orange, which is quite manageable, or more like a Renault, which could be a problem? No, I love her and I think she's great, but she's quite unpredictable and a lot of the time, I'm waking up during the night screaming.
Is that normal? How loud? Oh, I don't know, sort of, er Aaagh! That sounds more like a moan to me.
And is moaning OK? Oh, moaning is fine.
Moaning and murmuring - quite normal in a marriage.
Screaming could be a warning signal so keep an eye on that or Or what, Roy? Second half, Steve.
I'll tell you after the second half.
Ah, hello, you two! What's what's with the? The branch came off, it was quite a tired branch.
Is that sticky tape? Don't worry, Sally, this is definitely something you can do.
Bish, bash, bosh, tape up the tree, then staple the runner beans.
Amber, darling, are you going to put all these flowers back in? Can do, but they won't thrive.
The trouble is is that your soil has all the bad aspects of chalk and all the bad aspects of clay.
It's chalky clay.
You actually shouldn't have this type of soil.
Oh, well I'm sorry.
It's all right, Sally, I'll let you off this once! Just so long as you make us a nice cup of tea.
Oh, right.
Fine.
Did I just order her to make me tea? Yes, a bit.
I was trying to be matey.
Yes, I could see what you were going for.
It didn't come off, love.
Oh! Text message! New phone? Yes, Steve gave it me in exchange, when I said he could have you.
You swapped me for a phone? No, I didn't swap you.
It was nice.
Steve asked to marry you and I said "What's in it for me?" It was a joke.
I mean, like all good jokes, there was a germ of truth in it.
I'm really having big, big doubts about this, Dad.
I mean, Sally hates me, you swapped me for a phone.
A smartphone.
And Steve, like that restaurant thing the other day, little things like that always go wrong with us.
But that was cute, it was funny.
I wonder whether, when I got into this, I was thinking a lot about the wedding because it'll be like National Amber Day, a festival of me.
But when I think about the rest, living with Steve and giving birth to his enormous children, I start to feel, not sick, but like I want to lie down for about 1,000 years.
Maybe I've rushed it.
Tom! Do you want to come and talk tableware for the wedding? It's impossible to rush a marriage, marriage is a brilliant thing.
Everyone agrees - the Tories, the Pope, the Inland Revenue.
Are you sure? Yes! First thought, best thought - definitely get married.
You're over-thinking.
This is like your backhand all over again.
Coming, Sally, coming.
So, tonight's the big night? Yes, my friend, last night of wedding planning.
We have reached the point of no return! We're going to start off by listening to some of the greatest love songs ever recorded to pick the wedding music.
I've got 12 CDs.
Can you imagine how romantic she's going to feel after listening to that lot? And then I'm going to tell her that I've been to lots of weddings where the bride and groom's parents have to kiss.
She'll giggle cos I'm so charming and flirty and wily and then I'm going to suggest we have a practice session, and then, Roy, we'll be kissing and there'll be nothing that you can do about it! Well, I'm worried, Tom, I'm worried that this wedding is not a good idea.
Of course it's a good idea.
Steve told me about his doubts.
Now, has Amber said anything to you? Maybe, a bit.
But they're young, they have all these unrealistic ideas.
Are you really prepared to have your daughter trapped in a loveless marriage just so you can get close to Sally? Look, the wedding is arranged, it's an arranged marriage.
Now, I know that because you're a bitter old xenophobe, you hate that sort of thing, but everyone else is happy, so just shut up! Now, that's option two.
It's pretty romantic, isn't it? Erm, is it a tiny bit? Yeah, you're right, it's total crud! But I've got 168 more options! I could always No, Roy, thank you.
Sally's hiring a jazz quartet.
Get back in the kitchen with your chop.
Now, I've been up all night thinking about your brother-in-law, the Dave Conundrum.
Thing is, table 13 is an arts and literature table.
We can't throw in a quantity surveyor, he'd get eaten alive.
Dave can't make it after all.
OK, right, good, well, that makes things simpler.
We can consolidate.
Now, McShane and Nettles, we can't have Lovejoy on the same table as Bergerac.
The McShanes never replied to my invite and John Nettles' AGENT sent through misspelt apologies.
What?! Also, I've been wondering, Tom, spending my weapons nest egg on a big blow-out, is that such a wise idea? Maybe we should keep it small - no jazz quartet, cheese and biscuits, no frills.
We're not having the Happy Shopper wedding, Sally.
We need to talk about the arrangements and the kissing.
Because a lot of times, the bride and groom's parents Now, look, I'm sorry, Tom.
Why don't you look into the bare minimum you could invite? Two or three? I might think about asking Roy if he could maybe provide Blimey, Roy, you're good! Oh, I'm always walking around tootling on this old thing.
Ha-ha-ha! No church, no marquee, no jazz band, no triple-fried truffle oil chips.
Registry office and Dad doing sandwiches in the pub.
Not exactly living the dream, you know? Amber! You SHALL go to the ball.
What? I've done it, I've sold the Triumph and with the money, what I'm thinking is, little civic ceremony here, but then I've got enough to send you off for a blessing on the beach! Five-star place in the Maldives! Really? But that bike was a symbol of your irrepressible manhood.
Yup, but I've flogged it to a guy in Stoke.
He can have my irrepressible manhood, see what use it is to him! Dad, oh! Yeah.
I mean, if you like, I've done the sums and if you want, actually, me and Sally could come, the parents, as witnesses, just for the ceremony.
And then we could just bugger off to a beach hut and leave you two in peace.
That sounds amazing.
I'll call Steve.
Blimey, Tom! That is nice! Yup, I've done something very selfless for my daughter.
It's the crime of the century.
Everything all right, Amber? Mmm, uh-huh, yeah, think so.
Feeling a bit funny.
Last night I wanted to have a chat with Steve, but we didn't get a chance.
Ah, sweet, not seeing each other the night before? No, I was watching my Ken Hom's Hot Wok DVD in bed and he was in the other room doing instant messaging on the internet.
That's what we do most nights.
But you get together at bedtime? Usually I fall asleep watching TV and then he comes to bed after I've fallen asleep.
Oh, right.
Oh, I don't know, Dad, the truth is it just feels wrong.
But that's great! What do you mean? Well, it felt really right when I married your mum, but that turned out very badly, so probably if it feels dead wrong now, that's a sign that maybe it'll turn out really good! Now, if any person present knows of any lawful impediment to this marriage, they should declare it now.
Ah! Sorry? Yes, do you know what? I think I might do actually, love.
Dad? Tom? Although, sorry, no, I thought I had one, but it's gone.
It was on the tip of my tongue, but carry on, everyone.
Very well then.
Amber Margaret Catherine Moon Unit Finnan do you take Stephen? Hang on, I've remembered, there is one, sorry.
There is a lawful impediment.
What is it? Steve doesn't like Ken Hom's Hot Wok.
Tom, I don't think that's actually a lawful impediment.
Also, when they have dinner, they often cook two separate meals.
And they have them in two separate rooms.
Only when Ken Hom is on.
Steve shouldn't have to watch it if he doesn't like it.
Yes, he should! That's marriage.
I didn't like The Archers, but I had to listen to it every day for 30 bloody years! You have meals in separate rooms? Well, in the week.
On Saturdays, we meet up.
Are you two OK? Yes, we're fine, we're totally fine.
Aren't we? Yeah.
Please, let's get this over with.
Right, well Sorry, Steve, wedding's off! Oh! That cost £200.
Isn't is supposed to be two months' salary? I mean, I don't mind, but Well, if you calculate it net rather than gross, then it works We don't need a ring to get married? True.
You mean I swallowed that for nothing? Although, Steve, maybe, shall we have a little think about it, just to check we really do want Maybe it is all for the best, sweetheart.
Oh, yes, maybe it is.
I blame myself for pushing you into it.
I'm sorry, Amber.
What goes around, comes around.
Which reminds me, you will get the ring back.
Two weeks on an island the size of a football pitch with you.
It'll be nice.
Oh, it'll be nice! I was just looking forward to massaging suntan oil into Sally's back.
Whereas your back is like a relief map of the Pennines.
Tom, any sign of the treasure yet? Nope, it's such poor quality, I think it might have dissolved.
I'm not smuggling anything, officer.
I simply swallowed my daughter's wedding ring to stop her getting married.
You know how it is.
You know Scarlett Johansson? The beautiful, young actress? Yeah, that's right.
The beautiful, young actress.
I'd love to sleep with her.
Just so you know.
Well, thanks for letting me know.
I know it sounds stupid, but I just thought it was worth mentioning in case it ever came up.
Duly noted! Of course I wouldn't necessarily be any good at it and I don't suppose for a minute she'd be interested, but I would just LOVE to sleep with her, if she asked.
Love to! Well, I'm glad we've got that one sorted out, Tom, because if Scarlett Johansson comes around regarding the possibility of sleeping with you, it's a yes? Correct.
Er, if you got a Blackberry, Tom, which one would it be? Hmm, good one, probably have to be a Blackberry Storm to be honest.
You? Well, if I went for a smartphone, it'd actually be a Nokia E71 or, shoot me down, a Motorola Droid! Yes, excellent compatibility.
Course I'm really an iPhones man myself.
Yeah, you love the app store, don't you? Oh, yes, I love it down the app store.
Lovin' the iPhone.
Do you think you'd ever get one, Tom? Get one?! God, no, never.
They're not for the likes of us.
Incredibly expensive and used by self-important twonks.
Hello! Hello! Hello! Hey! Guess what I've got for you? Amber, I'm sorry, but I don't want to buy any more erotic pottery.
Tomatoes! Oh, thanks, love, but it's not the war.
You can get five different kinds of Tommy tomatoes down the 24-hour.
Yeah, but taste this tomato.
Cos I grew it.
Dad? What, you've been making food? But I LOVE gardening.
It's my thing.
I thought yoga was my thing, but basically it's just breathing for show-offs.
Just don't tell Steve I've stopped going.
Grrr, Steve! Tom, Amber's growling re: Steve.
Oh, yeah.
Amber, how's it going with Steve? Oh, pretty good, thanks for asking.
Just I'm a bit nervous actually, cos the other day, I asked him to ask me to marry him.
What, you asked HIM? Yeah.
Did you do it on one knee? No, as a matter of fact, I did it on a stool.
I don't know what I was thinking.
I got up on a stool and started pointing at him.
It started off like a joke, but it ended up me towering over him on a stool pointing at him with a remote control like a laser gun, ordering him to ask me to marry him.
Right, and did he? Well, yeah, but it didn't feel very romantic, so I got him to ask me again by the stream and again with a guitar and again in a pedalo.
And eventually it did feel a bit romantic.
Ah, that's lovely.
Which one's my decaf? This one.
Or is it this one? The question is, do you feel lucky punk? Let me start our meeting off by saying just how glad I am you could meet me, Tom Mr Finnan.
You can call me Sir.
Oh, sorry.
No, I'm just pulling your dongle, Steve.
Relax, mate! I'm just a bit nervous, you know, because, well, because Because you want to borrow my Strimmer? No, no because, Mr Finnan, in your daughter, Amber, I think I may have found the missing jigsaw piece of contentment that completes the puzzle which is my soul.
I do her honour and with my body and I do Sick bucket, please, Rajan? I'm serious, Tom.
Yeah, no, that's all lovely, Steve, but there's no need to ladle it on with a trowel, I get the idea.
I want to ask for Amber's hand in marriage.
And what's in it for me? Oh, right, I No, I'm kidding, mate.
No, it's lovely.
Congratulations.
Oh, this is great news, let me get the coffees.
Rajan, the coffees are on me! He already paid! I know.
Oh, this is great! I only wish that I had some form of mobile communication device, like the ones that you sell, so that I could email everyone and let them know the good news.
I could maybe see about a little token of my appreciation.
Absolutely not, I wouldn't hear of it.
There's no need to buy me a smartphone.
So you don't want one? A Blackberry? Well, everyone wants a Blackberry, Steve, that's just life.
But no, seriously, I couldn't possibly.
On the house, guys.
Ginger cake.
One's gluten free and the other's packed with gluten.
The question is who's going to ride the gluten tiger? Oh, God! This wedding is a disaster! Won't it be the proudest day of your life? Exactly - the proudest, most financially-crippling day of my life.
I'm sure Steve and Amber would be very happy with something simple.
Yes! That's it, brilliant - something simple, that's the line.
I mean, no-one really likes champagne, do they? Not really.
Tom We could have a picnic, in the forest, drink from the stream.
Berries from the trees, sweet, delicious conker nuts.
Why don't you tell Sally the truth that you can't pay for a big wedding for her son? Oh, yeah, the truth, you'd love that, wouldn't you? Well, if you need money, why don't you sell the Triumph? The Triumph? That bike is a part of me.
It's like a 500cc leg.
The Triumph is a symbol of my irrepressible manhood.
Yeah, but it's lying in bits all over the garage floor.
I know and it gives me a headache just thinking about it, but it is very important to my self-esteem.
Sally! Hi, Roy! Ah, Tom, I thought we might have a pre-chat about wedding plans.
Oh, great.
But we're having lunch with Amber and Steve tomorrow to sort all that out.
Why are we laughing? I don't know.
You started it.
Well, that's a good one.
Oh, yes, a single lunch, that'll be enough to sort out the wedding.
I suppose they knocked up the moonshot plans over a panini, right, Tom? Exactly, oh, the thought! Oh, dear.
No, I've been whittling away at the guest list and I just can't get it below the 200 mark.
There's so many people I'm dying to see, all my old chums from the acting world.
About that, Sally, I was wondering whether we shouldn't keep things a bit cosy, and also, in view of the economic climate, if perhaps the wedding feast could be simple fare? Oh, like what? A conker and a glass of water.
Are you worried about the expense, Tom? Are you kidding? No! I love a massive blow-out for all my cousins and your optician and pay for them all to get drunk in a tent.
Brilliant! Because I've had a nest egg put aside for a while.
It was in tobacco, but I moved it into arms just before the first Gulf War, so let's just say somebody's winning in Afghanistan! I'd be happy to pay.
Yeah? Well, I have very strong feelings about the arrangements and I'm sure you do too.
Well, naturally, all men have very strong feelings about the appropriate arrangements for a wedding.
Well, however long it takes, we'll just have to thrash it out.
Exactly.
You and me arguing, at each other's throats until late, late into the night, when, exhausted, one of us finally submits.
Exactly.
Uh, can I help with the planning at all? OK, I'll go get my files and we can have a pre-pre-initial meeting discussion.
Aye-aye, captain! Oh, my God, Roy! This is it! What? The chance I've been waiting for with Sally.
Finally! Something in common, Roy! You can't build a relationship on living diagonally opposite one another.
But a wedding! I'm finally going to close the deal.
And don't you try and stop me.
I'm not going to try to stop you.
If you do, I'll punch you.
I'm not going to, so you won't need to.
Roy, if I have to, I WILL punch you.
Will you stop threatening to punch me? We were having a nice afternoon and now every few seconds, you're threatening to punch me! Once I got the old address book out, I could hardly stop.
It just seems like such an opportunity to see so many lovely old mates.
I've got a mate I wouldn't mind inviting - Mike.
He used to do my dodgy MOTs, nice guy.
Well, not TOTALLY a nice guy.
He sounds just like Ian McShane! Ian loves a prank.
I can't wait to see the McShanes and John and Cathy Nettles and Tony Dimbleby.
He's the only Dimbleby who doesn't broadcast.
Ah, hello, you two! Er, Dad, old green, you're wearing old green? They get comfier every year.
Did you not tell them, Steve? No, I thought you told them.
What? Erm, the restaurant, it's a fine dining experience.
Ah, right.
No, I didn't know.
Ah, this is SO funny! We're all over the place, this is typical us! That's right, yes, it's very us.
Who gives a fig? We're crazy, we're actually mental.
I told you we shouldn't stop taking our medication.
Oh, I see! You're all dressed up for here.
And are you going to a horse race later? No.
Why? Do you think the outfit's too much? No, no, it's wonderful.
You're so clever with what you wear, Amber.
It's so interesting.
Uh-huh.
Erm, well, thanks for having me over, guys, you know, it's really good to get some man time.
Steve, just a note - we tend to watch the football in silence, make comments at half-time.
Right, right.
It's just that I What is it now, Steve? I got you a little gift.
Oh, you shouldn't have.
But you did! Look at this, Roy, look at it! Wish I had a daughter so I could get a smartphone.
Well done, mate! This is brilliant! Let the pain of the set-up begin! OK.
Half-time.
What's on your mind, Steve? Oh, nothing, really.
Look, we've only got 15 minutes! Right.
Well, I hope you don't mind, but I wanted to talk about man things.
Steve, I've never looked at another man's equipment in my life and I don't intend to start now.
No, it's not that.
It's, well, marriage.
You've been married, Roy - any tips? Well, let me ask you one question.
Do you have an invisible pen? Sorry? A pen which writes with ink that only shows up under ultraviolet light! No.
Well, get one because when you first move in together, you don't want to create a bad atmosphere by writing your name visibly on all your possessions.
Use an invisible marker.
Then, when the break-up happens in 10 or 20 years, you simply shine your ultraviolet light and, voila, it's immediately clear whose copy of Middlemarch it really is! Right, I'm off.
Amber needs help.
Tom, Steve's asking for marriage tips.
You told him about the pen? Yes.
Anything else? Um a very wise old rabbi once told me that marriage is like a grandfather clock.
But I forget why.
What's going on? Where's Sally? I've done a wrong one, Dad, again.
I wanted to show Sally I was a nurturing earth mother with my gardening skills.
I've been weeding and spading for hours and now I've broken her favourite pumpkin tree.
Pumpkin tree?! Apple, pumpkin, what's the difference?! See, I thought this branch would look better there, so I bent it.
Amber? Are you sure these are weeds? They look like flowers.
What? Oh, God! I don't know, how you are supposed to know?! You're a weed, you're a flower.
Gardening is just racism for plants.
What are you planting instead? Well, I was thinking tomatoes.
So you think it's OK to have doubts? Well, how big are your doubts? Would you say your doubts are the size of an orange, which is quite manageable, or more like a Renault, which could be a problem? No, I love her and I think she's great, but she's quite unpredictable and a lot of the time, I'm waking up during the night screaming.
Is that normal? How loud? Oh, I don't know, sort of, er Aaagh! That sounds more like a moan to me.
And is moaning OK? Oh, moaning is fine.
Moaning and murmuring - quite normal in a marriage.
Screaming could be a warning signal so keep an eye on that or Or what, Roy? Second half, Steve.
I'll tell you after the second half.
Ah, hello, you two! What's what's with the? The branch came off, it was quite a tired branch.
Is that sticky tape? Don't worry, Sally, this is definitely something you can do.
Bish, bash, bosh, tape up the tree, then staple the runner beans.
Amber, darling, are you going to put all these flowers back in? Can do, but they won't thrive.
The trouble is is that your soil has all the bad aspects of chalk and all the bad aspects of clay.
It's chalky clay.
You actually shouldn't have this type of soil.
Oh, well I'm sorry.
It's all right, Sally, I'll let you off this once! Just so long as you make us a nice cup of tea.
Oh, right.
Fine.
Did I just order her to make me tea? Yes, a bit.
I was trying to be matey.
Yes, I could see what you were going for.
It didn't come off, love.
Oh! Text message! New phone? Yes, Steve gave it me in exchange, when I said he could have you.
You swapped me for a phone? No, I didn't swap you.
It was nice.
Steve asked to marry you and I said "What's in it for me?" It was a joke.
I mean, like all good jokes, there was a germ of truth in it.
I'm really having big, big doubts about this, Dad.
I mean, Sally hates me, you swapped me for a phone.
A smartphone.
And Steve, like that restaurant thing the other day, little things like that always go wrong with us.
But that was cute, it was funny.
I wonder whether, when I got into this, I was thinking a lot about the wedding because it'll be like National Amber Day, a festival of me.
But when I think about the rest, living with Steve and giving birth to his enormous children, I start to feel, not sick, but like I want to lie down for about 1,000 years.
Maybe I've rushed it.
Tom! Do you want to come and talk tableware for the wedding? It's impossible to rush a marriage, marriage is a brilliant thing.
Everyone agrees - the Tories, the Pope, the Inland Revenue.
Are you sure? Yes! First thought, best thought - definitely get married.
You're over-thinking.
This is like your backhand all over again.
Coming, Sally, coming.
So, tonight's the big night? Yes, my friend, last night of wedding planning.
We have reached the point of no return! We're going to start off by listening to some of the greatest love songs ever recorded to pick the wedding music.
I've got 12 CDs.
Can you imagine how romantic she's going to feel after listening to that lot? And then I'm going to tell her that I've been to lots of weddings where the bride and groom's parents have to kiss.
She'll giggle cos I'm so charming and flirty and wily and then I'm going to suggest we have a practice session, and then, Roy, we'll be kissing and there'll be nothing that you can do about it! Well, I'm worried, Tom, I'm worried that this wedding is not a good idea.
Of course it's a good idea.
Steve told me about his doubts.
Now, has Amber said anything to you? Maybe, a bit.
But they're young, they have all these unrealistic ideas.
Are you really prepared to have your daughter trapped in a loveless marriage just so you can get close to Sally? Look, the wedding is arranged, it's an arranged marriage.
Now, I know that because you're a bitter old xenophobe, you hate that sort of thing, but everyone else is happy, so just shut up! Now, that's option two.
It's pretty romantic, isn't it? Erm, is it a tiny bit? Yeah, you're right, it's total crud! But I've got 168 more options! I could always No, Roy, thank you.
Sally's hiring a jazz quartet.
Get back in the kitchen with your chop.
Now, I've been up all night thinking about your brother-in-law, the Dave Conundrum.
Thing is, table 13 is an arts and literature table.
We can't throw in a quantity surveyor, he'd get eaten alive.
Dave can't make it after all.
OK, right, good, well, that makes things simpler.
We can consolidate.
Now, McShane and Nettles, we can't have Lovejoy on the same table as Bergerac.
The McShanes never replied to my invite and John Nettles' AGENT sent through misspelt apologies.
What?! Also, I've been wondering, Tom, spending my weapons nest egg on a big blow-out, is that such a wise idea? Maybe we should keep it small - no jazz quartet, cheese and biscuits, no frills.
We're not having the Happy Shopper wedding, Sally.
We need to talk about the arrangements and the kissing.
Because a lot of times, the bride and groom's parents Now, look, I'm sorry, Tom.
Why don't you look into the bare minimum you could invite? Two or three? I might think about asking Roy if he could maybe provide Blimey, Roy, you're good! Oh, I'm always walking around tootling on this old thing.
Ha-ha-ha! No church, no marquee, no jazz band, no triple-fried truffle oil chips.
Registry office and Dad doing sandwiches in the pub.
Not exactly living the dream, you know? Amber! You SHALL go to the ball.
What? I've done it, I've sold the Triumph and with the money, what I'm thinking is, little civic ceremony here, but then I've got enough to send you off for a blessing on the beach! Five-star place in the Maldives! Really? But that bike was a symbol of your irrepressible manhood.
Yup, but I've flogged it to a guy in Stoke.
He can have my irrepressible manhood, see what use it is to him! Dad, oh! Yeah.
I mean, if you like, I've done the sums and if you want, actually, me and Sally could come, the parents, as witnesses, just for the ceremony.
And then we could just bugger off to a beach hut and leave you two in peace.
That sounds amazing.
I'll call Steve.
Blimey, Tom! That is nice! Yup, I've done something very selfless for my daughter.
It's the crime of the century.
Everything all right, Amber? Mmm, uh-huh, yeah, think so.
Feeling a bit funny.
Last night I wanted to have a chat with Steve, but we didn't get a chance.
Ah, sweet, not seeing each other the night before? No, I was watching my Ken Hom's Hot Wok DVD in bed and he was in the other room doing instant messaging on the internet.
That's what we do most nights.
But you get together at bedtime? Usually I fall asleep watching TV and then he comes to bed after I've fallen asleep.
Oh, right.
Oh, I don't know, Dad, the truth is it just feels wrong.
But that's great! What do you mean? Well, it felt really right when I married your mum, but that turned out very badly, so probably if it feels dead wrong now, that's a sign that maybe it'll turn out really good! Now, if any person present knows of any lawful impediment to this marriage, they should declare it now.
Ah! Sorry? Yes, do you know what? I think I might do actually, love.
Dad? Tom? Although, sorry, no, I thought I had one, but it's gone.
It was on the tip of my tongue, but carry on, everyone.
Very well then.
Amber Margaret Catherine Moon Unit Finnan do you take Stephen? Hang on, I've remembered, there is one, sorry.
There is a lawful impediment.
What is it? Steve doesn't like Ken Hom's Hot Wok.
Tom, I don't think that's actually a lawful impediment.
Also, when they have dinner, they often cook two separate meals.
And they have them in two separate rooms.
Only when Ken Hom is on.
Steve shouldn't have to watch it if he doesn't like it.
Yes, he should! That's marriage.
I didn't like The Archers, but I had to listen to it every day for 30 bloody years! You have meals in separate rooms? Well, in the week.
On Saturdays, we meet up.
Are you two OK? Yes, we're fine, we're totally fine.
Aren't we? Yeah.
Please, let's get this over with.
Right, well Sorry, Steve, wedding's off! Oh! That cost £200.
Isn't is supposed to be two months' salary? I mean, I don't mind, but Well, if you calculate it net rather than gross, then it works We don't need a ring to get married? True.
You mean I swallowed that for nothing? Although, Steve, maybe, shall we have a little think about it, just to check we really do want Maybe it is all for the best, sweetheart.
Oh, yes, maybe it is.
I blame myself for pushing you into it.
I'm sorry, Amber.
What goes around, comes around.
Which reminds me, you will get the ring back.
Two weeks on an island the size of a football pitch with you.
It'll be nice.
Oh, it'll be nice! I was just looking forward to massaging suntan oil into Sally's back.
Whereas your back is like a relief map of the Pennines.
Tom, any sign of the treasure yet? Nope, it's such poor quality, I think it might have dissolved.
I'm not smuggling anything, officer.
I simply swallowed my daughter's wedding ring to stop her getting married.
You know how it is.