The Ranch (2016) s02e06 Episode Script

[sighs.]
Dude, how the hell did we not know Umberto was illegal? I mean, in hindsight, there were some signs.
That time we got that stripper to dress up like a cop for Berto's birthday, then he jumped out the window.
It's all my fault.
[sniffles.]
Come on, man.
- [grunts.]
No, it ain't.
- No? Told him not to work this weekend.
I led him to that bar.
Started the fight that got us all arrested.
Okay, sure.
- Technically, it's all your fault.
- [Rooster sighs.]
That guy's been here forever, you know? His whole life is here.
Yeah.
He just bought a house he can't afford.
What's more American than that? Damn it.
How did this happen, man? I'm the fucking Rooster.
My shit's locked down tight.
Now, I got my right-hand man on his way down to Mexico.
We're stuck here in jail.
Supposed to have all the cows tagged tomorrow at 9:00 a.
m.
God, I fucked everything up.
Is this what it feels like to be you? You can't give up.
If I'd have given up, I'd have never engineered the greatest comeback in Seahawks history.
You never played for Seattle.
No, the Edmonton Seahawks.
Canadian Football League.
Six minutes on the clock.
We're down by 24 to the Medicine Hat Marauders.
My teammates they say, [in Canadian accent.]
"Eh, let's take off, eh? We're not about to beat these hosers.
" [chuckles.]
[in Canadian accent.]
"Let's go drink some Molson, eh? Let's go drink some syrup, eh?" [normal.]
There's three seconds left on the clock.
We're down by four, right? So I heave up a prayer.
My tight end, Steve Koslowaski, goes up over four defenders, catches the ball, end zone, one hand.
Touchdown.
Place goes nuts, right? Unfortunately, Steve comes down on the ball, ruptured his spleen.
He died.
But the important part is we never quit.
[sighs.]
Look, Colt, appreciate what you're trying to do, but I mean, I think even if I had Berto here Not enough time for me to get everything done.
[sighs.]
- What if I help? - [sighs.]
I mean, even if we got all the cows tagged, like I got a ton of paperwork and computer shit to do.
I am not good at that.
Dude, up until last week, I thought PDF stood for "public display of fucking.
" Get Abby to do it.
Paperwork, that's like her Madden.
[sighs.]
I don't know.
Come on, man.
Do it for Berto! Hell, do it for Steve Koslowaski! Do it for the guy in Thunder Bay, Ontario, that got Steve's heart! All right.
- All right.
Shit, yeah - Yeah! - We can do this, right? - Fuck yeah! Yeah.
Shit, we're still in jail.
[theme song playing.]
What's taking them so long? They have all their information from their last arrest.
When was that? Was it the drunken NASCAR race with the handicap scooters through Kmart? No, it was the time they went streaking through Arby's, yelling, - "We have the meats.
" - Oh, yeah.
- Jesus.
- That's right.
Are we bad parents? If we were bad parents, we wouldn't be here bailing 'em out.
Oh, uh, Jerry sent me an e-mail.
He wants to meet later.
Apparently, I have an offer on the bar.
- Really? - Yeah.
Well, good for you.
Wish someone would make an offer on the boys.
- Hey.
Mary.
- Oh, hey, Beau.
Maggie.
- Hey, Phyllis.
What's up? - Hi, Mary.
Frank, don't freak out.
Just visiting.
[chuckling.]
I may have been here a few times before.
You didn't have to come out.
We would've picked 'em both up.
Oh, yeah, Rooster wasn't sure y'all were coming.
Oh, plus, Cindy in fingerprinting wanted to show me pictures of her new baby.
They did a little mug shot.
Booked the kid for excessive cuteness and carrying a loaded diaper.
[Mary and Beau chuckle.]
So, how's Heather doing? Oh, you know, she has her good days and her bad days.
Baby daddy's in jail, so that's about right for the Roth girls.
I just wish this whole situation wasn't so hard on her.
I'm sorry she's having such a tough time.
- She's a fine young woman.
- Aw, thank you.
[chuckles.]
I'd ask you how Colt and Rooster are doing, but I think we know.
- But we still love 'em.
- [Mary chuckles.]
Right? Hey, Ma, thanks for coming.
Oh.
Thanks for bringing Dad.
Whoa! What the hell? There was money in here.
Hey.
Someone owes me three bucks.
That's my man.
- Hey, who wants to go to Arby's? - [Rooster.]
Oh.
- What's up, Abby? - How's the tagging going? It's going.
We got a lot of work to do and not a lot of time to do it in.
Plus, Colt just wasted, like, 15 minutes trying to decide what cow was gonna be number 69.
- You heard from Berto? - I did, yeah.
He's doing all right.
He's not back home yet, but he's excited to see his family.
[chuckles.]
He's told them so many stories about us, they got a rooster named Rooster and a jackass named Colt.
[chuckles.]
You'll never guess who stopped by the ice hut last night while you idiots were getting yourselves arrested.
- Who? - Weather girl extraordinaire - Tanya Showers.
- Fuck you, no way! What'd you guys talk about? Did you hook up? - Did we hook up? - Well, that's not a no.
I wasn't gonna say anything but it was cold, so I made her an Irish coffee.
We started talking for a while and then you know.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
You don't get to the good part of the story and just end it with "you know.
" - I thought you had work to do.
- Fuck work! Well, it was cold, - and we only had one blanket.
- Yeah.
So we both climbed under and then Tanya's hand - Rooster, we got a problem.
- Shut up, Colt.
Found a dead heifer down by the pond.
Looked like a mountain lion.
- You kidding me? How old's the carcass? - A day.
Damn.
Well, it's coming back tonight.
I can't lose another cow.
Maybe we get a shot at him.
Yeah.
I guess we'll finish tagging up them cows and then stay out all night, get drunk and shoot something.
- [both chuckle.]
- Just like high school all over again.
Hopefully this time you don't shoot the Grand Junction mascot.
Oh, come on, he was fine.
You drink a 12-pack and tell me that don't look like a real griffin coming at you.
[laughing.]
- Oh! Hey, Beau.
- Hey, Mary.
I got a little gift for Heather.
Is she around? Of course.
Much like your kids, my kids never move out.
Even worse, my kids make more kids.
- [Beau chuckles.]
Yeah.
- [Mary chuckles.]
Come on in.
Hey, Heather, you've got company! Whoa! Something smells good.
Yeah, we're making apple pie.
It'll be ready in about an hour if you wanna sit and chat.
Chat for an hour? I like apple pie, but not that much.
[Mary chuckles.]
Mr.
Bennett.
Good to see you.
Hi, Heather.
How you doing? Doing all right.
Hormones are a bit of a roller coaster.
For some reason, Geico commercials make me cry.
I guess it's just 'cause that lizard's so small and [voice breaking.]
the world's so big.
Yeah.
This is that chatting I was worried about.
Brought you a little present.
Really? Oh, my God.
[sniffles.]
That is so cute.
What's his name? I don't know.
Horse? [Mary chuckles.]
Aw, that is so sweet.
- Beau, did you make this? - Yeah, my father made it for me.
I gave it to Rooster and Colt.
Colt tried to run away from home with it one day.
He sat in the driveway and rocked and rocked for about three hours.
[Mary and Heather chuckling.]
At least he's always been good-looking.
[Mary chuckles.]
Thank you so much, Mr.
Bennett.
I know this isn't easy for you.
But you're gonna be the mother of my grandchild and that makes you a Bennett, too.
There's ever anything you need, you just let me know.
You'll always have a seat at our table.
Oh, my God, this is like Geico times ten.
- [sobbing.]
Thank you.
- All right.
Okay.
That's Hank, there's something I wanna tell you.
I'm selling the bar.
Jerry's on his way over with the offer.
Wow.
You always hear about these things happening to other people but you never think it'll happen to you.
- Hey, Maggie.
- Hey, Jerry.
Um, we should probably talk privately.
Anything you have to say to Maggie, you can say in front of me.
Hank, I think it's better if you stay put.
You're too emotionally involved.
How you doing, Jerry? How were your holidays? Great.
I made a New Year's resolution to lose five pounds.
And I got food poisoning and hit my goal.
[chuckles.]
Here you are.
- Ooh, is that the offer? - Yes.
Now, I'm sure you were hoping for something better, but try to keep an open mind.
It's funny, that's the first time I've ever said that with my clothes on.
[laughs.]
- I mean, are you kidding me? - No.
Is this it? [stammering.]
But look, it is all cash.
How am I supposed to get excited about an offer that ends with "and 75 cents"? [sighs.]
This bar is worth so much more than this.
I have loyal customers.
Hank alone covers the utilities.
[chuckling.]
Yeah, well they don't care about the business.
They just want the land.
They're gonna build a charging station for electric cars on their way to Telluride.
[sighs.]
Environmentalists.
Great.
Now I'm getting fucked by people I actually admire.
[Jerry chuckles.]
I don't know.
Can we wait for another offer? Well, it's your call, but I'm not sure you're gonna get a better offer.
Small towns are dying, Maggie.
[scoffs.]
Trust me, I drive by boarded-up stores every day.
The only places left around here are this place, the liquor store and the Yarn Barn.
[Jerry chuckles.]
What is it with this town and yarn? By the way, thank you for the pot holders.
[Jerry.]
Mmm-hmm.
I'm sorry, you know, about the only way you're gonna make more is if you burn the place down for the insurance money.
But that's not legal advice.
[stammering.]
And it certainly has nothing to do with you know, my completely accidental boat fire.
[knocking at door.]
Hey, Heather.
Hey, Mr.
Bennett.
I brought you a little gift.
- Oh! - [Heather chuckles.]
I've been thinking about apple pie since this morning.
Almost built you a crib so I could have an excuse to go back.
[chuckles.]
I can get us some plates.
I didn't say I was gonna share.
[Heather chuckles.]
So, actually, I didn't come by just to bring you a pie.
You said if there was ever anything that I needed Heather, whatever it is, you got it.
When the boys need something, it's usually money or beer.
- Or money for beer.
- [chuckles.]
I don't need any money.
But just out of curiosity, how much could I have gotten? - A lot more than either of them.
- [chuckles.]
The thing is I don't have a lot of positive male role models in my life, and you don't have to say yes but I was wondering if you'd be the baby's godfather.
I'm flattered.
But don't you think I'm a little old? You're only as old as you feel.
Well, I feel older than I am.
Mr.
Bennett, if my child ever had a problem I can't imagine anyone I'd want them coming to more than you.
All right.
I'm honored.
Thank you.
- Abby? - Hey.
Hey.
Hey! Uh, sorry to interrupt.
I was just meeting Colt here later.
It's okay.
I was just leaving.
Heather, wait.
I should probably apologize for what I said to you at the bar the other night.
Okay.
Just so you know, that's not an apology.
I know.
You're right.
[groans.]
I was drunk, really drunk, and I said some things that I didn't mean and I'm sorry.
It's fine.
But honestly I kinda feel like you said some things you did mean.
All right, who wants pie? [stammers.]
I wasn't myself that night.
Just admit it.
You don't like me.
You've never liked me.
I'm just some dumb student that you taught in high school, and if Colt didn't exist, you would've already forgot about me.
Okay, Heather, I like you, okay? And the word's "forgotten," not "forgot," but I correct everyone.
- Point is, I like you.
- [Beau.]
All right She likes you, you like her.
I like you both, and we all like pie.
But really? 'Cause ever since Colt and I hooked up, all you've ever done is make bitchy little comments about my age or my intelligence.
Okay.
Maybe you're right.
Maybe I didn't think you should be together.
But I didn't ask for this.
I didn't expect you to be pregnant with Colt's baby.
Yeah, well, neither did I.
It's an accident.
- Was it? - What's that supposed to mean? It means the second Colt and I get into an argument, you're sleeping with him without any protection.
What, you think I wanted this? Well, if the condom doesn't fit, don't wear it.
You know what, Abby? You think you're better and smarter than everyone.
But you're not.
You're a fucking high school teacher in Garrison.
Get over yourself.
[microwave beeping.]
Pie's ready.
Oh, my God, that's good.
[chuckles.]
Don't eat that.
What? Why? Is it a prank? Did Rooster pee in it? - No, Heather made it for your dad.
- Oh.
It's really good.
Heather stop by? Yeah, and I tried to apologize for what I said when I was drunk and she didn't accept it.
And it got personal, ugly, and your dad was there.
Don't worry.
My dad's seen a lot of girl fights.
He raised Rooster.
[chuckling.]
Remind me to tell that to Rooster later.
Colt, it's not funny, okay? She told me I was stuck up and that I need to get over myself.
Look, Heather's going through a tough time.
You've gotta give her a break.
Are you taking her side? No.
No, I I'm not taking anyone's side.
Really? 'Cause I just told you that she insulted me and you seem to care more about how she's doing.
I don't have time for this right now.
- Seriously? - Yeah! I haven't slept in two days.
I got arrested.
[stutters.]
My best friend got deported.
Now I gotta spend the whole night helping Rooster hunt down some mountain lion.
Cool.
Thanks for the support.
[sighs.]
I'm sorry.
I didn't mean it that way.
It just came out kind of aggressive.
Probably because I'm holding a gun.
Can't you just figure this out? Sure.
I'll figure it out.
Great.
Give me that! Fuck, this is delicious! Look [sighs and sniffles.]
Just wanna say, you were right about this this job.
A lot of people'd kill for it.
I nearly pissed it away.
[sighs.]
Without you and Abby and all your help, you know tagging the cows and helping me turn this around never would have happened.
So thank you.
You're a good brother.
All right, enough with the sappy shit.
What if this carcass is just a trap? What if this mountain lion is just luring us out here to eat us? What? Why would you put that in my head? I'm just saying, man, you gotta be ready for anything.
For example, this thing goes sideways, I'm shooting you in the leg, sacrificing you to the cat and I'm home free.
I'm not even mad.
That's just a good plan.
Abby and Heather got in a huge fight today.
Really? I don't know who I'd take in that fight.
Heather's got the reach, but Abby's got that crazy, you know? Like, if she were in prison, she'd have a bitch.
Can't be the way it's gonna be for the rest of my life.
You know, I didn't even get to watch SportsCenter today? I got no idea what's going on in the world.
- You want my advice? - No.
Gotta get 'em together.
Get 'em talking.
Girls love talking.
[shushing.]
Here, kitty, kitty.
[Colt.]
On three.
One, two Whoo-hoo-hoo! I got him.
Dude, what the fuck? I said three! [chuckling.]
Yeah, I know, dipshit.
Hell, Maggie, you'd get more for this place if you burned it to the ground and collected the insurance.
[chuckles.]
Jerry said the same thing.
I guess I just have to decide if I wanna be inside or outside when I light the match.
I'm sorry.
Oh it's just that this place was supposed to be my retirement, you know? My ticket to the rest of the world.
You don't wanna see the rest of the world.
If Walmart's full of assholes, what do you think France is like? Oh, the worst part is they wanna level it and turn it into a charging station for electric cars.
Yeah, I mean, they can't be from around here.
Everybody I know would rather stop driving than drinking.
A charging station? Forget burning the place down.
Now I wanna blow it up.
They can drive their little toy cars right into the crater.
[sighing.]
I don't know.
I guess I always thought I was building something here.
You have.
You took a rundown honky-tonk and turned it into the best bar in Garrison.
It's the only bar in Garrison.
Unless you count the heavy communion pours by Father McGinty.
I don't know.
Thought I'd be remembered for something, even if it was just this bar.
Your legacy isn't this building.
Your legacy is in the memories this place created.
People lived their lives here.
You know, they've had had their first dates, they've proposed.
There was even a baby born in the ladies' room.
Yeah, and a guy died in the kitchen.
See? It's not a bar.
- It's the circle of fucking life.
- [chuckles.]
Thanks, Beau.
So what are you gonna do? I don't know.
Jerry says we probably won't get another offer.
I've always trusted my gut.
What's yours telling you? Screw it.
I just better make sure my fire insurance is up to date.
Good for you, Maggie.
Yeah, I'd rather not sell than turn it into a fancy rest stop for guys with man buns.
Man buns? I don't know what that is.
And please don't tell me.
- [Abby sighs.]
- [Colt.]
Hey, morning.
Just cooking a little breakfast for my favorite girl.
You don't cook.
[chuckles.]
These hotcakes and sausages beg to differ.
[Abby.]
Oh.
Are you doing that thing where you run to McDonald's and then pretend to cook for me? No.
What if I check the garbage? No, please don't do that.
Did you at least get me a McGriddle? - [mouthing.]
Yes.
- Here you go.
- [Abby chuckles.]
- Uh-uh.
I'm really sorry about last night.
[knocking at door.]
- Is that Heather? - Um [clears throat.]
Also really sorry about this morning.
You didn't tell me she was gonna be here.
[Abby.]
Wait.
- You invited her here? - All right.
We all need to talk.
- Forget it.
- No, I'm outta here.
[stammering.]
Wait.
Well, I just had the worst weekend of my life.
And I can't have y'all fighting.
So you gotta get along.
You can't force us to be friends, Colt.
Okay.
[stammering.]
So, what do I do? You tell me what I need to do to make this better.
'Cause I'm freaking out.
[stammering.]
I need your help.
Uh, we're having a baby.
That's right, you, me, us, like, together.
So, if y'all don't get along what are we gonna do? I don't know.
I don't know, either.
Listen I knew you were pregnant when I took Colt back.
I knew what I was getting into, and he's right.
There's a baby coming.
Yeah, no kidding.
And right now, that baby wants that McGriddle.
[chuckling.]
Holy shit! I ain't never seen that before.
I normally get extra cheese.
It's better that way.
Colt fucked up.
[scoffs.]
It's still pretty good.
I'm sorry.
Truth is [sighs.]
I'm jealous.
You know, I thought I'd be the one starting a family with Colt.
I'm sorry.
- I didn't mean to take that from you.
- I know.
This, though, I I don't regret.
[chuckles.]
Just so you know I'm jealous of you, too.
[scoffs.]
You went to college, you got a great job, you don't live at home with your mom, your sister and her kids.
Could be doing a little better on the boyfriend front, though.
[chuckles.]
Okay, I don't think that's necessary Colt, don't interrupt her.
Listen, it's not always gonna be easy, but I wanna do whatever I can to be there for you and the baby.
Thank you.
So you guys are all good? - Yeah.
- Yeah.
SportsCenter.
[chuckles.]
Yeah, no, it's a company phone, Mary.
Just send me a picture.
I'll delete it.
[chuckles.]
[stammers.]
Oh, that's a fair price for our cattle.
Yeah.
I'm sure we could make a business deal.
[whispering.]
Send the pic.
I'll call you later.
Well, hey.
What's up, Rich? So you got the whole tracking system up and going? I did.
- We gotta talk.
- Killed a mountain lion, too.
Look, Rooster I'm sorry to have to tell you this, but you're fired.
[scoffs.]
What? Did you get in a bar fight on Friday? No, I won a bar fight on Friday.
Did Umberto get deported as a result of that bar fight? Well, shit.
[sighs.]
I see where this is headed.
I already told you where it's headed.
You're fired.
Rich, I did every single thing you told me to.
You did.
You also went fishing when you were supposed to be working.
You also drove the company truck after you'd been drinking, to a bar, where you got arrested.
You also replied to my corporate e-mails with the word "unsubscribe.
" You are a good rancher, Rooster, but you are a terrible employee.
You have no idea what you're doing.
You still think it's me.
I work for people.
You work for people.
If you understood that, you would still have a job.
[Rich sighs.]
I'm gonna need any keys you have to the ranch and to your truck.
[cell phone chimes.]
I'm gonna need that phone, too.
Well, I can't give you that right now.
All right, well, clear out any personal items.
Leave anything company-related on the desk.
Sorry it didn't work out.
[melancholy music playing.]