The Righteous Gemstones (2019) s02e06 Episode Script
Never Avenge Yourselves, But Leave It to the Wrath of God
1
[TV STATIC DRONES.]
[BRIGHT TONE.]
[RAPID GUNFIRE.]
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC.]
[ENGINES REVVING.]
Motherfucker.
[TIRES SQUEALING.]
[GUNSHOTS.]
Shit! [GUNSHOTS.]
Run, motherfuckers! Run! Look, I'm just wondering, what'd y'all do to cause it? Did y'all flip somebody off on the road? Did Amber stand up in her car seat and press her ass against the window and flash her bleached butthole? Oh, my God.
Judy, we were attacked.
We were targeted for assassination.
- [LAUGHS.]
- Don't jump to conclusions.
Thank you.
Seriously, I'm sorry.
Y'all aren't important enough to be assassinated.
Sheriff, what's your take on this? Oh, maybe it was teenagers up to no good, botched robbery.
- Botched robbery.
- Teenagers? Fuck off.
They were assassins, okay? I seriously doubt they were pros.
Why would you seriously doubt that? Mainly because they didn't even manage to wound anybody.
Damn, Brenda.
[LAUGHS.]
Where the fuck do our tax dollars even go towards? Hey! Baby, don't be kicking chairs.
No, it's fine.
It's fine.
He's been through a traumatic experience.
Probably feels powerless.
I get it.
I'm powerless too, Daddy.
Daddy, I can't be confined to my house all day with Aunt Tiffany living there.
Judy, not now.
No, Daddy, why Why do I have to be the one to shelter this woman? When she cleans up, Daddy, she does it with vinegar.
My whole house smells like asshole.
Enough of this selfishness! Aunt Tiffany is family.
She has been abandoned.
The poor girl is pregnant and has nowhere else to go.
Christ, Judy, are you incapable of caring about anybody but yourself? Damn, Daddy, that was really mean.
BJ? You just gonna sit there mute? [TENSE MUSIC.]
What the hell are we doing in there, Daddy? Huh? Putting on a little show for the sheriff? Come on, we know what the deal is.
Your little running buddy from Memphis tried to kill us.
Maybe.
But I want you, your family, your siblings to stay put on the compound till I deal with it.
I don't want you getting involved.
Well, the Cycle Ninjas came for me, so I am involved.
Cycle Ninjas? Yeah.
That's what I'm calling 'em.
You think this is a fucking movie or something.
Oh, come on, Daddy.
When you broke Kelvin's thumbs, I saw a side of you I knew was in there this whole time.
You talk to him? He don't call me none.
You live down the street from him.
Well, we ain't friends like we were when we were kids.
What do you want me to say? Kelvin grew up a nerd.
This damn family has everything in the world, but you can't just all get along with one another.
So says the man that broke his son's thumbs, all right? Let's not throw sticks and stones, Daddy.
I been feeling outlaw blood coursing through these veins since I could piss standing up.
I know I get that from you.
Let's handle this shit together.
Don't get involved.
I'm not gonna tell you again.
[OMINOUS MUSIC.]
Look at me, a grotesque reflection of what I once was.
Healing takes time.
I'm too hurt to get dressed, Keefe.
I shall remain hidden like the beast I've become.
Hey.
Dressing for the day, it soothes the soul.
[SIGHS.]
[DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
Now step into your Tommy Johns.
[GRUNTS.]
[GROANS.]
Ah.
Nice.
Ah.
Boop.
[UNINTELLIGIBLE YELLING.]
The men think I'm bullshit now.
No.
Not all of 'em.
Just Torsten, Jericho, Cody, Sky, William, and a few others.
Seems they moved into the house.
Inside? D Keefe, no! Well, last night, I-I tried to call curfew, but they would not retire to their yurts.
And then William started snickering, and Sky and Jericho did middle fings.
And I cannot confirm as of yet, but I believe they've been letting Titus out of his cage at night.
Our empire is crumbling.
Hey.
You have got to show them how strong you still are physically and mentally.
Prove to them that your will is not broken, even though your thumbs are.
Baby William Freeman.
No, he's not a baby.
He's a slender, silver-haired man in his late 60s.
Okay.
Thank you.
[SIGHS.]
How many hospitals you call? Every one within 200 miles.
What if he had a stroke and he's walking far and yonder all confused, not even knowing his own name? Why would his phone be cut off? Dead battery? Maybe he lost it.
You really think that's more likely than him just leaving you? With Lionel on the way? Baby Billy would never.
Could it be he's still out looking for Funyuns and when he comes back, he'll have his whole car full of 'em? No.
[SCOFFS.]
No, dear.
That could never be.
You poor dumb hill person.
That's really what you imagine in your mind right now? That is so sad and tragic.
I just I can't I can't even with this.
[SOMBER MUSIC.]
[SNIFFLES.]
Niece, tell me he's not dead.
[SOBBING.]
So the bad guys got away? No! They didn't get away.
Amber shot one of 'em.
Amber, you did? [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
Oh.
Yeah, girl.
Come through, Amber! Yes! - Good job, Amber.
- Thank you.
Heck, even Waylon was impressed.
It's like when David slew Goliath.
Amber, the crack shot.
[IMITATES GUNFIRE.]
- Pew.
- [LAUGHS.]
Pew.
- Pew.
- You know, except for it's not like that at all, because David slew Goliath with a sling.
Amber maybe shot a motorcycle man with a semiautomatic handgun.
So I ma-wait, I maybe shot him? I he went down.
But it is open for debate of who did that.
I mean, we both were going pretty nuts.
- You got to admit that.
- No one's questioning that.
- No.
Shouldn't be.
- But - Shouldn't be questioning that.
- It was me who tagged that scumbag from 50 yards.
[LAUGHTER.]
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
Girl power! That's sexist.
Popped his ass.
Look, I ain't trying to take nothing away.
All I'm saying is, if we're all gonna be talking about this one particular part of the assault, let's get the facts straight.
There was question.
- There was no question.
- Well, there was to me, okay? I witnessed my own things as well.
- We are so lucky to be alive.
- We are.
'Cause I shot that man.
We love you, Amber! Go off, queen! - [ALL CHANTING.]
Amber, Amber, Amber - Uh, shh.
All right.
Amber, Amber, Amber, Amber! - [LAUGHS.]
- Okay, guys.
This isn't a pep rally.
Knock it off.
Let's not lose sight of why we're here, and that's that most of you have fucked your marriages up, okay? Don't make this about my wife doing stuff better than me, okay? Focus on you and the things you've done to ruin your own lives.
Psh.
Ooh, man.
The way Amber was, uh, making a big joke about how you didn't shoot any of those guys had my blood boiling for you, Jesse.
Reminded me of all the times Mandy used to do that kind of shit to me.
Okay, Chet, I know you're trying to help, all right, but I'd really appreciate if you would just knock the fucking chime-ins off, all right? I don't know what the hell you're talking about.
Jess, I want you to know that I'm here for you in spirit during these troubling times, even though I'm not allowed to socialize with you.
Yeah.
Same here, Jesse.
I got nothing going on.
Hey, why don't we grab some Some craft beers, sink some suds? Why don't you sink your own suds? How could you possibly expect me to drink craft beers when there's fucking killers on the loose? Talking about beers in front of Levi's mom.
Really? [TENSE MUSIC.]
[LAUGHTER.]
Whole church sucking my wife's dick.
I know that you guys have been worried about me.
But worry not.
Even if my hands are weak, the spiritual power that is running through me is as strong as ever.
And the God Squad will be fully prepped for all the missions that lay ahead.
But first, my zero-guilt, low-cal strawberry shortcake Bahama bro smoothies! Just a little sweet treat to let the God Squad know that not only are we surviving.
We are thriving.
There's no reason to question.
These yummy smoothies prove it.
Let's huddle up, have a quick prayer about it.
Everybody grab a hand.
Ow! Keefe, not me, obviously.
I have a broken hand.
That'd be silly.
Okay, bro, I got to ask.
How are you supposed to do any missions with those thumbs? I mean, can you even lift a smoothie? Yeah, I'm pretty sure I can grab a cup.
See, you just You got to get on the side of it.
Got it.
And I'm holding a cup.
[LAUGHTER.]
Oh, is that funny? Is that a ha-ha, Sky? No, I was just remembering the time you got beat up by your dad.
[RAUCOUS LAUGHTER.]
[IMITATES EXPLOSION.]
Stop, okay? No.
Sky.
Begone.
I have had enough.
Wrong! We've had enough! I challenge you, Kelvin Gemstone.
ALL: Ooh.
Torsten, what's going on? You are my gentle giant.
This group is about strength.
I'm the strongest.
I should be leader.
Okay.
You challenge me? Then you must bear the cross! Fuck it! Let's do it! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
- Let's go! - Go, Torsten! Smoothies were a bad idea, Keefe.
[INTENSE MUSIC.]
[NO AUDIBLE DIALOGUE.]
[GRUNTS.]
[GRUNTING.]
[ROARS.]
[YELLS.]
He got it up.
[ALL CHEERING.]
[YELLS.]
Now it's your turn.
Okay.
Brother Kelvin is injured.
So in the spirit of fairness, I will act as his second.
If I lift it, our leader he shall remain.
Reset the cross! [ALL CHEERING.]
You don't have to okay.
[STRAINING.]
[PANTING.]
[GRUNTING.]
[LAUGHTER.]
Get it off him! Get it off him! I'm sorry I failed you.
Do you concede? No.
No! Clean your underwears out of the master.
Torsten stays there now.
Yes! Torsten.
You know, I'm not trying to bring stuff up, but I really do think it could've been me who shot that Cycle Ninja.
Good job, Dad.
Word.
Oh, please.
Mom shot him.
Dad's the one who butchered all his shots.
What the fuck did you just say? Dad can't shoot worth a shit.
I'll shoot you.
Go to your room right now.
Go to bed.
Both of you.
Movie night's over with.
Your brother just ruined the movies for everybody.
You little sassy ass! Everybody's saying that.
I feel like there's a goddamn narrative being established, and I don't like it.
Like I didn't do enough to protect you or something.
Baby.
I don't think that.
I love that your instinct was to just get out there and start shooting.
You didn't hit any of 'em, but your instincts were right.
And if you were a better shot, you would have hit every single one of 'em before I even got out of the bus.
Aw, you're just saying that to make me feel better.
I was worthless.
Now Daddy's got me handcuffed.
I can't lead the church.
I can't even protect my own fucking family.
I don't know why we're waiting for your daddy's permission.
It's his fault this happened anyway.
I don't even know why he gets a say.
If you want to protect your family, baby, just do it.
Send a fucking message.
[TENSE MUSIC.]
Sir, I want to apologize for throwing cake at the baptism.
For what it's worth, I was trying to hit my sister, KJ, in the face, but I missed.
Maybe next time, don't throw cake.
It just seems like the only way to be heard in this family is to go to battle.
I-I mean, look at you.
You broke your own son's thumbs.
BJ, are you here to lecture me? Dr.
Gemstone, I respect you enough to tell you the truth.
You may think I'm out of line, but this family is dysfunctional.
Judy wants your approval first and foremost.
Judy could tell me that herself.
Daddy, it's just that Nope.
We're not doing that.
Fair enough.
I-I pushed it.
Dr.
Gemstone, it's just that Judy tends to hold things in until she can't anymore.
And I think sometimes, by the time she lets it out, it's been soaking in pain and anger for so long that it lands a little weird.
Or too loud or too mean.
It all just comes from hurt, though.
Seems like maybe a Gemstone trait.
Thank you for this man-to-man.
I hope we can have more man-to-mans in the future.
[GRUNTS.]
Okay.
I'll see my own way out.
BJ.
Wait.
Thanks for stopping by.
[TENDER MUSIC.]
I've summoned y'all here today to this secret location meetup for our own prayer group, the Second Chance Men.
We can get in a lot of trouble for doing this, Jess.
We're only supposed to meet with the wives.
Yeah.
This better be good.
Look, we talk a lot about second chances, about the concessions one must make to redeem and restore faith.
But I'm interested in talking about something else tonight.
Here.
Take one and pass 'em around.
Inside that box are exact scientific replicas of the sling David used to slay Goliath.
Check 'em out.
See how light and insignificant it seems.
Yet with God's will, it can take down a giant.
Pop him right in his fucking head and kill him.
Who here believes that protecting families is important? Levi, you don't have a family, but when you get one, you'll understand.
- I understand.
- No, but I'm saying, once you get one, you're gonna understand more, okay? Look, let's not argue.
I need some fellas I can trust to help handle some business regarding my family down in Memphis.
Tennessee? Yeah, Gregory.
Is there another fucking Memphis? Well, actually, there is.
There's this little ancient city in Egypt All right, well, we're not going to ancient Egypt, you motherfucker.
I need some dudes to go fuck some people up, to go beat the shit out of some guys.
You want a second chance? How 'bout a second chance at being a man? ALL: Yeah! I said how 'bout a second chance at being a fucking man? ALL: Yeah! Uh, Jesse, should we bring the slings? Yes, Matthew.
Hence the reason I'm fucking passing 'em out.
That's right, feel that ancient masculine energy streaming through those bodies.
Ancient killing power.
[INTENSE MUSIC.]
[DRAMATIC PERCUSSIVE MUSIC.]
[BIRD SQUAWKING.]
- Good evening, Dr.
Gemstone.
- [GASPS.]
Oh, it's raining.
Thank you for the acknowledgement.
Night-night.
[ETHEREAL MUSIC.]
Mind if we talk? Are you gonna break my toes now too? Stomp on my skull, maybe? Sit on my ribs? Well, go on, Daddy.
Do me.
Kelvin, I feel awful about this.
Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that.
Poor you.
I can't even take a pee without Keefe holding my dong, or I'll spray it all over my face.
And you feel awful? You know what kills me? Everyone sees me as a joke.
I'm the baby of the family, the youth pastor who peaked at 12.
I work my butt off so you don't see me as that.
And how do you respond? You broke my thumbs.
Turned me into a laughingstock.
You know, I was a different person before I met your mama.
She changed me.
Sometimes I feel like I'm turning into that person again.
I will never forgive myself for hurting you.
Well, that makes two of us.
I'm so sorry for everything, son.
You should go.
They'll be back soon.
[SOMBER MUSIC.]
- Son? - Leave before the men return! His name was Harmon.
Did something happen to him? Same thing that happened to Lionel.
Baby Billy peaced out, refused to be a daddy to him.
My mama and daddy paid for all his school, bought his shoes, all that mess.
Baby Billy didn't see Harmon no more.
Baby Billy's not that kind of man.
[LAUGHS.]
Of course he is.
All these dudes around here are fucked up.
[DOOR CLICKS OPEN AND SHUT.]
Your daddy He shook my hand.
[LAUGHS.]
[ENGINES REVVING.]
Welcome to the pain! [CROWD CHEERING, MUSIC BLARING.]
Got any blow? Ow-ow-ow! Yeah! [GROANS.]
[TENSE MUSIC.]
Dick's out, playboy.
I'm aware.
I take my dick out when I pee, Jesse.
Why you watching me? Not watching you, hunting you.
Oh, son of a bitch.
[LAUGHS.]
What is this, a joke? Does this look like a joke? It'll blast a fucking hole in you, make you dead if I pull this trigger.
You want to come after families? You want to try to fucking kill my family? How 'bout I kill your fucking family? Grandparents, kids, special needs.
Chop their fucking heads off.
Okay, Chad.
Shh.
I'm doing the threats, okay? Rape 'em.
The fuck are you talking about, Matthew? - We're not raping people.
- Not the women.
Not the wom We don't rape women.
No, guys! Okay, enough.
I'm the fucking spokesman of the threats, okay? No one's being raped tonight! And if anybody was to be raped tonight, it'd be you.
We'd all take our dicks and jam them so deep into your asshole and show you how we handle sickos.
You got some balls on you, boy.
Remind me of your daddy when he was a young man.
Yeah? I do got balls.
Big balls.
You want to know what else I got? Stones.
Levi.
Release.
[GLASS SHATTERS.]
What in the fuck? Come for my family one more time, and I will end you.
Everything we talked about here tonight will happen.
You dead, family dead.
Head chop-offs, rapes, all of it! Who the fuck do you think you are? I'm Jesse Gemstone, son of Eli, grandson of Roy, father of Gideon, Abraham, and Pontius, and quite possibly the last motherfucker you see on this planet if you don't leave my family alone.
Release! Ah, ah! Oh! Oh, ah, ah! Ah, ah.
[TRIUMPHANT MUSIC.]
Have I made myself clear this evening? You got it, Jesse.
Psh.
Yeah, you're goddamn right, I've got it.
Psh.
Forget that this ever happened.
But don't forget about the stuff I said would happen if you don't If you do this stuff to my family again, motherfucker.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
Go! Go, go.
Run.
Run.
Go, go.
Na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na Na, na, na, na, na, na-na, na Na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na Na, na, na, na, na, na-na, na-na Sing that sweet, sweet song of salvation And let your laughter fill the air Sing that sweet, sweet song of salvation And tell the people everywhere Sing that sweet, sweet song of salvation To every man and every nation Sing that sweet, sweet song of salvation And let the people know That Jesus cares Sing that sweet, sweet song Calling, just - Calling - Calling Me Me Faraway places With strange-sounding names Far away over [ENGINES REVVING.]
[TIRES SCREECHING.]
Faraway places With strange-sounding names Are calling Calling me [DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
[GUNFIRE.]
[ENGINES REVVING.]
[HORN BLARING.]
[LIGHT CLICKING.]
[BRIGHT TONE.]
[RAPID GUNFIRE.]
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC.]
[ENGINES REVVING.]
Motherfucker.
[TIRES SQUEALING.]
[GUNSHOTS.]
Shit! [GUNSHOTS.]
Run, motherfuckers! Run! Look, I'm just wondering, what'd y'all do to cause it? Did y'all flip somebody off on the road? Did Amber stand up in her car seat and press her ass against the window and flash her bleached butthole? Oh, my God.
Judy, we were attacked.
We were targeted for assassination.
- [LAUGHS.]
- Don't jump to conclusions.
Thank you.
Seriously, I'm sorry.
Y'all aren't important enough to be assassinated.
Sheriff, what's your take on this? Oh, maybe it was teenagers up to no good, botched robbery.
- Botched robbery.
- Teenagers? Fuck off.
They were assassins, okay? I seriously doubt they were pros.
Why would you seriously doubt that? Mainly because they didn't even manage to wound anybody.
Damn, Brenda.
[LAUGHS.]
Where the fuck do our tax dollars even go towards? Hey! Baby, don't be kicking chairs.
No, it's fine.
It's fine.
He's been through a traumatic experience.
Probably feels powerless.
I get it.
I'm powerless too, Daddy.
Daddy, I can't be confined to my house all day with Aunt Tiffany living there.
Judy, not now.
No, Daddy, why Why do I have to be the one to shelter this woman? When she cleans up, Daddy, she does it with vinegar.
My whole house smells like asshole.
Enough of this selfishness! Aunt Tiffany is family.
She has been abandoned.
The poor girl is pregnant and has nowhere else to go.
Christ, Judy, are you incapable of caring about anybody but yourself? Damn, Daddy, that was really mean.
BJ? You just gonna sit there mute? [TENSE MUSIC.]
What the hell are we doing in there, Daddy? Huh? Putting on a little show for the sheriff? Come on, we know what the deal is.
Your little running buddy from Memphis tried to kill us.
Maybe.
But I want you, your family, your siblings to stay put on the compound till I deal with it.
I don't want you getting involved.
Well, the Cycle Ninjas came for me, so I am involved.
Cycle Ninjas? Yeah.
That's what I'm calling 'em.
You think this is a fucking movie or something.
Oh, come on, Daddy.
When you broke Kelvin's thumbs, I saw a side of you I knew was in there this whole time.
You talk to him? He don't call me none.
You live down the street from him.
Well, we ain't friends like we were when we were kids.
What do you want me to say? Kelvin grew up a nerd.
This damn family has everything in the world, but you can't just all get along with one another.
So says the man that broke his son's thumbs, all right? Let's not throw sticks and stones, Daddy.
I been feeling outlaw blood coursing through these veins since I could piss standing up.
I know I get that from you.
Let's handle this shit together.
Don't get involved.
I'm not gonna tell you again.
[OMINOUS MUSIC.]
Look at me, a grotesque reflection of what I once was.
Healing takes time.
I'm too hurt to get dressed, Keefe.
I shall remain hidden like the beast I've become.
Hey.
Dressing for the day, it soothes the soul.
[SIGHS.]
[DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
Now step into your Tommy Johns.
[GRUNTS.]
[GROANS.]
Ah.
Nice.
Ah.
Boop.
[UNINTELLIGIBLE YELLING.]
The men think I'm bullshit now.
No.
Not all of 'em.
Just Torsten, Jericho, Cody, Sky, William, and a few others.
Seems they moved into the house.
Inside? D Keefe, no! Well, last night, I-I tried to call curfew, but they would not retire to their yurts.
And then William started snickering, and Sky and Jericho did middle fings.
And I cannot confirm as of yet, but I believe they've been letting Titus out of his cage at night.
Our empire is crumbling.
Hey.
You have got to show them how strong you still are physically and mentally.
Prove to them that your will is not broken, even though your thumbs are.
Baby William Freeman.
No, he's not a baby.
He's a slender, silver-haired man in his late 60s.
Okay.
Thank you.
[SIGHS.]
How many hospitals you call? Every one within 200 miles.
What if he had a stroke and he's walking far and yonder all confused, not even knowing his own name? Why would his phone be cut off? Dead battery? Maybe he lost it.
You really think that's more likely than him just leaving you? With Lionel on the way? Baby Billy would never.
Could it be he's still out looking for Funyuns and when he comes back, he'll have his whole car full of 'em? No.
[SCOFFS.]
No, dear.
That could never be.
You poor dumb hill person.
That's really what you imagine in your mind right now? That is so sad and tragic.
I just I can't I can't even with this.
[SOMBER MUSIC.]
[SNIFFLES.]
Niece, tell me he's not dead.
[SOBBING.]
So the bad guys got away? No! They didn't get away.
Amber shot one of 'em.
Amber, you did? [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
Oh.
Yeah, girl.
Come through, Amber! Yes! - Good job, Amber.
- Thank you.
Heck, even Waylon was impressed.
It's like when David slew Goliath.
Amber, the crack shot.
[IMITATES GUNFIRE.]
- Pew.
- [LAUGHS.]
Pew.
- Pew.
- You know, except for it's not like that at all, because David slew Goliath with a sling.
Amber maybe shot a motorcycle man with a semiautomatic handgun.
So I ma-wait, I maybe shot him? I he went down.
But it is open for debate of who did that.
I mean, we both were going pretty nuts.
- You got to admit that.
- No one's questioning that.
- No.
Shouldn't be.
- But - Shouldn't be questioning that.
- It was me who tagged that scumbag from 50 yards.
[LAUGHTER.]
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
Girl power! That's sexist.
Popped his ass.
Look, I ain't trying to take nothing away.
All I'm saying is, if we're all gonna be talking about this one particular part of the assault, let's get the facts straight.
There was question.
- There was no question.
- Well, there was to me, okay? I witnessed my own things as well.
- We are so lucky to be alive.
- We are.
'Cause I shot that man.
We love you, Amber! Go off, queen! - [ALL CHANTING.]
Amber, Amber, Amber - Uh, shh.
All right.
Amber, Amber, Amber, Amber! - [LAUGHS.]
- Okay, guys.
This isn't a pep rally.
Knock it off.
Let's not lose sight of why we're here, and that's that most of you have fucked your marriages up, okay? Don't make this about my wife doing stuff better than me, okay? Focus on you and the things you've done to ruin your own lives.
Psh.
Ooh, man.
The way Amber was, uh, making a big joke about how you didn't shoot any of those guys had my blood boiling for you, Jesse.
Reminded me of all the times Mandy used to do that kind of shit to me.
Okay, Chet, I know you're trying to help, all right, but I'd really appreciate if you would just knock the fucking chime-ins off, all right? I don't know what the hell you're talking about.
Jess, I want you to know that I'm here for you in spirit during these troubling times, even though I'm not allowed to socialize with you.
Yeah.
Same here, Jesse.
I got nothing going on.
Hey, why don't we grab some Some craft beers, sink some suds? Why don't you sink your own suds? How could you possibly expect me to drink craft beers when there's fucking killers on the loose? Talking about beers in front of Levi's mom.
Really? [TENSE MUSIC.]
[LAUGHTER.]
Whole church sucking my wife's dick.
I know that you guys have been worried about me.
But worry not.
Even if my hands are weak, the spiritual power that is running through me is as strong as ever.
And the God Squad will be fully prepped for all the missions that lay ahead.
But first, my zero-guilt, low-cal strawberry shortcake Bahama bro smoothies! Just a little sweet treat to let the God Squad know that not only are we surviving.
We are thriving.
There's no reason to question.
These yummy smoothies prove it.
Let's huddle up, have a quick prayer about it.
Everybody grab a hand.
Ow! Keefe, not me, obviously.
I have a broken hand.
That'd be silly.
Okay, bro, I got to ask.
How are you supposed to do any missions with those thumbs? I mean, can you even lift a smoothie? Yeah, I'm pretty sure I can grab a cup.
See, you just You got to get on the side of it.
Got it.
And I'm holding a cup.
[LAUGHTER.]
Oh, is that funny? Is that a ha-ha, Sky? No, I was just remembering the time you got beat up by your dad.
[RAUCOUS LAUGHTER.]
[IMITATES EXPLOSION.]
Stop, okay? No.
Sky.
Begone.
I have had enough.
Wrong! We've had enough! I challenge you, Kelvin Gemstone.
ALL: Ooh.
Torsten, what's going on? You are my gentle giant.
This group is about strength.
I'm the strongest.
I should be leader.
Okay.
You challenge me? Then you must bear the cross! Fuck it! Let's do it! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
- Let's go! - Go, Torsten! Smoothies were a bad idea, Keefe.
[INTENSE MUSIC.]
[NO AUDIBLE DIALOGUE.]
[GRUNTS.]
[GRUNTING.]
[ROARS.]
[YELLS.]
He got it up.
[ALL CHEERING.]
[YELLS.]
Now it's your turn.
Okay.
Brother Kelvin is injured.
So in the spirit of fairness, I will act as his second.
If I lift it, our leader he shall remain.
Reset the cross! [ALL CHEERING.]
You don't have to okay.
[STRAINING.]
[PANTING.]
[GRUNTING.]
[LAUGHTER.]
Get it off him! Get it off him! I'm sorry I failed you.
Do you concede? No.
No! Clean your underwears out of the master.
Torsten stays there now.
Yes! Torsten.
You know, I'm not trying to bring stuff up, but I really do think it could've been me who shot that Cycle Ninja.
Good job, Dad.
Word.
Oh, please.
Mom shot him.
Dad's the one who butchered all his shots.
What the fuck did you just say? Dad can't shoot worth a shit.
I'll shoot you.
Go to your room right now.
Go to bed.
Both of you.
Movie night's over with.
Your brother just ruined the movies for everybody.
You little sassy ass! Everybody's saying that.
I feel like there's a goddamn narrative being established, and I don't like it.
Like I didn't do enough to protect you or something.
Baby.
I don't think that.
I love that your instinct was to just get out there and start shooting.
You didn't hit any of 'em, but your instincts were right.
And if you were a better shot, you would have hit every single one of 'em before I even got out of the bus.
Aw, you're just saying that to make me feel better.
I was worthless.
Now Daddy's got me handcuffed.
I can't lead the church.
I can't even protect my own fucking family.
I don't know why we're waiting for your daddy's permission.
It's his fault this happened anyway.
I don't even know why he gets a say.
If you want to protect your family, baby, just do it.
Send a fucking message.
[TENSE MUSIC.]
Sir, I want to apologize for throwing cake at the baptism.
For what it's worth, I was trying to hit my sister, KJ, in the face, but I missed.
Maybe next time, don't throw cake.
It just seems like the only way to be heard in this family is to go to battle.
I-I mean, look at you.
You broke your own son's thumbs.
BJ, are you here to lecture me? Dr.
Gemstone, I respect you enough to tell you the truth.
You may think I'm out of line, but this family is dysfunctional.
Judy wants your approval first and foremost.
Judy could tell me that herself.
Daddy, it's just that Nope.
We're not doing that.
Fair enough.
I-I pushed it.
Dr.
Gemstone, it's just that Judy tends to hold things in until she can't anymore.
And I think sometimes, by the time she lets it out, it's been soaking in pain and anger for so long that it lands a little weird.
Or too loud or too mean.
It all just comes from hurt, though.
Seems like maybe a Gemstone trait.
Thank you for this man-to-man.
I hope we can have more man-to-mans in the future.
[GRUNTS.]
Okay.
I'll see my own way out.
BJ.
Wait.
Thanks for stopping by.
[TENDER MUSIC.]
I've summoned y'all here today to this secret location meetup for our own prayer group, the Second Chance Men.
We can get in a lot of trouble for doing this, Jess.
We're only supposed to meet with the wives.
Yeah.
This better be good.
Look, we talk a lot about second chances, about the concessions one must make to redeem and restore faith.
But I'm interested in talking about something else tonight.
Here.
Take one and pass 'em around.
Inside that box are exact scientific replicas of the sling David used to slay Goliath.
Check 'em out.
See how light and insignificant it seems.
Yet with God's will, it can take down a giant.
Pop him right in his fucking head and kill him.
Who here believes that protecting families is important? Levi, you don't have a family, but when you get one, you'll understand.
- I understand.
- No, but I'm saying, once you get one, you're gonna understand more, okay? Look, let's not argue.
I need some fellas I can trust to help handle some business regarding my family down in Memphis.
Tennessee? Yeah, Gregory.
Is there another fucking Memphis? Well, actually, there is.
There's this little ancient city in Egypt All right, well, we're not going to ancient Egypt, you motherfucker.
I need some dudes to go fuck some people up, to go beat the shit out of some guys.
You want a second chance? How 'bout a second chance at being a man? ALL: Yeah! I said how 'bout a second chance at being a fucking man? ALL: Yeah! Uh, Jesse, should we bring the slings? Yes, Matthew.
Hence the reason I'm fucking passing 'em out.
That's right, feel that ancient masculine energy streaming through those bodies.
Ancient killing power.
[INTENSE MUSIC.]
[DRAMATIC PERCUSSIVE MUSIC.]
[BIRD SQUAWKING.]
- Good evening, Dr.
Gemstone.
- [GASPS.]
Oh, it's raining.
Thank you for the acknowledgement.
Night-night.
[ETHEREAL MUSIC.]
Mind if we talk? Are you gonna break my toes now too? Stomp on my skull, maybe? Sit on my ribs? Well, go on, Daddy.
Do me.
Kelvin, I feel awful about this.
Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that.
Poor you.
I can't even take a pee without Keefe holding my dong, or I'll spray it all over my face.
And you feel awful? You know what kills me? Everyone sees me as a joke.
I'm the baby of the family, the youth pastor who peaked at 12.
I work my butt off so you don't see me as that.
And how do you respond? You broke my thumbs.
Turned me into a laughingstock.
You know, I was a different person before I met your mama.
She changed me.
Sometimes I feel like I'm turning into that person again.
I will never forgive myself for hurting you.
Well, that makes two of us.
I'm so sorry for everything, son.
You should go.
They'll be back soon.
[SOMBER MUSIC.]
- Son? - Leave before the men return! His name was Harmon.
Did something happen to him? Same thing that happened to Lionel.
Baby Billy peaced out, refused to be a daddy to him.
My mama and daddy paid for all his school, bought his shoes, all that mess.
Baby Billy didn't see Harmon no more.
Baby Billy's not that kind of man.
[LAUGHS.]
Of course he is.
All these dudes around here are fucked up.
[DOOR CLICKS OPEN AND SHUT.]
Your daddy He shook my hand.
[LAUGHS.]
[ENGINES REVVING.]
Welcome to the pain! [CROWD CHEERING, MUSIC BLARING.]
Got any blow? Ow-ow-ow! Yeah! [GROANS.]
[TENSE MUSIC.]
Dick's out, playboy.
I'm aware.
I take my dick out when I pee, Jesse.
Why you watching me? Not watching you, hunting you.
Oh, son of a bitch.
[LAUGHS.]
What is this, a joke? Does this look like a joke? It'll blast a fucking hole in you, make you dead if I pull this trigger.
You want to come after families? You want to try to fucking kill my family? How 'bout I kill your fucking family? Grandparents, kids, special needs.
Chop their fucking heads off.
Okay, Chad.
Shh.
I'm doing the threats, okay? Rape 'em.
The fuck are you talking about, Matthew? - We're not raping people.
- Not the women.
Not the wom We don't rape women.
No, guys! Okay, enough.
I'm the fucking spokesman of the threats, okay? No one's being raped tonight! And if anybody was to be raped tonight, it'd be you.
We'd all take our dicks and jam them so deep into your asshole and show you how we handle sickos.
You got some balls on you, boy.
Remind me of your daddy when he was a young man.
Yeah? I do got balls.
Big balls.
You want to know what else I got? Stones.
Levi.
Release.
[GLASS SHATTERS.]
What in the fuck? Come for my family one more time, and I will end you.
Everything we talked about here tonight will happen.
You dead, family dead.
Head chop-offs, rapes, all of it! Who the fuck do you think you are? I'm Jesse Gemstone, son of Eli, grandson of Roy, father of Gideon, Abraham, and Pontius, and quite possibly the last motherfucker you see on this planet if you don't leave my family alone.
Release! Ah, ah! Oh! Oh, ah, ah! Ah, ah.
[TRIUMPHANT MUSIC.]
Have I made myself clear this evening? You got it, Jesse.
Psh.
Yeah, you're goddamn right, I've got it.
Psh.
Forget that this ever happened.
But don't forget about the stuff I said would happen if you don't If you do this stuff to my family again, motherfucker.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
Go! Go, go.
Run.
Run.
Go, go.
Na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na Na, na, na, na, na, na-na, na Na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na Na, na, na, na, na, na-na, na-na Sing that sweet, sweet song of salvation And let your laughter fill the air Sing that sweet, sweet song of salvation And tell the people everywhere Sing that sweet, sweet song of salvation To every man and every nation Sing that sweet, sweet song of salvation And let the people know That Jesus cares Sing that sweet, sweet song Calling, just - Calling - Calling Me Me Faraway places With strange-sounding names Far away over [ENGINES REVVING.]
[TIRES SCREECHING.]
Faraway places With strange-sounding names Are calling Calling me [DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
[GUNFIRE.]
[ENGINES REVVING.]
[HORN BLARING.]
[LIGHT CLICKING.]