The Sex Lives of College Girls (2021) s02e06 Episode Script

Guys, I'm freaking out.
Dan O'Connell is performing at Essex
and I just found out I get to be
his official student liaison.
Wait, Dan O'Connell, the stand-up?
He's so funny.
Yeah. I love his late night show.
He's adorable.
He's so cute in his little suits.
You guys know who he is?
Yeah. He's, like, cool and famous.
I guess I'm just not used to you guys
knowing anything about pop culture.
It's like living with three of my grandma.
I know things. Who told you guys that
Al Roker and Lenny Kravitz were cousins?
Yeah. My fashion TikTok
was very well received
until I forgot my password
and I couldn't log back in.
So, what exactly does
a student liaison do?
It sounds like a super exciting title.
It is. I get to pick him up
from the airport,
drive him back to campus,
and make sure he has his favorite
turkey jerky in the green room.
I'm the luckiest girl in the world.
So you're basically
his free assistant for two days?
Yeah. I mean, if I can get
this guy to think I'm funny,
I could leverage it into the holy grail
for aspiring comedy writers,
being an unpaid intern
on his late night show.
That doesn't sound that good.
No, it is. Unpaid internships have been
launching nepo babies and rich kids
into successful careers for decades.
- Is that Jackson?
- Hey!
"Just checking in on you."
Oh, my God. He's obsessed.
I have never once checked in on anyone.
Okay, so first he calls you hot
at the KJ party, and then he, like,
nurses you back to health
Jane Austen style. Y'all are gonna bone.
I don't know. Ever since Jackson
took care of me after my procedure,
things between us
have been, like, clinical.
Oh, you got med-zoned?
What's that?
Med-zoned. You know,
he saw you looking weak and pitiful
- and now that is how he sees you.
- Dude.
Sorry, not pitiful,
just unsexual, sickly, like Tiny Tim.
I'm Tiny Tim?
Wait, I think it's hot
to take care of a sick guy.
Totally. Women think
it's hot to take care of men.
Men don't think
it's hot to take care of women.
Lance Armstrong, Sheryl Crow,
it's all right there.
As a reminder, I'm not sick.
If Jackson was into you once,
he can be into you again.
The whole med-zoned thing, it's not real.
- Kimberly.
- Hey!
Hey, I found these in the bathroom.
I think they're yours.
Oh, no, those are not mine.
It says they're leak-proof,
post-operative pads for heavy flow.
No, my flow is pretty dainty.
It has your name written
on the package. Kimberly Finkle.
Cool. I'll just take those and you
can stop reading things on the package.
Man, were you sick.
I will never forget
how gray your face was.
- Yeah.
- All right. Anyways, bye.
I take it back, delete his number.
You two are done.
In this lab, you will try to determine
whether yeast are capable of metabolizing
fructose, sucrose, glucose and lactose.
We will be breaking up in groups of three,
so please find your name on the wall
for your assigned groups.
Come on.
Damn, dude.
That wasn't even under your breath.
- Where's Bela?
- Bela is not gonna make it to class
or lab today.
She has some comedy thing.
Mmm. I don't really like funny things.
Yeah, I can see that.
Well, I'm psyched
about this yeast experiment,
which is not a sentence
I ever thought I'd say.
Look, I'll handle this lab assignment
myself and get you all an A.
I'd rather do the whole thing alone
than risk you or Bela messing it up.
I don't need you
doing the assignment for me.
I've been paying attention
and prepping for the lab, too.
I'm gonna do a good job.
Oh.
Maybe I do like comedy.
I'm just gonna do it.
But if you really wanna be involved,
you can design
the cover page for our report.
Maybe find some cute clip art?
Willow!
Hey, friend. It is so good to see you.
Hi.
You're Whitney's roommate, right?
Kimberly, is it?
Kimberly? You think I'm Kimberly?
I'd slap you,
but I need something from you.
Hey, y'all go ahead without me.
- What's up?
- So you're a sophomore, right?
And you know all the hot girls on campus?
I am the keeper of that information. Yes.
I had a run-in
with this girl the other day
and I've never seen her before.
So I was wondering
if you could tell me who she is
and I did take a picture.
Oh, my God. This is some stalker shit.
Don't be dramatic. It's not stalking
if the stalker
is just as hot as the victim.
Shouldn't have said victim,
but could you just zoom in
and see if you recognize her?
Oh, I do know her. Her name is Tatum.
She's a junior on the tennis team.
Yes. I knew I would figure it out.
That girl looks exactly like you.
Oh, are you in the twincest phase
of coming out?
Twincest?
Like I'm interested in Tatum
because she reminds me of me? No.
Okay. That's gross.
Lies. That's what I told myself
when I dated Jazmin.
- Yeah, that's weird.
- Yes, it is. But it's not not hot.
Do you think you know Tatum
well enough to introduce me?
Do you want that enough
that you, like, buy me a jacket?
- Are you serious?
- I am.
I'm being friendly
but I consider this transactional.
Fine. Yes. If you help me,
I will buy you a jacket.
Okay. Deal. Now, I know this may be
a silly question to ask a white person,
but do you own a tennis racket?
Wilson or Babolat? I have both.
We just need one.
Well, you're probably wondering
why I called this staff meeting.
This is one of the hardest things
I've ever had to say.
Oh, no. Did someone die?
In a way, yes.
This is officially my last day at Sips.
- I have been let go.
- Let go?
Oh, no. They found some
weird shit on your computer, huh?
I knew it. Oh, my God,
we're going to be on Dateline.
No, it's nothing like that.
The administration said,
and I quote, "A student could do my job."
Can you believe that?
- No.
- What?
- That's crazy.
- It has been the honor of my life
to oversee this place for 30 years.
Thirty years? How old is this man?
And we're gonna be starting
a little Venmo fund for a goodbye gift.
Just a little something
to say thank you, Roger.
So we, your employees,
are going to be giving you,
our boss, money?
- That is correct. I have no savings.
- Oh.
Well, I think I can speak
for all of us when I say,
words cannot espresso what you bean to us.
- Oh, my God.
- Christ.
Everything I brew, I brew it for you.
Whatever you do next,
I hope it will mocha you very happy.
Puns about coffee.
That's my favorite.
It's why you guys
are my best friends. Come here.
I'm getting a little nervous
about meeting Dan.
Should I say "hi" or "hello"
when I first see him?
- Which word is funnier?
- Just try to be normal.
I mean, I know you're
incapable of doing that.
The good news is
it's an hour-long trip back to campus
for some uninterrupted one on one,
so I'll have him trapped.
Do not use those words with him.
I mapped out a route
that takes us by a Taco Bell
because I came up
with a joke about Taco Bell.
It adds 23 minutes to the trip,
but I think it's worth it.
Bela, you sound insane.
You just need to be yourself
and I'm sure this guy
will think you're great and funny.
Thank you. I needed to hear that.
Shit, he's here. Okay. I got to go. Bye.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Hello. I'm Bela Malhotra,
your student liaison.
It's an honor to meet you
and have the opportunity
to pick that brilliant brain of yours.
Okay. I'll take care of your bag.
- Oh, are you sure?
- Yeah. I go to the gym.
You sure you wouldn't be
more comfortable up front?
- I don't mind.
- That's great.
Okay, great. I'll pull over.
Maybe at a Taco Bell that's coming up?
You know, the funny thing about
Hey, sorry, I was talking
to my agent. Sorry.
Yeah. Uh-huh. Look, listen,
I know that it's a Super Bowl ad,
but mayonnaise just seems kind of gross.
- Hey, Bela.
- Yeah?
It's a little chilly back here.
Yeah, I guess the question is,
how much mayo would I have to eat?
I got you, boo. A cappuccino
and a white chocolate biscotti.
And you drew Shakespeare in the foam.
You're one of a kind, Lila.
Isn't she great?
- Yeah.
- She's definitely a big presence here.
Enjoy it, Professor Dobson,
and try not to fall asleep
on the table again.
How could I, with a drink like this?
Lila, I have sort of a crazy idea.
That we should get new uniforms
now the management is changing? Agreed.
Because this maroon polo
is not emphasizing my assets.
No, Lila, I think you would be
a really good manager of Sips.
You should apply for the job.
You think I want Roger's job?
You would make so much money
and you'd be the boss.
What makes you think I'd have any interest
in climbing the corporate ladder
of some little coffee shop?
You're just personable and caring.
It's just an idea.
Yeah, a bad one. I'm going on a break.
Wait. How am I always
the only one working?
Then she completely flew off the handle.
I don't get what I said wrong.
Telling somebody that they should do a job
that you wouldn't want to do yourself?
It's like telling someone
their mom is hot.
No one wants to hear it.
- Yours really is, though.
- For the last time, stop.
Yeah. My day's been pretty bad, too.
This Bio bro in Professor Harpin's class
keeps icing me out of our lab assignment.
I'm sure he'll get us an A,
but still, it's infuriating.
Not to be anti-feminist,
but I don't see the problem.
I would die for somebody
to do my boring science homework.
Okay. Believe it or not,
I genuinely like this class.
We're determining the respiration rate
of yeast using different sugars.
Who are you and what
have you done with Whitney?
Okay, don't diss me
for liking science, math nerd.
Math is objectively cooler
than Biochem. Ask anyone.
Calculated variables are the shit.
- You wish.
- Wait. Are you nerds?
And am I the cool roommate now?
No!
Oh, shit.
You good? You're eating
your food like you're mad at it.
I just got a text from Dan.
He has a zit. Duty calls.
How did it go in the car?
Did he agree to read your stuff?
The moment didn't feel right
so I haven't asked him yet.
I didn't want to bug him
and come off like a try-hard.
Why not? That's like one
of your defining qualities.
It's okay. I have a plan.
First I'll show him I'm about nothing
and don't respect myself,
and then he'll hire me to keep doing that.
Again, that doesn't sound like a good job.
Okay.
Yeah! That is match point! In your face!
I know we agreed that I would lose to you,
but you don't have to be
so annoying about it.
It needs to be impressive.
Do you think she saw?
Damn it. Tatum hasn't
looked over here once.
I wonder if it's my backhand form.
I think is that she doesn't know
or care who you are.
She is so indifferent.
It is so fucking hot.
Okay, they're taking a water break.
This is our chance. Come on. Be cool.
- Can I still peel my orange?
- Shh! No.
Hey, what's up, Kate?
What are guys up to tonight?
Anything good?
I might go to that Dan O'Connell show.
My roommate helped organize it,
so I kind of have an in.
Do you think you might go?
It's Tatum, right?
Yeah. No, I'm not really
into campus-sponsored events.
But that should be fun for, like, Gen Pop.
Oh, agree. Agreed.
I hate campus-sponsored events.
Oh, my God. I was only going
so I can, like, make fun of it.
Just own it if that's what you're into.
All right, come on. Let's get back to it.
That was humiliating.
Not only did she reject me,
but she condemned my personhood.
I'm really sorry. It happens to everyone.
No. Not young, beautiful, blonde women
who have gone to the Met Gala.
You're losing me.
Take my credit card. Buy your jacket.
Like, right now?
It's your lucky day.
I brought fancy donuts, coffee,
and my big ol' brain
to help us destroy this lab.
First of all, I hate this kind of donut.
I don't need, like,
a slice of bacon on my donut.
And, secondly, why are you here?
I told you not to come.
Well, I don't just do
what you tell me to, bro.
Look, I know your mom
is a senator or whatever,
so I've been trying to be respectful.
This is your respectful?
But this class is important to me.
I want to go to med school
and be a doctor.
I'm not some rich soccer jock party girl
whose mom will bankroll
the rest of my life.
You don't know me at all.
I've been working my ass off in this class
and I understand this lab.
Shit. Fuck.
Well, I'll hand it to you,
you did destroy this lab.
Kimberly, wait up.
Oh, hey.
It's a latte. I drew Elena Kagan
on it because I know you'd like her,
but then I tripped
on the way coming over here,
so now she looks like Chris Farley.
I'm sorry if suggesting
the manager jobs at Sips was insulting.
I just thought about who
I would want to be my boss
and it would obviously be you.
Girl, I overreacted.
Honestly, I think I'd be good at it, too.
But the idea of interviewing for it,
it scares me.
I've never been good at interviews.
You're not good at interviewing?
I don't believe that.
You can be so charming
when you're not angry or hungry.
Thank you, bitch. I agree.
I'm charming as shit. It's an aura.
But for some reason,
when people
with authority ask me questions,
I get so nervous.
But everyone gets nervous.
It shouldn't stop you
from going after the job if you want it.
You know what? Let's do a mock interview.
We can practice and that way
you won't be nervous on the day.
Okay. But I have never done role playing
outside of a sexual context.
I believe in you.
- Okay.
- Yeah.
Let's do this.
Again, sorry you were cold.
They're gonna make sure
the temperature is exactly at 75.
Thank you. Yes. It's just
the cold is, like, hurting my bones.
Hey, I just want to say
you've been such an inspiration to me.
I've been trying to play it cool
but I'm a huge comedy nerd,
and I hope to do cool stuff
like you one day.
That's really sweet to hear.
- You know, I was like you in college.
- Really?
Conan O'Brien did a show
at UPenn when I was there,
and I was so nervous to meet him
that my hand was dripping with sweat.
Well, that's me right now,
but it's my armpits.
Shouldn't have worn wool.
Hey, if you like comedy,
I actually have a question
you can be helpful with.
- Oh, my God. Yes.
- Yeah. So, can you tell me, like,
any details about what's
going on at Essex these days?
Okay. Let me think.
Yeah.
A sophomore got trampled
in the crowd at Fajita Night.
A bunch of students are suing the school
for being scalded by the showers.
Okay. Well, maybe not those.
The girls' softball team
got suspended for doing MDMA.
Really? High female athletes
tripping balls instead of throwing them.
That's perfect.
Thank you.
Hey, I love your show
and would kill to be
considered for an internship.
It would mean the world to me
and I would do such a good job.
You know what? Send me your resume.
I'm always setting up new projects
and we're always looking for free labor.
Oh, my God. Thank you.
Of course.
It's time to go on.
Okay, great. Thank you.
- Here we go.
- Have a good show.
Yes!
Please welcome to the stage,
Dan O'Connell.
Hello! My goodness.
Holy cow.
Hello, Essex College!
Oh, God! A little amped up, are we?
Yeah, well, have we been
partying with the girls' softball team?
That's what I thought.
A student named Bela
helped me with that one.
Thank you, Bela.
So, who's single?
Okay,
so I'll play the interviewer.
Thank you so much
for applying for the job.
What made you interested in it?
Easy, the money and the power, bitch.
That might be too honest.
And I don't think you
should call the interviewer "bitch."
My authenticity is my greatest gift.
Let's start over.
How are your customer relations?
So good. And I'm not above
giving a butt-squeeze to a good tipper.
That is problematic and, I think, illegal.
Can you take this seriously?
Kimberly, this is impossible.
I can't be this polite,
professional little Miss Perfect.
You don't have to be perfect.
You just have to show them the real Lila.
Not the tough, outrageous Lila
who doesn't care what people think,
the one who does care.
I don't think I can do this.
Yes, you can.
Now, again, why do you, Lila Flores,
wanna be the manager of Sips?
I started working at Sips
because I needed the money.
But then, I actually starting liking it.
I like scheduling.
I like making oat milk lattes
and seeing how happy it makes people.
Sips is my community.
And I want the chance to be
the leader of my community.
That was so great.
- It was?
- Yes.
Yes, honey! I'm gonna
breathe and body this thing!
And just remember
the most important thing I told you.
I know. Wear a bra. I got this.
And he used my joke!
Well, not my joke exactly,
but my observation,
which he turned
into a funny topical shout-out,
which is like quarter of a joke, I think.
And he agreed to consider you
for an internship? That's amazing!
I know, right? But right now
I need to hurry up and get him a beer.
He specified that he wanted it ice cold.
Yeah, cool. I got it.
Can I get a beer, please?
- Let's go! I'm dying to meet him.
Nice to meet you guys.
One icy cold beer,
I heard you weirdly like them like that.
- Thanks, man.
- Dan, this is Eric.
I'm a huge fan.
And I'm the editor-in-chief
of the Catullan.
The Catullan? No shit!
Like, half my writing staff
is from the Catullan.
You run the whole thing?
Look, that's only a big deal
to, like, two dozen people in the world.
So I'm really glad you're one of them.
You know what? People said
late night variety shows were dead,
but you're, like, making them cool again.
Thanks, man.
You know, it is so much work,
so it really means a lot.
You know, you guys should really work
on your writers' submission
packets for the show.
- Writers' packet?
- Yeah.
Hypothetically, what do you like
to see in a typical writers' packet?
Well, ideally, it would be
50 monologue jokes,
three pages of segment ideas,
a handful of sketches,
some hard-hitting desk pieces,
and nothing I've ever seen before.
I'm gonna be real with you, Dan.
I don't have any of that stuff,
but I'm gonna work really hard tonight
and make sure you get it for tomorrow.
Dan, I actually have a packet
that meets that criteria
and I would love to have it be considered.
Yeah, sure.
You know, hey, give me your phone.
Yeah, come on.
I'm gonna put in my info in it.
I like your attitude.
- There you go.
- Thanks.
Well, if you excuse me,
I'm gonna find a bathroom
in this frat house
and I really hope
a drunk guy hugs me at the urinal.
All right, have fun.
- What the hell was that?
- What?
You know how important this was to me.
I've been Dan's slave for two days now.
I had to get him a Zyrtec
at 2:00 a.m. last night
because Vermont makes him sneezy.
Bela, in case you forgot,
being a comedy writer is also my dream.
Yeah, but I clearly had dibs on him.
Dibs? Are you serious?
This is my future, too.
That doesn't change
just because we're dating.
I'm gonna do whatever it takes,
just like you.
Great. So instead
of being here until 2:00 a.m,
we'll be here until morning.
And now I'm stress-eating
your crappy donuts. Are you happy?
Wait, you made a mistake.
By not tricking you into thinking
the lab was in a different building?
Yeah, that was a mistake.
No, in the lab.
I'm looking at your work,
and your penmanship is horrible,
by the way,
but your math is off.
We're measuring the rate
of CO2 as the yeast respires.
Yeast can metabolize sugar in two ways,
but you didn't account
for aerobic and anaerobic.
I probably just made an error
because you were distracting me.
You did this before I got here.
You did what?
I made a mistake.
I guess it's a good thing I came,
otherwise you'd have ended up
doing the entire thing wrong.
You should be grateful
I spilled on your papers.
Okay, you did one thing right,
let's not get carried away.
But thank you for catching that.
Oh, my God, it's Tatum.
Do not look, okay? I had a super
embarrassing run-in with her earlier.
Wait, that girl?
Earlier I talked to her
for like 20 minutes thinking it was you.
Leighton, you should go say hi.
I can't. It was brutal. All right?
My only move now is to avoid her
at all costs until I graduate.
Sometimes you build things up in your head
Oh, my God, she hates us.
I didn't know it was possible
to bully someone with just your eyes.
Sorry.
- Hey.
- Oh, hi.
How was the comedy show?
You know what? It was great.
There was nothing cool about it,
but I fucking loved it.
It was fun to be around
other excited Gen Pop,
all enjoying something together.
Wow, okay.
So you can be as judgmental
as you want, but I promise you, babe,
there is no way you're
as judgmental as me.
Oh, really?
Yeah, like, you know, I used to have
those exact same Prada boots
until I realized that they were way
too many seasons old to keep in my closet.
Damn! Okay. I've never been
Prada shamed before.
Here. Put your number in my phone.
917. Cool.
I'm from New York, too.
I just texted you.
New York, huh?
Brave thing to say
when you're a 516 number.
Long Island. How sad.
Oh, my God, that's Jackson.
Wait, that's Jackson?
He looks like Thor's stand-in.
Yeah, I know. But it doesn't matter.
He saw me at my lowest point
and now that's all he associates me with.
- Yeah, I get it.
You need to practice what you preach.
I thought no one would ever see me
as manager material, but you did.
And just because no one would ever see you
in a million, billion years pulling that
luscious Midwestern corn-fed motherfucker
does not mean that
he might not be into it.
Go get him.
Hey, champ! How you feeling today?
While I appreciate your concern, I'm good.
Like, 100% healed.
Not fragile, not Tiny Tim, I'm good.
It's almost as if it never happened.
So you don't have to ask me
how I am anymore.
I'm ready for anything.
Is that so?
Are you looking at my arms?
No, I mean, I thought you had a stain
on your shirt, but you don't.
It's okay. I don't mind.
So I'm gonna head out.
Yeah, sounds good. Good night.
Good night.
I'm officially serving corporate realness!
I got the job!
- Oh, my God!
- Hey. Congratulations.
I'm so happy the interview went well!
I still blurted out a few awkward
and highly inappropriate things,
but I got the earnest shit out first,
so they ate it up!
Should we honor your achievement
And playing a little pong at the KJ house?
Are you out of your minds?
Cutting out early to dick around
on the company's dime?
Not on my watch. Get back to work!
We're just trying to celebrate you!
I work for the man now, bitches.
And I found out I get a big ol' bonus
if I keep profits up.
Oh, I'm gonna like this.
I can't believe I miss Roger.
How's your packet going?
I've never seen you pull
an all-nighter before. I'm impressed.
And it was way easier
to sleep without all your snoring.
I don't know how to do
any of this shit. It's so annoying.
The only reason Eric even knows is
because of years of patriarchal access
to the old boys' network.
Oh, my God, it is way too early
for all this angry feminist shit.
I'll never gonna have
this submission in before Eric,
and his is gonna be so much better.
Hey. He's got nothing on you. Okay?
You make me laugh every single day,
even when you don't mean to.
- You're funny as hell.
- Thank you.
I'm sure that you've
already impressed Dan.
You've just got to take every
opportunity to make him remember you.
Hey! Whoa.
Oh, thank you.
You know, no one should look
that good this early in the morning.
That's why I look like shit.
I have the car downstairs,
ready to take you to the airport.
Great. I'll get my luggage.