The Upshaws (2021) s02e06 Episode Script

1
[funky instrumental music playing]
I cannot believe Davis'
hot link-looking-ass is still suing us.
And he got that TV lawyer
with him, Murray & Murray.
You do know
that's the name of the firm, right?
Oh, yeah?
And this is your fault.
I told you to leave it alone
and you didn't.
No. It's your fault.
You know I don't listen to you.
You are wearing me down.
That actually made sense to me.
- [exhales]
- Look at him with that fake-ass leg brace.
When I fell off that Jetway,
you didn't see me strolling around
the airport taking selfies with the pilot.
I was laid up.
So that's the only way you get laid?
Really? Now?
No. I'm sorry. I'm just mad.
That ain't right.
Well, the judicial system
don't care about what's right.
A man sued Red Bull
'cause he didn't get wings and won.
[inaudible]
Face it. The shop's in trouble.
Oh, shit. Murray & Murray!
"No need to worry, Murray & Murray
will get you paid in a hurry-hurry."
- You know, I wrote that myself.
- [chuckles] Oh.
I don't think you remember me,
but you bankrupted my cousin.
Mind if we take a selfie?
Hey, man. Tony, get your groupie ass
over here. You watch too much TV.
So, this is where the accident occurred.
Uh, alleged accident.
Get it right, TV boy.
Wait. Now you're saying he didn't slip.
No, hey. He slipped his ass off, okay?
And we didn't buy no shop
with no Davis-shaped crack in the floor.
You owe me a floor, Davis.
- I'm sick of you always clowning me.
- I'm tired of you.
- You kicked my car, man.
- Man. Mr. T-lookin' ass.
Listen. We just want the facts.
[snap fingers] Get a shot of that floor.
- Well, this is open and shut.
- [camera clicking]
You'll be contacted
with an arbitration date. Gotta go.
Mmm.
I need to get off this ankle.
Hey, Tony. Lunch?
Sizzler's got a two-for-one.
Oh, man. You might choke
on a crouton and try to sue me.
I don't want anyone 'rupting my bank.
Man, forget you. Where's Duck?
He's at his prison reunion.
I think it was a bad idea to have it
in an escape room, but I don't judge.
Beat it. Don't make me repeat it.
- So, that's how it is?
- Yeah.
Fine.
So, that's it.
Whoo! We off the hook.
I hate that we're in this together.
- Gimme a hug.
- Get the
[vocalizing]
Solid as a rock ♪
[vocalizing]
Solid ♪
Don't nobody say nothing.
Hell, can I scream?
I just need coffee and a fork.
[inhales, satisfied sighs]
Mmm.
- Mmm.
- What? I broke my comb.
Well, tuck all that in.
I ain't trying to cough up no hairball.
Take your arm
and cover up the bowl like this.
No. My mama do hair in the house.
I'm practically a cat.
Y'all ain't right.
Clearly I am having a crisis.
My interview for the hospital
scholarship program is in two days, okay?
If they don't pay for grad school,
then all this is for nothing.
Just go get your hair done.
[sarcastically] For real, Bennie?
I hadn't thought of that.
Gwenetta's trifling ass canceled on me.
Like it's my fault that her house
fell into a damn sinkhole.
Ooh. We got name-brand cereal.
Pops took the toy.
My house, my toy.
Will somebody feed me, please?
My fingers are still jacked
from taking out Mom's braids.
You should have thought of that, my dear,
before you left your sister
and Sydney home alone.
Now, this is the list
that I've been working off of.
Knock all of these out
and you could be off punishment.
You can't tell,
but I'm giving you a thumbs up.
[knocking at door]
Hell no. Ain't nobody
gonna catch me like this.
[knocking at door]
Bennie Upshaw.
I'mma need Kelvin in the car and a word.
There's Kelvin, and the word is "goodbye."
Listen
Um
Why did you miss
Kelvin's basketball game, huh?
You promised him that you'd be there.
- Yeah, and I wanted to be there.
- Uh-huh.
- And we talked about it.
- Mm-hmm.
He cool.
I told him I got stuck in the air duct.
- He bought that shit?
- Well, it's true.
I still got dust on my chin.
This ain't grey.
Look, I don't care what Kelvin told you.
You let him down.
Me and Noah could barely cheer him up.
- Wait a minute. You and who?
- Yeah.
- Noah?
- Noah.
He came. You didn't.
He even brought
one of those D-Fence signs.
The one with the D and the fence.
It was so cute. Oh!
He need to kill that little sign,
'cause I won't be missing
no more games with my son.
Well, good. You bet not. Goodbye.
So you couldn't have warned me
that she was stopping by, huh?
And tell her to use the front door.
All right? She ain't family.
She gone. I handled it.
- [knock at door]
- Oh, yeah. Mm-hmm. Sure you did.
[Bennie muttering]
Tasha.
Miss Badu.
Look, my hair-apist code
could not let me leave you like this.
I mean [scoffs]
No strand left behind.
So, um, take my card.
Okay. Um, do what you want.
But please do something.
Hey!
Baby, can I have my uniform
so I can go back to work?
[funky instrumental music playing]
[vacuum cleaner whirring]
And done.
What's next?
"Wash the walls"?
Hell no!
They look clean enough.
I'm getting on Instagram.
Oh, man. Steph's at Wetzel's Pretzels.
So unfair.
No, it' ain't. You did me dirty.
Now you gotta clean.
Dang. For a 7-year-old,
that was pretty good.
Aunt Lucretia helped me
make a snapback list.
She helped me make one when I was
getting picked on in the third grade.
I almost got suspended.
[door opens]
Hey.
Wash my car, jailbird.
You did Maya dirty. Now you got to clean.
- I already used that one, Auntie.
- [Lucretia] Oh.
Okay, don't say that one.
I'm gonna use it later.
Where's your mama?
[Regina yells] Lord, why?
Never mind. I got her.
This better be worth dragging me here
like I ain't got shit else to do.
Damn!
Regina. If you under there, tap the table.
That's not funny.
Wait a minute.
Is my hair just that crazy,
or does your hair look extra good?
Both. Gwenetta squeezed me
in this morning.
Cost me a grip
to get her to bump somebody.
You bumped me.
I didn't know it was you!
She told me her house fell in a sinkhole.
Oh, Regina, wouldn't that be on the news?
I called every stylist in town.
I can't even get a white lady.
Nobody will see me today!
You doin' my hair.
Oh, this is great. Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
Going into a room full of white folks
looking like Angela Davis.
- [mirror slams]
- Hell no.
I could make it work.
Just don't let anyone see the back.
The iron got a little too hot back there.
You said you were making popcorn!
[crying] I am never going to grad school.
I've done all I can.
You know what you gotta do.
[instrumental music playing]
Oh, damn.
How did it get worse?
Uh, get inside before my neighbors think
the crackheads are back.
[funky instrumental music playing]
I hope we're playing for some real cash.
I've been strapped
ever since my porn shop burned down.
They ever figure out who
Uh, I mean, what started it?
Probably some uptight church folk.
Mm-hmm.
We need to let him win a few hands.
He's closing in.
Ho, ho, ho! Ha ha!
Y'all better be careful,
'cause I'm feeling hot.
Gonna take all your money.
Hey, what are you doing here,
Not-So-Tiny Tim?
Man, what? We ain't playing poker?
Playing, playing, playing, not.
Look. Y'all need a fourth.
I know we got some shit going on.
I'm trying to be the bigger man.
Everywhere you go, you the bigger man.
[cell phone vibrating]
Oh, shit. My boy Do Dirty can't play.
Turns out we're outside the range
of his ankle monitor.
Mmm. Well, well, well.
No, no, no.
Hey, but you can't play poker
without a fourth guy.
All right.
Hands up, receipt book out.
Your fourth dude just walked in.
You wanna play some poker, Lucretia?
Uh, you don't wanna play with her.
You don't even like Lucretia.
But, man, but we hate you.
"Hate" is a strong word,
but if the lawsuit means a pay cut,
I'll embrace it.
I've been judging you since
you brought your mama to my porn shop.
How else she gonna get there?
She got night blindness.
You know, for someone with a bum leg,
you sure do an awful lot of driving.
- It's my left leg. I drive with my right.
- Mmm.
Convenient.
Beat it, Davis.
Y'all serious right now?
As a lawsuit. Bye.
So, how does this work?
Do y'all have a cheat sheet
on what the different cards do?
Mm-mmm. No need.
We'll let you know what's what.
[chuckles] I came on a good day.
- $20 buy-in.
- $50.
Right. Right. $50.
Oh, shoot.
Y'all have change for a hundred?
[funky instrumental music playing]
Oh, Tasha! Girl, you did that.
[excited scream] Thank you, Shanice!
- Oh, it is super cute.
- Hey!
I am about to go out here
and take somebody's man.
Ooh. I know that's right!
Take that, take that.
[laughing]
Get it, girl. [laughing]
[inhales deeply] Oh, she crazy.
[laughs and gasps]
Yeah, she real crazy.
[clears throat]
"Upshaw".
[tapping nails]
What the hell is wrong with you?
You see me.
What? I like to keep my shit professional.
Okay. So, would you like some water?
[sighs] Not thirsty.
- Are you hungry?
- Brought my own.
[inaudible]
So, if you want to try
something kind of fun,
I got a whole bag of burgundy hair.
- Like things the way they are.
- Oh.
It's your hair. I'm just saying if you
wanna try to switch things up.
No, you have switched things up
enough in my life, thank you.
[sighs]
You know, you have had a stank attitude
ever since you walked through my door.
Oh, believe me, I didn't wanna be
walking through your door today.
You don't have to be here. You called me.
[chuckles] We don't need to talk.
No problem.
Let me get you out of here real quick.
Thank you.
[chuckling]
Girl, I'm just playing.
Girl, I'm not laughing.
[sighs]
[funky instrumental music playing]
Hey! What you doing?
I'm out with my friends, we're in the car,
and we're across state lines.
What does it look like I'm doing, dummy?
You don't have to be mean.
I was gonna offer to help you.
Oh.
That's what's up.
Well, when you finish this basket,
this pile goes in Mom's closet
and those go in Dad's corner.
I meant together. Like, we hang out.
Oh.
All right.
Well, I already started this pile.
So, it's mine. You can start another one.
So, what's the tea?
I got nothing.
Well, I heard Mom's making
pork chops for dinner.
[gasps] Wow, keep folding while I process.
Oh, that's nothing. I got lots of dirt.
Maya, what the hell?
That took me, like, forever.
It was an accident.
Leave me alone. It's your fault
I have to do this in the first place.
If you hadn't called Aunt Lucretia,
no one would have known I left you.
- I needed coffee!
- You're seven.
That's why I didn't know how to make it.
I'm not doing this with you.
You never do anything with me anymore.
'Cause you're a baby.
If you don't wanna be around me,
then I don't wanna be around you.
That's literally what I'm asking for.
[clicks tongue]
[Maya] Wait.
You really don't want to be around me?
[sighs]
[funky instrumental music playing]
What's it called when
you have three nines and two tens?
Stop playing. You know it's a full house.
Oh. Well, I have four kings.
You a lucky-ass leprechaun!
Just for that, you'll be coming in
at the top of the morning, me laddie.
[scoffs] Top of the morning?
All I got to do is beat Bennie here.
I don't have to leave my house till noon.
[both laughing]
[fake laughing]
I'll slap the shit out of you, Tony.
Damn, bro. Where'd that come from?
Someone woke up and chose violence today.
If I was you, I would've woke up
and chose to be in that shop
when it caught on fire. [laughing]
What? Lucretia ain't the only one
who got jokes.
Yeah, but she ain't mean.
There's a lightness to her.
I am a treasure.
Somebody should bury you.
Alive.
[laughing]
What? Laugh. It's a joke. What's going on?
Another soldier down.
I'll take another one, boss.
As long as they're still free.
Well, they gotta be free. I broke you.
[laughing]
Oh, God. I love her.
You gonna be out of a job.
You gotta go. Uh-uh. Let's go. Wrap it up.
Not while there's still
a dime left in your pocket.
No, I'm sick of you all up in my life.
You do it in my house.
You come between me and Regina.
- You got something to say.
- No, you treat Regina like shit.
I make her stand up for herself.
Well, we saying the same thing.
- Now you turning my boys against me.
- I'm fun. Sue me.
Your so-called boy already is.
Naw, we ain't gonna talk about
that ungrateful bastard right now.
I'm pretty sure we are.
You ain't mad about no poker game.
All this displaced anger.
Oh, now you wanna come
between me and my anger?
Your problem isn't with me.
Your problem is that Davis is suing you
because you're an asshole and you know it.
The man fell, Lucretia.
The man fell on the ground.
He's not suing you because he fell.
He's suing you because you hurt his pride.
Davis don't have nothing
to be proud of, Lucretia.
- See? That. That right there.
- No! I'm just telling the truth.
No That. That's it. Your friend fell
and all you did was clown him.
The jokes keep coming.
[laughing] What am I supposed to do?
And all your little jokes
is gonna cost us the shop.
And I'm not going to let that happen.
So you need to man up,
get out your little feelings
and go be a real friend and end this.
- [Bennie] Uh-huh.
- [clicks tongue] Make me sick.
[funky instrumental music playing]
Okay, Mama. Enjoy your soak.
Can't believe she took
my lavender bath bomb.
She knew damn well I was saving that.
[knocking at door]
Lucretia?
You are taking a chance coming to the door
without your leg brace on.
Oh, it's itchy.
[scoffs] Let me close this
in case they're watching.
Who's watching?
Look, if Bennie sent you
No. No one knows I'm here.
I came for you.
You should know my mama's upstairs.
She'll hear a gun go off.
You're too jumpy.
Can we talk limp-to-limp?
I know after my fall, I was miserable.
Oh, I'm hanging in there.
No, no, no. Mama said those chairs
are just for looking.
Well, I gotta tell you,
you are a tougher man than me.
My lawsuit was hell.
And I had to do all that rehab.
Oh, no. Mama called the pastor
to lay hands on me. I'll just heal.
That's not good enough for the lawyers.
They gonna make you
jump through all kinds of hoops.
Doctor visits, physical therapy
four times a week,
surgeries.
- Surgery.
- Oh, yeah.
Law says they got to cut you.
I mean, if you want the big money.
But first they gonna make you lose weight.
I hope you like broth.
Your mama can make broth right?
I do most of the cooking around here.
Well, I'm sure
your friends will drop some off.
Well, I mean,
not the guys
at the shop, obviously. [scoffs]
Them days are over.
Bennie and I have gotten into it before.
He'll get over it.
You'll meet some new friends at rehab.
You know what? Worry about that
once the lawyers finally
let you leave the house.
But this is a cool spot to be trapped in.
You can just splash
your broth all over this.
Do I smell lavender?
Yeah.
You know what?
Look at me running off at the mouth.
You wanna probably plan all the fun stuff
you gonna do with your money.
Oh, Mama's got some ideas.
Oh, well, make sure Mama don't forget
about Uncle Sam's cut, though.
[scoffs] Them taxes are a bitch.
Ooh.
I took home way less
than I thought I would've.
Almost wasn't even worth it.
God bless.
God bless.
[funky instrumental music playing]
- Are you sitting on something?
- [sarcastically] I am sitting on a lot.
Okay. If you don't stop shading me
in my own house
Tired of you treating me
like I'm less than you.
I treat you like
the side chick that you are.
Okay.
Okay, you need to slow your roll,
Miss 16 and Pregnant.
How many times do I have to tell you,
I did not know that Bennie was married.
Yeah, but you've known
for quite some time,
and yet, you act like
you still don't know.
Always popping up
in his face asking for shit.
Like he got shit to give.
- I'm asking for Kelvin.
- Ah, mm-mmm.
Kelvin can't drive, and Bennie stole
my money to buy your ass a car.
Oh. A car? [scoffs]
Okay, girl, let's clear things up.
Okay, you talking about
that piece of shit?
Now, I don't know about no stolen money,
but you can have the car.
I leave the keys right there on the hood
hoping somebody will steal it!
- That's what he gave you?
- Mm-hmm.
Even you deserve better than that.
Look.
I work crazy hours, okay?
Putting food on the table, trying
to take care of my son by myself.
And then Bennie
finally decides to step up.
And, yes, I know I know
that a lot of that is 'cause of you.
But damn, girl, why all the drama?
It's like, I come, you go.
I sit, you stand. What are we doing?
Oh, I know what I'm doing.
I'm waiting for a damn, "I'm sorry."
Apologize to you for what?
Sleeping with some guy who didn't tell me
he was married? Getting pregnant?
Keeping the kid?
Asking the daddy to act like a daddy?
Like [scoffs]
Where did I go wrong?
You gonna have to draw me a map,
because I am so lost.
Just do my hair.
Please.
[sighs] With pleasure.
[funky instrumental music playing]
This is so not worth being popular.
Who am I kidding?
It's definitely worth it.
"Just got back from the gym.
#Holdingitdown"
"Look at me. I'm Aaliyah!"
What the hell are you doing in my clothes?
"'Gram, 'Gram, 'Gram!
I hope Steph likes my 'Gram."
I'm not playing with you, Maya.
"I don't have time for Maya.
All I care about is Steph Greene."
"Hey, Siri, tell Steph Greene
that I love being in her butt."
- [cell phone beeps]
- [Siri] Message sent.
- Uh-oh! The phone did it!
- I hate you!
- I can't believe you just did that!
- I can't believe I missed.
Well, I won't.
Hey! What the hell is going on in here?
- Maya threw a bowl at me!
- Aaliyah threw one first!
I don't know what y'all are arguing about
and I don't care.
You're both on punishment!
Y'all wanna fight with each other?
You're gonna do chores with each other.
Cool!
- Your hair looks real
- Don't even try it!
You know I don't allow yelling
when I've just got my braids done.
[funky instrumental music playing]
Boop.
- [Bennie sighs]
- Damn!
You just took my last dollar.
Somebody punch me
so I can tell my girl I got mugged.
[laughs]
Hey, I cleaned you out,
but I filled you up. You're welcome.
Truth be told, this is the first
real food I've had since the fire.
Edible underwear isn't the same
when you're not eating it off somebody.
Good luck to you, man.
[muttering] Look at this
I know. Y'all don't want to see me,
but I got something to say.
Well, say it outside, man.
- I'm dropping the suit.
- Say it again?
Look, I really wasn't
trying to hurt you guys.
Well, shit. I can't lose
my friends over money.
Your mama cool with that?
I'm a grown-ass man.
I make my own decisions.
You didn't tell her yet, did you?
Because I decided not to.
But I called the lawyer.
It's done. So, we good?
[scoffs] Nah.
We ain't good, man. You tried to sue me.
Get your ass out of here.
- Come on. He's trying to make it right.
- I make fun of Tony, we good.
I sent Duck to prison, we cool.
I owe Larry five Gs, we all right.
How much?
And I bag on this piece of shit
a couple times
and he tried to ruin my life.
I'm not going to forget about that.
He sued me too.
But Davis is a friend.
You should get over it.
Yeah. You should stop telling me
how to feel about shit.
I mean, it is what it is, man.
I don't need any of this drama.
I'm gonna head back to the shelter.
Lucretia, can you spot me another five?
I gave you a five?
You're still with me, right?
Oh, totally.
Wanna grab some dinner?
I would, but, um
I, uh
I just started fasting.
[theme music playing]