The Venture Bros (2003) s02e06 Episode Script

1 You're kidding me! Take that! Hank, are you even close to finished? Dad! Dean, you smell like a whore.
What's that? Not again! - Brock! - What? - You said to put on your best outfit.
- Outfit, Hank.
- Not costume.
- What the f? I guess you can't come.
- Right? Hank can't come? - Nice try, Dean.
I'm giving you three minutes to get changed or you walk and I let Dean drive the Charger.
- What did you do, shave with a hatchet? - I used the razor with the pink handle.
That's my daisy! I use that one for my head.
- I thought God shaved your head.
- He does! But he leaves the sides, Mr.
Wisenheimer.
I have been attempting to stave off this awkward, yet necessary conversation.
- Please, dad.
- This is my duty! What is funny about my duty? You know I take my duty quite seriously.
You said - Never mind.
- I share your nervousness.
But there are certain facts that a father must impart to his daughter on occasions such as this Yes, "doody".
Clever.
- Dad - Hear me out! When young women reach oestrus the lingam craves the stamen-like skills of the yoni.
- This is quite natural.
- Dad, come on.
I'm doing you a favor.
Yes, Mr.
Venture has been kind enough to give me some leeway with the rent if I get the boys, as he says, "out of his hair" for the evening.
But as you know, tonight I teach conjuring at the new school.
It's not a problem.
Kim and I could use a free dinner.
It's just that boys at their age have unchecked desires coursing nay, raging, as a tempest would, through their tingling nethers! Come on, dad! I'm going on a date with the Venture Brothers! Rembrandt van Rijn.
150 years ago, Delacroix said of Rembrandt that his works would be held higher than those of Raphael.
His blasphemous prophecy came true within 50 years.
And this one could be yours for the pittance of 10 million.
American.
- No, I want the Mona Lisa.
- Look.
The Mona Lisa's not a better painting, merely more famous.
And it was made more famous because it was stolen.
- And this was stolen, so - What about her famous smile? Whatever.
She looks like a horse! It's tiny, you know, the thing is like, this big.
- Really? - Yes, really.
So this is cheaper.
By the By the foot.
My queen has arrived.
And bearing wine shandies.
My own variation on tinto de verano.
Just a little what-not I picked up in Costa de la Lu - What is this crap? - It's a Rembrandt, how dare you? I know it's a Rembrandt.
This is arch-villainy to you! It's a stolen Rembrandt.
That's nefarious.
That's That's kind of evil.
No? When I met you, you wouldn't even bother with guys like that.
Not everybody has a trust fund like your insect ex-boyfriend.
If you think I'll go back to a diet of Rammen Noodles and Spaghetti-Os driving around in a Honda Accord with a ghost on the hood, sorry.
I have plans.
- What are you doing? - I'm wringing my hands menacingly.
Well, nobody can see that! You're a bookkeeper.
Nothing more than an accountant in spandex, and you don't even know it! You want evil! You want the old stuff? Fine! Happy? - F great, I think I killed him.
- No, I'm not happy.
- All of this is ludicrous! - Great! He's bleeding from his wounds.
- Way to over-react! - I'll need some seltzer.
- What are you thinking? - This carpet is Persian! Irreplaceable! What with there not being a Persia anymore.
Forget it! I'm gonna go change.
We've those stupid dinner plans with The Monarch at eight.
That seltzer isn't going to get itself! 24! Ready The Monarch Mobile! Your leader has a date.
We kind of don't have a Monarch Mobile anymore.
- Why not? - We ditched it! The heat was on us, after that Venture brother thing, so we thought - All right, fine.
What are our options? - We can take my Nissan Stanza.
- Shotgun call, totally! - What color is it? Is it diabolical? Or at least butterfly colored? - It's powder blue.
Mostly.
- Great.
- 21, what do you drive? - His powder blue Stanza.
I'm finished with work for today.
No, I wanted the boys away because I made a discovery of the Bond scientific kind.
- What did you find? Are you OK? - I'm more than OK.
While perusing TV guide, I found a little, shall I say, flick starring a one Miss Dolly Parton.
Yeah, it seems she made a racy film called The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas! Yeah, Doc, you're gonna be disappointed there Don't ruin it for me! I have popcorn popping and the VCR set for stun.
- You wanna watch it with me? - No, I'm cool, I I gotta drive the boys to dinner.
I get it! Yeah, this kind of films are meant to be watched solo, mono.
Yeah, that's it.
So, are they cute? Well, Dean, he's kinda cute.
He dresses like Buddy Holly.
- That's cool.
- But I think he does it accidentally.
- What about my date? - Hank? Yeah.
Well He's blond, and more, like, athletic.
- Sounds good.
How does he dress? - Like Fred from Scooby Doo.
Well, put in my mix tape, it's right on the dash.
It says, "Chillin' with my peeps, and my main man The Monarch.
" We have to stop and pick up my date.
I thought Dr.
Girlfriend was gonna be there! Yes, with that dick, Phantom Limb! I plan to use the never-failed strategy of jealousy! - Who's your date? - I met her on the Live Journal.
Which I kept in prison.
I have been blogging.
After posting an especially attractive picture of my prison-sculpted abs she commented that I was not only "lean" I was "teh sex", whatever that means.
Any advice? You know, this being our first big date and all? Yeah.
- No? - No.
Don't pull out her chair, kiss her hand, or anything like that, it's kind of dorky.
Just be yourself.
Wait! Here, take this.
It's got plenty of money, and it doesn't have a cartoon bee on it.
Don't let them pay for anything, and if you end up going to, like, a movie you call me on the two-way, OK? What about me? Any advice to help me score with my mystery date? Yeah, don't say "score" or anything close to "mystery date" in front of her.
And don't do that "Do you like seafood?" joke either.
Can do! Gosh, she would totally know that joke already.
You're awfully quiet.
What? Stop that! And then you go, "My brother can jump over, like, ten garbage cans!" And then I'll say something cool, like "If I can keep the front wheel from bursting into flames.
" OK? And don't forget to call me "the Hankanator.
" I'll do no such They're here! Dude, sit down! We have to play it cool.
Observe how I scope out my mystery date whilst I pretend to look at my watch.
Holy moly, look at my date! She's a Supervillain! Possibly a Medusa.
Dean, I am not kidding.
She has rope for hair and a shiny costume! Not fair, she's wearing goggles! Told you she would dig my Batman suit, but no! Go sit somewhere! Watch my back and pretend you don't know me.
We're dressed like butterflies, it's gonna be kinda difficult.
Jollyrancher82, never get henchmen.
You know, that's not my real name.
Well, how was I supposed to know? I used my real name.
I just thought, you know, "The Monarch," I thought you were into cos play.
Real name.
And I am into costume business, not costume play.
Sh! They're here! Fawn over me! Treat me as if I am candy! She's gorgeous! She is heat incarnate.
When I met her she looked like that girl Saffron from the band Republica.
She had those red streaky things in her hair.
- I heard she was kind of manly.
- That's ridiculous! Who would say such things? The woman is a delicate flower.
That dude she's with? That's Phantom Limb.
When he was at college, he was a scrawny little wuss.
In a desperate attempt to be cooler than guys like me he had his 12-year old roommate create a machine that speeds up muscle-building.
The machine worked so well that every molecule in his extremities was accelerated beyond the speed of light! There were two side effects.
One, he can mess up a guy just by touching him.
And two, he became a humorless dick! - How do you think he floats like that? - He's not floating, his legs are invisible.
- What? - Yeah.
Used to be a good guy actually.
When he and Billy, that weird midget won a bunch of money at Card Sharks, invented a time machine.
He became a villain, and the story is that the time machine was, like, broken or something.
So Phantom Limbs' arms and legs and Billy's hand were sent 40 years into the future.
- I loved Card Sharks! - Great show.
- That guy's, like, just a torso.
- Yeah! That's Phantom Limb.
I don't think he professionally hates my dad, but he totally hates my dad.
I think he used to be a famous magician.
And one time, while performing for the Queen of England he accidentally made his arms and legs disappear.
They're now on the moon, with a whole bunch of rabbits and doves and playing cards and pretty assistants and some milk.
- Never happened.
- Did! I also heard that he sliced off a kid's hand.
And ate it! Yeah.
It was that bigheaded guy that operated on your balls, Dean.
Hank, don't you have to go to the bathroom? What are you, psychic? I totally do! Weird! Well ladies seems that young Dean here needs an escort to the bathroom.
If there's any trouble, you just give Hank here a holler.
Now this one allows the holder to watch three separate scientists.
Headquarters insurance, with the exception of bog or volcano hideouts full henchmen coverage, and a nice little mutiny clause.
Whatever! Just give me the one that lets me take down Venture! We like to keep our dreams small, don't we? Fine, another 38 with henchmen.
Look who's talking! The Great Phantom Limb! The most deadly villain of all time, my ass! You're in granny glasses, selling me insurance! - Keep it down, please.
- I'll have you know I could take the entire Venture family out with one phone call! Sure you could! That family's indestructible! - I dare you! - Fine! I need an immediate blackout.
Four, and a robot.
Syndicate number, Victor.
Echo.
November.
Seven-Niner.
Roger, dispatching Blackout Team now.
- What are you doing? - I hate that song.
Niner, nice touch.
Within the hour the entire Venture family will be dead.
Come on! Not again! I need you in the panic room, The compound is on full lock-down.
I am this close to seeing Dolly's goods! I mean, they can't sing forever! Honestly, this nonsense happens once a week, I'm not gonna - Why are you naked? - To prey on their fear.
Move like an animal to feel the kill.
Right, now you're scaring me.
What's going on? I don't know.
But judging from these goggles, it's the Guild.
Seems like you made it to the big league, what did you do? Nothing, I was just sitting here watching the worst porno ever.
Is that a head? Don't be a nervous nellie.
The generators'll kick in in There you go.
This is different, Brock.
Isn't it? We might not win this one.
You get to the panic room! OK.
Just let me finish peeing on myself.
H.
E.
L.
P.
eR.
, institute tactical and defensive weaponry.
Escort the doctor to the panic room! Well, isn't this wonderful? My favorite part is when you decided to kill the Venture family.
No, wait! It was when your fake date ran off crying! - Come on, Monarch, how old was she? - Will you look at me? I'm in a f butterfly costume.
What age group do you think is attracted to me? Super.
Well, if you gentlemen will excuse me I'm going to powder my nose, or whatever the cliché is.
Nice one! Look what you did! Yeah.
I did that.
Strange, you almost can't feel it.
No, don't move.
The knife is still in you, the blade right between the kidney and the spleen.
- Just a twitch - It feels almost cold.
You tell me your target, and I slide the knife out.
You might live, or Blackout.
Four and a robot.
Good boy.
I think you may have got the kidney.
I don't wanna die alone.
- Don't go.
- I don't think I hit your kidney.
No, no, you totally did.
Please, hold me.
I'm pretty sure I missed the kidney.
You could bleed to death in, like, four hours, but I see a tunnel.
I'm scared.
- Could you stroke my hair? - Look, you are not gonna Can you sing to me? Could you sing a Technotronic song? - Maybe Pump up the Jam? - I don't know What about Move This? Do you know that one? Baby let me All signed.
Guess I'm back in the Guild.
Not that it matters, with you believing you destroyed the Venture Family.
Do you love her? Don't do this crap.
This is way too high school for me.
It's embarrassing.
I'm not letting her go.
So for your sake, I hope you do.
I hope you don't.
H.
E.
L.
P.
eR.
, I need you to get the boys! H.
E.
L.
P.
eR.
, the boys are in danger! What the? H.
E.
L.
P.
eR.
! Damn it! Doc! Doc! Stay in the panic room! I have to protect the boys, Doc! Don't move! I'll be back.
Totally ruined! Special thanks to you, Hankanator! - She'll never talk to me again! - You can't hide in here all night.
You have to get back on that horse.
You gotta grab her and go "Triana, I'm gonna kiss you.
- Hank "I'm gonna kiss you on the mouth, and you're gonna love" - Hank! - What?! - You have a stain.
- What? Come on! Why does that happened? I shook it so hard I almost hit that pink puck.
- Well, did you dab? - What? - Dab! Did you dab? - No.
- I dab.
- I don't.
- You should dab.
- Stop saying dab! - Brock, please, Brock! - Doc, I'm going for the boys.
- They're a target.
- Brock? Brock? - Doc, you OK? - Emphatically no, Brock.
- Can't see you, what's going on? - I'm on the V-com.
I made it to the panic room.
H.
E.
L.
P.
eR.
kept them off at first, but man, those guys were persistent! Most of my blood is on the floor and the only thing keeping me alive is our lack of storage.
If you don't come save me, I'm going to fire you, Brock.
You gotta try to hold on, Doc.
I'll be back soon! Brock, you're fired.
Steak fries.
Always soggy.
F - this! Well, maybe you could put more water on it.
Then it'll look like you accidentally splashed it washing your hands.
Or like I completely hauled off and whizzed all over myself.
- I'll get it.
Hi, Brock.
- Dean, are you safe? Where are you? - Yeah, we're fine.
We're in the bathroom.
- Date's over, I'm coming to get you.
You heard? I swear, I didn't kiss her hand or anything.
- But Hank - Enter ingenuity, Deano! You've gotta try this.
It feels too good! It feels like somebody with a fever is yelling at my pants! - This rules! - OK.
Brock, this place is crawling with guys who hate dad.
That figures.
- Stay in the bathroom! Don't move! - Alright! Where did everybody go? - When did that happen? - It beats me.
The Monarch is probably waiting in the car, he's gonna kill us for dawdling.
- Pay the bill, I gotta use the can.
- I'm not gonna stay here alone.
I look like an idiot! You just ate dinner with a guy dressed exactly like you.
At least I look like a popular idiot.
We need one of these at home! It's better than sitting sideways on a swing! You have got to try this! OK? You know, like, in the pool? - What are they doing here? - How do I know? - Gotta tell the boss.
- I'm not going out there.
Dude, get outta here, I gotta take a Count Dooku.
I swear My pants are on fire! Dean! Dean! My pants are on fire! Don't! Dude, stop wailing on my junk! Throw water on it! No way! That's what started this! Well, then take it easy.
Just dab, dab it! Can't believe it's hard to kill these two.
Don't talk to me, if I push any harder I'm gonna pop a gasket! Pretend you're alone.
- Wait.
You hear Phantom Limb? - Blackout target Victor, Echo, November, Seven-Niner is in daddy's lap.
Repeat, in daddy's lap.
Call off Blackout Team.
Daddy is going to put the boys to bed himself.
Yes, I'm going to kill them.
It's a very simple metaphor.
Copy, big daddy.
Quick, just play something.
How many Yazz albums do you have on here? Control to Blackout Team, stand down.
Daddy is going to put the boys to bed himself.
Can I ask you a question? Yes, I belong in here, I just have a deep voice.
- OK, can I ask you another one? - Sure.
- What color lipstick is that? - Pink poodle.
It's a matt color.
They give a Guild discount.
You're in the Guild, right? - I don't know what the Guild means.
- Tell me about it! I don't know anymore myself.
So, do you work single, number two a man? - I don't really have a guy.
- Well, let me give you my card.
I like your look.
Now, I've had it up to here with men and I think we might make a nice team.
Call me.
Did you see that? That woman just totally hit on me.
She wasn't hitting on you, read the card.
Oh, my God! I knew it! She's a Supervillain, that is so cool.
She thought I was a bad guy.
I am so gonna do this.
Naked.
- Holy crap! - Whatever it is, we didn't do it.
I believe you.
Stay here, don't do anything.
- Do you understand? - Yes, sir.
Yes, I understand, sir.
Well, on the up side, I finally dropped one.
Yeah, me too.
Hello, Brock.
I was wondering when you'd show up.
I had nothing to do with this.
Phantom Nimrod was showing off in front of my girlfriend.
I told him - Alright, stay out of this one.
- No, duh? He's in the next stall.
- He has that dickweed boss of yours.
- Don't push it.
Nice ass, Samson.
Brock Samson, the Venture mule.
Do you always hang out naked in the men's bathroom? Why did you do it? Why do men like us do anything? Because we can.
Wrong answer! How would you like your neck to match your arms? You take me out and the Guild of Calamitous Intent will rain down on you en masse.
Every woman you've loved, every mouth you've kissed every hand you've shaken will fall dead to the ground.
I'm aware of that.
So let me give you a warning.
If you ever stick your goons on the Venture family my family, I will Yes, of course.
Scary, scary.
It won't happen again.
Funny, what we men are capable of when we fear our women leaving us.
Being a man, it's so much easier to kill than to love.
I'm sorry.
Thank you.
We're not so different, you and I.
Yeah, I don't need another "we're not so different" speech, I get those a lot.
Yes, I'm sure you do.
Then shall we just shake hands and leave as enemies? For a minute there I thought you were going to do your killer hand thing.
So did I.
What happened in there? - You wouldn't believe me if I told you.
- You wanna get dessert? - I do! - I'm gonna be a Supervillain! Yeah, I'm gonna be Batman.
Go Team Venture! Dude, I warned you.
I think I just found my first arch-enemies.
Oh yeah, it's a musical.
You never get to see anything! Here it is new, Dr.
Venture.
Don't lift anything for a while or your arm might fall off.
- Really? - No, I'm joking, but don't lift anything, cause it could fall off.
- Thanks, Billy.
What are you doing? - Nothing.
The hand gets kinda buggy when I use it for delicate work, it's fine now.
- How did you get that thing? - Excellent question, I've no idea.
Ils mangent de la soupe.