The Weekenders (2000) s02e06 Episode Script
Real Fake
1
Enjoy your pizzicle!
Hey, Tino here.
Just another glamorous afternoon in the
lives of four glamorous movie stars.
My tongue is stuck!
Oh, glamorous-ish.
Okay, here's the deal.
Mr. Hassenfeld recommended us to a former
student of his, her name's Candice.
She is in a film class at
Bahia Bay Community College
and she's making a
documentary about kids.
And we're the kids!
We're gonna be in a movie!
And then who knows?
Maybe a sequel, and an action figure.
Oh man, if they made an action figure of
us, we'd have a real shot at being popular!
How cool is that?
Not as cool as this pizza.
Can I get a blowtorch over here?
Sorry I'm late.
Well, okay.
First of all, hi, I'm Candice.
And second of all, thank
you for doing this film
because Mr Hassenfeld, he's
so nice, isn't he?
Well, he told me.
Anyway, I guess you've
been friends forever.
And third of all - wait,
can you say third of all?
Thirdly.
Thanks!
You're so smart!
And so thirdly, why do a
movie called Real Live Kids?
Because kids are all around us.
I.. guess?
They're in our neighborhoods, in our parks,
radio, on TV, like that show Teen Canyon.
They're even on that.
Basically, I need you to act real.
I mean, act like yourself.
I mean, not act.
Just be yourself.
Just be.
Anyway, I'll capture
every move, word, breath,
feeling, and it'll be
fascinating because yeah!
Okay.
Describe yourself.
I mean, go around
the table and just
One at a time,
describe yourselves.
Okay, go!
I'm nice?
I'm nice.
I'm.. 12?
I'm nice?
And 12?
Okay, well
That was fine.
I mean, it doesn't so we'll just
meet at the park tomorrow, okay?
Because, um, at 9, is that okay?
That'll be.. nice.
Oh, this is bad, guys.
She wants us to be fascinating.
And what are we?
We're nice.
We're 12.
We're nice and 12.
Maybe we should be more
like the kids on Teen Canyon.
Candice obviously watches the show,
and who can blame her?
Just look at 'em!
Do you think Candice expects us to be,
you know, that fascinating?
She's the one who mentioned it.
Besides, you don't make movies about
ordinary stuff.
And face it, we are ordinary.
Worse, I think we're boring.
T is right.
If we're this boring
at our regular height,
when we're 12 feet tall on a movie screen,
we're gonna be a cure for insomnia.
Candice will flunk community college.. !
Hey, we'll never be made into action figures.
I know!
We can act like
the guys on Teen Canyon.
You mean just pick a character and copy
them?
Ooh, I get to be Kyle.
Kyle is so cool.
Come on, please, please, please,
please, please, please, please.
Okay.
Tish, you obviously have to be Louise.
The brainy one?
You're exactly like her.
She's Native American, she
knows how to repair helicopters,
and she's the world's youngest
molecular neurobiologist.
Yeah.
If Carver's gonna be Kyle,
then Tino has to be Gordo.
The wacky one?
Do you think I'm wacky?
You can do a cartwheel.
Wait.
That means I'm
stuck being Malora!
I hate her.
She's a boy crazy ditz.
Well, it's either her or Mrs Pottsby,
the kindly guidance counsellor
who helps navigate the
waterways of adolescence.
Okay, I'll be Malora.
But I'm not doing any giggling.
Oh, come on, you gotta giggle!
I mean, that's all she does.
Fine.
Hee hee hee hee hee!
Now, we are fascinating.
My hat isn't as wacky as Gordo's.
And I need a wacky catchphrase.
How about a
"Hey-yaga-ho!"
It has a certain,
whimsical jocularity~
Huh?
I'm being brainy.
Right on, super lady.
Sorry, I'm late.
I was Anyway, let's start by picking up
where we left.
Worth a good place.
I mean, to talk about yourselves.
Follow me.
Anytime, babe.
So, it's Saturday.
You're out on the park on the gym,
the gym jungle, the jungly thing, the.
Um. Right, okay.
Go!
I feel a veritable
cornucopia of sensations,
a panoply of
excitations and a
a plethora of
intermittent vexations.
Does someone want to expand, anyone?
She means it's all what it is.
You dig?
Boys, boys, boys.
Hee hee hee!
Oh.. kay
It takes a while to get used to the
camera.
So maybe another location would be good.
Yeah.
And Tino, your face looks very
red on camera for some reason
Help?
Help?
Now?
Ugh!
My pusilanimous endeavors
pale in comparison
to your prodigiously super-encumbent
Billiard-ly adroitness!
Don't pretend you understand me.
Nobody understands me.
Not even me!
Alright!
I mean
Hey-yaga-ho!
Hey-yaga-ho!
Hey-yaga-ho!
Lor, what do you like most?
I mean about your friends that you,
that you most like about them.
I like the boys at school.
Okay, but about your friends.
What do you guys do?
Talking about boys makes me giggle.
Hee hee hee!
Hello, high sports fans.
Hey-yaga-ho!
Don't mess with me, man.
I'm edgy.
Okay, uh, how about
if we all call it a day?
Yeah, why don't we all?
We'll meet at beach tomorrow for,
at nine!
Uh, bye.
So!
She hates us, right?
Absolutely.
She totally bolted.
We have to work on our characters.
I'm gonna rent some stuff from the wacky
section of the video store.
I'll go to that molecular neurobiology
lecture at the museum.
I feel that I have my character mastered.
My hair!
My hair could be cooler.
Well, I'm not doing anything
Melora would do.
She's a ditz.
A fascinating ditz.
Alright, I'll go buy Teen Screech
magazine and.. screech at teens.
That's the spirit.
You're home early for a celebrity.
You rented some movies?
Hey, Mom.
What's a better catchphrase?
Hey-yaga-ho!
Or, "Gabalaba-hooey!"
These are all comedy teams
from like 50 years ago.
Frobisher and Clemens, the Blacks Brothers,
the Three Nitwits?
Yeah, I dunno who they are.
But I know that they're wacky,
like me!
Wacky?
That eez right!
He is wackay and zanay and naughtay!
Just like Gordo on Teen Canyon.
Eyyyy, eef you have to
copy some kiiid on TV,
why cannot it be one who
cleans his room every day?
Get real, Mom.
There's nobody like that on TV.
Gabalaba-hooey!
Man, I gotta do better than that.
I was up all night memorizing
the periodic table of elements.
I made it all the way to Rutherfordium.
I practiced signing
'Lor DiCaprio' for five hours.
I think I gave myself carpal tunnel.
Carv', your hair smells funny.
I've been experimenting
with hair products.
Did you know barbecue
sauce is a natural volumizer?
No, but I'm craving
ribs all of a sudden,
Gabalaba-hooey!
That's wacky?
Oh, no, it isn't.
I watched this old movie starring
the Three Nitwits last night.
I'll never be as wacky as those guys.
I can't do this.
I'm gonna quit Candice's movie.
Me too, I hate this!
Indubitably.
Hey, Carv', you wanna
make it a united front?
Kyle and I are already so similar,
that I don't really see any point.
Yeah, you are the king of cool.
Uh-oh, teacher in shorts alert.
Hey, Mr Hasenfeld,
hey Candice.
Isn't this a kick in the pants?
I was just telling Candice, I'm
gonna show her movie of you guys
at the next all-school assembly.
Assembly?
I thought it would be a
real kick in the pants,
for the other kids to see their
classmates on the big screen.
Well, I've got some waffles to work off.
You have fun now.
That news, huh?
It's exciting that you're gonna be
larger than life when I mean, I was
Sorry I'm late.
Uh, one moment.
Huddle?
If everyone at school sees the
stuff she's already shot of us.
We'll look like total geeks.
And, if we go back to ourselves and
everyone sees that
We'll look like boring geeks.
So, we stick with cool, brainy,
wacky, and boy crazy.
And we make it good.
Heey, folks!
Gabalaba-yaga-hi-gy-ho!
Yo, yo, yo!
Just. Keep. Moving.
Don't make eye contact.
Hey, super lady.
Wow, Carver, everything you do is cool!
Right, guys?
I am in accordance
with your assessment of concordance
and the parallelism of conformance and
and the formance
of your normance, and --
Tish! Tish!
Snap out of it.
Lor! Look who I found!
It's Luke.
He's a boy.
For you to go crazy over.
We have 23 french fries.
Cut, cut, cut.
If I have to act boy crazy for one more
second, I'm gonna bust a blood vessel.
Can we all stop acting so fake?
We're sorry, Candice.
It's just that
we're kind of boring
So we figured if we acted like the guys on
Teen Canyon, we'd be more fascinating.
But we're not very good at it.
Except for me.
I'm not really acting.
Some of us are delusional
if we think we're the least bit like
Okay, you made your point.
And cut.
Now there's my movie.
Okay, that's a wrap.
Wow, you were finally real
for once and it was fascinating!
It was?
Wait, w-wait.
You can't show that at assembly.
We'll look like jerks!
Are you kidding?
You guys, you come off great!
You're so much more interesting when
you're just yourselves.
Trust me, the kids at school, when they
see this, they'll think you're fantastic.
Everyone's cool when they're being
themselves.
Gum from the sidewalk tastes best.
Okay, except that guy.
Who knew steamed, cracked
wheat could be so appealing?
The Moroccans, that's who.
With that in mind, try Couscous:
the food so nice, they named it twice.
And the kids from Teen Canyon
wouldn't be caught dead here!
Their loss!
Right on, Super Lady.
You are so asking for it
with that "lady" stuff.
Alright, so maybe we're not as cool
as the kids on Teen Canyon.
But we do have one advantage over them.
We are not a bunch of
made-up TV characters.
Or are we?
Okay, later days.
Enjoy your pizzicle!
Hey, Tino here.
Just another glamorous afternoon in the
lives of four glamorous movie stars.
My tongue is stuck!
Oh, glamorous-ish.
Okay, here's the deal.
Mr. Hassenfeld recommended us to a former
student of his, her name's Candice.
She is in a film class at
Bahia Bay Community College
and she's making a
documentary about kids.
And we're the kids!
We're gonna be in a movie!
And then who knows?
Maybe a sequel, and an action figure.
Oh man, if they made an action figure of
us, we'd have a real shot at being popular!
How cool is that?
Not as cool as this pizza.
Can I get a blowtorch over here?
Sorry I'm late.
Well, okay.
First of all, hi, I'm Candice.
And second of all, thank
you for doing this film
because Mr Hassenfeld, he's
so nice, isn't he?
Well, he told me.
Anyway, I guess you've
been friends forever.
And third of all - wait,
can you say third of all?
Thirdly.
Thanks!
You're so smart!
And so thirdly, why do a
movie called Real Live Kids?
Because kids are all around us.
I.. guess?
They're in our neighborhoods, in our parks,
radio, on TV, like that show Teen Canyon.
They're even on that.
Basically, I need you to act real.
I mean, act like yourself.
I mean, not act.
Just be yourself.
Just be.
Anyway, I'll capture
every move, word, breath,
feeling, and it'll be
fascinating because yeah!
Okay.
Describe yourself.
I mean, go around
the table and just
One at a time,
describe yourselves.
Okay, go!
I'm nice?
I'm nice.
I'm.. 12?
I'm nice?
And 12?
Okay, well
That was fine.
I mean, it doesn't so we'll just
meet at the park tomorrow, okay?
Because, um, at 9, is that okay?
That'll be.. nice.
Oh, this is bad, guys.
She wants us to be fascinating.
And what are we?
We're nice.
We're 12.
We're nice and 12.
Maybe we should be more
like the kids on Teen Canyon.
Candice obviously watches the show,
and who can blame her?
Just look at 'em!
Do you think Candice expects us to be,
you know, that fascinating?
She's the one who mentioned it.
Besides, you don't make movies about
ordinary stuff.
And face it, we are ordinary.
Worse, I think we're boring.
T is right.
If we're this boring
at our regular height,
when we're 12 feet tall on a movie screen,
we're gonna be a cure for insomnia.
Candice will flunk community college.. !
Hey, we'll never be made into action figures.
I know!
We can act like
the guys on Teen Canyon.
You mean just pick a character and copy
them?
Ooh, I get to be Kyle.
Kyle is so cool.
Come on, please, please, please,
please, please, please, please.
Okay.
Tish, you obviously have to be Louise.
The brainy one?
You're exactly like her.
She's Native American, she
knows how to repair helicopters,
and she's the world's youngest
molecular neurobiologist.
Yeah.
If Carver's gonna be Kyle,
then Tino has to be Gordo.
The wacky one?
Do you think I'm wacky?
You can do a cartwheel.
Wait.
That means I'm
stuck being Malora!
I hate her.
She's a boy crazy ditz.
Well, it's either her or Mrs Pottsby,
the kindly guidance counsellor
who helps navigate the
waterways of adolescence.
Okay, I'll be Malora.
But I'm not doing any giggling.
Oh, come on, you gotta giggle!
I mean, that's all she does.
Fine.
Hee hee hee hee hee!
Now, we are fascinating.
My hat isn't as wacky as Gordo's.
And I need a wacky catchphrase.
How about a
"Hey-yaga-ho!"
It has a certain,
whimsical jocularity~
Huh?
I'm being brainy.
Right on, super lady.
Sorry, I'm late.
I was Anyway, let's start by picking up
where we left.
Worth a good place.
I mean, to talk about yourselves.
Follow me.
Anytime, babe.
So, it's Saturday.
You're out on the park on the gym,
the gym jungle, the jungly thing, the.
Um. Right, okay.
Go!
I feel a veritable
cornucopia of sensations,
a panoply of
excitations and a
a plethora of
intermittent vexations.
Does someone want to expand, anyone?
She means it's all what it is.
You dig?
Boys, boys, boys.
Hee hee hee!
Oh.. kay
It takes a while to get used to the
camera.
So maybe another location would be good.
Yeah.
And Tino, your face looks very
red on camera for some reason
Help?
Help?
Now?
Ugh!
My pusilanimous endeavors
pale in comparison
to your prodigiously super-encumbent
Billiard-ly adroitness!
Don't pretend you understand me.
Nobody understands me.
Not even me!
Alright!
I mean
Hey-yaga-ho!
Hey-yaga-ho!
Hey-yaga-ho!
Lor, what do you like most?
I mean about your friends that you,
that you most like about them.
I like the boys at school.
Okay, but about your friends.
What do you guys do?
Talking about boys makes me giggle.
Hee hee hee!
Hello, high sports fans.
Hey-yaga-ho!
Don't mess with me, man.
I'm edgy.
Okay, uh, how about
if we all call it a day?
Yeah, why don't we all?
We'll meet at beach tomorrow for,
at nine!
Uh, bye.
So!
She hates us, right?
Absolutely.
She totally bolted.
We have to work on our characters.
I'm gonna rent some stuff from the wacky
section of the video store.
I'll go to that molecular neurobiology
lecture at the museum.
I feel that I have my character mastered.
My hair!
My hair could be cooler.
Well, I'm not doing anything
Melora would do.
She's a ditz.
A fascinating ditz.
Alright, I'll go buy Teen Screech
magazine and.. screech at teens.
That's the spirit.
You're home early for a celebrity.
You rented some movies?
Hey, Mom.
What's a better catchphrase?
Hey-yaga-ho!
Or, "Gabalaba-hooey!"
These are all comedy teams
from like 50 years ago.
Frobisher and Clemens, the Blacks Brothers,
the Three Nitwits?
Yeah, I dunno who they are.
But I know that they're wacky,
like me!
Wacky?
That eez right!
He is wackay and zanay and naughtay!
Just like Gordo on Teen Canyon.
Eyyyy, eef you have to
copy some kiiid on TV,
why cannot it be one who
cleans his room every day?
Get real, Mom.
There's nobody like that on TV.
Gabalaba-hooey!
Man, I gotta do better than that.
I was up all night memorizing
the periodic table of elements.
I made it all the way to Rutherfordium.
I practiced signing
'Lor DiCaprio' for five hours.
I think I gave myself carpal tunnel.
Carv', your hair smells funny.
I've been experimenting
with hair products.
Did you know barbecue
sauce is a natural volumizer?
No, but I'm craving
ribs all of a sudden,
Gabalaba-hooey!
That's wacky?
Oh, no, it isn't.
I watched this old movie starring
the Three Nitwits last night.
I'll never be as wacky as those guys.
I can't do this.
I'm gonna quit Candice's movie.
Me too, I hate this!
Indubitably.
Hey, Carv', you wanna
make it a united front?
Kyle and I are already so similar,
that I don't really see any point.
Yeah, you are the king of cool.
Uh-oh, teacher in shorts alert.
Hey, Mr Hasenfeld,
hey Candice.
Isn't this a kick in the pants?
I was just telling Candice, I'm
gonna show her movie of you guys
at the next all-school assembly.
Assembly?
I thought it would be a
real kick in the pants,
for the other kids to see their
classmates on the big screen.
Well, I've got some waffles to work off.
You have fun now.
That news, huh?
It's exciting that you're gonna be
larger than life when I mean, I was
Sorry I'm late.
Uh, one moment.
Huddle?
If everyone at school sees the
stuff she's already shot of us.
We'll look like total geeks.
And, if we go back to ourselves and
everyone sees that
We'll look like boring geeks.
So, we stick with cool, brainy,
wacky, and boy crazy.
And we make it good.
Heey, folks!
Gabalaba-yaga-hi-gy-ho!
Yo, yo, yo!
Just. Keep. Moving.
Don't make eye contact.
Hey, super lady.
Wow, Carver, everything you do is cool!
Right, guys?
I am in accordance
with your assessment of concordance
and the parallelism of conformance and
and the formance
of your normance, and --
Tish! Tish!
Snap out of it.
Lor! Look who I found!
It's Luke.
He's a boy.
For you to go crazy over.
We have 23 french fries.
Cut, cut, cut.
If I have to act boy crazy for one more
second, I'm gonna bust a blood vessel.
Can we all stop acting so fake?
We're sorry, Candice.
It's just that
we're kind of boring
So we figured if we acted like the guys on
Teen Canyon, we'd be more fascinating.
But we're not very good at it.
Except for me.
I'm not really acting.
Some of us are delusional
if we think we're the least bit like
Okay, you made your point.
And cut.
Now there's my movie.
Okay, that's a wrap.
Wow, you were finally real
for once and it was fascinating!
It was?
Wait, w-wait.
You can't show that at assembly.
We'll look like jerks!
Are you kidding?
You guys, you come off great!
You're so much more interesting when
you're just yourselves.
Trust me, the kids at school, when they
see this, they'll think you're fantastic.
Everyone's cool when they're being
themselves.
Gum from the sidewalk tastes best.
Okay, except that guy.
Who knew steamed, cracked
wheat could be so appealing?
The Moroccans, that's who.
With that in mind, try Couscous:
the food so nice, they named it twice.
And the kids from Teen Canyon
wouldn't be caught dead here!
Their loss!
Right on, Super Lady.
You are so asking for it
with that "lady" stuff.
Alright, so maybe we're not as cool
as the kids on Teen Canyon.
But we do have one advantage over them.
We are not a bunch of
made-up TV characters.
Or are we?
Okay, later days.