The Windsors (2016) s02e06 Episode Script

- You know how much Harry meant to me.
- You've got Johnny now.
Hello! Psychopath.
- What're you doing in my room? - Just checking the heating.
If you wanted me to be your wife so much, - why did you sell me at a fair?! - I wanted a drink.
With the new Magna Carta stating there should be an absolute monarchy, and with the Prime Minister still in a persistent vegetative state, Prince Charles has made this intervention.
I announce my intention to be that absolute monarch.
This is in accordance of the wishes of my mama, as outlined by my papa in this prepared statement.
Ahem.
For fuck's sake, we're too old and knackered for all this bollocks.
We don't mind opening the odd day centre, but if you want us to rule, you can fuck right off.
On behalf of Her Majesty the Queen, thank you very much.
No questions now.
Thank you.
Well, you can't take over.
It's insane.
- The country needs me.
- Us, darling.
- Us.
- Well, who knows, that Magna Carta may not even be genuine.
It's been verified by the finest legal minds in the country.
And the entire Antiques Roadshow team.
- You don't have the right.
- I have the Divine Right of Kings.
Not necessarily given by God, probably some sort of superior alien life form that talks like this.
- Do you really think that? - Oh, yes.
You wouldn't believe what I've got tucked away up here.
I don't know why you're fighting us on this.
After me, it's you.
But only after me.
But we don't want absolute power.
We want to cycle round on bicycles in chinos and light sweaters, - suggesting we're normal.
- Exactly, like the Dutch royal family or Chris Martin from Coldplay.
And the public will never stand for it.
The public will do what they're bloody told.
Well, that's where you're wrong.
They live and breathe and think.
Anatomically, they're exactly - the same as us.
- You're wasting your breath.
We only need one major world leader to give us a thumbs up, and the whole UN will fall into line.
And what kind of nutter would do that? I've got one or two ideas.
'In other news, Donald Trump's state visit looks set to go ahead.
I don't care if Theresa May is in a persistent vegetative state.
I was promised a trip to Britain and I want a trip to Britain.
And who's going to pay for it? British Airways! Oh, buggeration.
Sorry, mate.
You're in the infantry this trip.
So, you're really going to LA? Yeah, I can't wait to see Megan.
And not much for me to stick around for here.
- I mean, you're getting married.
- Yes.
Yes, I am.
Unless someone were to stop me.
Well, that would be a very mean thing to do.
Well, perhaps it wouldn't be if deep down I didn't want to get married or thought I was marrying the wrong person.
Oh, well, in that situation, it would be absolutely the right thing to do.
Yes and I'd be so grateful to them.
Oh, my God.
I've just realised why you've come.
- Yes.
- It's fate.
You can sit on my suitcase.
That way, I'll get the tank in.
Reinstalling is exhausting.
Oh, it's from Uncle Charles.
He says that once the absolute monarchy starts, we're going to need to perform ceremonial duties again, and he's offering a very attractive salary.
This is it, Bea.
Right.
That's going straight in the bin.
But, Eugenie, we fought so hard to make it on our own.
And we're so close to making it happen.
Oh, come on, Bea.
We're being offered two mill each, inflation pegged for the rest of our lives to cut ribbons.
Yeah, but it comes at a cost -- our self worth.
Bea You're nearly 30.
It's not happening.
Actually, we probably could do more for women in business from a royal platform than actually BEING women in business.
Exactly.
Like some toast, Andy? I'll butter it for you.
Hello? It's Pippa.
Are you free on Saturday night? Saturday? Erm, let me have a look.
Completely free.
What's occurring? It's my hen night.
My usual friends have all pulled out, saying I'm a self-absorbed social climber or some shit.
I wasn't listening.
Anyway, can you come? Oh, I'd love to.
I Right, I'll text you the details.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Oh, she hung up.
So, is it all right, Andy, if I go out Saturday? Kate, there you are.
What on earth are you doing with that penis? Pippa's put me in charge of her hen do.
Which one do you think? We're supposed to be finding out if the people really do support an absolute monarchy, and we've only got the weekend.
Well, do it in here.
Mm, she has got a nice pair.
So, what do you think about that absolute monarchy thing? Well, in these chaotic times we do need stability.
And the Tories and Labour, they've had enough chances.
And I don't really like voting.
Save me a job.
What are you talking about? They're unelected.
Do you really want to throw away democratic freedoms people have fought and died for over 1,000 years? Prince William? What are you doing in an unlicensed sex shop? Let's go.
I'll just get this.
Edward! Oh, hello, Kate, Wills.
This is my new job.
I really think I've turned a corner.
Isn't the whole sex industry thing moving more online? Not that I know much about it.
Oh, no, no.
It's a people industry.
They like the face-to-face contact.
Oh, hello, Michael.
Usual? Just wish there were some other way to fight this absolute monarchy.
I still think there's something odd about that Magna Carta just turning up.
Edward? We know the Magna Carta is a forgery.
Edward told us everything and he's prepared to go public with it.
Is this the same Edward whose debts to the Triads, the Yakuza, and Payday Lenders R Us I've just cleared? He's not going public with anything.
And if you insist on going to the press, I'll be forced to make it known that Kate is a bigamist.
Don't be ridiculous! - Oh, you haven't told him? - I I You see, when she married you, Will, she was already married .
.
to a Gypsy called Ricky.
That's not true.
Kate? Tell her it's not true.
She's twisting it all up! Although, I was married to a Gypsy called Ricky.
He was blackmailing her.
I made that particular situation go away by cryogenically freezing him.
But I can defrost him any time I like.
Kate You lied to me.
Something we said we'd never do.
I know, and I'm sorry, but you lied to me when you went to bed with Nicola Sturgeon in her holiday persona of Flame.
I explained that was just for body warmth! Looks like I've won.
Yes, but along the way you may well have destroyed our relationship.
Will! Double bubble.
Well, thanks very much, Kate.
This is shit.
I'm sorry, Pippa.
I've got a lot on my mind.
My marriage is this close to disintegrating.
Well, this isn't about you.
This is about me.
Whatever you've got lined up for later better be more exciting than that pottery course this afternoon.
Do you really think we should have come out tonight? It's our final blowout, before we commit ourselves to a life of royal duty.
Yeah.
So, what do we have lined up this week? A film premiere with Ryan Reynolds.
Foof! Well, in that case, we do deserve a night out.
- Ooh, sounds like something's happening.
- About bloody time.
It's hot in here.
Thank goodness I've got a very long hose.
Ooh! Spray me! Spray me! I'm on fire! Take your pants off! You may be hot now, but soon you're going to be dripping wet.
I'm sorry, that was a bit rude.
Edward.
Pippa.
Oh, it's all of you.
I didn't recognise you with the glasses.
- Show us your willy! - No, Mummy, it's uncle Edward.
- Oh.
Show us your willy! You booked Edward to strip at my hen party? I booked it through a sex shop.
I thought Camilla - had cleared your debts.
- She did.
Congratulations, you've ruined my hen night.
Wotcher, Pips.
Harry.
What are you doing here? I heard a whisper that you were going to stick a grand behind the bar.
Let's get some shots in.
Boom! Yeah! Who the hell is Donald Trump? I can't believe our American cousins elected such a vulgarian.
Richard Nixon must be spinning in his grave.
We need his endorsement, so be nice.
The President of the United States.
- Mr President.
- Mr King.
Camilla, look at you.
You are beautiful, you are classy.
So important to be classy.
- And what a rack.
- How sweet of you to notice.
LET'S CUT THE BS! YOU NEED MY ENDORSEMEN TO SWING THINGS AT THE UN! Why are you shouting, Donald? BECAUSE I'M ERRATIC! I'm a deal-maker.
I make deals, beautiful deals, so beautiful.
But what do I get in return? This visit.
- It's giving you credibility.
- Don't need it.
My government's a finely tuned machine, and it's going so nicely, but you need me.
So, what do you want? Her.
Are you suggesting some sort of indecent proposal? What's indecent about two consenting adults on a four-poster bed going at it like baboons? Out of the question.
I couldn't countenance such a proposition.
OK, I can walk away.
But the deal's on the table FOR ONE HOUR ONLY! You're not really going to go through with this, are you? Believe me, I would rather eat the cling-ons round a badger's arse, but we need his support, and I have been with many, many men before.
But that was before we were married.
We're stronger than that, Charles.
We can get through this the same way we've got through so many things before -- by never, ever mentioning it ever again.
All right.
What is it they say? It's your body and you're the one who's going to have a big, fat, sweaty property developer on top of it.
Exactly.
Now, go.
He'll be here any moment.
Camilla, darling, I Just don't let him in the back doors.
I won't.
Hi, beautiful.
Come in, Donald.
You've given up, man.
Henry VIII! Why aren't you fighting for your country? What can I do? The Prime Minister's in a permanent vegetative state and the people are crying out for an absolute monarchy.
Plus, my wife's a bigamist.
Now, the first thing to do is to get her back.
A man can't do anything without his wife by his side.
But you were always killing your wives.
Let me tell you a story about Anne Boleyn.
I loved that woman more than chicken, and I really love chicken.
Then I found out she'd cheated on me and, in a rage, I had her head cut off.
I've regretted it every day since.
Well, I thought you made all that up just so you could marry someone else.
Oh, yeah.
That's right, I did.
That's syphilis for you -- affects your thinking.
No, Henry VIII, you make a good point.
I've got to get Kate back and stop this absolute monarchy.
Have you got any more chicken?! Well, that's never happened before.
Oh, that's quite all right, Donald, a man of your age.
No, I mean never happened before, and anyone who says it has -- fake news! It's all right.
It'll be our little secret.
Oh, by the way, you will still be endorsing us? Anything.
Sure, anything.
I thought perhaps you might do it in a speech at the wedding tomorrow.
Yeah, important to give a nice speech, but don't tell Putin what happened.
He can always get it up.
Hello, old girl.
- Andy.
- Taking a trip? Yes, I'm off to America.
I'm going to try the old Right Royal Juicer on the shopping channel again.
I don't want you doing that any more, Fergie.
You deserve better than that.
What do you mean? As soon as Charlie takes over, he's putting me in charge of defence.
It'll be me handing out the contracts.
I'm going to be rich -- Ant and Dec rich -- and I want to take care of you forever.
Oh, and I want to be taken care of.
You see, we've been through so much over the last 30 years.
Yes, I will marry you, Andy.
Marry me? No.
I'm going to be with a series of much prettier, much younger women.
But you just said we've shared so much.
Yes, you've got enough on me to sink a battleship.
The least I can do is put a bit of cash your way.
So you're buying my silence? Oh I'm just a problem to you, aren't I? Something you wish you'd never done.
No.
I don't want your money, Andrew.
You took a lot of things when you left, but you did not take my dignity.
You see, I'm moved on with my life.
Is that me? No.
He's a better man than you'll ever be.
He doesn't lie to me.
He doesn't belittle me.
He doesn't tell me I'm too old to wear hot pants.
Now, get out! I like the dress you picked out for me.
Are you all right, Pippa? Am I doing the right thing? It's not too late to back out.
What? Always got to stick your nose in, haven't you? But you just said Going around giving advice just cos you're married to a prince.
Well, Johnny got billions -- not millions, billions -- and he's going to make me the happiest girl in the world.
It's my dream come true! - Kate.
- Wills.
I shall take my stuff out of the flat this afternoon.
No.
I lied to you.
I intend to rejoin my parents' party-planning business, and, apart from a tell-all memoir to be serialised in the Mail on Sunday, I shall withdraw from public life.
Oh, darling, I don't care you're a bigamist any more than I cared when I found out you were a murderer.
Really? I love you, and that's all that matters.
Oh, Wills Yes, I am, unless someone were to stop me.
Perhaps it wouldn't be, if deep down I didn't want to get married or thought I was marrying the wrong person.
Wrong person, wrong person Oh, my God.
Pippa's in love with me! Turn around! I've got to go back! Oh, bloody traffic.
If anyone knows of any reason this marriage cannot take place, please speak now.
- Harry? - Hold up the phone.
Pippa - Pippa! - Harry? Harry? Pippa! Pippa! Pippa, don't do it! I love you.
- Harry - I think we'd better move on.
I want to marry you! I'll leg it.
Do you, Pippa, take Johnny to be your husband, for better, for worse, as long as you both live? I I Ugh! So sorry.
I don't seem to be able to get the actual words out.
Would it be OK if I just nodded? Suits me.
Kate, Dad told me Trump is going to endorse his absolute monarchy after the wedding reception.
Once that happens, he'll be unstoppable.
But that's in a couple of hours.
You may now kiss the bride.
I've got it.
I know how to bring Theresa round, and stop Camilla.
Right, there she is.
What's going on in here? - Prince William - My wife has an idea about how we can bring the Prime Minister out of her coma.
Go on.
For centuries, the kiss of a prince was thought to held magical powers, so you get my husband, a prince, to kiss her, and she might -- just might -- wake up.
What do you think, Doc? Well, to be honest, it sounds a bit fuck-witted.
Try it, Wills.
What have we got to lose? Well, you might get sued by her husband.
Nothing's happening.
Try a bit of tongue.
You did it! Where am I? No time to explain, Prime Minister.
We have to stop a constitutional crisis.
You mean Donald Trump couldn't get it up? Yes.
I don't think we need wait till the food before making the speech.
Hmm? Hello, everyone.
What a splendid wedding.
I've never seen two people more in love.
Bu-But, before we dine, I give you the President of the United States of America.
What a wedding! So nice! OK, so Prince Charles, Camilla, what a team, and that is why, as President of the United States, and host of The Apprentice 14 seasons, by the way, top of the ratings, terrible since Arnie took over -- had to go, so overrated Get on with it.
I am proud to endorse Prince Charles and Camilla as Wait! Theresa May! But her brain's turned to jam I've been doing the sudoku on the way here.
I snogged her and my magical powers as a prince brought her round.
That sounds feasible -- I say that as a member of the Homeopathy Society.
Well, naturally, we're delighted.
So, Papa, our Prime Minister is back.
There will be no absolute monarchy.
Not too late, am I? Will you marry me? Of course you're too late.
It's my wedding reception.
I see.
Then will you do me the honour.
of becoming my mistress? Well, I, for one, am pleased we won't be absolute monarchs.
It seems to me like an awful lot of hard work.
I'm going now.
There's an awful lot of hard work to be done.
See? Yeah, that's the thing, Theresa -- everything about you is hard work.
And the first thing I'm going to do is get rid of the monarchy.
Good.
You'll be doing us all a favour.
At last, we'll be free to use our own talents to be whatever we want to be.
Beatrice and Eugenie, if you finally had the royal safety net removed, like your mummy did, maybe you could come up with some sort of viable online business.
Harry, could go back into the Army again, or get a job at a fair on the bumper cars.
Camilla, you could work in an off-licence.
Dad, what would you like to be? - Beekeeper! - Oh, why the hell not? You don't mind getting strung occasionally.
Oh, well Well, actually.
Edward, you've suffered most of all from being a royal, but if you were just a normal bloke, people would finally stop mentioning the debacle that was It's A Royal Knockout.
And even if none of it worked out, we could all just live off the interest from our vast personal fortunes! So, Prime Minister, do your worst, because we are the Windsors.