Trial & Error (2016) s02e06 Episode Script
New Case, Old Murder
1 JOSH: I knew it was a risk representing the most popular woman in town.
If we lost, I'd get tied to a stake, lit on fire, and thrown into a canyon.
Since we won, we're being honored by the Mayor, who, despite being in a coma, is awarding me with the highest honor given to a civilian the Bronze Pecker.
So how do I feel? I've had six straight hours of diarrhea.
Last night, I noticed that the handwriting on the suicide note of the person who claimed to kill Edgar is the same as Lavinia's handwriting.
I think I may have gotten off a mass murderer.
[STOMACH GRUMBLES.]
Oh, God.
Not again.
- [STOMACH GRUMBLES.]
- Yep.
HAYES: [CLEARS THROAT.]
Good morning.
First, I'd like to say Mayor Hiss could not be prouder on the work you've done on behalf of our greatest citizen, Lavinia Peck-Foster.
[CAMERA SHUTTERS CLICKING.]
SPECTATORS: Aww.
And now Mayor Hiss would like to present you with the Bronze Pecker.
[APPLAUSE.]
- He's not letting it go.
- Sometimes the muscle do seize.
What you're gonna want to do is just massage his wrist a little bit.
Not too much or it will evacuate his bowels.
- Why don't you just ship it to me? - Okay.
And, uh, I am proud to present you with the combination to the city.
[APPLAUSE.]
[QUIETLY.]
We had a key, but people kept losing it.
[SIGHS.]
I will guard this with my life.
And now a woman who needs no introduction Make one anyway.
Okay.
The First Lady of East Peck.
Beautiful, generous, and innocent, thanks to the work of Josh Segal ladies and gentlemen, Lavinia Peck-Foster.
[APPLAUSE.]
Thank you, Associate Mayor.
Thank you.
I would like to thank the good people of East Peck, the better people of North Peck, but most of all, my lawyer, Lawyer, who is responsible for me being free.
From this moment forth, every single thing I do is because of you, Lawyer.
Everything she does.
Because of me.
- [STOMACH GRUMBLES.]
- [GASPS.]
Excuse me.
So, um, you've seen a lot of killers WITH "M-TOWNE: Where Murder Happens.
" Mm.
Did Lavinia seem murder-y to you? No more than anyone else here.
- Why? - No reason.
No reason.
Why do you keep asking about Lavinia? You won.
You should be celebrating.
Yeah.
I guess I just got a case of the old post-pardon depression.
[CHUCKLES.]
I'm gonna go.
- Good call.
- Okay.
[FOOTSTEPS DEPARTING.]
ANNE: Josh, we know what's going on.
We're a team.
You shouldn't be keeping this stuff from us.
I'm sorry.
I just I didn't know how to tell you.
Shoot, I would've told everybody if I was hooking up with a stone-cold possum like Nina.
- Want to get weird? - Super weird.
- [LAUGHING.]
- Okay.
- Wait, what? - Josh, we solve murders.
This was easy.
I logged into your credit-card account and saw that you closed your tab at 9:52 p.
m.
And we saw you this morning at 9:25.
Looks like we got ourselves a time line.
Hook-up board! Hook-up board! Hook-up board! BOTH: [CHANTING.]
Hook-up board! Hook-up board! Okay.
Now, here's where it gets interesting.
According to this receipt that I fished out of your garbage, you purchased one box of condoms, one bottle of antacid, and two-ply toilet paper.
This is the brand and size of condom that your purchased.
If the condom fits, you and Nina did it s.
I'm not putting on a condom.
Do I need to remind you what happened last time you had that attitude? BOTH: [CHANTING.]
Baby board! Baby board! Baby board! - I think Lavinia is a killer.
- Really? [GASPS.]
Huh.
Sounds so different when a man says it.
I feel awful.
But we can fix this.
I want you to prosecute her.
I can't.
It's called double jeopardy.
Not for Edgar.
For Amanda.
Look at how both notes are signed "Respectfully.
" She used the loopy "R," and spelled "Respectfully" with only one "L," in both letters! - There's your proof.
- [BEEP.]
- Interesting.
- [RINGING.]
- DWAYNE: Go for the Dwayner.
- Spell "Respectfully.
" - C? - [BEEP.]
All it proves is that Peck County has earned its status as the worst school district in the country.
You did your job.
Just take the win.
But I put a murderer on the streets.
Forget it, Josh.
It's "M-Towne.
" Carol Anne Keane's right.
I did my job.
If she doesn't want to go after Lavinia, it's not my problem.
- My conscience is clean.
- [DOOR OPENS.]
Lavinia is definitely a murderer.
I went over the tapes of my interview with Lavinia at the bar last night.
So, what's next for Lavinia Peck-Foster? Well, at this very moment, a trip to the little girls' room.
Excuse me.
She was wearing a hot mic when she went to the bathroom.
- [CHIME.]
- LAVINIA: Look at you, darling.
What did you do? You got away with it.
Again.
[LAUGHS.]
- That could mean anything.
- Mm! Murder.
I got away with murder.
Again.
[CHUCKLES.]
Didn't I? Didn't I? I did.
- Hello, Lavinia.
- Oh.
Hello Lawyer.
Reed.
Other one.
Grab a bow and arrow.
We're actually here on business.
Oh! I'll do it! Mm.
I'm on probation for illegally discharging a weapon, but I'll catch! How could you do this? Well, pull back, picture someone who's betrayed you, then release.
Angela Lansbury.
[SCOFFS.]
I trusted you.
I believed you.
I put everything on the line for you.
We made a great team.
My cunning, your naivete.
Plus we danced like Patrick Swayze and Jennifer Grey.
Ugh.
Jennifer Grey.
[TWANG, THUD.]
You're going to pay for killing Edgar and Amanda.
What do you think happened? During my gala, I saw Edgar talking to his whore.
So I grabbed a clock from the workshop, went to the pool, and smashed his head in? Then what? I dragged his lifeless body, threw it in the rum hole? And after the party, let me guess! I drove to the river where I saw his pathetic little body floating facedown, with his hair sticking up just the way I hated.
So I smacked it and smacked it and smacked it and stuffed his body into a suitcase and tossed it into the river? But that little turd floated back to me, so I threw the suitcase in my trunk, drove off, and framed Amanda for it? Is that what you think happened, Lawyer? You actually filled in some of the gaps, but we had the general area.
What a beautiful imagination.
No wonder your people are such entertainers.
Deny it all you want, but we have a tape of you admitting to murder during your interview at the Cut Pecker.
Ooh.
The night I drank half a bottle of absinthe and had the bartender wear me home like a hat? The green fairy makes you say things.
Hmm.
There's one taunting me now.
- What are you doing? - Whatever I want.
Because of you, I'm a free woman.
Dwayne Reed.
- No! Dwayne! - Aah! Aah, oh, my God! [GRUNTS.]
[GASPING.]
[BLEEP.]
! No arrows.
[BLEEP.]
Lavinia said, "I got away with murder again.
" We need to find out who that "again" is.
I'll bet you it was Again Tompkins.
12th child of the Tompkins clan.
East Peck has four people named "Barrel," three "Ubers," six "Lards," yet when I order a coffee, they write "Mush" on the cup.
You know, Again hangs out with Mush Evans.
I could call him.
On the off chance that she wasn't talking about Again Tompkins or Mush Evans No, Ormush Peters.
He got no legs.
[SIGHS HEAVILY.]
Let's look at some of the people in Lavinia's life who have died.
Her father committed suicide.
Ronnie Del Mundo was run over by a car, her mother died of cancer [LAUGHS.]
Josh, you're killing me here.
Sorry, Anne.
Her brother Chet was murdered by Jesse Ray Beaumont.
Illegibly.
What if he wasn't? You remember what Jesse Ray said, right? I want to talk about the conspiracy surrounding the murder of Chet Peck.
So maybe Lavinia killed Chet and framed it on Jesse Ray.
Chet could be the "again.
" My lung's kind of cold.
Anne, what do you think this means? - [GRUNTS.]
- [AIR HISSES.]
[ANNE GASPS.]
[LAUGHING.]
I think it means you're dying! [LAUGHS.]
I want you to help me re-open the Jesse Ray Beaumont case.
And I want to have even a semblance of control over my bodily functions, but neither of those things is happening anytime soon.
I think Lavinia may have killed her brother, too.
I don't care.
I'm not going after her.
This town already hates me.
I am not asking you to go after Lavinia.
I am asking you to help me overturn Jesse Ray's conviction.
Oh, I'm not going back there again.
Your opponent, Atticus, did very sloppy casework.
The coroner classified the cause of death as "murder" and the police report lists the motive as "because.
" Just because.
"Because" or "just because"? Those are two very different classifications.
Just give me 36 hours.
We can work together and see if we can find a way to get a new trial.
I'm sorry, Josh.
There's nothing in it for me.
[SIGHS.]
What about justice? [LONG FART.]
[SQUEAK!.]
[SIGHS.]
[BIRDS CHIRPING.]
What about because you hate Atticus? ANNOUNCER: Atticus Ditto Jr.
Tough.
Lean.
Male.
Think of what would happen to Atticus if his signature win was overturned right before the election.
He'd have less legs to stand on than Ormush Peters.
- Well played.
- Thank you.
Fine.
Now rub my feet.
They're so swollen, they're killing me.
Um, all right, just take off your shoes.
They are off.
Dear God.
Anne and I are on a stakeout to make sure Lavinia doesn't skip town or murder anyone.
We followed her to East Peck's Theatre District.
We can't use my patrol car 'cause Lavinia would recognize it.
So, I had to borrow my brother-cousin's vehicle instead.
- [TAPS.]
- [SIREN BLARES.]
LAVINIA: I don't know why he won't let this go.
What does Lawyer think happened? I took cyanide from Edgar's clock workshop, put it in Amanda's frozen diet dinner entrée, and watched her mouth foam with saliva and little bits of 90-calorie spinach lasagna? Ooh, ooh, I bet after that I took her chubby little cheeks and I smacked them and smacked them and smacked them till the life left her eyes.
[LAUGHS.]
What a story.
I do hope the people who made "Doc Hollywood" can spin an equally compelling yarn.
Carol Anne Keane and I have spent nine hours watching Jesse Ray's testimony from 2008.
How do you explain your hair and your skin found on the victim's body?! You are wasting your time! He didn't bring up the murder once.
The real killer is Don't you talk about your testicles.
- my testicles.
- [GROANS.]
They are filled with poison and regret.
JOSH: What he did bring up two hours on soybeans and boobies, followed by one hour on garbanzos and boobies.
If you eat soybeans, they will make you grow boobies.
- But green beans are okay? - Green beans.
And snap peas.
- Snap peas.
- Oh, my God.
We are no closer to re-opening this case, but I'm probably cutting back on tofu and hummus.
JOSH: Soybeans, boobies, and testicles.
- Are we wasting our time? - Not entirely.
Rub my ankle.
That is my toe.
Can you tell me where your knee is so I can get some perspective? Just grab something and rub.
Oh, yes.
Oh, good lord.
Oh, that may be the best I've ever felt in my entire life.
Yeah, well, my fingers got really strong when I played clarinet in my college jazz band.
- Talk with your hands, Josh.
- Right.
- [BELL JINGLES.]
- Hey.
Nina! This is, um Well, you know Carol Anne Keane, and Carol Anne Keane you know Nina.
Nina.
Hey, if you guys got together, you'd be Carol Anne Kean-a.
Nope.
Sorry if I'm interrupting.
I just I wanted to say goodbye on my way to the airport.
You're not interrupting anything.
We were just doing some casework.
Cool.
Heh.
Well yeah, I should probably get going.
Hey.
This was really fun.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
- What the [BLEEP.]
- One for you.
One for you.
Everyone's been kissed.
Hey, why am I on the murder board? Oh, that's that's Well, you can you can never rule anyone out, can you? Heh.
Heh.
What is this? This whole thing looks epically stalker-ish.
No, it's it's i-i-it's not It's a joke.
Why am I up there, pervert? Well that's another joke.
And i-it's a little bit like this joke.
Why do bananas make good lawyers? 'Cause they always win their appeals.
Banan-appeals! [CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY.]
So Yep.
You know what? I actually brought my clarinet today.
Are you ladies into smooth jazz? Oh! What's this? That's a big part of why I became a cop.
This is a government-issued knee capper slash ceiling fan slower downer.
Wow! - I should've been a cop.
- Now's your chance.
That guy just littered.
Why don't you go make an arrest? - Really? - Who am I to stop you? Okay.
[CHUCKLES.]
I'm so nervous.
- [CLEARS THROAT.]
- [STATIC, WHINE.]
Freeze, mother[BLEEP.]
Yeah, you.
I only see one mother[BLEEP.]
[POLICE RADIO CHATTER.]
I will now turn off the dash cam.
You picked the wrong assistant to [BLEEP.]
with! [BELL JINGLES.]
We figured it out! My protégé, Officer Flatch, arrested eight people tonight.
Were any of them Lavinia? Nah, we lost her hours ago.
But the sixth person Anne arrested was Lard Dwyer, who works at the East Peck DWP I really don't have time for this.
Settle down, son! Now, ol' Lard gave us six of Josh's water bills, which show that his water usage spikes every Tuesday when he does laundry.
But it appears that Josh didn't do his laundry until the morning after he took Nina home.
We didn't hook up! Okay? I had six straight hours of diarrhea.
So second base.
I can't believe I lost two cases to you morons.
I guess your confession saves us a trip to the DNA lab with your sheets.
Wait.
Did you guys have DNA testing during the Jesse Ray case? Yes, Mr.
Fancy Pants New Yorker, we'd gotten it that summer.
Afterwards two dozen people had to switch babies.
Well, I don't see any lab results for the sperm found at the crime scene.
Jesse Ray says he can't produce sperm.
So if that's true, whose sperm is in here? Well, let's open it up, see if we recognize it.
Anne, you want to open a box of semen.
No, I'm good.
[GASPS.]
- It's empty.
- Holy crap! Somebody stole the sperms.
Hey.
Thank you for doing this.
[SIGHS.]
You're welcome.
- Josh.
- Nina! Hi.
Wow.
Look at us.
Right? The three amigos.
Together.
[LAUGHS.]
My producer told me to stick around, in case there's a retrial.
Wow.
That's That's great.
For justice.
Hmm? - BAILIFF: All rise.
- Awesome.
[HIGH-PITCHED, INDISTINCT TALKING.]
- [BLEEP.]
- My thoughts exactly.
Reopening the Beaumont case would be an epic miscarriage of justice.
Why, this is a three-ring circus orchestrated by a clown with a never-ending silk handkerchief of lawsuits.
It is shameless political grandstanding.
- Ditto for DA! - [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
- Yes we Keane! - [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
The right man for the job.
[GAVEL BANGS, CLATTERS.]
Your Honor, we have reason to believe that DNA evidence in the case was withheld and/or destroyed.
Now, the police report says that Jesse Ray Beaumont's sperm was found at the scene of the crime.
Yet, Jesse Ray Beaumont does not have sperm.
I'm not proud of it, but it's true! And the original sample is missing.
No semen, no problem.
No sperm, no herm.
There were hair and skin samples.
This case has already been litigated and won by Atticus Ditto Jr For DA.
- Yes we Keane! - Ditto for me.
- Yes we Keane! - Ditto for me.
- Yes we [BLEEP.]
Keane.
- I can do it standing up.
- Let's go! Let's go! - She can't do it standing up.
[HIGH-PITCHED, INDISTINCT TALKING.]
Your Honor, I believe all of the evidence collected was contaminated.
I hope you are not trying to impugn the forensic psychologist on that case.
Barrel Polterak is a close friend.
Barrel may have been in charge, but his assistant collected the samples.
And who was this so-called assistant? I compulsively self-stimulate.
Oh, boy.
I would like to call on the telephone Dr.
Thomas DeShawn Hinkle decommissioned.
Yeah, I used to have a problem.
It affected my job, my marriage, and my kid's career day at school.
But thanks to prayer and a belt that buckles in the back, I've managed to refocus my compulsive behavior.
Oh, one, two, three Former Dr.
Hinkle, have you ever been called before a court to discuss a potentially contaminated crime scene during your time as a forensic pathologist? Many times.
In fact, I have another one at three.
[GROANS.]
Four.
Five.
And in each of those cases, is it true that Five, four, three.
Go on.
Former Dr.
Hinkle, in your once-expert opinion, with no counting, do you believe that the evidence found at the crime scene was contaminated and should be discarded? Oh, yes, I would definitely throw them out.
Along with many of those jury chairs.
And Your Honor's gavel.
And I probably wouldn't use any of the glassware in the courtroom.
I motion that all evidence collected by former Dr.
Hinkle be discarded, that Mr.
Beaumont's conviction be overturned, and he be granted a new trial.
[HIGH-PITCHED, INDISTINCT TALKING.]
Was that a yes? Your Honor, this is a travesty! [GASPS.]
A new trial over semen? Atticus is steamin'! We are in the middle of an election, and the people will not stand for this.
This people will! [HIGH-PITCHED, INDISTINCT TALKING.]
JOSH: We're supposed to be on the same side.
What are you doing? I'm gonna get the death penalty for that jackass Jesse Ray like should have the first time.
- You're stepping on my foot.
- Dear God.
I became a lawyer to do the right thing.
The right thing to do now is to get justice for Jesse Ray Beaumont and to give Lavinia Beck-Foster what she deserves.
And what is that, Lawyer? [LAUGHS, SNORTS.]
You're a disgrace.
I'm gonna have the Mayor take back the combination to the city.
It's eight.
I already memorized it.
We've changed it seven times.
We can change it again.
Lawyer.
[CLICKS TONGUE.]
[FOOTSTEPS DEPARTING.]
I'm not afraid of you.
What are you going to do? [SCOFFS.]
Seriously, what's she gonna do? [GLASS SHATTERS.]
[LAUGHING.]
Holy [BLEEP.]
Somebody's trying to kill the bear! [LAUGHING.]
[SCREAMS.]
If we lost, I'd get tied to a stake, lit on fire, and thrown into a canyon.
Since we won, we're being honored by the Mayor, who, despite being in a coma, is awarding me with the highest honor given to a civilian the Bronze Pecker.
So how do I feel? I've had six straight hours of diarrhea.
Last night, I noticed that the handwriting on the suicide note of the person who claimed to kill Edgar is the same as Lavinia's handwriting.
I think I may have gotten off a mass murderer.
[STOMACH GRUMBLES.]
Oh, God.
Not again.
- [STOMACH GRUMBLES.]
- Yep.
HAYES: [CLEARS THROAT.]
Good morning.
First, I'd like to say Mayor Hiss could not be prouder on the work you've done on behalf of our greatest citizen, Lavinia Peck-Foster.
[CAMERA SHUTTERS CLICKING.]
SPECTATORS: Aww.
And now Mayor Hiss would like to present you with the Bronze Pecker.
[APPLAUSE.]
- He's not letting it go.
- Sometimes the muscle do seize.
What you're gonna want to do is just massage his wrist a little bit.
Not too much or it will evacuate his bowels.
- Why don't you just ship it to me? - Okay.
And, uh, I am proud to present you with the combination to the city.
[APPLAUSE.]
[QUIETLY.]
We had a key, but people kept losing it.
[SIGHS.]
I will guard this with my life.
And now a woman who needs no introduction Make one anyway.
Okay.
The First Lady of East Peck.
Beautiful, generous, and innocent, thanks to the work of Josh Segal ladies and gentlemen, Lavinia Peck-Foster.
[APPLAUSE.]
Thank you, Associate Mayor.
Thank you.
I would like to thank the good people of East Peck, the better people of North Peck, but most of all, my lawyer, Lawyer, who is responsible for me being free.
From this moment forth, every single thing I do is because of you, Lawyer.
Everything she does.
Because of me.
- [STOMACH GRUMBLES.]
- [GASPS.]
Excuse me.
So, um, you've seen a lot of killers WITH "M-TOWNE: Where Murder Happens.
" Mm.
Did Lavinia seem murder-y to you? No more than anyone else here.
- Why? - No reason.
No reason.
Why do you keep asking about Lavinia? You won.
You should be celebrating.
Yeah.
I guess I just got a case of the old post-pardon depression.
[CHUCKLES.]
I'm gonna go.
- Good call.
- Okay.
[FOOTSTEPS DEPARTING.]
ANNE: Josh, we know what's going on.
We're a team.
You shouldn't be keeping this stuff from us.
I'm sorry.
I just I didn't know how to tell you.
Shoot, I would've told everybody if I was hooking up with a stone-cold possum like Nina.
- Want to get weird? - Super weird.
- [LAUGHING.]
- Okay.
- Wait, what? - Josh, we solve murders.
This was easy.
I logged into your credit-card account and saw that you closed your tab at 9:52 p.
m.
And we saw you this morning at 9:25.
Looks like we got ourselves a time line.
Hook-up board! Hook-up board! Hook-up board! BOTH: [CHANTING.]
Hook-up board! Hook-up board! Okay.
Now, here's where it gets interesting.
According to this receipt that I fished out of your garbage, you purchased one box of condoms, one bottle of antacid, and two-ply toilet paper.
This is the brand and size of condom that your purchased.
If the condom fits, you and Nina did it s.
I'm not putting on a condom.
Do I need to remind you what happened last time you had that attitude? BOTH: [CHANTING.]
Baby board! Baby board! Baby board! - I think Lavinia is a killer.
- Really? [GASPS.]
Huh.
Sounds so different when a man says it.
I feel awful.
But we can fix this.
I want you to prosecute her.
I can't.
It's called double jeopardy.
Not for Edgar.
For Amanda.
Look at how both notes are signed "Respectfully.
" She used the loopy "R," and spelled "Respectfully" with only one "L," in both letters! - There's your proof.
- [BEEP.]
- Interesting.
- [RINGING.]
- DWAYNE: Go for the Dwayner.
- Spell "Respectfully.
" - C? - [BEEP.]
All it proves is that Peck County has earned its status as the worst school district in the country.
You did your job.
Just take the win.
But I put a murderer on the streets.
Forget it, Josh.
It's "M-Towne.
" Carol Anne Keane's right.
I did my job.
If she doesn't want to go after Lavinia, it's not my problem.
- My conscience is clean.
- [DOOR OPENS.]
Lavinia is definitely a murderer.
I went over the tapes of my interview with Lavinia at the bar last night.
So, what's next for Lavinia Peck-Foster? Well, at this very moment, a trip to the little girls' room.
Excuse me.
She was wearing a hot mic when she went to the bathroom.
- [CHIME.]
- LAVINIA: Look at you, darling.
What did you do? You got away with it.
Again.
[LAUGHS.]
- That could mean anything.
- Mm! Murder.
I got away with murder.
Again.
[CHUCKLES.]
Didn't I? Didn't I? I did.
- Hello, Lavinia.
- Oh.
Hello Lawyer.
Reed.
Other one.
Grab a bow and arrow.
We're actually here on business.
Oh! I'll do it! Mm.
I'm on probation for illegally discharging a weapon, but I'll catch! How could you do this? Well, pull back, picture someone who's betrayed you, then release.
Angela Lansbury.
[SCOFFS.]
I trusted you.
I believed you.
I put everything on the line for you.
We made a great team.
My cunning, your naivete.
Plus we danced like Patrick Swayze and Jennifer Grey.
Ugh.
Jennifer Grey.
[TWANG, THUD.]
You're going to pay for killing Edgar and Amanda.
What do you think happened? During my gala, I saw Edgar talking to his whore.
So I grabbed a clock from the workshop, went to the pool, and smashed his head in? Then what? I dragged his lifeless body, threw it in the rum hole? And after the party, let me guess! I drove to the river where I saw his pathetic little body floating facedown, with his hair sticking up just the way I hated.
So I smacked it and smacked it and smacked it and stuffed his body into a suitcase and tossed it into the river? But that little turd floated back to me, so I threw the suitcase in my trunk, drove off, and framed Amanda for it? Is that what you think happened, Lawyer? You actually filled in some of the gaps, but we had the general area.
What a beautiful imagination.
No wonder your people are such entertainers.
Deny it all you want, but we have a tape of you admitting to murder during your interview at the Cut Pecker.
Ooh.
The night I drank half a bottle of absinthe and had the bartender wear me home like a hat? The green fairy makes you say things.
Hmm.
There's one taunting me now.
- What are you doing? - Whatever I want.
Because of you, I'm a free woman.
Dwayne Reed.
- No! Dwayne! - Aah! Aah, oh, my God! [GRUNTS.]
[GASPING.]
[BLEEP.]
! No arrows.
[BLEEP.]
Lavinia said, "I got away with murder again.
" We need to find out who that "again" is.
I'll bet you it was Again Tompkins.
12th child of the Tompkins clan.
East Peck has four people named "Barrel," three "Ubers," six "Lards," yet when I order a coffee, they write "Mush" on the cup.
You know, Again hangs out with Mush Evans.
I could call him.
On the off chance that she wasn't talking about Again Tompkins or Mush Evans No, Ormush Peters.
He got no legs.
[SIGHS HEAVILY.]
Let's look at some of the people in Lavinia's life who have died.
Her father committed suicide.
Ronnie Del Mundo was run over by a car, her mother died of cancer [LAUGHS.]
Josh, you're killing me here.
Sorry, Anne.
Her brother Chet was murdered by Jesse Ray Beaumont.
Illegibly.
What if he wasn't? You remember what Jesse Ray said, right? I want to talk about the conspiracy surrounding the murder of Chet Peck.
So maybe Lavinia killed Chet and framed it on Jesse Ray.
Chet could be the "again.
" My lung's kind of cold.
Anne, what do you think this means? - [GRUNTS.]
- [AIR HISSES.]
[ANNE GASPS.]
[LAUGHING.]
I think it means you're dying! [LAUGHS.]
I want you to help me re-open the Jesse Ray Beaumont case.
And I want to have even a semblance of control over my bodily functions, but neither of those things is happening anytime soon.
I think Lavinia may have killed her brother, too.
I don't care.
I'm not going after her.
This town already hates me.
I am not asking you to go after Lavinia.
I am asking you to help me overturn Jesse Ray's conviction.
Oh, I'm not going back there again.
Your opponent, Atticus, did very sloppy casework.
The coroner classified the cause of death as "murder" and the police report lists the motive as "because.
" Just because.
"Because" or "just because"? Those are two very different classifications.
Just give me 36 hours.
We can work together and see if we can find a way to get a new trial.
I'm sorry, Josh.
There's nothing in it for me.
[SIGHS.]
What about justice? [LONG FART.]
[SQUEAK!.]
[SIGHS.]
[BIRDS CHIRPING.]
What about because you hate Atticus? ANNOUNCER: Atticus Ditto Jr.
Tough.
Lean.
Male.
Think of what would happen to Atticus if his signature win was overturned right before the election.
He'd have less legs to stand on than Ormush Peters.
- Well played.
- Thank you.
Fine.
Now rub my feet.
They're so swollen, they're killing me.
Um, all right, just take off your shoes.
They are off.
Dear God.
Anne and I are on a stakeout to make sure Lavinia doesn't skip town or murder anyone.
We followed her to East Peck's Theatre District.
We can't use my patrol car 'cause Lavinia would recognize it.
So, I had to borrow my brother-cousin's vehicle instead.
- [TAPS.]
- [SIREN BLARES.]
LAVINIA: I don't know why he won't let this go.
What does Lawyer think happened? I took cyanide from Edgar's clock workshop, put it in Amanda's frozen diet dinner entrée, and watched her mouth foam with saliva and little bits of 90-calorie spinach lasagna? Ooh, ooh, I bet after that I took her chubby little cheeks and I smacked them and smacked them and smacked them till the life left her eyes.
[LAUGHS.]
What a story.
I do hope the people who made "Doc Hollywood" can spin an equally compelling yarn.
Carol Anne Keane and I have spent nine hours watching Jesse Ray's testimony from 2008.
How do you explain your hair and your skin found on the victim's body?! You are wasting your time! He didn't bring up the murder once.
The real killer is Don't you talk about your testicles.
- my testicles.
- [GROANS.]
They are filled with poison and regret.
JOSH: What he did bring up two hours on soybeans and boobies, followed by one hour on garbanzos and boobies.
If you eat soybeans, they will make you grow boobies.
- But green beans are okay? - Green beans.
And snap peas.
- Snap peas.
- Oh, my God.
We are no closer to re-opening this case, but I'm probably cutting back on tofu and hummus.
JOSH: Soybeans, boobies, and testicles.
- Are we wasting our time? - Not entirely.
Rub my ankle.
That is my toe.
Can you tell me where your knee is so I can get some perspective? Just grab something and rub.
Oh, yes.
Oh, good lord.
Oh, that may be the best I've ever felt in my entire life.
Yeah, well, my fingers got really strong when I played clarinet in my college jazz band.
- Talk with your hands, Josh.
- Right.
- [BELL JINGLES.]
- Hey.
Nina! This is, um Well, you know Carol Anne Keane, and Carol Anne Keane you know Nina.
Nina.
Hey, if you guys got together, you'd be Carol Anne Kean-a.
Nope.
Sorry if I'm interrupting.
I just I wanted to say goodbye on my way to the airport.
You're not interrupting anything.
We were just doing some casework.
Cool.
Heh.
Well yeah, I should probably get going.
Hey.
This was really fun.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
- What the [BLEEP.]
- One for you.
One for you.
Everyone's been kissed.
Hey, why am I on the murder board? Oh, that's that's Well, you can you can never rule anyone out, can you? Heh.
Heh.
What is this? This whole thing looks epically stalker-ish.
No, it's it's i-i-it's not It's a joke.
Why am I up there, pervert? Well that's another joke.
And i-it's a little bit like this joke.
Why do bananas make good lawyers? 'Cause they always win their appeals.
Banan-appeals! [CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY.]
So Yep.
You know what? I actually brought my clarinet today.
Are you ladies into smooth jazz? Oh! What's this? That's a big part of why I became a cop.
This is a government-issued knee capper slash ceiling fan slower downer.
Wow! - I should've been a cop.
- Now's your chance.
That guy just littered.
Why don't you go make an arrest? - Really? - Who am I to stop you? Okay.
[CHUCKLES.]
I'm so nervous.
- [CLEARS THROAT.]
- [STATIC, WHINE.]
Freeze, mother[BLEEP.]
Yeah, you.
I only see one mother[BLEEP.]
[POLICE RADIO CHATTER.]
I will now turn off the dash cam.
You picked the wrong assistant to [BLEEP.]
with! [BELL JINGLES.]
We figured it out! My protégé, Officer Flatch, arrested eight people tonight.
Were any of them Lavinia? Nah, we lost her hours ago.
But the sixth person Anne arrested was Lard Dwyer, who works at the East Peck DWP I really don't have time for this.
Settle down, son! Now, ol' Lard gave us six of Josh's water bills, which show that his water usage spikes every Tuesday when he does laundry.
But it appears that Josh didn't do his laundry until the morning after he took Nina home.
We didn't hook up! Okay? I had six straight hours of diarrhea.
So second base.
I can't believe I lost two cases to you morons.
I guess your confession saves us a trip to the DNA lab with your sheets.
Wait.
Did you guys have DNA testing during the Jesse Ray case? Yes, Mr.
Fancy Pants New Yorker, we'd gotten it that summer.
Afterwards two dozen people had to switch babies.
Well, I don't see any lab results for the sperm found at the crime scene.
Jesse Ray says he can't produce sperm.
So if that's true, whose sperm is in here? Well, let's open it up, see if we recognize it.
Anne, you want to open a box of semen.
No, I'm good.
[GASPS.]
- It's empty.
- Holy crap! Somebody stole the sperms.
Hey.
Thank you for doing this.
[SIGHS.]
You're welcome.
- Josh.
- Nina! Hi.
Wow.
Look at us.
Right? The three amigos.
Together.
[LAUGHS.]
My producer told me to stick around, in case there's a retrial.
Wow.
That's That's great.
For justice.
Hmm? - BAILIFF: All rise.
- Awesome.
[HIGH-PITCHED, INDISTINCT TALKING.]
- [BLEEP.]
- My thoughts exactly.
Reopening the Beaumont case would be an epic miscarriage of justice.
Why, this is a three-ring circus orchestrated by a clown with a never-ending silk handkerchief of lawsuits.
It is shameless political grandstanding.
- Ditto for DA! - [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
- Yes we Keane! - [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
The right man for the job.
[GAVEL BANGS, CLATTERS.]
Your Honor, we have reason to believe that DNA evidence in the case was withheld and/or destroyed.
Now, the police report says that Jesse Ray Beaumont's sperm was found at the scene of the crime.
Yet, Jesse Ray Beaumont does not have sperm.
I'm not proud of it, but it's true! And the original sample is missing.
No semen, no problem.
No sperm, no herm.
There were hair and skin samples.
This case has already been litigated and won by Atticus Ditto Jr For DA.
- Yes we Keane! - Ditto for me.
- Yes we Keane! - Ditto for me.
- Yes we [BLEEP.]
Keane.
- I can do it standing up.
- Let's go! Let's go! - She can't do it standing up.
[HIGH-PITCHED, INDISTINCT TALKING.]
Your Honor, I believe all of the evidence collected was contaminated.
I hope you are not trying to impugn the forensic psychologist on that case.
Barrel Polterak is a close friend.
Barrel may have been in charge, but his assistant collected the samples.
And who was this so-called assistant? I compulsively self-stimulate.
Oh, boy.
I would like to call on the telephone Dr.
Thomas DeShawn Hinkle decommissioned.
Yeah, I used to have a problem.
It affected my job, my marriage, and my kid's career day at school.
But thanks to prayer and a belt that buckles in the back, I've managed to refocus my compulsive behavior.
Oh, one, two, three Former Dr.
Hinkle, have you ever been called before a court to discuss a potentially contaminated crime scene during your time as a forensic pathologist? Many times.
In fact, I have another one at three.
[GROANS.]
Four.
Five.
And in each of those cases, is it true that Five, four, three.
Go on.
Former Dr.
Hinkle, in your once-expert opinion, with no counting, do you believe that the evidence found at the crime scene was contaminated and should be discarded? Oh, yes, I would definitely throw them out.
Along with many of those jury chairs.
And Your Honor's gavel.
And I probably wouldn't use any of the glassware in the courtroom.
I motion that all evidence collected by former Dr.
Hinkle be discarded, that Mr.
Beaumont's conviction be overturned, and he be granted a new trial.
[HIGH-PITCHED, INDISTINCT TALKING.]
Was that a yes? Your Honor, this is a travesty! [GASPS.]
A new trial over semen? Atticus is steamin'! We are in the middle of an election, and the people will not stand for this.
This people will! [HIGH-PITCHED, INDISTINCT TALKING.]
JOSH: We're supposed to be on the same side.
What are you doing? I'm gonna get the death penalty for that jackass Jesse Ray like should have the first time.
- You're stepping on my foot.
- Dear God.
I became a lawyer to do the right thing.
The right thing to do now is to get justice for Jesse Ray Beaumont and to give Lavinia Beck-Foster what she deserves.
And what is that, Lawyer? [LAUGHS, SNORTS.]
You're a disgrace.
I'm gonna have the Mayor take back the combination to the city.
It's eight.
I already memorized it.
We've changed it seven times.
We can change it again.
Lawyer.
[CLICKS TONGUE.]
[FOOTSTEPS DEPARTING.]
I'm not afraid of you.
What are you going to do? [SCOFFS.]
Seriously, what's she gonna do? [GLASS SHATTERS.]
[LAUGHING.]
Holy [BLEEP.]
Somebody's trying to kill the bear! [LAUGHING.]
[SCREAMS.]