Trollied (2011) s02e06 Episode Script

Valco.
Serves you right.
I'm quite nervous.
You can't beat our prices.
Stop that now.
If you can get it anywhere cheaper, I'll come round and cook it myself.
Red hot deals.
Offers on everything from booze to biscuits.
Loads of 2-for-1s.
Service with a smile.
We have fresh produce.
Grown locally.
Don't forget the Valco tick.
That way.
Am I getting paid for this? Valco I wasn't ready.
Weren't you ready? Valco, serves you right.
Valco, serves you right.
Are you sure Colin and Lisa are the right people for this? They're a little rough round the edges.
They're no nonsense.
Who better to get people to try No Nonsense food? We haven't even been trained.
I don't do standing up.
I couldn't give a monkey's cock.
The No Nonsense figures are down, that's all I'm worrying about.
Oi, what happens if we say "no"? Ooh, what ya gonna do? You gonna sack us, like you did with Leighton? I didn't sack it wasn't my decision, okay? Right, yeah.
Ah, would you like to try our new No Nonsense range, Sir? You bell end.
You look such a tit! Shut up.
And he says, "I thought you asked me to knock it on the head.
" I don't get it.
Neither do I.
I think I heard it wrong.
Kieran, just the man.
Got a memo in from head office, say you've got to work with your top off.
I think I'd get a bit cold.
Give us gals a chance to see those pecks, eh Margaret? Yes! What's pecks? Actually, Lorraine, while you're here, is it alright if I knock off an hour early? Julie, before you go, I ran in to Leighton the other day.
Oh, how is he? Is he okay? Yeah, he had a big knife sticking out from between his shoulder blades, asked if you wanted it back.
I honestly didn't want to sack Leighton.
Well, I've been talking to the butchers union they told me to think about striking.
And by the butchers union, do you mean you and Asif from Morrisons? No, Kieran as well.
How many times? I'm not joining.
You get a free t-shirt.
Look, I've not got time for this, get back to work.
Maybe I will, maybe I won't.
Maybe I'll just down tools.
Sue, what the hell are you doing!? Baking a cake, what does it look like I'm doing? You can't go around lifting boxes in your condition.
For God's sake, I can't do anything any more, except sit here, doing sod all.
You used to love doing that.
I can't drink, I can't smoke, I can't go on rollercoasters.
Stop being such a drama queen.
The way you bang on, you'd think you spent your life hammered at Alton Towers.
How come you're knocking off early, anyway? We're going to look at a house.
Hey, the one next door to me's for sale.
Can you imagine it? Another neighbour's sold up? What are you doing to 'em? Nowt to do with me, it's the road.
It runs across ley lines.
Doesn't bother me though, druids blood.
Yes, my love? What's on your mind, Julie? You've got a face like a broken arse.
I was just thinking perhaps we may have been a little hasty, firing Leighton.
Oh, are you still on about that idiot? I've already found his replacement - a kid I used to have at Iceland.
You've already interviewed for the position without me? Oh, you wait till you see him.
You'd think he were a Chippendale.
Right.
I just think, for the rest of the staff, Leighton's sacking, it hit them quite hard.
They may not be shitting rainbows but they're working.
They blame me for it.
Oh, that's what this is all about, is it? Listen Julie, do you want to be liked or respected? Can I not be both? Nobody's both.
What about um Richard Branson? I can't stand that bastard.
You know what I could go for, right now? A big lump of crab.
Crab? You know you can't have shellfish when you're pregnant, don't you? Another thing I can't do.
I tell you, soon as this baby's out, I'm eating crab.
Will they let you take it on the rollercoaster? Hi, you two.
How's it going? Fine.
I was just passing and thought you might like a doughnut.
No thanks.
Sue? Trying to give a pregnant lady a doughnut? Do you know what that could do to her? Oh, I'm so sorry.
I don't know what I was thinking.
Of course, duh.
You can have doughnuts when you're pregnant.
Can you? I'm sure it said in the pregnancy book you can't, or was that soft cheese? So how was that party the other night? Oh, someone brought bongos.
Bongos.
Seriously.
I went soon after that, went back to Stu's.
Oh, right Do you fancy lunch later? Yeah, that's a good idea.
Oh, here we go.
Who fancies a doughnut? Grrr! "Yes please, Julie.
" No thanks.
Knowing you, you'll probably sack us for eating on the job.
Andy that is mental! How are you Kieran? How's Emily? Do you mean Emma? Yeah, she's fine.
Great.
That's great to hear.
Yeah, say "hello" to her from me.
She doesn't know who you are - might be a bit weird.
Margaret? Would you like a doughnut? Mmmm! Oh, no thank you.
French muck.
Who would like10 pounds? Anyone? Guys? 10 pounds! Jesus.
No, probably a bit strange, completely agree.
See you later, guys.
Typical management bribe, trying to stop us striking about Leighton.
Exact same thing happened during the miners strike.
They gave them all doughnuts? Don't be stupid sausage rolls.
No, I know when someone's trying to butter me up before they shaft me.
Urgh, that's disgusting! Tell me about it.
Just picture it - Julie buttering him up before she shafts him.
It could happen.
I'm off.
So why not check out our fish counter deals, from pollock and cod to delicious crab.
Mmmm, crab, beautiful crab Plus there's buy one get one free on toilet roll till Wednesday.
What's up with ya? Now, the tour guide told us they hadn't seen hornets on the island for years.
I mean, what are the odds!? Alright, what're you doing here? I've come to apply for a job.
What you really doing here, smart arse? Skiving off lectures, and thought I'd come in and say "hello".
And see if you maybe fancy lunch? Ooh, lunch.
What's weird about lunch? Nothing.
It's just very formal - lunch.
I wouldn't get your hopes up.
I was thinking Spoons Pizza Express if you're lucky.
Mmmm, my daughters can't get enough of Pizza Express, apparently.
I dunno, I've sort of made plans, so Can't you unmake them? Not really.
Well, I'll buy.
Yeah, alright.
Well, give me five minutes I've got to go put my face on.
Now, where was I? Yes, hornets literally swarming all over my face.
Ow! Oh! Oh, Vic.
How are you? Oh, not three bad, Julie.
Hey, where's curly? Sorry? Lad with the curly hair.
Tall one.
Always helps me with the high shelves.
Oh, I'm afraid Leighton no longer works here.
Curly's gone? Yes.
It was a senior management decision.
I tell you what, why don't I reach up for you? Oh no, no, no thank you.
No.
Bugger that.
Can I return these please? I don't do returns Wow, you couldn't give 'em away.
They must really hate you.
They all blame me for Leighton.
Idiots.
You did the right thing.
There's loads of people I'd sack in here.
Andy and Kieran, for starters.
And that Neville one.
Security bloke.
Fishmongers.
All the night staff.
They are thick as pig sh Hiya.
What d'ya want? Eurgh! It's disgusting, that.
It's not my fault, is it? Tastes like paint! Do you know what I do if someone's arsey with me, like him? I'll just stick a security tag in their pocket, it makes the alarms go off.
That's well clever.
You got a bit going on up there, ain't ya? As well as down there.
Oh.
Is it the biggest you've been with? Top 40probably.
Hello, Colin.
Er are you doing tasting stands? Yeah.
Both of you? They've put you two at the front of the store.
I know, we're rubbish at this stuff.
Well, I do hate to speak ill of someone when they're stood right in front of me but, yes.
Bewildering.
Don't let me stop you, though.
Lorraine de Chain, we meet again.
To what do I owe the pleasure this time? Well, as I was in the area, I thought I'd pop in, you know, make sure everything was okey-dokey.
I don't know if you got my memo about the No Nonsense figures.
Already dealing with it.
Got a tasting station at the entrance.
Hmmmm.
It's obviously it's your ship.
I don't want to come in and start messing with you sails, loosening your knots and things Get to the point Gavin.
Colin and Lisa? You might be better to stick Leighton there he'd knock it out of the park I'm afraid we had to let Leighton go.
I know your fond of the lad, Gavin, but he was a numpty.
Let him go? Hmm-hmm.
But Leighton's such a key member of the Valco family.
Well, you mess up and you're not part of my family.
You ask my niece - not spoken to her in three years.
Sacking Leighton? I might need to sit down.
We had no choice, Gavin.
I'm having a trouble taking this in.
Julie let him down gently.
And I've already found his replacement you should see the six pack on him.
Julie did it? Good Lord! I think I might need to actually lie down.
- Now don't smoke them all at once.
- Thanks.
Oh hi, Neville.
I don't suppose you want a doughnut, do you? Nobody else does.
Julie, I would love a doughnut.
At least someone wants one.
I was beginning to feel like a leper.
What's that one? That's cinnamon.
Ah.
Oh dear.
Better not then, the old allergies.
I'll go for this one instead, so long as it's not apple Oh no, that one is apple.
Oh, damn.
I don't want the old neck swelling up again so Neville, you like me, don't you? Actually, would you mind leaving? It's just the dust from the cinnamon could be quite dangerous.
Oh, yes of course.
Oh, I'm so sorry, Neville.
Oh.
Alright, Neville, you seen Katie? A young gentleman picked her up for lunch.
I think he's one of her uni friends.
Oh, right.
I was meant to go for lunch with her no worries.
Oh well, not so glum.
I'll be free when she gets back.
We could go for a boys lunch together.
Maybe go for a beer or three.
Yeah I can't actually, I er No, well, not to worry You change your mind, I shall be out in the car.
Thanks, buddy.
Curly.
Curley, my helper.
Where are you, my lad, when we need you? Oh, good.
Oh, Gavin! Oh, it's so good to see a friendly face.
What are you doing here? I'll tell you what I'm doing here.
I'm wondering what the flip has going on, pardon my French.
Gavin, What's happened? You're like a man possessed.
I've just heard that you and Lorraine have fired Leighton.
Lorraine made me do it and I couldn't say "no", because she's a total I don't want to hear any excuses, Julie.
You have dismissed one of the key members of our Valco family.
Oh, please stop screaming, Gavin.
Everyone here hates me.
I can't take you hating me as well.
I don't hate you Julie, I'm just very disappointed! Can you not make all this go away and get him his job back? What, interfere with a store manager's staffing? Oh, I don't want to go down as the next Peter Carling! No, he had written warnings, my hands are tied.
What am I going to do, Gavin? I can't sit here all day, hiding from my staff, eating doughnuts.
I've had five already.
You've made this bed, Julie.
I think you should eat it.
Oh, I love kipping at work.
Yeah, but you can't do it when you're stocking shelves, though.
Yeah, you can.
No, you can't.
All you have to do is tell them you're going for a dump, then go sleep in the toilets.
That's amazing.
They never check.
I did six hours in there last Monday.
I've got a travel pillow hidden in the cistern.
Wow.
Go on, your turn.
Yeah? Yeah.
So I'll see you at uni on Thursday, then? Not unless I see you first.
Sounds a bit stalkery.
Sorry.
It's alright.
I was just meaning, if you did want another posh lunch, let me know.
Yeah.
No, that'd be nice.
Cool beans.
I'll see you soon then.
Yeah.
See you soon.
Stalker.
There you go, that's the one next to me.
We're not moving next to you.
You haven't thought it through, have you? We could knock the walls through, make one big house.
Eh, we could have walkie talkies.
Yeah, thanks mate, but no thanks.
My second house only had a single bedroom.
We had to have bunk beds.
"Night, Alan", I'd shout down.
"Night, night, Margaret," he'd shout up.
Oh, here she is.
Where were you at lunch? Sorry, I had to go to the bank.
Oh, right.
You could have just said.
Yeah, sorry.
How you getting on then, you big homeowner? Alright, till Andy stuck his big, fat oar in.
Walkie talkies, Katie.
What about that one? That one's nice.
Oh, yeah Oh, wait, it's rental.
Oh, it's perfect though.
Think you'd better run that by your boss first.
Are you going to ask Lorraine? Emma's not my boss.
Sod it.
I'll arrange a viewing, see if we can go look at it tonight.
Ah, well maybe all this could do with a tidy up, here.
Do you know who was very good at keeping things tidy? Leighton.
Glad he had one string on his bow.
There seem to be a few moody faces now he's gone.
Again, it's your ship obviously but, you know the worse thing that can happen on a ship is a mutiny.
You don't want to have to make them walk the plank Not the frigging ships again! Look at me Gavin.
What do you see? Well, I You see a strong, successful, attractive woman, that's what.
Do really you think I became that by not sticking to my guns? Not really sure how to answer that.
Leighton is not coming back.
He is the past.
This is the future - Diego.
Where's tweedle-tit? Colin? Er, he's helping, helping a customer.
Tell him to get back on here.
Helping a customer? You could've been a bit more believable.
Soz, I panicked.
Hi hun.
Hey.
You er, going to introduce me? Oh this is my wife, Emma.
Enchante.
Lovely to meet you.
We're going house hunting.
Very exciting.
Oh yeah, Kieran said.
Have fun.
Hey, I had a look on my lunch, and I think I found something that might be worth us seeing.
Oh.
But Kieran, that's a rental.
Yeah, I know, but look at it.
We could rent somewhere really nice rather than rushing in.
I rent now, it really takes the pressure off.
You know? No more worrying about the bank taking everything.
Rush in!? Kieran, we're married! Yeah I know but God, do we have to do it straight away? I think we'll talk about this in the car.
Oops! And then when you said she'd given the written warnings Well, I wasn't sure she had, so I took a look through his file and guess what? Julie!? It seems in her rush to get rid of him, Lorraine neglected to issue Leighton any written warnings.
Blood and sand! Julie, you're telling me you broke in to a manager's office and searched through confidential files, just so that we could reinstate a member of staff? Yes, but I thought it Well, good work, Julie.
Well, I think I'd better have a little word with Lorraine.
Just don't go in there like a bull in a China shop.
You know what you're like when the red mist descends.
Listen, I'm an area manager.
We do have to use the old hair dryer treatment from time to time.
Absolutely Mike, I don't mind saying I wondered if I might Oh sorry, I er, didn't realise you I'll just Sorry Sorry, I was interrupted Crab? Don't take the mick, you know I can't have it.
It's No Nonsense crab.
Here, read the label.
There's more real crabs in Colin's pant's than there is in there.
I told ya - No Nonsense - what a load of crap.
Well, hello, what you waiting for? Tin opener.
Oh, for Urgh, even I wouldn't eat this shit.
Ooh d'you know, while we're here, maybe we could um? Hmmm.
Oh, shift's almost finished.
I was gonna go home.
Yeah, course.
We could do it at mine, if you want? My nan's not in so What you on about? Alright? We could shag out of work You know, like, in houses and stuff.
Colin, don't get clingy.
Jesus.
Not if I see you first, you nob head.
Permission to board.
What is it, Gavin? I'm just going now I thought I could drop off Leighton's file at HR for you.
I do like to think I'm a little more reliable than Royal Mail.
Thank you.
Oh one more thing.
Best to check you do have Leighton's written warnings here, don't you? Written? No.
They were verbal.
Oh.
Well, that does put us in rather a tricky pickle.
We do require written warnings it's for Valco's protection more than anything.
You're worrying about nothing.
I bet the boy can't even spell tribunal.
To be fair, Leighton's spelling has never been short of excellent.
Let's stop pissing around the mulberry bush here, shall we, Gavin? Are you telling me to rehire Leighton? Well, er not in so many Yes.
I thought this was my ship? Well, it is, of course.
But it is part of a larger fleet, of which I could be considered an admiral.
I mean Enough about bastard boats! Fine, Gavin, you win.
I will re-hire him.
I like to think that we all win.
A happy Valco family is a healthy Valco family.
Oh, Andy.
Andy, did you hear the great news about Leighton? Oh, Gavin got him reinstated? Yeah.
At least someone's got our backs No, but it was me To be honest, it was more to do with me threatening to strike.
I mean, they can't have their head butcher down tools, can they? Well done, Andy.
Julie, I've done you that list.
Sorry what? People to sack, after what we were talking about before.
But, I'm on this list, Sharon! Yeah.
You're top.
Oh, Lorraine Is everything okay? I mean, with Leighton? Yep.
So you're alright then? I'm alright, Julie.
It's you I'd be worried about.
Goodnight.
Oh Lord, my keys! My key's in the dog.
Oh, they're gone.
They're bloody gone.