Ugly Americans (2010) s02e06 Episode Script

They say to keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.
Don't go anywhere, beautiful.
Wait what? Who the hell are you? Your clone, bitch.
I can't believe I've got knocked out by a glove.
But there's no advice for what to do when your friends are enemies.
Sorry Mark, but you're a terrible bowler.
And I refuse to lose Friday's tournament.
Put him in the closet.
In those cases, maybe it's best to start looking For some new friends.
Cleaning my eyeball in the sink.
How many times did I ask you not to do that in the kitchen sink, or frankly anywhere in the apartment.
Ah, 14 times.
Including your request last Thursday when you said "nevermind".
And negated all other requests.
But let's backup for a second and talk about your hair.
You've got a problem with my hair? Well it's just looks like you headbutted Big Bird vaj with, like, glue on your head or something.
I mean did you even think about just getting frosted tips and then easing your way into the gayness.
It's visually jarheard.
That better not be my toothbrush.
That's absolutely your toothbrush.
It's great for getting rid of plaque build-up.
You know I can't afford rich technologies.
You've got something else to say to me, funny man? Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow! You're acting out, because you have massive authority issues.
But you're not gonna project them onto me anymore.
- Is that clear? - Yes, sir.
Got anything else to say about my hair? No, no! It's glorious.
You look like the "Saved by the Bell" actor Mark-Paul Gosselaar.
You're damn right.
Oh, one more thing.
Stay out of my bedroom.
I could get me one of those gloves.
Well, well, well.
If it isn't the 7-10 slug.
Raul and I are gonna hand you your asses this Friday, bowling style.
Then we'll make fun of you and Lilly over beer and stale pretzels.
We'll see about that, Grimes.
Mark's game has really come up In a completely nonsuspicious way.
Please, Lilly can barely pick up a bowling ball much less roll one.
What I'm saying is, he's a pussy.
Yeah, I got it.
Who cares about a stupid bowling tournament? Twayne hired a new assistant to shake things up.
My useless job is in danger.
None of us are going anywhere, Leonard.
Twayne just likes swinging his weight around so he can feel important.
Just to be safe, it's time to step up my ass-kissing regimen.
Callie, does Twayne prefer Swedish or shiatsu? Everyone, I'd like to introduce my new assistant-in-training, Tad.
Tad will be doing my dirty work so I can keep my distance and still seem like a nice guy.
Thank you.
Our data shows that a certain fire-crotch halfy who shall remain nameless [coughs.]
Callie excuse me.
Callie has been sabotaging Twayne's authority.
Well, children, those days are gone.
As of right now, Callie is demoted to sub-basement 37: Useless data entry.
That's bullcrap! Data entry is for interns and the handicapped.
Twayne.
- Um - Shh.
Ugh.
Bye, Callie.
No hard feelings, 'kay? Don't apologize to her.
She's dead now.
I'm your new yes-man.
Ha-ha.
You're the man, Tad.
I mean, yes-man.
Okay, that was me.
I deserved that.
I want you to write something down: Never kiss the ass of an ass-kisser.
Now, where's Mark Lilly? I've been here the whole time.
You got something to say to me? Your department is a farce.
I'm slashing your operating budget by 80%.
Just fire him.
He's of no use to the department.
I Really sorry.
Stabbing you in the throat is the key to my survival, and for the record, hate the hair.
Listen to me, wizard man, you have two options.
One, I stab this shard so deep in your neck that no amount of magic will save you, or two, you hightail your ass out of this building and never come back.
Number two.
Number two.
I'll be free of this useless job once and for all.
I'll finally make good on my lifelong dream.
Have I ever told you guys my dream to be a [together.]
Matador.
Oh, so I've told you.
[Shimmering tone.]
Tough.
I like a man who can take charge.
Maybe we could find a new position for you here, or at least a use for that mouth of yours.
[Inhalalalalalalale.]
I'll be in my office.
No calls.
[Exhales.]
[Coughs.]
Blonds do have more fun.
Wow, you're a great bowler, and you know how to handle a whip? Do you know that Mark never even offered to torture me? Not once.
- Hah! Hah! - Ouch.
Ahh, it hurts.
What's wrong? I thought that's how you like it.
It is.
It's just that tad's an ass[Bleep.]
.
I wish he was dead.
Demoting me to data entry.
Do you know how boring that is? First, you have to comb through T.
P.
S.
reports and find numerical values higher than four but less than oh, oh, oh.
Hah! Hah! Less talking, more effing.
Intesting.
Mark's no-swearing rule is literally in his DNA.
[Giggling and moaning.]
Callie, is that you? It's not me out there.
It's not me.
Are you there? Oh, yeah.
You're being deceived by a clone.
He's blond.
You know I'd never go blond, right? Oh, yes, Mark! Yes, Mark! Oh, hot potato.
Maybe teacher runs fever.
Maybe the elevator's stuck.
All right, settle down, doo-doo birds.
I'm not in the mood for your crap.
Teacher's hair look like Barbie doll.
Any questions? Not while you still have that glove.
[Whimpers.]
Starting today, I want all of you to think of this less as group therapy and more as a fight club.
You can't bowl if you're out of shape.
You two, you're up, and don't stop until one of you taps out.
Now! On your feet.
Let's go.
I don't want to hurt you.
I take no pleasure in this.
UhhAhh! It is good to be the kingPin.
Get it? It's a bowling pun.
Hmm, he puns like Lilly, but something's definitely different about him.
His pussy factor seems to have decreased by at least 30%.
Class full of wimps; should fail them all.
Step into my office, Mr.
Lilly.
Close the door behind you.
You work out of the bathroom? I'm more efficient if I can [Bleep.]
Where I work, if you know what I mean.
You know what these are, Lilly? Requests for time off.
We have a big bowling tournament Friday.
Yes, I've heard.
It's too bad I'll be denying the requests, unless, of course, you can convince me otherwise.
Meet me here at 8:00 P.
M.
sharp, and bring your mouth.
Hello, Tad? Tad, is that you? Oh, Jesus, I ass-dialed again.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to take a dump.
Oh.
Callie, we have a bowling league crisis, DEFCON 4.
Callie.
Shut up.
I'll be out in a minute.
Mm? Diary? Isn't she a little old? "Dear diary, the great bowling caper is going perfectly.
"Clone Mark is an amazing bowler and a surprisingly forceful dominatrix.
" Yes.
"And once we win the tournament, "I'll make sure the clone will be sleeping "with the fishes in the Hudson.
"Then I get the real Mark back.
"I miss his beautiful brunette mane, just like Mario Lopez.
" That double-crossing "b" word.
She told me to go blond.
What? If you want a quickie, just come in.
Tad's an ass[Bleep.]
.
I wish he was dead.
Clone Mark? Mm? [Humming.]
Whoa! HiMark.
Hey, man.
I didn't see youThere.
You're probably wondering what I'm doing in here with this plunger and bananas.
I mean, look, it's not what it looks like.
I wasn't gonna jam these bananas into uh, what did you think I was doing? I thought I told you to stay out of my bedroom.
Not the glove! Not the glove! I think it's best you clear out for the night.
I don't know who you are anymore.
Mm.
[Mumbling.]
Yeah, yeah, sure, take his side.
Shut up.
Hello? Who's there? Blond Mark? Hey, there, little buddy.
Hey, I'm in a whole lot of trouble over here.
You think you can deliver a message for me? Ahh! No! Ahh.
Ahh! Oh, no, no.
Stop it.
Say, is that a trident in your hand, or are you just happy to see me? Oh, wait, that is a trident.
Ahh! The murder weapon, boss.
It's got fingerprints all over it.
Looks like we got a murder investigation on our hands.
Should I cancel our bowling practice tonight? Hell, no! The tournament's this Friday.
Keep your priorities straight.
So sad about cousin Tad.
You know, he made a great apple tart.
Your aunt Sally loved it.
Hey, why is no one here? You sent invitations out, right, Twayne? Oh, God, the invitations.
That's Tad's job.
I'll call him.
Tad's dead, Twayne.
Jesus, thank Satan you still have Callie around.
Oh, thank you, daddy.
I'd love to have my old job back.
Now Mark and I have lots of filthy sex acts to perform, so if you don't mind Actually, I do.
Arrest her, boys.
On what charge? The murder of Tad Monkeybottom.
What? I didn't kill him.
Got the murder weapon right here.
Your prints are all over it, red.
That's impossible.
Besides, I have lots of weapons.
It happens to be a hobby of mine.
That's not all we've got.
Oh, wait, that is a trident.
Ahh! [Gasps.]
You ass-dialed me during the murder.
It's over, Callie.
I'm sorry.
I always thought it'd be me you murdered in some ill-advised sexual encounter, maybe after hours at the holiday party, where we both had a few too many eggnogs, and then I kind of say, "hey, you look great tonight," and you look at me and say, "let's go back to my place.
" Am I still talking? But I lost my phone.
I'm being framed.
Ooh.
I won't be put in the Hudson that easily.
Next time, lock your diary, you double-crossing hussy.
Try to implicate me and the real Mark Lilly? Nice.
The Hudson.
Oh, no, no, no, you idiot.
You have it all wrong.
I wasn't going to kill you.
Tell it to your new lesbian playmates in girl Rikers.
There, you'll be in the star in your own woman's prison movie.
You'll have to sell your body for protection from the gangs and the guards.
Then one night, your cell mate, Deandra, will climb into your bunk.
Jesus Christ, again with the talking.
[Bell ringing.]
I'm telling you I'm innocent.
I was set up.
By who? Start talkin'.
I can't talk.
If I do, an old lover will get hurt.
Old lover? Jesus, Callie, if you're into older men, what's wrong with an old Grimesy? Sure, I've gained a few pounds, but look how many push-ups I can do.
One and two and Ahh, my sciatica! Jesus! Yeah, Mark glove-slapped me around pretty good this time.
I had to move in with my friend Ray to escape the abuse.
Hmm, did you notice any other suspicious behavior? He would just have arguments with himself and yell at no one, and then he'd kick his gym bag over and over again, and also, his gym bag was a moving burlap sack.
Actually, it probably wasn't even a gym bag, you know, the more I think about it.
It kept asking for help, for one thing.
Let's go take a look.
I'm not going back there.
Don't make me go back.
Look, he doesn't know anything, okay? And unless you've got a warrant, he's got nothing to say.
It's okay.
I'm here to protect you now.
Now, get in that kitchen and make me dinner.
[Banging at door.]
Ah! Hope you don't mind if I let myself in.
[Mumbling.]
Huh? Hello? Lilly, what the hell are you doing living in a closet? He's right behind you.
Huh? Holy [Bleep.]
, a goddamn clone.
I should have known, because of the different color eyes.
Hair.
It's his hair.
You've got it all wrong.
That's my twinbrother.
His name isBarry, and he lives in a closet.
Oh, forget it.
[Gunshots.]
Ahh! My bowling legs.
They're not working anymore, and the tournament's in two days.
Well, if we're done here Hey, dicknose, my turn.
Ahh! My bowling eyes.
Ohhhh, I'll have to use bumpersBumpers.
Only wheelchair kids use bumpers.
Bowling is a stupid sport.
In fact, it's not even a sport.
I would love to mock it further, but it is time for Mark Lilly's clone to 7-10 split Bowling pun.
Hi, everybody.
It is good to see you again.
I'm sure everyone is a little confused about what happened.
Your clone kidnapped you and took your place.
Pretty clear, actually.
All right, well, I am very sorry if he did or said anything on my behalf that I might be ashamed of.
He only made us fight each other until we bled, but good for you that you got two paid days off, dick.
Yeah, you guys are in no shape to bowl.
Callie's gonna be pissed.
She loves that tournament, even though I always blow our chances at winning.
Anyway, as we all know, clones were primarily created for harboring body parts for their hosts, but over time, they've also become commonly used as car pool lane companions, status symbols, as well as marital aids.
Oops, don't know how that one got in there.
Just "cloning" around.
Get it? Cloninginstead of clowning.
Nothing, really? [Cell phone rings.]
Excuse me, I need to take this real quick.
Leonard.
Mark, my man, just wanted to thank you again.
This is freaking awesome.
Thank me for what? For making me pursue my matador dream.
I finally found my true calling.
Right, right.
UmOnly thing is that that wasn't me.
I was actually kidnapped and replaced by my clone the past two days.
What? A stupid clone made me do this? I can't be a matador.
I'm 700 years old.
Oh, God.
What am I doing? Ahh! Mark, I'll call you back.
I'm sure he's fine.
What are you wearing? It's a veil, Mark.
I'm in mourning for my beloved dead assistant Tad.
I think those are are only for women.
Why do they get all the good stuff? There's a lot I'll need to learn on my own with Tad and Callie gone.
And where's Callie now? That horrible clone set me up.
They say I murdered Twayne's assistant.
- Uh-uh.
- Oh.
Callie, I am so sorry.
Even though I was bound and gagged for a few days, I still I can't help but feel marginally responsible.
Yes, you should 'Cause it's your clone That I know nothing about.
Mark, you have to help me.
If I'm executed, I'll miss the bowling tournament.
[Whining.]
You have to release her, Grimes.
Callie is innocent.
Listen, I'll give you the resources of my department, but we don't even know where to look.
He's your clone.
Where would you run to? Aryou making a face? Because it feels like you're making a face.
[Seagull squawking.]
So the agency sent you.
Is something wrong? I asked for a redhead.
Oh, well, I we'll make it work.
Ugh, I can't believe I'm going to die for a murder I didn't even get to commit.
I mean, where's the fun in that? You want a last meal? Nah, I had a big breakfast.
Oh, and I don't want to look fat in the chair.
I love you, baby.
Muah! Seriously? I get the one clingy call girl in New York? Sounds like she's been duped by a duplicate.
Did we find him, or are you making bad jokes to random strangers? How did you find me? Clone or not, you're still Mark Lilly, and Mark Lilly loves Ferris wheels.
Effin'-a, I do.
Nothing better than the rush of going in circles 50 feet high.
Oooh, baby, better than "h," and by "h," I mean huevos.
You've laid your last egg joke, clone Mark.
The yolk's on you Double egg pun.
Are you two fighting yet? I don't hear the sounds of a violent struggle.
Arrgh! That's more like it.
You blond bastard.
You put me in a bag, you clone.
I couldn't have you walking around.
Ahh! Oh! Damn it, Lilly.
I'm gonna get heatstroke.
Wrap it up.
Grimes, help.
No, no, help me.
I'm the real Mark.
[Gunshots.]
Ahh! Grimes, you shot me.
And me.
Good, I'll let someone with eyes sort this out.
Hello, warden? Grimes here.
Cancel the Maggotbone execution.
Also, I have no eyes or legs, and I'm fairly certain I'm on an island in the Caribbean.
I'm feeling pretty frightened right now.
I've actually never felt so alone.
Jesus [Bleep.]
Christ.
How am I still talking? Sorry I didn't believe you, Callie.
Whoops, I'm gonna have to use my sense of smell here.
Okay, oop, there you go.
We found the clone.
He confessed to killing Tad.
Don't know how I could have missed it.
Should've known Mark was a clone the minute he stopped acting like a total pussy, also the whole blond hair thing.
You're free to walk.
Enjoy your legs and eyes.
I never did, and I regret it.
For the record, sweetie, when I wrote that you'll be sleeping with the fishes in the Hudson, I meant the Hudson luxury cruise ship.
I purchased you an around-the-world ticket.
But, oh, well, it would have been really nice to win that bowling tournament for once.
It's kind of like watching myself die, and it's disturbing.
Is it weird that I'm turned on? Yes, it is.
Dibs on the eyes.
So they're scrapping the clone for parts? Now there's a little piece of me inside all of them.
That's disgusting, Mark.
Sorry, that definitely came out wrong.
Um, Dr.
Roberts, can I have the tongue? Coming right up.
Here you go, sir.
Mmm, that has some kick.
Hey, doc, throw the leftovers in a doggie bag, will ya? Life is a struggle Ahh! Jesus, Mark has the legs of a baby fawn.
How can he even walk on these things? And getting what you think you want in this world is harder than it seems Come to papa.
So sometimes you have to settle with what you got.
Yay.
[Whimpers.]
For the last time, yes, I had sex with a clone, but I was looking at you the whole time.
All right.
All right.
I just wish I knew where he came from.
Me too, but I guess we'll never know.